If your child holds it together all day at preschool or daycare and then completely unravels the moment they get home – melting down over dinner, refusing to use the potty, making every transition a battle – you’re watching afterschool restraint collapse in action. It’s exhausting. And it can bring up some painful feelings for parents too, including wondering whether your presence is making things harder, not easier.

In this coaching call I worked with Kathleen, parent of a three-year-old who just started full-time preschool. By the end of every day, her daughter is struggling with dinner, potty time, bath, and bedtime – and Kathleen can’t figure out whether to offer more structure or less, more connection or more space. If your child is having a hard time in the evenings and you don’t know how to help, this episode is for you.

Questions This Episode Will Answer

What are the symptoms of afterschool restraint collapse? After a full day of holding it together in a structured environment, many kids hit a wall when they get home. You might see meltdowns over small things, refusal to eat, resistance to transitions like bath or bedtime, or a child who seems to want you desperately but also can’t settle when you’re there.

Why do some kids struggle with transitions at the end of the day? When a child’s capacity is low – from tiredness, hunger, or being away from you all day – even simple transitions take more than they have left. It’s similar to how we might be a little more ‘snappy’ in the evening when we’re tired than in the morning when we have a bit more capacity.

Why is my 3 year old refusing to eat dinner? For kids in full-time daycare or preschool, the need for connection with a parent can be so strong by dinnertime that eating takes a back seat. Sitting with you matters more than the food on the plate.  And even though the child might be physically capable of feeding themselves, the effort required to coordinate food onto a fork or spoon and into the mouth is just too much for them.

Why is my child resisting bedtime? Bedtime resistance often isn’t about sleep. When a child has spent the whole day apart from you, the end of the day becomes a place where unmet needs pile up. Addressing what’s underneath the resistance is more effective than trying to manage the behavior itself.

How do I support a child who struggles with transitions? This episode covers a concrete first step that addresses one of the most common unmet needs in young children – and why starting there tends to make a wide range of struggles easier.

What is an example of a child seeking autonomy? When a child insists on choosing “the wrong option” or refuses what you’ve offered, they may need autonomy – especially if they spend most of their day in an environment where they have very little say. This episode explains the difference between offering choices and providing real autonomy, and why it matters.

How long does afterschool restraint collapse last? It depends on what’s driving the restraint collapse – and this episode helps you figure that out. When you address the underlying needs rather than just the surface behavior, many parents find the struggles shift faster than they expected.

What You’ll Learn in This Episode

• Why full-time daycare or preschool can leave children with almost no capacity left by the end of the day – and how that shows up in their behavior
• How afterschool restraint collapse connects to a child’s need for connection, and why your presence can make things harder even when your child desperately wants you there
• Why mealtime battles, potty training resistance, and bedtime resistance often share the same root cause
• What consistent Special Time is, how to build it into a busy evening, and why it functions as a kind of “differential diagnosis” for end-of-day struggles
• How to provide real autonomy to a preschooler – including why the choices you’re already offering might not be meeting their need at all
• What play schemas are, and how knowing your child’s schema can make it easier to keep both kids occupied when you only have two hands
• How to talk about feelings and needs with a child who won’t engage when they’re already feeling overwhelmed

If this episode resonated – especially the part about evenings seeming relentless no matter what you try – the Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits live workshop will help you.

A big part of what makes end-of-day struggles so draining is that kids who have spent all day in environments with little say over what happens come home with almost nothing left for the limits we set. 

This workshop helps you figure out which limits are truly necessary, which ones can soften or disappear, and how to hold the ones that matter in a way your child’s nervous system can actually work with.

You get eight short lessons delivered by email over eight days, plus three live group coaching calls where you can bring your real situations and get support.

If you’re ready to stop repeating yourself and start holding fewer, clearer limits that your child can actually live with, come join us.

Click the banner to sign up.

Jump to highlights:

01:36 Introduction to today’s episode.

03:18 An open invitation to join the free Beyond the Behavior coaching call.

08:04 Full-time preschool can be really tiring for kids because their capacity is super low at the end of the day. Plus, she’s spending much less time with mom than before, so connection is more important now.

09:15 Jen explains that special time addresses a core need for young kids so effectively. When you consistently meet the need for connection, many other struggles get easier.

09:58 Some kids want an immediate connection after school; others need mental space first.

14:20 The more you talk in feelings-and-needs language, the more your kid will start identifying their own needs.

16:12 A schema is a repeated pattern of play. When you propose an activity based on the child’s schema, they’re going to be excited about it because you’re seeing what they’re really interested in and giving them a chance to do the thing they love.

19:11 The main insight of the episode.

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When your three-year-old hits you, their sibling, or another child, it’s easy to feel frustrated, embarrassed, or even angry. You might wonder if this challenging behavior means something is wrong with your child or your parenting. 

In this episode, I help you see hitting in a completely different way. Instead of viewing it as a problem to eliminate, we’ll explore what your child is trying to communicate through their actions. You’ll discover how hitting is often your child’s attempt to meet important needs when they don’t yet have the words or skills to do it differently. This shift in perspective changes everything about how you respond.

Most advice about hitting focuses on consequences, time-outs, or behavior charts. But these approaches miss what’s really happening. In this episode, I walk you through real examples from parents dealing with hitting, and show you how to identify the feelings and needs driving the behavior. If you’re not sure where to start with identifying your child’s needs, this quick quiz can help you figure out which needs might be going unmet.

You’ll learn practical strategies for helping your child develop replacement behaviors for hitting that actually meet their needs. Whether your child hits when they’re frustrated, overwhelmed, or seeking connection, you’ll leave with tools to support them while also taking care of yourself and keeping everyone safe.

Questions this episode will answer

Is it normal for 3 year olds to hit? Yes, hitting is common in early childhood. Three-year-olds are still developing language skills and emotional regulation, so they often use physical actions to communicate feelings or meet needs they can’t express in words yet.

What is a replacement behavior for hitting? Replacement behaviors depend on what need your child is trying to meet. If they’re seeking sensory input, alternatives might include squeezing play dough or pushing against a wall. If they’re expressing frustration, they might learn to stomp their feet or use simple words like “I’m mad!”

How do I get my 3 year old to stop hitting? Focus on understanding the feelings and needs behind the hitting rather than just stopping the behavior. Help your child identify what they’re feeling, figure out what need they’re trying to meet, and practice new ways to meet that need that work for everyone.

Is it normal for a 3 year old to be very aggressive? Frequent hitting or other challenging behavior in early childhood often signals that your child has important unmet needs. This doesn’t mean something is wrong with them. It means they need support learning new strategies to meet their needs.

How do you teach children to communicate their needs? Start by helping your child recognize and name their feelings using simple language. Then connect those feelings to underlying needs like autonomy, play, or connection. Practice specific phrases and actions they can use instead of hitting.

What is the connection between feelings and needs? Feelings are signals that tell us whether our needs are met or unmet. When your child feels frustrated, angry, or overwhelmed, these feelings point to needs that aren’t being met, like autonomy, understanding, or ease.

What you’ll learn in this episode

• Why hitting and other challenging behavior in early childhood is actually communication about unmet needs
• How to identify the specific feelings and needs driving your child’s hitting behavior
• The difference between expressing needs through hitting versus meeting needs through hitting
• Practical replacement behaviors for hitting based on different underlying needs 
• Why punishment and consequences don’t address the root cause of hitting
• How to use the “name it to tame it” approach to help your child recognize their feelings
• Steps to support your child in developing new skills while keeping everyone safe
• Real examples of parents working through hitting situations using a feelings and needs approach
• How to take care of your own needs when your child’s challenging behavior triggers you

Taming Your Triggers 

If you see that your relationship with your child isn’t where you want it to be because you:

• Speak to them in a tone or using words that you would never let other people use with your child…
• Are rougher with their bodies than you know you should be when you feel frustrated…
• Feel guilt and/or shame about how they’re experiencing your words and actions, even though your intentions are never to hurt them…

…the Taming Your Triggers Workshop will help you.

Click the banner to learn more!

Jump to highlights:

02:02 Introduction to today’s episode

04:01 An open invitation to Why You’re So Angry with Your Child’s Age-Appropriate Behavior and What to Do About It masterclass.

05:10 Parent shares context where her child hits when excited and demands chocolate at every preschool pickup.

06:56 Jen starts by checking in on the parent’s wellbeing and support system, explaining how parental stress shows up in children’s behavior.

09:47 Jen helps the parent see the behavior as an expression of a difficult situation rather than defiance or stubbornness.

11:28 Jen identifies three needs behind the joy/indulgence, autonomy, and connection after being apart all day.

20:02 Connection and autonomy are the top two needs of young kids.

22:40 Identifying patterns (hitting happens when super excited) and offering redirection strategies like jumping together.

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Have you ever opened a gift from your parent and felt your stomach drop? You’ve tried everything – wishlists, clear conversations, explicit boundaries about gift giving. But the packages keep arriving, filled with things that feel totally opposite from your values. 

And then you’re stuck in this awful place where you’re simultaneously angry at them for not respecting your boundaries AND judging yourself for not just being grateful.

In this episode, I’m sharing part of a powerful coaching conversation with Sam, who’s spent years trying to set gift giving boundaries with her mom. What we discovered is that when unwanted gifts trigger us this intensely, they’re touching something way deeper than clutter or consumption. 

When I talked with Nedra Glover Tawwab recently, she advocated for very strong boundaries: if you get unwanted gifts, you send them back.  How the other person feels about that is not your responsibility.  You might decide that a hard boundary is the best option for you.  But at the end of the day, it doesn’t address the hurt you’re feeling that is leading you to consider a boundary.

Through an embodiment exercise, Sam found empathy for her mom’s needs while still honoring her own need to be truly seen. But the real breakthrough came when we talked about what to do when your parent simply can’t give you what you long for – and why that requires grief work, and not always stronger boundaries.

Questions this episode will answer

Is it normal to have resentment for your parents over gifts? Yes. When unwanted gifts keep coming despite clear boundaries, that resentment often connects to a deeper need – wanting your parent to truly see and understand you.

What is the psychology behind excessive gift-giving? Gift givers are often trying to meet needs like staying relevant, feeling competent as a parent, creating connection, and mattering in their grandchildren’s lives, especially when physical distance or other limitations exist.

How do you respond to unwanted gifts without losing your mind? You can’t just decide the gifts don’t bother you anymore. It may help to mourn the relationship you wished you had with your parent, and get your need to be seen met through other relationships.

What to do with unwanted gifts when boundaries keep failing? You can continue donating them through Buy Nothing groups, but the real shift happens when you stop attaching meaning to the gifts – when a dancing cactus becomes just a dancing cactus, not evidence that your parent doesn’t see you.

How do you let go of anger and resentment towards a parent? Through embodied mourning rituals – not just making a decision in your head. This might involve gathering with people who truly see you and symbolically releasing the longed-for relationship you’re acknowledging you won’t have.

How do you set boundaries with parents when they won’t respect them? Sometimes moving forward means you stop holding the door open, exhausting yourself while you wait for them to walk through it. You find other ways to meet your needs instead.

What you’ll learn in this episode

• Why gift-giving boundaries fail even when you’ve been crystal clear about your values and preferences
• How embodying her mom helped Sam find empathy for her mom without giving up her own needs
• What needs your parent might be trying to meet through excessive gift giving (and why understanding this matters)
• The difference between making a mental decision that something doesn’t matter and actually mourning the loss of the relationship you wished you had
• How to meet your need to be seen and understood through relationships other than your parent
• The “door metaphor” – what it means to stop holding it open and why that’s different from closing it forever
• Why unwanted holiday gifts can become neutral once you’ve done the grief work
• How to stay in relationship with your parent while letting go of the exhausting longing for them to change

Jump to highlights:

01:07 Introduction of today’s episode.

03:05 Sam and her husband send gift lists to their excited long-distance parents to manage space in their small house, but when an inappropriate gift arrives despite their clear requests, Sam feels worried that her boundaries weren’t respected.

11:07 Sam struggles between wanting her mother to show up differently and accepting that she can’t force that change, feeling like she’s leaving a door open while getting frustrated that her mother doesn’t know how to walk through it.

14:54 Wrapping up today’s topic

17:20 An open invitation to Parenting Membership Black Friday sale

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You’ve told your parents you’re not available during work hours. They keep calling anyway.

You’ve asked them not to comment on your weight. They bring it up again on the next visit.

You’ve said no to those random Amazon gifts. Another package arrives at your door.

Many parents know how to set boundaries, but get stuck when someone won’t respect them. In this summary episode, therapist Nedra Glover Tawwab shares practical strategies for enforcing boundaries when people repeatedly ignore or dismiss them.

You’ll learn about

1. the “fire extinguisher method” for stopping uncomfortable conversations before they spiral
2. how to embody your boundaries through your actions (not just your words)
3. how to navigate the especially tricky situation where you rely on someone for childcare but they won’t respect your limits.

Nedra also discusses her new children’s book and works through real scenarios about unwanted gifts, body-shaming comments, and what to do when setting a boundary means potentially losing support you need.

This conversation gets honest about the hard choices enforcing boundaries sometimes requires. Can you really maintain a boundary with someone you depend on? What do you do when the person provides childcare for you?

Nedra offers a clear framework for deciding when to stand firm, how to take action when words aren’t working, and why allowing people to be upset with you is part of the process.

Questions this episode will answer

How do you deal with someone who doesn’t respect boundaries? Enforce the boundary through your behavior, not just your words. If someone keeps calling during work hours after you’ve asked them not to, don’t answer the phone. If they bring unwanted gifts, donate them immediately or return them to the gift-giver. You can’t control what they do, but you can control what you do.

Why is setting boundaries so hard? We often learned in our families of origin that setting boundaries leads to rejection or anger. We worry about people being mad at us, the relationship ending, or being seen as selfish. These fears come from early experiences where our caregivers responded poorly when we tried to express our needs and boundaries.

How do you enforce boundaries when words aren’t working? Use behavioral enforcement. Stop answering calls during the times you’ve said you’re unavailable. Use the “fire extinguisher method” to interrupt conversations the moment they start heading toward topics you’ve said are off-limits. Show through your actions that you meant what you said.

What is the fire extinguisher method for boundaries? Jump in to stop conversations before they get going, the way you’d use a fire extinguisher on a small flame before it spreads. When someone starts bringing up a topic you’ve clearly said you won’t discuss, interrupt them immediately: “I know where this is going, and I don’t want to talk about it.”

Why do people get upset when you set boundaries? Some people are used to being able to say or do whatever they want in the relationship. Your boundary ‘brushes up against’ their expectation of having full access to you or being able to speak freely. They may also genuinely believe you need to hear what they have to say.

Should you be with someone who doesn’t respect your boundaries? This depends on the severity of the violation and your level of dependence. If someone provides childcare but also body shames you, you may need to find alternative childcare to truly maintain the boundary. Sometimes you have to choose between the support someone offers and having your boundaries respected. You might accept that certain behaviors come as part of the “package,” or you might want to reduce your reliance on that person.

Is setting boundaries selfish? Other people may call you selfish when you set boundaries because your limits inconvenience them or challenge their expectations. But protecting your time, energy, and well-being isn’t selfish. Your emotional regulation is not someone else’s responsibility, and their emotional regulation is not yours.

What do you do when you rely on someone who won’t respect your boundaries? You have to decide whether you can accept that certain boundary violations come with the support they provide, or whether you want to explore other options. This might mean finding alternative childcare, reducing financial dependence, or building a “chosen family” support system.

How do you enforce firm boundaries without cutting people out of your life? You can maintain a relationship while still enforcing boundaries through your behavior. Don’t answer calls during work hours even if they keep calling. Stop conversations immediately when they head toward off-limit topics. Return unwanted gifts. You’re not ending the relationship – you’re defining how it works.

What does boundaries versus control mean? Boundaries are about what you will do, not about controlling what someone else does. Telling someone “don’t call me during work” is actually trying to control their behavior. The boundary is: “I won’t answer calls during work hours.” The distinction matters because you can only control yourself.

What you’ll learn in this episode

1. Why enforcing boundaries requires behavioral changes, not just verbal statements
2. How to use the “fire extinguisher method” to stop conversations that cross your boundaries
3. What to do when someone keeps calling, texting, or contacting you after you’ve asked them not to
4. Specific strategies for handling unwanted gifts from family members without adding to your mental load
5. How to respond when parents or in-laws make repeated comments about your body, parenting, or life choices
6. Why “allowing people to be upset with you” is a necessary part of maintaining boundaries
7. When you might want to choose between receiving support and having your boundaries respected
8. How to know if you should accept boundary violations as part of a “package deal” with childcare or other help
9. Ways to build alternative support systems when family won’t respect your limits
10. The difference between boundaries (what you control) and attempts to control others’ behavior
11. How to help kids understand boundaries around physical touch and when you need space
12. What to say to children who want immediate attention when you’re not available

Nedra Glover Tawwab’s website:

nedratawab.com

Jump to highlights:

01:34 Introduction of today’s guest and today’s topic

04:14 An open invitation to the Black Friday sale coming up in late November

05:03 What is a boundary?

05:25 What’s the difference between a boundary and a limit?

07:34 How does Nedra handle situations when someone keeps ignoring boundaries you’ve set, even after you’ve clearly explained why they matter?

16:20 Nedra says, “If we set boundaries for people, we want them to change.”

19:01 Jen and Nedra talk about how to set boundaries when it comes to their children

21:30 Nedra shares about her new children’s book, “What Makes You Happy”

23:59 Wrapping up

24:54 Jen tells where to connect with Nedra Glover Tawwab to access her books, quizzes, and other boundary-setting tools

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If you’ve been scrolling TikTok or parenting forums lately, you’ve probably encountered FAFO parenting – the trending approach that’s being positioned as the antidote to ‘overly permissive’ gentle parenting. Standing for ‘F*** Around and Find Out,’ this parenting style centers on letting children experience harsh consequences without parental intervention, even when parents could easily prevent those consequences.

But is FAFO parenting actually effective, or does it create more problems than it solves? In this comprehensive episode, we explore what FAFO parenting really looks like in practice, examine the research behind popular parenting approaches, and uncover why both FAFO and traditional gentle parenting often miss the mark.

Most importantly, we’ll discover collaborative alternatives that meet both children’s developmental needs and parents’ legitimate needs – without the exhaustion of scripted responses or the relationship damage of harsh consequences.

Questions this episode will answer

What does FAFO parenting actually mean?

FAFO stands for “F*** Around and Find Out” – an approach where parents let children experience unpleasant consequences without intervention, believing this teaches better decision-making.

What are real examples of FAFO parenting in action?

Examples include letting a child walk home in the rain without a coat, throwing away toys left on the floor, and making children buy their own underwear after accidents.

Why is FAFO parenting gaining popularity among parents?

Parents exhausted by gentle parenting scripts and constant negotiation are attracted to FAFO’s apparent simplicity and the promise of teaching children through direct consequences.

What’s the difference between consequences and punishments in parenting?

Authentic consequences happen naturally (getting cold without a jacket), while punishments are artificially created by parents (throwing away toys, withholding food, or requiring that kids replace underwear they’ve soiled).

Does gentle parenting actually create “soft” children?

Research doesn’t support this claim. Most of what’s called “gentle parenting” online is actually scripted control, and a fear of children’s big feelings, not truly responsive parenting.

Why might children lie more when parents use FAFO approaches?

When honesty consistently leads to harsh consequences parents could prevent, children learn that hiding problems is safer than seeking help.

What really causes behavioral challenges in today’s children?

Multiple factors including increased academic pressure, reduced recess, economic stress, social media impact, and less community support – not parenting styles alone (or screen time alone either!).

Is authoritative parenting really the “gold standard” research proves?

The original authoritative parenting research included spanking and only compared four control-based approaches, missing collaborative alternatives that work even better.

What you’ll learn in this episode

The hidden problems with FAFO parenting that can damage parent-child relationships: Discover how this approach can increase lying, reduce trust, and position parents as adversaries rather than allies in their children’s development.

Why most “gentle parenting” isn’t actually gentle: Learn how scripted validation and sweetener offers are really just “control with lipstick,” and why this approach exhausts parents without meeting children’s real needs.

The real reasons behind children’s challenging behaviors: Understand the complex factors affecting today’s kids, from school pressure to reduced community support, and why behavior is often communication about unmet needs.

How to move beyond the false choice between “tough” and “soft” parenting: Explore collaborative approaches that set effective boundaries while maintaining connection, using curiosity about underlying needs rather than reactive consequences.

Alternatives that work better than both FAFO and scripted gentle parenting: Discover practical tools for meeting both parents’ and children’s psychological needs through creative problem-solving.

How your parenting approach shapes the culture your family creates: Learn why the methods you choose today influence not just compliance, but the kind of adults your children become and the world they’ll help create.

Ready to move beyond the parenting extremes and discover what actually builds cooperation, trust, and resilience in children? Listen now to transform your approach from managing behavior to building relationships that last.

Other episodes mentioned

• 183: What I wish I’d known about parenting
• 154: Authoritative isn’t the best parenting style

Jump to highlights

01:23 Introduction of today’s podcast

02:33 What FAFO parenting looks like

06:07 FAFO parenting confuses punishment with consequences

10:33 FAFO parenting may damage the parent-child relationship

11:53 Research shows us that children thrive when they have a secure relationship with their caregivers

15:55 What people actually mean when they say ‘gentle parenting’?

22:39 The real reasons behind kids’ behavior challenges that FAFO parenting misses

27:52 FAFO parenting often encourages children to lie and hide mistakes rather than being honest, since telling the truth leads to unpleasant consequences

32:33 FAFO parenting sees stopping undesirable behavior as more important than understanding it

47:39 FAFO parenting skips over the possibility of meeting both people’s needs. It assumes that when there’s a conflict, someone has to lose and usually that someone is the child

51:27 An open invitation for Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits workshop

52:51 Wrapping up the discussion

References

The Cut article: Petrow, J. (2023, March 22). Is gentle parenting effective? The Cut. https://www.thecut.com/2023/03/is-gentle-parenting-effective.html

New York Times article: Blinder, A. (2015, April 1). Atlanta educators convicted in school cheating scandal. The New York Times. https://www.nytimes.com/2015/04/02/us/verdict-reached-in-atlanta-school-testing-trial.html

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In Part 1, we looked at the evidence for the teen ‘mental health crisis.’

In Part 2, we reviewed the evidence for whether social media is causing the so-called ‘teen mental health crisis.

In Part 3, we began looking at what to do about the effects of phones on kids – starting with school cell phone bans.

If you’ve read The Anxious Generation or heard about Dr. Jean Twenge’s forthcoming book 10 Rules for Raising Kids in a High-Tech World, you might be wondering whether it’s time to implement strict family phone rules and teenage social media limits in your home. These digital parenting experts promise clear solutions: you’re in charge, no phones in bedrooms, no social media until 16. But what happens when these teenage phone rules meet the reality of family life?

In this final episode of our Anxious Generation series, we explore why traditional approaches to limit social media time often backfire spectacularly – and what effective digital parenting looks like instead. You’ll discover why rigid teenage mobile phone rules can actually push kids further away from you, how punishment-based approaches to social media teens mirror the failed DARE program, and why the child who follows rules perfectly at home might be the one taking bigger risks when they’re finally on their own. We’ll also share practical, relationship-based alternatives that help you address real concerns about teenage social media use while building trust and connection with your child.

Questions this episode will answer

How do you set social media limits with your teen? Focus on collaborative conversations about how technology affects them, rather than imposing rigid teenage social media limits without their input.

Should social media be limited for teens? Blanket restrictions often backfire; effective digital parenting involves understanding individual needs and working together on healthy boundaries.

How to limit cellphone use for teenager without damaging trust? Use connection-first approaches that explore their experiences rather than immediately jumping to restrictive family phone rules.

How much time should a teenager spend on their phone? The answer varies by individual; focus on how social media affects your teen rather than arbitrary time limits.

How to stop teenage phone addiction using collaborative methods? Address underlying needs that drive excessive use while maintaining open dialogue about concerning content and working together on solutions.

Why is it important for parents to guide children on the internet? Teens internet safety requires ongoing conversation and support, not just restrictions, to help them navigate digital challenges independently.

Should parents have control over their child’s social media? Effective parenting social media approaches balance safety concerns with respecting teens’ growing autonomy and need for peer connection.

What you’ll learn in this episode

• Why traditional family phone rules and “you’re in charge” digital parenting approaches often strengthen the very behaviors you’re trying to eliminate
• The hidden parallels between attempts to limit social media usage and failed drug prevention programs like DARE – and what this means for your family
• How to recognize when your teen’s social media use is a coping mechanism for other struggles, and what to address instead of just restricting time
• Practical strategies for creating meaningful offline experiences that genuinely compete with digital entertainment, addressing core questions about how much time should a teenager spend on their phone
• Real conversation scripts for discussing teenage social media use with tweens, teens, neurodivergent children, and kids who may be experiencing social media-related harm
• Why some children need social media access for mental health support, and how to balance teens internet safety with connection to vital communities
• Evidence-based approaches to parenting social media that build trust while addressing legitimate safety concerns about teenage social media use

Here are the scripts for discussing screen use with teens:

Script for Neurotypical Teen Not at Risk

Script for Neurotypical TWEEN Not at Risk

Script for Neurodivergent Teen

Script for Teen at Risk

Dr. Jonathan Haidt’s Book

The Anxious Generation: How the Great Rewiring of Childhood Is Causing an Epidemic of Mental Illness (Affiliate link)

Jump to highlights 

00:00 Teaser on what today’s episode is all about

03:21 10 Concrete rules on how to manage kids and the technology that surrounds them, according to Dr. Jean Twenge upcoming book on September 2nd

10:10 Our kids learn to hide their mistakes and struggles rather than coming to us for help when they need it most because they are afraid that what they are doing is wrong, and as parents, we may punish them

13:07 When kids spend time on screens, they aren’t just moving towards screens, they are also moving away from something, which is us, the parents

22:30 An open invitation for the scripts that are included in The Anxious Generation review (part 4)

28:21 Wrapping up the discussion

31:37 Key ideas from this set of  episodes

References

College Drinking Prevention. (n.d.). Prevalence. National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism. https://www.collegedrinkingprevention.gov/statistics/prevalence

Lilienfeld, S. O., & Arkowitz, H. (2014, January 1). Why “just say no” doesn’t work. Scientific American. https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/why-just-say-no-doesnt-work/

Community Epidemiology and Research Division. (n.d.). Just say no, DARE, and programs like it don’t work—So why are they still around? https://www.cerd.org/just-say-no-dare-and-programs-like-it-dont-work-so-why-are-they-still-around/

Durlak, J. A., & Wells, A. M. (1997). Primary prevention mental health programs for children and adolescents: A meta-analytic review [Archived document]. Indiana University. https://web.archive.org/web/20140824031650/http:/www.indiana.edu/~safeschl/ztze.pdf

KFF. (2024). A look at state efforts to ban cellphones in schools and implications for youth mental health. https://www.kff.org/mental-health/issue-brief/a-look-at-state-efforts-to-ban-cellphones-in-schools-and-implications-for-youth-mental-health/

Mims, C. (2024, March 29). Jonathan Haidt thinks smartphones destroyed a generation. Is he right? The Wall Street Journal. https://www.wsj.com/tech/personal-tech/jonathan-haidt-anxious-generation-book-smartphones-676bcadb

Girls Leadership. (2023). Make space for girls: Research draft. https://cdn.prod.website-files.com/6398afa2ae5518732f04f791/63f60a5a2a28c570b35ce1b5_Make%20Space%20for%20Girls%20-%20Research%20Draft.pdf

Smithsonian Institution. (1988, December). Arts to zoos: Child labor. Smithsonian Education. https://www.smithsonianmag.com/science-nature/rise-modern-sportswoman-180960174/

Eschner, K. (2017, August 26). The rise of the modern sportswoman. Smithsonian Magazine. https://www.smithsonianmag.com/science-nature/rise-modern-sportswoman-180960174/

Concordia University. (n.d.). A brief history of women in sports. https://kinesiology.csp.edu/sports-coaches-and-trainers/a-brief-history-of-women-in-sports/

Stevenson, B., & Wolfers, J. (2009). The paradox of declining female happiness [Working paper]. Social Science Research Network. https://papers.ssrn.com/sol3/papers.cfm?abstract_id=1408690

Gray, P. (2024, May 20). #63. More on moral panics and thoughts about when to ban smartphones. Peter Gray’s Play Makes Us Human. https://petergray.substack.com/p/63-more-on-moral-panics-and-thoughts?utm_source=publication-search

Neufeld, G., & Maté, G. (2004). Hold on to your kids: Why parents need to matter more than peers. Knopf Canada.https://www.amazon.com/Hold-Your-Kids-Parents-Matter/dp/0375760288

Van Ausdale, D., & Feagin, J. R. (2001). The first R: How children learn race and racism. Rowman & Littlefield.https://www.amazon.com/First-Children-Learn-Race-Racism/dp/0847688623

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Are you tired of facing family challenges alone? In this powerful episode, we witness the transformative journey of two parents who discovered that joining a parenting support group can change everything at home.

Parenting wasn’t meant to be a solo journey. When sleep deprivation, communication struggles with partners, and children’s big emotions become overwhelming family challenges, the right parenting support group makes all the difference. This episode shows how connecting with a supportive parenting community helped transform 45-minute tantrums into 10-minute conversations, restore sleep after years of exhaustion, and address family communication challenges in ways that parenting books alone never could.

Now, more than ever, we need each other. In this re-released episode from two years ago, you’ll hear authentic stories that will inspire you to find your own parenting support group and experience the profound changes that happen when parents help each other overcome family challenges.

Questions This Episode Will Answer

How can I find a parenting support group when I don’t have family nearby?

Distance from extended family doesn’t mean you must face family challenges alone. This episode demonstrates how intentional parenting support groups can provide even more targeted help than your actual family. You’ll learn how to connect with parents who share your values and family challenges, not just parents who happen to live close to you. These parenting support groups create meaningful connections that provide practical help, emotional support, and accountability.

How do I find a parenting support group with members who won’t judge me?

Finding non-judgmental parenting support begins with seeking communities built on mutual understanding rather than competition. This episode shows how specialized parenting support groups create safe spaces where you can share family challenges honestly – even showing up in tears or looking completely exhausted – without fear of judgment.

Can a parenting support group really help with my child’s emotional outbursts?

Yes! When parents learn tools like radical listening through supportive parenting groups, children’s emotional regulation challenges improve dramatically. This episode demonstrates how one parent reduced tantrum duration from 45 minutes to just 10 minutes by applying techniques learned in her parenting support group.

How do I balance everyone’s needs when family challenges leave me exhausted?

Meeting everyone’s needs begins with recognizing your own. This episode reveals how a parenting support group provides permission to prioritize self-care (especially sleep) as the foundation for better addressing your family challenges, including your children’s and partner’s needs.

Can a parenting support group help with partner communication challenges?

Absolutely. You’ll hear how a parenting support group helped identify and address difficult family communication patterns where one partner was agreeing to things they didn’t want just to end discussions. Now the partners have an effective framework for honestly communicating about family challenges and needs.

What’s more valuable for addressing family challenges – parenting courses or a parenting support group?

While quality parenting information matters, this episode reveals how the combination of both creates the most powerful approach to family challenges. You’ll hear how structured parenting support groups help you actually implement tools you learn, rather than just collecting more information about family challenges.

What You’ll Learn in This Episode

• Practical ways to find and build your own parenting support group
• How parenting support groups transform sleep challenges through accountability and permission for self-care
• The power of techniques learned in parenting support groups to dramatically reduce children’s emotional outbursts
• Methods for improving partner communication about parenting decisions and family challenges
• Why vulnerability in parenting support groups creates stronger families
• How to move beyond parenting advice to create lasting transformation of family challenges
• What happens when parenting support group members invest in each other’s success rather than competing
• The surprising ways parenting support groups free up energy for better addressing family challenges
• Why small, intentional parenting support groups create deeper change than large forums
• How to recognize when you need support for family challenges and actually receive it effectively

Frequently Asked Questions

What is a parenting support group and why do I need one for family challenges?

A parenting support group is a community of other parents who provide emotional support, practical advice, and accountability for addressing family challenges. Unlike most online parenting forums, an intentional parenting support group helps you implement tools consistently, validates your struggles with family challenges, and creates space for growth. Research shows parents with strong parenting support networks experience less stress and make more consistent decisions when facing family challenges.

How can parenting support groups help with sleep deprivation challenges?

Parenting support groups provide accountability, permission for self-care, and practical tools for sleep challenges. When you share your sleep-related family challenges with supportive parents, you’re more likely to prioritize your rest needs, implement consistent routines, and identify strategies that work for your family’s specific situation.

How do I find the right parenting support group for my specific family challenges?

Finding the right parenting support group involves looking for communities aligned with your values, moderated by experienced facilitators, and structured for meaningful connection. Seek parenting support groups where members share family challenges openly without judgment, offer experience-based support rather than just advice, and create consistent opportunities for deeper connection.

Can parenting support groups really improve relationship challenges with my partner?

Yes, quality parenting support groups can transform partner relationships by identifying communication patterns, providing tools for expressing needs clearly, and creating frameworks for resolving parenting disagreements and family challenges.

What makes small parenting support groups more effective than large online forums for family challenges?

Small parenting support groups create psychological safety through consistent membership, deeper relationships, and personalized support for family challenges. Unlike large forums where advice comes from strangers, small parenting support groups allow members to understand each family’s unique context, provide relevant suggestions for specific family challenges, and offer accountability over time, leading to more sustained positive changes.

Can parenting support groups help with the unique family challenges of raising a child with special needs?

Specialized parenting support groups are particularly valuable for parents facing the family challenges of raising children with special needs or unique situations. These parenting support groups connect you with others confronting similar family challenges, provide specialized knowledge beyond general parenting advice, and offer understanding that may not be available in your geographic community.

If you want help to break down the changes you want to make into tiny manageable steps and be held (gently!) accountable for taking them (or adjusting course if needed…), we’d love to have you join the group of likeminded parents in the membership.

Get the information you need and the support to actually implement it, all in what members call “the least judgmental corner of the internet.”

The Parenting Membership is now open for immediate enrollment. Sign up now!

Jump to highlights:

00:54 Introduction of today’s episode

03:23 Jenny and Emma came up with the idea to record an episode for the podcast to talk about how their parenting has changed over the last year

04:30 Emma wasn’t having major problems, but wanted to be prepared for the challenges that may happen down the road

05:23 Jenny was struggling because she hadn’t had a full night’s sleep in 4 ½ years…and now prioritizes herself through the support of Emma and the members of the ACTion group

08:50 Because Emma is a high achiever, she imagined parenthood to be a breeze

10:45 Jenny believed that if you are prepared and serene, and you bring this calm energy to your pregnancy, you will have an easy child

13:36 The lack of understanding of our values is what causes us to be conflicted about becoming parents

15:41 Our child’s big feelings are their way of letting us know that they are not okay.

20:10 It’s great to have a community who we can trust, and who will support and respect our values

22:40 The ACTion group conversation once a week gives parents a foundation to parent more intentionally

25:00 Emma used the problem-solving method to find a solution for her child’s resistance during nail cutting by trying to hypothesize her child’s feelings.

29:37 Needs can be met when you remove the ‘shoulds.’

31:12 Emma’s parenting has been a lot less tense over the past year and a half, which was a wonderful surprise

32:45 Jenny saw big changes when she used a deep listening technique with her son during an episode of intense anger and frustration

35:03 Talking about how Parenting Membership change Jenny’s life

46:40 It’s life-changing to see a profound change in our children and ourselves when both of our needs are fulfilled

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Is your child’s refusal to listen driving you CRAZY? You’re not alone! In this transformative episode, mom-of-three Chrystal reveals how she went from constant power struggles to peaceful cooperation without sacrificing authority. Discover the exact approach that works when “because I said so” fails. Stop the exhausting battles TODAY and create the respectful relationship you’ve always wanted with your child.

Questions This Episode Will Answer:

Why won’t my child listen to me? Children resist when their needs aren’t being met. Understanding what’s beneath the “not listening” transforms power struggles into opportunities for connection and cooperation.

How do I get my child to listen without threatening or bribing? Focus on identifying both your needs and your child’s needs, then problem-solve together to find solutions that work for everyone. This creates willing cooperation rather than reluctant compliance.

Will my child ever listen the first time I ask? Yes! When children know that you’ll try to meet their needs as well as your own, they become MUCH more willing to collaborate with you. The path to first-time listening isn’t through control but through connection.

Am I creating an entitled child by not demanding immediate compliance? Actually, the opposite is true. Children raised with respectful problem-solving develop stronger empathy, better boundary recognition, and more social skills than those raised with strict obedience requirements.

How do I handle emergencies when I need immediate compliance? Create a foundation of trust by respecting autonomy in non-emergency situations. When true emergencies arise, children who trust you will respond to your urgency because they know you don’t overuse your authority.

What You’ll Learn In This Episode:

• The powerful shift from control-based parenting to needs-based problem-solving
• Why resistance is a signal that needs attention, not defiance that needs punishment
• How to identify your real non-negotiables versus situations where flexibility serves everyone
• Practical examples of problem-solving conversations that create willing cooperation
• The critical difference between limits (changing someone’s behavior) and boundaries (what you’re willing to do)
• How to teach children about healthy boundaries by respecting theirs
• Why “stop means stop” and “no means no” are essential teachings (and how to get your child to respect your ‘stop’ and ‘no’)
• How to recognize when you’re getting triggered by your child’s “not listening”
• The surprising truth about how respectful parenting creates more socially capable children
• Why one intentional parent can make all the difference, even without perfect partner alignment

If you’re thinking “but my child NEEDS to learn to listen,” this episode directly addresses how this approach creates MORE compliance in situations that truly matter.

Ready to transform your daily battles into peaceful cooperation? Take the next step in our Setting Loving and Effective Limits workshop. Click the image below to sign up.

Jump to highlights:

00:45 Introduction of today’s episode

02:00 An open invitation to join the Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits workshop

06:12 Chrystal’s experience in the Setting Loving (&Effective!) Limits workshop

07:46 Saying NO to our child isn’t necessarily the right answer

08:48 Challenges that Chrystal had as someone who was brought up in a religious family

11:44 How resilience will play a big role in our children

13:10 Chrystal’s transition from being controlled to having freedom and autonomy

13:50 As a result of having a strong-willed child, Chrystal experiences a lot pushback and challenges

17:01 When to set limits and boundaries to our children

19:18 Ways to navigate our younger child when we need to take a pause in a situation

21:42 The difference between setting limits and boundaries

23:00 The importance of respectful parenting

24:20 Using body cues instead of saying NO

26:31 Introduction to Problem-Solving Conversation: Nonjudgmental Observation

32:52 Our children’s resistance creates a “US and THEM” scenario

39:54 The lessons that Chrystal learned from the book called Siblings Without Rivalry.

43:48 White presenting child plays a big role in changing the systems

46:02 Wrapping up the discussion

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Is gentle parenting just permissive parenting in disguise? This episode reveals a powerful framework for meeting both your needs and your child’s, creating cooperation without sacrificing connection.

Is gentle parenting the same as permissive parenting?

No, gentle parenting is not the same as permissive parenting. Gentle parenting focuses on meeting both the child’s and the parent’s needs with respect and empathy. Permissive parenting prioritizes the child’s desires without setting appropriate boundaries or considering the parent’s needs. Parents can be gentle without being permissive by understanding and meeting their own needs, as well as their child’s needs.

Why don’t logical consequences and offering limited choices always work?

Logical consequences and offering limited choices don’t always work because they are often strategies to control a child’s behavior rather than addressing the underlying needs driving that behavior. When a child is acting out, they may be seeking connection, autonomy, or have other unmet needs. Logical consequences and choices don’t meet these needs, so the behavior continues.

How can I set effective limits without sliding into permissiveness?

To set effective limits without becoming permissive, understand that your needs matter just as much as your child’s. Identify the underlying need you’re currently trying to meet with a limit, and identify strategies that honor both your needs and your child’s. This prevents you from prioritizing the child’s desires while neglecting your own needs, which is characteristic of permissive parenting.

