259: Understanding Why Your Child Hits (And What Actually Helps)

What happens is like, you know, he's, he's a really like high energy kid, but he's also very shy, just outside right. So when he's with me, I feel he feels a lot of freedom and stuff. So, you know, he will just come casually and like, you know, hit me or even like the way he sometimes like shows love will be like, he'll come and like hug me really like, and like, just literally just push me or even like, that's one example right. And then the other example is like, you know, he will really insist, Oh, I want a chocolate every single time I pick him up. And I tried to say no.

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Hello and welcome to the Your Parenting Mojo podcast. I'm deep into a cold at the moment, unfortunately, but it's recording day. So here we are. Have you ever wondered why your child was hitting for no reason? Maybe it happens when they seem super happy or excited. Sometimes it comes out of nowhere and everything seems like it's going fine. Today's coaching call is with a parent who's going through a really difficult divorce to the extent that she actually asked me not to share her name publicly. But I think this is important because even if you're not going through a separation, the tools that we're using in this call work for any challenging behavior, because when kids hit, there is always a reason. It might be stress in the family, a new sibling, a new preschool, even a new teacher. It might be a need for connection or autonomy that they don't know how to express in another way yet. The parent I'm coaching today is new to my work. So if you're fairly new to it, too, you'll get a good orientation to feelings and needs and how they show up for us and for our kids as well. And then you can look underneath the behavior you're seeing to find out what needs your child is trying to express through that behavior. And then you can help them to meet their needs in a way that actually works for both of you. This parent is dealing with a lot. Contentious custody battle concerns about being a good parent when everything else around them seems very chaotic. And a child who hits when he's joyful and asks for chocolate every single time she picks him up from daycare. Even if your situation is nothing like hers, you're going to hear strategies you can use today. Things like how to figure out what need your child is trying to meet, how to support yourself so you can show up better for your child, and how to set boundaries in a way that actually helps rather than creating more conflict. So whether you're dealing with hitting, demands for treats or any other behavior that's worrying or annoying, or maybe both, this one is for you. And if you're feeling triggered by your child's behavior, this is super common, especially when you're stretched thin. Like this parent.

I want to make sure you know that I have a Why You're So Angry with Your Child's Age-Appropriate Behavior and What to Do About It masterclass that's available anytime. You'll get a 13-page workbook to help you identify the sources of your big reactions, a short video to help you complete the workbook. You'll watch me coach parents through real-world relatable challenges like resistance to daily routines, when multiple people have needs that seem to compete, and why you have such big reactions to things that don't seem like they should be a big deal. All of that's available anytime for just $27. But when you sign up right now, there's a special bonus. You'll get invited to a coaching call with me at 10 am Pacific on Friday, February 20th, twenty-twenty six. Where you can get coaching about your specific challenge. We will record the session if you can't attend live, but you'll definitely get more out of it in person. You can sign up for the masterclass with the workbook, the video, the recorded coaching, and the live coaching session at yourparentingmojo.com/triggersmasterclass. That's yourparentingmojo.com/triggersmasterclass. All right, let's get into our coaching session on kids hitting.

So basically, my son is three and a half, and when he was born, since his birth, you know, at least I as a mother feel that he's had a troubled, he has troubles like he had feeding issues for the first year, and on like almost two years, and then we had like a lot of like abuse in the house going on, and we are going through a really extremely high conflict custody battle and divorce right now. And yeah, so that's the reason why I was like, you know, don't use my name or picture. But anyways, so the context here is that, you know, as a mother, I feel very sorry that my son is going through a lot of this, right. And that means that in a usual circumstance, if I would have set X boundaries, I'm probably setting a little less of them, because, you know, giving him a little more space. So what happens is like, you know, he's, he's a really like high energy kid, but he's also very shy, just outside, right? So when he's with me, I feel he feels a lot of freedom and stuff. So, you know, he will just come casually and like, you know, hit me or even like the way he sometimes like shows love will be like, he'll come and like hug me really like, and like, just literally just push me or even like, that's one example, right? And then the other example is like, you know, he will really insist, oh, I want the chocolate every single time I pick him up. And I tried to say no. I mean, I do say no a lot of times, but I feel like I give up because he'll start crying and the kind of list of it. So I think boundaries is where like, I'm trying to figure out how to do that.

