An age-by-age guide to teaching your child to share

Key Takeaways

1. Most children develop sharing abilities around 3.5-4 years old, not at 1-2 years as many parents expect.
2. Use “taking turns” instead of “sharing” and model sharing behavior yourself rather than forcing children to give up toys.
3. Children under 3 lack understanding of others’ perspectives and time concepts, making sharing difficult developmentally.
4. Forcing sharing teaches obedience, not genuine sharing. Focus on supporting turn-taking and respecting ownership.
5. Normal sharing behavior by age looks like: Before 3: parallel play; Ages 3-5: increased interest in sharing; Age 5+: most sharing conflicts resolve naturally.

 

Child 1: “Nooooooo, it’s mine!”

Child 2: “I want it!” [Grabs for the toy]

Child 1: [Hangs on tight and won’t let go]

Child 2: [Hits Child 1]

How many parents have ever been in that scenario?

(I’d be surprised if any of you haven’t.)

And how many parents are sick of hearing it?

(I’d be surprised if any of you who have more than one child aren’t…)

 

Young children find sharing difficult!

We know that children develop the mental skills needed to engage in sharing behavior over time, and yet we find ourselves in a pickle over sharing all the time.  Our own children take things from each other.  Our child takes something from another child at preschool.  Someone else’s child takes something from our child at the park.

 

When it’s just our own children at home, we might just step in and say: “Well if you can’t stop fighting over it, I’m just going to take it away so neither of you can have it.”  In a public place, we immediately find ourselves getting hot and anxious.  We see other parents watching and we worry that they’re judging our children – and our parenting. 

 

Being judged is hard, right?

 

We also get ourselves in trouble when we expect children to be able to share before they’re developmentally ready.  Many parents expect their one- or two-year-olds to be able to share, when most children don’t develop the mental ability to be able to do this until at least 3.5-4.  

 

So how should we handle these types of situations?

Our goals in raising our children are important here.  We also have to understand what is developmentally appropriate by age.

 

Parents in Eurocentric cultures are usually trying to socialize their children (especially girls) to be liked by others, and adults see this sharing behavior as an indication that their child will be liked.  We also want them to share with others spontaneously, of their own volition: because we (in our society) think it’s the right thing to do, and not just because someone is telling them to do it.

 

Parents in different cultures use a variety of approaches at home to encourage sharing.  In cultures where individualism is less pronounced and members of society are interdependent, parents may state that there are no privately owned toys: all toys belong to all the children in a household.

 

Teachers in Japanese preschools may start the school year with several of a usually-favored toy, and over the course of a few months they withdraw some of these to ‘force’ children to figure out arrangements to share the toys.

 

At the more individualistic-oriented end of the spectrum, parents who follow the Resources for Infant Educarers (RIE) approach to parenting might have separate gated areas within their house where children spend some portion of the day when they are not actively supervised.

 

When the children are in the same space the parent is close by, narrating what the children are doing during tricky situations: “Maria, you’re playing with the truck.  Nate would like to play as well.  When you’re done with the truck, please let us know because Nate is waiting.”  Maria might continue to play with the truck for some minutes but quite often she will voluntarily offer the truck to Nate sooner than you might expect, because there was no pressure on her to share and she was able to do it while saving face.

 

We should also acknowledge that, most of the time, we say “sharing” when we don’t really mean it: children are “sharing” when they split a banana or a cookie.  “Sharing” a toy really means “giving up the thing you have and really want to keep to someone else” – a concept that young children can find confusing and irritating.  When they have little understanding of how time works, toddlers know they have the toy now, and if they give the toy up they can’t understand how long it will be until they get it back again. 

 

Using the phrase “taking turns” rather than “sharing” can help a child understand what is expected of them much more easily.  “Taking turns” helps the child to see that they will get the toy back again.

 

When do kids learn to share?

Any discussion of sharing by age will, of course, depend on your child’s own temperament, experience with sharing, and development.  So feel free to ‘size up’ or ‘size down’ depending on your child’s own abilities and experience.