What’s the difference between a natural consequence and a logical consequence?

A natural consequence is what naturally occurs as a result of an action such as touching a hot stove and getting burned. A logical consequence is an action that a parent takes as a result of an action, such as taking away screen time because a child didn’t do what they were told.

How can I meet both my needs and my child’s needs in challenging situations?

Meeting both your needs and your child’s needs starts with identifying the underlying needs driving the behavior in challenging situations. If a child is stalling at bedtime, they may need connection. A parent can meet this need by spending time with the child before bed, reading an extra book, or engaging in a quiet activity together. This could the child’s need for connection, while also meeting the parent’s need for the child to go to bed at a reasonable time.

What’s the underlying cause of my child’s resistance to everyday routines?

The underlying cause of a child’s resistance to everyday routines is often an unmet need. For example, resistance to putting on shoes may stem from a need for autonomy (if the child wants to do it themselves), or connection (if they want you to do it for them). By recognizing the need, you can find ways to involve the child in the process, such as letting them choose which shoes to wear, giving them a sense of control and making the routine more cooperative.

Is there an alternative to the four traditional parenting styles?

Yes, there are alternatives to the four traditional parenting styles (neglectful, authoritarian, permissive, and authoritative). Dr. Diana Baumrind, who created the styles, also found a ‘harmonious’ method where parents consider the child’s ideas as just as important as their own, which sounds a lot like Gentle Parenting – but she decided not to research it further!

What you’ll learn in this episode

In this episode, we challenge the common misconception that gentle, respectful parenting is the same as permissive parenting.

You’ll learn why traditional parenting tools like logical consequences and offering limited choices often don’t work in the long run. Logical consequences are essentially punishments that don’t address the underlying needs causing resistance, while offering limited choices doesn’t truly respect a child’s autonomy.

The episode introduces a powerful alternative framework focused on understanding both your needs and your child’s needs. You’ll see how identifying these needs opens up multiple strategies for cooperation without power struggles. Through real examples like Cori’s story with her toddler who resisted toothbrushing for a year, you’ll witness how this approach can transform seemingly impossible situations.

We critique the traditional four parenting styles, explaining how they were originally developed as models of parental control rather than approaches to building healthy relationships. We introduce a version of gentle parenting that considers children’s needs as equally important as parents’ needs – not more, and not less.

You’ll gain practical language tools for setting clear boundaries and fostering genuine autonomy. These simple phrases can dramatically shift your interactions from struggle to cooperation.

By the end of this episode, you’ll understand how to set necessary limits while still respecting your child’s autonomy and building connection. You’ll see that it’s possible to parent effectively without resorting to power-over approaches – or becoming permissive.

FAQs

What’s the difference between gentle parenting and permissive parenting?

Gentle parenting focuses on treating children with respect and understanding the needs behind behaviors, while still maintaining appropriate boundaries. Permissive parenting, on the other hand, prioritizes the child’s needs over the parent’s needs, allowing children to “walk all over” parents. The key distinction is that this version of gentle parenting acknowledges that both the parent’s and child’s needs matter equally.

Why do logical consequences feel uncomfortable to use?

Logical consequences often feel uncomfortable because they’re essentially punishments dressed up in friendly-sounding language. They attempt to control children’s behavior rather than addressing the underlying needs causing resistance. When we implement logical consequences, we’re using our power over our children in ways we wouldn’t consider acceptable in adult relationships.

My child resists everyday routines like toothbrushing and getting dressed. What’s really going on?

Resistance often signals unmet needs. For example, a child who stalls at bedtime may have an unmet need for connection with you. A child who refuses to get dressed might be seeking autonomy (if they want to do it themselves) or connection (if they want your help). Instead of focusing on changing the behavior, try to identify and address the underlying need. Sometimes meeting needs in one area (like autonomy) can reduce resistance in seemingly unrelated areas.

What can I say instead of “I can’t” when setting boundaries with my child?

Using “I am not willing to…” instead of “I can’t…” acknowledges that you’re making a choice based on your needs rather than suggesting you have no choice. For example, instead of saying “I can’t play now, I have to cook dinner,” try “I’m not willing to play right now because I need to prepare our meal.” This language models honest boundary-setting and acknowledges that you’re prioritizing certain needs over others in that moment.

How can I encourage cooperation without resorting to limited choices or consequences?

Start by asking “Are you willing to…?” which acknowledges your child’s autonomy. Ensure this is a genuine choice they can say no to. When resistance occurs, get curious about the underlying needs rather than insisting on compliance. Find creative solutions that meet both your needs, like washing hands with a cloth at the table rather than insisting they go to the sink, or inviting them to help with dinner preparation if they’re seeking connection.

What if my child seems to have an insatiable need for connection?

Some children do have stronger needs for connection than others. Check in with yourself to see if you’re able to meet their need without sacrificing your own needs. When you notice feelings of frustration, anger, or resentment arising, these are signals that it’s time to set a boundary. Using “I’m not willing to…” language helps you honor both your needs and teaches your child that setting boundaries is a healthy part of relationships.

How is this approach different from the traditional parenting styles?

The four traditional parenting styles (authoritarian, authoritative, permissive, and neglectful) were originally described by Dr. Diana Baumrind as “models of parental control” rather than approaches to building healthy relationships. They focus on controlling children’s behavior rather than meeting everyone’s needs. Interestingly, Baumrind actually identified a fifth approach she called “harmonious” parenting, which resembles the needs-based approach discussed in this episode, but didn’t pursue researching it further.

How can I tell if I’m being permissive?

You’re being permissive when you consistently prioritize your child’s needs over your own. If you notice feelings of resentment building up or find yourself thinking “they always get their way,” these are clues that you might be sliding into permissiveness. The alternative isn’t strict control but rather ensuring that both your needs and your child’s needs are acknowledged and addressed.

And if you want my complete framework for how to navigate misbehavior, with ALL FIVE of the tools we can use and guidelines on exactly WHEN to use each of them, sign up for the Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits.

Click the banner to learn more.

Other episodes mentioned:

• 020: How do I get my child to do what I want them to do?
• 181: Why ‘giving choices’ doesn’t work – and what to do instead
• 148:Is spanking a child really so bad?

Jump to highlights

01:21 Introduction of today’s episode

02:47 Many parents believe that gentle, respectful parenting inevitably leads to being permissive. This episode challenges that misconception, arguing that the “slippery slope” from respectful to permissive parenting isn’t inevitable. We’ll examine why gentle parenting doesn’t mean surrendering authority and explore alternatives to both permissiveness and strict authoritative approaches

05:50 Dr. Baumrind identified four methods of parental control, but also found a fifth “harmonious” approach used by parents who rejected the demandingness scale. These parents treated their children’s needs as equally important as their own. The six children raised with this approach showed positive outcomes, especially girls, whom Dr. Baumrind noted were “easy to control,” reflecting her criteria for effective parenting

10:29 Getting out the door on time, stopping sofa jumping, or ending screen time aren’t actual needs—they’re strategies we use to meet deeper needs like physical safety, peace, or feeling competent as parents. Understanding the difference between strategies and true needs helps us see what’s really driving our parenting decisions

21:24 Logical consequences are actually punishments created by parents, unlike natural consequences, which occur without parental intervention. Natural consequences happen organically without requiring a parent to decide or enforce the outcome

23:55 Logical consequences in parent-child relationships likely count as more than one negative interaction because parents hold significant power over children and serve as primary attachment figures, unlike the adult relationships the Gottmans studied

29:00 When we recognize the underlying need behind a child’s behavior, we can find strategies meeting both our needs, instead of relying on logical consequences. With a very young child, offering choices can “work” because they don’t fully see that the choices you’re offering are not meeting their need for autonomy

36:21 We shouldn’t try to address connection needs only during rushed morning routines. Instead, we should take a broader approach, ensuring we meet our children’s connection needs throughout the day. When children feel consistently connected, they won’t desperately seek attention during high-pressure moments like morning departures or bedtime routines

38:57 When children seek more connection, we introduce boundaries by first checking in with ourselves. If you’ve met your own needs and can approach your child with an open heart, consider whether their connection request either meets your own need for connection or doesn’t prevent you from meeting another need. In these situations, both your needs and your child’s needs are being met, creating a positive outcome

44:09 When our parents were not being permissive but rather balanced, we agreed when both our needs aligned, and set boundaries when our needs weren’t being met. This approach teaches children that boundaries are valuable life skills

44:40 Wrapping up the discussion

45:30 An open invitation for Setting Loving (&Effective!) Limits workshop

References

Lumanlan, J. (2017, January 08). Episode 020: How do I get my child to do what I want them to do? Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/captivate-podcast/compliance/

Lumanlan, J. (2023, April 9). Episode 181: Why ‘giving choices’ doesn’t work – and what to do instead. Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/captivate-podcast/givingchoices/

Lumanlan, J. (2022, February 6). Episode 148: Is spanking a child really so bad?. Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/captivate-podcast/spanking/

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“How can we get on the same page about discipline?” is one of the most common questions parents face. Before having kids, most couples never realize how different family backgrounds, experiences, and parenting beliefs will collide into seemingly unbridgeable differences. This episode explores practical tools to navigate these differences, from de-escalating tense moments to having productive conversations that honor both parents’ needs while creating consistency for your children.

Questions this episode will answer

Why do my partner and I have such different approaches to discipline?

Your differing approaches likely stem from your own childhood experiences, family values, and what you’re trying to “fix” from your upbringing. You might also have different core needs you’re trying to meet — one parent might prioritize structure and predictability while another focuses on emotional connection. Understanding these differences is key to finding common ground rather than seeing your partner as “wrong.”

How do I handle it when my partner disciplines our child in a way I don’t agree with?

When your partner uses a disciplinary approach you disagree with, jumping in to defend the kids often escalates the situation. Instead, try a de-escalation approach: help everyone regulate with your calm presence, validate each person’s feelings, and offer a simple solution that gives everyone an out while preserving dignity. Save deeper discussions for later when kids aren’t present.

How can I talk to my partner about discipline without starting a fight?

Approach conversations without judgment by framing the discussion around shared goals (“Can we talk about what we want to do when the kids don’t listen?”) rather than criticizing their approach (“You’re too harsh with the kids”). The episode offers 10 indirect questions to help you understand the origins of your partner’s beliefs about discipline.

What if my partner thinks gentle parenting “doesn’t work”?

If your partner is using your imperfect moments as “evidence” that your approach doesn’t work, start with self-compassion. We look at how to use tools like The Feedback Process to explore your different ideas and find ways to move forward together.

How can we create a consistent approach that respects both our parenting styles?

Start by understanding what’s driving each of your approaches rather than just focusing on behaviors. When you identify the underlying needs you’re both trying to meet—whether it’s creating structure, ensuring emotional connection, or teaching responsibility—you’ll often find common ground. The episode provides indirect questions you can use to understand how your childhood experiences have shaped your parenting values. Then you can work together to determine what success looks like for both of you, examine what actually happens with different approaches, and create hybrid solutions that honor each person’s core values while giving your children the consistency they need.

What you’ll learn in this episode

How to use self-compassion when parenting differences arise

Self-compassion is essential when navigating differences in discipline approaches with your partner. Dr. Kristin Neff’s research shows self-compassion includes self-kindness versus self-judgment, common humanity versus isolation, and mindfulness versus over-identification. Practice treating yourself with the same kindness you’d offer a friend when you make mistakes or struggle to align with your partner.

The de-escalation approach for heated discipline moments

Instead of undermining your partner in the moment, learn to de-escalate by helping everyone regulate, validating all feelings without taking sides, and offering simple solutions that preserve dignity. This approach prevents your child from triangulating between parents or one parent becoming the “rescuer” while the other is the “bad guy.”

How to have non-judgmental conversations about discipline

Traditional feedback is given by one person to another, but in parenting you’ll be more on the same page when you learn collaboratively. This approach helps avoid criticism, which often triggers the Four Horsemen of relationship conflict: criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling.

Understanding the validation ladder for better communication

Learn the steps of Dr. Caroline Fleck’s Validation Ladder to help you deeply understand your partner’s concerns. Validation shows “you’re there, you get it, and you care” — essential for helping your partner to feel seen and understood before tackling differences.

How to identify and address the needs behind discipline styles

Your partner’s preference for certain discipline strategies is their best attempt to meet their needs. Learn to identify needs like competence, ease, respect, order, peace, connection, and recognition. Understanding these needs transforms how you view disagreements — what looks like being “too harsh” might be meeting a need for competence, while being “too soft” might be meeting a need for connection.

FAQs

How do I stop the good cop/bad cop dynamic with my partner?

Break the good cop/bad cop pattern by identifying the underlying needs driving each approach. When you understand these, you can create an approach to dealing with your child’s behavior that’s more likely to meet both of your needs. Have regular check-ins about what’s working and what needs adjustment, away from the children.

What should I do when my partner yells at our kids?

In the moment, focus on de-escalation rather than confrontation. Move closer to provide a calming presence, acknowledge everyone’s feelings without blame (“I can see we’re having a hard time”), and offer a simple solution that gives everyone an out. Save the deeper conversation for later when you’re both calm and the kids aren’t present. When you do talk, focus on understanding what triggered the reaction rather than criticizing.

Why does my partner parent so differently than I do?

Parenting approaches are deeply influenced by our own childhood experiences, cultural backgrounds, and personal values. Your partner’s discipline style likely reflects their attempt to either replicate what worked in their family or correct what didn’t. Understanding these origins through curious, non-judgmental conversations can help you see their approach as making sense given their history, even if you disagree with it.

How can I get my partner to be more consistent with discipline?

Instead of focusing on changing your partner, work together to identify shared parenting goals and values. Use the Feedback Process described in the episode to learn together rather than one person critiquing the other. Determine success criteria together, look at what actually happens when different approaches are used, and construct new understanding about what would work better for your family.

What if my partner disagrees with my parenting approach completely?

In the Parenting Membership, we learn communication strategies based in the Gottman Method to address challenges with our partners. When we understand the deep needs behind our partner’s approach to discipline (and they understand ours too), we can usually find a path forward that comes much closer to meeting both of our needs. You’ll see couples arguing much like you and your partner argue now, and then quickly learning new tools that help you to talk about issues you disagree on without either of you getting triggered.

And we’ll give you a preview of those tools in the Full Experience of the Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits workshop!

Click the banner to learn more.

Jump to highlights:

01:21 Introduction of today’s episode

04:55 Self-compassion researcher Dr. Kristin Neff identifies three components: self-kindness versus self-judgment, common humanity versus isolation, and mindfulness versus over-identification. When struggling with parenting differences, we need all three elements. Instead of harsh self-criticism about parenting conflicts, pause and offer yourself the same kindness you’d give a friend in your situation

08:12 Validation simply acknowledges the legitimate feelings underneath because we all want to be understood by others

12:20 Joellen explains that the feedback process is a process of learning where a learner constructs their own understanding of the information to be able to make it their own

15:55 10 Questions that parents might consider asking to their partner to help get a better understanding of how each parent think of these issues about parenting

18:15 Dr. Fleck identifies validation as crucial for authentic relationships, allowing us to feel seen and loved for who we are. Without validation, others aren’t relating to our true selves. This connects to Joellen Killion’s feedback process, where participants must understand each other’s wants, listen to different perspectives, and find common ground. The goal is mutual respect where neither person claims expertise, but both voices are valued

20:30 Four horsemen of the apocalypse are: criticism, defensiveness, contempt and stonewalling

25:30 The beauty of identifying needs is that while strategies for meeting needs can conflict like a strict consequence system versus a more collaborative approach, the underlying needs rarely do

27:45 Introducing Setting Loving (&Effective!) Limits Workshop

33:02 When criticism defines a relationship, facing more criticism feels overwhelming. Retreating into silence and handling things separately seems easier than risking additional pain

34:31 A little introduction on Parenting Membership

47:04 When discussing parenting disagreements constructively, you can explore values without damaging your relationship, instead actually strengthening your connection without emotional tailspins

50:02 Setting Loving (&Effective!) Limits Workshop and Parenting Membership information

References

Lumanlan, J. (2020, October 18). Episode 122: Self-Compassion for Parents.  Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/captivate-podcast/selfcompassion/

Lumanlan, J. (2024, April 14). Episode 209: How to get on the same page as your parenting partner.  Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/captivate-podcast/parentingpartners/

Lumanlan, J. (2025, March 23). Episode 241: Validating children’s feelings: Why it’s important, and how to do it with Dr. Caroline Fleck.  Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/captivate-podcast/validation-dr-caroline-fleck/

Lumanlan, J. (2025, April 13). Episode 242: The secret to having feedback conversations your family will actually hear.  Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/captivate-podcast/feedback-family-will-hear/

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Have you ever shared an observation with your partner or child, only to watch them immediately become defensive or shut down? You meant well, but somehow your words landed as criticism instead of the helpful insight you intended.

In this episode, we explore The Feedback Process framework with Joellen Killion, examining how we can transform our family communications. When we participate in the feedback process effectively, we create conversations that family members can actually hear—conversations that lead to lasting positive change rather than defensiveness and resistance.

 Questions this episode will answer

• Why do our attempts to share observations with family members often lead to defensiveness?
• What’s the difference between criticism and participating in the feedback process?
• How can we frame our observations so they’re received as helpful rather than hurtful?
• What specific language patterns help family members stay open to what we’re sharing?
• How can we create feedback conversations that strengthen relationships instead of damaging them?
• How does shifting from “waiting to respond” to “truly listening” transform the entire feedback dynamic?
• How can we teach children to participate in the feedback process constructively?

 What you’ll learn in this episode

• The key components of The Feedback Process framework and how they transform family communications
• Practical techniques to share observations without triggering defensiveness in your partner or children
• Specific language patterns that help feedback recipients stay open to what you’re sharing
• How to recognize when feedback isn’t being received and what to do about it
• The crucial difference between criticism and constructive feedback
• Ways to create a family culture where feedback strengthens relationships rather than damaging them
• How participating in the feedback process builds emotional intelligence in children
• Practical examples of transforming common family conflicts through effective feedback conversations

This episode provides practical tools to break cycles of criticism and defensiveness, creating space for authentic communication that leads to positive change in your family relationships.

Joellen Killion’s book

The Feedback Process (Affiliate link)

Other episodes mentioned

• 212: How to make the sustainable change you want to see in your family
• 209: How to get on the same page as your parenting partner
• 102: From confusion and conflict to confident parenting

Jump to highlights

00:57 Introduction of today’s guest.

04:17 Key distinction between the traditional feedback that we usually practice and the feedback process.

09:50 When we encourage our partners, children, and siblings to express their views and desires, we acknowledge that we don’t have authority over them. True connection comes from understanding what others want, sharing our perspective, and finding mutual agreement.

14:55 When parents define success differently, navigate this by exploring each other’s underlying values without judgment, sharing your perspective, finding common ground, and experimenting with compromises that honor both viewpoints while meeting your child’s needs.

20:52 Create space for productive dialogue by focusing on the agreement versus the action, and inviting reflection rather than demanding explanations, you maintain connection while addressing inconsistency. This helps parents recommit to thoughtfully revising agreements when needed.

27:48 The feedback typology and how we know what type of feedback to use in any given situation.

32:48 Examples of what the feedback process looks like in the regulate middle stage, and the metacognitive reflect stage.

35:19 What does reflecting and metacognition look like with a child and with a parenting partner?

38:56 The stages of the feedback process.

40:11 Situations given by Joellen in which we can determine if it is construction knowledge or deconstruction knowledge.

49:26 Success comes from finding the middle ground that allows for consistent parenting. We can examine specific situations where we approached our child’s emotions differently, analyzing how each of us felt, how our child reacted, and the ultimate outcomes. From this analysis, we can construct an ideal approach that incorporates both perspectives.

55:55 The first question in the feedback process is what do you want to learn about the topic, because it shows a small indication of motivation, openness, and willingness to learn

57:46 The difference between giving and receiving feedback and engaging in the feedback process or a learning process.

59:10 Wrapping up the discussion.

References

Bing-You, R. G., & Trowbridge, R. L. (2009). Why medical educators may be failing at feedback. Jama, 302(12), 1330-1331.

Black, P., & Wiliam, D. (1998). Assessment and classroom learning. Assessment in Education: principles, policy & practice, 5(1), 7-74.

Bok, H. G., Teunissen, P. W., Spruijt, A., Fokkema, J. P., van Beukelen, P., Jaarsma, D. A., & van der Vleuten, C. P. (2013). Clarifying students’ feedback‐seeking behaviour in clinical clerkships. Medical education, 47(3), 282-291.

Butler, D. L., & Winne, P. H. (1995). Feedback and self-regulated learning: A theoretical synthesis. Review of educational research, 65(3), 245-281.

Hattie, J., & Timperley, H. (2007). The power of feedback. Review of educational research, 77(1), 81-112.

Kluger, A. N., & DeNisi, A. (1996). The effects of feedback interventions on performance: a historical review, a meta-analysis, and a preliminary feedback intervention theory. Psychological bulletin, 119(2), 254.

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What exactly is validation? Dr. Fleck defines it as communication that demonstrates you are mindful, understand, and empathize with another person’s experience, thereby accepting it as valid.

In this illuminating conversation with Dr. Caroline Fleck, author the book Validation, we explore the powerful concept of validation and how it can transform your relationship with your child. Dr. Fleck is a licensed psychologist, corporate consultant, and Adjunct Clinical Instructor at Stanford University.

After the conversation with Dr. Fleck, I provide my own perspective on the third part of her book. While I found the first two parts on validation techniques extremely valuable and immediately applicable, I share some concerns about using validation as a tool for changing children’s behavior. I explore the ethical considerations of consent-based relationships with children and offer an alternative approach focused on understanding needs rather than modifying behavior. The conversation gives you an overview of the very useful validation framework, while the conclusion honors my commitment to respectful, needs-based parenting approaches that maintain children’s autonomy and inner experience.

Questions this episode will answer

• How do I validate my child’s feelings when they’re having a meltdown?
• Does validating my child’s emotions make tantrums worse or last longer?
• What should I say when my child is upset about something that seems trivial?
• How can I tell the difference between validating feelings versus validating bad behavior?
• What are the most effective words to use when validating my child’s emotions?
• How does validation help my child develop emotional regulation skills?
• What happens if I’ve been unintentionally invalidating my child’s feelings?
• Is it possible to validate feelings while still setting necessary boundaries?
• What simple validation techniques can I start using today with my child?

What you’ll learn in this episode

• Simple, practical phrases to validate your child’s feelings during difficult moments
• How to respond when your child is upset about something that seems small (like a broken cracker)
• The step-by-step validation ladder you can use with children of all ages
• Why saying “You’re OK!” actually makes tantrums worse and what to say instead
• How validation helps your child develop emotional regulation skills faster
• Easy mindfulness techniques to stay calm when your child is emotional
• Specific examples of validation for common parenting challenges
• How to validate feelings while still maintaining important boundaries
• Ways to repair your relationship if you’ve been unintentionally invalidating
• The connection between childhood validation and long-term mental health

Whether you’re dealing with tantrums, big emotions, difficult conversations, or just want to build a stronger connection with your child, the validation techniques shared in this episode provide a foundation for healthier relationships and emotional well-being.

Dr. Fleck’s book

Validation: how the skill set that revolutionized psychology will transform your relationships, increase your influence, and change your life (Affiliate link)

Jump to highlights

00:57 Introducing today’s episode and guest speaker

04:06 Definition of validation by Dr. Caroline Fleck

04:38 Importance of validation in our relationships

08:27 The idea that facts are debatable, you have fundamentally uprooted the basis for determining validity

14:44 How does validating other people helps us?

16:48 The role of validating our kid’s feelings in some kinds of situations

20:07 Gender differences in terms of ability to validate and willingness to learn about validating

23:48 Invalidation is one of the single greatest contributors to mental health problems that we often know

27:02 It is possible to develop a self-validation wherein you progress the skills to validate yourself

28:38 The validation ladder has eight skills that map to one or more of those qualities

31:57 How does Dr. Fleck relate “attending” into one of the mindfulness skills

33:56 The other important qualities to attending in non-verbal which is a very critical way of communicating

36:02 Copying is also one of the two important skills that are located at the bottom of the validation ladder

46:23 Equalizing is the idea that anyone in your shoes would always do the same thing

47:48 Proposing is sharing an idea about what you think the other person is thinking or feeling based I what they’ve said in the conversation

54:34 Validating the other person’s worth by demonstrating that you put their experience by sharing

56:09 Dr. Caroline Fleck summarizes the discussion

58:44 Jen’s thought about the third part that focuses on behavioral change and why she took a different approach

01:02:09 DBT is a behaviorist-based approach which serves an important purpose in clinical settings where adults have specifically sought help for behaviors that are causing them distress.

01:08:58 Wrapping up the discussion

References:

Adrian, M., Berk, M. S., Korslund, K., Whitlock, K., McCauley, E., & Linehan, M. (2018). Parental validation and invalidation predict adolescent self-harm. Professional psychology: research and practice, 49(4), 274.

Greville-Harris, M., Hempel, R., Karl, A., Dieppe, P., & Lynch, T. R. (2016). The power of invalidating communication: Receiving invalidating feedback predicts threat-related emotional, physiological, and social responses. Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, 35(6), 471-493.

Haas, A. P., Eliason, M., Mays, V. M., Mathy, R. M., Cochran, S. D., D’Augelli, A. R., … & Clayton, P. J. (2010). Suicide and suicide risk in lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender populations: Review and recommendations. Journal of homosexuality, 58(1), 10-51.

Holopainen, R., Lausmaa, M., Edlund, S., Carstens-Söderstrand, J., Karppinen, J., O’Sullivan, P., & Linton, S. J. (2023). Physiotherapists’ validating and invalidating communication before and after participating in brief cognitive functional therapy training. Test of concept study. European Journal of Physiotherapy, 25(2), 73-79.

Krause, E. D., Mendelson, T., & Lynch, T. R. (2003). Childhood emotional invalidation and adult psychological distress: The mediating role of emotional inhibition. Child abuse & neglect, 27(2), 199-213.

Linton, S. J., Flink, I. K., Nilsson, E., & Edlund, S. (2017). Can training in empathetic validation improve medical students’ communication with patients suffering pain? A test of concept. Pain reports, 2(3), e600.

Martin, C. G., Kim, H. K., & Freyd, J. J. (2018). In the spirit of full disclosure: Maternal distress, emotion validation, and adolescent disclosure of distressing experiences. Emotion, 18(3), 400.

Ruan, Y., Reis, H. T., Clark, M. S., Hirsch, J. L., & Bink, B. D. (2020). Can I tell you how I feel? Perceived partner responsiveness encourages emotional expression. Emotion, 20(3), 329.

Shenk, C. E., & Fruzzetti, A. E. (2011). The impact of validating and invalidating responses on emotional reactivity. Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, 30(2), 163-183.

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In this episode, we explore how to prepare children for the real world without sacrificing their authentic selves. Drawing on research about food habits, screen time, social expectations, and discipline approaches, this discussion offers balanced strategies that prioritize connection over control. You’ll learn how to guide children through external pressures while helping them develop critical thinking skills and maintaining their inherent wisdom.

Questions this episode will answer

• How can I help my child navigate a world of hyper-palatable foods without creating unhealthy food relationships?
• What’s the evidence about screen time and video games, and how can I approach them constructively?
• How do social systems pressure children to conform to limiting gender roles and expectations?
• Is traditional discipline truly preparing children for the “real world,” or is there a better approach?
• How can I honor my child’s authentic self while still giving them tools to succeed?

 What you’ll learn in this episode

• The truth about BMI measurements and research on body size that contradicts common assumptions
• How the Division of Responsibility model can transform mealtime struggles
• Why video games don’t increase violence and may offer surprising benefits
• Practical ways to help children develop critical thinking about media messages
• How to identify the unmet needs behind challenging behavior
• The concept of “traumatic invalidation” and its impact on children’s development
• Step-by-step approaches to build children’s self-regulation around screen time
• How to create meaningful conversations about problematic messages in children’s books
• Ways to validate children while preparing them for life’s challenges

This episode offers a thoughtful examination of the tensions between societal pressures and children’s innate wisdom, providing practical guidance for parents navigating these complex territories. Rather than offering quick fixes, we focus on building connection as the foundation for helping children develop resilience and discernment.

• Other episodes mentioned
• 007: Help! My toddler won’t eat vegetables
• 140: Mythbusting about fat and BMI with Dr. Lindo Bacon
• 142: Division of Responsibility with Ellyn Satter
• 218: What children learn from video games
• 106: Patriarchy is perpetuated through parenting (Part 1)
• 050: How to raise emotionally healthy boys
• 083: White privilege in parenting: What it is & what to do about it
• 238: Feeling exhausted and overwhelmed? Tools to help you cope
• 111: Parental Burnout
• 233: Time Outs: Helpful or harmful? Here’s what the research says

Jump to highlights

00:56 Introducing today’s episode

02:29 All kinds of cultural implications may be involved in what our children consume

04:35 Mealtimes can be stressful for children who likes to consume bread rather than to eat healthy foods like vegetables

07:12 Explaining what is a bliss point of a product

10:41 Things that help parents to navigate a world of hyper-palatable foods without creating unhealthy food relationship

15:07 Video games often reflect our broader societal values

16:35 Ways on how to help your child develop a healthy relationship with screens while preparing them for the digital world that they will inhabit

22:57 When a video game portrays a male character as warrior and a female character as healer, it often gives the same division of human qualities that pressure boys and girls

24:10 Choosing where the families live will significantly shape what children learn about social structures

26:19 Steps on how parents prepare our children for the reality while helping them develop into individuals

33:09 What is time-out teaching our children about relationship and their place in the world

42:12 How parent’s experiences shape our children to fit in the society

51:05 Acceptance of our own circumstances in dealing with our own child can be helpful at times

58:07 Wrapping up the discussion

References

Linehan, M.M. (2021). Building a life worth living. New York: Random House Trade Paperbacks.

Moss, M. (2013, February 20). The extraordinary science of addictive junk food. The New York Times. Retrieved from: https://www.nytimes.com/2013/02/24/magazine/the-extraordinary-science-of-junk-food.html

National Center for Education Statistics (1996). Do rich and poor districts spend alike? Author. Retrieved from:

https://nces.ed.gov/pubs/web/97916.asp#:~:text=Districts%20with%20high%2Dincome%20households,to%20spend%20for%20public%20education.&text=districts%20with%20moderate%2Dto%2Dhigh,student%20(%245%2C411%2D%20%244%2C774).

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What truly matters in a baby’s first year? This episode explores the top seven things parents should focus on, helping you set priorities with confidence.

Questions this episode will answer

• How much influence do parents really have on their child’s development?
• What parenting practices actually make a long-term difference?
• Should you be worried about hitting developmental milestones on time?
• How can you support your baby’s emotional well-being from day one?
• What are the best ways to foster a strong parent-child bond?

What you’ll learn in this episode

Parenting advice changes constantly, often reflecting shifts in culture and scientific understanding. In this episode, we take a research-backed approach to uncover what truly matters in your baby’s first year—and what doesn’t.

• The Myth of the Perfect Parent:Learn why the definition of “good parenting” has evolved and how cultural expectations influence parenting choices.
• Nature vs. Nurture:Discover the surprising role genetics and socioeconomic factors play in shaping a child’s future.
• The Truth About Developmental Milestones:Understand why comparing your child to others can be misleading—and what really matters for long-term success.
• Helping Your Baby Feel Secure:Explore the key elements of emotional safety and how they support healthy development.
• Building a Strong Parent-Child Connection:Learn practical strategies to foster trust, communication, and bonding with your baby.
• Making Parenting Easier:Get clarity on what’s actually worth stressing about—spoiler: fancy baby gear isn’t on the list.

Join us as we use our values to understand how to get parenting right from the start for your baby and family.

If you’re ready to dive even deeper into these ideas and get hands-on guidance in your parenting journey, our Right From The Start course that I run with Hannah & Kelty of Upbringing is here to help.

It’s designed to give you the confidence and tools to support your baby’s emotional well-being, strengthen your bond, and parent with intention—right from the start.

You’ll get access to nine modules of content on topics like supporting baby’s sleep, feeding with confidence, and supporting a strong sibling relationship. You’ll also learn how to meet your own needs – because you’re a whole person with needs, not just your baby’s parent.

Jump to highlights

01:25 Introducing today’s episode

03:35 Socioeconomic status can make a large contribution to children’s outcome

04:57 Traumatic experiences mostly happen among poor families

09:27 Non-exhaustive list of things that don’t matter enough to be worth worrying about for parents who are expecting a baby or have one under the age of one

16:05 Verbalization of comparing each baby’s milestone can create the conditions that we know can arouse shame in a lot of people surrounding the baby

21:23 Childcare is the sixth most important thing that can make an impact on a baby’s life in their first year of existence

26:42 Dividing the workload as a parent is one of the essential things that is crucial for the babies

33:39 How do our childhood experiences affect how we discipline our children?

39:53 Approaches in planning the baby’s first year of existence is the third most important idea that matters

43:31 Learning how to interpret someone’s behavior as an expression of their need can be crucial for babies

46:42 Identifying parent needs is the most important factor that matters for the baby’s development

52:01 Wrapping up the discussion

References

American Foundation for Suicide Prevention (n.d.). Suicide statistics. Author. Retrieved from: https://afsp.org/suicide-statistics/

DeSilver, D. (2013, December 19). Global inequality: How the U.S. compares. Pew Research Center. Retrieved from: https://www.pewresearch.org/short-reads/2013/12/19/global-inequality-how-the-u-s-compares/

Hirth, J. M., & Berenson, A. B. (2012). Racial/ethnic differences in depressive symptoms among young women: The role of intimate partner violence, trauma, and posttraumatic stress disorder. Journal of women’s health, 21(9), 966-974.

National Institute of Mental Health (2023, July). Major depression. Author. Retrieved from: https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/statistics/major-depression#:~:text=disorders%2C%20or%20medication.-,Prevalence%20of%20Major%20Depressive%20Episode%20Among%20Adults,more)%20races%20(13.9%25).

United Nations (n.d.) Inequality – Bridging the divide. Author. Retrieved from: https://www.un.org/en/un75/inequality-bridging-divide#:~:text=The%20measurements%20and%20impacts%20of,urbanisation%20raise%20urgent%20policy%20challenges.

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Struggling to get your child to open up? Discover 8 key reasons kids resist sharing their feelings—and actionable strategies to create real connection.

Why Your Child Won’t Open Up—and What You Can Do

As parents, we deeply want to support our children, but when we ask, “What’s wrong?” and get silence or resistance in return, it can feel frustrating and confusing. Why won’t they just tell us what’s going on? Whether your child is too young to articulate their emotions, brushes off your questions, or reacts with defiance, you’re not alone.

In this episode of Your Parenting Mojo, we explore the real reasons children struggle to express their feelings and how we, as parents, might unintentionally make it harder for them to share. You’ll learn practical, connection-based strategies to shift these dynamics, helping your child feel safe enough to open up—without forcing the conversation.

The episode builds on the ideas in my book Parenting Beyond Power: How to Use Connection and Collaboration to Transform Your Family – and the World.

Questions This Episode Will Answer:

• Why does my child shut down when I ask about their feelings?
• How can I encourage my child to express emotions—even if they can’t or don’t speak?
• Could how I talk to them make them less likely to share?
• How should I respond when they say,“I don’t care”or“Stop talking like that”?
• How can I build long-term trust so they confide in me more?
• What common parenting habits discourage open communication without us realizing it?
• What strategies can I use to make problem-solving conversations feel safe and collaborative?

What You’ll Learn in This Episode

• 8 key reasons why kids resist sharing their emotions.
• How to recognize when your childwantsto open up but doesn’t know how.
• The hidden impact of parenting focused on getting the child to behave correctly—and how to shift toward emotional connection.
• How to reframe conversations so your child knows you see, know, and love them for who they really are.
• Actionable tools to help your child feel safe expressing their emotions.

Taming Your Triggers 

If you see that your relationship with your child isn’t where you want it to be because you:

• Speak to them in a tone or using words that you would never let other people use with your child…
• Are rougher with their bodies than you know you should be when you feel frustrated…
• Feel guilt and/or shame about how they’re experiencing your words and actions, even though your intentions are never to hurt them…

…the Taming Your Triggers Workshop will help you.

Click the banner to learn more!

Other episodes mentioned:

• 207: How not to be a permissive parent
• 209: How to get on the same page as your parenting partner
• 226: Where emotions come from (and why it matters) Part 1
• 227: Where emotions come from (and why it matters) Part 2
• 075: Should we Go Ahead and Heap Rewards On Our Kid?

Jump to highlights

01:25 Introduction of episode

02:17 How to problem solve with children who cannot verbally share their feelings

04:34 Children might resist sharing their feelings because we’re focused on changing their behavior

07:53 Children might not participate in the conversation because we judge them

11:51 Children might resist participating in conversation because we have already decided what the “correct” solution is in advance

13:30 We haven’t taken time to understand the child’s needs

16:43 The child might not tell how they feel because they don’t know how they feel

19:56 The child might not tell you what’s wrong because you’re asking them in the heat of the moment

References

Lisitsa, E. (2013, May 13). The four horsemen: Contempt. The Gottman Institute. Retrieved from: https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-contempt/

Brittle, Z. (2023, May 29). D is for defensiveness. The Gottman Institute. https://www.gottman.com/blog/d-is-for-defensiveness/#:~:text=Defensiveness%2C%20defined%20as%20any%20attempt,righteous%20indignation%2C%20counterattack%20and%20whining.

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Children’s threats: What they mean and how to respond

“If you don’t give me a lollipop, I won’t be your friend anymore.” 

Said to a sibling: “If you don’t come and sit down, I’ll take your toy.” “If you don’t give me candy before dinner, I’ll hit you.”

Has your child made threats like this (or worse ones) when things don’t go their way?

Whether it’s yelling, “I’ll never be your friend again!” or threatening to hurt you, hearing these words can stop you in your tracks.

Why do our kids say things like this? Where do they even get the idea to use threats, when we’ve never said anything like this to them and we don’t think they’ve heard it from screen time either?

In this week’s episode we’ll dig deeply into these questions, and learn how to respond both in the moment the threat has happened – as well as what to do to reduce future threats.

You’ll hear:

• A step-by-step strategy to deal with a real-life example – from the parent whose child said “If you don’t lie down with me I will shatter your eyeballs!”
• The phrases we use with our kids that might unintentionally encourage this kind of behavior
• Specific, practical tools to use in the moment – and long before tensions escalate

Are you ready to turn these tough moments into opportunities for deeper connection?

Tune in to the episode today.

And what happens to you when your child threatens you?

Do you lose your mind?

Do you freak out that you might be raising a child who needs help to defuse violent tendencies, and then yell at them because their threats are SO INAPPROPRIATE?

Hopefully this episode reassures you that that isn’t the case. But that may not eliminate your triggered feelings – because these don’t always respond to logic.

Ready to break free from the cycle of triggered reactions and conflict in your parenting journey?

If you want to:

😟 Be triggered less often by your child’s behavior,

😐 React from a place of compassion and empathy instead of anger and frustration,

😊 Respond to your child from a place that’s aligned with your values rather than reacting in the heat of the moment,

…the Taming Your Triggers workshop will help you.

Join us to transform conflict into connection and reclaim peace in your parenting journey.

Click the banner to learn more!

Other episodes mentioned:

• SYPM 013: Triggered all the time to emotional safety
• 232: 10 game-changing parenting hacks – straight from master dog trainers

Jump to highlights:

03:03 Introduction of Reddit post about a child threatening his parent

19:27 The child listens but doesn’t do what they’re told

36:21 Recognizing the signals

42:42 Recognize the background stress

Need help with serious credible threats? Get in touch with the National Domestic Violence Hotline.

References:

Centers for Disease Control (n.d.) About sexual violence. Author. Retrieved from: https://www.cdc.gov/sexual-violence/about/index.html#:~:text=Over%20half%20of%20women%20and,experienced%20completed%20or%20attempted%20rape.

Lunasduel (2020). 3.5 year old giving violent threats. Reddit. Retrieved from: https://www.reddit.com/r/Parenting/comments/doma9m/35_year_old_giving_violent_threats/

Rutherford, A. (2018, September 17). What the origins of the ‘1 in 5’ statistic teaches us about sexual assault policy. Behavioral Scientist. Retrieved from: https://behavioralscientist.org/what-the-origins-of-the-1-in-5-statistic-teaches-us-about-sexual-assault-policy/#:~:text=Referring%20to%20the%20number%20of,prevent%2C%20and%20prosecute%20sexual%20assault.

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The Problem with Time Outs: Why They Fail, and What to Do Instead

Recently, in Part 1 of this two-part mini-series, we began looking at a question from listener Melissa: “Can time-outs ever have a place in a respectful parenting approach?  (And if not, what else am I supposed to do when my kid looks me in the eye and does something he knows he’s not supposed to do?)” That episode looked at the academic research on the effectiveness of time-outs, what else might account for the research that finds them ‘effective,’ and whether time-outs might harm children even if the research says they don’t.

Today’s episode builds on Part 1 by exploring why time outs often fail to address misbehavior effectively – and may harm parent-child relationships.

Key points include:

• We often don’t understand the distinction between misbehavior and emotional distress: Researchers agree that we should use time-outs when children misbehave, but not when they’re emotionally distressed.  But what if we aren’t as good at telling the difference between those two states as we think we are?
• Understanding why children do things we tell them not to do: We look specifically at what Melissa’s 3 ½-year-old son is doing – things like poking her face, throwing a toy when she’s told him not to, and dropping food on the floor during dinner, as well as pulling his sister’s hair, and hitting/kicking her.
• How alternatives to time out are even more effective: Even in controlled lab settings, compliance after time-outs often doesn’t exceed 60%.  We’ll meet parent Kendra, whose child had an Oppositional Defiant Disorder diagnosis that she no longer believes is true now she’s using the tools we discuss in this episode.

Drawing on research and these real-life stories, this episode offers actionable insights for parents who want effective alternatives to time-outs.Whether you’re dealing with boundary-testing toddlers or older children’s challenging behaviors, this episode provides tools to help you deal with your child’s misbehavior by creating empathy and trust, rather than disconnection and resentment.Love what you’re learning? Support the show and help us keep delivering insightful episodes like this one! 👉  Click here: https://learn.yourparentingmojo.com/donate

Ready to test your parenting instincts? Take our free quiz to see how these strategies could work for you!

Ready to break free from the cycle of triggered reactions and conflict in your parenting journey?

If you want to:

😟 Be triggered less often by your child’s behavior,

😐 React from a place of compassion and empathy instead of anger and frustration,

😊 Respond to your child from a place that’s aligned with your values rather than reacting in the heat of the moment,

the Taming Your Triggers workshop will help you make this shift.

Join us to transform conflict into connection and reclaim peace in your parenting journey.

Click the banner to learn more

Other episodes mentioned:

• Episode 227:Where emotions come from (and why it matters) Part 2
• Episode 226:Where emotions come from (and why it matters) Part 1
• Episode 213:How to stop using power over your child (and still get things done)
• Episode 207:How to not be a permissive parent

Jump to highlights:

01:52 Review of previous episode on timeouts

05:41 Understanding emotional distress and misbehavior

15:51 Addressing misbehavior without timeouts

19:30 The role of emotion regulation in parenting

36:02 Alternatives to timeouts

References:

Allen, K. D., & Warzak, W. J. (2000). The problem of parental nonadherence in clinical behavior analysis: Effective treatment is not enough. Journal of applied behavior analysis, 33(3), 373-391.

Bostow, D. E., & Bailey, J. B. (1969). Modification of severe disruptive and aggressive behavior using brief timeout and reinforcement procedures. Journal of Applied Behavior Analysis, 2(1), 31-37.

Brown, G. D., & Tyler Jr, V. O. (1968). Time out from reinforcement: A technique for dethroning the “duke” of an institutionalized delinquent group. Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry, 9(3‐4), 203-211.

Burchard, J. D., & Barrera, F. (1972). AN ANALYSIS OF TIMEOUT AND RESPONSE COST IN A PROGRAMMED ENVIRONMENT 1. Journal of applied behavior analysis, 5(3), 271-282.

Carraturo, F., Di Perna, T., Giannicola, V., Nacchia, M. A., Pepe, M., Muzii, B., … & Scandurra, C. (2023). Envy, social comparison, and depression on social networking sites: a systematic review. European Journal of Investigation in Health, Psychology and Education, 13(2), 364-376.

Corralejo, S. M., Jensen, S. A., Greathouse, A. D., & Ward, L. E. (2018). Parameters of time-out: Research update and comparison to parenting programs, books, and online recommendations. Behavior therapy, 49(1), 99-112.

Everett, G. E., Hupp, S. D., & Olmi, D. J. (2010). Time-out with parents: A descriptive analysis of 30 years of research. Education and Treatment of Children, 33(2), 235-259.

Kendall, S. B. (1965). Spontaneous recovery after extinction with periodic time-outs. Psychonomic Science, 2, 117-118.

Knight, R. M., Albright, J., Deling, L., Dore-Stites, D., & Drayton, A. K. (2020). Longitudinal relationship between time-out and child emotional and behavioral functioning. Journal of Developmental & Behavioral Pediatrics, 41(1), 31-37.

Larzelere, R. E., & Raumrind, D. (2010). Are spanking injunctions scientifically supported. Law & Contemp. Probs., 73, 57.

Larzelere, R. E., Gunnoe, M. L., Pritsker, J., & Ferguson, C. J. (2024). Resolving the Contradictory Conclusions from Three Reviews of Controlled Longitudinal Studies of Physical Punishment: A Meta-Analysis. Marriage & Family Review, 60(7), 395-433.

Leitenberg, H. (1965). Is time-out from positive reinforcement an aversive event? A review of the experimental evidence. Psychological Bulletin, 64(6), 428.

Lieneman, C. C., Girard, E. I., Quetsch, L. B., & McNeil, C. B. (2020). Emotion regulation and attrition in parent–child interaction therapy. Journal of child and family studies, 29, 978-996.

Morawska, A., & Sanders, M. (2011). Parental use of time out revisited: A useful or harmful parenting strategy? Journal of Child and Family Studies 20, 1-8.

Risley, T. R. (1968). The effects and side effects of punishing the autistic behaviors of a deviant child. Journal of applied behavior analysis, 1(1), 21-34.

Roberts, M. W. (1988). Enforcing chair timeouts with room timeouts. Behavior Modification, 12(3), 353-370.

Roberts, M. W. (1982). Resistance to timeout: Some normative data. Behavioral Assessment4, 239-246.

Roberts, S. (2021, June 3). Arthur Staats dies at 97; called ‘time out’ for unruly kids. The New York Times. Retrieved from: https://www.nytimes.com/2021/06/03/health/dr-arthur-staats-dead.html

Rubenstein, L., & Mourino, A. P. (1983). Time-out: an evaluation of a behavior management technique. Pediatr Dent, 5(2), 109-112.

Samra, A., Warburton, W. A., & Collins, A. M. (2022). Social comparisons: A potential mechanism linking problematic social media use with depression. Journal of Behavioral Addictions.

Sanders, M. R., Bor, W., & Morawska, A. (2007). Maintenance of treatment gains: a comparison of enhanced, standard, and self-directed Triple P-Positive Parenting Program. Journal of abnormal child psychology, 35, 983-998.

Siegel, D. (2014, October 29). You said WHAT about Time-Outs?! Dr. Dan Siegel. Retrieved from: https://drdansiegel.com/you-said-what-about-time-outs/

Spitalnik, R., & Drabman, R. (1976). A classroom timeout procedure for retarded children. Journal of Behavior Therapy and Experimental Psychiatry, 7(1), 17-21.

“The Colombo Family,” Supernanny. Season 7, Episode 9. Ricochet Television, 2011.

U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (n.d.). Essentials for parenting toddlers and preschoolers. Author. Retrieved from: https://www.cdc.gov/parenting-toddlers/about/index.html

U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (n.d.). Tips for Time Out. Author. Retrieved from: https://www.cdc.gov/parenting-toddlers/time-out/index.html

U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (n.d.). Treatment of ADHD. Author. Retrieved from: https://www.cdc.gov/adhd/treatment/?CDC_AAref_Val=https://www.cdc.gov/ncbddd/adhd/treatment.html

Vander Schaaf, S. (2019, March 9). The man who developed timeouts for kids now stands by his hotly-debated idea. Washington Post. Retrieved from: https://www.washingtonpost.com/national/health-science/the-man-who-developed-timeouts-for-kids-stands-by-his-now-hotly-debated-idea/2019/03/08/c169439e-3159-11e9-8ad3-9a5b113ecd3c_story.html

Webster-Stratton, C., Reid, M. J., & Hammond, M. (2004). Treating children with early-onset conduct problems: Intervention outcomes for parent, child, and teacher training. Journal of clinical child and adolescent psychology, 33(1), 105-124.

Weinberg, M. K., Beeghly, M., Olson, K. L., & Tronick, E. (2008). A still-face paradigm for young children: 2½ year-olds’ reactions to maternal unavailability during the still-face. The journal of developmental processes, 3(1), 4.

Willoughby, R. H. (1969). The effects of time-out from positive reinforcement on the operant behavior of preschool children. Journal of Experimental Child Psychology, 7(2), 299-313.

Willoughby, R. H. (1970). The influence of different response consequences on children’s preference for time-out. Journal of Experimental Child Psychology, 9(2), 133-141.

Wolf, M., Risley, T., & Mees, H. (1963). Application of operant conditioning procedures to the behaviour problems of an autistic child. Behaviour Research and Therapy, 1(2-4), 305-312.

Wolraich, M. L., Hagan, J. F., Allan, C., Chan, E., Davison, D., Earls, M., … & Zurhellen, W. (2019). Clinical practice guideline for the diagnosis, evaluation, and treatment of attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder in children and adolescents. Pediatrics, 144(4).

Xu, Jingyi, Lucy A. Tully, and Mark R. Dadds. “Generation time-out grows up: young adults’ reports about childhood time-out use and their mental health, attachment, and emotion regulation.” European Child & Adolescent Psychiatry (2024): 1-9.

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Time Outs: Helpful or harmful? Here’s what the research says

Pediatricians and researchers commonly recommend that parents use time outs when kids misbehave.  Time outs are promoted as an effective, evidence-based parenting strategy – although the real reason they’re so highly recommended is that they cause less damage to children than hitting.But if we’re already using respectful/gentle parenting strategies most of the time, could there be any benefit to adding time outs when our children don’t comply with more gentle methods?

This episode delves into the research on:

• Which children and families researchers think time outs are effective for(it’s not the same group of children who are usually study participants!);
• The precise time out script that has been shown to be effective(and why it works);
• Whether time outs harm children or not(this is one of the biggest controversies in the Gentle Parenting world)

If you’ve heard that time out is an effective strategy to gain children’s cooperation but weren’t sure whether it fits with your Gentle Parenting approach, this episode will help you to decide for yourself whether it’s a good fit for you and your family.

Taming Your Triggers 

If you see that your relationship with your child isn’t where you want it to be because you:

• Speak to them in a tone or using words that you would never let other people use with your child…
• Are rougher with their bodies than you know you should be when you feel frustrated…
• Feel guilt and/or shame about how they’re experiencing your words and actions, even though your intentions are never to hurt them…

…the Taming Your Triggers workshop will help you.

Click the banner to learn more!

Other episodes mentioned:

• Episode 231: How to support baby’s development after a Wonder Week
• Episode 230: Do all babies have Wonder Weeks? Here’s what the research says
• Episode 154: Authoritative is not the best parenting style
• Episode 148: Is spanking a child really so bad?
• Episode 072: Is the 30 Million Word Gap Real: Part II
• Episode 066: Is the 30 Million Word Gap real?

Jump to highlights:

00:03 Introduction

10:23 Historical context and research on timeouts

17:26 Critical analysis of timeout research

28:36 Effective implementation of timeouts

33:59 Challenges and limitations of timeouts

41:49 Jen’s personal experiences and emotional impact

49:29 Alternative perspectives and values

57:39 Conclusion and next steps

References:

Allen, K. D., & Warzak, W. J. (2000). The problem of parental nonadherence in clinical behavior analysis: Effective treatment is not enough. Journal of applied behavior analysis, 33(3), 373-391.

Bostow, D. E., & Bailey, J. B. (1969). Modification of severe disruptive and aggressive behavior using brief timeout and reinforcement procedures. Journal of Applied Behavior Analysis, 2(1), 31-37.

Brown, G. D., & Tyler Jr, V. O. (1968). Time out from reinforcement: A technique for dethroning the “duke” of an institutionalized delinquent group. Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry, 9(3‐4), 203-211.

Burchard, J. D., & Barrera, F. (1972). AN ANALYSIS OF TIMEOUT AND RESPONSE COST IN A PROGRAMMED ENVIRONMENT 1. Journal of applied behavior analysis, 5(3), 271-282.

Carraturo, F., Di Perna, T., Giannicola, V., Nacchia, M. A., Pepe, M., Muzii, B., … & Scandurra, C. (2023). Envy, social comparison, and depression on social networking sites: a systematic review. European Journal of Investigation in Health, Psychology and Education, 13(2), 364-376.

Corralejo, S. M., Jensen, S. A., Greathouse, A. D., & Ward, L. E. (2018). Parameters of time-out: Research update and comparison to parenting programs, books, and online recommendations. Behavior therapy, 49(1), 99-112.

Everett, G. E., Hupp, S. D., & Olmi, D. J. (2010). Time-out with parents: A descriptive analysis of 30 years of research. Education and Treatment of Children, 33(2), 235-259.

Kendall, S. B. (1965). Spontaneous recovery after extinction with periodic time-outs. Psychonomic Science, 2, 117-118.

Knight, R. M., Albright, J., Deling, L., Dore-Stites, D., & Drayton, A. K. (2020). Longitudinal relationship between time-out and child emotional and behavioral functioning. Journal of Developmental & Behavioral Pediatrics, 41(1), 31-37.

Larzelere, R. E., & Raumrind, D. (2010). Are spanking injunctions scientifically supported. Law & Contemp. Probs., 73, 57.

Larzelere, R. E., Gunnoe, M. L., Pritsker, J., & Ferguson, C. J. (2024). Resolving the Contradictory Conclusions from Three Reviews of Controlled Longitudinal Studies of Physical Punishment: A Meta-Analysis. Marriage & Family Review, 60(7), 395-433.

Leitenberg, H. (1965). Is time-out from positive reinforcement an aversive event? A review of the experimental evidence. Psychological Bulletin, 64(6), 428.

Lieneman, C. C., Girard, E. I., Quetsch, L. B., & McNeil, C. B. (2020). Emotion regulation and attrition in parent–child interaction therapy. Journal of child and family studies, 29, 978-996.

Morawska, A., & Sanders, M. (2011). Parental use of time out revisited: A useful or harmful parenting strategy? Journal of Child and Family Studies 20, 1-8.

Risley, T. R. (1968). The effects and side effects of punishing the autistic behaviors of a deviant child. Journal of applied behavior analysis, 1(1), 21-34.

Roberts, M. W. (1988). Enforcing chair timeouts with room timeouts. Behavior Modification, 12(3), 353-370.

Roberts, M. W. (1982). Resistance to timeout: Some normative data. Behavioral Assessment 4, 239-246.

Roberts, S. (2021, June 3). Arthur Staats dies at 97; called ‘time out’ for unruly kids. The New York Times. Retrieved from: https://www.nytimes.com/2021/06/03/health/dr-arthur-staats-dead.html

Rubenstein, L., & Mourino, A. P. (1983). Time-out: an evaluation of a behavior management technique. Pediatr Dent, 5(2), 109-112.

Samra, A., Warburton, W. A., & Collins, A. M. (2022). Social comparisons: A potential mechanism linking problematic social media use with depression. Journal of Behavioral Addictions.

Sanders, M. R., Bor, W., & Morawska, A. (2007). Maintenance of treatment gains: a comparison of enhanced, standard, and self-directed Triple P-Positive Parenting Program. Journal of abnormal child psychology, 35, 983-998.

Siegel, D. (2014, October 29). You said WHAT about Time-Outs?! Dr. Dan Siegel. Retrieved from: https://drdansiegel.com/you-said-what-about-time-outs/

Spitalnik, R., & Drabman, R. (1976). A classroom timeout procedure for retarded children. Journal of Behavior Therapy and Experimental Psychiatry, 7(1), 17-21.

“The Colombo Family,” Supernanny. Season 7, Episode 9. Ricochet Television, 2011.

U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (n.d.). Essentials for parenting toddlers and preschoolers. Author. Retrieved from: https://www.cdc.gov/parenting-toddlers/about/index.html

U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (n.d.). Tips for Time Out. Author. Retrieved from: https://www.cdc.gov/parenting-toddlers/time-out/index.html

U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (n.d.). Treatment of ADHD. Author. Retrieved from: https://www.cdc.gov/adhd/treatment/?CDC_AAref_Val=https://www.cdc.gov/ncbddd/adhd/treatment.html

Vander Schaaf, S. (2019, March 9). The man who developed timeouts for kids now stands by his hotly-debated idea. Washington Post. Retrieved from: https://www.washingtonpost.com/national/health-science/the-man-who-developed-timeouts-for-kids-stands-by-his-now-hotly-debated-idea/2019/03/08/c169439e-3159-11e9-8ad3-9a5b113ecd3c_story.html

Webster-Stratton, C., Reid, M. J., & Hammond, M. (2004). Treating children with early-onset conduct problems: Intervention outcomes for parent, child, and teacher training. Journal of clinical child and adolescent psychology, 33(1), 105-124.

Weinberg, M. K., Beeghly, M., Olson, K. L., & Tronick, E. (2008). A still-face paradigm for young children: 2½ year-olds’ reactions to maternal unavailability during the still-face. The journal of developmental processes, 3(1), 4.

Willoughby, R. H. (1969). The effects of time-out from positive reinforcement on the operant behavior of preschool children. Journal of Experimental Child Psychology, 7(2), 299-313.

Willoughby, R. H. (1970). The influence of different response consequences on children’s preference for time-out. Journal of Experimental Child Psychology, 9(2), 133-141.

Wolf, M., Risley, T., & Mees, H. (1963). Application of operant conditioning procedures to the behaviour problems of an autistic child. Behaviour Research and Therapy, 1(2-4), 305-312.

Wolraich, M. L., Hagan, J. F., Allan, C., Chan, E., Davison, D., Earls, M., … & Zurhellen, W. (2019). Clinical practice guideline for the diagnosis, evaluation, and treatment of attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder in children and adolescents. Pediatrics, 144(4).

Xu, Jingyi, Lucy A. Tully, and Mark R. Dadds. “Generation time-out grows up: young adults’ reports about childhood time-out use and their mental health, attachment, and emotion regulation.” European Child & Adolescent Psychiatry (2024): 1-9.

Finding this useful? Share with a friend!

Learn How To Navigate Menopause While Raising Kids

Today, we’re diving into a topic that many parents may face but rarely talk about openly: navigating menopause while raising young kids. If you’ve been wondering how to balance parenting with the changes menopause brings, this episode is for you.

In our first interview on Menstrual Cycle Awareness, we explored how menstruation impacts our lives. Today, we’re thrilled to welcome back our wonderful guests, Alexandra Pope and Sjanie Hugo Wurlitzer, for a second interview focusing on menopause. Alexandra Pope, Co-Founder of Red School and Co-Author of Wild Power and Wise Power, is a pioneer in menstruality education and awareness. With over 30 years of experience, Alexandra believes that each stage of the menstrual journey—from the first period to menopause and beyond—holds a unique power. Sjanie Hugo Wurlitzer, also Co-Founder of Red School and Co-Author of Wild Power and Wise Power, is a psychotherapist and menstrual cycle educator. She is passionate about helping people understand and honor their natural rhythms, using menstrual cycle awareness as a tool for self-care and empowerment.

In this conversation, they’ll share their insights on embracing menopause as a time of empowerment rather than something to simply endure. They introduce us to their concept of “Wild Power,” a strength that arises from understanding and honoring your body’s natural rhythms through every stage of life.

Why Menopause Matters in Parenting

When we have kids a bit on the ‘later’ side, we may find ourselves dealing with perimenopause – when our body prepares for menopause – as we’re raising young children. This experience can bring challenges, like feeling more tired or dealing with mood changes, but it also offers us new ways to grow and find our inner strength. Alexandra and Sjanie show us how we can be more understanding and open with ourselves and others as we go through this time of change.

What You’ll Learn in This Episode:

• What is Menopause? Alexandra and Sjanie explain what menopause and perimenopause are and how these natural changes affect us physically and emotionally;
• The Wild Power Within: Discover how your unique energy can be a guiding force in both your personal life and in parenting;
• Tools to Support Yourself: Simple ways to be kinder to yourself, balance rest with activity, and embrace each phase with a sense of discovery;
• Reconnecting with Yourself: Learn how you can stay grounded and connected to your inner self as you navigate the ups and downs of menopause.

Listen in to this powerful conversation that might just change the way you think about parenting—and about yourself.Alexandra and Sjanie’s books

(Affiliate Links):

• Wild power: Discover the magic of your menstrual cycle and awaken the feminine path to power
• Wise power: Discover the liberating power of menopause to awaken authority, purpose and belonging

• Other episodes mentioned:222: How to cultivate Menstrual Cycle Awareness
• 216: Am I in Perimenopause? with Dr. Louise Newson

Jump to highlights:

00:03 Introducing today’s episode and featured guests

00:52 Understanding menopause and it’s stages

03:02 Introduction to menopause terminology: perimenopause, menopause, post-menopause

05:34 Phases compared to seasons, each with unique emotional and psychological developments

06:44 Defining menopause and it’s psychological impact

08:51 Importance of self-care and preparation for menopause

09:59 “Quickening” phase introduces a creative energy shift

17:43 Navigating menopause as a parent

18:15 Challenges for parents in their 40s during menopause

21:00 Importance of self-acceptance, setting boundaries, and receiving partner support

24:44 Symptoms and self-care in menopause

34:29 Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT) and it’s implications

44:16 The role of the inner critic in menopause

54:18 Final thoughts and resources

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Understanding Emotions: Insights from Dr. Lisa Feldman Barrett

In our last conversation with Dr. Lisa Feldman Barrett [Where emotions come from (and why it matters) Part 1] a couple of weeks ago we looked at her theory of where emotions originate. This has important implications for things like:

• How our ‘body budgets’ affect our feelings
• How we make meaning from our feelings so our internal experience makes sense
• That we don’t always understand other people’s feelings very well!

The introduction to the theory plus the conversation plus the take-home messages would have made for an unwieldy episode, so I split it in half.

Today we conclude the conversation with Dr. Barrett and I also offer some thoughts about things I think are really important from across the two episodes, including:

• What we can do with the information our feelings give us
• How long we should support children in feeling their feelings (given that they don’t always mean what we think they mean!) and when we should help them move on
• Some tools we can use to re-regulate in difficult moments with our kids

Ready to break free from the cycle of triggered reactions and conflict in your parenting journey?

If you want to:

😟 Be triggered less often by your child’s behavior,

😐 React from a place of compassion and empathy instead of anger and frustration,

😊 Respond to your child from a place that’s aligned with your values rather than reacting in the heat of the moment,

the Taming Your Triggers workshop will help you make this shift.

Join us to transform conflict into connection and reclaim peace in your parenting journey.

Click the banner to learn more!

Dr. Lisa Feldman Barrett’s Books (Affiliate Links)

• How Emotions are Made: The Secret Life of the Brain
• Seven and a Half Lessons About the Brain

Other episode mentioned:

• 129: The physical reasons you yell at your kids

Jump to highlights

00:59 Introducing today’s episode and featured guests

05:01 People in chaotic or uncertain situations, like poverty or neurodivergence, face greater challenges due to the increased stress on their body budgets.

18:02 Understanding and managing personal needs as a parent, along with emotional flexibility, can lead to more effective responses to children.

23:46 Parents need to balance their own feelings with their children’s by asking if their kids want empathy or help. They should remember that every interaction is a chance to teach kids how to manage their emotions.

31:07 Parents can view their empathy for their children as a sign of competence, balancing their own needs with their child’s emotions.

34:22 Jen draws conclusions from Dr. Lisa Feldman Barrett’s research on emotions, highlighting how parents can use this understanding to empower their children in navigating feelings and enhancing emotional literacy.

References

Barrett, L. F., Adolphs, R., Marsella, S., Martinez, A. M., & Pollak, S. D. (2019). Emotional expressions reconsidered: Challenges to inferring emotion from human facial movements. Psychological Science in the Public Interest, 20, 1–68.

Barrett, L.F. (2012). Emotions are real. Emotion 12(3), 413-429.

Barrett, L.F., Gross, J., Christensen, T.C., & Benvenuto, M. (2001). Knowing what you’re feeling and knowing what to do about it: Mapping the relation between emotion differentiation and emotion regulation. Cognition and Emotion 15(6), 713-724.

Eisenberger, N.I. (2012). The pain of social disconnection: Examining the shared neural underpinnings of physical and social pain. Nature Reviews: Neuroscience 13, 421-434.

Fischer, S. (July 2013). About Face. Boston Magazine, 68-73.

Gee, D. G., Gabard-Durnam, L., Telzer, E. H., Humphreys, K. L., Goff, B., Shapiro, M., … & Tottenham, N. (2014). Maternal buffering of human amygdala-prefrontal circuitry during childhood but not during adolescence. Psychological Science, 25(11), 2067-2078.

Gopnik, A., & Sobel, D. M. (2000). Detecting blickets: How young children use information about novel causal powers in categorization and induction. Child Development, 71(5), 1205-1222.

Gross, J.J., & Barrett, L.F. (2011). Emotion generation and emotion regulation: One or two depends on your point of view. Emotion Review 3(1), 8-16.

Haidt, J., & Keltner, D. (1999). Culture and facial expression: Open-ended methods find more expressions and a gradient of recognition. Cognition & Emotion, 13, 225–266.

Hoemann, K., Gendron, M., Crittenden, A.N., Mangola, S.M., Endeko, E.S., Dussault, E., Barrett, L.F., & Mesquita, B. (2023). What we can learn about emotion by talking with the Hadza. Perspectives on Psychological Science 19(1), 173-200.

Hoemann, K., Gendron, M., & Barrett, L.F. (2022). Assessing the power of words to facilitate emotion category learning. Affective Science 3, 69-80.

Hoemann, K., Khan, Z., Kamona, N., Dy, J., Barrett, L.F., & Quigley, K.S. (2020). Investigating the relationship between emotional granularity and cardiorespiratory physiological activity in daily life. Psychophysiology 58(6), e13818.

Killingsworth, M.A., & Gilbert, D.T. (2010). A wandering mind is an unhappy mind. Science 330, 932.

Lindquist, K.A., Wager, T.D., Kober, H., Bliss-Moreau, E., & Barrett, L.F. (2012). The brain basis of emotion: A meta-analytic review. Behavioral and Brain Sciences 35(3), 121-143.

Pratt, M., Singer, M., Kanat-Maymon, Y., & Feldman, R. (2015). Infant negative reactivity defines the effects of parent–child synchrony on physiological and behavioral regulation of social stress. Development and Psychopathology, 27(4pt1), 1191-1204.

Theriault, J.E., Young, L., & Barrett, L.F. (2021). Situating and extending the sense of should: Reply to comments on “The sense of should: A biologically-based framework for modeling social pressure.” Physics of Life Reviews 37, 10-16.

Theriault, J.E., Young, L., & Barrett, L.F. (2021). The sense of should: A biologically-based framework for modeling social pressure. Physics of Life Reviews 36, 100-136.

Tugade, M.M., Fredrickson, B.L., & Barrett, L.F. (2004). Psychological resilience and positive emotional granularity: Examining the benefits of positive emotions on coping and health. Journal of Personality 72(1), 1161-1190.

Waters, S. F., West, T. V., & Mendes, W. B. (2014). Stress contagion: Physiological covariation between mothers and infants. Psychological science, 25(4), 934-942.

Wilson-Mendenhall, C.D., Barrett, L.F., & Barsalou, L.W. (2013). Situating emotional experience. Frontiers in Human Neuroscience 7, 764.

Xu, F., Cote, M., & Baker, A. (2005). Labeling guides object individuation in 12 month old infants. Psychological Science 16(5), 372-377.

Finding this useful? Share with a friend!

Understanding Emotions: Insights from Dr. Lisa Feldman Barrett

Have you ever wondered where our emotions come from?

Do you think that if you look at a person’s face, you can have a pretty good idea of how they’re feeling?

But at the same time, do your child’s feelings seem mysterious to you, like you can’t figure them out?

Listener Akiko introduced me to Dr. Lisa Feldman Barrett’s theory of where our emotions come from, and I found it fascinating. It presents compelling evidence that the ways we’ve thought about emotions up to now may be entirely wrong.

We might think we can match a specific arrangement of facial features (like a scowl) with a particular emotion (like anger), but not everyone scowls when they’re angry and people also scowl when they aren’t angry.

We tend to infer characteristics about our child from things like their tone, so we might hear a ‘snarky’ tone and think: “My child doesn’t respect me,” when actually they’re feeling hurt because their need for consideration hasn’t been met.

And sometimes there isn’t a deep psychological reason why they’re having big emotions…sometimes it’s a challenge in balancing what Dr. Barrett calls their ‘body budget’ (and some of our big emotions come from challenges in balancing our body budgets as well).

Dr. Barrett is the author of over 275 peer-reviewed articles on the topic of emotions and is among the top 0.1% of cited scientists in the world, so it was a real honor to speak with her about how our emotions are made…and what this means for:

• How we make meaning out of our emotions (which is critical to understanding the trauma we’ve experienced)
• How we talk with kids about emotions (“You hit Johnny and now he’s feeling sad” might not be the best way to do this);
• What to do with big emotional expressions that seem to ‘come out of nowhere’ – which actually happens fairly rarely.

This episode opens with me defining Dr. Barrett’s theory of emotions so we didn’t have to waste 20 minutes of our precious hour together to do that. I also wanted to share my thoughts on the implications of these ideas for our families and the episode would have been too long so I split it in half. In this episode you’ll hear the introduction to the theory, half of the conversation with Dr. Barrett, and my thoughts on what we’ve heard so far.

In an upcoming episode we’ll hear the second half of the interview as well as my overarching take-aways from across the two episodes.

And just a reminder that if you’re having your own big emotional reactions in response to your child’s difficult (but age-appropriate) behavior, there are real reasons for that.

We discuss meaning-making in the conversation with Dr. Barrett: in the Taming Your Triggers, we focus heavily on making meaning out of your experience. Whether you’ve experienced trauma and need help seeing the connections between your experiences and your triggered feelings towards your children, or if you need help with your body budgeting today, in Taming Your Triggers we’ll help you to:

• Feel triggered less often;
• Find ways to meet your needs – and your child’s needs – on a much more regular basis;
• Learn how to repair effectively with your child on the (far fewer!) occasions when things didn’t go the way you would have hoped.

Click the banner to learn more!

Dr. Lisa Feldman Barrett’s book (Affiliate Links)

• How Emotions Are Made
• Seven and a Half Lessons About the Brain

Jump to highlights

00:53 Introducing today’s topic and guests

04:16 Studies show that facial expressions don’t always show how a person is truly feeling.

09:02 Dr. Paul Ekman’s research suggested universal emotions, but later studies show emotions are influenced by learned concepts and vary across cultures.

15:56 Dr. Lisa Feldman Barrett shares that while some scientists resist the idea of emotions being constructed, many people find it intuitive.

19:56 Dr. Barrett emphasizes that parents can guide children in understanding emotions by thoughtfully choosing words, which help kids interpret their body signals and shape their emotional experiences

29:02 Physical expressions don’t directly correlate with emotions, making it essential to consider context when interpreting feelings.

37:16Sometimes, parents think their child is being disrespectful when they are just having a tough day. Instead of jumping to conclusions, it’s better to be curious about how others feel.

43:24Jen’s key takeaways from the conversation

References

Barrett, L. F., Adolphs, R., Marsella, S., Martinez, A. M., & Pollak, S. D. (2019). Emotional expressions reconsidered: Challenges to inferring emotion from human facial movements. Psychological Science in the Public Interest, 20, 1–68.

Barrett, L.F. (2012). Emotions are real. Emotion 12(3), 413-429.

Barrett, L.F., Gross, J., Christensen, T.C., & Benvenuto, M. (2001). Knowing what you’re feeling and knowing what to do about it: Mapping the relation between emotion differentiation and emotion regulation. Cognition and Emotion 15(6), 713-724.

Eisenberger, N.I. (2012). The pain of social disconnection: Examining the shared neural underpinnings of physical and social pain. Nature Reviews: Neuroscience 13, 421-434.

Fischer, S. (July 2013). About Face. Boston Magazine, 68-73.

Gee, D. G., Gabard-Durnam, L., Telzer, E. H., Humphreys, K. L., Goff, B., Shapiro, M., … & Tottenham, N. (2014). Maternal buffering of human amygdala-prefrontal circuitry during childhood but not during adolescence. Psychological Science, 25(11), 2067-2078.

Gopnik, A., & Sobel, D. M. (2000). Detecting blickets: How young children use information about novel causal powers in categorization and induction. Child Development, 71(5), 1205-1222.

Gross, J.J., & Barrett, L.F. (2011). Emotion generation and emotion regulation: One or two depends on your point of view. Emotion Review 3(1), 8-16.

Haidt, J., & Keltner, D. (1999). Culture and facial expression: Open-ended methods find more expressions and a gradient of recognition. Cognition & Emotion, 13, 225–266.

Hoemann, K., Gendron, M., Crittenden, A.N., Mangola, S.M., Endeko, E.S., Dussault, E., Barrett, L.F., & Mesquita, B. (2023). What we can learn about emotion by talking with the Hadza. Perspectives on Psychological Science 19(1), 173-200.

Hoemann, K., Gendron, M., & Barrett, L.F. (2022). Assessing the power of words to facilitate emotion category learning. Affective Science 3, 69-80.

Hoemann, K., Khan, Z., Kamona, N., Dy, J., Barrett, L.F., & Quigley, K.S. (2020). Investigating the relationship between emotional granularity and cardiorespiratory physiological activity in daily life. Psychophysiology 58(6), e13818.

Killingsworth, M.A., & Gilbert, D.T. (2010). A wandering mind is an unhappy mind. Science 330, 932.

Lindquist, K.A., Wager, T.D., Kober, H., Bliss-Moreau, E., & Barrett, L.F. (2012). The brain basis of emotion: A meta-analytic review. Behavioral and Brain Sciences 35(3), 121-143.

Pratt, M., Singer, M., Kanat-Maymon, Y., & Feldman, R. (2015). Infant negative reactivity defines the effects of parent–child synchrony on physiological and behavioral regulation of social stress. Development and Psychopathology, 27(4pt1), 1191-1204.

Theriault, J.E., Young, L., & Barrett, L.F. (2021). Situating and extending the sense of should: Reply to comments on “The sense of should: A biologically-based framework for modeling social pressure.” Physics of Life Reviews 37, 10-16.

Theriault, J.E., Young, L., & Barrett, L.F. (2021). The sense of should: A biologically-based framework for modeling social pressure. Physics of Life Reviews 36, 100-136.

Tugade, M.M., Fredrickson, B.L., & Barrett, L.F. (2004). Psychological resilience and positive emotional granularity: Examining the benefits of positive emotions on coping and health. Journal of Personality 72(6), 1161-1190.

Waters, S. F., West, T. V., & Mendes, W. B. (2014). Stress contagion: Physiological covariation between mothers and infants. Psychological science, 25(4), 934-942.

Wilson-Mendenhall, C.D., Barrett, L.F., & Barsalou, L.W. (2013). Situating emotional experience. Frontiers in Human Neuroscience 7, 764.

Xu, F., Cote, M., & Baker, A. (2005). Labeling guides object individuation in 12-month-old infants. Psychological Science 16(5), 372-377.

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Learn ways how to overcome parenting triggers

I know it can be really (really) difficult to bridge the gap between being the kind of parent we want to be, and the kind of parent we’re able to be in the moments when our kids do things we find difficult.

We might know that we want our kids to receive a message of unconditional love and acceptance, but when they do something like hitting their sibling and we respond: “Why would you DO that?!”, or handle them roughly, or even spank them, that the message they are receiving may not be one of unconditional love and acceptance.

Parent Jody joined the Parenting Membership and in the moments when he was able to stay regulated, the new tools helped him to navigate his kids’ behavior more effectively. But when he got triggered by something like sibling hitting (because seeing a child get hit is triggering when you were hit as a child), then he would default back to what he called “autopilot parenting,” and he would yell at his kids, shame them, and spank them – just like his parents had done to him.

So he signed up for the Taming Your Triggers workshop, and in just a few weeks, Jody started to share his ‘wins.’

🚗 There was the time he was able to create a pause when his kids started fighting in the back seat instead of exploding at them.

🛁 He was able to identify his needs, and his children’s needs when they were throwing water out of the bath all over the floor, and find a strategy that met both of their needs.

🧸 And then there was the time when his son had smuggled four of his bedtime toys under his school uniform to the car, and Jody immediately saw that his wife was having a hard time because she didn’t want the toys to be dirty, and she also didn’t want the bedtime shit-show that was going to happen if the toys were still in the wash.

His initial attempt to help his wife fell flat, and she angrily said: “Don’t talk to me like a child!”. He regrouped, and the phrase he used to defuse the situation deeply touched many of us in the Taming Your Triggers community when he shared it with us. He found a way to meet THREE people’s needs in that situation, and was justifiably proud of himself. 🎉

If you want your kids to experience unconditional love and acceptance but you don’t know how to make that happen in the difficult moments, I’d so love to work with you in the Taming Your Triggers workshop.

I know it’s risky to put yourself out there and admit that you’re having a hard time.

There’s always the concern that these tools might work for Jody, and still not work for you – you might have some failing that means you can’t use the tools, even if they work for other parents.

You might also worry that the tools won’t work for your neurodivergent/sensitive/etc. kid.

I totally get those concerns. And…at the end of the day, we’re all people – and all people have needs. I can help you heal from the hurts you’ve experienced and get your needs met more of the time, and then you’ll feel triggered less often. I’m so confident about this that I guarantee it – if you aren’t happy with your experience in the workshop for any reason, at any time, we’ll give you 100% of your money back. (Plus we have multiple pricing options to make it affordable in the first place).

🎁 And as an extra bonus for you: Jody will be a peer coach in the Taming Your Triggers workshop this time around – because sometimes the person you learn from most effectively is the person who was standing where you are right now just a year ago.

Ready to break free from the cycle of triggered reactions and conflict in your parenting journey?

If you want to:

😟 Be triggered less often by your child’s behavior,

😐 React from a place of compassion and empathy instead of anger and frustration,

😊 Respond to your child from a place that’s aligned with your values rather than reacting in the heat of the moment,

the Taming Your Triggers workshop will help you make this shift.

Join us to transform conflict into connection and reclaim peace in your parenting journey.

Click the banner to learn more!

Jump to highlights

00:45  Introducing today’s guest

01:28. Jody shifted from “Always tired” to “Actively seeking rest” after years of exhaustion from raising four kids and realizing the need to prioritize rest.

02:52. Jody realized his strict upbringing influenced his parenting, but the Your Parenting Mojo podcast helped him recognize the need for change.

05:38. Jody joined the Parenting Membership seeking easier parenting solutions, but after struggling with triggers and reverting to old habits, he realized he needed Taming Your Triggers to better manage his own emotions.

09:22  Jody describes a breakthrough from the Taming Your Triggers course, where he learned to pause during a tense moment with his kids, choosing calm over impulsive reaction.

