255: Why Do I Keep Snapping? Parenting Rage When Your Childhood ‘Wasn’t That Bad

I mean, I guess my mom snapped all the time. My mom yelled a lot. So, and that's really why I also want to stop because I don't want a repetition of that. And I didn't really even realize that I was, I wouldn't say it was trauma because I look back at my childhood as being fine, but then like now after having children and when we're at my mom's, I'm like, whoa, this is not the type of household I want to be in. I don't want my children around. I just, I don't want to be around screaming. I don't want; I don't want my kids to have to be screamed at. Like, I just, I don't want that. And that's when I realized that, okay, my childhood maybe wasn't as pristine as I thought it was.

Hi, I'm Emma and I'm listening from the UK. We all want our children to lead fulfilled lives, but we're surrounded by conflicting information and clickbait headlines that leave us wondering what to do as parents. The Your Parenting Mojo podcast distills scientific research on parenting and child development into tools parents can actually use every day in their real lives with their real children. If you'd like to be notified when new episodes are released and get a free infographic on the 13 reasons your child isn't listening to you and what to do about each one, just head on over to yourparentingmojo.com/subscribe. And pretty soon you're going to get tired of hearing my voice read this intro. So come and record one yourself at yourparentingmojo.com/recordtheintro.

Hello, and welcome to the Your Parenting Mojo podcast. I'm going to share a short episode soon on some exciting changes that are coming with the podcast and with the Parenting Membership as well. And I'm giving you a sneak peek today into one of those changes, which is that I'm going to start sharing a lot more coaching sessions on the podcast. You're about to hear me coach Terese, a mom of three young kids who lives in Norway and works as a teacher. Like many parents, Terese finds herself snapping at her kids sometimes, going from zero to a hundred in seconds, even the day we talked when her three-year-old fell off her bike. What made me want to share Terese's story is that she doesn't think her childhood was traumatic. She describes it as fine, which leads her to believe that her yelling at her kids is somehow her fault, that she should be able to control it better since she doesn't have what she considers to be a good enough excuse for the yelling. But as we dig into her story, we discover that her mom yelled at Terese constantly over things like where to put her homework books that happened every night. Terese even went to night school just to have a place where she could do homework without getting screamed at. She describes walking on eggshells around her mom, both as a child and even now as an adult. The truth is you don't need capital “T” trauma to have patterns that show up in your parenting. Sometimes it's the smaller, repeated experience that shape how we react under pressure. As you listen to me coach Terese, I want you to imagine that you're on the Zoom call with us and with the other parents who were there as well. Maybe your triggers look different from Terese's. Your childhood experiences might have been different. But see if you can notice the process that we use, how we explore what's happening now, what happened in the past, and how those connect. Notice how we look at practical strategies like movement and self-compassion alongside the deeper work of understanding our patterns. The tools we use with Terese are the same tools you can use in your own life no matter what your specific triggers are or where they come from. And if you stick around until the end, I'll share some specific tools that Terese found helpful that you can try in your own life today.

All right, so Terese, thank you. Do you want to go ahead and give us the double click and just a little more detail on what's going up for you?

I just snap really quickly and it's like not even...I don't feel like I have particularly hard days at work, but when I come home, I just feel like I don't have the patience I want to have with my kids. And I just completely, yeah, I just snap. It goes from zero to a hundred in no time at all. The last one was just a few hours ago this evening when.

Okay, perfect. Do you want to tell me what happened in that interaction?