Okay. So there's a lot of layers to what's happening here. And the first thing I'm concerned about is you and how you're doing. And if you are getting time for yourself to do things that feel joyful and nourishing to you, are you getting enough rest? I see you're out on a walk right now, which is great. How are you overall?

I mean, it's not the best and, you know, because it's been very stressful because of how the other side is, but I'm coping up. I have a support system with therapy and a lot of other things. So not the best, but I have hope.

Okay. Okay, good. I'm really glad to hear that. So, because very often when we feel stressed, that ends up coming out in our kids' behavior is they pick up on that stress and, that can be one of the reasons why they're having a hard time right. The more support you have, the better off it's going to be for your kids. And how is their relationship with the other parents? You mentioned that the situation was not good. Do they have contact with their other parent?

Yeah, I mean, they do. He has contact and, you know, every time I do the drop off, I don't see my son being unhappy. I mean, he does say I don't want to go, but when he sees him, he's like smiling and, you know, going. So my assumption is that at least my son doesn't feel unsafe.

Okay. And how new is the separation?

Been a year now.

Okay. And so it's possible that some of this is related to his feelings about the separation itself. And even though it has been, you know, it's not a super recent thing, he's getting older, new mental capabilities are coming online. He's able to process it differently. Maybe he sees other kids whose parents are together and he's, he's figuring out, oh, everybody else's parents are together. Mine are not together. And I miss my other parent when I'm not with them. And I miss, you know, you when I'm not with you and, and there may well be a good deal of confusion and pain to some extent around just the separation itself. And when we can see it as an expression of, right, we see that seeing the hitting as an expression of this difficult circumstance, the child is in rather than defiance and stubbornness, then that kind of puts a different lens on it, right? If you perceive your child as responding in the best way that he knows how to the situation that he's in, how does that feel differently to you than if I use the words stubborn and defiant?

I think I agree. I agree with that. And I don't look at it so much as like, you know, he's doing this intentionally and stuff, right? I just feel like, how do I equip myself better to support him, but also make sure that, you know, I raise him right.

Okay. I have a whole framework on this that may be a lot to cover in the time that we have available, but essentially what we're trying to understand in all of our interactions that we're having with other people is what, what are my needs in the situation? And what is my, what are my child's needs in this situation? And every, you know, we're all people, we all have needs. You showed up on this call today because you have needs for maybe learning, right? For growth as a parent or perhaps connection with other people. Those are needs that you're meeting. I'm meeting needs for competence in my work by being here today. In everything that we do, every behavior that we use is an attempt to meet our needs. And what we want to be looking at is in most situations, is there a way that both of us can meet our needs? And let's just take that chocolate example as a, you know, a representative example for the kinds of situations you're finding yourself in. And I know you're new to this idea and you're walking and you can't really look at a needs list online. So I'm going to give you a little more of this. Normally I would ask you, you know, what, what do you see on this list that might be coming up for your kid? But my hypothesis would be that when your kid is asking for a chocolate, certainly there's sort of indulgence and joy, right? Chocolate's delicious. I love chocolate.

There's that piece of it. You said that it's happening right as he's coming out of preschool. And so it's possible he's been in an environment for most of the day where he doesn't get to make a lot of choices, where the adults say what you do, how you do it. And so what's the first thing he does is he makes this big ask. I want chocolate. He's asserting, autonomy is important to me. I want to decide things that feel meaningful and chocolate is meaningful to me. Yeah. That makes sense. Okay. There's probably also a connection piece. He's been apart from you all day. He's looking to reconnect with you. And sometimes even we adults use unskillful strategies to meet a need for connection. So sometimes we pick fights with other people as a way of saying, Hey, I'm here. Do you care?