23:47. Jody views parenting as part of his identity, not a job, allowing him to connect with his kids while fulfilling his own needs.30:00 Jody appreciated the AccountaBuddy process for its non-judgmental space to discuss parenting challenges, which fostered connection and emotional relief.

33:38. Jody describes how the Taming Your Triggers workshop enabled him to shift from seeking forgiveness to accepting his parents as they are, leading to a more peaceful family dynamic during a visit.

44:59. Jody shares three simple practices for managing triggers.

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Today’s episode comes from listener who submitted an emotional voicemail on the Ask Jen a Question button on the Your Parenting Mojo homepage, which boils down to:

Am I damaging my child?

The messages you can leave are limited to two minutes in length, so we get just a taste of what the parent is struggling with: a difficult relationship with their neurodivergent son, because he triggers the parent and then the parent feels triggered again by the guilt and shame that some of the challenges the son is facing might be the parent’s fault.

In this episode I walk though neuropsychologist R. Douglas Fields’ LIFEMORTS framework of rage triggers – because if we understand the kinds of things that trigger us, we can avoid some of those triggers entirely and then see the rest of them coming and resource ourselves before they arrive.

I link these rage triggers with broader social issues that we may be carrying in the backs of our minds without even realizing it, and the energy it takes to constantly manage our thoughts about these issues is energy we don’t have to spend meeting our children’s needs – or our needs.

I also offer a set of three steps you can use to help you navigate triggering situations with your children more effectively.

Ready to break free from the cycle of triggered reactions and conflict in your parenting journey?

If you want to:

😟 Be triggered less often by your child’s behavior,

😐 React from a place of compassion and empathy instead of anger and frustration,

😊 Respond to your child from a place that’s aligned with your values rather than reacting in the heat of the moment,

the Taming Your Triggers workshop will help you make this shift.

Join us to transform conflict into connection and reclaim peace in your parenting journey.

Click the banner to learn more!

Other episodes mentioned:

• 207: How to not be a permissive parent
• 224: How to heal your Mom Rage (coming up)

Jump to highlights

00:58 Introducing today’s topic

01:17 Listener recorded question

02:55 Jen empathizes with the parent’s stress and dual triggers of misbehavior and self-judgment, acknowledges potential trauma or neurodivergence, validates their experience.

18:26 Understand your triggers by exploring nine categories (LIFEMORTS): life or limb, insult, family, environment, mate, order in society, resources, tribe, and stopped, as outlined by Dr. R. Douglas Fields.

34:02 Mom rage, deeply intertwined with systemic gender and racial inequalities, reflects broader societal issues and significantly impacts women’s health and parenting.

46:06 Intergenerational trauma affects all communities, passing down violence and its impacts through generations.

46:55 Three ways to support parents dealing with their own trauma and its impact on their children.

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Finding this useful? Share with a friend!

Thanks to those of you who completed the recent survey on how I can serve you better, some changes are coming to the YPM world!  While most respondents said they loved the length of the episodes because they appreciate how much detail we can get into in that time, a number of people said they had trouble finding the time to listen to longer episodes, as well as share them with others.

Our long episodes aren’t going anywhere; I love being able to truly understand an issue and have deep conversations with experts. But I hear you that it can be hard to find an hour to listen! That’s why I’m going to start creating summary episodes. This first one summarizes the last two episodes on the topic of video games – both the conversation with @TheGamerEducator Ash Brandin, and my narrated episode on what children learn from video games.

You’ll get my take-home ideas from both episodes in less than 12 minutes! If you’re starting to see the deep learning that children are doing while they’re playing video games and want to support them in having more of these kinds of experiences…but without using screens all the time, the Learning Membership will help you.

The membership helps you to support your child’s intrinsic love of learning, while also equipping them with the skills they’ll need to succeed in the age of AI.

You’ll learn how to see and follow your child’s interests so you can support them in deep inquiries.  You won’t have to drag them through it like you would a workbook or a curriculum (so no need to reward them with screen time!) because they will WANT to learn. They’ll be excited to do it, and they’ll bring you along for the ride.

Ready to transform how you support your child’s curiosity?

While we’re all trying to figure out what’s really behind rising teen anxiety and whether phones are the problem, there’s something we can do right now that helps nurture our children’s natural curiosity and intrinsic motivation to learn.

The You Are Your Child’s Best Teacher masterclass shows you how to do exactly that without adding pressure or creating elaborate activities that exhaust you.

When children feel competent and engaged in learning that matters to them, they develop resilience that serves them well, whether they’re facing social media pressures, academic stress, or the general challenges of growing up in today’s world.

Click the banner to learn more!

Jump to highlights

01:26 Introducing today’s episode

02:06 Balancing kids’ screen time is a gradual process of sharing responsibility and making adjustments based on their abilities.

03:35 Children are drawn to video games because they meet needs for competence, autonomy, and relatedness.

03:54 There is no strong evidence that video games cause violence.

05:27 Children can learn about cultural issues like misogyny and violence from video games and other media.

07:19 Video games allow children to actively engage in learning by exploring unique systems and strategies, similar to real scientific thinking.

08:41 Children develop creativity and persistence through video games.

09:18 Invitation to the free You Are Your Child’s Best Teacher workshop

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How Video Games Shape Learning and Children’s Development

Last week, parent Nicole and I talked with @TheGamerEducator Ash Brandin about the challenges we can have when our kids love video games.

I had also hoped to ask Ash a lot of questions about what children learn from video games but we completely ran out of time, so I spent a fun day reading 10 books on the topic at the University of New Mexico library (non-students can’t check out books!).

I wanted to know a lot more about:

• Why do children find video games so attractive?  And can we use that information to make the transitions away from screen time easier – as well as support their off-screen learning?
• Even if video games don’t lead children to violence, are they picking up ideas that aren’t aligned with our values?
• What useful skills are our children learning from video games, and how is this different from school-based learning?

Ready to transform how you support your child’s curiosity?

While we’re all trying to figure out what’s really behind rising teen anxiety and whether phones are the problem, there’s something we can do right now that helps nurture our children’s natural curiosity and intrinsic motivation to learn.

The You Are Your Child’s Best Teacher masterclass shows you how to do exactly that without adding pressure or creating elaborate activities that exhaust you.

When children feel competent and engaged in learning that matters to them, they develop resilience that serves them well, whether they’re facing social media pressures, academic stress, or the general challenges of growing up in today’s world.

Click the banner to learn more!

Jump to highlights

00:45 Introduction to today’s episode

04:13 Children are drawn to video games because they fulfill their needs for independence, skill-building, and connection.

13:00 Children learn about gender roles and social behaviors from video games, which reflect societal misogyny and violence.

28:55 Video games foster active learning through problem-solving and experimentation. By connecting gaming identities to real-world learning, children can enhance their educational experiences.

40:00 Children learn best when they are engaged in activities they care about, and the You Are Your Child’s Best Teacher workshop will help parents recognize and support this learning.

50:01Wrapping up

References

Benedetti, W. (2012, July 12). Anti-bigotry gaming site hacked, defaced by bigots. NBC News. Retrieved from: https://www.nbcnews.com/tech/tech-news/anti-bigotry-gaming-site-hacked-defaced-bigots-flna910262

Brown, H.J. (2008). Videogames and education. Armonk, NY: M.E. Sharpe.

Condis, M. (2018). Gaming masculinity: Trolls, fake geeks & the gendered battle for online culture. Iowa City: University of Iowa Press.

Gee, J.P. (2007). What video games have to teach us about learning and literacy. New York: Palgrave

Gee, J.P. (2007). Good video games + good learning: Collected essays on video games, learning and literacy. New York: Peter Lang

Gillin, L.E., & Signorella, M.L. (2023). Attitudes toward sexual orientation and gender identity in online multiplayer gaming spaces. Psychological Reports, 00332941231153798.

O’Leary, A. (2012, August 1). In virtual play, sex harassment is all too real. The New York Times. Retrieved from: https://www.nytimes.com/2012/08/02/us/sexual-harassment-in-online-gaming-stirs-anger.html

Rigby, S., & Ryan, R.M. (2011). Glued to games: How video games draw us in and hold us spellbound. Santa Barbara: Praeger.

Richard, G.T. (2017). “Play it like a girl”: Gender expression, sexual identity, and complex expectations in a female-oriented gaming community. In B. Ruberg & A. Shaw (Eds.), Queer Game Studies (p.163-177). Minneapolis: University of Minnesota Press.

Schaffer, D., & Loparo, K.A. (2007). How computer games help children learn. Palgrave Macmillan.

Self-Determination Theory (2024). Theory. Author. Retrieved from: https://selfdeterminationtheory.org/theory/

Sliwinski, A. (2007, February 26). Gay gamer survey results with large hetero inclusion. Engadget. Retrieved from: https://www.engadget.com/2007-02-26-gay-gamer-survey-results-with-large-hetero-inclusion.html

Suellentrop, C. (2013, December 13). In the footsteps of Lara Croft. The New York Times. Retrieved from: https://www.nytimes.com/2013/12/15/arts/video-games/chris-suellentrop-on-the-year-in-video-games.html

Yunkaporta, T. (2021). Sand talk: How indigenous thinking can save the world. New York: HarperCollins.

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Why Video Games Aren’t as Harmful as You Think for Kids

Video games can be tough.

Our kids enjoy them so much…but can’t tear their eyes away from them when time’s up without a meltdown.

Some games, like Fortnite and Roblox, can be really violent, and aren’t our kids learning bad messages when they play?

Plus even if they aren’t playing something violent, they aren’t really learning anything beneficial, right?

In this episode with @TheGamerEducator Ash Brandin and co-interviewer parent Nicole, we talk about common struggles parents have with kids who are playing games, including:

• How to address dysregulation at the end of screen time
• How to ‘scaffold’ the child’s ability to manage their own screen time
• The links between screen time and intrinsic motivation
• Why we can feel OK using screen time to give ourselves a break
• How to model appropriate screen time use in front of our children

Ready to transform how you support your child’s curiosity?

While we’re all trying to figure out what’s really behind rising teen anxiety and whether phones are the problem, there’s something we can do right now that helps nurture our children’s natural curiosity and intrinsic motivation to learn.

The You Are Your Child’s Best Teacher masterclass shows you how to do exactly that without adding pressure or creating elaborate activities that exhaust you.

When children feel competent and engaged in learning that matters to them, they develop resilience that serves them well, whether they’re facing social media pressures, academic stress, or the general challenges of growing up in today’s world.

Click the banner to learn more!

Jump to highlights

01:50 Introducing the topic and guests for this episode

03:17 Moderate video game use generally has neutral or positive effects, contrary to earlier studies linking it to aggression.

07:02 Many studies linking video games to aggression overlook confounding factors like socioeconomic status, trauma, and family dynamics.

10:27 Research on violent video games shows mixed results, with any negative effects often being minor and context-specific. It’s important to consider individual responses when assessing impact.

27:47 Effective screen time management involves setting limits, encouraging self-regulation, and gradually shifting responsibility to children while providing support.

42:33 Balancing gaming limits requires adjusting based on family needs and the child’s ability to self-regulate, with ongoing assessment and adjustment.

47:12Guilt about screen time often stems from concerns about not using time productively. It’s important to recognize that screens can benefit the whole family, allowing parents to manage tasks and take necessary breaks.

54:24Gaming meets psychological needs like competence and autonomy, which doesn’t diminish intrinsic motivation for other activities.

01:01:48Model balanced screen use by explaining your tech use and setting clear limits. Show how screens help with tasks and emotions, and involve your kids in transitions.

01:08:51Wrapping up the discussion

References

Boxer, P., Groves, C.L., & Docherty, M. (2015). Video games do indeed influence children and adolescents’ aggression, prosocial behavior, and academic performance: A clearer reading of Ferguson (2015). Perspectives on Psychological Science 10(5), 671-673.

Ferguson, C.J. (2008). The school shooting/violent video game link: Causal relationship or moral panic? Journal of Investigative Psychology and Offender Profiling 5, 25-37.

Ferguson, C.J. (2015). Do angry birds make for angry children? A meta-analysis of video game influences on children’s and adolescents’ aggression, mental health, prosocial behavior, and academic performance. Perspectives on Psychological Science 10(5), 646-666.

Ferguson, C.J., & Kilburn, J. (2010). Much ado about nothing: The misestimation and overinterpretation of violent video game effects in eastern and western nations: Comment on Anderson et al. (2010). Psychological Bulletin 136(2), 174-178.

He, F., Qi, Y., Zhou, Y., Cao, A., Yue, X., Fang, S., & Zheng, Y. (2023). Meta-analysis of the efficacy of digital therapies in children with attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder. Frontiers in Psychiatry 14, 1054831.

Johannes, N., Vuorre, M., & Przybylski, A.K. (2021). Video game play is positively correlated with well-being. Royal Society Open Science 8, 202049.

Kollins, S.H., Childress, A., Heusser, A.C., & Lutz, J. (2021). Effectiveness of a digital therapeutic as adjunct to treatment with medication in pediatric ADHD. NPJ Digital Medicine 4(1), 58.

Prensky, M. (2006). Don’t bother me, Mom – I’m learning!. St. Paul, MN: Paragon House.

Zendle, D., Flick, C., Gordon-Petrovskaya, E., Ballou, N., Ziao, L.Y., & Drachen, A. (2023). No evidence that Chinese playtime mandates reduced heavy gaming in one segment of the video games industry. Nature Human Behavior 7, 1753-1766.

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Discover insights on why no one will play with your child and explore effective strategies for building social skills in children

Does your child have big emotional blow-ups in social situations?

Are they a wallflower who doesn’t know how to make friends?

Do they struggle to understand when it’s appropriate to interrupt, tell the truth, and follow the rules vs. let things go.

I’ve been interested in neurodivergence for a while – I’m hoping to do an episode soon on parenting with ADHD, and in the course of research for that a parent in the Parenting Membership recommended the book Why Will No-One Play With Me.

The book is designed to help parents teach their children social skills – and I do think it has some useful ideas in it, but there are some pretty big caveats.

This episode takes a look at the broader set of research on teaching children social skills to ask whether we CAN do it, and if we can, whether we SHOULD do it, and if we should, what kinds of tools should we use? The popular Social Stories method? Role plays? Peer coaching?

This episode answers questions like:

• What types of teaching are likely to be beneficial?
• How can we teach social skills to Autistic children and children with ADHD, as well as neurotypical children?
• What are the potential later-life impacts of lagging social skills (and do what we miss when we look at it from this perspective)?
• At what age range is teaching social skills is most likely to succeed?
• How can we knowwhetherwe should teach a child social skills?

Other episodes mentioned:

• 175: I’ll be me; can you be you?
• 075: Should we Go Ahead and Heap Rewards On Our Kid?
• 061: Can Growth Mindset live up to the hype?

Jump to highlights:

00:52 Introducing the topic for this episode

02:59 Social skills programs show small, temporary effects and are more effective when led by experts, with mixed results for neurodivergent children.

09:38 Programs to teach social skills often try to change how neurodivergent kids act and they don’t always work well.

24:01 Dr. Carol Gray’s Social Stories ™ help children, especially those with autism, understand social situations without directly aiming to change their behavior.

28:59 Terra Vance’s adaptations of Social Stories ™ highlight how they sometimes fail to address children’s real experiences and emotions.

33:28 Research on parent-led interventions for children with ADHD and autism vary in effectiveness.

43:24 The book “Why Will No One Play With Me” doesn’t provide specific references to support its ideas, making it unclear if they’re based on research or opinion.

46:30 Teaching social skills includes managing emotions, understanding social norms, and practicing simulations for better responses.

50:49 The “Play Better Bridge to Betterment” model in Why Will No One Play With Me categorizes children’s readiness for change into stages: pre-contemplation, contemplation, preparation, action, and maintenance. It emphasizes that children may need support to recognize and modify behaviors.

53:10 Caroline Maguire’s approach in “Why Will No One Play With Me” mirrors problem-solving methods, yet it prioritizes a reward system over understanding children’s underlying needs.

55:02 Maguire’s method in “Why Will No One Play With Me” uses rewards to shape children’s behavior, raising concerns about parental control and consent in interactions with their children.

56:46 Maguire’s book concludes with exercises aimed at understanding social interactions and unspoken rules, but it raises concerns about imposing norms without considering individual needs and communication styles.

01:02:41 Maguire’s book discusses challenges with school communication norms favoring concise storytelling, which often align with White communication styles.

01:06:11 Social skills training often overlooks children’s consent and preferences, focusing instead on adult-determined goals, which may affect trust and authenticity in social interactions.

References

Autistically Alex (2019, April 1). Autism Speaks… Blog post. Author. Retrieved from: https://autisticallyalex.com/2019/04/01/autisticorganizations/?fbclid=IwZXh0bgNhZW0CMTEAAR10yNr3UglHOUWRGWJMfp_uMpyxpfAtXMw99wSyTgMg8BvBmFSoaPko7iE_aem_AU39ONZlb1_LzKuEMMXqgiicT3Vb-tICXVSQowCO3RsQvHAmymztsPxNO0P7mN8voYq6oFbq5Ji0aN19xc6ddW0Z

Beelmann, A., & Losel, F. (2021). A comprehensive meta-analysis of randomized evaluations of the effect of child social skills training on antisocial development. Journal of Developmental and Life-Course Criminology (7), 41-65.

Capodeci, A., Rivetti, T., & Cornoldi, C. (2019). A cooperative learning classroom intervention for increasing peers’ acceptance of children with ADHD. Journal of Attention Disorders 23(3), 282-292.

Chan, J., Lang, R., Rispoli, M., O’Reilly, M., Sigafoos, J., & Cole, H. (2009). Use of peer-mediated interventions in the treatment of autism spectrum disorders: A systematic review. Research in Autism Spectrum Disorders 3(4), 876-889.

de Mooij, B., Fekkes, M., Scholte, R.H.J., & Overbeek, G. (2020). Effective components of social skills training programs for children and adolescents in nonclinical samples: A multilevel meta-analysis. Clinical Child and Family Psychology Review 23: 250-264.sorder. Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders 42, 1895-1905.

Dekker, V., Nauta, M. H., Timmerman, M. E., Mulder, E. J., van der Veen-Mulders, L., van den Hoofdakker, B. J., … & de Bildt, A. (2019). Social skills group training in children with autism spectrum disorder: a randomized controlled trial. European Child & Adolescent Psychiatry 28, 415-424.

Dogan, R.K., King, M.L., Fischetti, A.T., Lake, C.M., Mathews, T.L., & Warzak, W.J. (2017). Parent-implemented behavioral skills training of social skills. Journal of Applied Behavior Analysis 50, 805-818.

Find Yaser (2016, April 20). I am Autism commercial by Autism Speaks. Autism Speaks. Retrieved from: https://www.youtube.com/watch?app=desktop&v=9UgLnWJFGHQ

Haack, L.M., Villodas, M., McBurnett, K., Hinshaw, S., & Pfiffner, L.J. (2017). Parenting as a mechanism of change in psychosocial treatment for youth with ADHD, predominantly Inattentive presentation. Journal of Abnormal Child Psychology 45(5), 841-855.

Kasari, C., Rotehram-Fuller, E. Locke, J., & Gulsrud, A. (2011). Making the connection: Randomized controlled trial of social skills at school for children with autism spectrum disorders. Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry 53(4), 431-439.

Locke, J., Rotheram-Fuller, E., & Kasari, C. (2012). Exploring the social impact of being a typical peer model for included children with autism spectrum disorder. Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders 42, 1985-1905.

Mathews, T.L., Erkfritz-Gay, K., Knight, J., Lancaster, B.M., & Kupzyk, K.A. (2013). The effects of social skills training on children with Autism Spectrum Disorders and Disruptive Behavior Disorders. Children’s Health Care 42: 311-332.

Meadan, H., Ostrosky, M.M., Zaghlawan, H.Y., & Yu, SY. (2009). Promoting the social and communicative behavior of young children with Autism Spectrum Disorders. Topics in Early Childhood Speical Education 29(2), 90-104.

Milne, C.M., Leaf, J.B., Cihon, J.H., Ferguson, J.L., McEachin, J., & Leaf, R. (2020). What is the proof now? An updated methodological review of research on social stories. Education and Training in Autism and Developmental Disabilities 55(3), 264-276.

Morris, S., Sheen, J., Ling, M., Foley, D., & Sciberras, E. (2021). Interventions for adolescents with ADHD to improve peer social functioning: A systematic review and meta-analysis. Journal of Attention Disorders 25(10), 1479-1496.

National Center for Education Statistics (2020). Race and ethnicity of public school teachers and their students. Author. Retrieved from: https://nces.ed.gov/pubs2020/2020103/index.asp

Newby, R.F., Discher, M., & Roman, M.A. (1991). Parent training for families of children with ADHD. School Psychology Review 20(2), 252-265.

Nordby, E.S., Guribye, F., Nordgreen, T., & Lundervold, A.J. (2023). Silver linings of ADHD: A thematic analysis of adults’ positive experiences with living with ADHD. BMN Open 13(10): e072052.

Pfiffner, L.J., Mikami, A.Y., Huang-Pollock, C., Easterlin, B., Zalecki, C., & McBurnett, K. (2007). A randomized, controlled trial of integrated home-school behavioral treatment for ADHD, predominantly Inattentive style. Journal of the American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry 46(8), 1041-1050.

Schramm, S.A., Hennig, T., & Linderkamp, F. (2016). Training problem-solving and organizational skills in adolescents with Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder: A randomized controlled trial. Journal of Cognitive Education and Psychology 15(3), 391-411.

Stewart, K.K., Carr, J.E., & LeBlanc, Linda A. (2007). Evaluation of family-implemented behavioral skills training for teaching social skills to a child with Asperger’s Disorder. Clinical Case Studies 6(3), 252-262.

Storebo, O.J., Gluud, C., Winkel, P., & Simonsen, E. (2012). Social-skills and parental training plus standard treatment versus standard treatment for children with ADHD – The randomized SOSTRA trial. PLoS One 7(6), e37280.

Storebø OJ, Elmose Andersen M, Skoog M, Joost Hansen S, Simonsen E, Pedersen N, Tendal B, Callesen HE, Faltinsen E, Gluud C. Social skills training for attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) in children aged 5 to 18 years. Cochrane Database of Systematic Reviews 2019, Issue 6. Art. No.: CD008223

Vance, T. (2020, December 4). Social Stories for Autism and the harm they can cause. Blog post. Neuroclastic. Retrieved from: https://neuroclastic.com/social-stories-for-autism/?fbclid=IwZXh0bgNhZW0CMTAAAR2CsSDrXGEGnKU-UOkDmGrziEFZZ0xRvDfQ9rIKYBzdk5tuZnq9lVCsXpM_aem_AU1ZF-3Kywuop5TXQbTRBIQD3UUBS7hGRY8Ik72rirtuw0ZLxIPGxMQyW4a3cXCRY5T9P5EZQxbzrlwwCvYOiJbp

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Exploring Marriage, Autism, Race, and Parenting Together

Want to know how my autism self-diagnosis has affected my relationship with my husband? (I will apologize to autistic listeners here as an ableist perspective is still something we’re working on, and he also uses some outdated terminology probably from an old book he’s started twice – but not yet finished – on supporting partners with Asperger’s Syndrome.)

Curious about whether he identifies as Filipino-American… or not? And how his perspective on race differs from mine?

Want to hear how he sent a chicken up into space…and then found out what the two pink lines of a pregnancy test mean?

Last year, when we were coming up on our 200th podcast episode, I asked my husband, Alvin, if he would be willing to record a podcast episode. I had envisioned listeners asking the questions and him answering – but he wanted me to join as well!

One of the first things we learned was that Alvin cannot be succinct. (Well, technically speaking, this was not a new lesson for me – and interviewer Iris had tried really hard to prepare him for succinctness by asking for his ‘elevator pitch’ – but he just couldn’t do it!)

So we ended up cutting the episode when it was already over an hour, and we hadn’t covered half of the questions listeners had submitted…and interviewers Iris and Corrine graciously agreed to return for a Part 2. So here it is!

Other episodes mentioned

• 175: I’ll be me; can you be you?
• 200: Ask Alvin Anything (Part 1!)

Jump to highlights

01:22 Introducing this episode

04:28 Alvin talks about how Jen’s autism diagnosis helps their relationship, while Jen shares how it helps in their daily life and parenting.

12:47 Alvin and Jen talk about how they decided to become parents.

25:10 Alvin discusses his upbringing in a predominantly White area, his evolving awareness of his Filipino heritage, and how his wife Jen’s advocacy work has shaped his understanding of race and culture.

38:13 Alvin talks about his journey from wanting to be seen as White to embracing his Filipino heritage and identifying as a Brown person.

46:32 Alvin encourages dads to be actively involved in parenting, prioritize their partners, and be present in family life.

57:15 Alvin and the hosts engage in a quickfire round of questions, discussing topics from parenting to personal preferences.

01:00:50 Wrapping up

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Ditch Punishments and Rewards for Respectful Parenting

Do you hate punishing (with Time Outs, withdrawing privileges, or even yelling at) your child?

Do you feel guilty after you punish them, wishing there was a way to just get them to listen?

And do bribes (“If you brush your teeth now, you can have 5 minutes of screen time…”) feel just as awful?

But what other choice do you have? Your kids don’t listen now, so how could not rewarding and punishing them possibly help?

That’s what parent Dr. Houri Parsi thought when I first met her. (Houri’s doctorate is in clinical psychology, focused on behaviorist-based reward and punishment systems.) She wasn’t ready to believe that abandoning the tools she’d been trained in would create a better outcome, when she measured her success as a parent by whether she got immediate compliance from her children.

She ended up not completely abandoning these tools – because they still fit within her vision and values for her family (her vision is a bit different from mine, which is OK! The important thing is that she is living in alignment with her values!).

But Houri’s relationship with her children is profoundly different today than it was a couple of years ago. Her children have deep insight into their feelings and needs, and most of the time they’re able to find ways to meet all of their needs. She no longer uses her power over them to get their immediate compliance – and that doesn’t mean she gets walked all over either.

Houri sees that this approach has built a deep reservoir of trust in their relationship – but occasionally a parent will slip, and will force the children to do something they aren’t ready for. When you hear Houri describe how her daughter punished her husband for forcing an injection before she was ready, you might never look at your own child’s misbehavior the same way again.

You’ll even find a new way to approach the age-old struggle of tooth brushing in this conversation that gets Houri’s childrens’ teeth brushed every morning without a fight!

If you’d like to ditch the rewards and punishments (and also know that the teeth will still get brushed!) then I’d love to help you make that happen.

You’ll get:

• A new module of content every month
• Access to an amazing community of supportive parents, in what they’ve described as “the least judgmental corner of the internet”
• Answers to your questions in the community, via a video, or a 1:1 consult for especially thorny issues (recorded to share with the community; there’s a library of these available for you to watch as well)
• Group coaching calls where I’ll coach you live on your specific challenges (or you can lurk if you prefer…)
• ACTion groups: Up to five parents and an experienced peer coach meet weekly to help you plan how you’ll achieve your vision
• A 20 minute 1:1 call with community manager Denise right after you sign up, so she can direct you to the resources that will help you most!

It’s gentle parenting that’s also gentle on you (and isn’t permissive!). The Parenting Membership is now open for immediate enrollment. Sign up now!

Other episodes mentioned:

009: Do you punish your child with rewards?

Jump to highlights:

00:53 Introducing this episode’s topic and guest

04:09 Dr. Houri Parsi has been applying evidence-based parenting methods from the Your Parenting Mojo podcast for two years.

08:54 Dr. Houri talks about their initial parenting beliefs and later exploring respectful and mindful approaches as their children grew older.

16:24 Dr. Houri changed her parenting approach after joining the Parenting Membership, moving away from using rewards or punishments and focusing on understanding and trusting their children’s needs instead.

27:11 Dr. Houri initially struggled with giving up rewards and punishments due to her behaviorism background but eventually shifted her parenting approach, opting for a collaborative and respectful parenting style.

39:46 Dr. Houri discussed her parenting style, focusing on aligning with personal values rather than enforcing compliance.

52:18 Dr. Houri encouraged parents to shift from guilt-driven authority to collaborative parenting.

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Are there parts of yourself that you don’t share with other people?

Things that you think: “If people knew that about me, they wouldn’t love me / they’d think I’m a terrible person / they wouldn’t even want to be around me”?

When you mess up, does it seem like it’s not that you did a silly/bad thing, but that you are a stupid/bad person?

If your answer to any of these questions is “yes,” then you’re experiencing shame.

Almost all of the parents I work with are ashamed of some aspect of themselves…but not Dee.

That’s not to say that Dee never struggles – far from it. But her struggles seem to feel more manageable to her, and she has a sense of ‘right’-ness about her.

If Dee recognizes that she has a need, it never occurs to her to not ask for help from others in getting that need met.

How did this happen? What implications does it have for how we can raise our children so they don’t experience shame?

In this episode, Dee shares her story and her top three ideas for raising children in a shame-free environment with us.

If you realize that shame has been a huge part of your childhood (and even adulthood) and you’re ready for help healing that so you can be the kind of parent you want to be, I do hope you’ll join me (and Dee!) in the Parenting Membership.

We don’t just learn how to make parenting easier (although that is a big focus!). We also work to heal ourselves so we can show up as whole people in our own lives.

The Parenting Membership is now open for immediate enrollment. Sign up now!

Other episodes mentioned:

• 209: How to get on the same page as your parenting partner
• 212: How to make the sustainable change you want to see

Jump to highlights

00:59 Introducing today’s topic and featured guest

6:31 Dee talks about her life, interests, and journey as a parent, including travel, family, and retirement plans.

09:24 Dee reflects on her supportive mom, who embraced their behavior as expressions of needs and valued their personalities.

12:39 Dee reflects on her nurturing upbringing, emphasizing the importance of feeling loved and accepted. This foundation drives her to seek intentional parenting strategies.

20:31 Dee learned to negotiate needs and boundaries with her child, leading to mutual respect and a harmonious dynamic.

30:39 Dee shares her experiences in the Parenting Membership community where she finds support and insights through coaching calls, ACTion group, and modules on topics that help her navigate parenting challenges and personal growth.

40:50 Through the Parenting Membership, Dee learned to address resentment, prioritize her needs, and communicate better with her partner for a healthier balance.

01:06:15 Three things Dee suggests for parents to try on based on the conversation.

01:09:39 Wrapping up

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Do you have a core group of parent friends who are always there for you? Friends who might not be 100% aligned with your parenting philosophy, but they’re close enough that you know that when they do offer suggestions you would at least consider doing them?

And on the days when you just want to just vent and not hear any advice at all, you know that it’ll be totally fine for you to vent. They won’t take offense and they’ll just empathize and reassure you that you aren’t a terrible parent; you’re a great parent having a difficult day – because they’ve seen you on your good days as well.

In this episode I’ll introduce you to SIX parents who have just this kind of relationship. Katherine, Rachel, Beth, Peju, and Kati live in the eastern United States and Jody is Australia, and they meet once a week on Zoom for 40 minutes, and each of them talks for just five minutes…and in that time, they’ve become incredibly close friends. The relationships they have with each other are among the deepest and most profound ones in their lives.

If you need a supportive community like this in your life then I’d love to see you in the Parenting Membership, which is where Katherine, Rachel, Beth, Peju, Kati, and Jody met.

The Parenting Membership is now open for immediate enrollment. Sign up now!

Jump to highlights:

01:43 Introducing today’s episode

03:19 The Parenting Membership features ACTion groups that meet weekly, offering valuable support and insights into effective parenting strategies.

04:50 The ACTion Group is about parents coming together weekly to share their parenting progress, challenges, and goals in a supportive and accountable environment.

19:21 The ACTion Group’s collaborative problem-solving and support for parent Rachel’s challenge with her son were showcased, emphasizing a collective effort in addressing parenting difficulties.

26:54 The ACTion Group supports Beth in addressing her holiday break challenge and need for rest, fostering solutions and self-awareness.

33:13 The ACTion Group helps Peju integrate changes by realizing the importance of apologizing to her son and holding herself accountable to her family values.

39:40 The Action Group explored Jody’s challenges with his parents, highlighting the shift towards acceptance instead of forgiveness, leading to a sense of relief and reduced emotional reactivity for him.

47:11 The group shared how the ACTion group has positively impacted their parenting journey through accountability, celebration, and community support. They emphasized the non-judgmental environment, learning from each other’s experiences, and the value of consistent participation in personal growth.

01:06:59 Invitation to join the Parenting Membership

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Do you ever fight with your partner?

Do you ever fight with your partner about parenting?

(Pretty much all of the couples I work with do both of those things.)

And these arguments tend to follow a pretty well-defined formula:

1. Child misbehaves.
2. Parent A gets overwhelmed,criticizesthe child and snaps at Partner B for not doing more to help.
3. Parent B and says that clearly Parent A’s ‘better parenting approach’ isn’t working, since the kids are still misbehaving – this iscontempt.
4. Parent A knows they don’t want to parent the way they were raised, and also knows they aren’t doing things totally in alignment with their values right now. Parent A has done a lot of work to try to heal themselves, but worries that it isn’t happening fast enough to protect their children. And isn’t it better than the bribing and punishing that Parent B is doing? They’re beingdefensive.
5. Parent Bstonewalls– they are overwhelmed and shuts down, refusing to talk about the issue.
6. Both partners walk away feeling frustrated, wonder how on earth it got to this point, and feel hopeless that it will ever improve.

If your fights look like this, I’m here to let you know that there is hope!

Last year I did Levels 1 and 2 (of 3 levels) of Gottman Method training. The Gottman Method is basically the only evidence-based framework for couple’s therapy.

Drs. John & Julie Gottman describe the main ways they see couples struggle in their communication, and named them the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse – you saw all of them in the example above.

How many of the Horsemen show up in your fights?

(Criticism is almost always the first Horseman to arrive. Interrupt that, and you can communicate in entirely different ways.)

If you wish there was a better way to communicate about these challenging issues with your partner so you could actually get on the same page and parent as a team, today’s episode will show you how to do that.

You’ll see a couple, Dee and Jono, who usually walk away from each other in frustration after they discuss their roles in the family.

In this conversation they use very different tools. We didn’t completely resolve the issue, but they kept going with the conversation by themselves and gave me permission to also share Dee’s report of what happened after the call – which was really magical!

Learn more about how you can avoid using The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, and what tools to use instead so you can actually discuss these kinds of difficult topics with your partner.

It’s really hard to learn these kinds of communication skills on your own. I’d actually read one of the Gottmans’ books but didn’t really see how to apply the ideas in my own relationship until I did their four-day training.

During the training I realized that they use basically the same set of tools I use to help parents with their children’s behavior, but with a couple of key weaknesses. So I recruited couples from the Parenting Membership and created a series of demo videos so you can learn the skills and see couples practicing them.

There are cheat sheets, starter scripts, and quizzes to help you identify the Four Horsemen in real couples’ arguments.

Couples who have used these tools report not just that they’re able to address their disagreements more easily, but they’re having fewer squabbles in the first place because things just seem to ‘flow’ in a way they hadn’t before.

I’ll coach you (live!) on how to use the tools with your own partner in the Parenting Membership.

Discover how our Parenting Membership can provide invaluable support and guidance. Share this letter with your partner to help them understand the benefits of joining our community. Together, we can make parenting easier and more enjoyable.

The Parenting Membership is now open for immediate enrollment. Sign up now!

Other episode mentioned:

207: How to not be a permissive parent

Jump to highlights

00:53 Introducing today’s topic

02:27 The Parenting Membership’s “Parenting As A Team” module, inspired by the Gottmans’ research, provides valuable guidance on communication and relationships, empowering members with tools for stronger partnerships.

09:46 Introducing the historical approach to aiding couples in managing relationship challenges, along with the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” behaviors and their remedies

15:36 Dee and Jono engage in a coaching session, where CG, a non-professional coach, showcases her active listening skills. This session highlights the importance of validation and reflective listening in resolving conflicts and understanding perspectives, emphasizing the need for external support and skill-building within communities for improved communication and relationships.

32:48 Dee and Jono’s coaching call led to commitments to nurture equality through daily appreciation, shared responsibilities, and seeking peer coaching for equitable partnership strategies.

40:07 Invitation to join the Parenting Membership

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Do you ever wish that you know the appropriate logical consequence to give your child (aged 1-10) for each different kind of misbehavior you see?

• When your toddler empties the water out of the dog’s bowl for the 10th time today…
• When your preschooler climbs on the table three minutes after you told them to get off it…
• When your kindergartener refuses to come to the table for dinner (and you know they’re going to announce they’re hungry in an hour)…
• When your elementary schooler won’t get dressed in the morning (even though you know they are FULLY CAPABLE of doing it themselves) without 300 increasingly nagging, pleading, and begging ‘reminders’ from you…

Wouldn’t it be amazing to have the PERFECT logical consequence ready that would be appropriately proportioned to the misbehavior, and also just get your child to do the thing you’re asking without you having to ask again???

But here’s the thing about logical consequences: they essentially say to our child: “I don’t care why you don’t want to do this thing; I just want you to do it.”

If we saw one adult saying that to another adult, we would call it ’emotional abuse.’

So why do we do it to our children?

Because it seems like we don’t have another option to get through the day.

We actually have many other options; it’s just hard to remember them all and which one to use in which circumstance.

In today’s episode, I’ll tell you the three main reasons why setting limits is hard (and what to do about each of them).

And if you want my complete framework for how to navigate misbehavior, with ALL FIVE of the tools we can use and guidelines on exactly WHEN to use each of them, sign up for the Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits workshop.

Click the banner to learn more.

Other episodes mentioned:

• 182: How to get frustrating behaviors to stop
• 193: You don’t have to believe everything you think
• 200: Ask Alvin Anything Part 1

Jump to highlights:

00:52 Introducing today’s topic

02:32 Invitation to join the Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits workshop

11:08 The number 3 reason why setting limits is so hard

12:58 The importance of respectful communication and mutual understanding in parent-child interactions, highlighting scenarios where setting limits may not always be the most effective solution

25:04 The number 2 reason why it’s hard to set limits

26:02  Setting limits and respecting a child’s autonomy, advocating for a collaborative approach to parenting

28:41 The number 1 reason why we find it so hard to set limits

29:12 The importance of understanding and meeting both children’s and parents’ needs to find effective solutions to behavioral challenges, emphasizing the negative consequences of ignoring or dismissing a child’s needs

41:44  Parent Cori challenges with her son’s teeth brushing and the positive change brought about by understanding the child’s need for autonomy

45:42 Three great resources (and they’re all free!) for parents with the same struggles as Cori’s

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Sometimes when listeners write to me, fun things happen! 🤪

Listener Diana replied to a recent email because she had listened to quite a lot of my episodes (although more of the earlier ones than the recent ones) and she was generally on board with my approach.

But she was having a hard time! Despite doing a lot of things for her children, and trying to remain calm and ‘unruffled’ and show that she loves them unconditionally, but as pretty often when she asked them to do something they sometimes scream at her for offering to help, they attempt to boss her around, and they’re inflexible and rude.

So what’s going on here?

Have we (finally) met children for whom my approach simply does not work?

Of course, as soon as I received Diana’s email I wanted to talk with her. She gamely agreed to come on the podcast, although she did want to protect her privacy so there’s no video for this episode.

We talked through the kinds of situations she often finds herself in, and some of the reasons why her daughter, in particular, might be acting this way. It turned out that in her indecision, Diana was drifting into permissive parenting, which meant that her children didn’t know her needs – because Diana didn’t know her own needs.

We identified quite a few practical things she could try to consider both her own and her children’s needs, and there’s also a message in the episode that Diana sent me a week after we talked, sharing how things were going.

Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits 

Do you have a child aged 1 – 10? Are they resisting, ignoring you, and talking back at every request you make? Do you often feel frustrated, annoyed, and even angry with them? Are you desperate for their cooperation – but don’t know how to get it? If your children are constantly testing limits, the Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits workshop is for you.

Go from constant struggles and nagging to a new sense of calm & collaboration. I will teach you how to set limits, but we’ll also go waaaay beyond that to learn how to set fewer limits than you ever thought possible. Sign up now for the Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits workshop.

Click the banner to learn more.

Other episode mentioned:

Q&A#5: What really matters in parenting? Part 1

Jump to highlights:

00:48 Introducing today’s guest and topic

08:58 Diana reflects on challenges with implementing a respectful parenting philosophy and navigating differences with her high-sensitivity, high-intensity child.

13:14 Diana shares parenting struggles, negotiating with her kids, and feeling disrespected in their interactions.

26:51 Diana reflects on supporting her daughter during dysregulated moments, while Jen illustrates the importance of context in understanding behavior.

31:12 They address Diana’s daughter’s need for predictability and resistance to sudden changes.

46:58 The dialogue emphasizes the importance of understanding and articulating individual needs to avoid permissive parenting while ensuring both the parent’s and child’s needs are met.

01:00:57 The conversation highlighted the importance of understanding underlying needs behind a child’s behavior, leading to a shift in perspective for the parent.

01:06:00 Three actionable steps for listeners to implement the concepts discussed

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It can be really hard to see what’s happening in our struggles with our children. They refuse to go to bed at bedtime; we’re at home alone all day with a baby who doesn’t like being put down, and our older child who is now being aggressive, and there’s no time for us to even take a shower, and maybe it seems like everyone around us is judging our parenting choices.

In this very different episode you’re going to hear from parents who are in exactly these kinds of situations, and who joined me for a group coaching call to talk through them. We worked through a role play with one parent, Meagan, and then we saw how the same process could apply to lots of other different kinds of situations.

Several of the parents who joined the call were kind enough to record messages after the call letting me know how the experience was for them, and with their permission I’ve included these recordings in the episode as well.

So if you’re struggling to find your groove as a parent; if you’re struggling to find yourself, this episode will help.

Parenting Membership

If parenting feels really hard, and it seems like you’ve read all the books and you’ve asked for advice in free communities and you’re tired of having to weed through all the stuff that isn’t aligned with your values to get to the few good nuggets, then the Parenting Membership will help you out.

The Parenting Membership is now open for immediate enrollment. Sign up now!

Other episode mentioned:

181: Why ‘giving choices’ doesn’t work–and what to do instead

Jump to highlights

01:26 Introducing today’s topic

02:11 Jen talks about hosting a group coaching call for Your Parenting Mojo Facebook group members, challenging misconceptions about coaching benefits.

03:26 Participants, like Parent Kendra, express feeling connected with others and finding solace in normalizing the challenges of parenting, even in a virtual setting.  

07:38 Participants shared their parenting challenges, including ADHD, tantrums, social expectations, and bedtime struggles, seeking guidance and support during the coaching call.

14:28 The conversation explores Parent Meagan’s bedtime struggles with her daughter Ava, highlighting Meagan’s stress and Ava’s desire for autonomy and connection. Strategies to address both needs are discussed.

36:30 The conversation explores Jen’s struggle balancing caregiving, household tasks, and family time. It touches on her discomfort with her baby’s crying, rooted in her own childhood experiences.

46:58 The conversation discusses supporting children with neurodivergent traits, emphasizing the challenges of maintaining routines and social interactions.

56:37 Parent Kendra shares her challenge navigating societal expectations in parenting across different cultures.

01:09:05 Whitney shares how she applied the concept of understanding her son’s perspective and needs during bedtime struggles. This shift in perspective helped her empathize more with her son’s feelings and frustrations.

01:15:12 Invitation to the Setting Loving (and Effective!) Limits workshop

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I have to admit, I’m a bit scared to say it…

The P-word…

“Patriarchy.”(Phew!  I did it!)I know some listeners find it hard to hear.

I’ve spoken with more than one woman who has told me: “I sent your podcast to my husband but then he heard the word “Patriarchy” and it was all over.

There’s some sadness there for me, for sure.

Every time I talk about patriarchy I talk about how much it hurts me and those of us who identify as women – but I also talk about how much it hurts men as well.  And that’s not just lip service: I truly believe that patriarchy has robbed men of a full emotional life.

I was talking with a parent in the Parenting Membership recently who asked her husband if he ever felt truly seen and understood.  He said ‘no,’ and ended the conversation.  She cried as she told me: “I feel so sad for him that he doesn’t know that he could be seen and understood, so he doesn’t even realize he’s missing it.”

We can know these things conceptually, and we can think that patriarchy kind of sucks, but maybe we think there’s not a lot we can do about it.  After all, isn’t the man the one who really needs to change?

Member Iris and I had had a conversation in the membership a couple of months before I was in Vancouver for the Parenting Beyond Power book tour, where she mentioned that she’d been thinking a lot about how patriarchy shows up in her life.  We made plans to get together to record an episode while I was in town – and here it is!

Iris and I discuss:

• The power and control that men held over women and girls as she grew up in the Philippines, including casting out female family members with out-of-wedlock pregnancies, while nothing happened to the men who got them pregnant (and lest we think this couldn’t possibly happen where we live, men have very real power over women’s pregnancies in the United States as well right now too…)
• How she sees herself catering to her husband’s needs – adjusting her daily schedule to his; eating what he wanted for dinner even if she preferred something different; perceiving that he expects her to do more than half of the household, even though neither of them works for income;
• Patriarchal messages that are being passed on to her daughter about the value of marriage, children, and meeting men’s needs.

Even though she’s no longer in the Philippines, Iris still sees patriarchy in her relationship with her husband and daughter. She even sees how it hurts her husband, who is looked down upon in our culture because he doesn’t present in a typically ‘masculine’ way.

She shares the practices she’s using to pass on different messages to her daughter about a woman’s role in a family and in the world.

But I don’t think we should only have these kinds of conversations with our daughters.  We should also talk with our boys about their feelings, and encourage them to fully experience their pain, hurt, and joy, and teach them that it’s OK to care about other people and not be an island that feels no pain and never cries.

Enjoy this beautiful conversation with Iris.

Parenting Beyond Power

Parenting is tough, but when we shift away from traditional power dynamics to collaboration, family life becomes smoother today.

Conventional discipline methods may temporarily stop challenging behaviors, but they reinforce harmful lessons about power and control. Parenting Beyond Power offers a groundbreaking framework to understand and meet our children’s needs, fostering respect and empathy.

With sample scripts and practical resources, Parenting Beyond Power empowers you to transform your parenting journey.

Get your copy now! Click the banner to learn more:

Jump to highlights

00:49 Introducing today’s guest and topic

06:30 Iris discusses the impact of patriarchy on her family, revealing how gender roles and expectations affected her parents’ dynamics and sense of self-worth.

12:52 Iris discusses her family’s emotional dynamics and the lasting impact of patriarchal double standards on her parenting approach.

17:51 Iris reflects on her teenage years, grappling with societal norms and confronting patriarchal expectations in her relationships.

22:35 Iris cuts her hair short in defiance of patriarchal norms, challenging traditional notions of feminine beauty and reclaiming her autonomy.

24:21 Iris reflects on societal pressures and gender roles within her marriage, highlighting the challenges of conforming to traditional expectations.

33:31 Iris encourages daughter Malaya’s autonomy, challenges traditional gender roles, and fosters open communication within the family.

41:07 Women play a part in perpetuating patriarchal norms in families and should strive to empower daughters through shared decision-making and open dialogue.

44:29 Iris stresses the value of rest for herself, challenging the idea that productivity determines worth, especially under capitalism.

46:16 Iris reflects on the dynamics of waiting for male approval and envisions a future where her daughter confidently asserts herself.

49:19 Jen introduces three actionable steps for listeners to implement the ideas discussed in the episode.

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Sara has always tried really hard to not just be a good parent, but a really good parent. The best parent. (When I coached her and her partner recently to create some content for the Parenting Membership that you’ll hear more about in a few weeks, her partner said to her: You hold everyone else to a high standard. You hold yourself to a higher standard.)

Sara put a lot of pressure on herself, and this was even harder because she she didn’t have the most amazing parental role models. They often fought in front of Sara and her sibling (with insults and name calling a regular part of the mix), and they didn’t repair afterward.

The difficult communication between parents extended to the children as well – Sara started to fight back when she was spanked, which escalated to physical fights as she got older. If she tried to talk with her Mom about previous incidents then her Mom would make out that she was the victim, while her Dad would whiz her down to Baskin Robbins for ice cream to win back her love. Sara withdrew, stopped sharing anything with her parents and isolated herself in her room – devouring books and the all the things on the early days of the internet.

So when she became a parent, it’s not surprising she felt triggered! Conflict abounded! Conflict with her partner, and with her children – she knew how she WANTED to navigate it (in a way that modeled healthy conflict for her children), but how could she do that when she had no idea how?

We talk about conflict in this episode, and we also talk about needs. It turns out that Sara had needs (who knew!) and when she started to identify and meet them, the magic happened.

Spending time doing things for herself, to meet her need for creativity, created time to spend with her husband and children.

She realized she had been trying to do a lot of multitasking to try to fit everything in, but never spent time doing things she truly loved. Once she did, the background noise of that unmet need went quiet in her mind, and then she could actually enjoy spending time with her family.

Ready to break free from the cycle of triggered reactions and conflict in your parenting journey?

If you want to:

😟 Be triggered less often by your child’s behavior,

😐 React from a place of compassion and empathy instead of anger and frustration,

😊 Respond to your child from a place that’s aligned with your values rather than reacting in the heat of the moment,

the Taming Your Triggers workshop will help you make this shift.

Join us to transform conflict into connection and reclaim peace in your parenting journey.

Click the banner to learn more!

Jump to highlights

00:49 Introducing today’s topic and guest

02:27 Sara’s upbringing and family life

07:40 Sara’s pandemic parenting insights

11:28 The challenges of striving for excellence as a parent, especially in trying circumstances

13:55 Sara’s decision to join the Parenting Membership before exploring Taming Your Triggers

16:33 Sara’s specific triggers that prompted her to recognize the need for support

20:20 Sara’s initial experiences and emotions as she embarked on Taming Your Triggers workshop

26:16 Why Sara chose to prioritize journaling, its impact, and the major shifts she experienced throughout the workshop

30:51 How Sara approached parenting with an audience

33:00 Discovering recurring needs during the workshop that Sara hadn’t noticed before

35:06 Sara’s realization that prioritizing self-care actually creates more time in her busy schedule

36:32 What changes Sara has noticed regarding her triggers

39:19 Mild, medium, and spicy practices for parents

42:19 Wrapping up discussion

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Last year I hosted a panel event in Vancouver where four people who have been active in helping us to navigate toward an anti-racist, post-patriarchal, post-capitalist future came together to share their ideas in front of a live audience.

It was a beautiful event (eventually we’ll process the video of it to share with you!), and I really hit it off with Moms Against Racism Canada founder Kerry Cavers so we got together afterward to chat.

This is a much more personal episode than many. I actually didn’t know it was going to be an episode beforehand – I thought we were going to record something that would be mostly for Kerry to use to explain her work to potential funders. But when I realized what gold we had, I decided to release the video as an episode.

I did realize that we were lacking in some specific take-home messages for listeners, so I asked whether Kerry would be willing to share some ideas for ways to take action on anti-racism with us. She has a lot going on at the moment so she wasn’t able to record something for us, but she did put together a VERY comprehensive list of actions that I recorded at the end of the episode.

I’ve also created a PDF of her ideas that you can print and refer back to more easily – click the button below to download it.

Enjoy the conversation!

Ready to break free from the cycle of triggered reactions and conflict in your parenting journey?

If you want to:

😟 Be triggered less often by your child’s behavior,

😐 React from a place of compassion and empathy instead of anger and frustration,

😊 Respond to your child from a place that’s aligned with your values rather than reacting in the heat of the moment,

the Taming Your Triggers workshop will help you make this shift.

Join us to transform conflict into connection and reclaim peace in your parenting journey.

Click the banner to learn more!

Jump to highlights

00:53 Introducing this episode’s topic and guest

03:31 Kerry’s insights into her role within Mom’s Against Racism and discusses the organization’s mission and initiatives

05:49 MAR’s origin and founding motivations

13:54 The various forms and manifestations of racism in Canadian society

18:50 How members of Moms Against Racism are guided in unlearning racism

24:49 Kerry reflects on her upbringing, sharing how her mother’s personal challenges and disconnection from her cultural identity left a void in her understanding of her own heritage

28:00 Kerry’s thoughts on Parenting Beyond Power

31:14 Kerry talks about which tools from the book resonated with her and if she’s been able to use them

43:02 Why Kerry agreed to join the Culture Talks Panel Event

47:22 Jen’s commitment to addressing issues like White privilege and patriarchy, striving to make a positive impact

50:38 Kerry’s Ideas for Anti-Racist Actions for Parents

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Listener Roberta submitted a question recently on YourParentingMojo.com/question:

What does the research say are the decisions that really matter in parenting?

That question immediately got my brain churning about what could be included, and how we would decide what to include, and how much of what’s included could actually be research-based.

The episode begins with a look at some of the major categories of factors that impact our children’s development that we may not have as much control over, because we have to acknowledge these before we can look at what we do impact.

Then I look at some of the things we do control but I think we can pretty safely stop worrying about them. The impact that each of these things has is likely to be so tiny as to individually meaningless.

Finally, I count down my list of the top 5 things that I think impact children’s development.

This episode is for parents of children aged about 2 onwards. I think infants have some different needs, and I’m planning a separate episode on those later in the year.

Ready to break free from the cycle of triggered reactions and conflict in your parenting journey?

If you want to:

😟 Be triggered less often by your child’s behavior,

😐 React from a place of compassion and empathy instead of anger and frustration,

😊 Respond to your child from a place that’s aligned with your values rather than reacting in the heat of the moment,

the Taming Your Triggers workshop will help you make this shift.

Join us to transform conflict into connection and reclaim peace in your parenting journey.

Click the banner to learn more!

Other episodes/blogs referenced:

• 014: Understanding the AAP’s new screen time guidelines
• 052: Grit: The unique factor in your child’s success?
• 061: Can Growth Mindset live up to the hype?
• 067: Does the Marshmallow Test tell us anything useful?
• 068: Do I HAVE to pretend play with my child?
• 148: Is spanking a child really so bad?
• 196: How to do right by your child – and everyone else’s with Dr. Elizabeth Cripps
• Why people claim that gentle parenting ‘doesn’t work’
• https://www.parentifact.org/why-does-parenting-advice-seem-to-change-so-often/

Jump to highlights

00:54 Introducing the topic

01:09 Question from Listener Roberta

07:43 Socio-economic status affects a child’s environment and parenting approaches

18:25 Jeannou’s journey reveals the intricate link between upbringing and well-being

27:39 To understand what truly matters in parenting, we must consider both achievable outcomes and deeper definitions of success.

29:38 List of things that are not worth worrying about for children in their toddler years and beyond

33:06 The five things that really matter in parenting

48:21 Wrapping up the discussion

References

Bradley, R.H., & Corwyn, R.F. (2002). Socioeconomic status and child development. Annual Review of Psychology 53, 371-99.

Hoff, E., Laursen, B., & Tardif, T. (2019). Socioeconomic status and parenting. In: M. H. Bornstein (Ed.). Handbook of parenting Volume 2: Biology and ecology of parenting (p.421-447). Mahwah, NJ: Lawrence Erlbaum

Myers, D.G. (2008). Will money buy happiness? In S. Lopez (2008), Positive psychology: Exploring the best in people (Vol. 4: Pursuing human flourishing). Westport, CT: Praeger.

Polderman, T.J.C., Benyamin, B., de Leeuw, C.A., Sullivan, P.F., van Bochoven, A., Visscher, P.M., & Posthuma, D. (2015). Meta-analysis of the heritability of human traits based on fifty years of twin studies. Nature Genetics 47(7), 702.

Ulferts, H. (2020). Why parenting matters for children in the 21st century: An evidence-based framework for understanding parenting and its impact on child development. Organization for Economic Co-operation and Development Education Working Paper No. 222. Retrieved from: https://www.researchgate.net/profile/Hannah-Ulferts/publication/342082899_Why_parenting_matters_for_children_in_the_21st_century_An_evidence-based_framework_for_understanding_parenting_and_its_impact_on_child_development/links/5ee1eb5aa6fdcc73be702921/Why-parenting-matters-for-children-in-the-21st-century-An-evidence-based-framework-for-understanding-parenting-and-its-impact-on-child-development.pdf

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My mom died when I was 10, and for a while people in our small village would look at my sister and me as if we were ‘special’ in some weird way. By the time I was a young adult that was just one of a stew of difficult experiences I’d had, and I also realized: my stuff is not special.

By that age, most people are carrying around some kind of trauma.

But so what? Does it matter? If our mental health is good enough, does it help to wallow around in all the stuff that’s in the past?

In this episode we talk with Dr. Nadine Burke Harris, who has pioneered the connections between these kinds of Adverse Childhood Experiences and medical care for children, as well as Jackie Thu-Huong Wong, Executive Director of First 5 California.

We’ll learn:

• What is an Adverse Childhood Experience (ACE);
• How ACEs can influence not only our physical but our mental health as well;
• What we know about the protective effects of relationships with caring adults
• Dr. Burke Harris’ opinions of the ‘best’ authoritative parenting style;
• A new feature in our episodes: mild, medium, and spicy options for parents who want to dip their toe into the water on this topic, or dive more deeply.

Ready to break free from the cycle of triggered reactions and conflict in your parenting journey?

If you want to:

😟 Be triggered less often by your child’s behavior,

😐 React from a place of compassion and empathy instead of anger and frustration,

😊 Respond to your child from a place that’s aligned with your values rather than reacting in the heat of the moment,

the Taming Your Triggers workshop will help you make this shift.

Join us to transform conflict into connection and reclaim peace in your parenting journey.

Click the banner to learn more!

Other episode mentioned:

148: Is spanking a child really so bad?

Jump to highlights

01:26 Introducing today’s topic and guests

04:20 Clarifying the concept of adverse childhood experiences (ACEs) and their origin

06:37 Discussing how Dr. Burke Harris’s research expanded the understanding of ACEs beyond family-focused indicators

10:05 Exploring the paradox of declining death rates and the ongoing prevalence of adverse childhood experiences (ACEs)

13:08 Highlighting the Stronger Starts campaign and the four key interventions (Four Be’s)

19:45 Limited resources pose overwhelming challenges for families, impacting decisions between staying in harmful situations and seeking help

22:39 Questioning the correlational nature of ACEs data

31:53 Addressing intergenerational trauma, the concern is raised for parents struggling with the transmission of intergenerational trauma

37:08 A listener, reflecting on childhood experiences and societal norms of good parenting, raises a question about Dr. Diana Baumrind’s work

38:40 Emphasizing the Stronger Starts campaign’s reliance on current research, evolving scientific understanding is paralleled with historical shifts (evident in changing perspectives on corporal punishment)

46:18 Wrapping up the discussion with three engagement options (mild, medium, spicy)

Resources

• The Deepest Well: Healing the Long-Term Effects of Childhood Trauma and Adversity– Dr. Nadine Burke Harris (affiliate link)
• First 5 California website– for parents
• NumberStory.org– for parents
• ACEsAware.org– for healthcare providers

References

Anda, R.F., Porter, L.E., & Brown, D.W. (2020). Inside the Adverse Childhood Experience score: Strengths, limitations, and misapplications. American Journal of Preventive Medicine 59(2), 293-295.

Baldwin, J.R., Caspi, A., Meehan, A.J., Ambler, A., Arseneault, L., Fisher, H.L., Harrington, H., Matthews, T., Odgers, C.L., Poulton, R. and Ramrakha, S. (2021). Population vs individual prediction of poor health from results of adverse childhood experiences screening. JAMA Pediatrics, 175(4), 385-393.

Boparai, S.K.P., Au, V., Koita, K., Oh, D.L., Briner, S., Burke Harris, NB., & Bucci, M. (2018). Child Abuse & Neglect 81, 82-105.

Briggs, E., Amaya-Jackson, L., Putnam, K.T., & Putnam, F.W. (2021). All adverse childhood experiences are not equal: The contribution of synergy to Adverse Childhood Experience scores. American Psychologist 76(2), 243.

Burke Harris, N. (2018). The deepest well: Healing the long-term effects of childhood adversity. Boston: Houghton Mifflin Harcourt. [Note: the book was republished also in 2018 under the title: Toxic childhood stress: The legacy of early trauma and how to heal.]

Camacho, S., & Henderson, S.C. (2022). The social determinants of Adverse Childhood Experiences: An intersectional analysis of place, access to resources, and compounding effects.

Carlson, S., Borrell, L.N., Eng, C., Nguyen, M., Thyne, S., LeNoir, M.A., Burke-Harris, N., Burchard, E.G., & Thakur, N. (2017). Self-reported racial/ethnic discrimination and bronchodilator response in African American youth with asthma. PLoS ONE 12(6), e0179091.

Felitti, V.J., Anda, R.F., Nordenberg, D., Williamson, D.F., Spitz, A.M., Edwards, V., Koss, M.P., & Marks, J.S. (1998). Relationship of Childhood Abuse and Household Dysfunction to many of the leading causes of death in adults: The Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE) study. American Journal of Preventive Medicine 14(4), 245-258.

Finkelhor, D., Shattuck, A., Turner, H., & Hamby, S. (2013). Improving the Adverse Childhood Experiences study scale. JAMA Pediatrics 167(1), 70-75.

Gilgoff, R., Singh, L., Koita, K., Gentile, B., & Marques, S. S. (2020). Adverse Childhood Experiences, outcomes, and interventions. Pediatric Clinics of North America 67, 259-273.

Gross, S.M. (2020). Screening for Adverse Childhood Experiences in pediatric primary care. Unpublished doctoral dissertation, College Park, MD: University of Maryland. Retrieved from: https://archive.hshsl.umaryland.edu/bitstream/handle/10713/12951/Gross_AdverseChildhoodExperiences_2020.pdf?sequence=1&isAllowed=y

Koita, K., Long, D., Hessler, D., Benson, M., Daley, K., Bucci, M., Thakur, N., & Burke Harris, N. (2018). Development and implementation of a pediatric adverse childhood experiences (ACEs) and other determinants of health questionnaire in the pediatric medical home: A pilot study. PLoS ONE 12(12): e0208088.

Lacey, R.E., & Minnis, H. (2020). Practitioner review: Twenty years of research with Adverse Childhood Experience scores – advantages, disadvantages and applications to practice. Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry 61(2), 116-130.

Long, D., Hessler, D., Koita, K., Bucci, M., Benson, M., Gilgoff, R., Thakur, N., & Burke Harris, N. (2022). Screening for Adverse Childhood Experiences in pediatrics: A randomized trial of aggregate-level versus item-level response screening formats. PLoS ONE 17(12), e0273491.

Miller, T.R., Waehrer, G.M., Oh, D.L., Bopari, S.P., Walker, S.O., Marques, S.S., & Burke Harris, N. (2020). Adult health burden and costs in California during 2013 associated with prior adverse childhood experiences. PLoS ONE 15(1), e0228019.

Narayan, A.J., Lieberman, A.F., & Masten, A.S. (2021). Intergenerational transmission and prevention of adverse childhood experiences (ACEs). Clinical Psychology Review 85, 101997.

Nelson, C.A., Bhutta, Z.A., Burke Harris, N., Danese, A., & Samara, M. (2020). Adversity in childhood is linked to mental and physical health throughout life. BMJ 371, 3048.

Oh, D.L., Jerman, P., Boparai, S.K.P., Koita, K., Briner, S., Bucci, M., & Burke Harris, N. (2018). Review of tools for measuring exposure to adversity in children and adolescents. Journal of Pediatric Health Care 32(6), 564-583.

Oh, D.L., Jerman, P., Marques, S.S., Koita, K., Boparai, S.K.P., Burke Harris, N., & Bucci, M. (2018). Systematic review of pediatric health outcomes associated with childhood adversity. BMC Pediatrics 18:83.

Renschler, T.S., Lieberman, A.F., Hernandez Dimmler, M., & Burke Harris, N. (2013). Trauma-focused child-parent psychotherapy in a community pediatric clinic: A cross-disciplinary collaboration. In: J.E. Bettmann & D.D. Friedman (Eds.), Attachment-Based Clinical Work with Children and Adolescents (p.115-140). New York: Springer.

Thakur, N., Hessler, D., Koita, K., Ye, M., Benson, M., Gilgoff, R., Bucci, M., Long, D., & Burke Harris, N. (2020). Pediatric Adverse Childhood Experiences and related life events screener (PEARLS) and health in a safety-net practice. Child Abuse & Neglect 108: 104685.

Waehrer, G.M., Miller, T.R., Marques, S.C.S., Oh, D.L., & Burke Harris, N. (2020). Disease burden of Adverse Childhood Experiences across 14 states. PLoS ONE 15(1), e0226134.

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When Carys was about three, I forced a dropper of antibiotics into her mouth to just get her to take it, so she would start to feel better. We were both tired and hangry and I didn’t see another path forward, when she was refusing something that I knew would help her. What other choice did I have?

My husband did see another path when he arrived home later that evening, and before she went to bed she willingly took a full dose of the medicine.

These kinds of situations come up often in parenting: where we’re trying to get our child to do something, perhaps even for their own health and safety, and they refuse. It can seem like the only path forward is to force them against their will – after all, we are doing this for their own good, right?

But what if there was another way to make these things happen that met your child’s needs for autonomy over their own bodies, and also met your needs for peace and ease and harmony and protection of their health and safety?

That’s what we’ll work through in today’s episode. We’ll look closely at the way consent is perceived in our culture, and how these messages are transmitted – in school, in peer groups, in movies and songs, and in our families.

I’m also introducing a new element into podcast episodes to help you put the ideas in the episode into practice. At the end of the episode I offer three suggestions for things you could try in your relationship with your own child – organized into mild, medium, and spicy options so you can step in at the level that feels right to you.

Trigger warning: I do discuss sexual assault in this episode. It might not be one you listen to with your children around, and if you have experienced sexual assault, please make sure you’re well resourced if you do choose to listen.

Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits

Are there times when your child doesn’t listen?

Do they stall, ignore you, refuse to do the things you ask…and then look you right in the eye while doing the thing you asked them NOT to do?

Do you feel disrespected when your child does these things – but have no idea what to do about it because the one thing you KNOW is that you don’t want to treat your child the same way your parents treated you?

If so, the Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits workshop will help.

Click the banner to learn more

Other episodes mentioned:

• 079: What is RIE?
• 084: The Science of RIE

Jump to highlights

00:54 Introducing today’s topic

05:24 Getting consent from babies through non-verbal cues

14:12 The existence of a rape culture that normalizes and trivializes sexual assault

16:55 Understanding consent beyond the typical script of cisgender heterosexual relationships

23:36 How distorted perceptions of feminism impact consent education

27:05 The importance of discussing consent beyond sexual situations

30:00 The lack of emphasis on consent in sex education standards and children’s exposure to problematic portrayals of sex in media

41:19 The importance of teaching consent from childhood to counter rape culture rooted in patriarchal norms

45:49 Practical steps for parents to promote consent with their children

49:18 Listener Cori’s experience underscores the importance of understanding a child’s needs, promoting autonomy, and building consent-based relationships from an early age

56:02 The conclusion suggests three options for implementing the ideas discussed in the episode

References

Beres, M.A. (2021). From ignorance to knowledge: Sexual consent and queer stories. Feminism & Psychology 32(2), 137-155.

Global News (2018, May 11). Asking your child if you can change their diaper raises them to know their consent matters: Expert. Author. Retrieved from: https://globalnews.ca/video/4202379/asking-your-child-if-you-can-change-their-diaper-raises-them-to-know-their-consent-matters-expert

Gupta, D. [@Neo_url] (2018, February 18). If you’ve ever tried to put your finger up a straight guy’s ass during sex, you’ll know that they actually understand ongoing consent, withdrawal of consent and sexual boundaries very well.  They act confused when it’s our bodies. [Tweet]. Retrieved from: https://www.reddit.com/r/TrollXChromosomes/comments/807c3m/for_the_guys_confused_about_consent/

Johnson, M., & Bennett, E. (2015, March). Everyday sexism: Australian women’s experiences of street harassment. The Australia Institute. Retrieved from: https://australiainstitute.org.au/wp-content/uploads/2020/12/Everyday_sexism_TAIMarch2015_0.pdf

Kettrey, H.K., Davis, A.J., & Liberman, J. (2021). “Consent is F#@king Required”: Hashtag feminism surrounding sexual consent in a culture of postfeminist contradictions. Social Media + Society October-December, 1-11.

Loick, D. (2019). “…as if it were a thing.” A feminist critique of consent. Constellations, 1-11.

McGuire, L. (2021). Creating cultures of consent: A guide for parents and educators. Lanham, MD: Rowman & Littlefield.

Mukhopadhyay, S. (2023, Jan 26). Justin Bieber no more holds rights to his music, sold for $200 million: Here’s why it’s the latest trend. Mint. Retrieved from: https://www.livemint.com/news/world/justin-bieber-no-more-holds-rights-to-his-music-sold-for-200-million-here-s-why-it-s-the-latest-trend-11674695521055.html

National Institute of Justice (2008, September 30). Most victims know their attacker. Author. Retrieved from: https://nij.ojp.gov/topics/articles/most-victims-know-their-attacker

News.com.au (2019, May 11). Commentator mocked for saying parents should ask babies for consent to nappy change. Author. Retrieved from: https://www.news.com.au/lifestyle/parenting/kids/commentator-mocked-for-saying-parents-should-ask-babies-for-consent-to-nappy-change/news-story/6f3c45120ef9de5dee3df81621715c1b

Padilla-Walker, L.M., McLean, R.D., Ogles, B., & Pollard, B. (2020). How do parents teach “No means no”? An exploration of how sexual consent beliefs are socialized during adolescence. The Journal of Sex Research 57(9), 1122-1133.

Popova, M. (2019). Sexual consent. Boston: MIT.

RAINN (2023). Victims of sexual violence: Statistics. Author. Retrieved from: https://www.rainn.org/statistics/victims-sexual-violence

Rutherford, A. (2018, September 17). What the origins of the ‘1 in 5’ statistic teaches us about sexual assault policy. Behavioral Scientist. Retrieved from: https://behavioralscientist.org/what-the-origins-of-the-1-in-5-statistic-teaches-us-about-sexual-assault-policy/#:~:text=Referring%20to%20the%20number%20of,prevent%2C%20and%20prosecute%20sexual%20assault.

Tarvis, C. (1989). Anger: The misunderstood emotion (Revised Ed.). Chicago: Touchstone.

Willis, M., Jozkowski, K.N., & Read, J. (2019). Sexual consent in K-12 sex education: An analysis of current health education standards in the United States. Sex Education 19(2), 226-236.

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When I saw that our 200th episode was coming up, I knew I wanted to do something special to celebrate. Listeners called in with questions for me for our 100th episode, which was released in September 2019. The numbering is a bit fuzzy, I have to admit – we’re actually well over 200 episodes because there have been an assortment of Sharing Your Parenting Mojo conversations with parents and other folks that use a different numbering system, but whatever. It’s still a milestone😊

Back then, I was just getting into exploring big social justice issues on the podcast. Early in 2020 I did two episodes on how patriarchy affects our parenting, followed by an extended series on the intersection of race and parenting, and several episodes on advertising and consumerism.

We learned a lot about sex, and I started what has become a series of ‘deconstructed’ episodes where I examine an idea that is usually assumed to be ‘the way it is,’ and find out that perhaps that isn’t the way it is after all. I looked at:

• How most of what we think we know about attachment theory is probably wrong
• Authoritative isn’t the best parenting ‘style’
• The current darling of anyone working on mental health, Polyvagal theory, is most likely a myth (although it may still be a somewhat useful myth)

In June of 2022, in preparation for a pair of episodes on supporting neurodivergent parents and children, I interviewed Dr. Hanna Bertilsdotter-Rosqvist, who is autistic, to test out the autism screener. I wasn’t expecting it to return a positive result for me, ultimately resulting in a self-diagnosis that, of course, I shared in an episode. Lots of listeners reached out after that one to offer gratitude, and one message I will carry for a long time said something like: “I always conceptually knew that neurodivergent people have value but it wasn’t until I heard how your autism helps you to process all of this information for us that I truly got it.”

So given that you’ve heard a lot from and about me over the last few years, I thought a natural next step would be to offer listeners the option of asking my husband Alvin anything they wanted!

We received quite a few questions, and two listeners – iris, who has been around for many years, and Corrine who joined us more recently – stepped up to co-interview him. I was quite willing to throw him to the wolves and let him do the interview himself but he wanted me to be there, so I joined as well. (I should note that the conversation was scheduled for a week when some really hard things were happening in a community that I’m in, and my energy level was a bit low.)

Alvin has many amazing qualities but succinctness has never been among them, so unfortunately we only made it through about half of iris and Corrine’s questions, as well as those that listeners submitted. We did talk about:

• Alvin’s relationship with his own parents (who think we’re terrible parents to Carys);
• How we met (an inappropriate workplace relationship!);
• How Carys is similar to/different from us;
• What I was like before I started the podcast compared to now;
• How Alvin has changed over the last 10 years, as a person and as a parent – and how he’s deepening his relationship with Carys using Your Parenting Mojo’s tools

We plan to come back for round two in the future!

Here are a couple of things we talked about on the episode:

• A somewhat difficult-to-see picture of Alvin with long bleached hair
• My guides to hiking the Tour du Mont Blanc with a baby

Jump to highlights

00:42 Introduction to this episode

00:55 Guest hosts Iris and Corrine introduce themselves

06:54 Alvin shares the elevator pitch for his love story with Jen

15:18 Jen’s qualities that drew Alvin to her

20:42 Alvin’s childhood and family interactions while growing up

27:17 Family conflicts arising from diverse approaches to meeting core needs, especially in Carys’s relationship with her grandparents

32:22 The changes (if any) in Jen’s personality and approach to parenting from before she started researching the topic to the present

37:28 Alvin’s reflection on the impact and significance of Your Parenting Mojo

43:51 The ways Carys differs from Jen and Alvin

47:14 The most significant shifts for Alvin as a parent and as a person.

57:56 Wrapping up the discussion

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Listener Rachel also reached out with some questions, and due to my book tour schedule it took us a little longer to get a call on the calendar, but eventually – on a day in Seattle when I also had a coaching call and two two-hour workshops based on the book – we made it happen.

Rachel’s questions go deeeep. She wanted to know:

• If there are ideas I logically know are the right ones to follow but I still have trouble doing it;
• How my parenting is evolving as Carys gets older (her own daughter is a year older than Carys);
• Whether I think my view of parenting is possible within the social and political systems in which we currently live.

Parenting Beyond Power

Do you want to change the way you parent and make a positive impact on your family and the world?

Parenting Beyond Power is your key to unlocking this transformative path.

Embrace a fresh parenting approach, nurturing collaborative and harmonious connections with your children, all while contributing to a more inclusive and equitable world for all.

So don’t hesitate – start transforming your parenting journey today, and grab your copy of Parenting Beyond Power now to get started! Click the banner to learn more.

Taming Your Triggers

Do you often find yourself caught in the whirlwind of your child’s challenging behavior?

Are you seeking ways to foster calm and connection in your parenting journey, even during the most trying moments?

Look no further—Taming Your Triggers will help.

If you:

• Often feel triggered by your child’s difficult behavior…
• Want to find out how to get your child to stop doing the thing that drives you up the wall
• Know you want to respond calmly to your child but can’t seem to do it in the moment…
• Want to parent with love and connection even on the most stressful days
• Feel like gentle parenting techniques won’t ‘work’ with your child

Then Taming Your Triggers is for you.

This workshop will empower you with the tools, insights, and support to navigate the ups and downs of parenting with confidence. It helps in all relationships – spouses and parents/in-laws too!

Join the waitlist to get notified when doors reopen.

Jump to highlights

01:20  Introducing today’s guest and topic

03:51  Rachel asks how the content of Parenting Beyond Power differs from that of the podcast

07:19  Rachel appreciates the comprehensiveness of the book and asks if there will be another on the topic of Taming Your Triggers.

07:56  Jen recommends a related book and emphasizes the value of community support for deep inner work in changing reactions to triggers.

08:46  Rachel asks whether power is inherently bad, specifically in the context of parents having power.

14:01  Jen warns against using parental power to control love and belonging through conditional rewards, leading to an unhealthy dynamic with children.

15:12  Rachel asks Jen about personal struggles applying podcast principles, questioning if difficulties persist despite knowing they’re right.

19:32  Jen emphasizes recognizing resistance in both children and adults and discusses the trifecta of frustration, anger, and resentment as indicators of unmet needs for parents and children.

21:39  Jen discusses how she reconciles being research-based when acknowledging the biases in the research.

26:42  Rachel asks how Jen measures success.

28:18  They explore whether it’s reasonable to ask parents, especially White parents, to challenge societal norms and emphasize the collective responsibility to confront and dismantle systems rooted in White supremacy.

32:28  The conversation mentions the overrepresentation of participants with one or two children, speculating on political leanings. Jen affirms her parenting approach’s relevance for families with more children.

36:00  Jen talks about her hopes for readers and what she wants them to take away from the book.

39:33  Rachel acknowledges understanding the book’s emphasis on building a better society through individual change.

40:23  Wrapping up the discussion

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A couple of years ago I was watching a session of the Alliance for Self-Directed Education‘s online conference by unschooling advocate Idzie Desmerais. At some point she dropped a quote into her presentation that I jotted down but didn’t think much of at the time:

What if your ideas about politics were just your ideas about childhood, extrapolated?

I returned to my notes some months later, having spent much of that time immersed in writing the first draft of the book, the quote almost took my breath away. There, right in front of me, was a single sentence that encapsulated so much of what I’d been thinking and writing about.

On the surface, it may seem as though these topics are completely unrelated but they are actually intimately connected.

We use politics set up systems that support the culture we want to live in.

We create systems that make it harder to vote because we don’t think everyone should be able to vote – especially if you aren’t White, male, or at least middle class.

We abolish Affirmative Action in college admissions because we think everyone has the same basic chance to succeed, so there’s no reason to support some more than others.

Government policies establish the conditions of capitalism – like manipulating interest rates, regulating companies’ ability to engage in certain business practices, and offering tax cuts for activities we collectively think are good, which ends up transferring wealth from people with less money who rent, to people with more money who buy homes.

And we shape them to try to ensure their success in these systems.

If we believe that people should basically take care of themselves rather than relying on support from others, since we all have equal skills and freedoms, then we’re probably going to raise children who do things for themselves without relying on other people.

If we see that boys get punished for ‘being soft’ and that girls get punished for expressing big ideas (Clementine Ford’s Boys Will Be Boys, which discusses online take-downs of women who express ideas, is one of the most depressing books I’ve ever read), then we’re probably going to raise boys who don’t express weakness, or girls who express big ideas. (Little ideas are OK…but nothing that could rock the boat too much.)

If we think that there are limited resources in the world and our child has to get their place in school, university, employment or someone else will, then we’re going to work to get our child ahead in that system.

And because all of those systems out in the world rely on one person or group’s power over another person or group, we practice that at home as well.

In this provocative episode, Dr. Toby Rollo explains in-depth how our ideas about politics are our ideas about childhood, extrapolated. Yes, it’s theoretical…but we also discuss what this means for OUR real children in OUR real families.

Parenting Beyond Power

Do you want to change the way you parent and make a positive impact on your family and the world?

Parenting Beyond Power is your key to unlocking this transformative path.

Embrace a fresh parenting approach, nurturing collaborative and harmonious connections with your children, all while contributing to a more inclusive and equitable world for all.

So don’t hesitate – start transforming your parenting journey today, and grab your copy of Parenting Beyond Power now to get started! Click the banner to learn more.

Jump to highlights

00:42 Introduction to today’s guest and topic

02:16 The definition of children and childhood

04:58 The historical shift from a protective view of childhood to a modern perspective emphasizing children’s progression toward becoming adults and citizens

10:55 The developmental view of childhood is criticized for biases, as it deems non-Western governance as inferior.

16:23 Dr. Toby Rollo challenges the Western perspective on political agency, seeing children as political agents.

