Parent Self-Care: Meeting Your Needs Helps Your Kids
Key Takeaways
- Parent self-care widens your window of tolerance so you can stay regulated and present with your kids instead of constantly triggered.
- Unmet needs narrow your stress tolerance. When you’re hungry, exhausted, or disconnected, everything your child does can trigger intense reactions you regret.
- Parental guilt keeps you stuck in shame cycles. You snap, feel terrible, try harder to be perfect, neglect your needs more – making everything worse.
- Signs of parental exhaustion include persistent irritability, emotional numbness with your kids, and a growing gap between how you want to parent and how you can parent.
- Small self-care changes matter most: batch cooking, saying no to obligations, asking for specific help, and finding brief moments of adult connection.
- How to deal with parental guilt: Notice it without judgment, challenge the belief that meeting your needs hurts your child, and practice repair over perfection.
- Repairing ruptures with your child strengthens your relationship more than avoiding mistakes. Your imperfection followed by genuine repair teaches resilience.
You snap at your child over something tiny:
- They won’t stop asking questions while you’re trying to think.
- They’re taking forever to put on their shoes.
- They’re resisting toothbrushing. Again.
And you feel terrible for snapping at them. Again.
Maybe you believe that good parents sacrifice everything for their children.
That putting yourself first is selfish.
That if you just tried harder…had more patience…were a better person…you wouldn’t lose it over something so small.
But what if none of those ideas are true?
Iris, a parent I worked with, told me about a day at the park with her three-year-old daughter, Malaya. She’d packed snacks for both of them, but she was still hungry – really hungry, the kind where your blood sugar is dropping and everything starts to feel hard.
Iris asked her toddler for some of the snacks. Malaya said: “No.” Wouldn’t share. Then a crow swooped in, knocked over the container, and all the food spilled onto the ground.
Iris told me she felt a hot rage coming up from her gut. Malaya started crying because she could sense that energy. And Iris felt awful – she recognized something primal in being denied food, even though logically she knew Malaya wasn’t actually denying her anything on purpose.
But the real gut punch came later, when Malaya asked out of genuine curiosity: “Mama, why are you always angry?”
Not “why are you angry right now?” But always angry.
That’s when Iris knew she needed more help. Her daughter was looking at the parent who was supposed to take care of her, and seeing someone who erupted constantly.
Here’s what she learned through that process, and what research on parental burnout tells us: Meeting your own needs is actually how you become the parent you want to be.
The Problem: When Your Needs Go Unmet
The window of tolerance
There’s a concept in psychology called the window of tolerance. It’s basically the zone where you can handle stress and stay regulated. When you’re inside that window, your child whines and you can breathe, maybe even get curious about what’s really going on for them.
When you’re outside that window – when it’s gotten really narrow – that same whining seems unbearable. Everything your child does triggers you: the mess, the defiance, the constant requests for your attention.
Hunger narrows your window of tolerance. So does exhaustion. So does lack of connection. So does the overwhelm of everything you’re trying to juggle.
The physical reality of this is striking. Researcher Moïra Mikolajczak at UC Louvain studied hair cortisol levels in hundreds of parents experiencing burnout, compared to parents who weren’t burned out but had the same family situations. (Hair cortisol gives you a measure of stress hormones over the past three months)
Parents in burnout had cortisol levels that were twice as high as other parents. Their stress levels were even higher than people experiencing severe chronic pain. Higher than people experiencing marital abuse.
That’s the physical reality when your needs go unmet for too long. (If you need help identifying your needs, this list can help).
The isolation of modern parenting
One parent in a research study on parental burnout said: “I am the one who is responsible for what they will be later. What they will become depends on what I do now.”
Can you sense the weight in that statement? The pressure?
Modern parenting carries this impossible burden. You’re told you’re responsible for everything your child becomes. There’s pressure from other parents, from social media where everyone posts only their best parenting moments, from schools, from society at large.
And you’re trying to do all of this essentially alone. Maybe it’s you and a partner – or maybe just you. But that’s not how humans raised children for most of our history – in communities where many adults shared the care.
There’s a reason that African proverb says “it takes a village to raise a child”. Because it does. And most of us don’t have that village.