Because if you care about me, you're going to engage with me in some way, even if that way is yelling at me or fighting with me. But at least then I know you care because if you're disengaged, I can't tell. I can't tell if you care. And there's also a possibility. He's asking for chocolate, knowing you're going to say no as a way of getting you to engage, right? As a, as a way of getting connection. So you see the needs here, right? There's the deliciousness, joy, indulgence, there's the autonomy and there's the connection. And this is why he's making this request and you are also a person with needs. And there's a reason why you are thinking about saying no to this. And my hypothesis would be number one is competence as a parent that I want to make sure my child eats nutritious food. Is that right? Okay. Is there also an element, I'm going to put a placeholder here and call it control. Like a good parent doesn't let their kid eat chocolate right after school or before they eat something more nutritious or right. Is there an element of that to it?

Yeah. I mean, I didn't realize that's a control, but yeah. I mean, the, the idea is, yeah, I want to feed him something nutritious before he puts the dessert in his mouth.

Right yeah. And control is not really a need. Control usually masks a fear, right? There's some sort of fear under there. Oh, if I'd let him eat chocolate now, he won't eat this nutritious food and then he won't be healthy and I will have failed as a parent. I won't be a competent parent, right? You're smiling. It all sounds. Yeah. And so when he asks for chocolate, right, you see all these needs of his, you say, no, you see your needs, right? I need to be a constant parent. And I'm afraid that if I say yes to that, all these other things are going to come out, but also he's so special to me and I'm afraid he's going to cry and that's going to be really hard for me. And I'm thinking about saying yes and right. And so all of that is wrapped up in this simple, I want chocolate. No. It sounds like interaction and there's so many needs underneath it. And so what we want to start looking at is, is there a way that we could meet both of our needs? And so when we consider this idea of chocolate and we're thinking about deliciousness, joy, autonomy, connection, if you, in your heart of hearts, believe that he will not be damaged by eating a square of chocolate or whatever is the thing that he's asking for, and if he eats that square of chocolate, is he really going to reject nutritious food for the rest of the evening?

Not really. Yeah.

Is it possible we could say yes to this and also meet our needs for competence and emotional safety?

Yeah. I think my only concern is like making a habit out of it because giving like, I've like, I've got like kisses. So I just give him like one kiss, which I think is like, it's not as harmful because, but habit, like the expectation that every day when I leave school, I'm going to get it is what I'm like concerned about.

I love that you're identifying that and what you're experiencing resistance, right? I'm suggesting a strategy and you're feeling resistance, like, Oh, that feels scary. And that means we have to dig a little bit deeper underneath and see what else is there. I think it comes back to competence again right. And also, there's an element of ease to it. Like, am I setting up something that's going to end up biting me in the butt? I just want things to be easier right now because everything about life is really difficult and I don't want to create this thing that's going to be hard. Okay. So what we can do there is have a conversation with our kid and say, Hey, tell me again how old he is. You said three and a half.

Three and a half.

Okay. So at that age, he's old enough to have a conversation about candy, right? About foods that he really enjoys about how much of those foods he wants to have. And if he says, I want a hundred kisses every day, that doesn't mean you're going to say yes to that, but maybe there's an amount that you're like, you X kisses per day is actually okay. And if X kisses per day is okay, and he has a real need for autonomy in a, when he doesn't have much autonomy in the rest of his life, right. He's got a visitation schedule. He has to adhere to. He's in preschool. Can he be the one who decides when he gets those kisses?

Okay. Okay. Right.

That's if he has a kiss before breakfast, right. My daughter noticed when my husband is talking about sweets, if she asks for sweets instead of lunch, he'll say, you can't just have candy for lunch. It doesn't fill you up. But if she asks for candy right before dinner, he'll say, you can't have candy because you won't eat your dinner. Cause it'll fill you up. So we kind of try and play both sides of it right. I don't, I'm not using a number because I don't want to tell you what is the right number. Only you and your kid know that number for your family. Whatever that X kisses is great. Here's your X kisses for the day. When do you want to eat them right. Do you want to have one before breakfast? One after school, one, you know, whenever he meets his need for autonomy, for deliciousness, for connection with you. Cause the conversation is connecting also because you're not in this antagonistic. No, you can't have it relationship and you get your need for competence met. Cause you already know. Yes. X kisses is okay. I'm good with that.

Yeah. That makes a lot of sense. Makes it easy.

Yeah, it does. And we're families, right? Yes. And so for every situation we're in, we're looking at why is my kid doing this thing? What need are they trying to meet? And on the, Your Parenting Mojo website, there are lists of feelings and needs, and you can download those. You can, there's picture-based versions. You can stick them to your fridge. And when you point to that need and you say, Hey, I'm wondering if you have a need for autonomy right now. That means making decisions that feel really meaningful to you. Is that right? Is that what's going on? Is that why you're asking me for this? Or you're saying no to this. And you start introducing that language. And at three, within a few months, he's going to start identifying his own needs.

Oh, yeah.

And then things get so much easier.

He's so smart. He knows that I say no because it's sugar. So I will like tell him, Oh, you know, you can't have one more, another sweet because you already had sugar for the day. So he's like, I like sugar. I like sugar. So he already understands it. That sugar is something that's not healthy and it's really funny. Yeah. I get what you're saying that they pick up really quickly.

Yes, they do. So in that single situation, how to approach it. And that, that framework that we use to understand what is my child's need? Why are they doing this? Or why are they saying no to this thing that I'm asking? And why am I asking them to do this thing? Or why am I saying no to this? That it's all of it comes back to needs all of it, every single time. And when we can look at that list and say, okay, yeah. Connection, autonomy, almost always the top two needs for young kids. Connection, autonomy, over and over and over again. Is it about one of those two things? If no, then we can dig deeper. And for you, I'm guessing competence is really big right now, right? You're going through a lot and you want to know that you're a good parent.

Yeah. Especially when the other side keeps telling you every single day that you're not.

Exactly. Yes. Yeah. So meeting that need for competence is critical and probably ease as well right. It's, it's okay to want things to be easy. So when you find yourself resisting and saying, no, I don't want to do that, or you have to do this, is it, is, am I trying to meet my need for competence? Am I trying to meet my need for ease? Can I see a way that we can make this easier together? Can I see how maybe reframing the situation helps me to meet my need for competence without saying no to this? Yeah.

Got it. Okay. That's helpful.

Yeah. Is there anything else you'd like to ask or say about any aspect of that?

No, I think that's pretty helpful. I'm just curious, like, I know we talked about hitting a little bit, but maybe that's like a separate conversation in itself because I don't know if I can fit the hitting thing in the same framework.

Yeah. Yes, you can, because it's a behavior and he's doing it to meet a need. There's a couple of different things that can be going on. Um, the first is your family is in a super stressful time right now. And particularly when parents see hitting “coming out of nowhere”, right, it seems like everything's fine. And then the hitting is coming out of nowhere that tends to be a result of a more global stress. It's not tied to a specific incident. It's more global stress. And so that's why my very first question was, how are you doing? Because when you're stressed, when the environment is stressful, that can really come out in that hitting out of nowhere. So anything that you can do to support yourself to get support for the two of you is going to help with that. Okay. And then what we want to be looking for is are there any patterns we can find in when that hitting is happening? Does it happen only at certain times of the day or only when we've just got back together at the end of preschool or only when we're about to be separated or when I'm saying no to things that he really wants to do. Okay. And then that those patterns helped us to understand what need is underneath that.

And a lot of times it's just out of joy. Like he's like super excited. I think that's when I have seen it happen the most, which is like super weird.

Yeah. And sometimes exuberance gets the better of kids. And so that's a moment that you can kind of anticipate seeing it coming, right? When, what kind of signs do you see in his behavior that indicate that he's experiencing that kind of joy before it gets to the hitting? What do you see in him?

Like, just like something really, like we went to a play area, the balls fell and he was standing there, like really jumping with joy. And then he came to me like running and almost hit me or hit me.

Right.

Like, and I don't know.

So, you can see that you can see when the balls are dropping and he's jumping for joy and he comes running towards you, that's a moment to kind of brace the impact, right? To see it coming. It's possible that he doesn't know how to express this is so amazingly cool right now. And the big thing that I have to express that is to hit. And as he gets older, right, he's only three, this is super age appropriate. As he gets older, he will develop more strategies. I can jump up and down, right? I can scream and shout if I'm in an environment where that's okay. This is not always going to be something that he does to express that. And you can offer that. Oh my goodness. It looks so exciting right now. Should we jump up and down together? So that you're kind of redirecting that impulse in a way that doesn't end up in a hit for you.

Yeah. And also try to tell him, you know, like if somebody else hits you, you know, how will you feel about it? Or I don't know if that's a good strategy or sometimes like I will just start tickling him. If he does something of this side to kind of tell him, yeah, like, you know, I don't know. Those are my ways right now.

Okay. I can comment on that if you'd like or not.

Sure, I would love your input.

The, how would you feel about that? Most kids I, in my experience will say, I wouldn't really care. Cause maybe they wouldn't, or maybe they don't want to admit it to you. So you, you can kind of seed it gently right. And I think rather than seeding it gently, I think the most, probably the more effective strategy would be that doesn't feel good to my body right. I don't want to be hit. And then you're being really direct. You're not sort of asking him to imagine something about how it would be for somebody else. You're saying this doesn't feel good to me. And so I don't want to be hit. I'm going to move my body over here right. Or I'm going to hold my hands out right here. Okay.

So there's that piece. And then the, the sort of tickling him, my concern with that is, uh, if he doesn't like being tickled and if you're doing it, cause you know, he doesn't like being tickled that you're sort of setting up this environment where he's not consenting to be tickled in that way, in a way you're sort of teaching him the opposite of what you want to learn. Him to learn what you want him to learn is I don't want to be touched without my consent. Touching him without his consent.

Okay. Yeah. Perfect. Super helpful. Thank you so much.

Yeah, you're welcome. Is there anything else you want to ask or say?

No, this is just super helpful. I don't even remember how I signed up to be honest, but it showed up on my calendar and I joined and I'm just so glad I did.

Perfect. Well, we do this every month. So if it comes up to next month and you try some of these things and you find that some of them help and some of them you're still struggling with, you can come back and we can direct you onward from there. All right. Well, thanks for being here. Akiko anything else you want to ask or say before we close?

No, just want to put in a little pitch that I've been with Jen's membership for, I don't know, four, no, five years now. And very helpful. So yeah, if you found this helpful, there's more of that.

So I hope that was helpful. Even if you're not going through a separation right now, if your child is hitting, and especially if it seems to be coming out of nowhere, it's likely due to a big stressor in their lives. Even if it doesn't seem big to you, it may well be big to them. And the hitting is the best way they have to tell you about it. The strategies that we talked about today, things like understanding your child's needs for connection and autonomy, recognizing when stress is showing up in their behavior, finding ways to meet both people's needs. These work in any situation you're in with your own child. You'll see more parents being coached on using tools like these in the Why You're So Angry with Your Child's Age-Appropriate Behavior and What to Do About It masterclass. You can get the coaching along with the workbook and the video to help you identify your unique triggers anytime. But when you sign up now, you can also get the group coaching call with me on February 20th, learn more at yourparentingmojo.com/triggersmasterclass. And I really hope that I'll get to meet you soon.

Hi, this is Jess from rural East Panama. I'm a Your Parenting Mojo fan, and I hope you enjoy this show as much as I do. If you found this episode, especially enlightening or useful, you can also donate to help Jen produce more content like this and also save us from those interminable mattress ads. Then you can do that and also subscribe on the link that Jen just mentioned. And don't forget to head to your parenting mojo.com to record your own message for the show.