20:38 Dismantling racism and patriarchy requires challenging early patterns of oppression in adult-child relationships

30:50 Advocating for a change in society’s focus to better empower children and families

37:12 Exploring the link between political ideologies and ideas about childhood

45:12 Dr. Rollo suggests conventional school success doesn’t guarantee overall well-being and advocates for fostering children’s internal motivation and self-awareness.

54:00 Wrapping up the discussion

References

Araujo, E., Ferretti, F., Ince, A., Moason, K., Mullenite, J., Pickerill, J., Rollo, T., & White, R.J. (2017). Beyond electoralism: Reflections on anarchy, populism, and the crisis of electoral politics. ACME: An International E-Journal for Critical Geographies 16(4), 607-642.

Brito Vieira, M., Jung, T., Gray, S.W.D., & Rollo, T. (2019). The nature of silence and its democratic possibilities. Contemporary Political Theory 18, 424-447.

Rollo, T. (2016). Everyday deeds: Enactive protest, exit, and silence in deliberative systems. Political Theory 45(5), 587-609.

Rollo, T. (2016). Democracy, agency, and radical children’s geographies. In: R.J. White, S. Springer, and Lopes de Sousa, M.: The Practice of Freedom: Anarchism, Geography, and the Spirit of Revolt (Vol. 3) (p.235-255). Lanham, MD: Rowman & Littlefield

Rollo, T. (2018). Feral children: Settler colonialism, progress, and the figure of the child. Settler Colonial Studies 8(1), 60-79.

Rollo, T. (2018). The color of childhood: The role of the child/human binary in the production of anti-Black racism. Journal of Black Studies 49(4), 307-329.

Rollo, T. (2020). Women and Children First! Childhood, Feminisms, and the Co-emancipatory Model. Turbulent Times, Transformational Possibilities?: Gender and Politics Today and Tomorrow, 199.

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This is the first in a series of ‘back to basics’ episodes here on the show, where we’ll look at the everyday challenges you’re facing as a parent. (Have an idea for an episode? Share it on this thread in our free Facebook group, send us a max 2 minute video of you saying your question, or click here to record an audio message for me…)

I’d wanted to do an episode on the use of reward & punishment systems in classrooms for a while, and when I mentioned this to my community manager Denise, she immediately started telling me all about the systems in her children’s classrooms. So Denise sent me her questions, and we chatted through the research-based answers in this episode.

To make it easier for you to start a conversation at your school about rewards and punishment systems, I’ve created a one page ‘cheat sheet’ for you to share with others. Just click the image below to download it!

Jump to highlights

01:26 Introducing today’s guest and topic

03:16 Denise delves into her decision to opt for public school, specifically the factors that led her to choose the particular school she did over other available options

07:53 Denise shares her experiences related to rewards and punishments prompted her to discuss this episode

14:51 Positive Behavior Intervention and Support (PBIS) is explored, with the discussion touching on concerns about potential humiliation and conflicting principles in behavior management systems

25:50 Behavior issues result from the coercive U.S. education system, where teachers may prioritize quiet classrooms over addressing problems, potentially hindering genuine student learning.

27:14 Ways to foster kids’ intrinsic motivation in light of the prevalent use of extrinsic motivation in the classroom are explored

32:22 Self-determination theory and its application in this context is discussed

35:44 Strategies to prevent burnout for children are explored, considering their substantial time in school, with a focus on identifying warning signs of any diminishing effectiveness in current approach.

44:32 Addressing racialized parents’ support of the system involves recognizing privilege and having delicate conversations to advocate for change

53:33 Identify and address barriers like childcare and transportation to make parental involvement more accessible and effective in the community.

55:03 Fostering a culture of autonomy, connectedness, and competence in the classroom requires understanding and meeting the diverse needs of students and teachers, building genuine connections, and addressing concerns to create a community of care and love in the learning environment.

01:04:32 Understanding individual needs and values is crucial when considering educational choices.

01:09:58 Wrapping up

References

Adams, D. (2015). Implementation of school-wide Positive Behavior Supports in the Neoliberal Context in an Urban Elementary School. Unpublished doctoral dissertation, Syracuse University.

Bornstein, J. (2017). Can PBIS build justice rather than merely restore order? In The School to Prison Pipeline: The Role of Culture and Discipline in School (p.135-167). Retrieved from: http://dx.doi.org/10.1108/S2051-231720160000004008

Bornstein, J. (2017). Entanglements of discipline, behavioral intervention, race, and disability. Journal of Cases in Educational Leadership 20(2), 131-144.

Bornstein, J. (2015). “If they’re on Tier I, there are really no concerns that we can see:” PBIS medicalizes compliant behavior. Journal of Ethnographic & Qualitative Research 9, 247-267.

Calais, J., & Green, M. (2022). The racial pandemic: Positive Behavior Intervention Support as an asymptomatic carrier of racism. Perspectives on Early Childhood Psychology and Education 6(1), Article 4.

Compise, Karin D. (2019). Student perceptions of the clip chart management system. Unpublished doctoral dissertation, University of the Pacific, Stockton, CA.

Kim, R.M., & Venet, A.S. (2023). Unsnarling PBIS and Trauma-Informed Education. Urban Education 1-29. DOI: 10.1177/00420859231175670

Kowalski, M.J., & Froiland, J.M. (2020). Parent perceptions of elementary classroom management systems and their children’s motivational and emotional responses. Social Psychology of Education 23, 433-448.

Lewis, T. J., & Sugai, G. (1999). Effective behavior support: A systems approach to proactive School wide management. Focus on Exceptional Children, 31(6), 1-24.

Noddings, N. (2005). The challenge to care in schools. New York: Teacher’s College Press.

Robbins, C.G., & Kovalchuk, S. (2012). Dangerous disciplines: Understanding pedagogies of punishment in the neoliberal states of America. Journal of Pedagogy 3, 198-218.

Shalaby, C. (2017). Troublemakers: Lessons in freedom from young children at school. New York: The New Press.

Williamson, B. (2017). Decoding ClassDojo: Psychopolicy, social-emotional learning, and persuasive educational technologies. Learning, Media and Technology 42(4), 440-453.

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Hunter Clarke-Fields is back with us again! She’s the author of Raising Good Humans, and now the new book Raising Good Humans Every Day (affiliate links).

Why does the world need two books with such similar titles? Are they even different?!

Yes, they are! Raising Good Humans Every Day is small! And short! And the chapters are short! Each one contains just one practice, described in a few pages.

If you’ve got five minutes you can read a chapter and then put the idea into practice immediately.

Use it, see some success, and get inspired for the next one.

Short, simple, and sweet. Can’t beat that!

Hunter Clarke-Fields’ books:

Raising Good Humans

Raising Good Humans Every Day  (affiliate links)

Jump to Highlights

00:43   Introducing Hunter Clarke-Fields

01:46   Hunter’s reasons for writing a second book with a title so much like their first one

03:29   Why controlling our children and have them control themselves doesn’t work effectively

06:54   The need to shift from rewards and punishments to teaching and guiding children in understanding consequences and needs

09:18   The benefits of connection-based parenting

12:58   Reflecting on parenting experiences: gratitude and regrets

16:25   Exploring Hunter’s upbringing as a highly sensitive child 

21:47   Navigating parenting a highly sensitive child with insights coming from Hunter’s own experiences

24:39   The importance of being authentic with children and openly sharing challenges as a parent

26:29   Parenting with heartfelt intention and presence

31:01   Embracing the importance of being present with children and practicing mindfulness in a fast-paced society

38:14   Asking for community support to be a better parent

42:24   Embracing a beginner’s mind to counter judgment and remain open to possibilities

45:14   Wrapping up

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Do you ever feel triggered by your partner’s behavior?

(No? Just me? 😬)

Many parents who join the Taming Your Triggers workshop sign up for help navigating their children’s behavior…and then once they’re inside they confess that their partner’s behavior is even more triggering than their child’s.

As you might imagine, many of the participants in the Taming Your Triggers workshop are women. (Classic patriarchy at work: caregiving is women’s work, and so is managing the emotional climate of the family, so why does a male partner in a cisgender, heterosexual relationship need to bother?)

So I’ve been especially glad to see that more and more men are taking the workshop – and last time around we also had several couples participating together.

Elizabeth and Marshall are physical therapists who travel and work to pay off their student loan debt. They had a three-year-old, and then became unexpectedly pregnant – with twins!

Both Elizabeth and Marshall had fairly typical middle class childhoods…they had enough with out being rich, but underneath the veneer that ‘everything’s fine’ lurked disconnection from parents, unexpressed anger, and mental illness – as well as the societal messages of getting out of debt and preparing for retirement.

Elizabeth had no idea she had anger issues until she became a parent. Suddenly she felt both anger and shame about her anger, not understanding that the anger was wrapped up in her childhood.

Since Elizabeth and Marshall have organized their entire lives around paying off their student loan debt, it was hard to commit to spending money on not just one but two enrollments in Taming Your Triggers. Up to that point, Elizabeth often felt she was the one doing the work and dragging Marshall along…but he saw how important this was to her, and went all-in alongside her.

They’ve noticed profound shifts in their capacity to be with their children – as well as with each other.

Elizabeth knows not just in her head but in her body that it’s OK to be in uncomfortable situations and not fix everything immediately.

She talked with her mom about a shame-filled situation from her childhood that Elizabeth thought she would “take to her grave” – and now the issue doesn’t impact her anymore.

Marshall is able to let go of problems that used to really bother him, and engages the children in using the concepts from the workshop.

They can work through the challenges they’re facing, both as a couple and as parents. Their now have the space for conversations about their parenting values, instead of just reacting to the latest emergency.

Elizabeth wrote to me that it’s taken a long time for her to realize that investing in parenting education is just as important as paying for good food. She’s shifted her mindset by realizing that:

If you’re a man reading this, we’d love to see you in the workshop. You won’t be alone, and we may be able to create a men-only discussion space for you. (I know it can be hard to talk about things like anger issues with women around.)

If you’re a woman in a cis-het partnership, you can absolutely participate alone – and you’ll learn a LOT. Most people do it this way.

But you’ll get even more out of it when you and your partner are on the same page. Marshall says:

Hear Elizabeth and Marshall describe the work they’ve been doing – and how it has helped – in this new episode.

Ready to break free from the cycle of triggered reactions and conflict in your parenting journey?

If you want to:

😟 Be triggered less often by your child’s behavior,

😐 React from a place of compassion and empathy instead of anger and frustration,

😊 Respond to your child from a place that’s aligned with your values rather than reacting in the heat of the moment,

the Taming Your Triggers workshop will help you make this shift.

Join us to transform conflict into connection and reclaim peace in your parenting journey.

Click the banner to learn more!

Jump to highlights

01:20   Introducing today’s topic

01:47   Elizabeth and Marshall introduce themselves and their family

04:00   They talk about experiencing burnout from continuously helping others in their profession.

06:06   The couple discussed how their upbringing influenced their parenting style.

11:27   They shared about their experience with going through the Taming Your Triggers program together and how they decided to do it.

16:52   Marshall explains why parenting is hard for them

23:24   The couple talks about how parenting has improved over the past few months.

28:20   Elizabeth talks about how her perspective on her relationship with her mother changed.

41:47   The couple share their experience with AccountaBuddies

48:03   Jen encourages couples to take the program together, believing it creates a shared experience and language for improving their relationship dynamics.

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In this short episode, I’m going to teach you a real, legit, bona fide magic trick.

And unlike most magic tricks which rely on sleight of hand to convince you of something that has happened when it really hasn’t, this one actually works. It helps you to see that things are not as bad as they seem, and that you can cope, even when things feel incredibly difficult and that you’re failing as a parent.

I asked four listeners to help me explain the concept to you, and how it has helped them, and one even went above and beyond and did a live demo for us!

Then I walk you through it step by step, so you can use it when you need it later.

Ready to break free from the cycle of triggered reactions and conflict in your parenting journey?

If you want to:

😟 Be triggered less often by your child’s behavior,

😐 React from a place of compassion and empathy instead of anger and frustration,

😊 Respond to your child from a place that’s aligned with your values rather than reacting in the heat of the moment,

the Taming Your Triggers workshop will help you make this shift.

Join us to transform conflict into connection and reclaim peace in your parenting journey.

Click the banner to learn more!

Jump to highlights

00:43 Introducing today’s topic

02:04 Words can influence our perceptions.

04:02 Anne shares three instances where questioning negative thoughts helped in avoiding unnecessary worry and misunderstandings.

09:46 Elizabeth, a Parenting Membership member for two years, highlights how Jen’s advice, using the phrase “I am having the thought that…,” helped her cope with a challenging parenting situation.

11:54 Melissa used self-compassion and questioning negative thoughts to find self-compassion and regain confidence.

13:11 Melissa highlights the core aspect of the “magic trick” by framing these thoughts as “I’m thinking” rather than absolute truths.

14:46 Jen calls listeners to try a mindful exercise where “I’m thinking that…” is added before self-judgments or judgments about others.

20:20 Adding “I’m thinking that…” before judgments can foster understanding, compassion, and better relationships, as demonstrated by Jen’s dishwasher experience.

25:07 Nicole shares how her meditation practice led her to explore the concept of not believing everything she thinks

27:47 Recognizing our perspective isn’t the only truth can help us shift from self-centered thinking when hurt by someone.

28:36 The concept of not believing everything we think promotes a balanced perspective on our life stories.

Other episodes referenced

• 113: No Self, No Problem
• 141: The Body Keeps The Score with Dr. Bessel van der Kolk
• 175: I’ll be me; can you be you?
• SYPM 014: The power of healing in community

Reference

Loftus, E., & Palmer, J.C. (1974). Reconstruction of automobile destruction: An example of the interaction between language and memory. Journal of Verbal Learning and Verbal Behavior 13(5), 585-589.

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Parenting Beyond Power is officially available today! Come join a mini-celebration with me in this podcast episode, and TODAY on Zoom at 11am Pacific/2pm Eastern/8pm Central Europe, and in-person this weekend if you’re in the Bay Area!

Do you celebrate your achievements? I don’t know about you, but I find it pretty difficult.

I didn’t celebrate getting into Berkeley or Yale, or graduating from either of those places either (in fact, I think I was in the car driving away from each of those places when the graduation ceremonies happened).

I didn’t celebrate getting U.S. citizenship, or have a baby shower, and Alvin and Carys buy or make me a birthday cake every year because they want to, but I don’t really celebrate that either.

I didn’t celebrate signing a book deal two years ago, and when we rolled over 3 million downloads recently I asked someone on my team to make a quick social post…and that was it.

So celebrating the book’s launch feels…weird to me. But apparently people who write books do it, so I’m giving it a try – Jen style.

I invited a listener, María José (MJ) Durán, to ask me whatever questions she had about the book and the writing process for a mini-celebration.

(I did slip in a couple of questions for her as well, and I have to say that her response to me asking what she got out of the book was really meaningful for me – she now understands her own Mom in a way she hadn’t been able to until now, which has brought María José (MJ) Durán some measure of relief.)

Come join one of our mini-celebrations! Listen to the podcast episode today!

Jump to Highlights

00:43   Introduction to today’s episode

04:13   What sets Parenting Beyond Power apart for long-time podcast listeners and Parenting Membership members

05:01   What Jen wants to accomplish in writing Parenting Beyond Power

08:56  How the needs cupcake came about

11:38    How Jen came up with the book’s title

14:26  María José (MJ) Durán shares a positive change in setting boundaries with her daughter and questions why the same advice, given a year apart, yielded such different results

21:58   How the book addresses common parenting challenges

35:18   Jen’s perspective on neurodiversity in the context of the book’s approach

41:01   The importance of addressing privilege and White supremacy in parenting

46:10   The feasibility of meeting everyone’s needs in society

52:30   Wrapping up

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One of the questions I’m asked most often about Parenting Beyond Power (preorder bonuses are available for just a few more days!) is:

So when a group of listeners volunteered to get together to discuss what they got out of the book, that was the first thing I wanted to ask them.

The core premise of the book is that the social forces of White supremacy, patriarchy, and capitalism have really hurt us – they’re the biggest reason why we feel so much pain and shame. And we will pass on those hurts to our own children unless we do something different – and most of the book is about what we actually do differently to make parenting easier today, and work toward creating a world where everyone belongs.

Eliza began:

Kat added:

Elizabeth concluded:

We talked about the needs cupcake, and how we can use that to understand the needs that both we and our children are trying to meet on a regular basis. Eliza found that she’s able to be more regulated by managing the level of sound around her – which she hadn’t realized was a ‘cherry’ need for her until now!

Eliza coached Elizabeth through a struggle she’s having with her daughter not wanting to go to bed, and Kat talked through a beautiful story of how she’s supporting her children, who have been fighting with each other a LOT. Now they fight a lot less, because their needs are met more often. We’re lucky that we heard Kat share that story before her phone battery died!

Parenting Beyond Power

The wait is over! I’m thrilled to announce that Parenting Beyond Power is now available for you to explore.

Discover practical insights and fresh perspectives that can make a positive difference in your parenting journey.

Click the banner to get Parenting Beyond Power today:

Jump to Highlights

00:43 Introduction to the podcast

02:04 Guests introduce themselves

05:00 Longtime participants discuss how the book differs from the podcast and other resources, emphasizing its unique value.

08:05 Participants share their the tools they learned from the book and any resulting parenting changes.

08:48 Elizabeth applies book tools like problem-solving conversations and the needs cupcake diagram, but grapples with addressing her daughter’s need for community during bedtime routines.

11:46 Elisa and Elizabeth discuss adapting bedtime routines to balance tasks and the daughter’s need for connection.

16:13 Jen offers suggestions for Elizabeth on meeting her child’s needs while setting her boundaries.

19:26 Kat shares her struggle with boundary-setting due to being a people-pleaser, aiming to create a boundary-respecting environment for her children. 

21:17 Elisa finds the “needs cupcake” concept valuable in recognizing and addressing recurring needs for herself and her children.

27:14 Kat applies the “needs cupcake” concept to understand her children’s primary needs, enabling her to address conflicts more effectively, encourage problem-solving discussions, and redirect behaviors towards meeting those needs.

38:58 They highlight the significance of acknowledging and addressing unique family needs, challenging gender norms in parenting, and prioritizing the fulfillment of needs for both children and parents to cultivate positive relationships.

43:08 Participants discuss their ongoing journey of personal growth and parenting transformation, highlighting the significance of self-compassion and aligning actions with values.

48:10 Elisa asks about potential content that wasn’t included in the book, and Jen explains the challenge of balancing content while emphasizing the importance of practical tools. 

50:48 Jen underscores the significance of consistent efforts based on personal values rather than perfection, emphasizing the uniqueness of every parent-child interaction.

53:15 Jen wraps up as she reflects on the question of whether parenting is easy. 

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Do you try to give your children messages about gender that are aligned with your values? Do you tell your daughter that she can do anything she wants to do, and look for shows that have equal representation of male- and female-presenting characters?

If so, you’re off to a good start.

And…there’s so much more to do.

One of the core ideas in my book, Parenting Beyond Power, is that we parents pass cultural messages on to our children. We do that through the books we read, the actions we praise, and the conversations we have (or don’t have).

I don’t censor the books I’m reading to Carys – we just talk about them. Right now we’re reading Wild Born, Book 1 of the Spirit Animals collection. (I did check to make sure that the concept of ‘spirit animals’ isn’t disrespectful to Indigenous people…it turns out it’s a concept that White people made up, and it’s only disrespectful if we try to link it to Indigenous practices.)

Here’s an excerpt from the beginning of Chapter 3:

“Meilin sat on a cushion before her looking glass, meticulously applying facial paint. She didn’t mind letting her handmaidens prepare her for festivals or banquets. But today was important. Today she wanted to look just right. And when you wanted something done right, you did it yourself.

After finishing the accents around her eyes, Meilin inspected her handiwork. It was a work of art atop a work of art. People always remarked that she was stunning. She had never needed paint on her face to earn compliments. But now she possessed an allure beyond her natural beauty.”

It goes on to describe the strategic imperfection in her hair that made it “more appealing,” and then she practices the looks she will display during her ceremony.

There’s a lot going on here… It starts with the White supremacy-based idea that if you want something done right you can never rely on others but only do it yourself. (This book seems to be primarily about relationships, so I assume it’s marketed to girls. And we wonder where women and mothers get the idea that they have to do it all themselves if we want it done right?) The book opened with a male character who obviously cared a lot about his clothes who waited impatiently while a servant connected forty eight clasps.

No male character’s face is described in this level of detail. No male character puts paint on their face. No male character is introduced to the reader as an object to be looked upon with desire.

This is how cultural ideas are passed on.

This is how girls learn that being pretty has currency.

That it’s a girl’s job to create and use their appearance to manipulate others.

And if any boys happen to be reading, they learn that their job is to judge the performance.

These messages are harmful for all children, because they say that certain behaviors aren’t acceptable in certain children – for no other reason than it doesn’t match their genitals (of all things!).

What messages are your children learning about gender from the books you’re reading to them, or that they’re reading by themselves?

In this episode Virginia Mendez, author of Childhood Unlimited: Parenting Beyond the Gender Bias (affiliate link), helps us to see examples like this in books, films, toys, and even in the language we use around and toward our children.

Join me for this fun conversation with Virginia as we learn how to raise children who won’t be constrained by their gender, and who can express their full selves.

Virginia Mendez’s Book:

Childhood Unlimited: Parenting Beyond the Gender Bias (affiliate link)

Parenting Beyond Power

The wait is over! I’m thrilled to announce that Parenting Beyond Power is now available for you to explore.

Discover practical insights and fresh perspectives that can make a positive difference in your parenting journey.

Click the banner to get Parenting Beyond Power today:

Jump to highlights

00:39 Introduction of this episode’s topic and guest

01:28 Sex involves biological traits while gender is a diverse social identity that defies binary categorization.

04:01 Children’s gender differences are largely influenced by societal norms and upbringing.

09:11 Pink’s gender association shifted historically due to color symbolism, marketing, and cultural influences.

10:42 Despite some progress, children’s media retains subtle gender biases and stereotypes.

24:18 Embracing non-binary identities, using inclusive pronouns, and challenging traditional gender categories can promote a more respectful and inclusive society.

30:01 Virginia Mendez’s book highlights the societal constraints on children’s potential due to gender stereotypes.

43:15 Those new to the concept of non-binary identities should focus on cultivating awareness and curiosity about non-binary identities, while those already familiar can continue having open conversations with their children and encouraging exploration for an inclusive and understanding environment.

46:59 Embrace discomfort as a sign of personal growth and be open to adjusting to non-binary language and identities.

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In this episode we hear from listener Lindsay who wonders whether it’s safe to delay math learning, since (they’ve heard) there’s a ‘critical window’ for learning language.

Would delaying math learning mean that our child can’t catch up later? Will they develop a negative view of their own learning? What if they can’t get into college? We address all of these questions and more.

Learning Membership

Do you want to turn your child’s interests into learning opportunities? The Learning Membership is here to help you. Make learning a fun adventure that not only strengthens your bond, but also nurtures your child’s intrinsic love of learning—an essential foundation for success in an AI-driven world.

Get tools and strategies to support your child’s love of learning and future-proof their success in navigating whatever comes their way. No special skills needed—just a willingness to explore alongside them.

Join the waitlist now. All the usual stuff applies – sliding scale pricing, money-back guarantee.

Click the banner to learn more!

Jump to highlights

01:10 Listener Lindsay asks the question, “How safe is it to neglect math education until your child shows some kind of interest in wanting to do it?”

01:48 Jen gives her academic history in math and admits to applying problem-solving strategies without full comprehension.

07:44 The critical period for learning seen in animal research also applies to children with severe language deprivation during early months.

08:51 The critical period for language development and second language acquisition is questioned in relation to math learning.

12:58 Sudbury School’s anecdotal evidence suggests children can learn math quickly when motivated, sparking questions about early teaching, fostering a love of learning, and the impact on future opportunities.

15:54 Emphasizing intrinsic motivation over forced comparisons in math fosters self-awareness, more vital for a fulfilling life than specific skills.

19:31 Cognitively Guided Instruction values children’s math knowledge, encourages pattern exploration, and validates individual methods, fostering a deeper understanding of math concepts.

22:09 Fostering children’s intuitive understanding of math through collaborative learning and self-developed algorithms is a powerful approach.

24:01 Don’t worry about formal math instruction; children will naturally develop their own strategies and algorithms when provided with a supportive learning environment.

References

Singleton, D., & Lesniewska, J. (2021). The critical period hypothesis for L2 acquisition: An unfalsifiable embarrassment? Languages 6(3), 149.

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When you listen to this episode you may get a bit of a sense of deja vu – way back in 2020, listener Kelly reached out to me and asked if I would be willing to do an episode on parental burnout, which she was struggling to navigate at the time. We ended up interviewing Dr. Moira Mikolajczak, one of the world’s experts on parental burnout.

After the conversation Dr. Mikolajczak expressed to me how much her heart went out to Kelly, who was navigating what seemed like an individual-level problem when it was actually very much our society’s failure to support her that created the problem. Having explored the connection between race and parenting in a series of episodes the previous year, ideas were definitely percolating for me about how societal issues show up in our families which is, of course, a massive theme in my book.

So it was so amazing to see Kelly recently in a much better place, reflecting on the connections between her school-based learning and her burnout, and how she’s taking steps to help her child learn lessons she thinks are truly important, like how to:

• Think critically about messages she receives from other people;
• See multiple people’s needs in an interaction, and find ways to meet both of their needs;
• Learn about the world immediately around her (which often involves Kelly backing off andnot doing anything, rather than stepping in to teach a lesson).

Kelly’s children are certainly learning profound lessons in this process – but so is Kelly. I’m not sure I’ve ever seen anyone so delighted to say that she’s thrown out a puzzle book that still had three un-done puzzles in that she didn’t want to do, having (finally) learned that it’s OK not to finish every single thing you start. Because not being able to do that can lead to burnout.

Learning Membership

Do you want to turn your child’s interests into learning opportunities? The Learning Membership is here to help you. Make learning a fun adventure that not only strengthens your bond, but also nurtures your child’s intrinsic love of learning—an essential foundation for success in an AI-driven world.

Get tools and strategies to support your child’s love of learning and future-proof their success in navigating whatever comes their way. No special skills needed—just a willingness to explore alongside them.

Click the banner to learn more!

Jump to highlights

01:26 Introduction to today’s topic

02:02 Kelly talks about her family.

02:34 In the Netherlands, Kelly (who later discovered she had ADHD) attended a non-religious public school, enjoyed learning despite feeling out of place, and found ways to stay engaged.

06:32 Kelly’s burnout was influenced by her tendency to prioritize meeting teachers’ expectations rather than pursuing genuine interest, the impact of ADHD on her learning experience, and the mismatch between her learning style and the educational system.

12:12 Before working with Jen, Kelly focused on academic subjects for her child’s learning, while also recognizing learning in everyday experiences, but found it challenging to be at home with the children all day due to energy limitations.

14:13 Kelly considered homeschooling but found that the strict regulations in the Netherlands, along with the lack of community support and limited options for activities during the day, made it extremely difficult.

15:25 Kelly engages in discussions with her daughter about the school system, emphasizes meeting individual needs, and recognizes her advanced learning beyond the classroom.

23:33 Kelly, a member of the Learning Membership, engages in informal and organic learning explorations with her children.

30:37 Kelly’s perspective has shifted, realizing that she doesn’t have to finish everything and can find alternative approaches that work for her and her family.

35:19 Kelly feels more relaxed and confident in her role as a parent, allowing her child to learn from mistakes and pursue their own interests, while also engaging in important discussions about diversity and the environment to prepare her child for adulthood.

39:11 Kelly advises parents to have faith in their child’s learning, embrace peace and calm, enjoy their child’s curiosity, and play along with their exploration for their happiness and growth as individuals and good citizens.

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Listener Kelsey posted in the Your Parenting Mojo Facebook community a while ago asking how she should respond when her child asks: “Why does Daddy have to go to work?” She got some great answers from community members…and yet there was also a lot more to explore. I asked her to record her question so I could answer it in an episode, so here it is!

Of course, the issue of Daddy going to work has intersections with patriarchy as well…and many Your Parenting Mojo listeners of both/all genders work and probably hear this question from their children, so I adjusted the title of the episode a little.

The episode looks at capitalism and how it impacts our families and other peoples’ families…and how we can start to have conversations about that with our children.

If you’d like to ask a question for me to answer in a future Q&A episode, please email a link to a video of you asking the question to support@yourparentingmojo.com, or go to yourparentingmojo.com/question and look for the Record A Question button.

Jump to Highlights

00:58 Listener Kelsey asks how to honestly but age-appropriately answer the question, “Why does daddy have to go to work?”

02:54 Carys shares her ideas on capitalism and work

14:10 Kelsey’s child isn’t necessarily questioning why Daddy has to work, but rather why Daddy isn’t available to play

17:51 The cultural devaluation of certain types of work, the influence of capitalism, housing discrimination, and societal expectations contribute to financial burdens

23:32 Every time we’re making a choice to buy something, that is a choice to spend more time working

24:00 The mindset plays a significant role in finding joy and value in any job

25:16 Job satisfaction, financial security, and the role of money in addressing challenges and enhancing safety are crucial in deciding on work

27:26 Money doesn’t guarantee safety

30:11 Undervalued care work, predominantly performed by women, is crucial for the capitalist system.

31:47 Building communities that meet each other’s needs can provide more choices and reduce reliance on financial resources.

32:59 We can talk to our children about capitalism, explaining that work allows us to meet our needs and wants, while addressing the inequalities and challenges that some people face. 

35:14 Teaching children about capitalism and its objections fosters critical thinking about fairness, inequality, and alternative economic perspectives.

37:40 Teaching financial literacy to children should involve a critical examination of capitalist-focused programs

42:24 Wrapping up

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We talk a lot about meeting needs on the show. And mostly we focus on meeting your child’s needs, because when those are met then your needs for peace and ease and collaboration with your child get met as well.

But of course those are not your only needs. You also have needs independent of your relationship with your children, and you deserve to have these met. Mara Glatzel’s new book focuses squarely on your needs. Why is it so hard to understand what our needs are? How can we figure out what our needs are…before they explode out of us in a meltdown? And how can we get these met on a regular basis?

This episode will show you how to do that.

Jump to highlights:

01:20 Introduction of the guest – Mara Glatzel

02:20 Mara shares the story at the beginning of her book where she tells her personal reflection when she felt learned the importance of asserting one’s needs and the impact it has had on her  life and relationship

06:13 Mara differentiates needs from wants

09:47 The societal pressure to maintain a perfect and productive facade may just lead to burnout and a denial of our own humanity

13:31 It is important to recognize and identify  physical sensations, symptoms, and circumstances associated with burnout to prevent and reverse it

20:20 Setting boundaries with children allows parents to prioritize their own needs so they meet their children’s needs as well

24:49 Consistently pushing ourselves beyond our limits and striving for perfection sets us up for burnout

29:31 Prioritizing our own needs and well-being – even if it means doing things differently from others – is essential for sustainable productivity and a fulfilling life

34:37 It can be challenging to find the right balance between meeting our children’s needs and taking care of our own, but by modeling self-care, setting boundaries, and teaching them how to communicate their needs effectively, we can find ways to support each other

41:36 Balancing our commitment to creating positive change with prioritizing our own well-being is crucial, as our ability to make an impact is compromised if we neglect self-care

47:34 If we’re unable to deal with our own needs, we make our needs other people’s problems – and this impacts our relationships

50:55 Mara shares about finding joy in trying new activities and embracing the freedom of being a beginner while following personal interests

54:46 Wrapping up

Mara’s book:

Needy: How to advocate for your needs and claim your sovereignty (affiliate link)

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A lot of parents (and teachers) are concerned right now about children’s resilience. Will they ‘bounce back’ from the difficulties of the pandemic?

But is ‘bouncing back’ really the way we should be thinking about this? We have all been changed by the pandemic; shouldn’t we acknowledge this and see how we can be the best versions of ourselves, incorporating what we’ve been through over the last few years, rather than trying to ‘bounce back’ into what we were before (which frankly wasn’t all that amazing in a lot of cases, as we rushed from one thing to another with never any time for ourselves).

In this episode we also consider Black and Indigenous researchers’ perspectives on resilience, and see how their ideas can perhaps shift how we perceive resilience – and thus how we support our children.

Other episodes referenced

069: Reducing the impact of intergenerational trauma

140: Mythbusting about fat and BMI with Dr. Lindo Bacon

137: Psychological flexibility through ACT with Diana Hill

148: Is spanking a child really so bad?

098: Do school shooter trainings help (or hurt) children?

114: How to stop ‘othering’ and instead build ‘belonging’

074: Attachment: What it is, what it’s not, how to do it, and how to stop stressing about it

106: Patriarchy is perpetuated through parenting 

Jump to highlights:

01:10 Introduction

01:34 Defining resilience from various perspectives

03:16 Resilience requires exposure to some kind of threat or severe adversity

06:37 What a lack of resilience looks like and how to measure its absence

08:16 Measuring resilience in research

09:08 The challenge of defining ‘protective’ factor

10:00 The history of research on resilience

12:03 The importance allowing children to cope with mild stressors

14:40 The Indigenous resilience

17:17 The control and dominance of indigenous peoples in Canada achieved through education and immersion in settler culture

19:25 The importance of resilience culture in Indigenous communities

21:02 A model of resilience by Dr. Edith Grotberg

27:01 Resilience determined by the dominant culture’s expectations of normal, healthy, and good outcomes

30:08 The real purpose of resilience

32:18 What happens when a person isn’t deemed to be resilient and why that is

33:46 Resilience as a code for social compliance

38:59 What true resilience should be about (based on the story about the Claremont Counseling Center’s community building)

40:53 Wrapping up

References

Aranda, K., Zeeman, L., Scholes, J., & Morales, A. S-M. (2012). The resilient subject: Exploring subjectivity, identity and the body in narratives of resilience. Health 16(5), 548-563.

Block, P. (2008). Community: The structure of belonging. San Francisco: Berrett-Koehler.

Grotberg, E. (1995). A guide to promoting resilience in children: Strengthening the human spirit. Early Childhood Development: Practice and Reflections Number 8. Bernard van Leer Foundation.

Gutman, L.M. (2018). Risk and resilience. Reference Module in Neuroscience and Biobehavioral Psychology. https://doi.org/10.1016/B978-0-12-809324-5.21835-X

Henderson, J., & Denny, K. (2015). The resilient child, human development and the “postdemocracy.” BioSocieties 10(3), 352-378.

Hess, J. (2019). Moving beyond resilience education: Musical counterstorytelling. Music Education Research 1`(5), 488-502.

Kirmayer, L.J., Dandeneau, D., Marshall, E., Phillips, M.K., & Williamson, K.J. (2011). Rethinking resilience from an indigenous perspective. Canadian Journal of Psychiatry 56(2), 84-91.

Liu, J.J.W., Reed, M., & Girard, T.A. (2017). Advancing resilience: An integrative, multi-system mode of resilience. Personality and Individual Differences 111, 111-118.

Lopez, M., Ruiz, M.O., Rovnaghi, C.R., Tam, G.K-Y., Hiscox, J., Gotlib, I.H., Barr, D.A., Carrion, V.G., & Anand, K.J.S. (2021). The social ecology of childhood and early life adversity. Pediatric Research 89(2), 353-367.

Luthar, S.S., Cicchetti, D., & Becker, B. (2000). The construct of resilience: A critical evaluation and guidelines for future work. Child Development 71(3), 543-562.

Masten, A.S. (2001). Ordinary Magic: Resilience processes in development. American Psychologist 56(3), 227-238.

Masten, A.S.. (2021). Resilience in developmental systems: Principles, pathways, and protective processes in research and practice. In Ungar, M. (Ed.), Multisystemic resilience: Adaptation and transformation in contexts of change (p. 113-134). Oxford: Oxford University Press.

Masten, A.S., and Barnes, A.J. (2018). Resilience in children: Developmental perspectives. Children 5, 98.

McCalman, J., & Bainbridge, R. (2021). Indigenous education, well-being, and resilience – a systemic approach. In Ungar, M. (Ed.), Multisystemic resilience: Adaptation and transformation in contexts of change (p. 199-219). Oxford: Oxford University Press.

McGuire, P.D. (2010). Exploring resilience and indigenous ways of knowing. Pimatisiwin: A Journal of Aboriginal and Indigenous Community Health 8(2), 117-131.

Rutter, M. (2012). Resilience as a dynamic concept. Development and Psychopathology 24, 335-344.

Thomas, D., Mitchell, T., & Arseneau, C. (2015). Re-evaluating resilience: From individual vulnerabilities to the strength of cultures and collectivities among indigenous communities. Resilience 4(2), 116-129.

Traub, F., & Boynton-Jarrett, R. (2017). Modifiable resilience factors to childhood adversity for clinical pediatric practice. Pediatrics 139(5), e20162569

Solkoski, S.M., & Bullock, L.M. (2012). Resilience in children and youth: A review. Children and Youth Services Review 34, 2295-2303.

Wexler, L. (2013). Looking across three generations of Alaska Natives to explore how culture fosters indigenous resilience. Transcultural Psychiatry 51(1), 73-92.

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Do you sometimes wish your co-parent would join you on the respectful parenting journey you’re on?

Would things be easier if you were on the same page?

Does it seem like you try to convince them using all the research you’ve done respectful parenting…only to have them throw up the “I don’t think we have to make a big deal out of this” card?

Sarah and Declan had this dynamic in their relationship too.

Knowing each other well isn’t always enough

They met when they were 10 and have been together for 15 years, so they know each other pretty well.  They had even talked about their values before they got married, and found alignment on many of them.

But Declan is a psychologist working with children and families, so he got the Big Veto.  (It turns out that psychology training focuses on evidence-based strategies to change behavior…which isn’t that hard to do with rewards and punishments.  I think a lot of psychologists show up in my programs because they realize that “evidence-based” doesn’t necessarily mean “good for us” or “aligned with my values”).

Sarah was struggling with the transition from two to three children, along with Declan’s full-time work, her own part-time work, and a major home renovation – they haven’t had a functional kitchen in two years.Sarah knew she needed more support…but Declan wasn’t sure.  Until he realized that when you’re on a team, you don’t tell an injured player to suck it up.  You can’t tell the parent who is struggling to figure it out by themselves.  We all have a role to play in a family that meets everyone’s needs.

A way to repair ruptures that meets both of their needs

This was most apparent when Sarah would say something critical, causing a temporary rupture…and then would desperately try to repair, wanting to talk it out then and there so she could reestablish connection with him, in a reenactment of her anxious attachment relationship with her mother.

Declan didn’t find that connecting at all…he saw that she was trying to make herself feel better, not to reconnect with him, and he would retreat – the exact opposite of what she was looking for from him.

On a group coaching call a few months ago we worked through an example of this dynamic – and found a way to help them reestablish connection that worked for both of them that has made a profound difference in their ability to navigate conflict.  They discuss how it has worked for them in this new episode.

Parenting Membership 

This isn’t a course that you take once and forget, and things go back to the way they always were.Whenever you get off-track, or when a new challenge pops up, we’re here to support and guide you for as long as you’re a member.

The Parenting Membership is now open for immediate enrollment. Sign up now!

Jump to highlights:

01:20 Introduction of this episode’s guests

01:44 Basic information about Sarah and Declan’s family

02:27 Sarah’s childhood experiences and the intergenerational trauma that affected her family

07:25 Declan’s family dynamic which was not emotionally open or supportive

09:20 Declan talks about his experiences with his authoritarian father

10:30 What it was like being together for a long time and then becoming parents

11:21 What Sarah and Declan consider as the most important values they had as a family, as well as the effective parenting strategy that worked during their early years of parenthood

12:44 The challenges of transitioning to having older babies

15:19 Some challenging interactions with the kids

17:03 Declan is the stabilizing force in the family

18:41 How Declan responds to Sarah’s emotional stress

21:20 How they approach certain situations and have learned from each other’s feedback

22:06 finding a balance between having a structured decision-making process and ensuring that each one is heard

23:14 How patriarchy shows up in their decision-making

23:53 How their shared values allowed them to work together despite their differences

26:44 How Sarah managed to convince  Declan to join the Parenting Membership

28:52 Declan appreciates the flexibility of Parenting Membership that allows members to choose their level of engagement with the content

31:12 How being part of the Parenting Membership differs from just listening to podcasts

32:47 How the  community aspect of the Parenting Membership helps

38:58 How relationship patterns can impact difficult conversations between partners

40:38 How the Parenting Membership has made a huge difference in their parenting dynamics

50:31 How Sarah has changed to become less triggered

52:57 Wrapping up

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Recently, a number of parents in the Parenting Membership have posted in our community about challenges they’ve faced that they’ve navigated with grace that would have seemed insurmountable a couple of years ago.

Many of these are parents of children who are already through the toddler stage, and the parents are starting to see the tools they’ve been using come alive in their interactions with their children.

I thought: There’s a podcast episode in that!

I asked parents to submit short videos to me responding to the question: What do you wish you had known about parenting when your children were young?

The resulting videos are collected, along with my commentary, in this week’s episode.

The insights that these parents offer are profound. I don’t want to give too much away, but let’s just say that you’re not going to hear advice about a must-have crib or wipe warmer or toy.

This is advice about:

• How we see ourselves
• What is our role as parents to guide our children without shaping them
• How we can be whole, fulfilled people ourselves when there’s so much pressure on us to be a ‘good parent’

If you want to hear from parents who share your values and who have been in it for a while to know what’s worth worrying about and what isn’t, this episode is for you.

Parenting Membership 

If parenting feels really hard, and it seems like you’ve read all the books and you’ve asked for advice in free communities and you’re tired of having to weed through all the stuff that isn’t aligned with your values to get to the few good nuggets, then the Parenting Membership will help you out.

The Parenting Membership is now open for immediate enrollment. Sign up now!

Other episodes referenced in this episode:

079: What is RIE?

084: The Science of RIE

085: White privilege in schools

SYPM 010: From anxious overwhelm to optimistic calm

Jump to highlights

01:40 Introduction of this episode’s topic

02:25 Jen admits that she didn’t give much consideration to parenting before her daughter, Carys, was born

03:17 Jen shares how her journey into respectful parenting started through RIE

04:42 Parent Elizabeth reflects on her experience and shares what she wished she had known about parenting

06:33 The impact of unhealed trauma is reflected in the way we parent our children

07:21 How the arrival of a child can shift the balance in a relationship leading to conflict, even if both partners entered into the partnership as equals

09:05 The dynamics of patriarchal relationships

10:09 Parent Jenny reflects on her experience and shares what she wished she had known about parenting during the time she wasn’t prioritizing her own need for sleep

12:29 Discussion on how patriarchal power structures can play out within the context of parenting and caregiving

13:48 Parent Jenny’s decision to prioritize rest shows that her need for rest is legitimate and important

14:19 Our child expresses their unmet need by hitting

15:33 Parent Anne reflects on her visions about parenting and shares what she wished she had known about parenting

18:45 What is “Opportunity hoarding” among White parents

20:48 Parent Iris reflects on her parenting experience

22:33 The pressure that parents put on themselves that creates enormous pressure

23:50 Parent Iris realizes that buying things to solve parenting problems is not always the answer

25:14 The privilege that some parents have in terms of how they are perceived by society and the consequences they may face for certain choices

26:11 Parent Anne shares what she wished she had known about her interactions with her mom, her husband, and her child

29:53 Parent Anne shares her struggles with setting boundaries

31:14 Parent Anne’s journey to becoming a better parent and healing from her own trauma

33:58 Parent Laura shares her son’s potty problems and what she wished she had known about potty learning

37:13 Parent Laura highlights the importance of trusting your intuition and problem-solving skills as a parent

38:20 Respectful and gentle parenting as a tool to build a good relationship with our child

39:09 Parent Lucinda reflects on her experience and shares what she wished she had known about parenting

41:56 How understanding one’s own needs is crucial for being able to have authentic relationships with family and community

43:24 Parent Melissa reflects on her experience and shares what she wished she had known about parenting

45:51 The benefits of being in an ACTion group in the Parenting Membership

47:14 Parent Benson reflects on his experience and shares what he wished he had known about parenting

48:51 Parent Amanda reflects on her experience and shares what she wished she had known about parenting

50:35 The importance of having a plan in parenting

52:03 Parent Elizabeth shares her realization that parenting is a continuous learning process

53:18 The importance of learning new skills to do things differently

55:34 Invitation to join the Parenting Membership

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All of our children go through phases when they do things we wish they wouldn’t do. Sometimes those things are relatively harmless but are pretty annoying, because they take extra time for us to clean up – things like eating (and making crumbs) in areas where we don’t want them to eat, shaving up a bar of soap, or piling up all the toys and refusing to help clean them up. Other times it’s not so harmless.  They might hit us.

Or hit a (smaller) sibling, for what seems like no reason.

We want to get that behavior to stop…but how?In this episode we’ll meet a parent who’s struggling with the annoying behaviors…and we’ll hear directly from two parents who have found ways to navigate resistance and hitting, and these are no longer the problem they once were.

There is hope.  We don’t have to keep walking on eggshells waiting for the next explosion, or worried about what our child is doing as soon as our back is turned.

Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits

Do you have a child aged 1 – 10? Are they resisting, ignoring you, and talking back at every request you make? Do you often feel frustrated, annoyed, and even angry with them? Are you desperate for their cooperation – but don’t know how to get it? If your children are constantly testing limits, the Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits workshop is for you.

Go from constant struggles and nagging to a new sense of calm & collaboration. I will teach you how to set limits, but we’ll also go waaaay beyond that to learn how to set fewer limits than you ever thought possible. Sign up for the Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits workshop.

Click the banner to learn more.

Jump to highlights:

00:50  Introduction for today’s episode

01:33  A member of Jen’s community is seeking advice on how to manage her child’s frustrating behavior

04:23  How Jen resolved her issues with her husband’s frustrating behavior during the COVID lockdown

06:16  The importance of understanding children’s behavior and finding ways to meet their needs in a way that works for both the child and the parent

07:36  One of the reasons why children engage in activities that they know are forbidden: Lack of Impulse control

09:20  The importance of recognizing that our children are still learning how to regulate their emotions and impulses

11:17  How setting fewer limits can create a more positive and respectful relationship between parent and child

12:46  Parent Peju shares how she sets limits on her child

14:46  Understanding the underlying issues of a child’s behavior is critical for effective parenting

15:54  The importance of recognizing the need for autonomy in children

17:50  Parent Fiona shares her struggles and how the community and the membership helped her resolve her problems

26:44  Parent Fiona’s non-cognitive shift as a result of seeing the issue from her son’s perspective

28:19  Parent Stephanie, expresses how her connection with the ACTion group has been incredibly fulfilling for her.

30:01  The importance of curiosity when we feel triggered

33:39  The second reason why children engage in activities that they know are forbidden: They’re doing it deliberately to get our attention

34:36  How our culture and capitalist system affect families and the way we parent

35:45 Why does our culture make it difficult to ask for help in parenting

36:43  Invitation to Setting Limits Masterclass

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Questions this episode will answer

What you’ll learn in this episode

• Why the popular parenting strategy of giving choices often fails in real life, even though parenting experts recommend it!
• The key difference between how choices work in demonstration videos versus what happens in your actual home with your kids
• How presenting limited options can actually override your child’s natural self-regulation abilities
• The surprising connection between choices and motivation. Using choices to get homework done can backfire!
• How choices change and get more complicated as children grow older. Learn what adjustments to make to your technique
• The hidden agenda behind many of the choices we offer our children. Kids can sense when choices aren’t genuine
• A more effective alternative framework that works for every interaction with your child. F snack time to homework to curfews, we’ve got you covered!
• The tool that replaces the scripts that don’t work
• How to move beyond power struggles to create more authentic collaboration with your child

Other episodes referenced in this episode:

• 086: Playing to Win: How does playing sports impact children?
• 170: How to stop procrastinating with Dr. Fuschia Sirois. 
• 075: Should we go ahead and heap rewards on our kid? 

Jump to highlights:

00:54 Many parenting coaches recommend giving children choices as a way to get them to cooperate.

02:43 The effectiveness of using choices for our children

05:47 Reasons why giving choices makes us lose the possibility of meeting both of our needs

08:01 How using choices motivates children to do the things they wouldn’t want to do

09:00 Why choices teach children consequences

09:40 Benefits of using true empathy

10:26 Giving choices to negotiate how children will do a chore/task

11:55 The use of rewards to motivate children fails to consider both the child’s and parent’s needs, leading to resentment and missed opportunities for making real choices

13:28 Giving choices as a win-win situation

14:05 The choices parents give often do not meet the child’s needs

17:08 Distinguishing between needs and strategies

19:01 The importance of meeting both our and our children’s needs

20:34 Ben shares his struggles before joining the Setting Limits workshop

22:55 Ben shares how effective the tools he learned in the Setting Limits workshop are

26:29 Deon shares her experience after joining the Setting Limits workshop

27:01 An open invitation to join the Setting Loving (&Effective!) Limits masterclass

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If there’s one topic that never fails to rile parents up, it’s sibling fighting. Why does it affect us so much?  (There are two main reasons.) Why is this happening, and what can we do about it?  There are two main reasons, and one strategy to use with each reason. That’s it! There are not an infinite number of reasons why this is happening, or an infinite number of things to try to get it to stop. This episode will help you to identify the cause of the fighting, and how to make it stop. Sound too good to be true?  It isn’t.  Check out what parents have said about the workshop and sign up:

Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits

Do you have a child aged 1 – 10? Are they resisting, ignoring you, and talking back at every request you make? Do you often feel frustrated, annoyed, and even angry with them? Are you desperate for their cooperation – but don’t know how to get it? If your children are constantly testing limits, the Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits workshop is for you. Go from constant struggles and nagging to a new sense of calm & collaboration. I will teach you how to set limits, but we’ll also go way beyond that to learn how to set fewer limits than you ever thought possible. Sign up for the Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits workshop.

Click the banner to learn more.

Jump to highlights:

02:07 Challenges of having multiple children

03:39 How parents’ reactions to their children’s fighting can be influenced by their own past experiences with their siblings.

07:00 The need to make pause before reacting to a child’s behavior

07:52 Understanding the causes of siblings fight

08:34 A fictitious story about a sibling fight to show two possible scenarios that may result from two opposing reactions from a parent

10:40 Scenario 1: Parent explodes and blames one child as aggressor during sibling fight

12:10Scenario 2: Parent makes a pause, remains calm, does not blame anyone

15:00 Importance of having an empathetic discussion with your children

20:45 The struggles of Adrianna and Tim began when a new child was added to the family.

24:46 How Parenting Membership help Adrianna and Tim

25:54 Adrianna shares how bodhi shows his empathy towards her sister

27:35 How adding a sibling rocks an older child’s world

28:42 What are some ways to support our older child in managing challenging emotions so that they continue to feel valued and loved by us.

31:24 Sibling fight as a child’s unskillful strategy to getting their needs met

33:55 Figuring out the commonly unmet needs of our children

35:05 The answer to a child’s unmet needs:  Spend 1:1 time with them

36:25 The importance of letting the child direct your ‘special time’

37:48 Why parents shouldn’t treat all their children in the same way

39:16 Adrianna’s reflections

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In this episode I take a look at the main reasons why we have these hard days – from our child’s temperament to our temperament to attachment relationships, trauma, and neurodivergences – all of these intersect especially tightly on the hard days.

Then we look at three ways to get through these days with a little more grace – and maybe even without having to apologize to your child at the end of it.

Ready to break free from the cycle of triggered reactions and conflict in your parenting journey?

If you want to:

😟 Be triggered less often by your child’s behavior,

😐 React from a place of compassion and empathy instead of anger and frustration,

😊 Respond to your child from a place that’s aligned with your values rather than reacting in the heat of the moment,

the Taming Your Triggers workshop will help you make this shift.

Join us to transform conflict into connection and reclaim peace in your parenting journey.

Click the banner to learn more!

Jump to highlights

02:44 It can be difficult when we have a temperament mismatch

03:25 But having the same temperament can also be difficult

04:36 Children will often take on a role in the family

05:29 Our attachment style impacts how we perceive other people’s behavior

10:40 Making a non-cognitive shift so you see difficult days differently

21:05 We don’t always have to fix everything in the moment

25:59 The challenges to meeting your needs more often

29:43 The part we often forget is that your child has needs as well

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Have you ever seen recommendations for the books called Your One Year Old, Your Two Year Old, and so on, by Louise Bates Ames?  Every few weeks I see parents posting in online communities asking about some aspect of their child’s behavior that is confusing or annoying to them, and somebody responds: “You should read the Louise Bates Ames books!”

This usually comes with the caveat that the reader will have to disregard all the ‘outdated gender stuff,’ but that the information on child development is still highly relevant.

In this episode I dig deep into the research on which these books are based. While the books were mostly published in the 1980s, they’re based on research done in the 1930s to 1950s.

I argue that far from just ‘stripping out the outdated gender stuff,’ we need to look much deeper at the cultural context that the information in these books fits within – because it turns out that not only were the researchers not measuring ‘normal,’ ‘average’ child development, but that they were training children to respond to situations in a certain way, based on ideas about a person’s role in society that may not fit with our views at all. And if this is the case, why should we use these books as a guide to our children’s development?

Other episodes mentioned:

• RIE
• Science of RIE
• Toilet learning
• Parenting Beyond Pink and Blue
• NVC

Jump to highlights:

02:41 An open invitation to check out the new book that will be released in August 2023.

04:59)Why these child psych books from the 1980s are all over parenting Facebook groups today

06:01 The Gesell philosophy of human behavior

08:48 Who is Louise Bates

10:32 Who is Arnold Gesell

11:28 How the children were selected to participate in the experiment

14:28 How our view of childhood had undergone a massive shift in the previous 100 years

16:09 What’s it like to have a child involved in the study

19:35 Some of the significant milestones provided by researchers

20:50 Dr. Gesell is looking to study the natural development of children’s physical capabilities

22:07 What normal seems to mean in the study

23:11 Gesell fails to observe what the baby’s hands are actually doing

24:18 The purpose of the ‘performance box’

27:44 I add my own judgment of the research

28:32 Gesell wrote that what he called ‘systematic cinematography’

29:22 Another way that the situation was anything but natural was that the study took place within a dome

30:59 Dr. Gesell observed the effect of the running commentary on him in the experimenter role

31:54 Dr. Gesell makes contradictory statements about whether the behavior he observed in the lab was the same as the behavior the child displayed at home

32:58 A baby’s behavior changes based on the environment it is in

35:04 What the researchers say about children’s capabilities outside of the lab

35:56 Even the view of maturation itself is inextricably linked to Euro-centric ideas about time, on both micro and macro scales.

40:51 What are parents supposed to do with all this information

45:19 One of the Dr. Bates Ames’ key ideas is that development doesn’t proceed in a linear fashion

47:52 The similarity between reading the development book and reading a horoscope

52:33 The idea that things aren’t linear in our children’s development is super helpful

52:54 I found the most useful description of why this non-linear behavior happens in a book of essays by Dr. Myrtle McGraw

54:14 Going back to the outdated ideas about gender

57:11 The flow of authority

01:00:55 When we use our power to get children to do what we want them to do we’re still promoting the values of a patriarchal culture

01:02:58 The most common word uttered is ‘mine’

01:05:04 Each of the decisions parents make is made in a cultural context

01:07:36 An episode suggestion to listen to

References

Al-Bdour, A-N.A., Akasheh, H.F., & Al-Husban, N.A. (2003). Ultrasonography of the uterus after normal vaginal delivery. Saudi Medical Journal 25(1), 41-44.

Astrology King (October 29, 2022). Aries Last Week: October 24 to 30, 2022. Author. Retrieved from: https://astrologyking.com/aries-last-week/

Ball, R.S. (1977). The Gesell Developmental Schedules; Arnold Gesell (1880-1961). Journal of Abnormal Child Psychology 5(3), 233-239.

Britannica, The Editors of Encyclopaedia (2022, June 17). Arnold Gesell. Encyclopedia Britanica. https://www.britannica.com/biography/Arnold-Gesell

Dalton, T.C., & Bergenn, V.W. (1995). Beyond heredity and environment: Myrtle cGraw and the maturation controversy. Boulder: Westview Press.

Gesell, A., Ilg, F.L., Bates Ames, L., & Rodell, J.L. (1971). Infant and child in the culture of today: The guidance of development in home and nursery school. New York: Harper & Row.

Gesell, A., Halverson, H.M., Thompson, H., Ilg, F.L, Castner, B.M., Ames, L.B., & Amatruda, C.S. (1940). The first five years of life: A guide to the study of the preschool child. New York: Harper & Brothers Publishers.

Gesell, A.D., Thompson, H., & Amatruda, C.S. (1938). The psychology of early growth, Including norms of infant behavior and a method of genetic analysis. New York: MacMillan.

Gesell, A., Thompson, H., & Amatruda, C.S. (1934). Infant behavior: Its genesis and growth. New York: McGraw Hill.

Gesell, A. (1952). Infant development: The embryology of early human behavior. New York: Harper & Brothers Publishers.

Gesell, A. (1930). The guidance of mental growth in infant and child. New York: The MacMillan Company.

Gesell, A. (1926). The mental growth of the preschool: A psychological outline of normal development from birth to the sixth year, including a system of developmental diagnosis. New York: The MacMillan Company.

Gesell, A. (1925). The retarged child: How to help him. Bloomington, IL: Public School Publishing Company.

Ilg, F.L., & Bates Ames, L. (1972). Child behavior. New York: Barnes & Noble Books.

Knobloch, H., & Pasamanick, B. (1974). Gesell and Amatruda’s developmental diagnosis: The evaluation and management of normal and abnormal neuropsychologic development in infancy and early childhood (3rd Ed.). Hagerstown: Harper & Row.

Lancy, D. (2015). The anthropology of childhood: Cherubs, chattel, changelings (2nd Ed.). Cambridge, Cambridge University Press.

Leung, K.C., & Sauve, R.S. (2005). Breast is best for babies. Journal of the National Medical Association 97(7), 1010-1019.

Mulic‐Lutvica, A., Bekuretsion, M., Bakos, O., & Axelsson, O. (2001). Ultrasonic evaluation of the uterus and uterine cavity after normal, vaginal delivery. Ultrasound in Obstetrics and Gynecology: The Official Journal of the International Society of Ultrasound in Obstetrics and Gynecology, 18(5), 491-498.

O’Neill, A. (2022, June 21). Child mortality rate (under five years old) in the United States, from 1800 to 2020. Statista. Retrieved from: https://www.statista.com/statistics/1041693/united-states-all-time-child-mortality-rate/

Pelcowitz, M. (2012). Louise Bates Ames. Psychology’s Feminist Voices. Retrieved from: https://feministvoices.com/profiles/louise-bates-ames

Pikler, E. (1972). Data on gross motor development of the infant. Early Child Development and Care 1(3), 297-310.

Pikler, E. (1968). Some contributions to the study of the gross motor development of children. The Journal of Genetic Psychology 113(1), 27-39.

Tredgold, A.F. (1909). II. The feeble-minded – a social danger. The Eugenics Review 1(2), 97-104.

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I know it can be really difficult to navigate all the events happening in the world today.  It seems like things are falling apart, with wars, climate change-caused drought and wildfires in some areas and flooding in others, with hunger not following far behind.  And things aren’t any better on the political front either.

When difficult things happen out there in the world, they spill over into our relationships with our children.  We suddenly find ourselves snapping at them far more easily than usual.  The things they do that are normally mildly irritating now push us to the limit, and we end up reacting to them in ways that we don’t like.  

In this episode we discuss the reasons why you feel emotionally yanked around by things that are happening out there in the wider world, as well as by the ways these things are discussed online and in our families as well.  

We look at the tools you can use to regulate your emotions when this happens…but also that regulating your emotions and then voting to express your feelings about how the world should be isn’t going to make a meaningful difference.  We learn tools you can use instead to create a sense of autonomy, which reduces stress and also change the circumstances themselves so they are less triggering in the future.

If you know you need support with your triggered feelings, whether these are related to:

• Events that are going in in the wider world
• Seeing discussion of those events online or hearing about them from family members or friends
• Traumatic events that you experienced in your childhood
• Events in your childhood that you don’t think of as traumatic, and yet left marks on you
• Difficulties you’re having now

Other episodes mentioned:

• No Self, No Problem
• Mutual Aid

Jump to highlights:

00:08 Societal factors that make us feel triggered

03:15 The Yerkes-Dodson law describes the empirical relationship between stress and performance

04:53 Broadhurst’s research has made it possible to see stress as a positive thing

07:12 A moderate amount of stress, time pressure and role conflict can all enhance your creativity

09:09 How feeling triggered is connected to our trauma in the past

11:50 Techniques to cope with stress when triggered by a trauma

12:50 What will you get out of the Taming Your Triggers workshop

13:25 Our brains spend a good deal of the time telling stories about what’s happening to us

16:09 Why do we create new threats in our brain

18:49 Why dealing with our child’s emotions can be difficult enough when we are completely present and capable

21:34 The value of mindfulness in dealing with an oppressive society

22:27 How Mutual Aid group work for people who need help with the system

24:26 Ways we can work together with others to bring the changes we want to see

27:35 The small wins of the Gay Rights Movement

33:22 The success story of two parents in the Taming Your Triggers community who help each other on their healing journey

36:27 Invitation to join the Taming Your Triggers workshop

References

Broadhurst, P.L. (1957). Emotionality and the Yerkes-Dodson Law. Journal of Experimental Psychology 54(5), 345-352. 

Byron, K., Khazanchi, S., & Nazarian, D. (2010). The relationship between stressors and creativity: A meta-analysis examining competing theoretical models. Journal of Applied Psychology 95(1), 201-212.

Cole, L. W. (1911). The relation of strength of stimulus to rate of learning in the chick. Journal of Animal Behavior, 1(2), 111.

Corbett, M. (2015). From law to folklore: Work stress and the Yerkes-Dodson Law. Journal of Managerial Psychology 30(6), 741-752.

Corbett, M. (2013). Cold comfort firm: Lean organization and the empirical mirage of the comfort zone. Culture and Organization 19(5), 413-429.

Dodson, J. D. (1915). The relation of strength of stimulus to rapidity of habit-formation in the kitten. Journal of Animal Behavior, 5(4), 330.

U.S. Department of Justice (2016). Five things about violence against American Indian and Alaska Native women and men. Author. Retrieved from: https://www.ojp.gov/pdffiles1/nij/249815.pdf

Weick, K.E. (1984). Small wins: Redefining the scale of social problems. American Psychologist 39(1), 40-49.

Yerkes, R.M., & Dodson, J.D. (1908). The relation of strength of stimulus to rapidity of habit formation. Journal of Comparative Neurology of Psychology 18(5), 459-482.

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Claire had used respectful parenting methods since her children were babies, so child-led learning seemed like a natural fit for her.  She protected her toddler’s free play time and involved her in household chores and nature walks.

Claire attended school as a child (just like I did!); she even enjoyed elementary school. By high school she didn’t see the relevance between what she was being taught and the things she was interested in – by that time her biggest lessons came from extracurricular art classes with mostly retired classmates at an art school, and from a theater production which she and other students put on entirely by themselves – getting advice from teachers, but messing up and fixing their mistakes by themselves.

It was the art classes and theater experiences that shaped the kind of learning that Claire wanted for her child, so she got herself pretty worked up over the idea of her oldest daughter attending public school.  It was actually joining my Learning Membership that helped her see that if she did need to put her daughter in school someday, they would still be able to find ways to support her at home.  Whichever way that turned out, she and her daughter would be OK.

And in the meantime, her daughter had transitioned from the simpler questions of two to the more complex, involved questions of three.  Her new sibling was born, and her writing explorations proceeded in parallel with figuring out her place in the newly expanded family: suddenly she’s highly motivated to write a sign saying: NO BABIES ALLOWED.

Not only has Claire seen her child’s learning develop, but she’s also seeing her own growth as a person and as a parent.  Having arrived at the decision to homeschool from a place of fear and defensiveness, which she would have to justify to her extended family who are teachers, she now feels confident that homeschooling is the right fit for her family right now – even though that may change in the future.

And – more importantly – she has reimagined her role in the homeschooling relationship.  She now knows she doesn’t need to high-tail it for the library the moment her daughter expresses an interest in a new subject – she can sit back and observe and see what her daughter is really learning…and then go to the library if that’s the most appropriate thing to do.  Claire is becoming her daughter’s guide on the side who takes cues from her learner, rather than the sage on the stage who takes advantage of every Teachable Moment to impart a lesson.

Now Claire feels much more relaxed about her daughter’s learning, because she trusts her daughter – and she trusts herself. Claire had spent a lot of her own early years feeling uncomfortable, and searching for belonging.  She figured that if she just pushed herself harder, and beat herself up when things went wrong, that eventually she would be good enough.  That she would finally stop feeling ashamed of herself, and fit in.

Now she sees that you can’t teach a child to be compassionate.  The way our children learn compassion is by seeing us being compassionate with them – and with ourselves.  So Claire is reparenting herself at the same time as she’s supporting her child’s learning.

Claire is in the Supporting Your Child’s Learning Membership, which doesn’t offer a curriculum.It doesn’t tell you what activities to do when, or give a checklist of learning goals for you to fill out.Instead, it helps you to:

• See learning where it’s already happening
• Provide just the right amount and type of support to help your child direct their own learning (and ALL children are capable of doing this; even the ones with diagnoses, and even the ones who can’t focus at school)
• Bolster skills like critical thinking, full-bodied learning, and metacognition, that they can use to learn ANY new idea or skill they like.

Learning Membership

If you need this help so you can support your own child’s learning, I’d love to meet you in the Learning Membership. Make learning a fun adventure that not only strengthens your bond, but also nurtures your child’s intrinsic love of learning—an essential foundation for success in an AI-driven world.

Get tools and strategies to support your child’s love of learning and future-proof their success in navigating whatever comes their way. No special skills needed—just a willingness to explore alongside them.

Click the banner to learn more!

Jump to highlights

03:07 Invitation to join the Supporting Your Child Learning Membership

03:50 What life in a homestead is like for Claire’s family

05:43 How does their way of life show out in her child

07:07 Ways that Claire support her child’s learning prior joining the membership

09:17 Claire’s lack of connection to what she was studying in school

10:09 How her passion for art continues to influence Claire’s life today

11:39 Getting community support for Claire help her a lot in embarking her journey in the membership

12:58 Claire’s thoughts and difficulties she encountered when she began the first module

14:53 Claire’s learning explorations with her child’s interest in letters and writing

16:20 How Claire’s daughter uses writing to express her feelings about their relationship

17:49 Claire’s positive and negative feelings when she first started homeschooling her child

19:10 Our education system is failing because we compel teachers to work inside a system that does not work for children.

21:42 Claire’s methods for supporting her child in discovering what she is truly interested in

24:36 Listening to our child with the idea that we might be the one who comes out of experience changed

26:45 Ways we help our children explore what they already know and considering their needs and interests to be worthy

28:16 Claire’s daughter shows an interest in experiments and independently determining the next steps she needs.

32:05 Claire can foresee herself in the future just being guide on the side

35:42 Claire’s journey to trusting herself and her child with the help of her community

38:50 What it’s like having self-compassion with our child

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We’ve covered a number of episodes in the past that feed into this one, including Raising Emotionally Healthy Boys with Dr. Judy Chu (which focused on boys’ understanding of masculinity in the preschool years), and Playing to Win with Dr. Hilary Levy Friedman (which looked at the lessons children learn from sports…which aren’t really related to the sports themselves…).

And of course there are the two episodes on patriarchy; the interview with Dr. Carol Gilligan, as well as my conversation with listener Brian Stout about what we learned during the interview.

A few weeks ago listener Caroline and I interviewed Dr. Marnina Gonick on the topic of girls’ relationships, which stemmed from the question ‘why are middle/high school-aged girls so mean to each other?’ but became much broader in scope as we looked at the cultural factors shaping girls’ relationships. At the end of that conversation I asked Dr. Gonick if she knew anyone who was doing work similar to hers but looking at boys’ relationships, and she did!

In today’s conversation Caroline returns to co-interview Dr. Michael Kehler, who is Research Professor in Masculinities Studies at the Weklund School of Education at the University of Calgary. We discuss how masculinity isn’t something that boys are; it’s something they do, how the traditional interpretation of masculinity hurts our boys and girls, and what parents can do to support boys in engaging in alternative masculinities that allow them to feel more whole as people.

Dr. Michael Kehler’s book

Boys’ Bodies: Speaking the Unspoken – Affiliate link

Jump to highlights

(03:31) What does it mean to be a boy

(05:17) There is a type of masculinity that is perceived to be the most masculine

(06:21) The problem with the phrase “Boys will be boys”

(08:24) Understanding Masculine and Feminine binary

(10:09) How much influence do gender stereotypes or gender norms around masculinity have on boys’ relationships, particularly at school?

(16:27) How mental and physical affection have shown up in boys’ and men’s relationships

(21:37) Why do boys and men feel pressure to conform to traditional masculine norms?

(23:38) Ways that girls regulated men’s roles in society

(27:49) How can gender diversity be supported

(30:25) Boys seem to need action-based learning, rather than docile literacy-based tasks

(33:54) The importance of disrupting thinking in supporting boys in their resistance to the norms of masculinity

(40:07) Do boys desire close male-to-male friendships?

(42:29) Power of discomfort as a learning opportunity

References:

Anderson, E., Adams, A., & Rivers, I. (2012). “I kiss them because I love them”: The emergence of heterosexual men kissing in British institutes of education. Archives of Sexual Behavior 41(2), 421-430.

Anderson, E. (2008). “I used to think women were weak”: Orthodox masculinity, gender segregation, and sport. Sociological Forum 23(2), 257-280.

Burns, J., & Kehler, M. (2014). Boys, bodies, and negotiated school spaces: When boys fail the litmus test. Culture, Society & Masculinities 6(1), 3-18.

Hayward, C., & Mac an Ghaill, M. (2013). Education and masculinities: Social, cultural, and global transformations. New York: Routledge.

Kehler, M. (2010). Boys, books and homophobia: Exploring the practices and policies of masculinities in school. McGill Journal of Education 45(3), 351-370.

Kehler, M.D. (2007). Hallway fears and high school friendships: the complications of young men (re)negotiating heterosexualized identities. Discourse: Studies in the cultural politics of education 28(2), 259-277.

Kehler, M.D. & Martino, W. (2007). Questioning masculinities: Interrogating boys’ capacities for self-problematization in schools. Canadian Journal of Education 30(1), 90-112.

Kehler, M.D., Davison, K.G., & Frank, B. (2005). Contradictions and tensions in the practice of masculinites in school: interrogating embodiment and ‘Good Buddy Talk.’ Journal of Curriculum Theorizing 21(4), 59-72.

Kimmel, M. (2018). Masculinity and our common humanity: “Real” men versus “Good” men. In N. Way, A. Ali, C. Gilligan, & P. Noguera (Eds), The Crisis of Connection: Roots, Consequences, and Solutions (p.173-187). New York: New York University Press.

Kimmel, M. (2004). Masculinity as homophobia: Fear, shame, and silence in the construction of gender identity. In P.F. Murphy (Ed)., Feminism & Masculinities (p.182-199). Oxford: Oxford University Press.

Mac an Ghaill, M., & Hayward, C. (2011). Schooling, masculinity and class analysis: Towards an aesthetic of subjectivities. British Journal of Sociology of Education 32(5), 729-744.

Mac an Ghaill, M. (1994). The making of men: Masculinities, sexualities, and schooling. Buckingham: Open University Press.

Martino, W., & Kehler, M. (2006). Male teachers and the “Boy Problem” An issue of recuperative masculinity politics. McGill Journal of Education 41(2), 113-131.

McCann, P.D., Minichiello, V., & Plummer, D. (2009). Is homophobia inevitable? Evidence that explores the constructed nature of homophobia, and the techniques through which men unlearn it. Journal of Sociology 45(2), 201-220.

Messerschmidt, J.W. (2010). The struggle for recognition: Embodied masculinity and the victim-violence cycle of bullying in secondary schools. In M. Kehler & M. Atkinson (Eds), Boys’ Bodies: Speaking the Unspoken (p.113-131). New York: Peter Lang.

Plummer, C. (1999). One of the boys: Masculinity, homophobia, and modern manhood. New York: Harrington Park Press.

Riechert, M.C., & Nelson, J.D. (2018). I want to learn from you: Relational strategies to engage boys in school. In N. Way, A. Ali, C. Gilligan, & P. Noguera (Eds), The Crisis of Connection: Roots, Consequences, and Solutions (p.344-360). New York: New York University Press.

Robinson, S., White, A., & Anderson, E. (2019). Privileging the bromance: A critical appraisal of romantic and bromantic relationships. Men and Masculinities 22(5), 850-871.

Rogers L.O. (2018). The “Black Box”: Identity development and the crisis of connection among Black adolescent boys. In N. Way, A. Ali, C. Gilligan, & P. Noguera (Eds), The Crisis of Connection: Roots, Consequences, and Solutions (p.129-148). New York: New York University Press.

Rotondo, E.A. (1989). Romantic friendship: Male intimacy and middle class youth in the Northern United States, 1800-1900. Journal of Social History 23(1), 1-25.

Ryan, T.A., Morrison, T.G., & O Beaglaoich, C. (2010). Adolescent males’ body image: An overview of research on the influence of mass media. In M. Kehler & M. Atkinson (Eds), Boys’ Bodies: Speaking the Unspoken (p.21-50). New York: Peter Lang.

Scholes, L. (2018). Boys, masculinities and reading: Gender identity and literacy as social practice. New York: Routledge.

Watson, A., & Kehler, M. (2012). Beyond the “Boy Problem”: Raising questions, growing concerns and literacy reconsidered. New England Reading Association Journal 48(1), 43-55.

Watson, A., Kehler, M., & Martino, W. (2010). The problem of boys’ literacy underachievement: Raising some questions. Journal of Adolescent and Adult Literacy 53(5), 356-361.

Way, N., & Nelson, J.D. (2018). The Listening Project: Fostering curiosity and connection in middle schools. In N. Way, A. Ali, C. Gilligan, & P. Noguera (Eds), The Crisis of Connection: Roots, Consequences, and Solutions (p.274-298). New York: New York University Press.

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There are lots of books available now on how to talk with children about issues related to race, but Sarah W. Jaffe noticed a gap: there weren’t any books geared toward non-academic audiences talking about how the choices that predominantly well-off, predominantly White parents make impact other people. From childcare choices to school to college, at every step of the way we make decisions that reflect Wanting What’s Best for our own child, but very often these decisions are rooted in the fear of our child falling behind in some way, and when we try to elevate our own child we often do it at the expense of others.

Sarah’s book uncovers the ideas that underlie the seemingly innocuous decisions we make so we can ensure that our choices are really aligned with our values. It also provides a great counterpoint to the book that I’m in the process of writing, which will be on the ways we either pass on or disrupt the tools of White supremacy, patriarchy, and capitalism to our own children through the daily interactions we have with them that don’t seem to be about anything related to these topics. Publication date September 2023: stay tuned!

Click here to order Sarah W. Jaffe’s book Wanting What’s Best: Parenting, Privilege, and Building a Just World (affiliate link). 

Shownotes:

(02:37) How our child should engage in the world.

(03:57) Learn why our fears affects how we raise our children.

(05:58) The importance of racism, patriarchy and capitalism conversation in our child.

(07:42) The inadequacies in the system and issues with childcare wages during the 1960s.

(10:07) Why is our Social Security System being unfair and unjust to farm laborers and domestic workers.

(11:45) How should we deal with the childcare systems as privileged parents.

(13:20) The ideal factors in choosing a daycare arrangement between public schools and private ones.

(14:19) Is it a good idea to take the funds from one school and give it to the other schools.

(17:17) How racial makeup of a school does play a big part in the perception of White parents when choosing a school.

(18:57) The good benefits of exposing our kids to a school with a diverse student body.

(19:43) The challenges we experienced as parents while working against racism.

(23:05) Anti-racist work practices that we can start now.

(25:29) The real picture of how colleges and universities consider students seeking financial aid.

(31:42) Should we consider it a parenting failure if our child didn’t attend college.

(33:21) What it means to be a good activist.

(35:56) How does social change start in volunteerism.

(38:26) Money talks with our child.

(40:17) Every part of how we live is infused with capitalism.

(42:20) How would advocating for other children’s rights in the same manner that we advocate for our own children make a better future generation.

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For the first time, in this episode I bow out and and let listeners Jenny and Emma take over, who wanted to share how they’ve been supporting each other over the last few months.

They started from pretty different points: Emma wasn’t having parenting struggles, but often over-communicated with her husband and he would stonewall in response, agreeing to whatever she asked so she would stop talking. Then he would resist later, and she couldn’t understand why…because he had agreed, right?

Jenny’s sleep had been disturbed by her child for more than four years…she was exhausted, and had no idea how to deal with her rage-filled kindergartener who would hit her whenever he was upset.

Neither of them had much confidence that being on a Zoom call together for 40 minutes a week would help them.

Emma and her husband now communicate in a way that meets both of their needs, and can navigate the challenges that come up with their preschooler.

Jenny is sleeping! And she has learned how deep listening and true empathy help her son to feel really heard…and incidents that used to lead to 45 minute meltdowns that would disrupt the rest of the day are now over in 10 minutes, and are actually connecting for them.

Jenny and Emma did all this with a bit of information from me…but mostly by being fully present for each other in a small ‘village’ of parents, inside the slightly larger village of the Parenting Membership.

If you want help to break down the changes you want to make into tiny manageable steps and be held (gently!) accountable for taking them (or adjusting course if needed…), we’d love to have you join the three of us plus a group of likeminded parents in the membership.

Get the information you need and the support to actually implement it, all in what members call “the least judgmental corner of the internet.”

The Parenting Membership is now open for immediate enrollment. Sign up now!

Jump to highlights:

01:00 Jenny and Emma came up with the idea to record an episode for the podcast to talk about how their parenting has changed over the last year.

01:55 Emma wasn’t having major problems, but wanted to be prepared for the challenges that may happen down the road.

02:36 Jenny was struggling because she hadn’t had a full night’s sleep in 4 ½ years…and now prioritizes herself through the support of Emma and the members of the ACTion group.

03:55 An open Invitation to join the Parenting Membership.

04:45 Because Emma is a high achiever, she imagined parenthood to be a breeze.

06:57 Jenny believed that if you are prepared and serene, and you bring this calm energy to your pregnancy, you will have an easy child.

08:24 The lack of understanding of our values is what causes us to be conflicted about becoming parents.

12:00Our child’s big feelings are their way of letting us know that they are not okay.

14:30 It’s great to have a community who we can trust, and who will support and respect our values

16:30 The ACTion group conversation once a week gives parents a foundation to parent more intentionally

18:26 Emma used the problem-solving method to find a solution for her child’s resistance during nail cutting by trying to hypothesize her child’s feelings.

20:17 Needs can be met when you remove the ‘shoulds.’

25:31 Jenny’s parenting has been a lot less tense over the past year and a half, which was a wonderful surprise.

30:48 Jenny saw big changes when she used a deep listening technique with her son during an episode of intense anger and frustration, which ended the episode much more quickly than usual!

37:25 It’s life-changing to see a profound change in our children and ourselves when both of our needs are fulfilled.

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Adrianna and Tim had read all the parenting books. (And I mean ALL the books.)

But NOTHING seemed to be working.

They were still feeling frustrated with their kids on a very regular basis.

And their kids were fighting what seemed like every second of the day.

They joined the Parenting Membership last May, and the transformation our community has seen in them has been profound.

The shift started after we had a consult about their youngest daughter’s difficult behavior, which we realized was a sign of her unmet needs. (I do these 1:1 (or 1:2!) consults on a regular basis for members when I see them struggling with an issue that just can’t be addressed in writing.)