Yeah, so we were on our way to my son's...goes to a sport thing. They do like a different sport every week. And we were a little late and my three-year-old, who is perfectly capable of biking, she just refused to bike up the hill. And it's not a very big hill. It's just like a little gravel road. She just threw her bike down and was like, no, it's too hard in Norwegian. But still, I was like, okay, come on, you know how to bike up the hill. We've done it, I don't know how many times. And she was just completely inconsolable. And I had my baby on my bike, so I can't like bring her bike and push her along because I just...yeah, it's a steep hill. Anyways, so then I got my son. I'm like, okay, can you just carry Freya's bike up the hill? And she did. And then as soon as Freya's like trying to get on the bike, she falls over it and makes...well, she didn't make a big thing. She probably fell and it was...she didn't make a big deal. And I was like, ah, Freya! And I was just like, from zero to...I just completely snapped. And then she got even more sad because I yelled at her. And it's just like a never-ending circle. Well, it's not never ending. It did end. And I said, I'm sorry for snapping. It's okay. I'm back. But like, I just wish I wouldn't have these outbursts. I mean, I wasn't stressed at school. She generally fell; it was upsetting for her. And like, I can do that if they spill something, if they like, yeah, it just goes like from zero to a hundred very, very quickly.

Okay. All right. Thank you for giving that kind of basic outline. So, I tracked three children in all of that. And was my math, right? Could you give me the ages? How old are you?

Okay. My oldest is six and then three. And my baby is nine months old now.

Cool. Okay. And so, Freya is three and then you have the six-year-old and the baby. All right. So that's a lot of people on bikes.

So you're a teacher, is that right? Is that what you mentioned?

Yeah. Okay. And so let's see, today is Wednesday. Yesterday was a school day. So you were in, you were...

It's a school day. We started in August. Everything's cool. We've been gone for, yeah, we've been working.

All right. But you said that it wasn't super, it wasn't a super stressful day for you at school in particular. Is that right?

Not really. No. I mean, sure, we have some parent meetings still, but it wasn't like, it wasn't that stressful. I had my classes as normal.

Yeah. All right. And school in general, interactions with kids, interactions with the parents, interactions with administrators, do you find that stressful, draining, or is it kind of nourishing, enriching, enliving from a general perspective?

Generally, I find it nourishing and enriching. I mean, sure, there are always stressful days and moments and tied with time. It's never enough time to do anything. But in general, I do like my job and enjoy being there. And today was one of those cases. It wasn't I was not happy. But I mean, I was short on time today. It's true. I was juggling between things.

Okay. And how about outside of work in life in general, right? You have three kids; you have a lot going on. In life outside of work, do you generally feel nourished and rewarded, or is it constantly one thing after another, one fire after another, one challenge after another?

I don't think I'm like putting out fires. I don't really, my husband is on paternity leave. So, I mean, that helps because he does a lot of things around the house and the cooking and the cleaning. So, I mean, like, I don't feel like I'm particularly burdened. So, I have even less of an excuse to snap at my children.

Oh, there's that self-judgment, right? And why I shouldn't be doing this because I have a lot of support because there's no real reason why I should be snapping. And therefore, I judge myself, which doesn't seem as though it has thus far helped with snapping at your kid less. And so are you getting enough sleep?

Most nights, yeah. I mean, I do have a nine month old, so I do wake up during the night. Yeah. But it's not, I don't feel that I'm sleep deprived in general.

How about food nourishment and movement?

Everyone was hungry when rule number one. So, yeah. And then the kids probably had moved enough, but I definitely hadn't exercised yet. And that is definitely, if I exercise, I snap less. I know this about myself.

All right. And now I want to dig one level deeper, if that's okay with you, and see if there are any patterns from longer ago, right? So far, we've looked at patterns that are coming up today. And I'm also curious about patterns from longer ago. And I'm wondering about your childhood and what that was like. Could you tell us a little about that?

Yeah. I mean, I guess my mom snapped all the time. My mom yelled a lot. So, and that's really why I also want to stop because I don't want a repetition of that. And I didn't really even realize that I was, I wouldn't say it was trauma because I look back at my childhood as being fine. But then like now after having children and when we're at my mom's, I'm like, whoa, this is not the type of household I want to be in. I don't want my children around. I just, I don't want to be around screaming. I don't want my kids to have to be screamed at. I just, I don't want that. And that's when I realized that, okay, my childhood maybe wasn't as pristine as I thought it was. Yeah.

Okay. Do you remember any of the kinds of things that she would yell about?

I mean, mostly it was about things that we'd done. For example, like one that happened almost every day was that I would leave my books. I mean, I came home with my homework and I would have my homework on the table, on the kitchen table because I was doing my homework. And then she would scream at me when it was dinnertime to get the books off the table. And then I would move into the living room and we didn't have a big house that was like, we had the kitchen, the living room and a bedroom. And then when dinner was over and she would go into the living room, then it would be a problem that my books were in the living room. And then I was just screaming about where my books were and it made me not want to bring my homework home. So I went to night school and just for the reason of having a place where I could have my books without being yelled at. So, I mean, she, my mom definitely yelled about anything and everything. So it's also, yeah, I really, really want to stop now.

Okay. And do you remember what that experience was like for you? Was it scary? Was it confusing?

I mean, I guess I was also, yeah, I was confused because it's like, okay, well, when can I do my homework? She wants me to have good grades, but then doesn't enable me to actually work to get good grades. I wouldn't say I was ever scared of my mom, but I definitely walked on eggshells. And I still feel that when I'm at home is that I'm walking on eggshells with mom because I don't want her to snap.

Yeah. Wait, what's an example of, you said that even when you go home now, it seems that they're still yelling. Is there an example that sticks out in your mind of something that's happened recently?

Just how she has reacted to my kids. And we're like, and now she doesn't maybe snap so much, but she complains about my kids and she complains that, oh, I don't get enough time to be with them. And then when she is with them, she chooses to do other things. And then she complains this, oh, it's always my fault. It's my fault that she doesn't have a, that my kids don't want to come and give her hugs. The first thing they do, it's my fault that she doesn't know my kids. Well, it's my fault that when we are visiting that they don't want to spend time with her because, yeah, it's just, uh, but then she doesn't ever take initiative to do anything with her kids either. And when we suggest, hey, you can do this and this, then it's so, yeah, she doesn't like outright yell at our kids, but she does still snap at me.

Okay. And what goes through your mind when she snaps at you?

Well, now it's like, okay. I don't even really like, I try not to let it get to me, but it does get to me. I realized that, okay, like this is not a reasonable reaction. You can't always blame me for everything, but it's still kind of, it's still hurts. It's still like, uh, we were there for three weeks right after my daughter was born. And then like at the beginning, she wants to do all these things. And then she doesn't, she chooses to do other things instead of spending time with her grand kids. And then on the last day she's like, oh, I didn't get a chance to spend time with my grandchildren. Okay. But this time it's actually not my fault because I have set up a time where you can actually spend time with your grandkids. Yeah.

Okay. So, this idea of fault, whose fault is it seems to run through a lot of these interactions with your mom, with your kids, with yourself, right? Like I look back, I didn't have a traumatic childhood. So, right? So, there's this undercurrent of, well, therefore it's my fault that this yelling is happening.

And I suppose that I shouldn't really blame anyone. Yeah. It isn't anyone's fault. I think that my mom maybe had some unresolved things that she hasn't dealt with.

That was my mind was going there. I have to say, yes, you haven't mentioned another parent yet. Um, I'm curious as to how that showed up in her life as well as yours.

Yeah. My parents separated when I was really small and then she had full custody of them. My dad, I have a great relationship with now. It's a lot easier with him. Yeah. But we didn't live with him growing up.

Yeah. Yeah. And she may well have had her own hopes and dreams for what she thought being a parent was going to be like, what being a spouse was going to be like. Her own trauma from her own childhood all showing up. Was she working as well?

Not much.

Okay.

But yeah, a little bit. Yeah.

Yeah. And living in a small space, you said with not much space to, to spread around. And so I can see that you can understand up here, right? And your head, this isn't anyone's fault. It's not her fault that she yelled. It's not my fault today, but what we're missing is it's showing up here, right? Um, in your body, because when we take on ideas in our body, then the way that we do things actually shifts. It's not just, I have to remind myself, it's not my fault. It's not my fault. What comes up when I say that?

I mean, I know it's true. It's just like, yeah, it's hard to apply all the time, but yeah, I do know it's true. And I thought had like gone back to my childhood and realize, okay, it wasn't my fault. And I, but it does, of course it impacts how I am now, even if I really don't want it to.

Yes. Yeah. And that's the case for all of us, right? We're all carrying all of this stuff that we've accumulated throughout our lives and it shows up today. And our challenge as parents right now in this moment is to try to see that with somewhat clear eyes without kind of thinking, well, there's nothing I can do about that. It's already happened. I can't change it, which is true. It's already happened. You can't change it. But shifting how we relate to what has happened so that we don't have to carry as heavily as we are right now. And I'm thinking about a parent who on the first day of the Taming Your Triggers workshop came into the workshop and saw all these hundreds of parents introducing themselves as I'm such and such. I've tried so hard to stop being triggered at my kids and I just can't figure it out. And all of a sudden that non-cognitive shift happened, right? It wasn't I'm convincing myself here. It's now I see my mom as any one of these parents doing the exact same thing, right? And with all of her unresolved trauma, with all the things that she was struggling with. And all of a sudden, I'm not convincing myself to forgive her. It's like I am forgiveness, right? I can be forgiveness. And that's not something I can tell you like a recipe. Like do these three things and it will happen, which is unfortunate and I think sometimes can feel discouraging. But when we show up with this stuff with a commitment to kind of try to look at it with clear eyes without laying blame, it's not her fault and it's also not my fault. And it is my responsibility to try to do things differently. What happens when I come at it from that place? What becomes possible that might not be possible before? Wait, it looks like you want to say something. What shifted for you in that?

Yeah, no, I mean like I definitely think just reflecting on it helps me. And being aware like when I think about, okay, I want to, I don't want to be this version of myself. I don't like it. Okay, what can I do to not be that? Just that reflection, I think is really important for me and for my kids and to take the time to actually do that reflection, which doesn't happen every day.

Yes, you're here. And it's happening now. And so I guess I want to sort of make this super practical for some things we can actually try differently. And so coming back to the example that happened this afternoon where you're, you know, you're on the bikes and Freya falls off and hurts herself and you're snapping, you know, come on, Freya. What happened after that in your mind?

You mean after I snapped at her?

After you snapped.

Yeah, I felt really bad. I did it again.

Yeah. Was there any more storytelling coming out of that about how you try to make it stop and you, you can't make it stop or what impact this is having on your relationship? Was there any sort of extension of that, that feeling bad about it?

I mean, I definitely felt bad. Okay. I have to fix this now. I have to like, and so then I went to her and I'm like, okay, I'm sorry. I really, I didn't mean to snap. I realized that you felt like, now can we get going?

What was her response to that?

Okay. And then she got on the bike and biked away.

Yeah. Yeah. And, and I hundred percent acknowledge that was a super tricky situation because you had two other kids and everybody was hungry. Right. And so a couple of things to try, right. If I can offer a couple of things to try, the first would be maybe bringing snacks when picking them up.

Right. We need a little more than snacks. We had snacks. That was the problem we needed before, before leaving the house again. But yeah.

Yeah. So to the extent that we can, right. The more that we can make sure those basic needs are covered, the more capacity we have, which is why I started off by asking you about sleep, about movement, and you already identified when I don't get enough movement, I snap more. So just seeing those patterns and realizing, okay, I haven't had any movement in X number of days, right? Whatever your baseline is. My baseline is like one long bike ride a week and one other kind of workout. That's my bare minimum. And if I'm not getting that bare minimum, I'm not in a good place. So what is your baseline? And are you getting that on a regular basis? And if not, what could shift to help you get that on a more regular basis?

Yeah, I guess my baseline is like three to four times a week of pretty intense exercise and I haven't been getting it because I have a broken rib. So it makes it a little difficult to, yeah. I broke it coughing when I was sick. It's like the most ridiculous way of breaking a rib. It wasn't even a fun story. So no, I haven't been, I guess I have also, it goes hand in hand with like, I've been snapping more lately. I haven't been able to exercise. And I mean, there's lots of things I could do that aren't as strenuous. I could go for walks. I could go for like bike rides around that take it easy and stuff. It's just, everything takes time. And I feel like, yeah.

And I'm going to offer that you're spending the time either way. That's true. You're spending the time with Freya having a meltdown and you feeling crappy about it and thinking about how do I get this to stop, right? Or you're spending it going for a bike ride. And when you go for that bike ride or the walk or whatever it is, you're better able to show up in that moment, in the moments when she falls off, in the moments when other things happen. Maybe even when all of you are hungry, which is admittedly still super challenging because your baseline needs are met.

Yeah, that's true.

I am wondering if you would be willing to work with your partner to identify when could this actually happen and put it on the calendar.

Yeah, he is very much for me exercising. I just have to basically tell him when and where and he'll fix it for me. He's also happier when I'm exercising.

Yeah. Okay, great. You've got a resource there, right? A resource is anything that you have that can help you. A friend, a family member, even exercising itself for you is a resource. We're drawing on one resource to help you get another resource that helps you be more resourced in those moments. Making sure that you're getting that more regular movement I really think is really important. And then I also think on the what happens after that moment is important too. And what are you telling yourself that's in that moment? And can you find some degree of self-compassion in those moments? Rather than, you know, I messed this up again. I have to fix this thing. What's going to happen if I don't fix this thing, right? Sometimes we catastrophize and how is this going to impact our relationship and all that stuff. If instead, can we bring a sense of self-compassion and say, well, that was hard. Any parent would have struggled in that situation. This is not a failing that's unique to me. This is a challenging situation. And how would I speak to a close, dear friend of mine who called me this evening and said, I was riding up a hill, my kid refused to go up the hill and then she fell off her bike and I said that thing to her. And then I felt really bad about it afterwards. What kind of thing would you say to that friend?

I would say it's a very little situation and your kid is going to be fine. Maybe not like that. I mean, I would understand that. I would have, from my experience, I would be able to relate that it's hard in situations like that and give empathy anyways.

Yeah. That empathy is the critical part.

Yeah. And that you're not a bad parent for snapping once. But it's a lot easier when it's to someone else than it is to yourself.

Yes. And so what I'm going to encourage you to do is to either think it through if you can, but it's always more powerful if you write actually. And imagine writing a note to a friend who has just done the thing that you have done with your kid, right? And this is obviously not the moment you're sitting on the hill trying to get to wherever you're going, but maybe later that night. And writing a note to that friend saying by offering empathy and saying what you think that friend would want to hear and then trying to read that note directed towards yourself.

Yeah, I can do that.

Okay. Because it's going to be really hard to make a big shift without being able to treat yourself with empathy.

I think that's what I have to work on is to not like go and catastrophize right away. Oh, you're a bad mother. You did it again. That's yeah. I think that's what I really need to work on is to. Yeah.

Yeah. And it's not super surprising that you would find that hard because chances are whenever you were young and you messed something up, what happened?

I was young then. Yeah. So it was always not always my fault. I experienced or like in my mind, I was always told it was me.

Yes. Yeah. And what a shock that when something happens today that you perceive it as being your fault and you talk to yourself in your mother's voice, telling yourself it's your fault.

I should really not have her voice in my head. It would help a lot if that wasn't there.

Yeah. Yeah. And so there are more steps involved in this. But for right now, what I would love to see you start to do if you're willing is to try to see that happening. Right. To see it happening in your interactions with her, as well as just your interactions with yourself and try to separate out the idea that this is not about you, mom. You have your stuff. I know you've had a hard time. To some extent, you're still having a hard time. And that's what this is about, when you criticize me and say, well, you never bring my grandkids over, so I have no kind of relationship with them. That's not really about me. That's more about you, right. When you're thinking, oh, I'm a bad parent, I'm messing them up, right. What comes up in your body when you have that thought? I'm a bad parent. What does that feel? Where does it feel in your body?

Sadness. Across my chest, I suppose. It starts in my chest and then radiates out.

Yeah. OK. Because being a good parent is important to you, right? Showing up in a way that's aligned with your values is important to you.

Of course. Yeah.

And I want to kind of leave you with one more thing to try, which is OK. So kind of bringing to mind that idea, I'm a bad parent, noticing that that sensation in your chest radiating out and then just inserting the words, “I'm thinking that I'm a bad parent.” “I'm thinking that I'm a bad parent.” Does anything shift when you do that?

Well, then it's a thought that can go away versus a personality trait that I am.

Yeah. Yeah. And thoughts come and go. They're just little electrical signals buzzing around in our brains. They're not the truth.

And so it's a lot easier to let go of a thought than it is to let go of a personality trait.

Yes. Yeah. And it does not it does not define you. It's not an inherent part of who you are. And maybe that “I'm thinking that” will help you then access that self-compassion. It's not true that I'm a bad parent. I'm thinking I'm a bad parent. How would I express compassion towards someone who's thinking that they're a bad parent?

Yeah.

Is there anything else you'd like to ask or say to feel complete?

I think this is really helpful. Really, really helpful. Yeah. Thank you so much.

Yeah, you're so welcome. Thanks for trusting us with that. I so appreciate it.

So in this coaching session with Terese, we uncovered several important pieces of her triggering pattern. We saw how her mom's constant yelling created a voice in Terese's head that says, “it's your fault” whenever something goes wrong. We explored how that voice shows up both in her relationship with her mom today, and in the way she talks to herself after she snaps at her kids. We also looked at some practical strategies, how exercise is a crucial resource for Terese that she'd been missing due to a broken rib, and how her partner could help make that happen. We talked about the importance of self-compassion and how to shift from I'm a bad parent to I'm thinking that I'm a bad parent, because thoughts come and go, but identity seems more permanent. Most importantly, we saw how we don't have to have experienced major trauma to have our past show up in our parenting, because sometimes it really is those smaller repeated patterns that shape us most deeply. I also want you to know I've never met Terese before. I didn't know anything about her story. I do think therapy can be an incredibly useful tool, and also it can be incredibly time-consuming.

When I've been to therapy in the past, we've sometimes spent the first three sessions with me just giving my life history so the therapist can understand where I'm coming from. We did very little of that in this session with Terese, and instead, in a little less than 30 minutes, we uncovered the source of these triggered feelings that Terese thought that she had no right to have, and identified some concrete strategies she can use to widen her window of tolerance with her kids. And it wasn't only Terese who benefited from this exploration. One of the other parents on the call shared that the reminder about thoughts coming and going was powerful for her as well, especially the idea that I'm a bad parent is just a thought rather than a truth. The other participants could see themselves in parts of Terese's experience, even though their specific situations were different, which meant they were able to apply the insights and the tools as well, even though they weren't being coached directly. So if you want to use some of the tools that Terese has found so helpful in our session, here are some things that you could try.

First, notice your baseline needs for movement, for sleep, for food. Terese realized that she snaps more when she hasn't exercised, and her baseline is three to four intense workouts per week. What's your baseline? When you haven't met those basic needs, you have much less capacity for everything else. Second, try practicing self-compassion after you've been triggered. So you might write a note to a dear friend who just did exactly what you did with your child. What would you say to comfort and support that friend? And then try reading that note addressed to yourself. This can help break the cycle of self-criticism that often makes us more likely to snap again. Third, when you catch yourself thinking whatever is your version of, I'm a terrible parent, try adding the words “I'm thinking that” in front of it. So it becomes “I'm thinking that” I'm a terrible parent. And notice how that feels different in your body.

Thoughts come and they're not permanent truths about who you are. So if Terese's story resonated with you, or if you're ready to do this kind of work on your own triggers, the Taming Your Triggers workshop is now open for enrollment. You'll get a short doable module of content once a week for 10 weeks, and access to the kind of community that will help you process what you're learning. For the very first time, everyone who enrolls gets to join me live for group coaching calls every other Tuesday at 11am or 5pm pacific to support parents in different time zones around the world. We have sliding scale pricing and a complete money back guarantee. Don't get that with therapy. Just think, by the time the holidays get here in a few weeks, you could be way less triggered by your kids, your partner, and maybe even your own parents as well. You can find all the details and sign up at yourparentingmojo.com/tamingyourtriggers.

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