 

Before age ~3

Very young toddlers don’t understand the concept of sharing very well.  Some studies have found that a child as young as 10-12 months will bring toys or offer food to parents in apparent acts of sharing, but they are likely seeking a positive reaction or approval from the parent, or it may be part of how the two play together, or they might even be trying to keep a toy away from a sibling.  Many children will hold out an object as if to share it and then withdraw it, as they test what happens during social interactions.

 

By around age two, children can usually understand the concept of ownership.  They’ve likely been told many times by then: “No, we can’t use that item – it isn’t ours.”  

 

The opposite of “not mine” is “mine,” and will begin to protest their own toys being taken away more than neutral toys.  But they have very little understanding of how others think.  They don’t know that the other child doesn’t know they want the toy if the other child didn’t ask directly, which is why you find yourself in the following exchange:

 

“I want the toy!  Johnny won’t give it to me!”

 

“Well, did you ask him for a turn?”

 

“Noooooooo…”.

 

Parents’ tasks at this age focus around modelling sharing behaviors: “I’m going to have a cookie.  Would you like to share it with me?” or “You have a lot of toys there.  Would you mind if I use it now, please?  Thanks!  We’re sharing!”

 

You can set your child up for success by not taking favorite toys to playdates (and by putting these away for playdates at your home), and by playing outdoors where there are lots of “toys” (sticks, rocks, sand, and the like).

 

Outside of situations where sharing is required, you can support the development of these capabilities by encouraging your child to name their own feelings and the feelings of other people and characters in books.  Many young children can recognize facial expressions but may not understand what emotions go with those expressions.  Their vocabulary around emotions might initially be limited to “happy” and “sad,” so introduce them to the names for other emotions as well.  Expand both of your vocabularies using a feelings list – there’s a printable version available, as well as a picture-based option for pre-readers.

 

Importantly, parents are NOT telling children to share, or forcing one child to give up an item so another child can play with it.  This just teaches children that a strong person can force a smaller person to give something up, which isn’t the lesson we want them to take from this interaction.  We can tell children to share, but if they do offer up their toy then they’ve learned how to be obedient, not how to share.  

 

In a public place, sit close to the children to block any hits that may occur.  Talk them through what you see: “I see Maria is reaching for the toy.  Luca, are you still playing with it?  Luca is holding on tightly to the toy.  I don’t think he’s done yet.  What can we do while we wait, Maria?”

 

Age ~3 to ~5

Around this age children become much more interested in playing together rather than ‘parallel playing’ next to each other, so sharing suddenly becomes relevant: a child who doesn’t share might find that their friend doesn’t want to play with them again tomorrow.  Children are also starting to develop the capability to understand what others think and want, and can take a short break from their own play to consider that another child might want the toy they currently have.

 

Their concept of time is evolving over this period too; at around age 3 they might still be focused entirely on the present and cannot foresee “five minutes from now” when they can have the toy.  You can scaffold this knowledge by being honest about time: don’t say you’ll be there “in a minute” or “in just a sec” when you know it’s actually going to be at least five: say “I’ll be there in five minutes, which is when the big hand on the clock reaches the four.”

 

They are also developing some impulse control: the ability to wait and not just grab what they want, which is an enormous help with sharing.  Parents can scaffold this ability by empathizing: “I know you want to play with the truck.  Maria has it right now.  It can be hard to wait.  When Maria has finished, you can have the truck.”  You can also suggest other toys the child might want to play with while they are waiting.

 

By this time the child might have a new sibling and you may find you need new strategies to deal with sharing than you had used with an only child.  You may decide that all toys belong to everyone, or each child has a special few toys that they keep aside, or (if the age difference is pronounced) that small toys need to be kept away from baby and large toys are fair game for anyone as long as they aren’t currently being used.  

 

If the child is old enough, you can involve them in the process of deciding how to keep baby safe.  If both children are old enough, they can both have input into what strategies they want to use for preferred toys.

 

You can begin to scaffold the development of sharing strategies: things like taking turns, setting a timer, playing with another toy while waiting, and playing with the toy together.  In the beginning you might need to suggest these strategies but over time, children will use these by themselves and will develop their own strategies too.

