234: The problem with Time Outs: Why they fail, and what to do Instead
The Problem with Time Outs: Why They Fail, and What to Do Instead
Recently, in Part 1 of this two-part mini-series, we began looking at a question from listener Melissa:
“Can time-outs ever have a place in a respectful parenting approach? (And if not, what else am I supposed to do when my kid looks me in the eye and does something he knows he’s not supposed to do?)”
That episode looked at the academic research on the effectiveness of time-outs, what else might account for the research that finds them ‘effective,’ and whether time-outs might harm children even if the research says they don’t.
Today’s episode builds on Part 1 by exploring why time outs often fail to address misbehavior effectively – and may harm parent-child relationships.
Key points include:
- We often don’t understand the distinction between misbehavior and emotional distress: Researchers agree that we should use time-outs when children misbehave, but not when they’re emotionally distressed. But what if we aren’t as good at telling the difference between those two states as we think we are?
- Understanding why children do things we tell them not to do: We look specifically at what Melissa’s 3 ½-year-old son is doing – things like poking her face, throwing a toy when she’s told him not to, and dropping food on the floor during dinner, as well as pulling his sister’s hair, and hitting/kicking her.
- How alternatives to time out are even more effective: Even in controlled lab settings, compliance after time-outs often doesn’t exceed 60%. We’ll meet parent Kendra, whose child had an Oppositional Defiant Disorder diagnosis that she no longer believes is true now she’s using the tools we discuss in this episode.
Drawing on research and these real-life stories, this episode offers actionable insights for parents who want effective alternatives to time-outs.
Whether you’re dealing with boundary-testing toddlers or older children’s challenging behaviors, this episode provides tools to help you deal with your child’s misbehavior by creating empathy and trust, rather than disconnection and resentment.
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Are you often triggered by your child’s behavior? In this FREE masterclass, you’ll learn: Why You’re So Angry with Your Child’s Age-Appropriate Behavior – and what to do about it!
Other episodes mentioned:
Episode 227: Where emotions come from (and why it matters) Part 2
Episode 226: Where emotions come from (and why it matters) Part 1
Episode 213: How to stop using power over your child (and still get things done)
Episode 207: How to not be a permissive parent
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About the author, Jen
Jen Lumanlan (M.S., M.Ed.) hosts the Your Parenting Mojo podcast (www.YourParentingMojo.com), which examines scientific research related to child development through the lens of respectful parenting.