Research bears this out. In countries with strong community support systems, less than 1% of parents experience burnout. In Euro-centric countries where parents are more isolated? Up to 9%.
This creates a vicious circle: Your needs go unmet, which narrows your window of tolerance, which means you get triggered more easily, which leads to shame about not being a good enough parent, which makes you neglect your needs even more…because good parents shouldn’t need breaks, right?
Kelly, another parent I spoke with, described it as racing like a train that couldn’t be stopped. Her husband said it was like trying to stop a very heavy train – he couldn’t do it. She just kept going and going and going.
Until one day she had a breaking point. She was away for work in another city, sat down on a low wall, and had a total blackout. She didn’t know what to do or where to go.
She called her husband, and he helped her find a train. He drove halfway to meet her. When she got in the car, she collapsed. She cried for hours. For days afterward, she was in bed, feeling like she had a terrible flu. Her body ached. She was so emotional.
The day before, she’d had plenty of energy. Then suddenly, she couldn’t do anything.
That’s what happens when you push through for too long. Your body’s stress response system – the hypothalamic pituitary adrenal axis – eventually collapses. You literally run out of the cortisol that gives you energy to face life.
Why Parental Guilt Makes Self-Care Harder
The shame story
When Iris first started the Taming Your Triggers workshop, she couldn’t fully engage with it. She’d lurk in the community but not really participate. She went through the workshop multiple times before she could truly take it in.
Why? Because there was a voice in her head saying: “I should be able to handle this.”
She’d grown up in a poor urban neighborhood in the Philippines. Her mother worked long hours. They didn’t have much materially, but they had a community – neighbors who shared rice when you ran out, who watched each other’s children, who showed up for births and deaths and everything in between.
Now here she was in Canada with almost everything she thought she wanted materially. A safe home. Food. Enough money. And she was struggling.
The voice said: “Your mother managed with so much less. What’s wrong with you?”
Comparing ourselves with other people – whether it’s our own parents, a friend, or a theoretical parent who doesn’t lose their mind when their kid says “No” – almost always creates shame.
The shame cycle
Here’s how this plays out:
You believe good parents don’t need breaks, so you push through your exhaustion. You snap at your kid.
Now you feel shame about snapping. You also feel shame about not being the patient, present parent you wanted to be.
So what do you do? You double down. You try even harder to be that perfect parent, which means neglecting your needs even more.
The parental guilt and shame actually makes you a less present parent. Because when you’re running on empty, you’re not really there. You’re going through the motions, but you’re feeling irritable and disconnected.
Kelly noticed this pattern in herself. At work, she could hold it together. She’d put on her ‘mask’ and pretend to be a nice person, which took a lot of energy. Then at home, everything came out. Especially with her daughter, who seemed to know exactly which buttons to press.
That’s because when you’re depleted, everything becomes harder. Home is where we finally let down the mask we’ve been wearing all day to hold ourselves together.
Healing shame and guilt is about understanding where these emotions actually come from. Your shame is a response to impossible standards combined with inadequate support. Your guilt is keeping you stuck in patterns that aren’t working.
Breaking the guilt pattern
What helped Iris start to shift? A moment in one of our coaching calls where I guided her to just sit with something: “This is hard.”
Her life in the Philippines was hard. Her life in Canada is hard. They’re both hard. You can’t compare them. Your hard is your hard.
Something clicked for her at that moment. She’d been carrying this story that because she had material advantages now, she shouldn’t struggle. That her stress wasn’t “real” somehow.
But the research on cortisol levels tells us: your struggle is real. Even if you have advantages. Even if other people have it worse. Your nervous system is responding to the chronic stress of trying to meet impossible standards with inadequate support.
Both Iris and Kelly had to learn the same lesson: Meeting your needs is how you stay regulated enough to be the parent you want to be.
The shift is from “I should be able to handle this” to “What do I actually need right now?”
If you’re recognizing yourself in Iris and Kelly’s stories and want support to make this shift, the Taming Your Triggers workshop can help you understand why your child’s behavior creates such intense reactions – and heal the root causes so you’re triggered less often. Learn more about the workshop here.
What Happens When You’re Running on Empty
Signs of parental exhaustion
How do you know if you’ve crossed from regular tiredness into something deeper? These are the warning signs to watch for:
Persistent irritability and anger that lasts for weeks, especially at home. You might hold it together at work or in public, but the moment you walk through the door, everything your child does sets you off.