 

It’s important that the children involved agree to the strategies, rather than having you (or the older/bigger child) impose them, so the smaller/younger child gets to understand that their needs are important too.  The child who has the toy should also have the option to say “I’m using this right now.  I don’t want you to play with it.”

 

In public places, where a conflict between children is brewing, you might ask the other parent “Are you OK with letting them work it out by themselves?”  You may still want to move in closer so you can support the children by narrating what you see if they’re having a hard time.

 

Age 5+

Hopefully by this age you’re starting to reap the benefits of the work you’ve put in thus far as the children become more able to use the skills you’ve been working on.  The child may have a few very special possessions that they don’t want others to play with – special Lego structures, for example – which works in most families as long as there’s enough Lego to go around.  

 

If you’re still not seeing sharing behavior by this point, it might be time to step in with some new tools.  You could role-play with your child: play alongside them, and when they ask you if they can use something that’s already in your hands, say ‘No, I’d like to keep playing with it.’  Then talk about how the child feels, and how their friend probably feels in a similar situation.

 

You might be tempted to praise “good sharing” when you see it, but a whole host of research suggests we should resist doing this. Children are less likely to engage in an activity again after being praised for it, and are especially less likely to do the activity spontaneously (i.e. without first looking around to see if a suitable adult is watching).  If you feel you need to reinforce the benefits of sharing, focus on the impact on the other child: “Carly looked so happy when you gave her the toy!  She waited so patiently, and you gave it to her right when the timer went off, just like you said you would.”

 

Most of all, have confidence that your child will learn to share when they are ready!

 

For a deeper dive on sharing, check out my podcast episode on this topic.  You’ll learn:

• The concept of altruism as distinct from sharing
• More specific research findings about sharing behavior
• The concept of ownership development, including when children recognize their own possessions versus others’
• Alfie Kohn’s theories and specific research studies on intrinsic motivation

 

Frequently Asked Questions About Sharing

1. Should I force my child to share?
Forcing sharing teaches obedience, rather than genuine sharing. Instead, focus on supporting turn-taking with toys.  It’s OK to put some highly prized toys away during a playdate!

 

2. How do I handle sharing conflicts in public?
Stay close, narrate what’s happening (“I see two children who both want the bucket…”, and guide children in resolving conflicts. If needed, check with the other parent before intervening.

 

3. What’s the best way to handle sibling toy fights?
Sibling toy fights are almost never about the toys!  You may buy two of everything and find that they still fight.  Instead, consider what needs each child has, and whether these are currently being met.  They will likely fight less once their needs – especially for connection – are met more regularly.

 

4. Does praising sharing help kids do it more?
Overpraising can backfire – it may make children more likely to share when an adult is present to observe their ‘good sharing,’ but when the adult (or the praise) is absent, the sharing behavior disappears. Instead of praising sharing, you could (1) say nothing; or (2) observing the impact of sharing on the other child: “Rosa is smiling!  I think she appreciates getting a turn with the truck.”  Try framing your observation as an idea rather than a fact (so, not: “Rosa is happy she’s getting a turn with the truck!”) because you don’t know for certain that Rosa is feeling happy.

 

How do you set effective limits on your child’s challenging behaviors?

When parents are having a hard time with their kids’ sharing behavior, there are often other challenges happening as well.  If your child is doing things like:

• Having tantrums
• Talking back
• Stalling, so daily tasks take forrreeeevvveeerrr
• Biting/hitting/kicking
• Using mean words

 

…then help is here!  Thousands of parents have taken my Setting Loving & Effective Limits workshop and have discovered how to set limits their kids will respect – and also set way fewer limits than they ever thought possible.

 

By joining the workshop, you’ll discover:

• The 10-minute practice that makes your child want to cooperate with you
• Ways to cut the number of limits set by at least half – without letting your child walk all over you or becoming a permissive parent
• How to stop arguing, tantrumming, yelling, disrespectful tone, ignoring you – as well as bickering, hitting, and fighting between siblings!

 

It’s available in two different forms:

• Mid-May to Mid-March each year: Take the course at your own pace
• Mid-March to Mid-May each year: Sign up and take the course with my support in early May!

 

Click the image below to learn more and sign up: