056: Beyond “You’re OK!”: Modeling Emotion Regulation

We want our children to have the best chance to live fulfilling lives, but can you keep up with all the books and scientific research on parenting and fit the information into your own philosophy on how to raise kids? Welcome to Your Parenting Mojo, the podcast that does the work for you by investigating and examining respectful, research-based parenting tools to help kids thrive. Now, welcome your host, Jen Lumanlon. Hello, and welcome to the Your Parenting Mojo podcast. I want to start this episode by telling you a short story. I hear a huge crash. It's my favorite glass vase. I hear, I didn't mean to hurt it, mama. It just fell as I run full pelt from the other end of the house. It was a family heirloom passed down by my grandmother. I've asked her not to touch it a hundred times, and I am beyond furious. Please don't be mad, mama. It was an accident. I clench my teeth. I'm not mad, I say. So recently we talked through the first of the three ways that children learn about emotional regulation through our direct teaching. Things like saying, you're okay, when we can see they're clearly not. If you think about it, telling a child you're okay is an attempt to get them to suppress their emotions. While saying things like, I'm not mad, through clenched teeth, are an attempt to suppress yours. Now, why might we not want to do that? Recently, one of my podcast listeners emailed me with a question. He said, some parenting approaches slash experts advocate for remaining unruffled with children, and that we shouldn't let children's emotions impact our own, which allows us to stay unruffled. While others argue that parents should have and show their true feelings, because this is how children learn to understand their own and others' feelings, which is ultimately better for the child's development. When I started researching the answer to this question, I realized that it constitutes the second of three ways that children learn about emotional regulation through parental modeling. As I mentioned in our last episode in this series, the third way that children learn about emotional regulation is through the emotional climate of the family. And you can see our previous episodes on how parenting impacts child development, as well as impacts of conflicts and divorce on children for more information on that. So what can scientific research tell us about parental modeling of emotions? Well, we need to extrapolate a bit here because most of it has been done on couples and college students. We do know that social sharing of emotion through narrative and story is an important social skill, especially following an emotional episode. And self-disclosure is a critical component of intimate relationships. In a marriage, the practice of stonewalling, so suppressing the verbal, emotional, and backchannel behaviors like head nodding and eye contact, is linked to reduced marital satisfaction. Adults typically use one of two strategies to cope with stressful situations. They reappraise the situation to view it in a less stressful way, perhaps by taking an optimistic attitude, reinterpreting what they find stressful, and trying to get out of a bad mood rather than wallowing.

This is why a parent's emotional suppression is directly linked to less use of reappraisal strategies by children. Some say a mother's influence is more important. Other researchers say it's the father's. Perhaps we agree that both are important because they've watched their parents suppress emotions and they need to see reappraisal modeled to know how to use it. The old adage to be the person you want your child to become is literally true. It's hard to believe that something as simple as responding authentically to your child and allowing your child to respond authentically to you can have such a profound effect, but it really does. So what should parents do in the heat of the moment? If you'd like to try to model emotional reappraisal rather than emotional suppression for your child, you can consider taking the following steps. Firstly, learn some common signs of tension that might indicate you're about to get angry, whether it's because your child was careless and fell over, which is going to make you late if they don't hurry up, or for other reasons. These might include tightness in your throat or chest, shallow or rapid breathing, clenching your jaw, and or having negative thoughts about yourself or your child. When you notice these signs, pause, take a single breath and ask yourself how you can best respond to your child in a way that honors both your and your child's needs. If your child fell, look for their reaction. If they're not crying, perhaps you don't need to say anything at all and a shared look would suffice. If possible, reframe your emotions into a more empathetic state, which assumes the child's best intention. So she was interested in the vase. She was probably trying to be gentle with it and it slipped. She didn't mean to break it. Then respond in a way that displays your true emotions, but doesn't minimize or try to suppress your child's emotions. So let me reimagine the story that I told at the beginning of this episode. I hear a huge crash. It's my favorite glass vase. I hear, I didn't mean to hurt it, mama. It just fell as I run full pelt from the other end of the house. It was a family heirloom passed down by my grandmother. I've asked her not to touch it a hundred times. I pause and take a deep breath and use that time to set an intention. The two things that are more important right now than the vase, which cannot be brought back is firstly, helping my daughter to learn something from this experience. And secondly, using it to positively rather than negatively impact our relationship.

So I say, oh, Carys, the vase is broken. That makes me so sad. Which is true because my anger turned to sadness during that one breath pause. It was a gift from my grandma. What happened? And then she might say, I was just touching it because it was so pretty and it fell. And then very gently I could say, didn't you remember that we talked about not touching it? And then she would probably say, yes, but it was so pretty. And then she would probably start crying if she wasn't crying already. And then I could say, oh dear, do you want to come sit on my lap? And then she could just sit there for a few minutes and I would hold her and comfort her and she would cry. And I would say something like, I'm here for you, but I wouldn't make any attempt to stop her from crying. And then after her crying decreases in intensity, I could say, can you tell me why you're crying? And she might say, I'm sad because the vase broke and I thought you would yell at me. And then I could say, I'm sorry you thought I would yell at you. I know I sometimes do. And I really do try not to. It scares you when I yell at you, right? And she'd say, yeah. And I would say, well, I'm trying to do better. I am really disappointed the vase got broken because I love my grandma and I don't have many things to remember her by. How are you feeling right now? And she would probably say, I'm feeling sad. And then I could say, I'm sorry you're sad. Is there anything I can do to help you feel better? And as we discussed in the last episode, for very young children, you might have to supply a couple of options that they can choose between because they may not be able to think of or articulate their own ideas, particularly in an emotional moment. So then she would say, would you show me your grandma's picture in your photo album from when you were a little girl? Because my daughter does love to do that. And I could say, I would love to do that. Should we get the one from when we visited her when you were a tiny baby and you burped when she was holding you and it made her laugh? And she would probably say, yeah. And she would run off and go and get the album. When you have some more time to think about this, when you're not in the thick of the moment, you can consider that reappraising your own emotions before you get stressed by something your child is doing or saying is a really powerful technique, but it can be really hard to do in the moment. The pause before responding is absolutely critical to giving you the time to do this. So to get in the habit, you could consider instituting a pause before you respond to your child in other ways as well. For example, before you say no to your child, this can allow you a moment to decide whether you really do need to say no or whether you could say yes instead. Secondly, we all know that spanking neither increases children's compliance with parents nor supports their emotional development. Then we were told that yelling is just as bad as spanking by researchers. Now we know that if we get angry and cover it up, our child might not learn how to regulate their own emotions. If you find yourself getting angry a lot, do try and get help for yourself. Don't forget to put on your own oxygen mask before helping others. And the final hint is to cultivate a practice of mindfulness. This was the same as we mentioned in the last episode on this topic, being present in and experiencing the moment right now, which can help you to institute that all-important pause as well as develop your own healthy emotional regulation skills. Thanks again for listening. The references for today's episode can be found on my website at yourparentingmojo.com forward slash reappraising.

And please do drop me a line at jen@yourparentingmojo.com if you have any thoughts about this trial of a shorter episode format. Thanks for joining us on this episode of Your Parenting Mojo. Please subscribe, rate, and review the show on iTunes and sign up for our mailing list at yourparentingmojo.com to receive a free gift. Seven relationship-based strategies to support your children's development while making parenting just a little bit easier on you. For more respectful, research-based parenting ideas to help kids thrive, we'll see you next time on Your Parenting Mojo.