Your Temperament Assessment Quiz Results
Thanks for taking the Temperament Assessment Quiz! Here are your results, plotted on a chart so you can see more easily the areas of overlap and difference between your temperament and your child’s temperament:
Your Child's Results
Your Results
It can be really tempting to wonder if you can change your child’s temperament so it will be easier for you to cope with them. This can seem like the most obvious approach...until we imagine what it might be like if someone tried to change our temperament. That change in perspective can help us to see firstly that we might be able to support our child in developing some of the more socially desirable characteristics like approachability and persistence, to some extent we are who we are.
And secondly, if we imagine our own parents trying to change our temperament, we can imagine how rejected we might feel. Our temperament is so core to us as individuals that to be rejected by our parent because our temperament is different from theirs means they are fundamentally rejecting us as a human being - and the most critical input we need as children is our parent’s unquestioning acceptance.
So rather than try to come up with ways to try to change your child’s temperament, here are some ideas for how you can accept them as they are - while also supporting them in developing new skills and abilities:
1. For items where you score similarly to your child
In some areas you may have the same score as your child, or be within one point of your child’s score. This can be a ‘yay, we have something in common!’ moment, or (or, perhaps, and) it can also be a source of frustration.
When you have a score that’s similar to your child it can generate a deep sense of empathy for your child: you truly understand their experience, because it is so similar to your own. Where these qualities tend to fall on the ‘easy’ end of the scales (adapts quickly; mild reactions; positive mood…) this can make for very enjoyable days. But when these qualities fall at the more ‘difficult’ end of the spectrum (slow to adapt; strong reactions; negative mood…), you may find that you feed off each other’s negative energy.
It can be tempting to think “Well, I was fine until my child came along and if they didn’t push my buttons so much then I wouldn’t overreact!”
The key to recognize here is that our children are children. Their brains are still developing, and they cannot control their actions in the same way that we can. And it can be hard enough for us to control our emotions even with our fully developed brains! If we reframe how we think about our children’s responses from ‘they just did it to wind me up!’ to ‘they’re doing the best they can...what can I do to help them?,’ we are more likely to be able to de-escalate situations and have a cooperative relationship with our child.
2. For items where your scores are very different from your child’s
If you scored at opposite ends of some scales from your child, then your experience on that topic has likely been very different from your child’s, which can make it more difficult to empathize with your child.
In some cases you may find yourself absolutely exasperated by your child’s reactions: when you approach new situations but your child buries their head in your shoulder; when you are persistent and not districtable and your child is highly distractible and not at all persistent; when you prefer a low level of activity and your child bounces from one place to the next from sun-up to sun-down (and beyond!).
But scoring differently from your child also presents opportunities for you to scaffold their development.
If you adapt quickly to new situations and your child adapts very slowly, you can support them in developing the skills they need by slowly exposing them to more and more challenging situations. If you are highly persistent and your child is not, you can help them to see the small successes they’re experiencing along the way to a larger goal.
But where your difference in temperament (your child has high activity and irregularity; you have low activity and high regularity…) causes you to feel overwhelmed or exhausted by your child, try to also get some time apart so you can return to your child refreshed and ready to engage with them positively.
3. For items where you score ~2 points differently from your child
These are the items where you likely have some empathy for your child’s experience...but you’re also far enough apart that hopefully you aren’t feeding off each other’s negative energy.
Because you’re not totally aligned, you’ll probably need to do some work so you and your child can have a more cooperative relationship. Once again, while it’s tempting to see our child as the source of the friction that we might sometimes feel, it’s us - the adult - who has the fully-developed brain that can actually make some of the needed changes. I’m not saying you need to completely shift your personality for your child’s benefit, but rather that if you can give a little, and also teach your child about giving a little, that you might both end up having an easier time.
If you need more help navigating your child’s temperament, you may find these podcasts especially helpful:
Raising Your Spirited Child (you get to listen in on Mary Sheedy Kurcinka, who authored the book of the same name, giving a consult to a parent)
How to parent highly sensitive children
Regulating emotions: What, when, and how (and when - oh when! - can we expect our child not to do the things we’ve asked them not to do?)
I’ll also be in touch once a week or so with either a new podcast episode or a new blog post that draws together ideas across the podcast episodes - do send me an email at jen@yourparentingmojo.com if you ever have a question about parenting or child development that could form the basis of an episode!