SYPM 012: From fear-filled conflict to parenting as a team

“You’re doing it wrong!  You’re not asking for consent before changing the diaper!”


In this Sharing Your Parenting Mojo episode we meet parent Nicole, who has core values related to being empathic, constantly learning, and upholding justice in the world.  These awesome values came together in a difficult way when Nicole became a parent: she had a deep fear of not getting parenting right, so she was constantly reading and trying to find that one piece of information that would close the gap between her struggles and the kind of parent she wanted to be.


The stress of parenting an infant brought out a controlling side of her where she attempted to script every aspect of her (and her husband’s) interactions with her child, thinking they had already screwed up parenting because he hadn’t asked their child’s consent before changing her diaper.


Nicole was raised by a single parent who had had a traumatic upbringing, and Nicole grew up sometimes feeling scared by her mother’s oversized reactions to normal childhood behavior.  She knew she wanted more for her children – but didn’t know what to do.  Over the last year she’s been working on ‘reparenting’ herself so she doesn’t have to parent from a place of fear any more, and can relax into understanding her children’s feelings – and her own and her partner’s feelings as well.


Want to get a taste of what it’s like to work with directly with me?  Join the FREE Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits workshop – we start Monday April 26!  Sign up below:



Jump to highlights:
  • (03:19) Nicole’s background
  • (04:36) Nicole’s parenting beliefs and values
  • (06:31) Teaching respect by giving respect
  • (08:07) Fear and anxiety of not getting parenting right
  • (09:32) How inter generational trauma show up in your family
  • (11:37) The unexpected reparenting piece
  • (13:35) How talking about death with children led Nicole to my work
  • (15:13) Nicole’s experience with the Parenting Membership
  • (18:32) What shifted in Nicole’s that made her decide to take the Membership
  • (19:17) Realizing the most unconditional thing you can do for your kids
  • (20:12) Relationships our complex yet we don’t think that way when it comes to our relationship with our children
  • (21:08) Nicole’s incredible example of how she shows up for her children and handles things differently now compared to before
  • (24:45) Becoming more confident in parenting
  • (26:09) Having the language to talk about our needs
  • (28:39) How Nicole and her husband wants to model conflict to their children
  • (34:44) Wrapping up


Resource links:




About the author, Jen

Jen Lumanlan (M.S., M.Ed.) hosts the Your Parenting Mojo podcast (, which examines scientific research related to child development through the lens of respectful parenting.

Her Finding Your Parenting Mojo membership group supports parents in putting the research into action in their real lives, with their real families. Find more info at

She also launched the most comprehensive course available to help parents decide whether homeschooling could be right for their family. Find out more about it – and take a free seven-question quiz to get a personalized assessment of your own homeschooling readiness at

And for parents who are committed to public school but recognize the limitations in that system, she has a course to help support children's learning in school at

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