1. Children ages 3-5 enter the “Why Phase” when they ask endless questions to understand how the world works.
2. Quick Google (or AI) answers teach fact-collecting instead of thinking skills and can actually shut down your child’s curiosity
3. Try responding with: “Hmmm…what do you think?” first to engage their reasoning before providing answers and show you value their thinking.
4. Turn questions into mini investigations by exploring together rather than jumping straight to final answers – or trying to teach a lesson.
5. Let children lead their own learning without forcing teachable moments.
6. Their questions build critical thinking, problem-solving, and communication skills that matter more for future success than content knowledge.
7. The questioning phase develops lifelong learning foundations and intrinsic motivation – it’s something to celebrate!

You’re barely three sips into your coffee when it starts. “Mama, why is the sky so blue today?” Before you can even formulate an answer, the next one comes: “Why are the birds singing so loud? Why can’t I go swimming right now? Why do we have to eat breakfast when it’s already so hot outside? Why does the sun make everything bright?”

By the time you’ve managed to pour cereal into a bowl you’ve fielded seventeen questions, and you still have the looooong summer day stretching ahead of you.

Nearly every parent of a young child has experienced this at some point – that mix of pride in your child’s curiosity and complete overwhelm at the sheer volume of questions coming your way. (The other parents have kids who rarely ask questions, and we have ideas for them, too!)

Summer seems to make it even more intense, with longer days, less structure, and more time for those little minds to wonder about everything they see, hear, and experience.

Here’s what I want you to know: your child isn’t trying to drive you up the wall (even though it might feel that way). They’re not just asking random questions. They’re actively trying to connect the dots in their world.

The challenge isn’t that your child asks too many questions. The challenge is that most of us were never taught how to handle this phase of development in a way that supports both our child’s growth and our own sanity.

The Science Behind All Those Questions

If your child is between the ages of three and five, you’re in what researchers call the “Why Phase“.  While children ask who, what, where, why questions throughout their development, the Why Phase specifically refers to when ‘why’ questions dominate their curiosity. 

Around this age, children begin to understand something pretty remarkable: that people have knowledge, and that this knowledge can be accessed simply by asking questions. Think about how sophisticated that realization actually is. Your child has figured out that you know things they don’t know, and that they can get access to that information just by putting their thoughts into words.

This surge in curiosity happens alongside huge leaps in brain development. Language is exploding – not just vocabulary, but the ability to use words to explore ideas. Logical reasoning is emerging, helping them connect cause and effect. And they’re starting to develop what psychologists call “theory of mind“, basically, they’re figuring out that other people have different thoughts and knowledge than they do.

What’s fascinating is that this learning isn’t happening just in their brains. Research shows that we think with our whole bodies through movement, through our hands as we explore objects, through our environment. When your child picks up a stick and examines it while asking about trees, or jumps up and down while wondering about gravity, they’re not getting distracted from learning. They’re actually enhancing it by engaging their extended mind.

I like to think of it this way: your child has turned into a tiny researcher. They notice something that doesn’t fit with what they already understand, they form a guess about how it might work, and then they test that guess by asking you about it. When you give them an answer, they’re not just filing it away. They’re connecting it to other things they know, seeing where it fits in the bigger picture.

The Hidden Problem: Why “Just Answering” Doesn’t Actually Help

When your child asks “Why is the grass green?” your instinct is probably to pull out your phone and ask Google, Alexa, or ChatGPT. Quick answer delivered: “Because of something called chlorophyll.” Question answered, right? You can move on with your day.

But here’s what research shows us: jumping straight to answers can actually do more harm than good. It teaches children that learning is about collecting facts, not exploring ideas. They learn that questions have quick, simple answers that come from others, not from their own thinking.

Imagine giving a quick Google answer about chlorophyll. Your child says, “Oh, okay,” and moves on. But did they actually learn anything meaningful? Probably not. They didn’t explore what chlorophyll does, why plants differ in color, or how it connects to the sun. What they learned is that questions get answered by devices – and they’ll likely forget what you told them in an hour anyway.

This creates answer-seeking behavior instead of thinking behavior. Kids start to believe every question has one “right” answer out there and their job is to find it fast. Curiosity becomes a finish line, not a doorway to discovery.

Here’s the thing that might surprise you: research shows that by the end of first grade, most kids stop asking the rich, wondering questions they asked as toddlers. Instead, they only ask “Do I have to learn this?” and “How do I do this thing you’re telling me to do?” We’ve accidentally trained them out of their inherent curiosity.

But what if we approached their questions differently? What if, instead of jumping in with an answer, we paused to wonder together? This simple shift changes everything. It often means re-examining our own relationship with learning.

3 More Effective Ways to Respond to Your Child’s Constant Questions

Supporting your child’s endless curiosity doesn’t mean you need to be an expert or create elaborate Pinterest-worthy activities. In fact, the most powerful approaches are surprisingly simple and they work better than traditional ‘teaching’ methods.

Click here to download the 3 Better Ways to Respond to Your Child’s Constant Questions

Responding to your child’s questions #1: Start With “What Do You Think?”

The next time your child asks, “Why is the sky blue?”, pause. Look up at the sky together. And then say something like: “Huh. That’s a great question. What do you think?”

This simple shift is more than just a way to buy yourself a second to think. It tells your child:

• I take your question seriously.
• I believe you’re capable of thinking about this.
• We can explore this together.

This gives your child time to engage their own thinking before being handed an answer. It strengthens their ability to reason, hypothesize, and make connections.

When we respond immediately with facts (or a quick “Alexa, why is the sky blue?”), we accidentally send the message that learning comes from outside themselves and not from within. Over time, that can squash the very curiosity we want to nurture.

Responding to your child’s questions #2: Turn their questions into mini learning investigations

Rather than seeing each question as something to answer and move on from, think of them as launching points for exploration. This doesn’t mean turning everything into a formal lesson. It means following their curiosity one step further.

Here’s what this might look like in real life: When your child asks about why fish live in water, you might say: “I wonder about that too. Do we have any books about fish? Should we see what we can find out?” Or: “What do you think would happen if a fish tried to live on land like we do?”

The key is taking just one step forward, not jumping to the final answer. This is what’s called scaffolding. You provide just enough support to keep your child engaged and learning, but not so much that you take over their thinking process. 

Maybe you look at a book together. Maybe you watch a short video. Maybe you have a conversation while you’re doing dishes. The goal isn’t to become experts on fish biology.  It’s to show your child that their questions are worth exploring.

Responding to your child’s questions #3: Let kids lead without needing to teach a lesson

This might be the hardest shift for many of us, especially if we went to school ourselves and learned that adults ask questions and children provide answers. But when we let children lead their own learning, they stay engaged much longer and go much deeper than we ever could have pushed them.

Instead of becoming the “sage on the stage,” try being the “guide on the side“. Your job isn’t to lecture about everything you know on the topic (which often makes kids’ eyes glaze over). Your job is more like being a helpful travel companion – someone who helps them find resources, asks good questions, and celebrates their discoveries.

This might mean biting your tongue when they’re building something and you can see it won’t work the way they think it will. It might mean letting them spend way more time on something than you think is “productive.” It might mean following their interests into territory you know nothing about, which, by the way, is perfectly fine.

This kind of trust in your child and in yourself doesn’t always come easily, especially if you went through traditional schooling yourself. Many parents find themselves feeling like their job is to rush and provide answers or resources the moment their child shows interest in something. But learning to step back and trust both your child’s own learning process (and your own instincts as a parent) is often the most powerful thing you can do.

Whether your child asks three questions a day or thirty. Whether they’re obsessed with bugs or want to know why people have different skin colors.

The method stays the same:

• Pause.
• Wonder together.
• Take one step forward.
• And let them lead the way.

Why This Phase Matters More Than You Think

I get it. Sometimes it can feel like you’re trapped in an endless loop of questions from your child.

But here’s what I want you to know: those questions aren’t just something to endure until your child grows out of this phase. They’re actually building the exact skills your child will need to thrive in the future.

When your child seems compelled to ask all these questions throughout the day, they’re not just being curious. They’re developing critical thinking skills.

When I looked into what skills will actually matter for our children’s success, I found something surprising. A McKinsey report identified 56 critical skills for the future job market. Want to guess how many had to do with coding or technology?

Eleven. Just eleven out of 56.

The other 45 skills? Things like critical thinking, communication, self-awareness, and problem-solving. In other words, exactly what your questioning child is practicing right now. While schools focus heavily on content knowledge, these other skills are primarily developed through the kinds of interactions you’re having at home every single day.

The Hidden Skills Behind Your Child’s Endless Questions

When your child fires off what seems like their millionth question of the day, “Why do dogs wag their tails?” followed immediately by “What makes the sky blue?”, it’s easy to feel like they’re just trying to drive you to distraction. But something much more important is happening.

Your child isn’t just hunting for random facts. They are developing the thinking skills they will need throughout their lives. Every time they notice something and wonder about it, they’re strengthening their ability to see patterns and make connections. When they ask why water freezes or how birds know where to fly, they’re doing the same work scientists do, trying to make sense of the world around them.

And when they keep asking follow-up questions? That’s not them being difficult. That’s their way of exploring ideas from different angles and learning to think flexibly. 

Perhaps most importantly, when your child follows their own curiosity, they’re learning to set their own learning goals and stick with them, even when understanding gets challenging. These are the foundations of intrinsic motivation that will serve them far better than any external reward system ever could.

The questioning phase isn’t something to survive. It’s something to celebrate – because it’s building the very foundation of lifelong learning.

What to say when kids keep asking why?

Not all ‘why’ questions are equal…sometimes your child will just ask ‘why’ endlessly, even when it doesn’t seem like they’re trying to understand:

Child: Why are we going to Grandma’s house?

You: Because we haven’t seen her since last week.

Child: Why?

You: Because we’ve been busy.

Child: Why?

Your child has discovered a new tool for connecting with you!  Very often, these kinds of questions are a way to prolong the conversation, rather than get information.  If you sense this is happening, try getting down on their level and asking: “It seems like you’d really like to connect with me right now.  Is there something you’d like to do together?” or “Would you like a hug?” (depending on how much time you have available).  

In the Learning Membership we call this ‘looking for the question underneath the question: this child isn’t really asking about Grandma; they’re asking for time with you.

If Your Child Isn’t Asking Questions

If your child isn’t asking many questions, that doesn’t mean they’re not curious. They might just be showing their curiosity differently. 

Some children are more hands-on learners who prefer to explore through doing rather than asking. Others might be processing quietly, taking in information before they’re ready to wonder out loud. 

The key is to become a detective of your child’s interests by watching what they gravitate toward during free time. What do they choose to do when you’re not directing their activities? What lights them up when you suggest it? 

Parent Anne discovered this when she sat with a notebook and observed her son’s LEGO play, realizing there was “SO MUCH going on”. He was working through ideas about solar power and movement that she’d never noticed before. 

Try sitting quietly and watching your child for just five or ten minutes during their play. Notice what captures their attention, what they return to again and again, what makes them lean in with focus. 

Then you can gently offer related experiences: “I noticed you’ve been really interested in how water moves. Want to see what happens when we pour it through different things?” This approach meets children where their curiosity already lives, rather than trying to manufacture interest in topics that don’t resonate with them.

Final Thoughts

When your kids ask you question after question, try to keep your eye on how amazing this stage of your child’s development is! Their questions are a window into how your child’s mind works. 

You don’t need to become Google/Alexa/ChatGPT in human form. You don’t need to craft perfect educational moments with Pinterest-worthy setups. What your child really needs is to know that their questions matter to you and that their curiosity is seen and valued.

You also don’t have to have the answers to every question they ask. Your job is to show your child that their questions matter, and that thinking together is more valuable than knowing everything.

Instead of feeling drained by constant questions, you start noticing the incredible mind at work behind them. Your child learns that their curiosity matters. They develop confidence in their own thinking. And you get to rediscover the world through their eyes – which, honestly, is pretty magical.

Those questions aren’t interrupting your day. They’re showing you exactly how to connect with the remarkable little person you’re raising.

Transform those daily questions into meaningful learning moments

If you want more support turning your child’s everyday curiosity into meaningful learning without pressure, lectures, or constant Googling, my ‘You Are Your Child’s Best Teacher masterclass’ can help.  It gives you practical tools to turn everyday curiosity into rich learning and connection without lectures, pressure, or overwhelm.

You’ll discover how to:

• Support your child’s intrinsic curiosity (without becoming their personal Googler)
• Turn everyday moments into rich learning opportunities
• Help your child develop confidence as an independent thinker and learner
• Navigate challenging phases (like constant questioning) with understanding instead of exhaustion
• Build your relationship while supporting their development

Click the banner to learn more and sign up.

Frequently Asked Questions About Kids’ Endless Questions

1. Why does my child constantly ask questions?

Your child isn’t trying to drive you crazy. They’re in the “Why Phase” (typically ages 3-5) when their brain is developing critical thinking skills. They’ve realized that other people have knowledge they can access by asking questions. This constant questioning shows they’re connecting dots in their world, developing language skills, and building the foundation for lifelong learning.

2. How to deal with kids asking why?

Instead of jumping straight to answers, pause and ask “What do you think?” first. This strengthens their reasoning abilities and shows you value their thinking. Turn their questions into mini investigations by saying “I wonder about that too” and exploring together. Let them lead the learning process rather than lecturing with facts.

3. At what stage of development does the child ask many questions?

The Why Phase typically occurs between ages 3-5 when children experience huge leaps in brain development. During this stage, language explodes, logical reasoning emerges, and they develop “theory of mind” – understanding that other people have different thoughts and knowledge. This is when “why” questions dominate their curiosity about the world around them.

4. What to say when kids keep asking why?

Try responses like “That’s a great question – what do you think?” or “I wonder about that too. Should we see what we can find out?” Take one step forward in exploration rather than jumping to final answers. This scaffolding approach provides just enough support to keep them engaged without taking over their thinking process.

5. Why is children’s curiosity valuable to learning?

Children’s questions build exactly the skills they’ll need for future success. Research shows 45 of 56 critical future job skills involve critical thinking, communication, and problem-solving – not just content knowledge. When kids ask questions, they’re developing pattern recognition, flexible thinking, and intrinsic motivation that serves them better than any external reward system.

6. How to help kids answer why questions?

Don’t rush to provide answers yourself. Instead, help them explore by asking follow-up questions, looking at books together, or having conversations during daily activities. Be a “guide on the side” rather than “sage on the stage.” Trust their learning process and follow their interests, even into territory you know nothing about.

References

Deci, E. L., & Ryan, R. M. (1985). Intrinsic motivation and self-determination in human behavior. https://doi.org/10.1007/978-1-4899-2271-7 

Dondi, M., Klier, J., Panier, F., & Schubert, J. (2021, June 25). Defining the skills citizens will need in the future world of work. McKinsey & Company. https://www.mckinsey.com/industries/public-sector/our-insights/defining-the-skills-citizens-will-need-in-the-future-world-of-work

Engel, S. (2011). Children’s need to know: Curiosity in schools. Harvard Educational Review, 81(4), 625–645. https://doi.org/10.17763/haer.81.4.h054131316473115 

Frazier, B. N., Gelman, S. A., & Wellman, H. M. (2009). Preschoolers’ search for explanatory information within adult-child conversation. Child development, 80(6), 1592–1611. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1467-8624.2009.01356.x

Gopnik, A. (2012). Scientific thinking in young children: Theoretical advances, empirical research,and policy implications. Science, 337(6102), 1623–1627. https://doi.org/10.1126/science.1223416

Kuhn, D. (2000). Metacognitive development. Current Directions in Psychological Science, 9(5), 178–181. https://doi.org/10.1111/1467-8721.00088 

Lumanlan, J. (2024). The skills your child will need in the age of AI. Your Parenting Mojo.

https://yourparentingmojo.com/captivate-podcast/ai/ 

Lumanlan, J. (2023, July 16). How to learn way beyond ‘doing well in school’. Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/captivate-podcast/beyondschool/ 

Lumanlan, J. (2022, September 11). Learning to trust your child – and yourself. Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/captivate-podcast/claire/ 

Lumanlan, J. (2021, September 5). The Extended Mind with Annie Murphy Paul. Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/captivate-podcast/extendedmind/ 

Lumanlan, J. (2020, December 17). Doing Self-Directed Education. Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/captivate-podcast/freepeople/ 

Lumanlan, J. (2016, September 26). How to “scaffold” children’s learning to help them succeed. Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/captivate-podcast/005-how-to-scaffold-childrens-learning/ 

Schulz, L. (2012). The origins of inquiry: Inductive inference and exploration in early childhood. Trends in Cognitive Sciences, 16(7), 382-389. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.tics.2012.06.004

Wang, X., Wang, C., Ye, P., & Tao, G. (2025). The role of intrinsic motivation in enhancing deep learning in early childhood education: Intrinsic motivation and deep learning in ECE. International Theory and Practice in Humanities and Social Sciences, 2(6), 274-290. https://doi.org/10.70693/itphss.v2i6.847

Wellman, H. M., Cross, D., & Watson, J. (2001). Meta-analysis of theory-of-mind development: the truth about false belief. Child development, 72(3), 655–684. https://doi.org/10.1111/1467-8624.00304 

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I didn’t really even have any words to fully explain it; I had half an idea that something wasn’t fully right but I was too focused on getting over it and moving on to really know that there was anything more that I should understand about this.

During a conversation with my friend, who was not someone I considered to be ‘emotional,’ he told me he felt like he’d been hit by a bus. He described the tightness he felt in his throat all the time, and the constriction in his ribs, and how he felt these were connected to the emotional loss he had just experienced. 

When my friend said he was experiencing physical issues as well (even though his exact experience was different from mine) – as a result of a psychological situation – I found it incredibly validating. 

I wasn’t making it up. 

My body ached, and I was feeling lost and vulnerable and wounded, and it WAS connected to the break-up. The exact same thing was happening to my friend. 

In a way, I hadn’t fully connected how I was feeling physically to the break-up.  And the part of me that was aware of it was embarrassed about letting it ‘get to me.’  After all, I consider myself to be a pretty rational person, and this relationship clearly wasn’t going anywhere so it was for the best that we ended it now.  

And yet…I still had this ever-present aching that I wouldn’t have even thought to try to understand in any greater depth – I didn’t even know I could understand it in any greater depth.  

It was like I didn’t even trust myself to identify my own physical sensations, and that these were trying to tell me something about my experience.

Is it all in your head?

There’s a persistent myth in our society that causes us to disconnect our bodies from our brains; we see them as two separate systems.  When our bodies are sick we go to our general practitioner. When our minds feel unwell we go to a psychiatrist. And since both of these doctors usually avoid discussing each other’s issues, we ourselves don’t see the connection between what’s happening in our bodies and our minds.

This issue is, of course, compounded by the stigma that says when physical ailments are connected to psychological factors, they are less valid than other ‘real’ ailments. We don’t even connect physical problems like heart disease and Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease to psychological challenges we might have faced decades before, even though the links between the two are well-understood by scientists and doctors. The implication is that if we are suffering physically because of something psychological, it’s our own fault. We aren’t tough enough.

We are supposed to be in control of our emotions. 

Of course, being ‘in control’ of our emotions looks a lot like pretending they don’t exist.

This belief encourages us to separate our minds from our bodies, and it ignores what centuries of wisdom and modern science prove: the mind and body are inextricably linked.

Yoga has more than 5,000 years of history. To the yogi, the fact that your mind can influence the functioning of your body is obvious. 

Thanks to a growing body of research, the medical profession is gradually realizing that “the causes, development, and outcomes of an illness are determined by the interaction of psychological, social, and cultural factors with biochemistry and physiology.” 

When I think about what science has proven about the long-term effects of childhood trauma on our health, I’m amazed that there was ever a time when the connection between our minds and our bodies was brought into question.  It is even possible to map the places in the body where we feel different emotions. 

Many of us were taught to apply logic to our feelings; to cognitively understand them so we can ‘fix’ them.  This can be helpful, but it ignores an entirely different avenue that’s available to us to process our emotions in a way that is sensational, emotional, and intuitive.

Continuing the body/brain divide: applying logic to emotions

In their book The Whole-Brain Child, Drs. Dan Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson talks about the problem of ‘dis-integration.’ When the different areas of our brain – like the logical reasoning and emotional areas – aren’t integrated, we aren’t able to think rationally about our problems. As parents, he says, we can learn some simple techniques to help our children’s brains integrate. When our children’s brains are integrated, they will be more able to manage their emotions.

Everything that we experience impacts the ‘wiring’ in our brain structure. Children’s brains develop rapidly, but it doesn’t stop when they reach adulthood. Your brain is still developing as well.

According to Siegel and Bryson, well-being is dependent on our ability to stay in a place of balance between chaos and rigidity. When we’re cut off in traffic, or when our child is pushed out of the way on the playground, it feels chaotic. The rules are being broken. Our world isn’t predictable. As a result, we may swing as far away from the chaos as possible and become very rigid. Suddenly we’re angry about people who forget a turn signal or children who are running too fast.

We need to get back to a place of balance, or flow, where we are flexible, adaptive, and stable.

Brain development, of course, is very complex, so Siegel and Bryson simplify it. They tell us that the left side of the brain is focused on logic and order, while the right side is more emotional and whimsical. The left side is verbal, while the right side is non-verbal and experiential. Children develop first on the right side of the brain. Their language isn’t yet developed, so they are more dependent on feelings and images. 

To manage big emotions, we need to help our children integrate the different areas of their brains. We want children to find the balance between emotions and logic; between chaos and rigidity.

One of the main strategies Siegel and Bryson recommend using with young children is called “name it to tame it.” To use this strategy, parents engage their children in telling the story of an event that the child found upsetting. This takes the event from a completely emotional, experience-based memory and applies order to the experience. As the child tells the story, they sort out the order of events and put the experience into words. They draw the experience from being entirely right-brained and chaotic using words and logic. Now they are able to have an integrated perspective and approach the situation more logically.

Telling the story of an event helps us make sense of the world and our place in it.

Should emotions be tamed?

When children are thinking about an event purely in terms of the emotions they experienced, the emotions are overwhelming. When we help them put the event into words, they are able to make sense of the emotions. 

I do think that storytelling is an incredibly valuable tool to use with children, but the way the “name it to tame it” strategy is presented presumes the superiority of reason and logic over being with the physical sensations and emotions. The authors are apparently unknowingly buying into the terms of a patriarchal society, in which emotion is inferior to reason and logic. Emotions need to be ‘named and tamed’ so we can get back to communicating on a ‘rational’ basis again. 

To explain my thinking, I want to put us on the same page with regard to the word ‘patriarchy,’ since this is commonly conflated with the idea of ‘man-hating.’ When I’m speaking of patriarchy, I’m referring to an underlying force in our society. 

This is the force that defines human characteristics as either masculine or feminine, equates male with masculine and female with feminine, and then and prioritizes the masculine over the feminine.

Patriarchy tells us that experiencing emotions is feminine; communicating using logic is masculine. 

Looking inward and understanding intuitively are feminine; looking outward and taking an active stance are masculine.

Tenderness, kindness, and nurturing are feminine; confidence, discipline, and being assertive are masculine.

Both boys and girls experience the force of the patriarchy as they grow up. This isn’t an idea that says all men are bad or pits women against men. It’s the idea that our culture isn’t working for us as humans. Feelings are not feminine. Thoughts are not masculine. Feelings are human. Thoughts are human. And one isn’t superior to the other.

While “name it to tame it” has been shown to help people to regulate their emotions, the assumption that the physical experience of the emotion, as well as the emotion itself, have nothing to tell us, is flawed.  In fact, the dissociation between our brains and our physical sensations and emotions creates enormous problems for us as we age. The longer we ignore the signals our body is trying to tell us, the harder the body tries to work to convey its message.  We feel distressed – and we can’t tell why!

Using mindfulness to understand big feelings

So what can we as parents do to help our children learn to manage their feelings and yet still teach our children that what they feel in their bodies and minds has just as much to tell them about their experience as what they can put into words? 

How can we support our children in understanding the knowledge of their bodies and emotions that they intuitively already possess (remember, these skills develop before the logical/verbal ones!)?

How do we help our children with their big feelings without subtly teaching them that logic is superior to feelings and all the patriarchal baggage that goes with that idea?

Rather than trying to tame emotions, I think we teach our children to notice their emotions. We teach them that experiencing their emotions – even when they feel difficult – is a useful practice.  The book Dancing With Life by Phillip Moffitt provides some guidance that I find helpful with my daughter – as well as for myself.

When something goes wrong for a child, their feelings can spiral out of control. What starts out as, “I don’t want to brush my teeth,” becomes, “it isn’t fair that I have to brush my teeth, and it isn’t fair that I have to share a room! My sister annoys me. No one else has to share a room. I just want to have my own room so my sister can’t break all my stuff the way she broke my necklace. I loved that necklace! I’m never going to get another necklace as beautiful as that one and my sister broke it!”

While we might feel that the child is overblowing their frustration, we need to accept that these kinds of things are a big deal in a child’s life – just like your struggles are a big deal to you. We can express empathy by saying, “It is really frustrating when we have to do something we don’t want to do. I don’t like it either.” 

Then we can use mindfulness-related techniques by asking them where they feel the frustration in their bodies (is it a rock in their stomach?  A tightening in their throat?). We aren’t necessarily trying to stop them from feeling frustrated. We want them to put 5% of their focus on naming the emotion, and the other 95% on just being with the experience of frustration in their body.  

Then as they practice this over time, they will begin to notice the rock in their stomach or the tightening in their throat, they can think “Oh, I know this.  This is frustration. When I’m frustrated I can…[insert tools that we’ve previously discussed with our child, like taking a break, asking an adult for help, or trying a different approach to the issue].”  The felt physical sensation and the emotion become important tools our children can use to better understand themselves, not just things that have to be named and tamed on the way to logically reasoning the problem away.

Introducing emotional and body awareness to children

This technique will take time to practice (perhaps your whole lives!). Don’t be surprised or discouraged if they say – or scream – that they don’t know what they’re feeling; after all, up until now we haven’t been using this language and might not even have known that it was important ourselves.

There are some things parents can do to support this new way of approaching big feelings.

Ask the child where in their body they feel ‘good’ feelings. Ask them where they feel excitement, pride, and surprise. Ask about where they feel embarrassment, nervousness, and jealousy. 

Some children will struggle to find the words they need to answer your questions. You can have them point to places where their body feels different. Another strategy is to ask yes or no questions. Do you feel it in your feet? Do you feel it in your knees? Do you feel it in your stomach? By following the same logical sequence when you ask these questions you’ll be teaching them how to do a body scan, which is a key tool that parents can use too to better understand the body-mind connection.

Talking to your child about feelings when they are calm is also important (and may initially be more effective than trying to do it in the moment).  When your child comes running to you with stiff limbs that are vibrating with anger because another child ripped a page out of their sticker book, you can first empathize and then work to fix the book, and while you’re doing that you can chat about what they experienced when they felt angry and how fast their experience of this emotion shifted.

Books provide a great opportunity for discussing emotions. Not only do they show situations that children can relate to, but in many cases illustrations support the idea that we experience feelings in our bodies. Characters might have red faces or even smoke coming out of their ears when they are angry. They might be slumped over when they are very sad. They stand up straight when they are proud.  You don’t need any special books to work on this but if you’d like one, we found Listening to My Body to be particularly useful.

You can also work with your child to learn to describe different sensations. You can offer choices of ways to describe a sensation. Is the feeling big or small? Is it hot or cold? Is it sharp or dull? You can invite your child to draw a picture of what their body feels like.

By allowing and encouraging your child to acknowledge their emotions and explore them, you’re encouraging them to use their whole self, not just their rational mind, to process their emotions, which takes the ideas presented in The Whole-Brained Child to the next level. Siegel and Bryson encourage teaching children to develop the left – logical – side of their brains so they can tame their emotions. I’m also in favor of using our right-brained tools to help us better understand ourselves.

When we teach our children to sit explore their emotions and understand how their bodies are functioning, we’re developing the right side of the brain. If we’re focused on applying logic and pulling emotions from the ‘messy’ right side of the brain into the ‘orderly’ left side of the brain, we’re implying that one side is better than the other. To truly use a whole-brain approach, we need to develop both sides of the brain equally and see the value and validity of both the rational and the emotional.

Many of us are just learning about patriarchy and the fact that we (women) have likely been ignoring the signals that our bodies have been trying to tell us for years – or even decades – by now.  By uncovering this information now, and by helping our children to understand the connection between their bodies and their emotions, we are equipping them for a lifetime of understanding themselves in a way that was never even an option for us.  Our children won’t have to question their own emotions or wonder why they have these physical sensations that are trying to tell them something but they just don’t know how to figure out what.

In a way I’m almost jealous of my daughter for this – but I’m also incredibly grateful that she will get to live her life more fully than I have been able to do.  My hope is that we will support each other in developing this understanding together.

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Ever been in any of these scenarios?

“I took my children on a fantastic vacation to Disney World.  My youngest ate it up but my five-year-old pouted the whole time.  The lines were too long; the weather was too hot; the food sucked.  Why can’t he appreciate the sacrifices we make for him?  It’s not like us parents want to go to Disney World…”

“My mom gave my three-year-old daughter a beautiful and expensive doll for her birthday.  My daughter doesn’t really like dolls, and when she realized what the gift was she threw it aside and went to play with her Legos.  My mom was really hurt, and I was mortified.  Why can’t my daughter just be thankful for a gift even if it’s not exactly what she wanted?”

“My five-year-old has it so easy.  We buy him toys; we pick up after him; we go out for treats (ice cream and the like) all the time.  He really wants for nothing, but he’s so ungrateful.  He has absolutely no idea how good he has it, and that there are people in the world with so much less than him.  What can I do about this?”

Ah, gratitude.

We all want our kids to feel it and to express it, but somehow they seem to have such a hard time doing it.  Really, how hard can it be to say “thank you” when someone gives you a gift?

Let’s start by making a distinction right off the bat that researchers who study gratitude make: the difference between manners and gratitude.  Manners require that we say “please” and “thank you,” but a very young child can be trained to say those things without any real understanding of what they mean.

(As a side note, why is it that children don’t use “please” when they KNOW they will get the thing they want faster if they say it?  😊)

So a child as young as two can say “thank you” on demand, or even spontaneously, when offered something they want.  But is this gratitude?

The researchers say “no.”

The Virtue of Gratitude

True gratitude requires three conditions to be in place:

1. A benefactor, who freely and intentionally provided the beneficiary with something;
2. The beneficiary recognizes the benefactor’s intentionality;
3. The beneficiary freely chooses to repay, if possible and appropriate, with something the benefactor needs or wants.

This is what researchers call the “virtue of gratitude,” and is also different from a general sense of gratitude as an emotional trait that is more like wellbeing, or enjoyment of a certain situation like a beautiful sunset, or thankfulness for having the benefits in life that we enjoy.

So part 1 of the definition is usually not a problem; people give things “freely and intentionally” to children all the time (trips to Disney World; expensive dolls, outings for ice cream…).

Theory of Mind

Part 2 of the definition is where things get sticky.  Now this might sound crazy, but young children actually believe that everyone sees the same thing they see, and thinks the same things they think.  They don’t yet have any concept of the fact that other people sees and thinks different things.  This is why your child will call to you from the next room and say “Can I play with this, Mama?” when you can’t see her: she doesn’t realize you don’t know what she means.

The scientific name for the understanding that your child has beliefs, desires, knowledge, and that other people have different beliefs, desires, and knowledge is Theory of Mind.

Children begin to understand five concepts as they acquire Theory of Mind, which generally develop in roughly this order (although they can come and go a bit as they solidify):

1. That different people want different things;
2. That different people think different things;
3. That seeing (or being told about something) leads to knowing about that thing;
4. That people have “false beliefs” – If my child and I take cookies from the cookie jar and hide them in the fridge, where will my partner look for the cookies when she comes home? If my child thinks my partner will look in the fridge, he doesn’t yet understand false beliefs: he couldn’t understand that my partner doesn’t know we put the cookies in the fridge;
5. That people can feel one way and act a different way.

So to truly feel gratitude, the child has to recognize that the benefactor went out of her way and thought “even though I don’t want to go to Disney World/go to the doll store/get ice cream, I think my child would really enjoy that vacation/doll/ice cream so let’s do that thing,” and young children simply do not have the cognitive ability to do this – and therefore can’t be grateful.

Part 3 of the definition relies on the understanding that people want different things.  If I say: “Grandma really went out of her way to pick out a beautiful doll for you; what do you think she might like as a small gift to say ‘thank you?,’” a three-year-old is likely to say “stickers!” or “Legos!.”  They don’t yet understand that different people want different things and that Grandma may not be thrilled by a gift of stickers or Legos.

As the child gets older, he begins to understand that Grandma won’t appreciate stickers but might like a new book on gardening, and he also develops the ability to understand time and plan for future activities (e.g. “Can we pick out a book on gardening for Grandma at the bookstore when we go into town on Saturday?”).

So all this is to say “stop expecting your young child to feel or express gratitude.  They just can’t do it.”

Supporting your child in developing gratitude-inducing skills

But take comfort in the fact that there are some things you can do to support your child in developing the skills needed to feel and express gratitude.  These include:

1. Use language to help your child understand that people think and want different things. For example: “I wonder what Mama would like to have for dinner.  Shall we call her and ask?”  or “What do you think Jesse would like for his birthday?”  “How do you think Ana felt when Amy took the toy from her?”  Using this strategy while reading books can also be a useful and easy entry point to this activity.  Also point out where your child likes similar or different things/activities than other people.

2. Help your child to understand that not everyone knows what he knows. When he tells a neighbor about something that happened recently, encourage your child to give enough background information for the story to make sense because “our neighbor doesn’t know why we went into town yesterday.”  Note that people from some cultures (primarily those with a strong written tradition) tend to tell stories in this way; children from cultures that use more oral narratives may have different ways to organize stories there’s much more detail on that in my episode on storytelling.

Set up mini-surprises for family members.  Do something special for them, and emphasize to your child that the other person won’t know what you’ve done until you (or your child) tells them.  Just be prepared for your child to blurt it out as soon as the other person walks in the door…

3. Talk about time. Put a calendar on the fridge and mark upcoming appointments; let your child cross off the days as they pass.  Talk about things that happened in the past (ten minutes ago; this morning; yesterday; last week; months ago) and when things will happen in the future.  Try to refer accurately to time when you talk with your child: when she asks you to play, say “I’m busy right now, but I can play in twenty minutes when the big hand on the clock reaches the six.”  Children can be confused about how long it takes time to pass when you say “I’ll be there in a second” or “Just a minute,” when you will actually take much longer.

Watch for the stages of Theory of Mind and the ability to understand time and plan ahead to develop in your child, and then you’ll know when they should be able to express gratitude.  Until that point, you just have to let it go.  (If the child has all these abilities and still don’t express gratitude then there is likely some kind of problem unrelated to the child’s development that should be addressed, possibly in conjunction with an expert.)

Finally, this might sound counter-intuitive, but you might consider spending less time organizing your life around your children.  Part of “different people wanting different things” is that different people want to spend their time doing different things, and sometimes someone else in the family has to do something they don’t want to do so one person can do the things they do want to do.

Perhaps your child can help you to brainstorm creative ways to get everyone spending more time doing things they enjoy, but perhaps sometimes they just have to suck it up and go somewhere with you even if they would rather be somewhere else.  They might also realize that they actually enjoy nature journaling or decorating cakes or browsing used bookstores or whatever it is that gets you going if it means spending time with you.

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