• What parents dismiss as children’s “wants” – attention-seeking, resistance, ignoring requests, arguing – are almost always needs expressing themselves the only way a child knows how.
• Examples of children’s needs include connection, belonging, comfort, play, autonomy, and respect.
• You’ve probably heard that all behavior is communication.  The thing it’s trying to communicate is the child’s need, which helps you to meet their need rather than just redirecting the behavior.
• When children can’t find ways to meet their needs, pressure builds and comes out as the behavior that’s driving you up the wall. 
• Identifying your child’s needs is key to getting everyone’s needs met more of the time. When a child’s need for connection is met earlier in the day, bedtime tends to go more smoothly. When a child’s need for autonomy is met, resistance tends to decrease.
• When you name the need instead of addressing only the behavior, more solutions appear – ones that work for both of you.

If you read the first post in this series, you already know that what parents call needs are often strategies – one specific way they’re hoping a real need will get met. “I need the house under control” points to a need for ease. “I need you to unload the dishwasher” points to a need for support or partnership.

This post is about the other side of that equation. Because most of us grow up not understanding our needs we don’t know our own needs – or our kids’ needs either.  “They just want attention.” “They just want to play.” “They want to control everything.” This sounds like a child who makes incessant demands. But in almost every case, the want is a need – expressing itself the only way a child knows how.

What Are Needs And Why Do Children’s Needs Look Different From Adults’?

If you haven’t read the first post in this series, here’s the short version: in Nonviolent Communication (NVC), needs are the conditions every person requires in order to thrive – not just physically, but in their relationships and in their sense of themselves in the world. 

Children have some of the same needs as adults – connection, autonomy, rest, and safety (although many parents find their needs for ease, mental space, and self-care are most prominent!). 

But there’s an important difference: children don’t yet have the language to name what they need. A parent who is longing for rest can say “I’m going to sit down for five minutes” – and set up the conditions to make it happen. A two-year-old who is longing for connection can’t say “I need more closeness with you right now.” What they can do is follow you from room to room, melt down at bedtime, or grab their sibling’s toy, so you pay attention to them.

The behavior is the communication. And the question ask every time is: what need is this behavior pointing toward?

The needs list is organized into eight categories that apply to children and adults alike: Connection, Peace, Honesty, Meaning, Safety, Autonomy, Relaxation/Leisure, and Physical Well-Being. 

Kids with strong sensory needs might not be able to do anything before their need for comfort is met.  Many Autistic kids feel much more settled when their needs for order and consistency are met.  Most parents I work with have strong needs for rest, ease, and collaboration. 

Different people, different needs – but we all have them in some form.

7 Things Children Do That Parents Read as “Wants” – and the Needs They are Really Pointing To

Just as what parents call needs are often strategies pointing to something deeper, what parents dismiss as their children’s wants are almost always needs.

Click here to download the 7 Things Children Do That Parents Read as Wants – and the Needs They are Pointing To

1. “They just want attention.” (Stalling at bedtime, clinging at school drop-off, following you from room to room)

Underlying need: Connection; belonging; to be understood

A child who stalls at bedtime or refuses to separate at school drop-off is longing to feel like they belong – that they matter to you and that you truly get them. The behavior tends to intensify when that sense of belonging has been harder to come by, and ease up when it has been more present.

One strategy: Build a Special Time routine earlier in the day – even 10 minutes of uninterrupted time where your child leads the play and your phone is away. A child whose longing for belonging is being met regularly is less likely to try to squeeze it out of every bedtime moment.

2. “They want to make everything difficult.” (Hitting, screaming, refusing to get dressed, melting down over small things)

Underlying need: Comfort; broad autonomy; connection

A child who seems to go from zero to sixty in no time may have been dealing with too much or too little sensory input for hours before the meltdown. Your request or your “no” is often just the last straw, not the real cause.

We also know that when we have a hard time, the thing that happened in the moment was just the last straw, not the actual source of the pressure. 

Finally, kids often ‘try to make things difficult’ when they want to connect with us, because it’s an effective strategy to get our attention.  

Strategies to try: Look at what was happening in the environment before the behavior started. Was it loud, crowded, or physically uncomfortable? Was your child cold, hungry, or in clothes that bothered them? Addressing the sensory environment before the next difficult stretch often reduces the behavior without any direct intervention.

If we’re seeing behavior that looks like ‘they want to make everything difficult’ across a broad array of situations, it’s worth checking to see if the child is asking for a much greater ability to make decisions that are important to them.

A Special Time routine can help you rule out connection as the underlying need; if the behavior persists, then there are other needs at play too.

3. “They always want to have their own toys – and everyone else’s too!” (Inability or unwillingness to share/be flexible)

Underlying need: Respect; consideration; connection

‘Sharing’ is a really hard concept for young children who don’t have a great awareness of time!  As far as they can tell, the instruction to “Share!” means: “Give up the toy you’re enjoying playing with, with no clear idea of when you’ll get it back.”  It’s no wonder kids resist!

Strategies to try: 

This blog post on sharing goes into much greater depth on how to approach this issue.

Be honest about time yourself: if you’re asking your child to wait five minutes, say: “I’ll be there in five minutes,” not “Just a sec!”.  Then make sure you’re there within five minutes – this helps children to learn a sense of time.

Set aside a few toys that are your child’s alone, and designate everything else fair game for everyone to play with.

Encourage children to develop strategies other than “one child gives up a toy when the adult says so.”  The children might be able to use a timer themselves; they can learn strategies to make waiting easier; or if you can uncover why each one wants the toy, another toy might be substitutable.  All of these strategies allow needs for respect and consideration to be met.

It is possible that toy-taking is a bid for play with their sibling/peer, or for connection with you (if you appear as soon as their sibling cries because the toy was taken).  Special time can help if this is the case.

Finally, sharing gets easier as more cognitive development comes online.  It won’t be like this forever!

4. “They just want to play all the time, but I need to cook dinner.” (Resisting transitions away from play, ignoring requests, saying “just one more minute” repeatedly)

Underlying need: Play; joy; connection; autonomy

Most of us were taught when we were children that play is a waste of time, so we devalue it.  We prioritize work and make sure it comes first: if our child asks us to play, we might say: “I can’t; I need to work/tidy up/cook dinner.”  Play (and rest!) are rewards we have to earn and can access if and only if all the work gets done.

But play is how children learn.  It is their work, and their work is just as valuable as ours.  

Parent Liann found a sense of lightness and ease when she started resting before she did chores, instead of after.

Strategies to try: 

Treat their play with the same respect you would want someone to show your work. Ask when they will be done (in the context of other activities you both want to do that day), instead of imposing your time limit on them.

If your child really appreciates play, bring to mind a task they often resist.  Work with them to create a menu of playful ways you can approach it together.  (Note: this only ‘works’ if there aren’t other needs at play as well, e.g. autonomy.)  

Try playing (and resting!) more often yourself – maybe even before you do chores!

5. “They want to control everything.” (Refusing to brush teeth, resisting getting dressed, saying no to things that seem reasonable)

Underlying need: Autonomy; choice

A child who resists toothbrushing or getting dressed is not trying to make your life harder. They are longing for a say over things that have a meaningful impact on their lives. 

When parents say “I need you to brush your teeth,” that is a strategy to meet a need for the child’s physical safety – not the need itself. The child has needs too, and choice is often one of them.

Strategies to try:

Some issues really are about health and safety.  In that context, try to find as much flexibility as you can within the framework of making the activity happen.  Which toothbrush, which toothpaste flavor, which tooth first, which room they brush in, and potentially whether they brush twice a day or only once. A child who has some say over how something happens is often much more willing to do it.

6. “They want to push my buttons.” (Tantrums, hitting a sibling, not stopping when asked, doing the exact thing you just said not to do)

Underlying need: Respect, autonomy

A child who tantrums or keeps doing the thing you just told them to stop may be longing to be taken seriously – for their experience and perspective to be considered rather than overridden. A tantrum is often a signal that something is really important to them (when you’ve ruled out basic physical needs: hunger, tiredness, sensory input).

One strategy: Before redirecting the behavior, try to understand what the child was attempting to do or communicate. “What were you trying to do?” or “Why is this important to you?” are the questions that open that door. A child who experiences being taken seriously tends to need to escalate far less.

7. “They want to fight about everything.” (Resisting chores, arguing back, refusing to cooperate with simple requests)

Underlying need: Collaboration, ease

Resistance to chores or simple requests is often more about the child’s longing to feel like a participant rather than a subordinate. What looks like a child refusing to put clothes in the hamper is often a child who wants to be part of figuring out how the household works – not just handed a list of rules to follow.

One strategy: Instead of telling them to do it, ask what they would be willing to do. “I do not want the clothes to stay on the floor. What could we do to make sure that does not happen?” A child who helps come up with the solution is far more likely to follow through with it.

And if they still resist, the task may be too difficult for them.  If you have a need for collaboration, work together to find a task your child is willing and able to help with.  My daughter found making her lunches under time pressure on weekday mornings to be overwhelming.  So I make her lunch and she unloads the dishwasher, which requires much less mental effort and meets her need for ease.

Every child has a mix of needs that shows up again and again that drive most of their behavior most of the time. The free Child’s Needs Quiz helps you identify which needs tend to be loudest for your child, and what you can do to meet them.

What Happens When Needs Aren’t Met?

This is when you start to see behaviors you don’t like.

A child looking for connection might do things you’ve told them not to do, because they know this gets your attention.

A child who needs autonomy will refuse to do what you ask, stomp around as they do what you ask, or have a meltdown.

A child who needs movement will bounce off the walls.

The problem with telling them not to do the behavior is that the pressure stays in place. You redirect the hitting and something else comes up. You stop the meltdown and the next one arrives sooner than you expected. The need is still there, asking to be met.

The less we attend to what’s underneath the behavior, the more the behavior intensifies. And the more we can learn to recognize what a child is longing for, the more the behavior starts to make sense and the more we can help.

How to Identify What Your Child Needs

One of the most common things parents discover when they first work with a needs framework is that they don’t always know what their child needs in a given moment. The behavior is clear, but the need underneath it is harder to locate.

Start by ruling out the basics. Is your child hungry, tired, or physically uncomfortable? These physical needs – food, rest, comfort – are often the starting point, especially for younger children. When those are met and the behavior persists, look further.

From there, the needs list is a practical reference. The needs list is organized into categories you can move through quickly, even in a difficult moment. The picture version is particularly useful with children – you can point to pictures together and ask “I’m wondering if you’re needing some of this right now?” This gives children language for what they’re experiencing before the behavior escalates.

The Child’s Needs Quiz helps you identify which needs tend to show up most often for your child, so you’re not starting from scratch every time a difficult moment arrives.

Final Thoughts

What parents dismiss as children’s wants are almost always needs – expressing themselves the only way a child knows how. A child who won’t share is longing for respect or connection. A child who seems to make everything difficult may be dealing with a sensory environment that’s already at capacity before you’ve even asked them to do anything.

When you can see the need underneath the behavior, the behavior stops being something to stop and starts being something to respond to. And when both people’s needs are held with equal care – yours and your child’s – then you’re no longer trying to change their behavior; you’re in a relationship where both of your needs are met more of the time.

Get More Support

Reading about needs is one thing. Using the framework in the middle of a meltdown is another.

The Parenting Membership is where the framework becomes a practice. Each month covers a specific area of parenting grounded in peer-reviewed research. Module 1 focuses specifically on difficult behavior: how to see it coming, what need is underneath it, and how to navigate it collaboratively rather than reactively.

You also get direct access to monthly group coaching calls where you can bring your specific situation – the child who won’t cooperate with getting dressed, the sibling conflict that seems to have no solution, the bedtime routine that’s eating an hour every night – and work through it with real support.

Parent Stacey shared this about the membership:

“I enjoy being part of the parenting community. The modules have given me useful reflection. Understanding different needs in my child has reduced conflict. The coaching and groups have been the most influential.” 

Click the banner to learn more

Frequently Asked Questions on Children’s Needs

1. What are childhood emotional needs?

Children have the same universal human needs as adults – connection, safety, autonomy, rest, and more. When those needs aren’t being attended to, behavior is usually the signal. A child who hits may be longing for connection. A child who refuses may be longing for autonomy or predictability. The free Child’s Needs Quiz helps parents identify which need tends to drive their child’s behavior most – and what to do about it.

2. What is an example of a child’s want that is really a need?

A child who won’t stop following you from room to room seems like they just want attention. But that behavior is almost always pointing to a need for connection or belonging. A child who fights about brushing their teeth seems like they want to be difficult. Underneath it is often a need for autonomy – a say over something that is important to them.

3. What happens when children’s needs aren’t met?

When a child’s need isn’t being attended to, pressure builds and comes out as behavior we don’t like. Hitting, clinging, refusing, melting down, fighting about everything are almost always signals. Addressing only the behavior leaves the pressure in place. A different behavior will show up soon enough. The question to ask every time is: what need is this behavior pointing to?

4. How do you explain needs and wants to kids?

Children learn needs language by hearing adults use it. When you say “I’m feeling overwhelmed by the noise right now; I need some mental space,” you’re giving your child the vocabulary and permission to do the same. The picture version of the YPM needs list is also a practical tool – pointing to pictures together helps children name what they’re experiencing before the behavior escalates.

5. How do you identify what your child needs?

Start by ruling out the basics – hunger, tiredness, and physical discomfort are often the starting point, especially for younger children. From there, the needs list is a practical reference organized into categories you can scan quickly. The Child’s Needs Quiz helps you identify which needs show up most often for your child so you’re not starting from scratch every time a difficult moment arrives.

References

Craig, A. How do you feel? Interoception: the sense of the physiological condition of the body. Nat Rev Neurosci 3, 655–666 (2002). https://doi.org/10.1038/nrn894 

Lumanlan, J. (2026, June 28). Attention-Seeking Behavior in Kids: The Surprisingly Simple Fix Most Parents Miss. Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/special-time-parenting/ 

Lumanlan, J. (2022, October 9). 169: How to take care of yourself first with Liann Jensen. Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/captivate-podcast/liann/ 

Lumanlan, J. (2018, July 25). An age-by-age guide to teaching your child to share. Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/sharing/ 

Lumanlan, J. (n.d-a). Needs list. Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/needs/ 

Lumanlan, J. (n.d-b). Identifying Your Child’s Needs Quiz. Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/childs-needs-quiz/ 

Walden, M. (n.d.). The purpose of NVC. The Center for Nonviolent Communication. https://www.cnvc.org/about/purpose-of-nvc 

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• A need is what every person requires to feel grounded, connected, and at ease. We all have different needs, but we all have needs!
• Examples of needs include autonomy, connection, partnership, rest, ease, and competence (often in parenting).
• A want is one specific strategy for meeting a need. The same need can almost always be met in more than one way. 
• What parents call needs – “I need you to tidy your room,” and “I need a break” – are often strategies pointing to real needs like ease, rest, or competence. 
• When we long for our needs to be met, we can become frustrated, angry, and resentful.  
• Identifying your needs is key to getting them met.  When you have a need for connection, talking with a friend will meet your need more effectively than eating a pint of ice cream.  (When you need indulgence, the ice cream is a more effective strategy!)  A needs list helps you identify your needs efficiently.
• When you name the real need instead of pushing for one specific strategy, more potential solutions appear.

I remember saying to my daughter when she was about two: “You WANT to play, but I NEED to cook dinner.”

It feels true at the moment. The cooking is urgent; we have to eat. Playing is optional – it can be done once chores are complete. One is a need, one is a want – and I decide which is which.

But then I learned the way I was thinking about it was making it harder for me, not easier.

In Nonviolent Communication (NVC), needs are what every person – adult or child – requires to feel grounded, connected, and at ease. And what we tend to call our “needs” as parents – getting dinner cooked, having the house under control, getting everyone out the door – are often wants, or strategies: one specific way we’re hoping a real need will get met.

Meanwhile, what we tend to dismiss as our children’s “wants” – play, physical closeness, having a say, being taken seriously – are needs too.

This post focuses on the parent side of that equation: seven things parents call needs that are strategies pointing to something deeper. If you want to explore what’s underneath your child’s behavior, the next post in this series covers that too. 

What Are Needs?

In NVC, a need is something people require in order to thrive, including physical needs like food and water, and intangible ones like respect, meaning, and connection. 

The needs list organizes these into eight categories:

• Connection: acceptance, belonging, love, empathy, trust, being understood
• Peace: calm, ease, order, harmony, respect
• Honesty: authenticity, integrity, presence
• Meaning: growth, creativity, learning, purpose, competence
• Safety: consistency, physical and emotional security
• Autonomy: choice, freedom, independence, space
• Relaxation/Leisure: play, fun, rest, joy, mental space
• Physical Well-Being: food, water, sleep, exercise, self-care

Note that this list is not exhaustive – it’s intended to be an approachable starting point for overwhelmed parents.

Evidence indicates that needs of autonomy, competence, and connectedness are somewhat universal, although individuals have variations in how strongly they show up.

Download the free printable needs list here – there is also a picture version you can use with your child.

What Is the Difference Between Needs and Wants?

A need is what you require to feel connected, purposeful, and at ease. A want, or strategy, is how you picture that need getting met.

Mara Glatzel, author of Needy: How to Advocate for Your Needs and Claim Your Sovereignty, described it this way in a conversation on the Your Parenting Mojo podcast: the need is the what, and the want is the how. The need might be rest, mental space, or ease. The want is the specific form you are hoping that need arrives in.

I might express a need for mental space by saying: “You need to be quiet,” or “I need you to stop jumping on the couch.”

When I frame my want as a need, I end up working against my child.  When I instead identify my need for mental space, I come up with many potential options to meet my need, depending on the child’s need:

• My child continues jumping on the couch and I move to another room (‘works’ if the child needs movement/play)
• My child continues jumping on the couch and I wear earplugs (child: movement/play)
• I ask if my child is willing to jump on the trampoline outside (child: movement/play)
• I offer to read a story to my child or propose some other quiet activity (child: connection – they were jumping when they know it’s prohibited to get your attention)
• I ask if my child is willing to stop jumping on the couch so I can stay in the room (child: movement/play, connection)
• I reorganize my day so I arrive at the end of it with more mental capacity 

One parent told me: “The idea that I could change my behavior to meet my need was revelatory.”

When we understand what need we’re trying to meet, and what need our child is trying to meet, 90+% of the time we can find strategies to meet both of our needs.

7 Things Parents Call Needs – and the Real Needs They’re Pointing To

Each of these sounds like a need. And it is – just not the one you think. Underneath each one is a deeper longing and when we understand that, we’re more likely to get it met.

Click here to download the 7 Things Parents Call Needs – and the Real Needs They’re Pointing To

1. “I need everyone to stop talking to me.”

Real needs: Rest; mental space

When this shows up, our needs for rest and mental space are likely severely depleted.  A moment of quiet and solitude allows you to re-regulate if you’re triggered by your child’s behavior, and reconnect with your values.  

Strategies to try:

• Mara Glatzel says ‘rest’ is anything that gives you more energy than it takes to do it.  Adding time to connect with other adults, take a class in something you enjoy, and move in a way that feels good to you may benefit you more than additional sleep.
• Assess how your energy is doing overall.  If the only thing you can do at the end of most days is collapse in front of Netflix, try to adjust your day to reduce the demands on you.
• Build a two minute buffer between one demand and the next. Before the day starts, or before you walk back into the house after work, pause and ask yourself: “How am I doing right now? What is my energy like?” Then adjust the next task to account for your energy level.
• Try to match your tasks to your energy level.  Do tasks you find demanding in periods of the day when you have more energy, and save the ones you find easy for when you have less capacity.

2. “I need the house to be under control.”

Real need: Ease; safety; to be perceived as competent 

A chaotic environment can make it hard to think and hard to feel steady for some people. Getting things ‘under control’ is one strategy pointing to a real need for ease. 

And stepping on tiny LEGOs can hurt!  When you can’t move through your environment without hurting yourself, your need for safety isn’t met.

We judge people, and we expect others to judge us, by the condition of our living environment and we worry that people will think we’re incompetent if our space isn’t tidy.

Strategies to try:

• Pick one small area – a counter, a table, a corner of the room where you work – and focus only on that. That can help you to get some of the mental benefits of order without having to tidy your whole space
• Agree with your child on a level of tidiness you can both live with, even if it isn’t your ideal.  One example: their LEGOs stay in their room, and there’s a clear path from the door to the bed.
• Accept that their need for play is valid and important, and that reflects positively on your competence in parenting (so they don’t have to tidy up)

3. “I just need my child to listen.”

Real need: Predictability; collaboration; competence

This statement can point to several different needs depending on the moment:

• Predictability – you want to be able to count on transitions going smoothly. 
• Collaboration – so you’re more on the same team. 
• Competence – you want to feel confident in parenting – that you’re doing this right.

Strategies to try:

Each of these needs can be met by working to understand your child’s needs, which is why they’re resisting doing what you’re asking.  Remember parent Chrystal, whose child would refuse to get dressed every morning.  When Chrystal asked why she didn’t want to get dressed, her child said: “Because I like knowing you were the last person to touch my clothes in the morning” (need for connection).  

When Chrystal met her child’s need for connection by helping her get dressed, Chrystal’s own needs for predictability, collaboration, and competence in parenting were met too.

4. “I need you to stop fighting with your sibling”

Real need: Mental safety; peace; ease; harmony; competence in parenting

Sibling fighting pushes our buttons in several ways.  

If we had a difficult relationship with our siblings, it might remind us of hurts we suffered at their hands.

If we have a great relationship with our siblings, current conflict might cause us to worry that our own kids won’t have what we have.

And when we’re constantly intervening to keep the peace it’s hard to meet our needs for peace, ease, and harmony.

Strategies to try:

Parents often think they either have to tell their kids how to settle every squabble – or leave them to completely sort things out by themselves.