Ideas percolated. They increased the amount of 1:1 time they were spending with her, doing things she liked to do.

They attended a couple of group coaching calls and we talked more about their specific situation.

Things improved a bit.

But then it all came to a head when Adrianna posted in the community about her children’s fighting, which had become more intense than ever.

A whole lot of parents chimed in with ideas to support them, which are grounded in the ideas I’d previously discussed with her – but sometimes you need to hear things in a different way, with stories from parents who have just recently been through the same difficult stuff you’re experiencing, and they made it out the other side.

Suddenly something clicked for Adrianna. She started to see her children’s needs in a way she hadn’t before, and she started having super explicit conversations with them about their needs, and also her needs.

And then the magic started to happen, firstly in interactions between either Adrianna or Tim and their oldest child, Bodhi:

Then the two children began using these problem solving tools between themselves. All of a sudden these two children who had literally been tearing each other’s hair out could identify their own needs, and each other’s needs, and find solutions that work for both of them. And they’re five and three years old!

And all of this happened in what Adrianna calls the most supportive, least judgmental corner of the internet:

I invited Adrianna and Tim to tell us about their journey on the podcast.

Their response – delivered in unison – when I asked them: “So you’d read all the books, and you had so many doubts that ANYTHING could work for you…so why on earth did you join the membership?” was priceless.

Parenting Membership 

If parenting feels really hard, and it seems like you’ve read all the books and you’ve asked for advice in free communities and you’re tired of having to weed through all the stuff that isn’t aligned with your values to get to the few good nuggets, then the Parenting Membership will help you out.

The Parenting Membership is now open for immediate enrollment. Sign up now!

Jump to highlights:

01:46 Overview of Adrianna and Tim’s membership journey.

04:18 An open invitation to join the Parenting Membership.

06:06 Growing up in a dysfunctional household was not uncommon for either Adrianna or Tim.

08:57 Adrianna and Tim believed they were the best parents of the year until they began to sink.

10:10 The anger and irrationality that Tim displays toward Adrianna as a result of his frustrations.

11:03 How Adrianna was managing her mental health issues while also navigating the challenges presented by her two challenging children.

12:45 Tim and Adrianna are frustrated since they’ve tried everything to make parenthood work.

14:04 The Parenting Membership was the only hope for Adriana and Tim.

18:07 The significant impact on our child when we step down from their level.

19:15 How Adrianna was able to meet the needs of both of her children at the same moment.

22:14 Bodie and Remy practicing the ways in which both of their needs can be fulfilled.

25:27 The result of Adriana and Tim’s child’s unmet demand for his father.

26:49 Tim’s experience in learning different methods of parenting and his perspective on whether dads should really do this job.

28:13 Adriana and Tim’s positive outlook for the future.

31:21 How the membership and tools help Adrianna and Tim strengthen their marriage

32:47 Adrianna’s shift from not seeing her needs as valid to having the confidence in understanding what her needs are.

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Recently someone posted a question in one of my communities:

“Is it really so wrong to want my child to just LISTEN to me sometimes?  It seems like such a no-no in gentle parenting circles, and I’m worried that my child is growing up to be entitled and won’t know how to respect authority when they really HAVE to.”

Parent Chrystal gave such a beautiful and eloquent response to this question that I asked her to come back on the show (her first visit was last year) to talk us through how she approaches getting her (three!  spirited!) children to listen to her…and what tools she uses instead.And this doesn’t end up creating entitled children who refuse to cooperate with any authority figure; in fact, her most spirited child was called a “conscientious and rule-abiding upstanding model student” by her teacher (which just about made Chrystal laugh out loud).

Chrystal has been on this respectful parenting journey for a while now, but I learned during this interview that she first interacted with me in the Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits workshop, where she started transforming a lot of the battles she was having with her children into a collaborative, cooperative relationship.

Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits

If you want to make your own transformation from a relationship where your child JUST DOESN’T LISTEN to one where you have mutual care and respect for each other’s needs, then the Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits workshop is for you.

Go from constant struggles and nagging to a new sense of calm & collaboration. I will teach you how to set limits, but we’ll also go waaaay beyond that to learn how to set fewer limits than you ever thought possible. Sign up for the Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits workshop.

Click the banner to learn more.

Jump to highlights:

02:37 Reasons we get triggered when our child isn’t listening to us.

03:38 An open invitation to join the Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits workshop.

04:50 Chrystal’s manifestation that her parenting is effective.

06:06 Saying NO to our child isn’t necessarily the right answer.

06:57 Challenges that Chrystal had as someone who was brought up in a religious family.

07:58 At a young age, Chrystal was responsible for the needs of her mother and siblings.

09:58 How resilience will play a big role in our children.

10:50 Impacts on our child for having a lot of control and compliance.

11:20 Chrystal’s transition from being controlled to having freedom and autonomy.

12:26 As a result of having a strong-willed children, Chrystal experiences a lot pushback and challenges.

15:08 When to set limits and boundaries to our children.

18:04 Ways to navigate our younger child when we need to take a pause in a situation.

19:07 The difference between setting limits and boundaries.

21:15 The importance of respectful parenting.

23:09 Using body cues instead of saying NO.

25:30 Introduction to Problem Solving Conversation: Nonjudgmental Observation

26:33 Finding solutions that is grounded in meeting our needs, and the needs of our children as well.

31:02 Our children’s resistance creates a “US VS. THEM” scenario.

36:39 The unique needs of having multiple children.

37:47 The lessons that Chrystal learned from the book called Siblings Without Rivalry.

41:58 White presenting child plays a big role in changing the systems.

45:38 Chrystal’s children showing their amazing empathy and respect for one another.

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“On average, authoritative parents spanked just as much as the average of all other parents.  Undoubtedly, some parents can be authoritative without using spanking but we have no evidence that all or even most parents can achieve authoritative parenting without an occasional spank.”

I was fascinated by this statement, since authoritative parenting is the best style.  We know it’s the best, right?

I mean, everyone says it is.  Including me and who was the co-author on this paper this statement comes from?  None other than Dr. Diana Baumrind, creator of the Parenting Styles (although they weren’t called that then; they were originally called the Models of Parental Control.  Just to make sure we’re on the same page here, I’m going to say that again: Dr. Diana Baumrind, who created the parenting styles/model of parental control, says you can’t achieve the parenting style that has the ‘best’ outcomes for children without an occasional spank.

So in this episode we dig pretty deeply into what makes up the parenting styles, and what Dr. Baumrind and others found about the effectiveness of these styles, and what impacts they had on children.  (And I have to warn you now, the samples sizes we’re looking at to ‘prove’ that authoritative is the best parenting style are going to make your stomach churn.)

Questions this episode will answer

What are the parenting styles that Dr. Diana Baumrind identified?

Dr. Baumrind originally identified three parenting styles in her groundbreaking research:

• Authoritarian (high control, low warmth)
• Permissive (low control, high warmth)
• Authoritative (high control, high warmth).
  Later, other researchers added a fourth style—Uninvolved or Neglectful parenting (low control, low warmth). This completes the two-by-two grid framework we know today. The episode explores what Baumrind actually meant by these categories. They might not be helpful for modern parents trying to build healthy relationships with their children.

What’s the difference between parenting styles and parental control? Were they originally the same thing?

Many parents don’t realize that what we now call “parenting styles” began as Dr. Baumrind’s study of “Models of Parental Control.” This shows that her research focused on how parents exercise authority over children. She wasn’t looking to describe all possible parenting approaches. Most experts – including me! – just replicate what everyone else says: Authoritative is the best parenting style. But when we dig deeper we find that authoritative might not be as great as most experts claim.

Why does everyone say authoritative parenting is the best style?

Authoritative parenting is widely promoted as the gold standard. It supposedly balances firm boundaries with emotional warmth.  Decades of research have shown that authoritative is the best of the three (later four) parenting styles that Dr. Baumrind identified.  But there’s no evidence that these are the only possible parenting styles.  Dr. Baumrind herself found another style that she called ‘harmonious’ but she chose not to explore it. Researchers have just accepted that there are only four styles. Within these four, authoritative is often (but not always) best for children.

How large were the sample sizes in Dr. Baumrind’s original parenting styles research?

The sample sizes in Dr. Baumrind’s original research were shockingly small. You might then question how such an influential idea became so widely accepted on such limited evidence. This is a perfect example of why we should critically examine even the most established parenting theories.

Is authoritative best in all cultures and circumstances?

Authoritative parenting is often presented as universally ideal. The episode examines how different cultural contexts value different parenting approaches. What works well in one cultural setting might not transfer to another. An emphasis on authoritative parenting often reflects Euro-centric values and assumptions. The podcast explores this cultural dimension and challenges the one-size-fits-all recommendation.

What alternative approaches to parent-child relationships does the episode suggest?

The episode introduces alternatives that move beyond the control-based framework of the traditional parenting styles. We explore approaches that honor both parent and child needs. We don’t have to default to authoritarian control or permissive lack of boundaries. These alternative frameworks offer a more nuanced understanding of the parent-child relationship.

What you’ll learn in this episode

• The widely accepted “authoritative” parenting style might not actually be the best approach
• Dr. Diana Baumrind created the parenting ‘styles.’ Surprisingly, she thought authoritative parents should spank their children.
• We’ll describe the 2×2 grid of parenting styles, which describe parents’ warmth and control. Each one describes a particular parenting style and how parents using that style interact with their kids.
• The original research describing the parenting styles used very small sample sizes. Dr. Baumrind deliberately tried to recruit only middle class White children in her hometown of Berkeley, CA in the 1960s.
• Dr. Baumrind wanted to explore how parents controlled their children, not what parenting style is best for children.
• Cultural context shapes how we interact with our children. This challenges the one-size-fits-all recommendation of authoritative parenting
• We’ll look at alternative approaches to parent-child relationships. These honor both your needs and your child’s needs without relying on control-based frameworks

If you want to make your own transformation from a relationship where your child JUST DOESN’T LISTEN to one where you have mutual care and respect for each other’s needs, then the Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits workshop is for you. Go from constant struggles and nagging to a new sense of calm & collaboration.

I will teach you how to set limits, but we’ll also go waaaay beyond that to learn how to set fewer limits than you ever thought possible. Sign up for the Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits workshop.

Click the banner to learn more.

Jump to highlights

01:33 Introduction to today’s topic

04:05 Influential figures like Dr. Larzelere and Dr. Baumrind supported spanking within authoritative parenting.

16:19 Traditional parenting expects child compliance, emphasizing authority over autonomy, and conformity over individuality.

28:30 Dr. Baumrind’s parenting styles theory categorizes parenting into two extremes, neglecting the middle ground of “harmonious parenting.”

38:30 Harmonious parenting emphasizes reasoning and mutual understanding while behavioral compliance can create mixed messages about control and values, reflecting broader societal power dynamics.

46:19 Parenting styles must adapt to cultural diversity and consider alternative parenting goals, emphasizing mutual understanding and meeting children’s needs.

49:46 Understanding and meeting the needs of children and parents can eliminate the need for punishment.

References:

Baumrind, D. (1966). Effects of authoritative parental control on child behavior. Child Development 887-907.

Baumrind, D. (1996). A blanket injunction against disciplinary use of spanking is not warranted by the data. Pediatrics 98(4) 828-831.

Baumrind, D. (1971). Current patterns of parental authority. Developmental Psychology Monograph 4(1, Part 2), 1-103.

Baumrind, D. (1971). Note: Harmonious parents and their preschool children. Developmental Psychology 4(1), 99-102.

Baumrind, D. (1983). Rejoinder to Lewis’s reinterpretation of parental firm control effects: Are authoritative families really harmonious? Psychological Bulletin 94(1), 132-142.

Baumrind, D. (1996). The discipline controversy revisited. Family Relations 45(4), 405-414.

Baumrind, D. (2013). Is a pejorative view of power assertion in the socialization process justified? Review of General Psychology 17(4), 420-427.

Baumrind, D., Larzelere, R.E., Owens, E.B. (2010). Effects of preschool parents’ power assertive patterns and practices on adolescent development. Parenting Science and Practice 10, 157-201.

Cowan, P.A., Cowan, C.P., Weinstein, R., Owens, E. (2020). In Memoriam: Diana B Baumrind. University of California. Retrieved from https://senate.universityofcalifornia.edu/in-memoriam/files/diana-baumrind.html

Darling, N., & Steinberg, L. (1993). Parenting style as context: An integrative model. Psychological Bulletin 113(3), 487-496.

Greenspan, S. (2006). Rethinking “harmonious parenting” using a three-factor discipline model. Child Care in Practice 12(1), 5-12.

Garcia, O.F., Lopez-Fernandez, O., & Serra, E. (2021). Raising Spanish children with an antisocial tendency: Do we know what the optimal parenting style is? Journal of Interpersonal Violence 36 (13-14), 6117-6144.

Gross, A.K. (2021, October 18). How White supremacy culture shows up in our families +practices for how we can dismantle it. Mistress Syndrome. Retrieved from https://mistresssyndrome.com/2021/10/18/how-white-supremacy-culture-shows-up-in-our-families-practices-for-how-we-can-dismantle-it/

Larzelere, R.E., & Baumrind, D. (2010). Are spanking injunctions scientifically supported? Law & Contemporary Problems 73, 57.

Lewis, C.C. (1981). The effects of parental firm control: A reinterpretation of findings.

Psychological Bulletin 90(3), 547-563.

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In her book Belonging: Remembering Ourselves Home, Toko-pa Turner talks about the disconnection we feel from others, as well as from our own selves, because of the experiences we’ve had in our childhood.  While Toko-pa’s childhood was traumatic by any definition, even those of us who didn’t experience severe trauma were told – either verbally or non-verbally: You’re not enough.  You’re not good enough.   Or even: You’re too much.And we shut off that part of us, whatever it was.  Our sense of joy, our creativity, our need for autonomy.

We set aside those needs so we could be accepted by our family, whose love we craved more than anything in the world.But that doesn’t mean we need to always live our lives in this way.  We can accept the pain and suffering we’ve experienced, and incorporate that into new, more whole ways of being in the world.  A big part of this is finding a new relationship with our needs – seeing them, understanding them, being willing to articulate them.  Being willing to ask for help in meeting our needs – from our children, our partners, and our communities.  Toko-pa points out that our culture teaches us that the giver is in the position of strength; they are rich and secure and don’t need anyone’s help.  The receiver is the weak, poor, needy one (the whole thing smacks of femininity, doesn’t it?).  So to be in the position of strength we give and give and give until we don’t have anything left.But we have needs too, and we deserve to have these met, and to invite others to help us meet them – and this episode helps us to get started.I want to remind you of a couple of upcoming opportunities if you see that your own needs are not being met right now.

Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits

If you want to make your own transformation from a relationship where your child JUST DOESN’T LISTEN to one where you have mutual care and respect for each other’s needs, then the Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits workshop is for you.

Go from constant struggles and nagging to a new sense of calm & collaboration. I will teach you how to set limits, but we’ll also go waaaay beyond that to learn how to set fewer limits than you ever thought possible. Sign up for the Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits workshop.

Click the banner to learn more.

Toko-Pa Turner’s Book

Belonging: Remembering Ourselves Home (Affiliate Link).

Jump to highlights:

02:18 We create separation because we worry that we won’t be acceptable to the world.

02:50 An open invitation to join the free Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits Workshop.

05:01 Toko-Pa’s quest for belonging leaves her hungry for her mother’s love and recognition.

06:38 Our first experiences of not belonging come at the hands of our families

08:51 Due to the dogma we have lived, we learn to hide, dismiss, or separate our feelings that are not valued

12:03 The desire to teach our child a lesson comes from our own pain, resulting from our own trauma.

13:25 Women are raised with extensive cultural history programming that dictates how a proper lady should behave.

18:54 The Death Mother is an archetype that represents a mother who takes control of her children’s narrative lives in order to overcome her own traumas.

24:12 Being a mother has no worth in our culture, because they live to serve their children.

26:50 We gain a sense of belonging when we can help others.

33:43 The fear and shame associated with being an imposition on others.

37:44 You burden people when you show that you are in pain and in need.

42:00 Being seen is a paradox. It’s the thing that we want more than anything, but we fear it more than anything too.

48:22 The purpose of our dreams.

54:53 Belonging to yourself to those who need you – both human and other-than-human.

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One day Iris took her daughter to the park, with enough snacks with for both of them.  When Iris got hungry, she asked her daughter to share some of the food – but her daughter refused.  Iris knows that hunger is a factor that dramatically narrows her Window of Tolerance and makes it more likely that she’ll snap at her child’s behavior, so she asked again for food and again her daughter refused.

Then out of nowhere a crow swooped down and tried to steal some of the food, causing the whole lot to fall on the ground – and Iris exploded.  She was so angry that she felt a hot energy coming from her gut, and her daughter is standing in the park with tears flooding down her face, because Iris yelled at her.

And then, of course, the guilt and shame spiral begins: “What am I doing?  Why am I so angry?  And why can’t I stop?”

Now, Iris is in a very different place.  She’s not perfect, of course – none of us are.  But even Iris, the raised-Catholic-and-prone-to-unworthiness-and-guilt-tripping specialist, has found a different path.  

She no longer has to convince herself that she’s worthy of having her needs met – she knows she is, and she holds her own needs with equal care as her daughter’s needs.

Because her needs are met on a regular basis, she’s able to respond to her daughter’s age-appropriate difficult behavior with compassion and empathy.

And because she’s able to do this most of the time, she doesn’t need to get into the guilt and shame spiral nearly as often.  (And on the few occasions when it does still happen, she knows how to treat herself with compassion as well, instead of beating herself up for screwing up.)

Do you want to make this kind of shift in your own life?  Do you often feel triggered by your child’s behavior?  My Taming Your Triggers workshop, which has helped thousands of parents to not just remember a new script for the difficult moments, but to truly take on a new way of being in their relationships with their children – just like Iris has done.

Jump to highlights

01:43 Introduction about the guest

08:00 Iris’ childhood impression

15:15 What would Iris say to a person experiencing extreme anger

20:40 Iris’ experience in taking the workshop

26:45 What Iris learned in the workshop

33:56 How was it different today than before for Iris

40:59 Transformations that Iris experienced

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“I was spanked and I turned out fine.”

How many times have you heard this defense of spanking children? But what does the research tell us about spanking effectiveness, child discipline, and long-term consequences?

My guest, Professor Andrew Grogan-Kaylor from the University of Michigan, has extensively researched physical punishment and argues that spanking should be classified as an Adverse Childhood Experience (ACE)—a marker of severe trauma. When we examine spanking closely, we’re discussing hitting another human being, something we’d never accept between adults. As Dr. Grogan-Kaylor points out, parents typically spank when frustrated or angry, making it virtually impossible to administer in a truly “controlled” way.

In the episode, we also discuss how, due to the way that a quirk in one researcher’s agenda aligned with changes in ethical rules governing experiments, that there’s actually scientific evidence from randomized controlled trials to support the efficacy of spanking at changing children’s behavior to make it acceptable to their parents!  Now the rules have changed and wouldn’t permit spanking during an experiment, it isn’t possible to generate evidence against spanking.  So advocates of spanking (and yes, there are some!) can honestly say that there is evidence of the highest quality in favor of spanking, and no evidence of that quality against it.

And of course we have to ask ourselves: is compliance what we really want?  Our instinctive response to that question might be “Yes!  I do want flipping compliance – and I want it now!” But I know many parents listening to the show have a goal to raise children who speak up when they see injustice, and who are internally motivated to do the right thing…and unfortunately focusing on making children’s behavior comply with our wishes works against that.

But that doesn’t mean the alternative is letting our child rule the roost.  There are ways to get your needs met and also meet your child’s needs, without spanking, threatening to spank, punishing, giving Time Outs, withholding privileges, or any other tools like this.

Questions this episode will answer

What does research show us about spanking children?

Professor Grogan-Kaylor’s meta-analysis examined five decades of research covering over 160,000 children. He found consistent evidence that spanking is associated with increased:

• Aggression
• Antisocial behavior
• Mental health problems
• Cognitive difficulties.

The research clearly shows that spanking doesn’t improve behavior—it actually makes it worse.

Is spanking different from physical abuse?

Dr. Grogan-Kaylor’s research found that the effects of spanking and physical abuse on children are very similar. This challenges the idea that we can spank children without hurting them in the same way that physical abuse hurts them. Hitting, even when called “discipline,” affects a child’s developing brain and sense of safety in similar ways to abuse.

Should spanking be considered an Adverse Childhood Experience (ACE)?

Spanking affects a child’s stress response system, and impacts their development. The long-term outcomes from spanking are similar to outcomes associated with established Adverse Childhood Experiences. Dr. Grogan-Kaylor makes a compelling case that spanking should join the list of recognized ACEs.

What about parents who say “I was spanked and I turned out fine”?

This is one of the most common defenses of spanking. Dr. Grogan-Kaylor explains how our understanding of child development has evolved over the last 50 years. Personal experiences, while valid, don’t override the consistent findings from hundreds of scientific studies across diverse populations and cultures.

At what age do parents typically spank children?

You might be surprised by what the research shows. Dr. Grogan-Kaylor and Dr. Shawna Lee found that about a third of parents reported spanking their one-year-old children. One-year-olds cannot reliably remember and act on parent’s instructions. Spanking one-year-olds is unlikely to lead to them remembering and acting on these instructions. Even at age two and three, remembering and acting on instructions is an emerging capability.

What effective alternatives to spanking can parents use instead?

The conversation doesn’t just identify problems—it offers solutions! We offer evidence-based approaches to discipline that improve children’s behavior while strengthening the parent-child relationship. Professor Grogan-Kaylor shares insights about why non-physical discipline methods work better for:

• Teaching children appropriate behavior;
• Supporting the development of emotion regulation;
• Developing problem-solving skills.

What you’ll learn in this episode

• Physical punishment like spanking is considered harmful to children’s development. Even “normal” spanking shows negative outcomes in research studies spanning five decades.
• The scientific evidence showing how spanking increases children’s:
  • Aggression
  • Antisocial behavior
  • Mental health problems.

Dr. Grogan-Kaylor’s comprehensive meta-analysis shows that spanking does not improve children’s behavior.

• How spanking affects children across different cultures, socioeconomic backgrounds, and family situations
• Why spanking should be considered an Adverse Childhood Experience (ACE). This would put it in the same category as other forms of harmful trauma.
• The connection between spanking and increased risk for long-term behavior problems. This can affect a child’s future relationships.
• Effective parenting strategies that build positive relationships. This teaches children appropriate behavior – without resorting to physical discipline
• Why the common defense “I was spanked and I turned out fine” misses important context about child development and trauma

Go from constant struggles and nagging to a new sense of calm & collaboration. I will teach you how to set limits, but we’ll also go waaaay beyond that to learn how to set fewer limits than you ever thought possible.

Click the banner to learn more.

Jump to highlights:

01:33 Introducing today’s episode and featured guest

05:25 The definition of spanking

07:38 The age range advocated by some for spanking, ranging from two to 12 years old

09:20 The effectiveness of spanking

16:16 The critique of positive parenting research, particularly focusing on methodological fallacies outlined by Dr. Lazarle

22:24 The question of whether there might be an optimal level of spanking that leads to maximum compliance in children

24:40 How to handle defiant children who are not complying with milder disciplinary tactics

26:21 How to comprehend the overall impact of spanking on children

32:03 Dr. Diana Baumrind’s surprising involvement in studies on spanking suggesting that authoritative parents, considered successful, spank their children

35:56 The legality of spanking and the absence of legal protection for children against physical punishment

38:11 Arguments against banning spanking, citing studies that suggest little evidence of parents adopting more effective disciplinary tactics after a ban

42:10 Potential cultural and racial differences in the use of spanking

44:09 Wrapping up the discussion

References

Afifi, T.O., Mota, N.P., Dasiewicz, P., MacMillan, H.L., & Sareen, J. (2012). Physical punishment and mental disorders: Results from a nationally representative US sample. Pediatrics 130(2), 184-192.

Afifi, T.O., Ford, D., Gershoff, E.T., Merrick, M., Grogan-Kaylor, A., Ports, K.A., MacMillan, H.L., Holden, G.W., Taylor, C.A., Lee, S.J., & Peters Bennet, R. (2017). Spanking and adult mental health impairment: The case for the designation of spanking as an adverse childhood experience. Child Abuse & Neglect 71, 24-31.

Baumrind, D., Larzelere, R.E., & Cowan, P.A. (2002). Ordinary physical punishment: Is it harmful? Comment on Gershoff (2002). Psychological Bulletin 128(4), 580-589.

Borduin Quetsch, L., Wallace, N.M., Herschell, A.D., & McNeil, C.B. (2015). Weighing in on the Time-Out controversy: An empirical perspective. The Clinical Psychologist 68(2), 4-19. Retrieved from https://www.incredibleyears.com/wp-content/uploads/Weighing-in-on-Time-Out-Borduin-et-al.pdf

Cuartas, J., Ward, K.P., Ma, J., & Grogan-Kaylor, A. (2020). Physical punishment and Colombian children and adolescents’ cognitive and behavioral outcomes. Journal of Applied Developmental Psychology 68, 101140.

Deater-Deckard, K., & Dodge, K.A. (1997). Externalizing behavior problems and discipline revisited: Nonlinear effects and variation by culture, context, and gender. Psychological Inquiry 8(3), 161-175.

Durrant, J.E., Trocme, N., Fallon, B., Milne, C., & Black, T. (2009). Protection of children from physical maltreatment in Canada: An evaluation of the Supreme Court’s definition of reasonable force. Journal of Aggression, Maltreatment & Trauma 18(1), 64-87.

Freeman, M., & Sanders, B.J. (2014). Can we conquer child abuse if we don’t outlaw physical chastisement of children? International Journal of Children’s Rights 22, 681-709.

Gershoff, E.T. (2010). More harm than good: A summary of scientific research on the intended and unintended effects of corporal punishment on children. Law & Contemporary Problems 73, 31-55.

Gershoff, E.T., Lansford, J.E., Sexton, H.R., Davis-Kean, P., & Sameroff, A.J. (2012). Longitudinal links between spanking and children’s externalizing behaviors in a national sample of White, Black, Hispanic, and Asian American families. Child Development 83(3), 838-843.

Gershoff, E.T., Goodman, G.S., Miller-Perrin, C.L., Holden, G.W., Jackson, Y., & Kazdin, A.E. (2018). The strength of the causal evidence against physical punishment of children and its implications for parents, psychologists, and policymakers. American Psychologist 73(5), 626-638.

Gershoff, E.T., & Font, S.A. (2016). Corporal punishment in U.S. public schools: Prevalence, disparities in use, and status in state and federal policy. Social Policy Report 30.

Gershoff, E.T., & Grogan-Kaylor, A. (2016). Race as a moderator of associations between spanking and child outcomes. Family Relations 65(3), 490-501.

Gershoff, E.T., & Grogan-Kaylor, A. (2016). Spanking and child outcomes: Old controversies and new meta-analyses. Journal of Family Psychology 30(4), 453.

Grogan-Kaylor, A. (2004). The effect of corporal punishment on antisocial behavior in children. Social Work Research, 28, 153–162.

Grogan-Kaylor, A. (2004). Corporal punishment and the growth trajectory of children’s antisocial behavior. Child Maltreatment 10(3), 283-292.

Heilmann, A., Mehay, A., Watt, R.G., Kelly, Y., Durant, J.E., van Turnhout, J., & Gershoff, E.T. (2021). Physical punishment and child outcomes: A narrative review of prospective studies. The Lancet. Retrieved from https://www.christian.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/Physical-punishment-and-child-outcomes-June-2021.pdf

Holden, G.W., Williamson, P.A., & Holland, G.W.O. (2014). Eavesdropping on the family: A pilot investigation of corporal punishment in the home. Journal of Family Psychology 28(3), 401-406.

Holden, G.W., Grogan-Kaylor, A., Durrant, J.E., & Gershoff, E. (2017). Researchers deserve a better critique: Response to Larzelere, Gunnoe, Roberts, and Ferguson (2017). Marriage & Family Review 53(5), 465-490.

Horn, I.B., Joseph, J.G., & Cheng, T.L. (2004). Nonabusive physical punishment and child behavior among African American children: A systematic review. Journal of the National Medical Association 96(9), 1162-1168.

Lansford, J.E., Wager, L.B., Bates, J.E., Pettit, G.S., & Dodge, K.A. (2012). Forms of spanking and children’s externalizing behaviors. Family Relations 61(2), 224-236.

Larzelere, R.E., Cox Jr., R.B., & Smith, G.L. (2010). Do nonphysical punishments reduce antisocial behavior more than spanking? A comparison using the strongest previous causal evidence against spanking. BMC Pediatrics 10(1), 1-17.

Larzelere, R.E., & Baumrind, D. (2010). Are spanking injunctions scientifically supported? Law & Contemporary Problems 73(2), 57-87.

Larzelere, R.E., Gunnoe, M.L., Roberts, M.W., & Ferguson, C.J. (2017). Children and parents deserve better parental discipline research: Critiquing the evidence for exclusively “positive” parenting. Marriage & Family Review 53(1), 24-35.

Larzelere, R.E., Knowles, S.J., Henry, C.S., & Ritchie, K.L. (2018). Immediate and long-term effectiveness of disciplinary tactics by type of toddler noncompliance. Parenting: Science and Practice 18, 141-171.

Larzelere, R.E., Ferguson, C.J., Gunnoe, M.L., & Roberts, M.W. (2019). The insufficiency of the evidence used to categorically oppose spanking and its implications for families and psychological science; Comment on Gershoff et al. (2018). American Psychologist 74(4), 497-499.

Larzelere, R.E., Gunnoe, M.J., Roberts, M.W., Lin, H., & Ferguson, C.J. (2020). Causal evidence for Exclusively Positive Parenting and for timeout: Rejoinder to Holden, Grogan-Kaylor, Durrant, and Gershoff (2017). Marriage & Family Review 56(4), 287-319.

Lee, S.J., Grogan-Kaylor, A., & Berger, L. (2014). Parental spanking of 1-year-old children and subsequent child protective services involvement. Child Abuse & Neglect 38(5), 875-883.

Lee, S.J., Pace, G.T., Ward, K.P., Grogan-Kaylor, A., & Ma, J. (2020). Household economic hardship as a moderator of the associations between maternal spanking and child externalizing behavior problems. Child Abuse & Neglect 107, 104573.

Ma, J., Grogan-Kaylor, A., & Lee, S.J. (2019). Does community violence exposure moderate the associations between maternal spanking and early childhood behavior problems? Aggressive Behavior 46, 210-219.

Ma, J., Han, Y., Grogan-Kaylor, A., Delva, J., & Castillo, M. (2012). Corporal punishment and youth externalizing behavior in Santiago, Chile. Child Abuse & Neglect, 36, 481–490.

Paolucci, E.O., & Violato, C. (2004). A meta-analysis of the published research on the affective, cognitive, and behavioral effects of corporal punishment. The Journal of Psychology 138(3), 197-221.

Ward, K.P., Lee, S.J., Pace, G.T., Grogan-Kaylor, A., & Ma, J. (2020). Attachment style and the association of spanking and child externalizing behavior. Academic Pediatrics 20(4), 501-507.

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When I interviewed Dr. Chris Winters last year, I described how we’ve been using a No Set Bedtime method with our daughter Carys.  He used it with his children starting in the Elementary years, and his eyes nearly fell out of his head when I told him we’d been using it since Carys was about three.

In the email about the Dr. Winters interview I asked any listeners who wanted to learn more about this method to be in touch, so in this episode we’ll meet listeners Katherine and Gila.  Katherine’s daughter is three and Gila’s son is seven, and in this episode I explain the No Set Bedtime approach and then they pepper me with questions about how to make it work in their families.  

We recorded our conversation back in November 2021, and in January I followed up with them to see how it’s going.  I share their feedback and my ideas on what’s going well and what they might adjust.

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In this episode we hear from parent Amy, who is a White parent married to a Black man raising four biracial children in Colorado.  Amy has been on quite a journey to explore her role as a descendant of Puritans who came to the United States looking for religious freedom on her father’s side, and of Irish Catholics on her mother’s side.  She sees how her parents were able to get advanced education and a loan to buy a house and start a business, and that from the outside they looked like a pretty happy family.

But behind closed doors, things were not so pretty – they were actually chaotic and volatile.  Amy was an intense, spirited child and her parents didn’t have the tools they needed to meet her needs.  She learned to use her intellect to protect herself, and projected an image of having her stuff together – a habit that she then continued as a parent, as she projected a Supermom-type image.  Our culture rewards us for looking like we’re keeping it together, even when everything’s falling apart inside.

So Amy is a deep believer in dismantling patriarchy (she actually wanted to do this on Wall Street!) and in treating people with respect, but in a sleep-deprived moment after her fourth baby was born she broke up a squabble between two of her older children by pulling them roughly apart and yelled at the older one: “Why did you do that?” (a question for which of course there’s no answer).  

She saw the terrified look on her daughter’s face which brought back the visceral fear she felt at her own parents’ explosive feelings and felt so much pain that she, Amy – the believer in breaking down traditional power structures and treating people with respect – had caused this kind of fear in her own child.

And of course it seemed like the things that really needed to change were her partner, who should stop doing obnoxious things, and her children, who were pushing each other’s buttons and fighting and leaving disgusting blobs of oatmeal on the floor for her to step in with bare feet when she came downstairs in the morning with a baby in her arms that would make her lose her shit before the day even got started.

Over the last few months Amy and her children have been learning new tools to be in right relationship with each other.  It started with learning that Amy did herself, but she shared each idea with her children so they could practice them together.  

Amy is now reparenting herself, in a way, so she can be a different sort of parent to her own children – who now empathize with each other’s struggles, and actively try to support each other in difficult moments rather than throwing more fuel on the fire.  Of course all of this is intimately linked to the reconciliation and healing that Amy wants to see in her relationships with Black and Indigenous people in her life and on the land where she lives.

Taming Your Triggers

If you see that your relationship with your child isn’t where you want it to be because you:

• Speak to them in a tone or using words that you would never let other people use with your child…
• Are rougher with their bodies than you know you should be when you feel frustrated…
• Feel guilt and/or shame about how they’re experiencing your words and actions, even though your intentions are never to hurt them…

…the Taming Your Triggers Workshop will help you.

Click the banner to learn more!

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“I spent the whole morning painting and doing origami and felting projects with my daughter – and not only did she not say “thank you,” but she refused to help clean up!” (I actually said this myself this morning:-))

“We took our son to Disneyland and went on every ride he wanted to go on except one, which was closed, and he spent the rest of the trip whining about how the whole trip was ruined because he didn’t get to go on that one ride.” (I hope I never have to say this one…I’m not sure I could make it through Disneyland in one piece.)

You might recall that we did an episode a while back on manners, and what the research says about teaching manners, and how what the research says about teaching manners comes from the assumption that manners MUST be explicitly taught – that your child will NOT learn to say “thank you” unless you tell your child “say thank you” every time someone gives them a gift.

We also talked about how parent educator Robin Einzig uses the concept of “modeling graciousness” and that if you treat other people graciously, when your child is ready, she will be gracious as well.  The problem here, of course, is that most people expect your child to display some kind of manners before they are developmentally ready to really understand the concept behind it.

But what really underlies manners?  Well, ideas like gratitude.  Because when we train children to say “thank you” before they are ready to do it themselves they might learn to recite the words at the appropriate time, but they aren’t really experiencing gratitude.

Dr. Jonathan Tudge of the University of North Carolina at Greensboro tells us much more about this, and how we can scaffold our child’s ability to experience gratitude, if we decide we might want to do that.

Dr. Tudge’s book, Developing Gratitude in Children and Adolescents (co-edited with Dr. Lia B. L. Freitas) contains lots more academic research on this topic if you’re interested.

References

Halberstadt, A.G., Langley, H.A., Hussong, A.M., Rothenberg, W.A., Coffman, J.L., Mokrova, I., & Costanzo, P.R. (2016). Parents’ understanding of gratitude in children: A thematic analysis. Early Childhood Research Quarterly 36, 439-451.

Kiang, l. Mendonca S., Liang, Y., Payir, A., O’Brien, L.T., Tudge, J.R.H., & Freitas, L.B.L. (2016). If children won lotteries: Materialism, gratitude, and imaginary windfall spending. Young Consumers 17(4), 408-418.

Mendonca, S.E., Mercon-Vargas, E.A., Payir, A., & Tudge, J.R.H. (2018). The development of gratitude in seven societies: Cross-cultural highlights. Cross-Cultural Research 52(1), 135-150.

Mercon-Vargas, E.A., Poelker, A.E., & Tudge, J.R.H. (2018). The development of the virtue of gratitude: Theoretical foundations and cross-cultural issues. Cross-Cultural Research 52(1), 3-18.

Mokrova, I.L., Mercon-Vargas, E.A., & Tudge, J.R.H. (2018). Wishes, gratitude, and spending preferences in Russian Children. Cross-Cultural Research 52(1), 102-116.

Nelson, J.A., Freitas, L.B.L., O’Brien, M., Calkins, S.D., Leerkes, E.M., & Marcovich, S. (2013). Preschool-aged children’s understanding of gratitude: Relations with emotion and mental state knowledge. British Journal of Developmental Psychology 31, 42056.

Tudge, J.R.H., & Freitas, L.B.L. (Eds.) (2018). Developing gratitude in children and adolescents. Cambridge, U.K: Cambridge University Press.

Wang, D., Wang, Y.C., & Tudge, J.R.H. (2015). Expressions of gratitude in children and adolescents: Insights from China and the United States. Journal of Cross-Cultural Psychology 46(8), 1039-1058.

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In just a few years, today’s children and teens will forge careers that look nothing like those that were available to their parents or grandparents. While the U.S. economy becomes ever more information-driven, our system of education seems stuck on the idea that “content is king,” neglecting other skills that 21st century citizens sorely need.

Backed by the latest scientific evidence and illustrated with examples of what’s being done right in schools today, Becoming Brilliant (Affiliate link) introduces the “6Cs” collaboration, communication, content, critical thinking, creative innovation, and confidence along with ways parents can nurture their children’s development in each area.

Join me for an engaging chat with award-winning Professor Roberta Golinkoff about the key takeaways from the book.

References

Duckworth, A. (2016). Grit Scale. Available at: http://angeladuckworth.com/grit-scale/  (Duckworth also wrote a book, although I haven’t read it…yet…: http://angeladuckworth.com/grit-book/)

Dweck, C. (2006). Mindset: The new psychology of success. New York, NY: Random House.

Golinkoff, R.M., & Hirsch-Pasek, K. (2016). Becoming Brilliant: What science tells us about raising successful children.  Washington, D.C.: American Psychological Association.

Kohn, A. (1999). Punished By Rewards. Boston: Houghton Mifflin.

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Sleep!  It’s a topic that’s on pretty much every parent’s mind.  We’ve already looked at this from a cultural perspective, where we learned our Western approach to sleep is by no means universal, and that this can result in quite a few of the problems we face in getting our children to sleep.

In this episode we dive deep into the practicalities of sleep with Dr. Chris Winter, who has practiced sleep medicine and neurology since 2004.  His first book, The Sleep Solution, Why Your Sleep Is Broken and How To Fix It (affiliate link) was focused on adults’ sleep challenges, and I’ve been putting the ideas in it into practice and have been getting better sleep as a result.

His new book is The Rested Child: Why Your Tired, Wired, or Irritable Child May Have a Sleep Disorder–And How to Help (affiliate link), and is based on Dr. Winters’ almost two decades of experience of evaluating children in the sleep clinic that he founded.

We’ll look at ways that you can get more sleep (or maybe even more rest that feels almost as restful as sleep), whether you can shift your (or your child’s!) sleep patterns, how to banish bedtime struggles for good, and so much more!

This episode is for all parents, but especially for those who are expecting or have a child under the age of one, and who are desperately trying to get more sleep (or worried about being in that phase of life in the near future!).  We’ll help you get started on the right foot so you can know you’re doing the best for your child – and for yourself as well.

Dr. Chris Winter’s Books: