257: I Don’t Enjoy Playing With My Kid: Why It Happens & What To Do

I had a hard time with special time. I just sort of did it out of obligation that a child needs to be played with for their development. And I did it sort of for my son, but I don't enjoy playing. And in turn, I feel terrible for feeling that way. I don't enjoy just spending time playing with my kids. It seems that no matter how much special time we have, it's not enough for him. We play a lot. We spend a lot of time together, but no matter how much time we spend with my son, it seems not enough. He's always asking to play with him. He says, “Mama, play with me”. And I just play and play and play. And then I don't have time for myself. And even sometimes when I wake up in the morning, I feel tense because I know that as soon as I get out of the bedroom, my son's going to say, “let's play”.

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Well, if you're making parenting decisions based on studies of families who are nothing like yours or using a method of analysis that skews the results in a particular direction that the researcher wants to find, then you're probably not going to get the results you're hoping for when you implement the ideas from that paper. So I dig into the methods the researchers used and who they studied and whether their conclusions actually match the data they found. I'll also keep looking at the ways they frame their research questions in the first place to see how this shapes the outcomes and whether following the findings is likely to take us in a direction of greater well-being for all of us or not. So none of that is going away. Secondly, I'm still going to release new episodes about every two weeks, sometimes a bit more often, sometimes a bit less. You'll still have regular content to look forward to. Third, you're still going to hear a mix of different types of episodes. So sometimes I will narrate an episode myself, especially when I have a strong point of view on a topic or when the research conclusions are kind of nebulous and I want to interpret them for you as a whole body. Other times I will interview researchers directly about their expertise when that's going to be most helpful.

Another thing we've actually quietly launched over the last few months is private coaching with me or with associate coach Denise Suarez. I got trained in the Gottman Method about 18 months ago because I'd always thought couples coaching was some really strange and mysterious thing that I would never be able to do. And imagine my surprise when I did the training and I found the Gottman's Method is very similar to the ways that I work with parents. And I learned how to use it in my marriage and I would say it's not an exaggeration to say it's been absolutely transformational for us. And I've had several clients recently where the couple had tried everything to improve their relationship, including therapy, and over the course of just three sessions with me they were able to make incredible shift in how they perceive each other. For one couple the husband would constantly tell the wife she was using a tone with him that was irritating to him. He thought she was always in a bad mood and was always shouting. And after just three sessions things were completely different.

And that's the bit that I don't think, you know, normal counseling does. It's just a lot of talking and I just felt like we've done this talking, we've been around this marriage so many times, but what we needed was literally the communication. Just felt so much better, felt very goal focused.

I used to always go on about Jill's tone, well it's your tone, it's your tone, and I feel that that has totally gone. I didn't think it would work. I'm quite surprised how quickly it worked. It felt, did feel like a radical shift just completely.

Quite amazing.

Yeah, quite amazing.

I've really enjoyed working with couples who are committed to improving their communication even if they're already divorced and know they have to communicate more effectively for their own sanity and for the kids' mental and emotional health. I also love to work with parents who have tried everything related to their kids' difficult behavior because we can usually find a path forward in just a few sessions there as well. Associate coach Denise helps parents to take a breath and to reconnect both with the child in front of them and with themselves. She likes to support parents in understanding what's really driving their child's behavior and in aligning their parenting with the values that matter most to them. She has a really gentle, structured approach and helps parents to find clarity about what kind of family they want to be and gives them a framework they can return to in any situation. And parents who work with her often say they feel lighter and more confident, able to bring calm and compassion into daily life even when things get messy. So if that sounds interesting to you, you can sign up for coaching with me or with Denise and book your first session right away at yourparentingmojo.com/parent-coaching. So if you forget that dash it won't work.

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The biggest change you're going to notice as a podcast listener after today's episode is that I'm going to produce much shorter episodes. So we're talking often 15 to 20 minutes, usually shorter than 30 minutes. I'm going to distill the most actionable idea from my research on each topic and share that with you. So while the episodes will still be research-based and I will share the references I use to create them, I'm not going to dive into the weeds of things like study methodologies as much anymore in the shorter episodes. I'll just share my main takeaways and what this means for you in implementing the ideas. And if you want to dive deeper into the full body of research and all the nuances that I found, the complete episode will be available in the Parenting Membership. I'm also going to share more episodes featuring live parent coaching like today's episode where Parent Aija discovers why she doesn't like playing with her son and we go through some realistic strategies to shift her perspective on this. And these parent coaching sessions will come from our Beyond the Behavior calls which are completely free and are open to anyone.

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I really believe the cohort model that we've used for the last seven years of this membership has a lot of value because you get to know and grow alongside the people in your cohort. But I've talked with so many parents who have told me I have friends who wanted to join the Parenting Membership but they had a problem in July or September or January and it's only open in May. Well, no longer! You will be able to sign up whenever works for you and when you join, you'll get a core module of content that will help you find strategies to address the most pressing challenges you are facing in your first month. We'll connect you with all the ways you can get help on coaching calls, our private community which has been described as the least judgmental corner of the internet, and in peer support groups where you'll get help taking small manageable steps towards your self-defined goals. And then in the subsequent months you'll dive deeper into topics like getting on the same page with your parenting partner if you have one and finally figuring out picky eating and screen time struggles and all the rest of it.

And so that is coming your way in January twenty twenty-six. And we're cooking up something super special for Black Friday! We know you don't have any time to engage with the Parenting Membership before the end of this year and so we are planning a Black Friday Spectacular where you can sign up at a great discount and then get started when you actually have time in January. And there's more! We're working on updating Your Parenting Mojo website so you can find what you want more easily and we're also creating a private podcast for new listeners to help them get oriented to my work. So, you get newly created super short episodes to help you see your challenges in a new way and make the changes you wanted to make for years but couldn't figure out how to do it. So those will be available before the end of the year as well if all goes well. I'm really excited for this next phase for Your Parenting Mojo and I'm looking forward to supporting you in being with your kids in a way that brings you joy and gratitude for the relationship that you have together. So, with all that said let's meet Parent Aija who joined a Beyond the Behavior call recently to share that she does not enjoy playing with her son. And if you have ever felt this way, you're going to want to hear this conversation because what starts as Aija asking how to make time for herself turns into something much deeper. We discover that her struggle with play is not really about her child at all. When we dig into what makes play during special times so hard, we uncover some sadness and grief that Aija didn't even realize was there.

And we find that the messages she received as a child about productivity and being a good future wife and mother are still running in the background making it really hard for her to be present with her son. But we also find three concrete strategies that help Aija to see a way forward. And by the end of our conversation her entire demeanor has shifted. She's smiling, she has a plan to talk with her family and she's starting to understand why her son keeps taking her bookmark and throwing blankets over her head every morning and what she can do about it that doesn't involve setting more boundaries. So, let's take a listen.

I've had a hard time with special time. Even in the beginning when my son was born, I just sort of did it out of obligation that a child needs to be played with for their development and I did it sort of for my son. But I don't enjoy playing and in turn I feel terrible for feeling that way. I don't enjoy just spending time playing with my kids. That's terrible. It seems that no matter how much special time we have it's not enough for him. We play a lot. We spend a lot of time together and this is the first time my son is going to preschool and he doesn't really spend that much time there. He spends three days a week for a couple of hours but the last four and a half years it's just me, him and it's hard. I mean between my husband and I we try to get stuff done but no matter how much time we spend with my son it seems not enough.

He's always asking to play with him. He says mama play with me and I just play and play and play and then I don't have time for myself and even sometimes when I wake up in the morning I feel tense because I know that as soon as I get out of the bedroom my son's going to say let's play and I have a hard time setting boundaries because when I say I need to sit down and read a book and drink my coffee he has big feelings and then the physical stuff starts. I mean my husband and I talked about it a lot and we tried to set boundaries with him and say okay this is the time when we are going to sit down and drink coffee and read and after 30 minutes mommy will play with you or papa will play with you but he has a hard time. He won't. He'll climb. He will try anything to get your attention. Throw a blanket on your face. Steal your bookmark and it's hard.

Yeah, which I do like I do see things from his perspective. He has a need for joy and fun and he just wants to play and be a kid and he's very sweet but it's hard. Yeah so, I'm not sure what the question is how to make time for you. I guess yeah how to meet your needs also meet your child's needs at the same time.

I guess that's where we're going right?

Yeah.

And so to get there the first question, I'm is this comes to mind for me is what is it about special time particularly but play in general that you dislike? Why is it hard?

I'm not sure.

What thoughts are going through your mind when you're doing when you're playing with your kid?

I have to take care of things like chores. Yeah, like I need to be productive.

And play is not productive.

Yeah, it seems that's how I grew up.

Yeah, it's a waste of time.

Yeah.

And that is a very deeply ingrained cultural message for many of us. I know you didn't grow up in the U.S. and you but you're saying that this is a cultural message that you received as well. What did your parents and caregivers play with you? Did they what kind of messages did you get around play and around work and school and achievement?

I think with um I know when I was younger maybe five I my dad used to play with me a lot. Yeah, we played tea party, Haitian doctor game, sometimes hide and seek but I don't remember my mom sitting down playing with me.

Did you enjoy that kind of play?

Oh yes, a lot and then as I got older it was more about school. You have to get good grades and you have to learn certain skills to function as a future mom, future somebody's bride, somebody's yeah.

And all of that is about work I assume.

Yeah, and I can't not seem to be able to get that out of me somehow. I tried.

What did you try?

Try?

Yeah, you said you tried to get it out of you. What did you try?

Like this feeling that whenever we start playing it feels heavy and I try to take a deep breath and see things from my son's perspective and then also like making a list of chores that you can you don't have to do some days and you can do some days like Mondays are for laundry, Tuesdays are for something else. That way I don't have to think about them all the time while I'm playing with him but sometimes it's not even about the I just need to sit down and rest yeah.

And I'm thinking about your needs and how to articulate those right and how to meet your child's needs for joy and play and fun and connection and also meet your needs and I'm hearing there's sort of a couple threads here right. One is for rest, totally legitimate need and one is for sort of this feeling of productivity right that I think is coming from this conditioning that you received that you're not doing your job well if you are playing, if you are doing something that isn't productive work. Is that right? Are those both of those things are kind of happening at the same time in your mind?

Yeah.

Yeah okay and so I think the thing to recognize which I think you're already doing is to see how this you know this sense of I have to be productive all the time, is a result of the conditioning that you received from your parents by rewarding you for doing the kinds of activities that they wanted you to do to be a good wife, a good parent in the future which is all about doing right and oh the irony of the thing that your kid actually needs is the one thing they didn't train you to do right. They never trained you how to be mindfully present with a child.

Like sometimes I just watch my husband play with my son and it seems that it's so easy for him to just get into a like pretend game and just like jump around and play with him and it just it comes so easy to him it seems and I want to be like that yeah.

Okay and so in some ways that's a really helpful model to have right oh this is what play looks like and, on another hand, very often when we compare ourselves to somebody else, we feel shame right oh they can do it. That person can do it really easily I can't do it that must mean there's something wrong with me does that come up.

Yeah, for sure.

And when we feel shame we very rarely are then able to make decisions that have a have the impact that's aligned with our values when we're when we're reacting to a situation from a place of shame. And I think it's really important to see that shame there and to acknowledge that comparison and to even sort of catch yourself in the act as it were right of looking at your husband and saying oh it comes so easy to him and I should be able to do that too. Oh I'm noticing that I'm judging myself, pause take a breath right try and try and have a little bit of compassion for yourself for the little kid in you who loved playing with your dad so much when that was still an acceptable thing to do for a little kid and who wished that your dad could have kept connecting with you and maybe even your mom too right if you have no memories of playing with your mom maybe you wanted to connect with your mom as well through play and that that wasn't available to you. And that you wanted to keep doing that for much longer than you were able to do that and to try to bring some compassion to the little Aija who really wanted to have those needs met and who was kind of you know in there somewhere screaming in that moment when your kid wants to play and your husband is able to do this and that little kid is there saying I wanted to play too. What's coming up for you when I say that?

Sadness yeah. Underneath it all I think I just always feel sad yeah that I didn't spend time to take care of me yeah.

When you were little or now?

I think both. I think when I was little, I just didn't know that maybe it's grief how far it could have been.

Yeah, absolutely.

And I think part of me has a hard time setting boundaries with my kid is because of that.

For sure.

Because I feel bad telling him no.

Because your parents told you no right it's not it's not okay to play anymore now you're old enough you shouldn't need to play anymore.

You're old enough you need to take care of your brother and sister and you're the oldest thing you need to take it yeah and I think in turn and I'm not meeting my needs now because spending a lot of time taking care of my son needs yeah.

So that training was pretty effective right.

Oh yeah, I'm not really sure what I wanted to ask you I think it's like how to make this okay maybe. How to have joy with my son and is there a way to set boundaries I'm not sure.

Yeah, I see three strategies to try okay the first is are there activities that you do actually enjoy doing when you play together?

Yeah

What things?

I like building Legos with him yeah and I like to paint with him.

Okay so would it be possible to spend more time doing those activities does he enjoy those activities as well obviously the purpose of special time is that the kid gets to choose to meet their need for autonomy. Would he choose Legos? Would he choose painting? Would it be possible to make those supplies easily accessible? So it's like the Legos are right there they're easily right they're already out you don't have to get them out so that there's no choice to make it's like oh we have to drag the Legos out of the closet if we want to play with them is they're already available they're a default option. Do you think he would be receptive to that?

Oh yeah, they're right there they're on his toy shop in the living room.

yeah okay. Does he paint as well?

Yeah, paints are there we've got all the papers and supplies over there in the shop; you can grab them easily.

Okay and so if you were to suggest for the next stretch right. Do you want to spend some time together today? Do you want to do some Lego? Do you want to paint? Is there something else on your mind? So that you're offering the types of activities that you enjoy as ones to go to first and you're not closing off the option of other activities but you're offering the ones you'd like first. Would that be doable?

Sure.

So that what we're doing there is making it is sort of removing that mental hurdle of I don't like special time. And make and choosing an activity that you actually do enjoy is sort of you know strategy number one okay. Strategy number two is to use special time with your son as your mindfulness practice. And so when you notice your thoughts of Oh, I could be doing this chore or I’m really not enjoying this or whatever else is coming up right I should be enjoying this if I was a good parent, I would enjoy playing with my kid whatever those thoughts are coming up is to just kind of label that oh I’m thinking that I should be enjoying play. I’m thinking that this is not fun, I’m thinking I should be washing the dishes right now and to try to then come back to the present moment. Okay actually putting the Lego blocks together can be enjoyable for me right. The action of putting the paint on the paper is enjoyable for me, even if it's an activity that you wouldn't necessarily choose is it possible that the thing that you're doing right in this moment is not unpleasurable, right. It's not distasteful can you find at least a sort of neutral perspective on it if not uh okay I can see how to enjoy this. And each time you find yourself your mind wandering to this is terrible when is this going to be over right oh, I’m having a thought and come back to the present moment. Do you think special time might be more bearable if you would?

Yeah, I think that it's that's a good. I think that helps to think of it as this is my practice.

Okay so that's the second thing and then the third is boundaries and boundaries are such a helpful tool. And I hear that you're probably not setting enough of them and still boundaries are our second line tool right we don't want to default to boundaries what we want to default to is there a strategy where we can meet both of our needs. And what that might look like for your family is maybe all of you sitting down together and just saying hey I’ve noticed that our mornings have been kind of hard for me lately and I’m wondering if they've been hard for you too. And could we have a conversation about how we would like our mornings to go because I’ve been noticing I’ve been feeling really impatient with you and that yesterday you stole my bookmark and you threw the blanket over my head and I actually felt angry when that happened and I don't want to feel angry with you first thing in the morning. And I’m wondering if there's something about how our mornings are going that are not working well for you either and could we talk about what would our ideal morning be like. And we can all talk about you child get to say what would your perfect morning look like. What would you have for breakfast? How would you be woken up? How would we get ready for school? And so, we're kind of walking through this step by step and then okay for me what would an ideal morning look like for my partner what would an ideal morning look like. And then sort of working together to see okay under underneath you saying you want to play for an hour before we do anything else I hear a need for connection. Can we think of some strategies we can use to help you meet that need for connection first thing. What if I was to play with you for five minutes even before I make my coffee right. It's hard for me to function before I make my coffee so and sit down for a bit and focus on myself but I think I can do five minutes could we give that a try so that you're meeting that need for connection right off the bat right.

If you think about nighttime from a child's perspective, they've been apart from you for a while probably and they're probably looking for that first connection and what they're getting back from us is yes, I’ll connect with you after I’ve done all these other chores first for which is how they hear it right. You might hear it as I need to rest um they might hear it as uh you know you're doing all these other things first and who knows if I’m going to get my time today I’m going to make sure that mama hears that I want connection time by taking the book by putting the blanket over her head by doing all these other things just to make sure she doesn't forget. But if I knew that I was going to get those five minutes first then I’d be able to get through the next you know half hour while mama gets her needs met and then we will know what will happen for the rest of the day as well. Do you do you think you'd be receptive to that sort of ideal morning conversation?

Yes. That's great I don't know I never thought about that. I mean we do have problem-solving conversations a lot but not like sitting down three of us too and then having a couple like connection time for five minutes first didn't occur to me before. It's very helpful thank you.

Oh yeah, your entire demeanor is really changed and I think the thing that's important about having the conversation about how our morning goes is firstly it gets us out of a conversation about how your behavior needs to stop. The problem here is your behavior child and when you stop doing that thing when you stop taking my bookmark and throwing the blanket over my head, we won't have a problem anymore and we start to take ownership of this as a shared challenge that we're having. It's not just your challenge it's a challenge that we're all having together and by expanding our focus so we're not just looking at the moment when this difficult thing happens how do I get you to stop throwing the blanket over my head we're looking at what are the needs that are happening in this entire morning. And immediately I’m hearing your kids need for connection for joy for play, your need for probably rest and mental space in the morning to wake up what do you actually have the capacity for to give him connection maybe all you have capacity for is to lie in bed together for a few minutes right and just have some snuggle time that could also meet his need for connection. It doesn't have to be play potentially so looking for all the different strategies that we can use once we've identified the needs for connection for mental space for rest for those kinds of things. That opens up so many more possibilities than how do I get you to stop throwing the blanket over my head when I’m reading my book. And then we're not in this conversation about how do I get him to respect my boundary because everybody's needs are met and that's why we want to default to how do we meet everybody's needs rather than defaulting to the boundary because otherwise we end up setting so many boundaries that our kids are going to push back, because their needs are not being met. And what a boundary is essentially saying is I don't see a way that we can meet both of our needs right now and so I’m going to prioritize my need in this moment and I would say there's a decent chance given what you've said about your history that you should be setting some boundaries but again when we default to that.

Of course, the kid's going to push back because their needs are not being met so much of the time and what you may well find is that as you're able to meet more of his needs and more of your needs at the same time you find yourself wanting to set fewer boundaries because we don't need to set boundaries when our needs are met. And secondly that when you set it he's more willing to accept that boundary because he doesn't have to deal with it as often because most of the time his needs are met. Does that make sense?

Yes, thank you Jen.

You're welcome is there anything else oh my goodness that smile on your face is there anything else you'd like to ask or say to feel complete?

No this is good, I’m going to something to think about.

Would you be willing to make a plan for when you could have that problem-solving conversation with your family about how the ideal morning could go?

Yeah, I think we can try today after my husband gets home from work and all of us you know sit down and talk.

Yeah, okay and if today doesn't happen for some reason, what's the backup plan backup plan?

Tomorrow's Thursday evening.

Maybe he has a rough day at school today. And he's already dysregulated and he's not in the mental space to think about how mornings are going to be and if that's the case then we can try again tomorrow so having that backup plan for what happens if the thing I’m hoping is going to happen doesn't work out is really important because otherwise you might be like, oh I was supposed to have a conversation somehow it never happened and we're still in this cycle right we want to make sure that we have a plan B in case plan A doesn't work.

Yeah. And I think after dinner will be a good time yeah and if it doesn't work out today, we’ll try tomorrow.

And you can see that conversation right. I’ve been thinking about this and about our mornings and wondering if we can talk about that it doesn't seem like today's the right day because I can see we've already had a bit of a hard evening so maybe we can talk about that tomorrow. Just would that work for you? And so, we're already teeing up the idea that we want to have this conversation tomorrow because today is going to be a bit blindside right, they don't know what's coming. By tomorrow they'll have had a chance to think about it.

Yeah.

All right thank you so much for sharing that with us you're not alone in not liking special time for sure. I really appreciate you allowing us to see that little window of your life.

Thank you.

All right, so what can you take from this conversation and apply in your life? Well, if you're struggling with special time or with play in general, you could start by getting curious about why that is what messages did you receive growing up about play about productivity. About what makes you valuable as a person. Those messages are probably still running in the background influencing how you interact with your child right now. And then you can ask yourself if I don't really enjoy playing with my child are there activities I actually do enjoy doing with my child? Can I make those the default options. Secondly if there's a task that you dread whether that's play in general. Pretend play in particular or anything else really could you find a way to use that time as a mindfulness practice noticing when your mind wanders to other things and bringing yourself back to the present moment. Because most of the time when we're having a hard time doing something like playing with our kids, the play itself isn't actually terrible. Sure, maybe you wouldn't choose to spend your time on Minecraft or monster trucks or even sorting rocks like my daughter did a few years ago but if you can shut out the stories, you're telling yourself about how miserable this is, and how there are so many more productive things that you could be doing right now.

Is it possible that the actual experience of the play itself is at the very least neutral if not mildly pleasant? When we were sorting rocks, I would often find that if I could shut down the part of my brain that told me that this was a complete waste of time and listen to the part of my brain that knew this this activity was really deeply connecting for my daughter. And that the sun on my arm actually felt quite nice and that each little rock had something at least a little bit interesting about it to observe, then I found I could quite happily sort rocks for an hour and that's mindfulness and I would say that I’m a better parent because of that rock sorting because I can now be just kind of gently present in all kinds of situations that I would previously have found irritating. And finally when you're facing a recurring challenge whether it's mornings or bedtime or transitions or anything else can you have a problem-solving conversation about it can you talk about what everyone's ideal experience would look like? What needs is each person having? What strategies could help meet everyone's needs at the same time. Don't forget you can find a printable list of needs at yourparentingmojo.com/needs also a picture-based version for kids who for who need that as well. So, Aija's probably right that more boundaries would be helpful to her in her specific situation if she is not getting the rest and the self-care time that she wants. She's actually in the Parenting Membership and I bet she and I are going to be talking a lot more about that in the coming weeks and months.

Boundaries are all over Instagram and Tiktok at the moment and it's so easy to get the impression that we should be like Oprah giving away cars and you get a boundary and you get a boundary and you get a boundary. But in my book Parenting Beyond Power there's a flow chart that walks you through when to use each type of parenting tool that's available to us. When we default to boundaries, we really miss the opportunity to meet both of our needs which is a much nicer place to be in a relationship. When we spend most of our time getting our needs met, we feel really good about the relationship. And then in the relatively few times where we can't see how to meet both of our needs a boundary is our next best tool and our kids are much less likely to push against those boundaries when most of the time, we're meeting all of our needs. So, if you want to hear other coaching sessions like this from the Beyond the Behavior calls you can join the Parenting Membership during our Black Friday sale to start in January twenty twenty-six. Our first session featured coaching on what to do when the teacher at your child's school wants to meet with you because the child is refusing to participate in class activities. And what to do when you want to stop yelling at your kids and saying things like: “Why would you do that?” that you know is likely to arouse shame in them but you just can't stop. The recordings of those conversations are inside the Parenting Membership and don't forget that you can join us live on a Beyond the Behavior call on the second Wednesday of each month at 9 AM Pacific. Those calls are completely free and I’m happy to coach you or you can just listen in and you can sign up at yourparentingmojo.com/beyondthebehavior. Thanks so much for being here with you I’m looking forward to seeing how all these changes roll out and help you more effectively and I will see you next time on the show.

Hi this is jess from rural east Panama. I’m a Your Parenting Mojo fan and I hope you enjoy this show as much as I do. If you found this episode especially enlightening or useful you can also donate to help Jen produce more content like this and also save us from those interminable mattress ads. Then you can do that and also subscribe on the link that Jen just mentioned and don't forget to head to yourparentingmojo.com to record your own message for the show.