I advocate for a middle path: when siblings understand why the other is doing things they find irritating (in other words, when they understand their sibling’s needs), they can often find strategies to meet both of their needs.

Mom Adrianna couldn’t go to the bathroom without her kids tearing each other’s hair out.  She started by meeting 5-year-old Bodhi’s needs more of the time.  Then Dad Tim joined in too.  One day, 3-year-old Remi started coloring on Bodhi’s paper, which previously would have provoked armageddon.  Bodhi said: “Do you want connection because we haven’t played yet today?  Shall we play together and then you can color on your paper and I’ll color on mine?” 

These kids picked it up quickly…it’s more common for parents to scaffold by asking each child how they feel and what their needs are, and supporting them in hearing the other.  This episode walks you through it step by step.

5. “I need you to unload the dishwasher”

Real need: Support; partnership; shared responsibility

I once picked a fight with my husband because he didn’t unload the dishwasher.  Ultimately it wasn’t really about the dishwasher; I had needs for support and partnership that I didn’t know how to articulate.  Waiting for my partner to notice my needs (or picking fights over wants/strategies) are not very effective ways of getting needs met – and tend to build frustration, anger, and resentment instead.

Strategies to try:

Sit down with your partner and ask about what’s going on for them first.  What needs do they have that they’d like help getting met?  After you’ve uncovered their needs, they’re going to be much more receptive to hearing about your needs, and supporting you in meeting them.

Be explicit about your needs, but try to be open to multiple strategies to meet them.  My partner could have helped me meet my needs for support and partnership by unloading the dishwasher…or by taking our daughter out so I could work, or cooking a meal, or going grocery shopping…  If he didn’t like unloading the dishwasher, there were still ways he could have supported me.  

The more we can be open to multiple strategies, the more likely we are to get our needs met.

6. “I need bedtime to stop taking so long.”

Real need: Rest; ease; mental space; self-care

Parents often feel frustrated when daily routines seem to take foreverrrrr…especially at the end of the day when our capacity is low.  And our kids can seem intent on dragging these routines out for as long as humanly possible.

The needs lens helps us to understand why: extra-long routines often happen right before a separation (preschool/school; bedtime), which often points to a need for connection.

Strategy to try:

Special Time is one of the most powerful tools we have to address attention-seeking behavior in kids.  When we snap at our spouse, we know it isn’t really about what our spouse just said or did – but everything that was said and done this morning, yesterday, last week, and last year (remember: it’s not about the dishwasher).  So the fix isn’t just related to the specific situation either.

This presents an opportunity – we can use 10 minutes of consistent daily Special Time where your child gets to choose what you play to improve your connection, and it doesn’t have to happen at bedtime when you’re depleted!  

This post and printable walk you through exactly how to do it.

7. “I need to feel normal again.”

Real need: Rest; competence

This one tends to come up in difficult periods – after a new baby, during a challenging stretch with a child, or when burnout has set in. The real need is to feel competent again – to have some part of daily life be manageable and not overwhelming.

Strategies to try:

• Remember that you’re a whole person, not just a parent!  Do an activity you used to enjoy before you had kids.
• Go out with your partner or meet up with a friend and do not talk about your kids for the entire time.
• Create more rest by going to bed earlier, doing mindfulness practice while you help your child get to sleep, doing an activity you enjoy…
• Look for something that’s going well – even if it’s small.  How did you make that happen? What strengths did you use, and how can you use those in situations where you’re struggling?

Final Thoughts

What parents call needs are strategies – one specific way each person is hoping a real need will get met. And when you can see that, it stops being about pushing for one specific outcome and starts being about what could work.

When you can step back from a specific strategy and ask what need is underneath it, you change what the problem looks like. The seven examples in this post are a starting point, but the same reframe works anywhere you find yourself stuck.

The needs list is a good place to start. If you want to go deeper into how to use feelings alongside needs, the feelings list has the words you need to name what’s going on. 

And if you’ve ever found yourself thinking “they just want attention” or “they just want to play” – the same reframe works for your child too. The next post in this series walks through seven things children do that parents read as wants, and the needs they’re really pointing to. 

Links to books are affiliate links, which means I receive a small commission that does not affect the price you pay.

Free Parenting Resources to Help You Get Started

Everything mentioned in this post is available for free in one place. The needs list and feelings list come in printable and picture versions you can use yourself or with your child. You can also find other helpful downloadables like The 5-Step Special Time Guide and How to Resolve Parenting Arguments.

Click the banner to learn more. 

Frequently Asked Questions About Needs and Wants

1. What is the difference between needs and wants?

A need is what every person requires to feel grounded, connected, and at ease. A want is one specific way you picture that need getting met. In this framework, wants are strategies – and there are almost always multiple strategies that can meet the same need. When you know the need underneath the want, you have more options than pushing for one specific outcome.

2. What is a list of needs?

This needs list organizes universal human needs into eight categories: Connection, Peace, Honesty, Meaning, Safety, Autonomy, Relaxation, and Physical Well-Being. Each category includes specific needs like belonging and trust under Connection, or rest and mental space under Relaxation. 

3. What is an example of a need vs. want?

A parent saying “I need the house to be under control” sounds like a need. But getting the house under control is one strategy – a want – pointing to a need for ease or safety. A parent saying “I need a break” is pointing to a real need for rest. In each case, knowing the need opens up more than one way to meet it.

4. What happens when needs aren’t met?

When a need isn’t being attended to, pressure builds. In adults, that pressure shows up as irritability, exhaustion, or resentment.

5. How do you identify your needs?

Start with your body. Tension, a clenched jaw, or exhaustion behind your eyes are signals that something is running low. From there, scan a needs list and look for the word that resonates.

The needs list is organized into categories so you can move through it quickly. A simple daily check-in – “How am I doing right now?” – also builds the habit of noticing before the pressure builds up.  You will likely find that similar needs crop up for you (rest, ease, self care, mental space) over and over, which means you don’t have to look at the list every time.

6. How do you meet your needs?

Start by naming the real need rather than pushing for one specific strategy. Once you know the need, more strategies become available. The longing for rest doesn’t only get met by an hour alone – you might be able to rest doing an activity you enjoy, or connecting with a friend. For needs that involve other people, try stating your need and asking for help in meeting it – this makes it much less likely you’ll experience frustration, anger, and resentment.

Resources

Chen, B., Vansteenkiste, M., Beyers, W. et al. Basic psychological need satisfaction, need frustration, and need strength across four cultures. Motiv Emot 39, 216–236 (2015). https://doi.org/10.1007/s11031-014-9450-1 

Lumanlan, J. (2026, June 28). Attention-Seeking Behavior in Kids: The Surprisingly Simple Fix Most Parents Miss. Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/special-time-parenting/ 

Lumanlan, J. (2026, March 29). 261: Why Your Kids Fight (It’s Not What You Think). Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/captivate-podcast/sibling-conflict-resolution/ 

Lumanlan, J. (2024, April 14). 209: How to get on the same page as your parenting partner. Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/captivate-podcast/parentingpartners/ 

Lumanlan, J. (2023, June 11). 186: How to meet your needs with Mara Glatzel. Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/captivate-podcast/needy/ 

Lumanlan, J. (2022, May 1). 155: How to get your child to listen to you. Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/captivate-podcast/listen/ 

Lumanlan, J. (2019, July 7). 094: Using nonviolent communication to parent more peacefully. Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/captivate-podcast/nvc/ 

Lumanlan, J. (n.d-a). Feelings list. Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/feelings/

Lumanlan, J. (n.d-b). Needs list. Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/needs/ 

Rosenberg, M. B. (2003). Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life. 

Saxbe, D. E., & Repetti, R. (2010). No Place Like Home: Home Tours Correlate With Daily Patterns of Mood and Cortisol. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 36(1), 71-81. https://doi.org/10.1177/0146167209352864 

Walden, M. (n.d.). The purpose of NVC. The Center for Nonviolent Communication. https://www.cnvc.org/about/purpose-of-nvc 

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1. All parenting book authors promote a vision for society – some prioritize teaching kids to obey authority, while respectful parenting approaches emphasize collaboration (though they often still position the parent’s goals as the ‘right’ ones).
2. The top parenting books I recommend don’t focus on getting compliance. Instead, they help you understand your child’s needs and build relationships where everyone matters.
3. Great parenting books show how to move beyond rewards and punishments using positive discipline and nonviolent communication strategies.
4. Respectful approaches to parenting start in infancy (asking babies permission during diaper changes) and continue through teen years (collaborative problem-solving instead of punishment).
5. Reading respectful parenting books gives you knowledge, but real change happens when you practice these ideas with coaching support and community.

Most parenting books don’t tell you about the world they’re trying to create.

But every single one of them has a vision for what society should look like. And that vision shows up in the strategies they teach you to use with your kids.

When an author gives you methods to get immediate compliance with your demands, they’re really talking about power. They’re saying that people should comply with the demands of those who have more power. That your child’s job is to do what you tell them to do, when you tell them to do it.

If our vision for an ideal world is where people who have power manipulate everyone else, then our values are aligned with our actions when we use tools from these books.

But if we hope to create a world where people work together to meet everyone’s needs, then these obedience-based books won’t get us where we want to go.  We can’t raise a child using compliance-based tools and expect them not to use power over others when they leave our homes. 

If we want to raise children – and adults who can understand their own feelings and needs, and also care about other people’s feelings and needs, we have to model how to do that.  If we want them to work on dismantling racial and gender power structures, we have to dismantle our power structures at home.  If we want them to come to us when they’re teens even when they’re in really dire situations (rather than hiding their mistakes from us) we have to show them when they’re little that we will hear their perspective and try to meet both  of our needs.  In my opinion, the best parenting books help us to put these ideas into practice.

Too often, parenting book authors don’t make these ideas clear.  They simply present ‘parenting tools,’ and because parenting is already hard, it’s assumed by authors and parents alike that anything that gets kids to do what parents say – to ‘listen’ – is a Good Thing.

If we don’t take the extra step of figuring out what the author’s ideas are about how the world should work, and what we want our relationship with our child to be like as they get older, we might end up using tools that aren’t aligned with our values.  

For example, I recently worked with a parent who was struggling to get their toddler to stay in bed in the evenings – bedtime routine that used to take 20 minutes now took two hours of screaming and exasperation.  Another parent had recommended a Time Out each time the child left their room.  The parent said: “That doesn’t feel right to me.”  They wanted to have a great relationship with their kid as she got older.  Using Time Outs says: “I don’t care why you’re coming out of your room; all that matters is that you stay in your room – because I say so.”  

Instead, we worked to understand why the toddler was coming out of her room – she had recently weaned, and was missing that connection with Mom.  She also wasn’t tired, and was afraid she was missing out.  The parent started:

• A daily Special Time practice (10 minutes of predictable daily play time focused on the child’s interests);
• Beginning bedtime routine later, when the child seemed tired, instead of early and before the child was tired;
• Turning off all the lights in the house when the child went to bed (and turning them back on again 20 minutes later once she was soundly asleep).

Within a week, bedtime routine was manageable again – no Time Outs or power-over moves required.

So if you pick up a parenting book, I’d encourage you to try to understand: what kinds of tools is this author recommending?  What do those tools say about what they believe about our relationship with kids, and what the world should be like?  And are those ideas aligned with what kind of relationship I want to have with my kids, and what I believe the world should be like?

This list of top parenting books helped me learn how to parent in a way that creates that world. These books are in the approximate order in which I encountered them. Not all of them are about parenting, but each of them taught me something that I see as important to my parenting today.

These aren’t your typical parenting book recommendations. You won’t find books here that focus on getting kids to behave or comply. Instead, these books focus on understanding children’s needs and building relationships where everyone matters. 

Before we dive in, I want to mention that there while there are many great parenting books available, there are some I specifically don’t recommend. The “Your X-Year-Old Child” series is one example. These books treat children’s behavior as fixed by their age, rather than as responses to their environment and attempts to meet their needs. If you’ve been relying on those books, this podcast episode explains why I suggest putting them aside.

Now, here are the books that have shaped my approach to parenting:

Click here to download the 12 Top Parenting Books That Focus on Connection Over Compliance

Parenting Book Recommendation #1: Your Self-Confident Baby: How to Encourage Your Child’s Natural Abilities – From the Very Start – Magda Gerber.  

A friend told me about this book when my daughter Carys was about three months old. I was standing in the shower one day, thinking: “How am I going to discipline her, and also not be the disliked parent?” (That I was thinking about discipline at three months old tells you something about the parenting I grew up with.)

The friend came over to visit us with their toddler, Jack.  Their child ran down our hallway toward our bedroom, and the parent said: “Jack, please don’t go in the bedroom – it’s private.  You can go in the baby’s room or come back here to the living room.”  Jack stood on the threshold of our bedroom, peeked in, and then ran back to the living room.

My jaw hit the floor, and I said: “How did you DO that??!”

This was the book the parent recommended.  Before reading it, I couldn’t have imagined that it was even possible to treat an infant respectfully (or disrespectfully!).  I started slowing down my diaper changes, talking through what I was going to do (even today, Carys will say to the cats at the animal shelter where we volunteer: “I’m going to pick you up now”!), and asking permission to do things to her body as soon as she was old enough to express a preference.

I later produced two related podcast episodes: one introducing Gerber’s Resources for Infant Educarers (RIE), and the other looking at whether RIE is backed up by academic research (as it wasn’t developed using research as a foundation).

It’s said that kids ‘age out’ of RIE at age two – likely because they become more able to express their ideas about what they think should happen.  And then other tools become more useful…

Parenting Book Recommendation #2: Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason – Alfie Kohn.  

This book changed my world, and helped me to see how parenting a child aged 2+ could be about something other than compliance.  Many of Kohn’s ideas – and his use of academic research to underpin his ideas – are still with me today:

• Punishments and rewards are really tightly related (it’s not that one is ‘bad’ and the other is ‘good’; if punishments don’t fit with our values then rewards don’t either)
• Kids (and all people) hide things from those who judge them;
• How we were parented shows up in our reactions to our kids’ behavior today
• When kids aren’t complying with our requests, one path forward is to reconsider whether the request is reasonable (and I’ve subsequently added: and consider whether there are other ways to meet our needs)
• “Attribute to children [I add: and all people!] the best possible motive consistent with the facts.”  E.g. if your child is having a meltdown, it’s more likely that they’re feeling overwhelmed than that they’re trying to manipulate you.
• Children can and should be treated with the same degree of respect with which we want to be treated
• Children can and should be allowed to make real choices about things that affect their bodies and lives
• Trying to see things from our child’s perspective almost always generates useful new information

Parenting Book Recommendation #3: The Hundred Languages of Children: The Reggio Emilia Experience in Transformation – Carolyn Edwards, Lella Gandini, and George Forman (Eds.)

I visited Reggio Emilia, Italy, when Carys was about 18 months old (and I carried her along Cinque Terra at a rate of one village per day afterward – most people hike the whole trail in a day!).  

I was the only parent among a sea of visiting preschool teachers, learning how to treat young children’s learning with the utmost respect.  We saw how to scaffold that learning sensitively so the child ‘owned’ as much of the process as possible, and how to let their ideas guide the learning instead of explicitly trying to ‘teach’ them.  

This book, comprised of a series of essays by different authors, gathers the major principles of the Reggio-based approach to working with children.

Parenting Book Recommendation #4: Becoming Brilliant: What Science Tells Us About Raising Successful Children – Roberta Michnick Golinkoff, PhD and Kathy Hirsh-Pasek, PhD.  

Dr. Golinkoff was a very early guest on the podcast way back in episode 10, just after this book was released.  It introduces the ‘6 Cs’ of children’s learning:

• Collaboration
• Communication
• Content
• Critical Thinking
• Creative Innovation
• Confidence

Schools focus largely on Content, so if we want our children to develop the other skills then that’s most likely to happen at home.  The book shows how this does happen at home, through simple activities like doing laundry together.  This gave me a lot of confidence to know that I could support Carys’ learning at home.

Even a decade and the arrival of AI later, I still find the ideas in the book to be compelling and relevant.

Parenting Book Recommendation #5: Parenting From Your Heart: Sharing the Gifts of Compassion, Connection, and Choice – Inbal Kashtan. 

This book gives a grounding in using principles of NonViolent Communication (which I think should be re-branded, because many people – myself included – have such a knee-jerk reaction to being told we communicate violently!) with kids.  Unconditional Parenting gives the theory of what our relationship with our kids would be like; NVC helps us to actually know what to do in difficult situations.

I know a parent who carries copies of this book to give away, because it’s so incredibly short and accessible.  Readers who actually want to implement the ideas may find it short on detail, but it’s a beautiful exploration of the application of NVC to relationships with children.

Parenting Book Recommendation #6: Dancing with Life: Buddhist Insights for Finding Meaning and Joy in the Face of Suffering – Phillip Moffitt.  

My first thorough introduction to Buddhist principles, that helped me through a tough patch in my own life and also helps me support Carys with her struggles today.  

When we see that only a small part of your suffering comes from the original pain, and most of your suffering comes from our reliving of that pain, we find that being in the present is a powerful path to experiencing less pain.

Parenting Book Recommendation #7: Beyond Behaviors: Using Brain Science and Compassion to Understand and Solve Children’s Behavioral Challenges – Dr. Mona Delahooke.  

Although this is based in Polyvagal Theory, the evidence for which is highly contested, I find Dr. Delahooke’s explanations for difficult behaviors to be compelling and useful.  

Her overall approach is that behavior is like an iceberg: we see the parts on top (that annoy us), but it’s much harder to see the overwhelm, anxiety, and disconnection that can create that behavior.  

When we only focus on changing the behavior, the child might learn to mask what’s underneath it so things seem better in the short term.  But the underlying causes don’t go away, and can pop out in other circumstances…or much further down the road in our relationship, when they realize we’ve been trying to control them – and they aren’t willing to let that happen anymore.

Listener Jamie and I interviewed Dr. Delahooke about the book here.

Dr. Delahooke’s iceberg metaphor shows that the behavior we see on top is driven by needs underneath. Wondering what need is driving your child’s most challenging behavior? Take the Child’s Needs Quiz to find out and get specific strategies that you can use today.

Parenting Book Recommendation #8: Dark Horse: Achieving Success Through the Pursuit of Fulfillment – Todd Rose and Ogi Ogas. 

This book describes how we can use our unique talents to create work we love to do.  

Most of the people profiled in the book – including Todd Rose himself – struggled through school before launching their own self-guided quest for fulfillment.  What if we could work with kids to support them in learning themselves so well that the next step in their future path(s) is obvious, and not one they have to find by themselves after doing a lot of unlearning lessons from school?

We don’t have to know every step in our life’s journey.  These days, we expect to pivot along the way – probably multiple times.

But I think that if we shift the way we support kids from: “Get into a good college, graduate, and the rest will sort itself out,” to: “Learn what lights you up, find ways to do that, and then learn what else lights you up,” I think that both individuals and the world will be much better off.

I interviewed Todd Rose here.

Parenting Book Recommendation #9: How to Stop Losing Your Sh*t With Your Kids: A Practical Guide to Becoming a Calmer, Happier Parent  – Carla Naumburg, PhD.  

This book is short, approachable, and very good at translating academic concepts into readable scenarios.

It gives a thorough grounding in why you lose your shit with your kids – and how to work on doing it less.  

There are some people who can read a book and immediately implement the changes they want to make – if you’re like this, I highly recommend this book.

For those who need more support to make the changes real in your life, my Taming Your Triggers workshop is here for you.

Parenting Book Recommendation #10: The ACT Workbook for Kids: Fun Activities to Help You Deal with Worry, Sadness, and Anger Using Acceptance and Commitment Therapy – Tamar D. Black, PhD.  

I never want to use tools that try to change kids’ behavior first.  I always want to begin by trying to understand: what need is the child trying to meet through their behavior?  And are there ways we can help you meet that need, that also meet my needs?

But there are times when the child recognizes that their actions aren’t helping them to meet their needs, and that they want to choose a different action but don’t yet know how.  Acceptance and Commitment Therapy-based tools can help them do that.  There’s an introduction to ACT here.

Parenting Book Recommendation #11: Validation: How the Skill Set That Revolutionized Psychology Will Transform Your Relationships, Increase Your Influence, and Change Your Life – Caroline Fleck, PhD.  

You’ll hear in my interview with Dr. Fleck that I think the first half of the book, which teaches you how to validate other people’s feelings, is outstanding.  I had no idea that validation and empathy were skills that could be learned, and that it’s possible to see which tools will be most helpful in which circumstances.  Neurodivergent folks who do well with specific instructions (and who might have been told they ‘lack empathy’) will find it especially helpful.  

I hate mutilating books but in this case I suggest ripping out the second half of the book, in which Dr. Fleck shows you how to use your new-found validation skills to manipulate other people into doing what you want them to do.

Parenting Book Recommendation #12: Spinning Threads of Radical Aliveness: Transcending the Legacy of Separation in our Individual Lives – Miki Kashtan

Part memoir, part manifesto, this book brilliantly connects Miki’s experiences growing up with broader societal observations about power.  She describes her father’s explicit project to break her spirit, her mother making feeble attempts to intervene at times but ultimately Father always got his way.  Sometimes he used overt methods (locking her out of the house at age six until she apologized for misbehavior) and sometimes covert (allowing her to make the choice about going to live on a kibbutz, and refusing to speak to her for as long as that was her choice).  

Even when our own punishment methods are less extreme, we often hold the power in our relationship with our kids.  That’s why we train children to ask: “Can I…?” to obtain approval.  Immediately after reading that, and knowing that I didn’t want to be in a power-over relationship with my daughter Carys, I encouraged her to say instead: “I’d like to…/I’m going to…” rather than “Can I…?”.  If I have concerns, we discuss them.  Otherwise, she goes ahead.

Through Miki’s own experiences we see how the coercive methods our parents used with us (and their parents used with them) have created pain in us – which has rippled out into our culture. It gives some starting points to work on addressing this, which I aimed to continue when I wrote Parenting Beyond Power.

Bonus: Parenting Beyond Power: How to Use Connection and Collaboration to Transform Your Family–and the World

Because I wanted to draw attention to this idea of the connection between parenting and what we want the world to be like, I wrote a book that does this explicitly. It also gives practical strategies grounded in real parents’ experience to help you be in a relationship with your kids where everyone’s needs are seen and met.  It ties together all the ideas in the books I’ve mentioned here, and parents who have consumed a lot of parenting books have told me they consider it among the best they’ve read.

Final Thoughts

These are the top parenting books I’ve found for parents who want to move beyond traditional discipline methods. From Magda Gerber’s respectful approach to infants to Alfie Kohn’s groundbreaking work on unconditional parenting, each of these books offers evidence-based strategies for understanding and connecting with your child.

Not all of them are specifically about parenting. Some are about Buddhist ideas, how kids learn, or therapy tools. But each one changed how I think about being in relationship with children.

If you’re looking for great parenting books that focus on meeting everyone’s needs rather than gaining compliance, this list is a good place to start.

Links to books are affiliate links, which means I receive a small commission that does not affect the price you pay.

From Reading to Real Life

These top parenting books teach you the theory. But theory doesn’t help when your child won’t put their shoes on and you’re already late.

That’s when you need to understand: What need is my child trying to meet right now?

Instead of fighting about shoes, you’re solving the actual problem. Instead of losing your temper, you’re responding in ways that work for both of you.

Take my free Identifying Your Child’s Needs Quiz to discover what need your child is trying to meet in your most challenging situation. You’ll receive specific strategies to help you respond in ways that work for both of you.

Click the banner to take the quiz.

Frequently Asked Questions About Best Parenting Books

1. What makes a respectful parenting book different from traditional parenting books?

Respectful parenting books focus on understanding your child’s feelings and needs and meeting their needs AND your needs, rather than on just getting compliance. Traditional books often teach methods to make kids obey quickly, which reinforces the idea that people with more power should be obeyed. The best parenting books help you build relationships where everyone’s needs matter. They teach collaboration instead of control, and help children learn to care about other people’s feelings while understanding their own.

2. What is the best parenting book for beginners?

Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn is excellent for parents starting to explore respectful approaches because it lays the theoretical groundwork for making a change.  My own book, Parenting Beyond Power, offers a practical guide to living the values Kohn lays out in Unconditional Parenting, in the moments when your kid is refusing to do what you ask.

If you have an infant, start with Your Self-Confident Baby by Magda Gerber to learn respectful parenting from the very beginning.

3. Are there evidence-based parenting books that don’t use behaviorism?

Yes. Beyond Behaviors by Dr. Mona Delahooke uses Polyvagal Theory, which attempts to explain what’s happening in kids’ brains when their behavior is difficult. She offers: “When we see a behavior that is problematic or confusing, the first question we should ask isn’t “How do we get rid of it?” but rather “What is this telling us about the child?”

The book helps us to understand that children’s difficult behavior (especially at school) can indicate that they don’t feel safe.  When we change their environment to help them meet their need for safety, they’re much more able to learn than if we try to simply shape their behavior using rewards or consequences.

4. What parenting books help with managing triggers and staying calm?

How to Stop Losing Your Sh*t With Your Kids by Carla Naumburg gives practical strategies for understanding why you get triggered and how to respond differently to your kids.  It’s a great resource for people who can read a book and implement the ideas in it. 

Dancing with Life by Phillip Moffitt offers Buddhist principles.  These helped me to see that worrying about things that have happened or that might happen doesn’t really help – and just adds to my suffering.  When instead we focus simply on what is here in this moment, we find we can cope with it more easily.

For deeper help with your triggered feelings and personalized support, the Taming Your Triggers workshop builds on these concepts with coaching and community.

5. Should I read parenting books if my child is neurodivergent?

Many books on this list work well for neurodivergent children because they focus on understanding needs rather than controlling behavior. Validation by Caroline Fleck offers specific instructions that neurodivergent parents often find especially helpful in their relationships with both co-parents and children.

Beyond Behaviors addresses how to understand challenging behaviors through a compassionate lens. However, focus on the first half of Validation – the second half teaches manipulation tactics that conflict with respectful parenting.

6. What’s the connection between parenting books and creating a better world?

Every parenting book teaches a vision of what society should look like, even when it’s not explicit. Books that teach compliance prepare children to obey authority without question. Books focused on collaboration and meeting everyone’s needs prepare children to build a world where relationships matter more than obedience. Parenting Beyond Power makes this connection explicit, showing how the way we parent shapes the kind of world our children will create.

7. Can parenting books actually change how I parent day-to-day?

Reading gives you the foundation, but real change happens when you practice these ideas in tough moments. Some parents can read a book and make changes on their own. Others benefit from support through coaching, practice opportunities, and community with parents working on similar challenges. The Parenting Membership offers modules, monthly coaching, and community support.

8. What parenting books focus on nonviolent communication with kids?

Parenting From Your Heart by Inbal Kashtan applies Nonviolent Communication principles to relationships with children. It’s short and accessible, though some readers want more detailed implementation guidance. 

Parenting Beyond Power also incorporates needs-based approaches with practical strategies from real parents’ experiences. Both books help you understand your child’s feelings and needs while finding ways to meet everyone’s needs through collaboration.

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1. Family holiday stress signals unmet needs – yours (e.g. rest, autonomy) bumping against theirs (e.g.. connection, belonging, competence in their role as a parent/grandparent). Both sets of needs are valid.
2. We all feel best when our needs are met.  Starting by looking for strategies that meet both of your needs always helps.  
3. Where you can’t find strategies that meet both of your needs, boundaries can help to protect your needs.
4. Healthy family holiday boundaries are clear statements about what works for you across time, location, gifts, food, and parenting while staying connected to people you care about.
5. You have to (really) believe you’re worthy of your needs being met.
6. Setting boundaries without guilt: Get clear on your needs, consider their needs too, be specific, offer alternatives when possible, and start conversations early.
7. When family pushes back on boundaries, acknowledge them but don’t give in. Repeat boundaries calmly, follow through with consequences, stay consistent.
8. Guilt when setting boundaries means you’re changing a pattern, not doing something wrong. You can care about their feelings without being responsible for fixing them.
9. During gatherings, check in with yourself regularly, and have an exit plan to help you stay calm and grounded.
10. Boundaries get easier with practice for everyone. Consistency helps people take you seriously and relationships often adjust after the initial reaction period.

The songs, the sparkly lights, families coming together – everything says the holidays should be the most wonderful time of the year.

But if you’re dreading this period, you’re not the only one wondering “is it normal to dread the holidays?”

You’re rushing from one gathering to the next while trying to spend quality time with family.  One minute everyone’s getting along fine, and the next your preschooler refuses to thank Grandma for a gift and there are hurt feelings on both sides. Then your child declines vegetables at dinner and the “When I was a child…” lecture begins.

Maybe you’re struggling with family holiday stress because Uncle Rob makes comments you don’t want your kids hearing. Or Grandma ignores your requests about gift experiences, not things, and goes overboard anyway. Or your partner expects you to say yes to everything while you’re barely holding it together.

You love these people, but the thought of another holiday gathering feels exhausting before it even starts.

The holidays get hard when we haven’t learned how to establish boundaries with family. Most of us grew up learning that “family comes first” – which meant: “sacrifice your own needs so other people can be happy.”

In this post, you’ll learn why setting family boundaries feels so difficult, what healthy boundaries actually look like, and how to set boundaries with family – especially your parents – without feeling guilty. You’ll also get practical strategies for how to deal with family conflict at holidays and reduce the family holiday stress that’s making you want to skip the whole season.

Why Setting Family Boundaries Feels So Hard During the Holidays

When you think about setting boundaries with your mom, or telling your in-laws you won’t be there for the holidays this year, what happens in your body?

Maybe your throat tightens. Maybe your stomach clenches. Maybe you start thinking of all the reasons you should just go along with what they want.

That reaction didn’t come out of nowhere. It came from years of learning that keeping the peace was more important than speaking your truth.

The cultural messages we absorbed run deep:

• “Family comes first” (but they never explained what that costs you)
• “It’s just one day” (except it’s never just one day – it’s the lead-up, the event, and the recovery)
• “Don’t be selfish” (even though taking care of yourself isn’t actually selfish)
• “They mean well” (even though good intentions don’t erase the impact)
• “Don’t rock the boat” (because you pointing out a problem is inconvenient to them)
• “It’s the holidays!” (so normal boundaries don’t apply)

What’s really happening here is that your needs are bumping up against other people’s needs. Your needs for rest, comfort, autonomy, and to understand and be understood. Their needs for connection, belonging, and appreciation.

Both sets of needs are valid.

And here’s where guilt shows up. 

Guilt appears when you’re breaking an old pattern. When you’re doing something different than what’s expected. 

Guilt shows up when someone else might be disappointed.

But guilt doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong. It means you’re changing how things have always been done, and change feels uncomfortable – for you and for them.

Family holiday stress signals that something isn’t working well for you – your needs aren’t being met.  Ideally, we want to be in a situation where both people’s needs are met in a relationship.  If you’re able to talk with your family about what’s not working well for you, and you’re willing to hear what they’d like to shift as well, this will be the most fulfilling path forward.

But where that isn’t possible, boundaries are our next best tool.  

What Are Healthy Family Boundaries

Boundaries expert Nedra Glover Tawwab told me that a boundary is a way we express our needs in a relationship.  

When we can’t find a way to meet both people’s needs, we’re essentially saying: “Until we can find a way to work together on this, I’m choosing to prioritize my needs in this relationship.”

Boundaries matter because they let you protect what’s important to you while staying connected to the people you care about.

Here are family boundaries examples across different areas:

Time boundaries:

• Visiting for two hours instead of staying all day
• Leaving at a set time even if others want you to stay longer
• Choosing which holiday events you attend based on your/your kids’ capacity, not what others want you to do

Location boundaries:

• Staying in a hotel instead of at your parents’ house
• Hosting at your home so you have control over the environment
• Meeting at a neutral location like a restaurant

Gift boundaries:

• Agreeing on a spending limit
• Requesting specific types of gifts (or no gifts at all)
• Talking with grandparents about the number of presents to give your kids (Nedra Glover Tawwab suggests dropping off any extras on their back porch!)

Food boundaries:

• Serving meals that work for your family
• Not forcing kids to eat certain foods to please relatives
• Bringing your own food if needed

Parenting boundaries:

• How relatives talk to your kids (like commenting on their looks, or whether they’re acting like a “proper” boy or girl)
• Who enforces rules with your children
• Comments about your parenting choices

These boundaries aren’t punishment. 

You are not rejecting your parents if you set them.

You are not being ‘mean’ or ‘selfish.’

Boundaries protect your capacity to actually enjoy time together. When you take care of your own needs, you can be your real self – perhaps in a way you weren’t able to when you were younger and didn’t set boundaries.

6 Steps on How to Set Boundaries with Family

Setting healthy boundaries with family starts with getting clear on what you actually need.

Click here to download the 6 Steps on How to Set Boundaries with Family

How to set boundaries with family Step 1: Get clear on what you need

Before you can set a boundary, it’s important to know what’s working and what’s not, and notice these with some self-compassion.

Ask yourself:

• What parts of holiday gatherings do I enjoy? (e.g. seeing family in small groups; cooking with others; continuing traditions with my kids)
• What parts of holiday gatherings leave me drained? (e.g. meals with more than 10 people; my Mom telling my kid what to eat and getting offended when they don’t; my Dad telling me that he would spank a kid for talking to him the way my kid talks to me)
• What do I need more of? (e.g. rest/sleep, comfort, mental space)
• What do I need less of? (e.g. loud places, criticism, pressure)

Your needs are information. They’re telling you something important about what would help you show up in a way that feels good to you.

How to set boundaries with family Step 2: Believe that you deserve to have your needs met

This can be a big challenge for many parents in my coaching practice.  

They can understand in their brains that they are people with needs, but they don’t really believe in their bodies that they’re worthy of having their needs met.

That’s one reason why they can slide into permissive parenting with their kids, and why it just seems easier to throw their hands up and do whatever their own parent wants.

If you don’t believe deep down that your needs matter as much as everyone else’s, you’ll keep overriding them. You’ll set a boundary and then cave when someone pushes back. 

You’ll say “We’re leaving at 4pm” and then stay until 7pm because you know your parent will be disappointed.  When you were a child, your parent’s disappointment and rejection was almost impossible for you to bear.

Now you’re older, you have other potential sources of love and belonging (partner, friends, extended family, therapist…).  Your parent isn’t the only person who can meet those needs for you.  And you are worthy of having your needs met.

How to set boundaries with family Step 3: Consider the other person’s needs too

Understanding their needs helps you find solutions that work for everyone.

It’s common for our parents to need connection, appreciation, and competence as parents.

They want to feel connected to us and to their grandchildren, to know they’re important to us, and to be appreciated for the sacrifices they’ve made for us. 

Very often, the comments we find so hurtful are related to their sense of competence – they criticize our bodies, our parenting choices, and our kids’ behavior because they care (this doesn’t make it right!).  

They recognize that people with certain body shapes are more successful, and they want us to do well.

They see our parenting as validating (or criticizing) the decisions they made as parents.

They want our kids to do well, and they’re afraid that our kids will be hurt by the world.

Listening to their perspective (as long as that perspective isn’t directly hurtful to us) can really help.  Validate their ideas: “Given how important education was when you immigrated to this country, it makes sense that you would be concerned that our child can’t read yet.”

You might find that once you’ve truly heard them, they’re willing to back off a bit on their pressure.  Then you might find your needs for competence in parenting and integrity with your values can be met without changing anything you do.  When your needs are met, there’s no reason to set a boundary.  

You might even make a request, e.g.: “Would you be willing to read to [child’s name]?”  I want to nurture their love of books and stories even though they aren’t reading fluently yet.”

How to set boundaries with family Step 4: Be clear and specific

Where your family member is unwilling to have a conversation about needs, or where it ends with more blame and shame, a boundary can be helpful.

Vague boundaries don’t work. “We’ll try to stop by” leaves everyone confused. “We’ll be there from 2-4pm” is clear.

How to establish boundaries with family:

• Say what you will do (not just what you won’t do)
• Be specific about timing, location, or limits
• Don’t ask permission – you’re informing, not requesting

The power of saying “This is what works for us” is that you’re not defending or justifying. You’re simply stating what’s true for your family.

Believing that you are worthy of having your needs met has to happen first.  Knowing this may help you to cope with their disappointment, knowing that you aren’t setting the boundary vindictively.  If you could find a way to meet both of your needs, you would.  And until then, you’re going to protect your own needs for a change.

How to set boundaries with family Step 5: Offer alternatives when you can

Offering meets their need for connection while honoring your boundaries.  The key to offering viable alternatives is that you have to genuinely believe the alternatives really will meet the other person’s needs.  (This is why ‘giving choices’ often doesn’t work to gain kids’ compliance – because we don’t consider whether the choices will meet their needs.)

Examples:

• “We won’t be there on the day itself.  We’d love to see you earlier that week” (Meets their need for connection; perhaps not for tradition/meaning-making)
• “We’re looking forward to coming for dinner.  We’d prefer not to exchange gifts, so we don’t plan to bring any ourselves.” (Meets their need for tradition/meaning making; perhaps not for the way they show love)
• “We won’t stay overnight, but we’ll come for the afternoon” (Meets their need for connection)

Sometimes you might not be able to think of an alternative to offer, and that’s okay too. (If your parent suggests an alternative, consider whether it meets your needs before reflexively accepting or declining.)  

You can acknowledge their disappointment while still holding your boundary.

How to set boundaries with family Step 6: Start early

Don’t wait until you’re overwhelmed or they’ve already made plans based on assumptions.

The earlier you communicate, the easier it is for everyone to adjust. Having the conversation well before the holidays gives people time to process and adapt.

What to skip:

• Over-explaining (you don’t need to justify your needs)
• Apologizing excessively (being sorry won’t make the boundary clearer)
• Asking permission (you’re an adult making decisions for your family)

How to set visiting boundaries with family during the holidays:

Think about length of visits based on your energy, your kids’ limits, and travel time. For overnight stays, ask yourself what you need – e.g. space, sleep, consistency.

When you’re facing multiple family obligations, remember: you actually can’t be everywhere, despite what guilt tells you.

Working through common scenarios helps. What happens when both sides of the family expect you on the same day? What if the “standard” visit length doesn’t work for you anymore? What if you need more space than in previous years?

Pushing yourself to comply with your parent’s requests when they don’t meet your needs will only create resentment. Instead, notice any budding frustration, anger or resentment you feel as a signal that a boundary may be helpful.

Why you’ll still experience guilt (and what to do about it):

Guilt usually means that your actions aren’t aligned with your values, and that you should change the thing you’re doing.

But where you’ve been going along with your parent’s needs for too long, you may feel guilty that you aren’t doing this anymore.

You may feel guilty that you’re prioritizing your own needs over your parent’s needs.

In this case, your feelings of guilt doesn’t mean their disappointment is your responsibility to fix.

You can acknowledge guilt without letting it make your decisions. You can notice “I’m feeling guilty right now” and still hold your boundary because you know your boundary is in service of your needs.

How to Deal with Family Conflict During Holidays

When they push back on your boundaries:

“But we always do it this way!”

What they’re really expressing is their need for consistency. You’re not responsible for maintaining every tradition, especially ones that don’t work for you anymore.

You can acknowledge their need while holding your boundary: “I hear that this tradition matters to you. We’re choosing to do it differently this year, and I hope we can find other ways to connect.”

“You’re keeping the kids from their grandparents!”

This one stings because it touches the fear that you’re somehow harming your children. But you’re not keeping anyone from anyone. You’re making choices about what works for your family.

The false choice here is that connection can only happen one specific way. You can maintain connection in different ways – video calls, shorter visits, meeting at a park instead of someone’s home.

“Just this once…”

Why “just this once” often becomes every time: because you’re teaching people that if they push hard enough, you’ll give in.

When flexibility makes sense: when circumstances genuinely change and the boundary isn’t serving you anymore.

When it undermines your boundary: when you’re caving because you’re uncomfortable with their reaction, not because your needs have shifted.

How to deal with a family who doesn’t respect boundaries:

What it looks like when boundaries aren’t respected:

• They agree but then push back again later
• They ignore what you said and make their own plans
• They try to negotiate every single time

Your options:

• Repeat the boundary (without anger or lengthy explanations)
• Follow through with consequences (if you said you’d leave at 4pm, leave at 4pm)
• Adjust your boundary if you learn something new about the situation

The difference between being flexible and having no boundaries is whether you’re making a conscious choice that serves you, or whether you’re just giving in to make someone else comfortable.

When relatives don’t invite you (because you set a boundary):

This happens sometimes, and it hurts. Their disappointment is real – and it’s still not your responsibility to fix.

You can reach out if you want connection: “I’d love to see you. Would you like to get together in January?”

Sometimes relationships need space before people can adjust to the new way you’re showing up.

Setting healthy boundaries when family members are difficult:

There’s a difference between difficult and harmful. Difficult pushes your boundaries. Harmful crosses safety lines.

When someone keeps testing your boundaries, stay consistent. Changing your boundary teaches them to keep pushing. You don’t need to explain again. Your boundary can be “We’re taking a break from visits right now.”  Staying calm and consistent helps you hold your boundary without getting pulled into emotional reactions. 

Dealing with family drama during the holidays without getting pulled in means remembering you don’t have to engage with every comment or conflict. “I’m staying out of this” is a complete sentence. Protecting your peace is valid.

When your partner isn’t on the same page:

This happens a lot – you want boundaries, they want to keep the peace with their family.

Get aligned before the gathering, not during it. Discuss each of your needs, and what resources you have available as a family.  Maybe your partner can take the kids to their parents’ house while you take a break.

Try to avoid the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse if you can (holidays have a way of increasing the stress level).  Try to find strategies that meet both of your needs.

Staying grounded when emotions run high:

Notice when you’re getting activated – tension in your jaw, defensiveness rising, wanting to shut down.

Simple tools: Take a break. Step outside. Focus on your breath.

You can hold a boundary even when you’re uncomfortable. Their feelings are intense AND you can still take care of yourself.

Dealing with Family Holiday Stress After You’ve Set Boundaries

Before the gathering:

Review what you need and what your boundaries are. Talk through the plan with your partner or a friend. Remind yourself why this boundary matters.

Have a plan for when you’ll leave or take breaks. Knowing you have an exit strategy can help you stay calmer.

During the gathering:

Check in with yourself throughout the day. Am I okay? Do I need a break?

Hold your boundaries without announcing them repeatedly. If someone pushes back, respond briefly and move on. You don’t have to engage with every attempt to change your mind.

After the gathering:

Processing your feelings is part of the work. You might experience guilt, relief, sadness, or frustration – sometimes all at once.

Your guilt is real AND not a sign you did something wrong.

Managing other people’s disappointment gets easier when you remember: you can care about their feelings without fixing them. Their disappointment doesn’t mean you made the wrong choice. They’re capable of handling their own emotions.

When repair is needed:

If you snapped or said something harsh, you can acknowledge it. Repair doesn’t mean dropping your boundary.

“I’m sorry I raised my voice. We’re still leaving at 4pm.”

Taking care of yourself when relationships are strained:

Some relationships might be tense for a while. Give it time – people often adjust after the initial reaction.

Keep reaching out in ways that work for you. Some relationships might not survive boundaries, and that tells you something important about whether the relationship was serving you.

Remembering why you set the boundary:

When guilt or doubt creeps in, ask yourself: What was I trying to protect? How did taking care of my needs help me show up better? What did I learn about what works for my family?

Building trust over time:

Boundaries get easier with practice – for you and for them. Consistency helps people take you seriously.

As they see you’re not abandoning the relationship, they often adjust. You might surprise yourself with what becomes possible when you’re not constantly overriding your own needs.

Ready to Do This Work With Support?

Setting boundaries is powerful work – and it can bring up a lot of old patterns and wounds. If you’re realizing how deeply these patterns run and want support as you navigate them, the Parenting Membership offers the community, coaching, and tools to help you make lasting changes.

Inside, you’ll work on getting your own needs met (not just providing an ideal environment for your children), align your parenting with your values, and get support from coaches and other parents who understand what it’s like to parent differently than how you were raised.

Click the banner to learn more about the Parenting Membership.

Final Thoughts

Setting family boundaries during holidays isn’t about cutting people off or being difficult. Holiday boundaries protect your capacity for real connection.

You can love your family AND take care of your needs. In fact, when you take care of your needs, you have more to give in your relationships.

The boundary that seems hardest to set is often the one you need most.

What’s one boundary you need to set this year? Start with that one. Notice what happens in your body when you think about it. Notice what shifts when you actually set it.

You’re not just changing your holidays – you’re modeling something important for your kids about what it means to honor your own needs while staying in relationship with others.

That’s a gift that lasts far beyond this holiday season.

Frequently Asked Questions About Setting Family Boundaries During the Holidays

1. Is it normal to dread the holidays?

Many parents experience dreading the holidays when their needs for rest, comfort, and autonomy bump up against family expectations. That tight feeling in your throat or clenched stomach when thinking about family holiday gatherings comes from years of learning that keeping the peace matters more than speaking your truth. Family holiday stress signals that something needs to shift. When you take care of your own needs, you actually show up with more capacity for real connection with family during the holidays.

2. How to deal with family holiday stress?

Family holiday stress happens when your needs aren’t being met. Start by getting clear on what parts of gatherings leave you drained and what you actually need more of (like rest or comfort) or less of (like chaos or criticism). Setting healthy boundaries with family protects your capacity to enjoy time together. Before gatherings, review your boundaries and have an exit plan. During visits, check in with yourself regularly and take breaks when you notice tension building in your body.

3. How do you politely set boundaries with family?

Setting family boundaries politely means being clear and specific while acknowledging their needs too. Say what you will do, not just what you won’t. Instead of asking permission, inform them: “This is what works for us.” When possible, offer alternatives that meet their need for connection while honoring your needs, like “We won’t be there on the day itself, but we’d love to see you earlier that week.” Start conversations early so everyone has time to adjust to the new plan.

4. How to set boundaries with family without feeling guilty?

Guilt appears when you’re breaking an old pattern, but it doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong. To establish boundaries with family, first get clear on what you need. Then consider what they need (often connection, belonging, appreciation). Be specific about timing or limits. Offer alternatives that you think might meet their needs when you can. Your guilt is real AND not a sign you made the wrong choice. You can acknowledge their disappointment while still holding your boundary because your needs are as worthy as theirs.

5. What are some family boundaries examples?

Family boundaries examples include time limits (visiting two hours instead of all day), location choices (staying at a hotel instead of their house), gift agreements (setting spending limits or requesting no gifts), food decisions (bringing your own food or not forcing kids to eat certain things), and parenting limits (how relatives talk to your kids or who enforces rules). Holiday boundaries protect what matters to you while staying connected. They’re not punishment or rejection – they help you show up with more to give.

6. How to set visiting boundaries with family during the holidays?

Think about visit length based on your energy, your kids’ limits, and travel time. Be specific: “We’ll be there from 2-4pm” works better than “We’ll try to stop by.” For overnight stays, ask yourself what you need – space, sleep, consistency – and communicate that clearly. When facing multiple family holiday gathering obligations, remember you actually can’t be everywhere. Staying in a hotel or meeting at neutral locations gives you more control over your environment and helps reduce stress.

7. How to deal with family conflict during the holidays?

When family pushes back on boundaries, stay calm and consistent. If they say “But we always do it this way,” acknowledge their need for consistency while holding yours: “I hear this tradition matters to you. We’re choosing to do it differently this year.” Don’t negotiate every time – repeat your boundary briefly without lengthy explanations. Follow through with consequences (if you said you’d leave at 4pm, leave at 4pm). You don’t have to engage with every comment. “I’m staying out of this” is a valid response.

8. Why does setting family boundaries feel so hard during the holidays?

Setting family boundaries feels difficult because of messages we absorbed: “Family comes first,” “It’s just one day,” “Don’t be selfish.” Your body might react with a tight throat or clenched stomach when thinking about how to establish boundaries with family. This reaction comes from years of learning that keeping peace matters more than your truth. But boundaries actually help relationships work better long-term. When you show up as your whole self instead of saying yes to everything, you have more capacity for real connection.

References

American Psychological Association. (2023, November 30). Even a joyous holiday season can cause stress for most Americans [Press release]. https://www.apa.org/news/press/releases/2023/11/holiday-season-stress 

Brown, J., & Errington, L. (2024). Bowen family systems theory and practice: Illustration and critique revisited. Australian and New Zealand Journal of Family Therapy, 45(2), 135–155. https://doi.org/10.1002/anzf.1589

Leach, C. (2017). Understanding Shame and Guilt. 10.1007/978-3-319-60573-9_2.   

Lumanlan, J. (2025, September 24). Intergenerational Trauma: How to Break & Heal the Anger Trigger Cycle. Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/intergenerational-trauma-guide/ 

Lumanlan, J. (2025, May 20). What to Do When Parents Disagree on Parenting. Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/parents-disagree-on-parenting/

Lumanlan, J. (2022, October 9). How to take care of yourself first with Liann Jensen. Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/captivate-podcast/liann/ 

Lumanlan, J. (2022, February 13). How to set the boundaries you need. Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/captivate-podcast/boundariesrevisited/ 

Lumanlan, J. (2021, February 21). Introduction to mindfulness and meditation with Diana Winston. Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/captivate-podcast/mindfulness/ 

Lumanlan, J. (2020, November 29). How to Set Boundaries in Parenting. Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/captivate-podcast/boundaries/ 

Lumanlan, J. (2020, October 18). Self-Compassion for Parents. Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/captivate-podcast/selfcompassion/ 

Lumanlan, J. (2019, December 5). The ultimate holiday gift-giving guide. Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/ultimategiftguide/ 

Lumanlan, J. (2019, December 5). The respectful parent’s guide to surviving the holidays. Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/survivingholidays/ 

Lumanlan, J. (2018, December 2). The Your Parenting Mojo holiday survival guide! Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/holiday/ 

Lumanlan, J. (2017, October 22). How to raise a girl with a healthy body image. Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/captivate-podcast/beauty/ 

Lumanlan, J. (2017, March 26). Parenting beyond pink and blue. Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/captivate-podcast/pink/ 

Lumanlan, J. (n-d.) Needs List. Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/needs/

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1. When you’re too tired to parent “the right way,” you’re depleted. Chronic stress limits your brain’s capacity for patience and empathy. That’s why you can’t use the tools you know.
2. Try to treat yourself with the same compassion that you would treat a dear friend who is struggling in the same situation you’re in.  Ask friends to reflect to you what they see in you as a parent.
3. Repair quickly. A simple “I was tired and got upset. I love you” rebuilds connection faster than hours of guilt.
4. Stop setting unnecessary limits like “don’t play with that box.” Save “no” for safety, wellbeing, and respect. When kids hear no constantly, they tune it out.
5. Traditional parenting advice on discipline focuses on stopping behavior. But the behavior will keep happening until you address the unmet need causing it.  Meeting your child’s need means your needs get met too!
6. Teach kids to identify their needs and solve problems together. Once they learn these skills, they can use them without your intervention – saving you enormous energy.
7. Information alone often isn’t enough to make the changes you want to see.  If you need support to help you do things differently, the Parenting Membership can help.

Finding effective parenting advice on discipline can feel overwhelming especially when your kids won’t listen, and you’re tired of parenting struggles. Many parents wonder why parenting is so hard these days, and look for practical parenting strategies for defiance that actually work. 

On the Your Parenting Mojo podcast, I spoke with parents Adriana and Tim about what it’s like to reach that breaking point – when you’re tired of parenting but still want to do right by your kids. 

This post explores strategies for parenting that help you navigate those difficult and exhausting moments when parenting feels overwhelming and parenting in the way you want to seems out of reach.

Why Parenting Feels So Hard These Days

Parenting has always been demanding. But today’s parents face unique challenges. We’re trying to stay calm, empathic, and connected while juggling endless responsibilities, limited rest, and constant comparison on social media. No wonder parenting feels so stressful.

Here’s the core problem: Most parents today are emotionally aware enough to know what to do – but they’re too depleted to actually do it. This gap between knowledge and capacity is where exhaustion turns even gentle parenting into frustration.

Adriana captured this perfectly: “My values did not align with my actions as much as I wanted them to.” She and Tim had read so many books, and listened to endless podcasts. They understood respectful parenting. And when they were depleted – when both kids were hungry and screaming and one just threw a toy at the other one’s head – they defaulted right back to what they saw growing up.

Why generic advice falls short

The parenting books don’t know about your specific triggers. They can’t tell you how to work with your nervous system when your child screams “I hate you!” and your whole body floods with cortisol because that’s exactly what your father used to say before things got violent. 

Or when your kids start fighting and you freeze because you learned early on that speaking up made things worse.

This happens because our nervous system stores patterns from childhood and activates them before our thinking brain can intervene. 

Tim grew up hearing “men don’t cry” and “don’t let anybody disrespect you”. Adriana grew up in an abusive, neglectful environment, basically raising her younger brothers while their mother struggled with alcoholism. 

They’d both done recovery work. They had good values. And their bodies still reacted before their brains could catch up.

Even if you had a ‘normal’ childhood, it’s possible that your needs weren’t met during your childhood, which could have created a trauma-like response in you that’s now expressed at anger toward your kids.  (This quiz can help you understand whether this is the case for you.)

The impossible conditions

You’re trying to implement new skills during the worst possible conditions. It’s like learning to drive in an empty parking lot and then being thrown onto a highway in a rainstorm. The skills you practiced in calm moments don’t automatically transfer to high-stress situations without support and practice.

That’s why all those memes you’ve saved from Instagram or TikTok don’t help – they make sense in the moment you see them, but when you’re actually stressed everything you know flies out the window.

What Happens When You’re Too Tired to Parent

We’re used to thinking of exhaustion as being about sleep, but parental burnout is different.  It’s more like emotional depletion. When your stress levels stay high, your brain’s capacity for patience, reasoning, and empathy drops. You might know the “right” response but find yourself yelling, shutting down, or giving in.

Research shows that chronic stress limits access to the parts of the brain responsible for self-control and empathy – making parenting feel harder. When your nervous system is dysregulated, no amount of conscious effort can override your body’s stress response.

Adriana struggled with postpartum depression and anxiety for the first two years after having her second child. “Treating my mental health problems is more than just ‘go take a bath.’ The bath totally helped. But there was more to be done.”

She had the values. She understood respectful parenting. She knew what she was supposed to do. And she still couldn’t do it when she was in the thick of it.

Signs you’re operating on empty

You know what to do but can’t actually do it. The responses you know you “should” use require emotional bandwidth you just don’t have right now. You snap before you can stop yourself. You say things you regret. You parent in ways that don’t match your values.

This happens because emotional regulation requires significant cognitive resources. When those resources are depleted by stress, sleep deprivation, or mental health challenges, your brain literally cannot access the tools you know intellectually.

You’re constantly waiting to stop surviving. Adriana and Tim kept asking themselves: “When are we going to stop just surviving?” They were doing everything they could – mindfulness, meditation, reading books, listening to podcasts. And every day still felt like just making it to bedtime.

When you’re chronically stressed, your body stays in a heightened state of alert. Your nervous system prioritizes responding to immediate demands over everything else – connection, planning, patience. When you’re operating this way day after day, even “good enough” parenting feels out of reach.

Your kids’ needs seem impossible to meet. When you have multiple kids, it can sometimes seem impossible to meet all their needs simultaneously. Both kids melting down at the same time. Both desperately wanting to be held. Both refusing to touch each other. One child crying while you’re helping the other. Everyone upset. 

And then you explode – and feel guilt and shame for exploding.  You apologize to your kids and say it won’t happen again…and feel shame all over again when they say: “But you said that last week too.”

When parenting advice backfires

Well-intentioned advice like “stay calm” or “take a deep breath” can create shame when you can’t implement it. You beat yourself up for not being able to do what seems simple on paper. You wonder what’s wrong with you.

Nothing is wrong with you. You’re trying to use tools designed for calm conditions in emergency conditions. Your nervous system is doing exactly what it learned to do to keep you safe – it’s just not what your kids need right now.

Understanding this distinction between your capacity and your values is essential for healing the shame that keeps you stuck.

7 Steps for When Parenting Feels Too Hard

Here’s what actually helps when you’re too exhausted to parent the way you want to:

Click here to download the 7 Steps for When Parenting Feels Too Hard

When parenting feels too hard Step 1: Stop blaming yourself

Arguments at breakfast. Getting dressed. Brushing teeth. Transitions. Screen time. Bedtime battles that involved multiple trips back to their rooms.  There are endless possibilities for interactions with our kids that end in anger.

Many parents I coach blame themselves when this happens, and tell me: “I feel like a terrible parent.”

They have probably been in this anger-self-blame cycle for a while, and it hasn’t helped them to make the change they want to see.  Stopping self-blame is the first step to a different outcome.

When parenting feels too hard Step 2: Practice Self-Compassion

The next question I ask parents who are struggling with self-blame is: “How is your self-compassion practice?”  

Then they look at me sheepishly and say: “Ummm…not so good.”  

Most of them wouldn’t allow anyone to speak to their kids in the way they speak to themselves.  

We work on practices to create a ‘bridge’ to self-compassion, like writing a letter to a friend who is struggling with the same situation, and then reading it to ourselves.  

In the Parenting Membership, we host ACTion groups of up to five members plus a trained peer coach.  Members come to deeply know and care for each other, and might take turns recording messages for each other that share what they see in each member.  

These messages can be a lifeline in a difficult moment when we can’t see the goodness in ourselves.

Why this works: When you stop blaming yourself or your child for struggles and recognize depletion as the actual issue, you can address the root cause instead of managing symptoms. Blame and shame keep us stuck. Understanding creates possibilities for change.

When parenting feels too hard Step 3: Stop setting unnecessary limits

Adriana realized she was saying ‘no’ along the lines of seventy-eight times a day for no good reason. “Don’t play with that box.” “Don’t take those spoons out of there.” “Stop ripping that paper.”

She thought she needed a clean house. So she’d step in constantly, redirecting, stopping, saying no in lots of different ways.

When she stopped setting unnecessary limits and instead focused on strategic limits, the necessary ones actually worked. Her kids didn’t run around painting on the walls. Things didn’t descend into chaos. Life got easier.

Why this works: Each limit you set requires enforcement, which drains your energy and your child’s willingness to cooperate. When children hear “no” constantly, they tune it out as background noise –  leading to emotional fatigue for everyone. 

But when “no” is reserved for strategic situations – those concerning safety, wellbeing, and respect – children can actually hear and respond to it. This approach isn’t permissive; it’s thoughtful and respects the limited energy you have as a parent.

Need help setting limits that actually work?  The Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits short course will help.

When parenting feels too hard Step 4: Slow down to understand what’s actually happening

A child resisting bedtime might not be “defiant”. They might be worried they’ll forget their plan for tomorrow’s project.

Tim had a breakthrough when he asked five-year-old Bodhi why he was resisting bedtime. Bodhi didn’t want to forget what colors he wanted to use on his drawing the next day.

Simple solution: they wrote down the colors on a note and taped it above his bed. Bedtime resistance: solved.

Why this works: Most “misbehavior” is actually a child trying to meet a legitimate need in the only way they know how: resistance. 

When you can understand the need underneath their behavior, you often find simple solutions that meet both your needs and theirs. (Not sure what need your child is trying to meet?  The Tell Me What My Child’s Need Is quiz will help!)

The child gets their needs met (remembering their plan), and you get your needs met (reasonable bedtime). This is fundamentally different from either giving in or forcing compliance.

When parenting feels too hard Step 5: Repair instead of ruminate

Tim came home from work stressed about getting the kids to bed quickly. They had planned to set up a tent for an upcoming camping trip. The kids weren’t listening – they were running around losing tent stakes. Bodhi had a hatchet and was swinging it around. The tent kept falling over.

By bedtime, nobody was having a good time.

Tim paused. “Guys, I’m really sorry that I’ve been short with you. I’m just a little worried that you’re not listening to anything I say, and we’re going camping soon. And a lot of dangerous things could happen if we’re not listening. I love you so much. And you’re so important to me.”

His daughter Remy looked at him and said: “That’s not true. You always go to work and leave us.”

The “misbehavior” wasn’t about the tent or the hatchet or bedtime. It was about an unmet need for connection.

Why this works: Repair builds resilience in your relationship. When you mess up and acknowledge it, you teach your child several crucial things: that mistakes are normal, that relationships can survive conflict, and that they’re worthy of an apology. A simple “I was tired and got upset. I love you” rebuilds safety faster than hours of guilt and rumination. Your child doesn’t need perfect parenting – they need you to show up and reconnect when things go wrong.

When parenting feels too hard Step 6: Teach your kids to solve their own problems

This is where things get exciting for parents. When you shift from controlling behavior to helping kids understand their needs, they start using those skills themselves.

Adriana changed how she responded to sibling conflicts. Instead of jumping in to separate them immediately, she started checking in: “Hey, I hear some loud voices. Do you guys need help? Are you figuring it out?”

When they needed help, she’d grab a favorite stuffed animal. Whoever’s holding it gets to say everything they need to say, without interruption. Then they brainstorm solutions together.

Here’s what happened: Bodhi (4) was coloring. Remy (3) came over and started trying to color on his paper.  (Previously, this would have ended in a meltdown all around.)

Bodhi said: “Wait a second, Remy, let’s talk about this. What do you need right now?”

Remy: “I just really wanted some extra playtime with you because you’ve spent so much time coloring lately.”

Bodhi: “Okay, what if I stop coloring for a few minutes and go play with you?”

They solved it themselves. Four and three years old. No parent intervention. No timeout. No consequences. No bribes.

Why this works: When you teach problem-solving skills instead of just managing behavior, you’re investing in long-term capacity building. Your kids learn to identify their needs, communicate them clearly, and work toward solutions that respect everyone involved. Initially, this takes more time and energy than just separating fighting kids. 

But once they internalize these skills, they can use them independently – which dramatically reduces the amount of refereeing you need to do. You’re not the referee anymore. You’re the coach. And that saves you enormous amounts of energy in the long run.

When parenting feels too hard Step 7: Get support when you’re stuck

You don’t need more information. You’ve probably already done a lot of research. You understand gentle parenting and respectful parenting concepts.

What you need is someone to help you figure out why it’s not working in your house, with your specific kids, given your specific triggers and history.

Here’s the gap most parents face: they know what respectful parenting looks like in theory, but they don’t know why they keep defaulting to yelling when their four-year-old refuses to put on shoes for the tenth time that week. They understand that children’s behavior is communication, but they can’t decode what their specific child is trying to communicate in the moment when everyone’s melting down.

You need someone who can see the patterns you can’t see yourself. Someone who can say “Here’s what might be happening” when you’re too close to the situation to have perspective. Someone who understands both the research and the reality of implementing it when you’re depleted.

That’s a completely different kind of support than reading another book or listening to another podcast episode.

Why this works: An outside perspective helps you see what’s actually happening underneath the surface struggles – the unmet needs, the patterns from your own childhood, the specific dynamics in your family. This helps you get clarity on why the knowledge you already have isn’t translating into action. With support, you can identify the specific barriers keeping you stuck and develop strategies that actually fit your family’s reality.

When You Feel Tired of Parenting Altogether

Adrianna and Tim were doubtful that joining the Parenting Membership would help them.  When I asked them why they did anyway, they looked at each other, laughed, and said: “Desperation!” 

The truth is, parenting is hard because it requires constant emotional availability from people who are already exhausted. But things can shift surprisingly quickly once you get the right support.

Not because your kids become perfect. Kids are still kids. They still have big feelings. They still fight with their siblings sometimes. They still resist bedtime occasionally.

What changes is how you show up. Tim said: “I think it’s more about how we responded to stuff that made a bigger difference.”

Adriana described an internal shift where she started feeling real compassion for her children instead of annoyance. “When my kids are having a hard time, I feel that for them. And it makes getting down and having that conversation easier. It’s not always having the problem-solving conversation in the moment, but just being there for them. ‘Ah, you must be really upset right now to say that to me. Yeah, let me know if there’s anything I can do. I’m here for you.’ And I mean it. They can feel that I mean it, you know. So it’s been a game changer.”

How to Discipline a Child When Nothing Works

Sometimes I see parents online asking: “What discipline tools do you use in X situation?” or “What consequence do you give for Y behavior”?

When we’re asking these questions, we’re missing the opportunity to understand why the child was doing the behavior in the first place.

Adrianna and Tim’s kids used to fight constantly, and Adrianna would jump in to send each child to their ‘corner.’  

Their fighting triggered memories from her own childhood, and she would tell them: “Siblings aren’t supposed to do that. You guys have to be best friends.”

That approach wasn’t working – Adrianna couldn’t go to the bathroom without one of them pulling the other one’s hair out.

Why Traditional Discipline Stops Working

Kids act out because they have unmet needs and they don’t know how else to communicate them.

Parents whose kids hit each other usually find the hitting happens for one of two main reasons:

1. The hitting child wants to play and doesn’t know how to ask the other one
2. The hitting child wants connection with a parent, and hitting their sibling is the fastest way to get their parent’s attention.

Traditional discipline methods – timeouts, consequences, taking away privileges, spanking – focus on stopping the behavior. And they might work temporarily. Your child stops hitting because they don’t want to lose screen time or sit alone in their room.

But separating them, punishing them, or bribing them doesn’t teach them what to do instead. It doesn’t address why they hit in the first place. So the same thing happens tomorrow. And the next day. And the next.

Why this matters: When you understand that behavior is communication, you ask different questions. Instead of asking “How do I make this stop?” you start asking “What is my child trying to tell me?” That shift opens up entirely different responses – ones that actually address the underlying issue rather than just suppressing the symptom.

What Actually Works

When we talk about our own feelings and needs with our kids, they then start doing it with each other.  

That’s what happened for Adrianna and Tim.  Bodhi didn’t ask about Remy’s need for play out of nowhere.  Adrianna had laid the groundwork in first working to understand Bodhi’s needs:

“I see you don’t like either of the options I’m proposing.  Do you need autonomy?  Do you want to make this decision yourself?”

“I see you not wanting to go to bed, and I’m wondering if you have a need for more connection with me?  Could we do that after dinner tomorrow?”

“It’s hard for me to hear you ask for help in that tone.  Are you feeling overwhelmed right now?  Are you hoping for help to make things a bit easier this evening?”

The next step was Bodhi resisting going to bed with Tim’s ‘help’ – and Bodhi saying: “Mom would ask me what my needs are!”  That’s how they uncovered his concern that he would forget the colors he wanted to use the next day.

Then just a few weeks after that, the kids were using these tools with each other.

And… (drumroll please…) Adrianna could finally go to the bathroom by herself.  

With the door closed.

And know that all kids would still have all body parts when she re-emerged.

Why this works: Children are capable of far more emotional intelligence than we typically give them credit for. When we model problem-solving – identifying feelings and needs, and brainstorming strategies to meet everyone’s needs – they absorb those patterns. 

Then they start applying them in their own relationships. My own daughter’s preschool peers would look to her to help facilitate their conflicts.  This doesn’t happen overnight, but it happens faster than you might think when you consistently use these tools.

Getting Support When Parenting Strategies Aren’t Working

If you’re stuck in a cycle of exhaustion and reactivity, it might be time to get support. You need three things to make actual change happen:

Research-based information tailored to your family. Not just the latest trending parenting advice, but an understanding of what the whole body of scientific research actually says and how to apply it to your specific situation. Generic advice fails because it doesn’t account for your unique nervous system, your triggers, your family dynamics.

A supportive community. Other parents who share your values. Who won’t judge you when you admit you yelled at your kid this morning. Who understand what you’re trying to do and can offer perspective when you’re stuck. Community provides both validation that you’re not alone and practical wisdom from people navigating similar challenges.

Help when you get stuck. Because you will get stuck. We all do. When that happens, you have two choices: drop back into your old habits, or figure out what didn’t work and why, and how to try differently next time. This is where coaching makes the difference – someone who can help you see the patterns you can’t see yourself and identify the specific barriers keeping you stuck.

That third piece is what makes the difference between reading another book and actually changing your family dynamics.

Inside the Parenting Membership, we help parents rebuild emotional capacity and learn strategies that actually work – especially when nothing else does. You get monthly content on different parenting challenges, access to a private community, group coaching calls where you can talk directly with me, and small groups of peers who meet weekly and form deep connections as you work through challenges together.

Tim said something unexpected: “If someone was to ask me, I would say it’s as valuable for our marriage as it is for the kids.” He and Adriana realized they weren’t extending the same respect to each other that they were learning to give their children. The tools you learn for parenting help with every relationship in your life.

Click the banner to learn more.

Final Thoughts

Parenting will always have hard days. You’ll still get tired, frustrated, and overwhelmed – but each time you pause, repair, or rest, you’re changing the pattern.

You don’t need to parent perfectly.  (Perfect parents don’t actually exist.) You just have to keep showing up with compassion for yourself as well as your child.

Adriana gained confidence in seeing her own needs as valid: “I spent a long time trying to be somebody that I wasn’t. And doing that totally makes seeing your own needs impossible. Because even if you do see them, they’re not valid.”

Tim learned to show emotion with his kids despite his “men don’t cry” upbringing: “I was totally raised on not showing emotion and not letting people see your weaknesses. But I do know the value in it. And it makes it possible for me, and I know it’s going to get us to where we need to be.”

These weren’t small shifts. These were fundamental changes in how they understood themselves, their kids, and their relationships. And it happened faster than they expected.

Links to products on Amazon are affiliate links, which means I receive a small commission that does not affect the price you pay.

Frequently Asked Questions About Parenting

1. Why is parenting so hard these days?

Today’s parents face a unique challenge: they know what to do but are too depleted to actually do it. You’re trying to stay calm and connected while juggling endless responsibilities with limited rest. Your nervous system stores patterns from your own childhood and activates them before your thinking brain can intervene. When you’re chronically stressed, your brain literally can’t access the parenting tools you know intellectually. This gap between knowledge and capacity is where exhaustion turns even the best intentions into frustration.

2. What to do when parenting is too hard?

Start by recognizing you’re depleted, not failing. Stop setting unnecessary limits – save “no” for things that truly matter so your kids actually listen. Slow down to understand what’s driving the behavior instead of just reacting to it. When you mess up, repair quickly with a simple “I was tired and got upset. I love you.” Teach your kids to identify their own needs and solve problems together. And get support from someone who can help you figure out why things aren’t working with your specific kids and triggers.

3. How do you discipline a child when nothing works?

Traditional discipline fails because it focuses on stopping behavior without addressing why it’s happening. Kids don’t act out because they’re “bad” – they have unmet needs and don’t know how to communicate them yet. Instead of asking “How do I make this stop?” ask “What is my child trying to tell me?” Teach them to identify and communicate their needs. They can often find highly creative strategies that meet your needs as well! This addresses the actual issue instead of just suppressing the symptom.

4. How do you deal with parental exhaustion?

Parental exhaustion isn’t just about getting more sleep.  You may be emotionally depleted as well. It’s important to address the root causes, not just manage symptoms. Stop blaming yourself and recognize that constant conflict happens when everyone’s operating on empty. Reduce unnecessary demands by only setting limits that truly matter. Focus on repair instead of rumination when things go wrong. Teach your kids problem-solving skills so they can handle conflicts without you. And treat underlying mental health issues – it’s more than just taking a bath or practicing self-care.

5. Can you get burnout from parenting?

Absolutely. When your stress levels stay high, you might know the “right” response but find yourself yelling, shutting down, or giving in anyway. You’re constantly waiting to stop just surviving. You snap before you can stop yourself and parent in ways that don’t match your values. Chronic stress keeps your body in a heightened state of alert, and your nervous system prioritizes responding to immediate demands over connection and patience. When you’re operating this way day after day, even “good enough” parenting seems out of reach.

6. What are the best parenting strategies when kids won’t listen?

Kids often aren’t listening because they have an unmet need they can’t communicate. Instead of repeating commands, slow down and ask what’s going on. One dad discovered his son resisted bedtime because he worried about forgetting the colors he wanted to use on his drawing the next day – they wrote it down and bedtime resistance disappeared. Teach kids to identify their needs and brainstorm solutions together. When siblings fight, ask if they need help or if they’re figuring it out themselves. Give them problem-solving tools they can use without you, which saves enormous energy long-term.

7. Why do I find parenting so stressful?

Parenting asks for constant emotional availability from people who are already exhausted. Research shows chronic stress limits access to the parts of your brain responsible for self-control and empathy. When you have multiple kids, it’s physically impossible to meet all their needs simultaneously sometimes. Both kids melting down at once. Both wanting to be held. Nobody’s needs getting met. This isn’t a problem you solve by trying harder. You need different tools that work within your capacity limitations and address why your body reacts the way it does.

References

Bogdán, P. M., Varga, K., Tóth, L., Gróf, K., & Pakai, A. (2025). Parental Burnout: A Progressive Condition Potentially Compromising Family Well-Being-A Narrative Review. Healthcare (Basel, Switzerland), 13(13), 1603. https://doi.org/10.3390/healthcare13131603 

Coyne, S. M., McDaniel, B. T., & Stockdale, L. A. (2017). Do you dare to compare? Associations between maternal social comparisons on social networking sites and parenting, mental health, and romantic relationship outcomes. Computers in Human Behavior, 70, 335–340. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.chb.2016.12.081

Cross, D., Fani, N., Powers, A., & Bradley, B. (2017). Neurobiological Development in the Context of Childhood Trauma. Clinical psychology : a publication of the Division of Clinical Psychology of the American Psychological Association, 24(2), 111–124. https://doi.org/10.1111/cpsp.12198 

Dubois, A. C., Roberti-Lintermans, M., Mallien, Z., François, A., Lahaye, M., De Mol, J., & Aujoulat, I. (2024). How do exhausted parents experience their interactions with their children? A qualitative and participative study. Frontiers in public health, 12, 1340748. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpubh.2024.1340748 

Farhadipari, M., Mirzaie, N., & Dasht Bozorgi, Z. (2024). The Mediating Role of Emotion Regulation and Shame in the Relationship Between Parental Perception and Anxiety in Adulthood. KMAN Conseling and Psychology Nexus, 2(1), 200-209. http://doi.org/10.61838/kman.psynexus.2.1.26 

Goulet, J., Ratelle, C. F., Guay, F., Plamondon, A., Bureau, J. S., Litalien, D., & Duchesne, S. (2025). Children’s externalizing behaviors and parenting practices in school-related tasks: Parental basic psychological needs as mediators. Journal of Family Psychology. Advance online publication. https://doi.org/10.1037/fam0001372

Kim P. (2021). How stress can influence brain adaptations to motherhood. Frontiers in neuroendocrinology, 60, 100875. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.yfrne.2020.100875 

Lumanlan, J. (2025, April 29). Are You A Permissive Parent?. Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/are-you-a-permissive-parent/ 

Lumanlan, J. (2025, February 16). Feeling exhausted and overwhelmed? Tools to help you cope. Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/captivate-podcast/key-skills-overcome-parental-burnout/ 

Lumanlan, J. (2024, April 7). Three reasons why setting limits is hard (and what to do about each of them). Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/captivate-podcast/threereasonssettinglimits/ 

Lumanlan, J. (2022, May 15). From desperation to collaboration. Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/captivate-podcast/desperation/ 

Lumanlan, J. (2021, July 25). The Body Keeps The Score with Dr. Bessel van der Kolk. Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/captivate-podcast/thebodykeepsthescore/ 

Lumanlan, J. (2017, November 5). How to raise emotionally healthy boys. Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/captivate-podcast/healthyboys/ 

Lumanlan, J. (n.d.-a). Needs list. Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/needs 

Lumanlan, J. (n.d.-b). Identifying your child’s needs quiz. Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/childs-needs-quiz 

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Robichaud, J. M., Mageau, G. A., Kil, H., McLaughlin, C., Comeau, N., & Schumann, K. (2025). Parental apologies as a potential determinant of adolescents’ basic psychological needs satisfaction and frustration. Journal of experimental child psychology, 254, 106204. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jecp.2025.106204 

Rutherford, H. J., Wallace, N. S., Laurent, H. K., & Mayes, L. C. (2015). Emotion Regulation in Parenthood. Developmental review : DR, 36, 1–14. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.dr.2014.12.008 

Wenling, L., Muhamad, M. M., Fakhruddin, F. M., Qiuyang, H., & Weili, Z. (2023). Exploring the Impact of Emotional Education in Parent-Child Interactions on Early Childhood Emotional Intelligence Development. International Journal of Academic Research in Progressive Education and Development, 12(3), 733–742.

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Maybe you yell at your child, or swat or spank them – or perhaps you cope by either mentally or emotionally walking away from the situation.

Our ability to handle the ups and downs of parenting is dependent upon our ability to regulate our own emotions and our ability to build and maintain healthy relationships, and difficulty with emotional regulation makes parenting tough. Our children aren’t shy about letting us know about their needs (or what they don’t need, like the other half of that bowl of cereal even though they asked for it…).  This can feel really jarring to us because we were socialized to ignore our own needs – to the point that many of us have a hard time even identifying what are our own needs.

But if we regularly overreact when our child asserts their needs, ruptures in our relationship with our child may appear.  And when we’re in full flip-out mode over that bowl of cereal we aren’t modeling successful emotional regulation for our child, so they’re more likely to struggle to develop those skills themselves.

But there’s a lot you can do to regulate yourself more effectively, once you understand the reasons why you feel this way, and learn some simple tools to navigate situations that make you react explosively.

Haunted by the past

Trauma lives in the automatic response system of our brain.  Maybe a particular smell always makes you think of your grandmother or hearing a particular song reminds you of a friend whom you haven’t seen in years.

We might think we have difficulties digesting certain food, but some scientists think that this may actually be linked to a difficult emotional experience we had while eating that food – so maybe we feel nauseous when we smell calamari because they remind us of the fight we had with our spouse at the Italian restaurant.  And it might seem like we’re angry with our child for wasting food (don’t they know about the starving children?  And greenhouse gas emissions?!) which means they need to change their behavior, the actual cause of our explosive reaction lies within us parents.

When we have an oversized response to something – including our child’s behavior – that originates in a traumatic event we experienced at some other point in our lives, psychologists say we’re being “triggered”.  When triggered, people may find themselves reliving a traumatic event – or if this happened so long ago or our brain has blocked these memories, we might not even be able to identify the trigger.

When triggered, your body goes into fight, flight, freeze, or fawn mode (more about these later). These reactions can be useful during a traumatic event but when the trauma is long-past, changes that occurred in our brains and bodies during and after the trauma leave us with a legacy of health problems from cancer, heart disease, and respiratory disease to drug use and violence directed toward oneself and others.

Parenting is a tough job with often intense emotions. Even if we haven’t experienced trauma we may still have similar reactions to our child’s behavior known as emotional flooding, which is extremely common among parents.  This often flares up when our child does something that reminds us of how our own needs were not met (because they weren’t understood, or were understood but deliberately ignored) as children.  I hear from parents all the time who snap when their child argues, refuses to cooperate, doesn’t use appropriate manners, makes a mess, and wastes food – all of which we were likely punished for doing as children. Like trauma-related triggers, emotional flooding can make us unable to behave rationally.

Body and mind disconnect

You may have heard the brief history of the separation of body and mind that I described in my recent podcast episode on The Physical Reasons You Yell At Your Kids.  For thousands of years in Western culture the body has been thought of like a machine with parts that needed to be maintained so the overall whole looks and functions acceptably, and occasionally replaced when they broke down.  This view sees a separation between body and mind that intensified as we began to view brains essentially as computers that process information rationally – unless they’re defective or broken in some way.

Disconnection between mind and body is incredibly common. It is frequently the result of trauma, but it doesn’t have to be a trauma in the objective sense. There aren’t ‘legitimate’ or ‘illegitimate’ traumatic events. For some people, a job loss might be an inconvenience, while for others, it might be a traumatic event. We can’t change how we respond to the event by telling ourselves it wasn’t a big deal because the reaction we’re experiencing isn’t ‘in our head.’ The reaction is being experienced in our mind and our body.

Our automatic stress response

When we are flooded or triggered, our bodies are “thrown into an unnecessary state of survival mode that does not correspond to any actual or significant risk to survival or well-being.” Our bodies are disconnected from the reality of the situation we’re in.

We struggle to recognize our emotions and assess threats: our child leaving half a bowl of cereal uneaten does not represent an actual threat to us, even if we’re reacting as if it does.

Next, our bodies may go into fight, flight, freeze, or fawn mode. This is a response in our body that is designed to protect us from harm. It is instinctual. You’ve probably heard of fight or flight, where we prepare to attack or run, but additional automatic reactions have been identified. Sometimes people freeze; this is the deer in headlights response and can happen when we have no way out of a situation or when we aren’t able to figure out what is happening. The fawn response can be thought of as the people pleasing response and is often developed to protect us in a situation where we hope we can appease the person threatening us to prevent them from harming us.

The commonality across all of these responses is that they are automatic, and when these are activated our amygdala, which is sometimes referred to as the guard dog of the brain, springs into action to keep us safe.  That can prevent us from using our rational decision making process: our brain believes that we don’t have the luxury of being rational, so that part of our brain shuts down in favor of the fight, flight, freeze, or fawn response. Because the traumatic memories are disassociated in our brains, the memories, smells, tastes, sounds, and feelings are all disconnected. This is why people often don’t understand their reactions – and it seems like it’s the half-eaten bowl of cereal that’s the problem, when actually the problem lies deep within us.

It’s also worth noting that people who have experienced discrimination or persecution based on their race, religion, gender, or sexual preference may not have the luxury of knowing that they are safe.  The threats their bodies are trained to identify and respond to are not relics of the past that no longer serve them. The fear that their child’s behavior could provoke a tragic response from threats outside the home is not unfounded.

If we spend years living with a threat, our body may be stuck in a state of heightened alert. We may have anxiety, high blood pressure, or permanently tense muscles. This can have devastating health effects. While it is impossible to blame any one aspect of discrimination to the overall health of marginalized groups, there’s a goodd eal of evidence that the ongoing trauma caused by racism has negative health impacts on both children and adults.

For some of us, the over-active guard dog that’s still trying to protect us may need some retraining. As a result of past circumstances, it may still jump into action every time someone walks past on the sidewalk and isn’t actually trying to break into our house, and the chronic stress associated with this isn’t good for us – or for our relationship with our child.

Reconnecting our minds and bodies

To respond (rather than reacting) we have to reconnect our minds and bodies.

Slowly, research is changing the Western understanding of the mind-body connection. We now know that the mind and body are not separate entities, and the connection between them is important for health and wellness. Meditation, which takes many forms, has been associated with positive effects on physical and mental health and wellness. During meditation, people reconnect their minds with their bodies by observing what they’re experiencing through their senses (which are located in the body!) right now in the present moment.

One thing that can have an impact is to have physical experiences that directly contradict how our body is programmed to react. Dr. Bessel van der Kolk, author of The Body Keeps Score, gives the example of martial arts and yoga. In the martial arts, you learn and practice ways to protect and control your body, so you know and you feel that you are not helpless, this can help overcome the trauma that taught you you are helpless.

How to stop reacting explosively to your child’s behavior

There are two main approaches we can use to effectively regulate our emotions.

Top down emotional regulation involves changing our thought processes by developing deeper insight into their behaviors and past experiences. I don’t want to give the impression that this type of therapy is wrong or problematic – in fact, the insight we get from understanding why we feel a certain way can sometimes help us to be less impacted by situations we used to find difficult to navigate.

But many people find that there simply isn’t any space between their child’s behavior and their explosive reaction for them to choose the response they decided during therapy would be more constructive.  This is why we might fully comprehend that the way we’re reacting to our child’s behavior isn’t helpful (or aligned with our values as a parent), but still not be able to stop ourselves from doing it in the moment.

I worked with one parent who said it was like she was floating above herself yelling at her child – knowing she would be trying to repair the relationship in just a few minutes – but still unable to stop herself in the moment.  The top-down (brain-based) approach is more effective when it operates in conjunction with bottom-up (body-based) actions.

Bottom up emotional regulation involves taming the autonomic nervous system-actions our body takes without any direction from our rational brain-our heart rate, blood pressure, breathing, and digestion.

Using the bottom up strategy can be summed up with a word you’ve heard me say many times: mindfulness. With basic activities like breathing, moving, and touching, we can affect our body’s “involuntary” functions and improve our ability to remain rational and regulate our emotional responses. In getting out of the stories our brain is telling us about how we can’t cope with the situation, we realize that we can cope in this moment.  That there isn’t an emergency.  By working with our brain in this way, we can improve our emotional regulation.

This is something that can benefit all of us. I think everyone I know has lapses in emotional regulation – including me. It’s amazing how a little bit of growth in this area can have a really dramatic impact on our lives and families, and that’s why I created the Taming Your Triggers workshop.

This 10-week online workshop will help you understand the strong reactions you have to the little frustrations of parenting–unfinished cereal, backtalk, messes, and the insistence on having the “right” cup for their milk even if it is in the dishwasher and unavailable.

If you often find yourself triggered or flooded by your child’s behavior, you’ll find yourself in good company.  We’ll dig deeply so you can find the causes of your triggered feelings and understand these to bring the insight you need.  Then we’ll develop skills to create space between your child’s difficult behavior and your explosive reaction so you can respond to them effectively.

In the workshop you’ll learn:

• The real sources of your triggered/flooded feelings (which aren’t in your child’s behavior!);
• How to feel triggered less often;
• How to repair your relationship with your child on the fewer occasions when it does still happen.

The workshop is recommended by a Licensed Clinical Social Worker who counsels individuals who have experienced trauma and it’s not an exaggeration to say that participants who have engaged deeply with the content have experienced dramatic results.

Here’s what one real parent said about her experience:

“I can honestly say this is the most important and significant accomplishment I’ve had in my personal life… maybe ever.”

“Where do I start saying how this workshop has helped me? It has helped me to identify that I was even being triggered in the first place. I thought I was just an anxious person and there was no other way. Because of this workshop, I can now identify when I am triggered and step away from my narrow perspective, understand the root of the trigger from my past, and see the bigger picture including what my partner or child might be feeling and perceiving in that moment from me.

The whole workshop was really well structured to both give me insight and help find solutions that work for me. Now I understand much more about how the intergenerational trauma that has happened in my family is impacting my relationship with my son. And I had always known I had issues with my mom, but not the extent to which it affected me on an hourly basis – that module of content dropped a bomb on me that I never saw coming. I’m so glad that I learned tools in the workshop so I don’t have to be ruled by that any more. I also learned what hypoarousal is – I saw that I probably spent 50% of my time in this state and had no idea it was even a thing.

I still get triggered and give in to impulse every once in a while now, but FAR less often. What I’ve learned in the workshop has improved my relationship with both my child and husband and even my relationship with myself. I can honestly say this is the most important and significant accomplishment I’ve had in my personal life… maybe ever. I wish there was a way to fully convey the value that parents who are experiencing these feelings will get out of this workshop.

– A.H.

Your powerful feelings are not random and it’s not your fault that you’re having them – but even though it’s not your fault, you can still do a lot to help you navigate them more effectively. By boosting your own coping skills, you’ll increase the sense of calm in your home and become not only a model of emotion regulation, but of being imperfect, and recognizing that imperfection, and taking steps forward anyway – which gives our children ‘permission’ to do the same in their own struggles.

You’re not failing them…you’re helping them.

Click the banner to learn more!

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In this post I’m going to discuss six of the most significant causes of parental anxiety including the newest cause -COVID-19 – which amplifies the other five.

Cause #1 – Unwanted Opinions

We fear our children being seen too spoiled, too selfish, too nice, too overweight/underweight, too addicted to screens, too active, too lazy, too loud, too quiet, too stubborn, too obedient —shall I go on?

We struggle to identify the “just right” qualities we hope our children will develop and waste untold amounts of mental and physical energy trying to manipulate our children into developing these “just right” qualities that we can’t even fully  identify.  And the primary way we evaluate our children’s qualities is through what other people think of them – at school; at the doctor’s office; in the checkout line at the supermarket.

Everyone has an opinion on parenting.  It’s impossible to please them all, and we shouldn’t even try.  We  have to find our own North Star so we can set goals that are uniquely right for our family, so that when the little everyday challenges arise, we’re not just reacting to them based on how we feel in that moment.

I know how hard it is to look behind the headlines and figure out what is true, what is important, and what it means to you.

Once you find your parenting North Star, you’ll be able to get to the root of the problems you’re having with your child and have a plan to confidently address these, which means you can stop feeling overwhelmed by the constant barrage of competing opinions from relatives, friends, and the media.

Cause #2 –Isolation

Loneliness is both very widespread and seriously problematic in Western Society. Parents of young children are particularly vulnerable to isolation and loneliness.

According to psychologist Aisling Leonard-Curtin, loneliness and isolation of parents can lead to anxiety, depression, and parental burnout.

Drs. Moïra Mikolajczak, whom I’ve interviewed for the Your Parenting Mojo podcast, and Isabelle Roskam have researched parenting burnout and how to address it. They’ve  noted that burnout is much more common in Westernized cultures than in other places around the world.

If you can believe it, Western parents with 1 or 2 children were more likely to experience burnout than African parents with 8-9 children.

This is at least partly because of the very different beliefs about raising children. The African phrase “it takes a village” to raise a child means that we need social support to raise a child. The task is too enormous for one or two people to do on their own. In the non-Western World, there is much more social support, whereas in the West, parents are largely left on their own. Compounding the problem, parents in Western cultures often feel they are solely responsible for making sure their children develop strong cognitive and social/emotional skills in addition to being healthy and happy.

When we feel that we’re on the hook for all of it, no-one else can help, and we’ll be judged if we get it wrong, it’s not surprising that we feel anxious about our children.

Cause #3 – Media Sensationalism

The media in general grabs onto any parenting issue that can be sensationalized to draw interest. Rather than presenting nuanced findings from research, correlations and anecdotes are presented as scientific fact. Creating controversy is how they expand their audience, but slight correlations or surprising results from small studies have to be discussed in more nuanced ways. Unfortunately, that practice would be bad for the business of generating clicks for advertising views.

The debate about screen time for children is a perfect example of how the media creates anxiety for parents. Headlines, like “Scientists finally know what screen time does to your toddler’s brain,” promise definitive information and try to guilt parents with assertions about screen time slowing brain development. The truth about screen time is far more nuanced, but that’s less likely to inspire heated Twitter debates or 20 million shares on Facebook.

Compounding the problem, scientific research and expert opinions on parenting have changed substantially in the last hundred years. Best practices in psychological research have definitely improved since the days when pregnant mothers were advised to “avoid thinking of ugly people,” to avoid producing unattractive children.

Unfortunately, the combination of poor research and media sensationalism gives some people the impression that all expert advice is worthless as evidenced by the constant, dramatic shifts seen in the media. Parents absolutely need a reliable resource for research-based information regarding child development and parenting.

Cause #4 – You’re not on the same page as your partner

When I interviewed Dr. Laura Froyen, she explained that parenting and discipline is one of the most common areas where couples disagree. Making matters worse, seeing parental conflict about parenting can be very upsetting for children. It can lead to self-blame, guilt, and insecurity.

On the other hand, children learn about conflict resolution and problem solving within their family. If parents can work together as a team, to resolve conflicts and solve problems, children will learn that people who love each other can disagree and work through their problems respectfully.

Many of us grew up in homes with poor examples of conflict and as a result learned that it is uncomfortable and best avoided. Dr. John Gottman, a prolific couple’s researcher identified four conflict starters as the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.” These argument inciters are:

1. Criticism
2. Defensiveness
3. Contempt
4. Stonewalling

The presence of these four characteristics of conflict is closely related to marital dissatisfaction and potentially even marital breakdown.

Gottman’s research shows that successful couples don’t avoid conflict; they actually welcome it as an opportunity to connect with their partner, to experience acceptance and understanding within a significant attachment relationship.

Getting on the same page with your partner may seem impossible if you are coming from extremely different backgrounds, and when you and your partner don’t know how to discuss disagreements without the Four Horsemen becoming involved.

It can be very difficult to overcome communication habits that have become ingrained, but with the right information and participation by both parties, it is possible.  While it’s true that the only person you can really change is yourself, it’s much easier to make progress if your partner isn’t knowingly or unknowingly doing things that trigger you and take you back to square one each time.

Cause #5 – Parenting is hard!

If you’ve made it this far into the post, you probably don’t need much elaboration on this.  Children are demanding!

Food, messes, safety, potty training, bedtimes, and sibling rivalry create a never-ending drain on our energy.

Then there are the tantrums!

Somehow toddlers seem to have magical powers that help them discern the moments when you are the most exhausted, anxious, busy, or distraught–that impeccable sense of timing should serve them well someday, but that’s little comfort when you’re just trying to get out of the grocery store without a giant canister of cheese curls.

We know young children are learning and developing at an incredibly fast pace, and it is really hard for parents to keep up!

One path forward here is to understand a little more about your child’s development.  Research has shown that parents who understand more about their child’s development have more positive interactions with their children.  This may well be because parents who understand developmental milestones don’t put unrealistic expectations on their children.

For example, 56% of parents surveyed by the organization Zero to Three thought that children under age 3 should be able to resist the urge to do something that the parent has forbidden, but actually this ability often develops between the ages of 3.5-4 – or even later for some children.

If we are continually expecting our children to comply with our wishes when their brain structures don’t yet allow them to do this, we’re making parenting even more difficult for ourselves.

Cause #6 – Parenting and the pandemic

COVID-19 has amplified almost every anxiety-producing aspect of parenting young children.

How can we make sure our children are ‘doing okay’ or exceling cognitively, socially, and emotionally when socialization is limited and schools are closed?

Where can we turn for support when some relatives are isolating and those willing to take the risk to come to our homes and provide childcare pose a risk that we’re not comfortable taking?

What is the truth about the risks posed for children? Are they immune to the virus? (Of course, they aren’t, but the message is out there nonetheless.) Will it have any impact on them? Can they spread it to adults? Are they less likely to contract the virus? Will the virus cause long-term problems for them even if they don’t get terribly sick? If a vaccine emerges, will it be safe enough to give to them? Will it be worse for them to get the virus, or miss out on school?

How are we supposed to co-parent effectively with our partner when we’re together ALL the time?

And how can we do all this while we’re working remotely as well?

One way is to shift from a mindset of scarcity (“there is never enough of me to go around; I can’t do it all…” to a mindset of abundance (“I am enough.  There is enough of me to go around.”). 

Yes, we need to advocate for better social safety nets.  And while we still don’t have them, we can shift our own mindset, which changes the way we feel about the situation and the way we respond to others.

What is the solution?

Parents need unbiased information and non-judgmental support. Combined, these two components combat the conflicting advice, the isolation, and the media sensationalism. With solid information and strategies, parents can approach the incredibly difficult task of parenting from common ground as a team, using strategies that are grounded in a clear understanding of their children’s brain development.

To help, I’m bringing back my popular Finding Your Parenting Mojo membership. If you love the research-based information you hear on the Your Parenting Mojo podcast and read on the blog but struggle to apply the ideas in your real life with your unique family, then the membership is designed for you.

New this year, I’ve restructured the membership to make it even more immediately useful to you.  When you join, you get immediate access to three or 12 modules of content (depending on which option you select).  You can download a Guide to walk you through a series of activities, or watch a video presentation or listen to an audio read-through.  No matter how you learn, I’ve got you covered.

There are pre-recorded Q&As available to watch immediately – not hours-long calls that you have to wade through to find the nuggets of useful information, but a series of 5-10 minute videos with each one addressing a different challenge – so you can find exactly the support you need for your specific problem, and fast.

You’ll also connect with like-minded parents in a supportive private community, and can opt to join a small group of parents to help you bring your learning to life by taking small but meaningful steps toward your goals.

In the first module of the membership, we’ll create some breathing room by developing tools to dramatically reduce the number of tantrums at your house. We’ll introduce a Problem Solving Conversation Tool to help you find solutions to those problems that seem to recur again and again so you can get out of that negative cycle.

In the second module, you’ll learn to parent as a team with your partner.  You’ll figure out where you need to become more aligned in your approaches, and where it’s OK to disagree.  And you’ll gain some new tools to approach these conversations with your partner in a way that doesn’t get their back up but instead invites them to share how they’re really feeling, so you can do the same.

During the third module, you’ll set a family vision and goals based on your unique family values, and you’ll learn how to align daily interactions with long-term goals.  Because if you’re trying to raise a child who is independent but you step in and take over every time they struggle, there’s a misalignment between your goals and what your child is actually learning about how the world works.

These three modules form the core content, and you can choose to start with just those.  Or you could take your family life  to the next level and use your new tools and skills to address topics like raising healthy eaters, navigating screens, and supporting siblings. In each module, you’ll make a plan with goals that are both based on research-based ideas and aligned with your values.

One parent who is in the membership recently said “I think one thing I love about your work is it just makes it OK to hang out, enjoy and do what you want to with your family. Just be together, talk to each other, share yourselves and do what you need. No need to worry…You’ve cured my anxiety about all things parenting.”

Click here to learn more about the Finding Your Parenting Mojo membership, and to sign up.  Enrollment is now open!

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“I don’t want to.”

“Put your shoes away now.”

“No!”

“If you don’t put them away you can’t watch cartoons tonight, and maybe we won’t have dessert either!”

~sigh~ 

(A conversation like this has never happened in your house, right?  Didn’t think so.  Mine either😉) 

When we ask our child to put their shoes away it might seem to us that we are asking them to do an incredibly simple, easy thing that should take a few seconds at most, but often what we’re actually trying to do is to exert some control.  We parents have a bit of a habit of doing this with our children at the best of times, but when everything else around us seems out of control and also our children just won’t put their shoes away, the sense of a loss of control can feel like it’s taking us over and seem completely overwhelming.

And then our child refuses, and we realize that all the conventional parenting advice in the world is about to get us into a very sticky spot.

Conventional parenting advice tells us not to back down.  Don’t give any impression that you don’t know what you’re doing.  Present a united front (with your partner) toward your child.  

And once we’re committed to that approach, we have no choice but to dig in.  And that gives our child no choice but to dig in the trenches too.

We dig; they dig.

It’s hostile.  The shields are up, the swords are out, and a truce seems unlikely.

The problem only gets ‘resolved’ when one person capitulates.

We might realize – possibly even at the point when we said “Put your shoes away now!” where this is going – but feel powerless to stop it.  Because what’s the alternative?  

Our child will walk all over us and they will NEVER help around the house and our in-laws will think we’re terrible parents and…

Let’s pause for a minute and take a deep breath.

The key idea that I want to convey today is one that I know you’re on board with already: that our relationship with our child is the most important thing in this situation.

And when our relationship with our child is the most important thing – more important than whether they put their shoes away or walk or over us or never help out around the house or what our in-laws think – we can create space to respond differently.

This is called ‘dropping the rope.’

Imagine that conversation again: you ask your child to put their shoes away.  You’re picking up one end of a thick tug-of-war rope.  Your child says ‘no.’ They’re picking up the other end of the rope.  It might seem as though there is now no way out of this situation except to see who can pull hardest.  

But there is.

Drop the rope.

But what do we do instead to prevent our child from walking all over us and never helping out around the house and having our in-laws think we are terrible parents?  

I choose between two potential responses, depending on whether this is a one-off situation (like a spilled drink) or something that happens regularly (like putting shoes away).

How to handle one-off situations

In one-off situations like a spilled drink I use parent educator Robin Einzig’s tool of modeling graciousness.  There’s a long and beautiful post about it here, but the gist of it is that we should “demonstrate and model for them the authentic spirit and intention that we wish for them to possess.”  So if we want them to respond graciously and offer to help clean up when we spill a drink, we should respond graciously and offer to help clean up when they spill a drink.

A slightly less abstract way to think about it is to imagine that instead of being your child, it was your closest friend who spilled the drink.  Would you say “You made the mess; you clean it up!”?  Hand them a rag and stand over them until they did it?  Of course not.  You’d say “oops!” and grab a rag and start cleaning, or if it was a big spill you’d get two and hand one to them.

Another tool to help think about it is to imagine if we were visiting a friend’s house and spilled a drink.  Wouldn’t we already feel mortified without being shamed into cleaning it up?

So in these situations I get two cloths, hand one to my daughter, and start wiping.  She will usually start wiping as well, and before long the mess is gone.  Once the emotional charge of the event has passed, if it seems necessary I might remind her about what can happen when we put cups close to the edge of the table, but not in an “I’ve told you this a million times” kind of tone.

The beauty of this approach is that it results in an “it doesn’t matter who made the mess; we all help to clean it up” attitude.  And don’t we want that in our house?

How to handle regularly occurring situations

In the Modeling Graciousness post Robin also talks about the idea that parents must still “set expectations.”  But how do we do that, exactly?  

I developed a method after interviewing a professor who studies how children in different cultures do chores, and after reflecting that I was starting to feel walked-all-over when my daughter refused to put her shoes away every afternoon.  Modeling graciousness wasn’t helping.

The next time she came home and left her shoes in the hallway, I asked her to put them away.  She said “no.”  

I responded: “Well, in our family we all help each other out.  I’m happy to do it for you this time, and I’ll appreciate your help with it tomorrow.”

[Note the “and” instead of “but,” which would have negated the idea that I’m happy to help.]

It took two days, and then she began putting her shoes away.

Then, after a couple of weeks, we had a few days of backsliding.

I used the same phrase, and waited for her to come and ask for my help with something (which I knew would happen in <5 minutes).

I got down on her level and said, gently and kindly: “Do you remember a few minutes ago I asked for your help putting shoes away?  You didn’t want to help me, and now you’re asking me for my help.  When you help me it makes me WANT to help you.  When you don’t help me, it makes me feel like I don’t want to help you.  I’m going to help you now, and tomorrow I’d really appreciate your help with the shoes.”

She does still occasionally forget, but at that point a quick and kind: “I see shoes in the hallway!” reminder is enough.  

Putting shoes away is now a habit but, more importantly, we have made the habit of helping each other stronger as well.

No rope required.

Want to learn more strategies so you can limits that your child will respect?

• How to define when limits need to be set (using criteria that’s uniquely right for your family!)
• How to use the Three Zones of Behavior to set loving and effective limits that your child will respect
• What to do in difficult situations (when you can’t set a limit, or when the child refuses to comply with a limit you’ve set)

It’s available in two different forms:

• Mid-May to Mid-March each year: Take the course at your own pace
• Mid-March to Mid-May each year: Sign up and take the course with my support in early May!

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Resilience is often thought of as the ability to ‘bounce back’ from bad situations; it’s what enables us to move past our trauma and heal. Some people seem to have natural resilience, but it is something we have the capacity to develop and strengthen. Building our resilience will help us as individuals, and it will increase our ability to parent the way we want to. Importantly, by taking steps to improve our lives, we’re also modeling self-care, good habits, and self-improvement for our children.

What helps us to develop resiliency?

If we imagine our trauma on one end of a see-saw and our coping skills and resiliency factors on the other end, we can visualize how resilience and coping skills help balance the effects of the trauma.  Research from the Harvard Center on the Developing child has identified four key factors that help develop resilience. These factors interact with our biology in complex ways, but we’ll focus here on what we can control.  These four methods of developing resilience work for both children who have recently experienced trauma and adults for whom it is a more distant yet still intrusive memory.

1. Relationships

Having one or more stable, positive, supportive caregivers is the factor most likely to support the development of resilience in children. A relationship with a safe, positive adult can be a buffer that protects children from developmental disruption.  In fact, it’s best for children if they have a few adults they can trust to keep them safe and love them unconditionally. If you didn’t have this relationship with an adult during or shortly after your trauma, then this could be an important reason why this experience has had an outsized impact on your life.

We can use some specific techniques for developing relationships with our children and others which are helpful for all children, but but their effects are particularly important in building resilience that can act as a buffer for trauma that occurs anytime in life.  If a child demonstrates interest in something or makes an attempt to interact with an adult, the way the adult responds is critical. When we respond positively, we help children learn about the world and demonstrate that we value their thoughts and feelings. Sharing your child’s interest is incredibly powerful. By looking at the object that interests them, encouraging them with smiles, giving the child words to describe what they see we show children that we care about them as individuals. Keep these interactions interactive by allowing wait time after your response and letting the child take the lead. Don’t try to force extended attention if they’ve moved on.

If a child has already experienced some trauma, there are additional techniques to try. The top priority is ensuring safety and reassuring the child that they are safe. Children also benefit from calm adults who try to maintain a normal routine as much as possible. It may be tempting to try to hide a traumatic event from a child and make up a story that seems less upsetting, but experts warn against this practice. It helps children to hear about what happened from a person they trust. Keep the explanation brief and developmentally appropriate, but don’t lie to the children. As their trusted adult, they need to know they can rely on you to tell them the truth.

It’s also important to ask the children questions. They may be worried about things you didn’t think to talk to them about. One friend of mine had to go put down her dog. While she was gone, her daughter asked her dad when the dog was coming home. He explained that the dog wasn’t going to be coming home. The next question she asked was, “Is Mommy coming home?” Children don’t understand events in the same way adults do. They may come to terrifying conclusions that never occurred to us.

2. Autonomy

When children believe they have some autonomy over their circumstances, they are more likely to develop resilience. This is accomplished by giving children choices, treating them with respect, and helping them recognize the relationship between their actions and the consequences.

When we develop supportive relationships with children, as discussed above, we show that we value them as people. We are part of the child’s environment, so when we respond to them, we show them that what they do impacts their environment. This doesn’t mean they are controlling or manipulating us. Giving comfort when they are upset, addressing their needs, and engaging with them in two-way interactions shows them that their actions have an effect on the environment around them.

Giving children some responsibility and having them help with tasks they can do successfully also instills a sense of self-efficacy, or control. Putting toys away and helping you with chores shows them that they are part of the family and that their actions make a meaningful contribution to family life.

3. Learning

We can give children the opportunity to learn how to regulate their own behavior and build the skills they need in life. Young children need to learn things like how to zip their coats, tie their shoes, and take care of their bodies. When they get older, children need to learn how to get a job, drive a car, and manage their money. This allows them to be independent.

Learning is integrally connected to supportive relationships and control. When we are talking with children and including children in chores, we are helping them learn about the world. When we take turns with them and offer comfort, we are teaching them how people interact with each other in ways that are respectful and caring.

4. Spiritual and cultural community and support

Being part of a group gives children a sense of identity. This is particularly important when they aren’t getting hope, support, or a positive self-image from their immediate family. If you belong to a spiritual or cultural community, this is probably already part of your child’s life.

Teaching tolerance for spiritual and cultural communities and sharing a philosophy of life is one way will also be helpful. Focusing on the importance of living out your beliefs, learning from mistakes,  and striving for self-improvement would also fit into this category.

You can also accomplish this by establishing family traditions and participating in community groups and events. Friends and mentors can be an important source of support as well – children may well find that connecting with another adult through a shared interest allows them the space they need to open up about the struggles they are facing.

Overcoming your own trauma

While you may be able to do some work by yourself, many people need professional support to work through their Adverse Childhood Experiences.  As with most things, none of these methods are ‘guaranteed’ to work; what works best for one person may not work for another. Time does tend to help us heal, but if we aren’t proactive about our healing, time alone will probably not help us overcome our trauma and create the lives we want. The activities that follow may help this process along.

Disclaimer: This information should not be considered medical or psychiatric advice and is not a substitute for professional services.

1. Tell your story

When you explore your feelings and reflect on your experiences you may be able to make some sense of things. Making sense of the trauma does not imply there was a reason for it or that it was ultimately a good thing to go through.

When you tell your story, it doesn’t have to be something shared publicly. It doesn’t have to be shared at all, but it certainly could be something you work on with support from a trusted friend, a therapist or counselor, or a support group. In fact, some experts warn that the practice of writing your story can open up old wounds and retraumatize victims in some cases. Before diving in to writing your trauma narrative, consider if this should be done with support from a therapist.

At the heart of telling your story is building awareness. When you tell your story, you increase awareness of what happened. In addition to building your awareness of the past, you need to build awareness of the present – tell the story of where you are right now.  If you can, write down what you can remember about your traumatic experience.  Don’t edit; just write for twenty minutes.  If you finish before the time is up, just start over – new details may come out the second time around.

Handwriting (instead of typing) increases the benefit of this strategy. Research shows that when people write their trauma stories down, they actually experience fewer physical problems and less psychological distress than if they just thought about their trauma.

2. Practice mindfulness

I hope I don’t sound like a broken record since I know I’ve mentioned the benefits mindfulness before, but the research is quite clear on its benefits. One strategy many people find helpful is to focus on gratitude.

You could include your child in developing a habit of gratitude. This is part of my evening routine with my daughter. After stories, we spend a minute talking about things we’re grateful for. It started with just me telling her I was grateful for her, then it developed.

We reflect on the day and discuss some of the good things that happened. We talk about how nice it is to have a bed to sleep in where she can get a good night’s sleep and prepare her mind and body tomorrow’s adventures. Recently, she’s started contributing. If I mention how we’re grateful for some people we visited that day, she’s quick to point out that I’ve forgotten to be grateful for their pets. We also practice sending ‘good wishes’ out to people in the world – both friends and family, and humanity in general.  Hearing her contributions does wonders for my mood!

3. Take care of yourself

Self-care is a phrase that is thrown around a lot, and advertisers would have us believe it’s all about getting massages, taking bubble baths, and burning lavender scented candles. That’s all fine if you want to do that, but please don’t think that is the full picture of self-care. Many of us are so focused on caring for others in our lives, that we need to get more fundamental about self-care.

When I think of self-care, the first thing that comes to mind is health.

Are you taking care of your own health? This means getting your annual physical, going to the dentist, keeping up-to-date with preventative screenings and taking prescribed medicine.

Are you eating right and getting enough sleep?

Are you wearing clothes that fit?

Do you make time to speak with (or better yet, visit) friends and family who you care about?

I know plenty of parents who neglect these basic elements of self-care, and research actually shows how important this is.

4. Seek connections and support

Being a parent can be a very lonely job. Even those of us lucky enough to have a partner at home may find we spend very little time in adult conversation. If we don’t make a conscious effort to make and maintain connections, we become isolated very quickly. This is particularly true for those in need of healing. If you are a trauma survivor, it’s harder to maintain social connections. You may not have a good relationship with your family. You may be coping with depression, anxiety, or physical illness that makes socializing harder.

Try to identify some way to increase your connection with others. Maybe you can schedule times to call old friends, find a support group, or connect with others through a shared interest. Lots of communities have softball leagues or city bands. Sometimes there are clubs that meet at libraries to play games or study books.  There are often groups of parents who connect on social media and plan gatherings that include parents and children, and while the children play together the parents actually get time to talk.

5. Cultivate positivity and hope

We have to maintain hope. Dwelling on negativity and ruminating on problems can eventually make us hopeless. There’s no need for blind optimism. We don’t need to pretend life is a ‘bowl of cherries’ if it isn’t, but we do need to find some way to have hope for a better future. One of the best ways to do this is by reframing our thinking, and to let go of trying to control things that we really can’t control.

Here’s how this can work:

Negative thought: My child is so defiant. This will lead to a terrible future for them and me!

Reframed thought: My child won’t be pushed around by others in this world. They will stand-up for themselves. They have such a bright future!

Negative thought: I have told them not to do that 100 times. Why are they still doing it? They are purposely pushing my buttons!

Reframed though: My child has perseverance! They stick with a task that’s meaningful to them.

Negative thought: My child is so loud. This is embarrassing.

Reframed thought: My child is confident and has a commanding voice that won’t be ignored. A powerful voice is an invaluable tool for a leader!

Negative thought: My child won’t finish their food. This is so wasteful.

Reframed thought: My child stops eating when they are full. If only we could all do that! They are in touch with their bodily needs. (Or, “I guess I the next meal is already made, that makes my life easier!”)

Another way to cultivate positivity and hope is to learn to give and receive compliments. Look for things other people do well and give them a compliment. Look for things you’ve done well, and make note of them. When someone gives you a compliment, don’t deflect it. Just say thank you.

Focus on things that make you feel positive and limit things that bring you down. If looking at everyone’s perfect life on Facebook makes you feel inadequate, don’t look at it. If the news makes you hopeless about the future, don’t pay so much attention to it.

Find ways to resolve feelings of guilt. Some trauma survivors develop a habit of feeling guilty. We may have blamed ourselves for what happened. This may have become a pattern. Are you blaming yourself for something that you can’t control?

One day I heard someone mention that she had recently realized she wasn’t responsible for solving world hunger and it was very freeing. At first, I thought, that’s ridiculous. Of course you aren’t personally responsible for ridding the world of hunger. Why would you have ever thought that?

Then I looked at some of the guilt I was carrying. We’re often inundated with worthy causes to support. I was feeling bad about my failure to contribute money or time to multiple causes, contributing to global warming, and patronizing businesses with unethical practices. When I started to consider all the things I felt guilty about, I realized the list of things I felt responsible for was absurd. Releasing yourself from an inflated sense of responsibility will help you let go of negativity and cultivate positivity.

Learn to Tame Your Triggers

If you’d like to work with a supportive community to put these ideas into practice, I hope you’ll consider joining the Taming Your Triggers Workshop. In this workshop, you’ll learn:

• What is a trigger, and how to identify yours;
• Where triggers come from – examining previously experienced trauma, as well as the stresses of daily life;
• How to stop feeling triggered in the first place, and respond more effectively on the fewer occasions when you are still triggered;
• How to recognize when you’re in a frame of mind that makes you susceptible to being triggered, and take specific steps to make yourself more trigger-proof;
• How to help your child WANT to cooperate with you, so you don’t have to lose your cool.

The workshop takes place over a period of ten weeks. You’ll get:

• A concise weekly email explaining a new content and offering some homework to practice
• Access to our private, not-on-Facebook community where your interactions with other parents and caregivers on the same journey will accelerate your own learning and progress
• The option to be matched with an AccountaBuddy to hold you (gently!) accountable to complete the content, where you will likely also form a deeply supportive relationship
• Group coaching calls with me (available for an additional fee).

By the end of the workshop, you will:

• Understand why your child’s behavior leaves you so frustrated and angry (hint: it isn’t really about your child!);
• Feel triggered less often;
• Know what to do on those occasions when you are still triggered, and how to use them as a way to deepen your relationship with your child;
• Use these interactions with your child to model problem-solving skills that your child can use throughout their lives.

Click the banner to learn more.

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Key Takeaways

1. Children have meltdowns over small things because they process accumulated stress, making minor incidents trigger big emotional reactions.
2. What’s the difference between suppressing emotions and reappraising? Suppression hides feelings while reappraisal acknowledges and manages them.
3. Parents say “you’re ok” when children cry because adults feel uncomfortable with crying and want to stop pain, often repeating patterns from childhood.
4. How to respond when your child cries: pause-breathe-empathize instead of dismissing feelings with “you’re ok” or “stop crying.”
5. Benefits of emotional regulation: better physical health, stronger social relationships, and improved academic performance.
6. How empathy helps children develop emotion regulation: validating feelings teaches them emotions are normal and manageable.

My daughter was having a meltdown this afternoon when I picked her up from preschool. A friend had ‘taken’ a creation she had made – a plastic bottle and a tube of cardboard, and it had broken. The friend fixed the toy and gave it back to us, but the crying didn’t stop. I leaned on the car, holding her, for a good ten minutes until she said she was ready to go home.

As she climbed into her seat she started crying again, and was still crying as I pulled out of the lot. My daughter has a special friend at school (let’s call him Louis). She said: “I just want Louis! I feel like I’m never going to see him again!”

Even though I knew she was going to see him at school the next day, I didn’t try to make her feel better. I didn’t say “You’ll be fine,” or “You’ll see him tomorrow!”, I just empathized: “Oh, that sounds really hard! You love to play with him and you really miss him, huh?” 

She wailed, “Yeah!” and cried even harder. Had I failed in my bid to comfort her? Should I stop on the way home and get her an ice cream cone? I know that’s not a good idea, but it’s tempting sometimes. 

When my child is upset, I start to wonder if I’m really doing what’s right. After all, if I’m doing things the right way, shouldn’t my child be able to regulate her emotions? How can she be so devastated by something so insignificant?

A few minutes later, she suddenly told me she saw some holiday lights: the tears were over and she started eating her apple.

Now that everyone is calm, I can reflect on the event with a clear mind. While sometimes it can be frustrating when our child seems to overreact, I managed to stay calm. I didn’t try to control her emotions with threats or bribery; I was able to empathize.  

But sometimes I do wonder: how did some of the other parents see me when I was holding my daughter in the parking lot?  Did they see a loving mother, or did they see a mother ‘spoiling’ her child by allowing her to ‘indulge in self-pity?’

Were they wondering why – since I’m supposed to know how to do this parenting thing – my five-year-old is still having meltdowns over a plastic bottle and a cardboard tube?  And sometimes, self-doubt begins to creep in. 

Then I remember: although it feels like I’ve been ‘doing the right thing’ for a long time, I know my child is still very young. I also know that doing ‘the right thing’ as a parent doesn’t make my child immune from sadness. Just because they cry more when we’re physically, mentally, and emotionally present with them doesn’t mean we’ve failed to help them. In fact, it means the opposite.

Healthy (and not healthy) ways to manage stress

We might think that the things that stress us out are much bigger and more important than a bottle and a cardboard tube coming apart. But to our children, these kinds of events ARE a big deal.  And it’s in learning to respond to stress about their creations breaking that they learn how to respond to the ‘big’ stressors of adulthood.  

So how do we adults handle stress?  Typically, we respond in one of two ways: we either suppress or reappraise our feelings. 

When we suppress our feelings – as we teach children to do when we tell them ‘you’re ok’ – we’re stuffing our feelings down.  We’re experiencing a negative emotion and deciding that it’s too difficult or scary for us, so we deny that we’re experiencing it.

Sharing intimate feelings is a critical component of adult relationships. When we suppress emotions, we may get to a point where we can no longer tell what we’re feeling. This makes it very difficult to have authentic relationships with others.

When we reappraise, we manage stress in a healthy way. To reappraise a situation, we consciously view it in a way that is less stressful. We aren’t ignoring our emotions – in fact, we’re acknowledging them. Then we reinterpret the situation and choose how to respond (rather than feeling like our response is determined by our emotions).

We can help our children develop emotion regulation by treating them with empathy.

And how do we feel when someone treats us with empathy?  When they show us through their words or actions that they truly understand our experience?  For a short time, it often causes us to feel the emotion even more deeply. We cry harder – because it feels amazing to be so fully understood. The same is the case for children.

Why do parents tell children ‘you’re ok’ when they are crying?

It’s common to hear parents telling their children, ‘You’re okay.’ after a fall or disappointment.

Children crying can make adults feel uncomfortable.

We’re accustomed to responding to our child’s tears by finding out what’s wrong and solving the problem. When our children are babies, crying is their only way to communicate. It’s essential for caregivers to respond. When the baby’s problem is solved—they’re fed, they’re safe, their pain stopped—they stop crying, and we know we’ve done our job. (And on the occasions when we can’t figure it out we worry that we’re failing.)  We’re wired to want to stop our children from crying. 

As our children get a bit older, we still want to protect them. It’s painful to see your child in pain. We instinctively want to make the pain stop, and since crying is an indicator of pain it needs to stop too.

Unfortunately, many parents grew up in houses where emotions weren’t allowed. Many parents grew up hearing messages like, “shut up,” “stop being silly,” or “big boys don’t cry.” We were trained to see crying as shameful; something to be hidden; as an emotional expression that could earn us “something to really cry about.”

Especially if we were socialized female, we may have grown up thinking it was our job to keep everyone else happy. A crying child provides obvious evidence that everyone is not happy.

For many parents, the automatic response – as we are being triggered and suppressing our own feelings – is to tell a child, ‘stop crying,’ ‘calm down,’ or ‘you’re ok.’

Unfortunately, it turns out that this approach didn’t help us to experience and regulate our emotions – that’s why we feel triggered by our children’s behavior. It won’t help our children either.

We might be able to get them to stop crying, but this isn’t real emotion regulation. The child has learned is how to suppress their feelings and put on a happy face.

Gentle parenting in practice

When trying to imagine what is the appropriate way to respond to my child, I often try to think about how I would respond to an adult in a similar situation.

So imagine you are on a bike ride with a friend. They take a corner too fast and fall. They scream and cry. It looks and sounds a bit different than if a child fell and got hurt, but they are definitely upset. 

The first thing most of us would do is go over to them and see if they are OK. We’d ask: “Where are you hurt?” If medical attention was obviously needed, we’d act. Otherwise, we’d give them a minute to figure out how badly they were hurt. We’d try to understand what happened: “It seemed like you turned a bit hard into the corner and the wheel slipped out from under you?”  If our friend doesn’t seem physically injured but is still obviously upset, we might say “That must have been really scary!” and if our friend really had been scared, they might even cry a bit harder when we say it.

But I can’t imagine anyone telling an adult friend in this situation: “Oh, you’re OK!  Look, it’s barely even a scrape! There’s nothing to cry about!” 

We also wouldn’t leave our friend behind or ignore their pain while they figured it out on their own (as we might think about doing after our child falls for what seems like the fiftieth time today). 

We would be present with our friend. We’d offer assistance. If we didn’t know what to do, we’d ask if there was something we could do. We’d express empathy. 

Our children are no different. They need our empathy to develop their own emotion regulation skills.

How will emotion regulation help our children?

Emotion regulation skills help children in three critical ways. 

First, emotional regulation makes children physically and mentally healthier. Chronic stress leads to physical problems that show up decades after the original stressor, like:

• High blood pressure
• Alcohol and illicit substance use
• Mental health challenges like depression
• Hormonal imbalances
• Weakened immune system
• Changes in brain development

Second, children who can regulate their emotions have better social relationships with peers.  It’s easier to like peers who can understand what their friends are thinking and deescalate conflicts.

Third, the ability to regulate emotions at a young age predicts later academic success – if only because it is associated with the ability to sit still in class and pay attention to the teacher.

How can we support our children in learning emotion regulation?

It may seem like children are ‘overreacting’ to slight injuries, and they need to learn to determine the seriousness of an issue rather than making everything a crisis. And a cracker breaking is not a crisis.  Yes, they do need to learn this skill! Children react strongly to issues that aren’t particularly serious in an adult’s mind—this is normal and expected. 

Try to put yourself in your child’s shoes for a few minutes.  You’re small and young and people older and bigger than you spend a lot of time telling you where to go, what to do, and how to do it.  Maybe you have a new sibling and suddenly you have to wait for everything all the time.  Maybe you’re in a new childcare setting, or with a new teacher, or you’re having trouble with a friend in your class, and things seem really hard.  Perhaps a sibling is poking at you all morning, and Mom said ‘no’ when you asked for more candy, AND THEN THE CRACKER BROKE!  

When our child cries over a broken cracker, it isn’t really about a broken cracker – it’s probably about all the other things they’ve struggled with that day.

Emotion regulation develops with age. Parents can support this process, over time. 

There are three primary ways children learn about emotional regulation:

• Direct teaching – when we tell them, ‘you’re ok!’ (or, conversely: ‘Wow, it looked like you were scared when you went down the slide so fast.  Would you like to come and sit with me for a minute?’)
• Parental modeling –how do you react to upsetting situations?  Do you swear at bad drivers – or wonder aloud if they’re from out of town?  Are you quick to anger – and slow to apologize?
• The emotional climate of the family – how do family members get along with the child and how do they get along with each other?

We can use each of these factors to help our children learn how to regulate their emotions with our support rather than our judgment. When we validate our children’s feelings, they learn: my feelings make sense. I’m OK. I’m lovable. That’s a message many of us desperately needed to receive when we were young. Because nobody told us our experience is valid, we struggle with our own emotion regulation today.

How mindful parenting helps children develop emotional regulation

The way to help children learn emotion regulation is to practice mindfulness in our parenting. When we are mindful, we can stop our automatic response and observe without automatically reacting or judging. When we respond to a meltdown with acceptance and compassion, we are working toward the long-term goals of supporting our child’s healthy development – and having a strong relationship with them. 

When our children stop crying on command, they’re learning to stifle, or suppress, their emotions. They’re learning that pleasing others is more important than honoring their own feelings. They’re learning to ignore their feelings, when what we want our child to learn is how to recognize and manage their feelings. Telling them they are OK – when they clearly are not OK at all – sends the opposite message.

That leaves the question, what should we do when our children are crying?

Four steps to take when your child starts crying

Next time your child is upset, try to avoid saying, “You’re OK.” Instead, try these steps: 

First, pause and watch (it might not feel like you’re doing anything, but this is really important!). The pause will give you time to check your own emotions and allow time for your child to react on their own terms – they may get right back up and return to play.

Second, set an intention. While you pause, take a breath to center yourself. Check in with your own feelings. Remind yourself not to say, ‘You’re OK.’

Third, take action. Go over to your child. Assess what your child needs. Sit with your child and demonstrate empathy. While you sit with your child, you can try to breathe deeply and audibly. This will help you stay calm, and your child is likely to notice your breathing (consciously or unconsciously) and imitate it without prompting. 

Instead of, “You’re OK,” try saying something that shows respect for the pain your child is feeling. You can (slowly and calmly; without making it seem like an interrogation) say whichever of the following feels most natural: “That’s a big scrape. Does it hurt?  Would you like a hug? Should we go sit on the bench for a while? Is there something I can do to help you feel better?” 

When your child seems ready, describe what you saw happened, “It looked like you tripped on that crack in the sidewalk.” 

Fourth, move on. After the crying subsides, decide what to do next. Your child may have an idea, but if not, offer some options. Ask if they are ready to play again or if they want to take a break. 

Gentle parenting is a long game. It doesn’t mean our children won’t have meltdowns – at home, at school, at the park, or at the grocery store (ugh – those are so hard, right?). 

Sometimes it might seem like our methods aren’t ‘working’ to support our kids in developing skills like emotion regulation.

We’re working with the idea that being a good parent means our kids won’t always be ‘well-behaved’ as our own parents would have defined it. 

We can try to stop thinking that a crying child means we’re messing up, and that we have to make the crying stop.  

We can have confidence that our child’s crying is a sign we’re doing this parenting thing right.

Frequently Asked Questions

1. What’s the problem with telling kids to stop crying? 

When we tell children to “stop crying” or say, “You’re OK,” we unintentionally teach them to suppress their emotions rather than process them. Emotional suppression can lead to difficulty recognizing and regulating emotions later in life, making it harder to form healthy relationships and manage stress. Instead of helping children build resilience, this response may make them feel their emotions are wrong or unimportant​.

2.  How can parents help kids develop emotional regulation?

Parents can foster emotional regulation by modeling calm responses, validating their child’s feelings, and creating a supportive environment. Acknowledging emotions instead of dismissing them helps children feel understood. Teaching reappraisal also builds emotional resilience. A child who feels heard and supported learns that emotions are normal and manageable, rather than something to be ignored or hidden​.

3. What are the steps to respond mindfully to a crying child?

Pause (so you can respond based on your values, rather than reacting), set an intention for the interaction based on your values, offer empathy, and help them decide what to do next. These steps help children feel safe in expressing emotions while gradually building their ability to self-regulate.

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The songs, the sparkly celebration lights, families coming together – everything says that this is the most wonderful time of the year.

And most of the time, it is.

Although at other times it can be extremely stressful!

If you have young children, I’m sure you know what I mean: one minute everyone is getting along fine and the next minute your preschooler has refused to thank Grandma for a gift and there are meltdowns – on both sides! Truth be told, the most wonderful time of the year can also be the most stressful when we’re rushing from one place to the next while also trying to spend ‘quality time’ with family.

We want to enjoy the holidays – and with a bit of advanced preparation we might actually be able to do this, rather than just surviving them.

So what can we do to bring more ease to our holidays?

1. Carefully consider where you will stay

Be intentional and set boundaries around you and your child’s need for space and privacy. If your family house is not spacious enough or quiet enough, then you may need to ask yourself if it’s a better idea to simply book a room or a house nearby your family’s home and scheduling time for visits with them.

As much as you love your parents, chances are that you having access to your own space to retreat to can be the difference between a successful trip and one that leaves you tearing your hair out, giving you the peace of mind to really enjoy the time you do spend with family.

Of course there are financial considerations; staying with family may save some money. But if you end up more stressed and tired then having a place to escape to at the end of the day could save your sanity especially if your relationship with your family is less than perfect.

2. Plan in advance about where to set boundaries around family members

Sensitive topics: yup! They’ll happen, so let’s prepare for them.

Wouldn’t parenting be so much easier if everyone from your family would know what to say and how to interact with your child?

But what we can do in our less-than-ideal world is to think and plan in advance about how to handle sensitive situations and where to set boundaries around family members’ interactions with your child.

What will happen if Uncle Rob makes racist comments has he has in years past, and now your child is old enough to understand? How will you explain that Aunt Maria won’t be there this year because Grandma disapproves of her girlfriend? What will you do if Grandpa offers your child a soda with every meal because he drinks one with every meal?

How do you feel as you imagine these scenarios?

Probably not great, right?

Out of control?

Overwhelmed?

Ideally we would have conversations with our family members in advance of our visit and consider any boundaries that we will not allow to have crossed. We can get crystal clear inside our own mind what we are and aren’t willing to tolerate, which makes it easier to take action when the situation arises.

When we talk with family members about our concerns, approaching the conversation from a place of openness and curiosity rather than a desire to “make them see things our way” is more likely to be productive and less likely to raise hackles.  No one wants to feel put in the corner and criticized, even if you know that drinking a soda with every meal isn’t a healthy habit.  So we might start:

“Can you tell me more about…?”

“What would happen if…?

“[Child’s name] has been having a hard time lately when…”

These are some great conversation openers because they create a space of trust and sincerity around the subject without making anyone feel judged, criticized or rejected. The idea is to make sure that the focus is kept on the problem itself, not on the people involved in the conversation which invites both parties to work on potential solutions rather than jumping to protect themselves from attack.

We also don’t have to have deep and meaningful conversations with every member of our family.  If other family members have made life choices that we don’t agree with it’s OK to realize that different people serve different functions in our lives, and not every family relationship needs to be an intimate one.

3. Accept that your family members will have different relationships with your child than you do.

It’s OK if Grandma tells your child they are beautiful or strong, or doles out candy as rewards. Given that old habits die hard, there can be the case where they can’t handle your child’s meltdowns as you would prefer and may hear some of the old “Big boys don’t cry”, “Good little girls eat their dinner before they get dessert” and “Think of the poor children in (Wherever) and eat your food.”

You are the main guide in your child’s life and a few days of hearing these messages isn’t the end of the world.  Overall the benefits of a good relationship with Grandma probably outweigh hearing the ideas that don’t jibe with your approach – as long as the boundaries you defined earlier aren’t crossed.

Where family members struggle in interactions with your child, you can comfort your child while explaining “It’s OK for anyone to cry if they feel like it, even big boys,” or “[Child’s name] will finish dinner later, if they’d like to.”  You can briefly explain to your relative that children learn about their emotions by experiencing them, and that you aim to raise a child who has a healthy relationship with food even if that means they don’t clean their plate.

Many grandparents do love to treat their grandkids with cookies, candy and other sweet confections just as much as kids love to receive them. It may help letting them know that there are other ways in which they can show their love without necessarily handing out candies all the time. You can say something like: “There will be candies later as well, let’s play a game for now with Grandpa”.

4. Be ready to protect your child when necessary

Your child might need you to hold them when entering a crowded room and explain to the others that they will say ‘Hi’ when they’re ready, or offer Great Aunt Hilda a high five instead of a hug and kiss before leaving.

Some family members may insist or simply lean to hug or kiss your child – especially if it’s a cultural norm in your country.  Depending on what you’ve decided about whether this is a non-negotiable boundary for you, you can step up and reinforce your child’s boundaries and let them know that “right now you can give [Child] a high five, and maybe they will be ready for a kiss/hug later.”

You might hear: “But Grandma needs a hug for the holidays!” Maybe she does, but if you have decided that this is a non-negotiable boundary, then you can feel confident that not allowing Grandma’s needs take priority over the needs of your child is in line with your values, which makes it easier to stand your ground. If an adult says he/she “needs” a hug, then this also magnifies the reasons for your child to have permission to keep their boundaries. When children don’t feel they can say who can touch their body, they may be at greater risk for abuse.

By being there when your child needs you, as a protector of its boundaries and limits, you are setting them up for self-acceptance. And even more importantly, you are showing them that they can speak their truth and still be loved and accepted.

5. Try to keep the routines if possible (e.g. bath, books, bed) – but accept that disruptions to routines are part of what makes the holidays fun

While routines help you keep your child’s schedule organized, gets enough rest, and avoids overstimulation, during the holidays it can be very difficult to have the same schedule in place.  You know your child’s needs best, and you can use this knowledge to set up environments that work for your child.  If your child simply cannot function without bedtime at 7pm and a daily two-hour nap, then you’ll know that protecting these is a top priority.  Be proactive by communicating your scheduling needs by saying something like, “We are so excited to visit and spend time together! I know we have a lot of activities scheduled, so I just want to make sure that my child is able to nap daily from 12-2pm so you and [Child] can have lots of fun together!”

Other children are much more flexible and will be fine with a short car nap or an occasional late night and in these cases you can simply try to preserve as much as possible of the normal routine (bath, books, bed) at the different time to help your child settle.

Whatever your child’s needs, we do need to accept that holidays come with some scheduling disruptions – visits to family members’ houses; outings to the cinema or theater; meals that stretch late into the night.  I vividly recall the time when I was first allowed to stay up past midnight – aged around six – it was a highlight of that family vacation for both my sister and me, and is part of the magic of childhood.

6. Demonstrate compassion for your child – and yourself

It can be super-stressful to be around our families at the best of times, and during the holidays the pressure is on to try to be a big, happy family that gets along.

Keep this in mind and hang in there. Be gentle with yourself and your child during holidays.

Remember that your child depends on you not only to regulate their environment but also to help them regulate their moods. The early periods are an extremely sensitive time when children absorb all the stimulation and energy in their environments. Holidays are actually stressful for children – even at the same time as they are enjoying all the attention, candy, and gifts.  All of the sights and sounds and crowds during the holidays can be a lot for kids to digest.  You might hear:

“Mommy, I want to go home.”

“I don’t like grandpa.”

“I don’t want to stay here anymore.”

These are some early signs that things may be too much for your little one, if your child has enough vocabulary to express this.  If not – or if they’re already so flooded they can’t talk with you, flailing on the floor might be the first warning you get.

In these moments, try to be flexible – if your child is over stimulated they might cry and not be able to use words to describe their feelings, seem tired or upset, throw themselves on the floor in tears or anger, refuse to do a particular activity…you know how it goes.  Even if there are plans or gathering you need to attend to, if things are not working for your child, it’s okay to give it up.  You might say:

“I seems like you’re having a hard time right now.  Should we go to a quiet room?”

“I think you’re trying to tell me you need a break. Shall we step away from this for a bit and go for a walk outside?”

“It looks like you might be feeling a bit overwhelmed.  Would a hug help?”

Most of the time, making it clear that your child is allowed to express their emotions makes them feel connected and safe again.

Your relatives might expect that if your approach to parenting is ‘working,’ then your empathy for your child will result in an end to the tantrum.  But if we think about a time when someone has deeply empathized with us, we might recall that experiencing that empathy can actually open the floodgates so we express more emotion, not less.  This doesn’t mean that respectful parenting ‘doesn’t work’ – in fact, it means the complete opposite.

And while we’re on the topic of compassion, don’t forget to save some for yourself.  You might not be a perfect parent in stressful moments either – you might snap at your child in a way that you wouldn’t do at home because you’re tired or hungry or overwhelmed.  Acknowledge that you are doing the best you can under the circumstances, forgive yourself for any mistakes you make, and try again tomorrow.

Holidays are a time of celebration and fun activities. There are so many wonderful opportunities during holidays when we can connect with other family members and pass on family traditions to our children. Not everything will go perfectly all the time, and if we can let go of the expectation that this will happen, we’ll have an easier time.

If we can find a good balance of preparing ourselves – and our family members – for successful interactions, along with a willingness to go with the flow while we’re there, we can set both us and our child up for success this holiday season.

Respectful Parenting and Supporting Your Child’s Learning Memberships

If you appreciated my approach to surviving the holidays with a research-backed and respectful point of view, then you would be a perfect fit for my Parenting Membership or my Supporting Your Child’s Learning Membership. Inside the memberships we provide Learning + Support + Community. We will hold your hand as your family transitions from a place of chaos and overwhelm to a home filled with harmony, confidence and cooperation.

• You’ll get a learning summary of the most up to date research on a variety of challenging topics in parenting and education, along with tools and methods to implement within your own family.
• You’ll also get support directly from myself and a team of trained leaders that use coaching to help you meet the goals you set for lasting change in your family.
• And you’ll be a part of a private, respectful community of like-minded parents with stories and solutions to share.

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Why is that?

Perhaps, we think, if we get our own stuff figured out an improved family life will follow. Or perhaps we don’t see family life as an area where we should set goals. Or maybe we just don’t know how to set goals for our family life?

All these thoughts are valid, but so is the research that supports goal setting. In fact, some psychologists think that the process of setting the goal and working toward it is just as important as achieving the aim.

Three reasons to set goals

The anthropological and psychological research on this topic suggests three main reasons to set family goals:

• Many of us are raising children away from our own families. As a result, we are missing the cultural and historical context that informed family life in past generations. Think: we are the Smiths, we are cobblers.  Alternatively, some of don’t agree with the messages our family or culture sends or discover that scientific evidence tells us these messages do not support raising our children in the way we want. Note: I have discovered such messages in every one of the almost 80+ podcast episodes I’ve recorded, including telling girls they’re pretty doesn’t support their body image, granting dessert in exchange for eating vegetables helps a child to learn how to eat a balanced diet, improving a child’s self-esteem will help to improve their life outcomes…

• Having a sense of direction in life is a key indicator of psychological and social well-being. According to the body of research, having a plan and working toward a goal are generally more important than actually reaching the goal. Family dynamics being what they are, you may find that the original goal isn’t achievable or doesn’t fit your family after all, but the act of goal setting is valuable progress in itself.

• Having parenting goals does impact parent’s behavior and thus children’s outcomes. One study found that parents who said they valued long-term academic goals talked more on academic topics with their children; another study of Central American parents found that mothers’ goals explained 29% of the variance in children’s scores on a measure of social cooperation and 18% of the variance in children’s scores on a measure of their ability to learn in school.

Convinced? Now what?

How to set family goals

• Have a conversation. Discuss your values with your partner (if you have one, or perhaps work with a friend if you don’t).  What kinds of qualities do each of you hope to imbue in your child?  What kind of adult do each of you hope they’ll grow up to be.

• Hold a family meeting (if appropriate for your family).  Ask your child(ren) to contribute ideas about the kinds of values that are important to your family (e.g., community service, kindness, the value you put on learning new things…).  Write them all down and work together to refine them. *Remember, there are not right answers, just what’s right for your family.

• Think about where and with whom your child spends their time.  Are they spending it in ways and with people that support these values and qualities?  For example, if you want your son to grow up being comfortable expressing all of his emotions but his caregiver tells him “boys don’t cry,” then you may not achieve your aim.  If community service is important but you don’t make the time to volunteer or include your child in charitable giving, your child is not likely to take on this value.  In what ways could you make adjustments to help you work toward your goals?

• Think about the ways you interact with your child related to your goals. Are your interactions aligned with your goals?  For example, if you would like to raise a child who is independent, but you step in and ‘help’ your child every time they struggle, your interactions may not support your child in achieving that goal.  How could you shift your interactions?

• Print out your goals and display them prominently. This will remind your family of what you mutually decided was important to you.

Don’t feel as though you need to get the goals 100% right and carve them in stone on the first go-around. Your priorities might change. You might refine your ideas and update some of the goals.  As long as you’re not making a 180 degree shift, the work you’ve done on the old goal still has value.

Conversation starter cards to uncover values and support cognitive development

One tool that you can use to uncover your family’s values is a set of conversation starter cards.

While you can purchase these in many places, the majority of these sets ask questions like “what is your favorite movie?,” a question with a single answer that makes it difficult to “strive for five” (five conversational turns, which supports your child’s language development through a high quality conversation).

I’ve developed a unique set of conversation starter cards based on the thousands of books and peer-reviewed articles that I’ve read to help you have exactly these kinds of meaningful conversations. They contain questions like “Is it ever right to tell a fib?” that both young children and adults can answer (and debate!), and that will both support and reveal your child’s cognitive and social development as they grow.

Click here to learn more about the cards.

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We’ve all been there.

Your preschooler wakes up in a foul mood (don’t we all, every once in a while?), and starts crying before she even gets out of bed.  Nothing you do can make it right: she doesn’t want the same thing she has for breakfast every morning; she can’t choose something she does want; she hits her brother; she collapses in a sobbing heap on the floor.

Or maybe your “witching hour” comes later in the day, after school or at bedtime: he doesn’t WANT to go in the bath.  He doesn’t want a bath with bubbles OR without bubbles.  He refuses to brush his teeth, with either bubblegum OR strawberry toothpaste.

Toddlers have tantrums, and to some extent we just need to be supportive and get through them because they don’t really have the mental skills or vocabulary to express what they need.  But by the time your child is about three, some new abilities start to open up that create enormous opportunities for you.  They are able to think about more than one way to do something, and their vocabularies are expanding so they can begin to express these new ideas.

They probably aren’t yet fully able to regulate their own emotions, which is why they still have these occasional tantrums.  But what if there was a way to use some of their new skills to avoid tantrums in the first place?

The good news: there is!

The bad news: this method does require you to go through one tantrum to figure it out.  But isn’t that a small price to pay?

The best news is that this method is most powerful for the types of tantrums that are related to issues you face repeatedly related to their ideas about how things should work in your house (like whether it’s OK to eat ice cream right before bed).  You may still get the ones that result from being over-tired or hungry/hangry, but you already know the fix for those ones…

Here’s your action plan:

1. Your child is having a tantrum about something. Maybe you said “no” to something they really want to do, and they’ve had a tantrum about this same issue at least once before.  If the limit was set for safety reasons, hold the line.  If the limit wasn’t set for safety reasons, come up with a way you can “give in” without sacrificing your original goal.  If your child wants ice cream right before bed, give them a little bit on a teaspoon.  If they just DO NOT want to get dressed for preschool, allow them to go to school in pajamas.  Just get through the current issue as best you can, allowing them to get “their way” to the extent reasonably possible.

  This likely goes against everything you’ve done as a parent: holding the line so your child knows they can’t walk all over you.  Don’t despair –    this method does NOT rely on your child walking all over you – in fact, it’s going to invite your child to WANT to cooperate with you.

2. When you reach a natural separation point (your child has to leave for school, or at bedtime, etc.) say “I’m so sorry we had a rough morning/evening. Let’s talk about it some more tonight/tomorrow, OK?”  Over time, this phrase is going to become a signal between you and your child that a brainstorming session is coming.

  It’s important that “let’s talk about it later” isn’t delivered in a threatening way – you’re not going to spend the day/night thinking about ways to punish your child.   Rather, it’s an invitation for what I’m about to describe.

3. Pick a time after preschool/the next day when you’re both calm, well-fed, and engaged with each other (perhaps doing a puzzle, or sitting together at the park).

 Say: “I’m sorry this morning was tough.  It was really hard for me, and it looked like it was hard for you as well.  [If necessary, add “I’m so sorry I had to…(insert action that you took that you now regret).]  Can you help me to understand what happened?”

Depending on your child’s age and cognitive/verbal abilities, you may need to provide more or less scaffolding in this process.  If your child is on the older side, they might be able to immediately explain what happened.  If they’re on the younger side, you might need to ask “It seemed like you just woke up not feeling great – did you get enough sleep?” or “It seemed like your brother did something to irritate you – is that right?”.  Keep probing until you feel like you’ve found the root cause of the issue.

4. Brainstorm ways to avoid having this happen again. Invite your child’s suggestions first.  Say “It would be really nice if we didn’t have to have mornings like that.  I feel terrible, and it makes me late for work, and it really doesn’t seem as though you enjoy it either.  Let’s think of some things we can do that could help us avoid going through this again.”  Again, scaffold as needed: if your child is older/you’ve done this before, ask: “Do you have any ideas?”  If your child is younger/this is your first time doing this, say “Let’s start with some of my ideas, and if you have ideas too then I’d like to hear them.”

Write ALL the ideas down!  It helps the child to see that you’re taking their ideas seriously.

Don’t throw out any ideas to start with.  If they suggest eating a mountain of ice cream for breakfast every day, write it down.  You’re not committing to it yet.

5. Think through (together!) which ideas will work for both of you. Ask your child if there are any ideas on the list that won’t work for them (you’ll need to read the list to them to remind them).  Cross those ideas out.  Cross out ideas that absolutely won’t work for you, explaining why each one won’t work for you.

6. Examine the ideas that are left. See whether any of them could really be workable if you made a slight tweak.  Come up with a plan that works – for both of you.  This is really the key here: this isn’t you making a plan and saying “do you agree?” in a tone that makes it clear there really is no other option.

7. The next time you see the first hint of a potential tantrum (or the conditions that lead to it) related to this issue, remind your child of the plan you made together, and put it into action.

Avoiding tantrums through skill development, not distraction

The key to this method is that it’s backed by science.  Self-Determination Theory is a theory about what motivates people to act.  Calling it a “theory” implies that we don’t really know much about it but that isn’t the case here – SDT has been studied for decades and is supported by many empirical studies.  The three components of SDT are connectedness, competence, and autonomy.

You connect when you close the immediate issue by saying “I’m so sorry we had a rough morning/evening” and by ensuring that you’re both in a good mood before broaching the issue again in a gentle, loving way.

You support your child’s competence by inviting them to bring their own ideas to the brainstorming session.  You’re saying “I know that together we can find a solution to this issue.”

You support your child’s autonomy by showing you value their ideas, by writing them down and by giving them just as much weight as your own ideas.  Over time, you may find that the kinds of ideas your child brings to these sessions are creative and fresh and solve the problem in a way that you would never have imagined by yourself.

Yes, you do have to get through a tantrum to use this method.  But I typically find that I can make it through any tantrum with grace as long as I know that it’s pretty likely to be the last one I see on this topic.  And since many children tend to be triggered by similar things over and over again, by addressing each of their triggers as they come up you may pretty soon find yourself mostly tantrum-free.  In the process you will have supported them in developing skills that they’ll be able to use with you, with other children, and for the rest of their lives.

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Oh my goodness; I feel your pain.

We went through this too when my daughter was about 15 months old, and it persisted for several weeks on and off before we finally figured it out.

I would say “OK, it’s time to brush your teeth!” and she’d say “NOOOOOO! I don’t wanna!” and collapse in a writhing heap on the floor.

The usual advice

The parenting experts tell us to offer choices, and there are lots of these available with toothbrushing:

“Would you like the pink toothbrush or the orange one?”

“Would you like the flashing toothbrush or the one that doesn’t flash?”

“Would you like the strawberry toothpaste or the bubblegum flavor?”

And when the choices don’t work, there are the games:

“Would you like to brush my teeth before I brush yours?”

“Can I look for the food you’ve eaten today in your mouth?”

“Can I look for wild animals in your mouth?”

“Should we brush Tiger’s teeth first?”

“Would you like to brush teeth in the bath?”

But sometimes it doesn’t matter how many choices you give and games you play the child still says “no.”  Also, we really have no idea why the child won’t cooperate, which isn’t helping us at all.

And I find tooth brushing an especially hard place to set a limit because, really, their teeth are not going to fall out if they don’t brush this one time. But if they get into a habit of not brushing, you could find yourself in real trouble.

So where do you go from here? Do we have to hold the child down and force the brush into their mouth?
Thankfully, no…

Psychology to the rescue!

There’s a psychological theory that can help us to understand what’s going on here: it’s called Self-Determination Theory. In short, SDT says that all people have a need to feel autonomous (having freedom to choose what we do), competent (having abilities and skills) and connected (having warm and loving relationship with someone).

The more of these needs are satisfied, the more likely a person is to work with us to achieve our mutual goals.

So what do we do to overcome the tooth brushing problem?

1 Next time your child refuses to brush their teeth, do what parenting coach Robin Einzig recommends: Drop the Rope. You can’t have a power struggle if only one of you is pulling on the rope. (Don’t worry; we’re not going to do this every time we need to brush teeth!)

2. Say “I can see this is hard for you, and it’s tough for me too. I don’t want to force you to brush your teeth. Let’s not brush teeth tonight; let’s get ready for bed, and we’ll talk about it tomorrow.” Chances are your child will be stoked to get out of tooth brushing for the night, and will willingly cooperate with the rest of the bedtime routine.

3. Continue with the normal bedtime routine: stories/songs/kisses. There is no punishment for not brushing teeth. You are showing your child that you love them unconditionally, even when you disagree (and are thus developing your connectedness).

4. The next day, look for a time when you’re both in a good mood, relaxed, well-fed, and not in a hurry to go anywhere. Sit close to your child – perhaps even next to each other or them on your lap so you can hug while you talk.’

Say “Hey, can we talk about tooth brushing?” (Wait for acknowledgement or assent of some kind.) “It’s really important to me that we brush your teeth twice a day, because if we don’t do that, your teeth could get holes in them and they might actually fall out. Brushing helps to keep them clean so those things don’t happen. I notice you’ve been finding tooth brushing really hard lately, and it’s hard for me when you find it hard. Can you help me to understand why you don’t want to brush your teeth?”

5. Listen to the response, even if you think what they are saying is ridiculous. Things we think are ridiculous are often really important to children.

6. Say: “I wonder if we can think of some ways that we can make tooth brushing acceptable for you?”

By asking this question you are saying that you trust your child’s competence at generating some ideas for ways to solve a problem and that your child’s autonomy is important to you – you truly want their help in solving this problem.

Boom! We covered all three SDT components.

7. Brainstorm.
a. If your child is on the younger side (perhaps ~2 years old), you’ll likely need to provide the ideas for things that could make tooth brushing acceptable. Use what you heard when your child told you why they don’t like brushing their teeth to spark ideas. Think outside the box – no ideas is a bad one. Consider writing the ideas down on a piece of paper – this helps your child to see that you treat their ideas seriously.

b. If you start doing this kind of thing when your child is around two, by the time they’re three or a bit older, they will be able to start generating ideas alongside you. Write them all down.

8. Cross out any of your child’s ideas that won’t work for you, and explain why as you do this. Read your ideas to your child, and ask them which ones won’t work for them. Cross these out.

9. Select from or adjust the remaining options as needed to arrive at a mutually agreeable solution.

What you did here was not only solve an immediate problem of tooth brushing, but you simultaneously scaffolded your child’s ability to generate solutions to problems that will serve them incredibly well in many aspects of their life.

In our house, the phrase “Let’s talk about this later” (said in a warm, not threatening tone) has become an indicator that the respective parties should start thinking of solutions to a problem. We recently had a problem because my daughter (age 3 ¾) wanted to wear pajamas to school.

Finally I said “OK, you can wear pajamas to school today but let’s talk about it later.”

On our way home from school that night I said “Let’s not forget that we need to talk about wearing pajamas to school.”

She said “I been thinking about it ALL DAY,” and proceeded to give me some options (one of which was acceptable to me; no further negotiation required).
And as for the tooth brushing: we made it through our struggle.

What was the incredible solution that made tooth brushing acceptable to her?

Brushing in the living room. A solution I would never have imagined without her input.

Toothbrushing struggles solved, instantly.

Give a try, and let me know how it goes!

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