Emotional numbness or distance from your children. You go through the motions of parenting, but you can’t access the warmth or connection you used to feel.
You lose the pleasure in parenting. The things that used to bring you joy – watching them discover something new, snuggling together, their laughter – now just seem like one more thing you have to get through.
Physical exhaustion that sleep doesn’t fix. You wake up tired. You go to bed exhausted. Rest doesn’t restore you anymore.
A growing gap between who you are as a parent and who you wanted to be. You notice yourself doing or saying things you swore you’d never do.
If you’re experiencing these signs, learning how to recover from parental burnout starts with recognizing when your needs aren’t being met – and actually doing something about it before you completely collapse.
Impact on your children
When you’re just exhausted, it mostly affects you. Your kids might notice you’re tired, but they’re probably okay.
But when that exhaustion leads to emotional distancing, there’s a higher risk of neglect – you’re just too depleted to notice what they need. There’s a higher risk of harsh responses – snapping, yelling, maybe even physical reactions you never thought you’d have.
Researcher Gershen Kaufman talks about “the breaking of the interpersonal bridge” – that moment when the connection between you and your child ruptures. And when that happens repeatedly without repair, children don’t feel seen or safe.
Iris’ daughter Malaya experienced her mother as someone who erupted like a volcano on the regular. And children in that situation tend to internalize it as “something is wrong with me” rather than “my parent is struggling”.
That’s the heartbreaking part. Your child doesn’t understand that you’re depleted. They just know you’re angry or distant, and they assume it’s somehow their fault.
The turning point
One afternoon, Iris looked at the messy kitchen and recognized she was getting depleted. Instead of pushing through to clean it, she went down to the courtyard of her apartment building. She chatted with neighbors for about 15 minutes. Just adults talking about nothing important. It recharged her (Iris is an extrovert and loves to socialize – for you, doing something quiet might be more effective!).
When she came back upstairs, Malaya came home from school and asked to watch TV. Iris said yes. But when it was time to turn off the TV, Malaya had a big meltdown. She screamed: “You’re mean! You’re a bad mama! You’re the worst ever!”
The old Iris would have erupted right back at her.
But because she’d taken those 15 minutes to recharge, Iris had space inside herself. She could pause. She could just let Malaya have her emotions without getting flooded by them herself. She didn’t try to fix it or make it stop. She just held space.
After a while, Malaya calmed down. She went to play with her toys. Later, while Iris was making dinner, Malaya called out: “Mama! I love you. You’re the best mom ever.” She had been overwhelmed and dysregulated and said something she didn’t mean – just like we do when we’re having a hard time. Iris’ calm presence helped her to re-regulate.
That’s what parent self-care actually does. It shows up in the moments that matter most.
Your child doesn’t experience your self-care as you being selfish. They experience you as actually being present with them.
Self-Care Tips for Overwhelmed Parents
Click here to download the Self-Care Tips for Overwhelmed Parents
Self-care tips for overwhelmed parents #1: Identifying what you actually need
Let’s start with something simple. The HALT framework helps you identify the basic states that make everything harder. HALT stands for Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired – and when you’re in any of these states, your window of tolerance gets narrower.
These are the basic states that make everything harder. When you’re in any of these states, your window of tolerance gets narrower. When you’re in multiple states at once, that window can get very narrow indeed.
So before you can think about some elaborate self-care routine, start here:
Physical needs: Do you have food that’s actually easy to eat? I mean food you can grab, not ingredients you’ll have to prepare when you’re already depleted. Are you getting actual rest, or just scrolling through your phone in the few minutes you have alone? Are you moving your body in ways that feel good to you, or have you been stuck sitting or standing in one position all day?
Emotional needs: When was the last time another adult really saw you? Someone who actually asked how you’re doing and listened to the answer, not just “how are you doing” in passing?
Connection needs: Brief conversations with people who get it can matter more than you think. This doesn’t have to be deep processing of your struggles. Sometimes it’s just being around other people who treat you like a person instead of just someone’s parent.
Autonomy: Do you get to make any choices about your own time? Even small ones help – choosing what to eat, when to go to bed, whether to read or watch something.
Use this list if you need help identifying your needs.
Self-care tips for overwhelmed parents #2: What small changes actually look like
When parents finally start making progress with their triggers, they usually don’t do anything dramatic. The changes are small and concrete:
Reduce the number of decisions you make when you’re already depleted. Cook batches of food on the weekend so you don’t have to think about what’s for dinner when you’re exhausted. Lay out clothes the night before. Create simple routines that require less mental energy.
Schedule support before you’re in crisis. If therapy helps, book sessions in advance. If you have family or friends who can give you breaks, set up a regular time instead of waiting until you’re desperate. If you want personalized guidance on your parenting struggles, you could book some parent coaching sessions.
Protect your energy by saying no. This is hard because there’s always something you “should” be doing. Another volunteer opportunity, another activity for your child, another social obligation. But each yes to something else is a no to your own capacity to stay regulated.
Ask for specific help. Try: “I’m going for a walk on Thursday, want to come?” Or “Could you watch the kids Saturday morning so I can rest?” Make it easy for people to actually help.
Find small moments of connection. Brief conversations with neighbors, a text exchange with a friend who gets it, five minutes of chat with another parent at pickup. These aren’t solving any big problems. They’re just… connection. Being seen as a person, not just as someone’s parent.
None of these changes are huge. But together, they can widen your window of tolerance. The process of learning to recognize when you’re getting depleted and actually doing something about it takes practice. You might try things that don’t work. You might forget and push through anyway. That’s part of it. Eventually, you get better at catching yourself earlier, at staying regulated more of the time.
Self-care tips for overwhelmed parents #3: When you’re already depleted
Maybe you’re reading this and thinking, “That sounds nice, but I’m already past that point. I’m already depleted. What do I do right now?”
How to deal with parental exhaustion
When you’re already running on empty, the advice to “practice self-care” can sound impossible. You don’t have time for a bath or a yoga class. You can barely keep everyone fed and clothed.
But dealing with parental exhaustion doesn’t require big blocks of time or elaborate plans. It requires recognizing that you’re depleted and making small, concrete choices that create tiny pockets of relief throughout your day.
Immediate strategies that actually work:
Use screens strategically. Yes, I’m giving you permission. Put on a show your child will actually watch, and rest. Don’t scroll through social media comparing yourself to everyone else. Actually close your eyes and rest, or do something that replenishes you.
Go outside if you possibly can. Even if all you do is sit while your child plays. Fresh air and a change of environment can help reset your nervous system a little bit. Or you might walk a few laps around the playground while they play to move your muscles a bit.
Ask yourself: What’s ONE thing I can remove from today? Can you eat a frozen pizza instead of cooking? Skip one activity? Let some things stay messy?
How to talk with your child about this:
Be honest in age-appropriate ways. “I’m feeling very tired. Even sleeping doesn’t help right now.”
Use metaphors that kids understand. “You know how when you’re tired, you go to sleep and wake up with energy? For me right now, my tank is so empty that sleep isn’t enough. It’s like a car with no gas. There’s no gas station available. It takes time to refill.”
Be clear about what’s yours: “When I’m this tired, I get impatient. That’s about me, not about you. You didn’t do anything wrong.”
Don’t use terms like “parental burnout”. That sounds to a child as though it’s their fault for being too much.
After you recharge, even a little bit, repair: “I was grumpy earlier. That wasn’t about you. I was very tired and I didn’t handle it well. I’m sorry.”
Self-care tips for overwhelmed parents #4: Building ongoing support
If you have a partner:
They can compensate when you’re depleted. You’re recognizing when one person’s tank is lower and shifting the load temporarily.
Talk together about the balance of stressors and resources. What’s draining each of you? What helps? Make it concrete. Write it down if that helps.
Problem-solve as a team: What can each of you remove? What resources can you add?
Finding your village (even when it feels impossible):
Neighbors matter more than you think. Even brief chats can help. Iris’s 15 minutes in the courtyard made the difference between erupting at her daughter and being able to hold space for her emotions.
Friends who won’t judge are worth their weight in gold. Kelly had a breakthrough when she stopped caring what others thought about her parenting. She stopped performing for an imaginary audience.
Online communities can help if they actually support rather than create more comparison. If a group makes you feel worse about yourself, leave it. Kelly dropped Facebook entirely, and it helped.
If you want to get the guidance you need to to create the relationship you want in your family and be a part of a community of parents who share the same values you have, sign up for the Parenting Membership.
Getting professional support:
Therapy if you can access it. Both Iris and Kelly worked with therapists. Kelly worked with her therapist on letting go of caring so much about how her parenting appeared to others – that internal pressure was as much a drain as the external demands.
Support groups for parents exist in many areas. Sometimes through hospitals, sometimes through community centers, sometimes online.
There’s a free online tool called the Parental Burnout Assessment developed by researchers at UC Louvain. It can help you see where you are and which factors are weighing on you most heavily.
Some places have hotlines for parents in distress. In Belgium, researchers created one specifically because the need was so great. Check what’s available in your area.
Self-care tips for overwhelmed parents #5: What this actually looks like
Researcher Moïra Mikolajczak puts it this way: It’s better to be truly present for shorter periods than depleted all day.
That might sound like this: “I’ll play with you for 10 minutes and we can build blocks together. Then I need some quiet time. After that, we’ll have a snack together.”
The key is follow-through. When you say you need quiet time, actually take it. And when you say you’ll reconnect, actually do it.
This is where Special Time comes in. Special Time is about 10 minutes of consistent, daily play where your child chooses the activity and you offer your full attention. Consistency matters more than duration. Ten minutes every day is far more powerful than an hour that happens unpredictably.
This routine communicates something essential to your child: “You’re special. I love you. I want to spend time with you.” It also teaches trust because your child learns that your words mean something.
They also learn something else: Adults have needs too. Meeting those needs is healthy and normal and not something to apologize for.
You’re modeling self-care. You’re showing them how to recognize when their own tank is getting low and honor that. That’s a gift that will serve them for their whole life.
How to Deal with Parental Guilt
Reframing your thinking
The shift is a practice. From “I should be able to handle this” to “What do I actually need right now?”
Something that might help: Research on attachment and child development tells us that repairing ruptures matters more than avoiding them in the first place. You don’t have to get it right every time – or even most of the time. What matters is coming back.
When guilt shows up
Because it will. Even after you’ve intellectually understood that meeting your needs helps your children, the guilt will still show up sometimes.
When it does, try this:
Notice it without judgment: “I’m having thoughts that I’m selfish for needing a break.”
Challenge it gently: “Is meeting my needs actually hurting my child? Or is it helping them have a parent who’s more present?”
Look at the evidence: Iris recharged for 15 minutes, then held space for Malaya’s meltdown instead of erupting. Malaya went from “You’re the worst mama” to “You’re the best mom ever” in the span of an hour because Iris was actually there with her.
Letting go of comparison
Kelly’s turning point came when she stopped caring so much about what others thought of her parenting. This wasn’t easy – she described it as one of the things she had to work on with her therapist. But dropping Facebook helped enormously. No more seeing everyone else’s perfectly curated parenting moments.
Iris learned something similar. She’d been stuck in what she called “the terrible endless math of comparison”. Her mother had worked long hours with fewer resources. Other parents seemed to manage better. Her daughter should be easier than she was.
What helped was recognizing: “My struggles are my struggles”. Not better or worse than anyone else’s. Just hers. And they were real, even though she had material advantages her mother didn’t have.
Comparison doesn’t help. Your hard is your hard.
The repair practice
You’re going to snap sometimes. You’re human. Your window of tolerance will get narrow, and you’ll react in ways you wish you hadn’t.
What matters more than getting it right every time is coming back.
“I was grumpy earlier. That was about me being really tired, not about anything you did.”
“I yelled, and that scared you. That wasn’t okay. I’m sorry.”
“I wasn’t able to hear you properly this morning. Can we try again now?”
This repair practice teaches your child something important: People make mistakes. And when you make a mistake, you can acknowledge it and reconnect. You don’t have to be perfect to be loved.
AJ Bond, who studies shame, talks about how rupture and repair actually strengthens relationships. The repair creates a deeper level of understanding and connection than if the rupture had never happened.
So your imperfection, followed by genuine repair, might actually teach your child more than if you somehow managed to be calm and patient 100% of the time.
Final Thoughts
The cycle we’ve been talking about goes like this: Unmet needs lead to a narrow window of tolerance, which leads to more triggers, which leads to shame, which leads to neglecting your needs even more, which narrows your window further.
But there’s another way this can go: Meeting your needs, even in small ways, widens your window of tolerance. That wider window means you can stay regulated more of the time. When you’re regulated, you can be present with your child. When you’re present, you create connection. And connection is what both of you actually need.
Self-care doesn’t always mean elaborate spa days or expensive self-care. For Iris, it was 15 minutes chatting with neighbors. For Kelly, it was dropping Facebook and letting go of invisible standards. For both of them, it was learning to notice when their tank was getting low and doing something about it before they completely collapsed.
Your children don’t need a perfect parent. They need a present one.
So here’s my question for you: What’s one need you can meet today?
Maybe it’s eating something nourishing. Maybe it’s asking someone specific for help instead of waiting for someone to offer. Maybe it’s saying no to one thing on your list. Maybe it’s just noticing when your tank is getting low and honoring that information instead of pushing through.
Small changes in how you care for yourself create space for the parent you want to be because you’re actually there.
Going Deeper: Taming Your Triggers Workshop
If you need help with your own big feelings about your child’s behavior, register for the Taming Your Triggers workshop.
We’ll help you to:
- Understand the real causes of your triggered feelings, and begin to heal the hurts that cause them
- Use new tools like the ones Katie describes to find ways to meet both her and her children’s needs
- Effectively repair with your children on the fewer instances when you are still triggered
Click the banner to learn more.
Frequently Asked Questions About Parent Self-Care
1. What is self-care in parenting?
Parent self-care means meeting your basic needs like eating when hungry, resting when exhausted, and connecting with other adults, so you can stay regulated with your children. When your needs are met, you’re actually present with your kids instead of just going through the motions while irritable and disconnected.
2. Why is it important to take care of yourself as a parent?
When your needs go unmet, your window of tolerance narrows. Everything your child does triggers you – the whining, the mess, the defiance. Research shows parents in burnout have cortisol levels twice as high as other parents, even higher than people experiencing chronic pain. Meeting your needs widens your window of tolerance so you can respond from a place aligned with your values instead of erupting in ways you regret.
3. How can parents take care of themselves?
Start with the HALT framework: Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired. Keep easy-to-eat food available, get actual rest instead of scrolling, and find brief moments of adult connection. Make small changes like cooking in batches, scheduling therapy ahead of crisis, saying no to extra obligations, and asking for specific help. Create 15-minute blocks where your child plays independently while you recharge. These small actions widen your window of tolerance so you stay regulated more often.
4. How to parent when you are exhausted?
Use screens strategically so you can actually rest, not scroll social media. Go outside even if you just sit while your child plays. Ask yourself what ONE thing you can remove today- eat a frozen meal, skip an activity, let things stay messy. Talk honestly with your child using age-appropriate language: “Mommy is very tired. Even sleeping doesn’t help right now. When I’m this tired, I get impatient—that’s about me, not you.”
5. How to let go of parental guilt?
Notice guilt without judgment: “I’m having thoughts that I’m selfish for needing a break.” Then challenge it gently: “Is meeting my needs actually hurting my child?” Look at the evidence- when you recharge, you can hold space for your child’s emotions instead of erupting. Research shows repairing ruptures matters more than avoiding them. You don’t have to get it right most of the time. What matters is coming back: “I was grumpy earlier. That was about me being tired, not about you.”
6. How to deal with parental exhaustion?
Dealing with parental exhaustion doesn’t require big blocks of time. It requires recognizing you’re depleted and making small choices that create tiny pockets of relief. Reduce decision burden by laying out clothes the night before. Schedule support before crisis hits. Protect your energy by saying no to obligations. Find small moments of connection – brief chats with neighbors, texts with friends who get it. These changes widen your window of tolerance so you catch yourself getting depleted earlier, before you collapse completely.
7. How common is parental burnout?
Research shows that in countries with strong community support, less than 1% of parents experience burnout. But in Euro-centric countries where parents are more isolated, up to 9% of parents are burned out. The difference is systemic. We’re trying to raise children essentially alone when humans evolved to raise kids in communities where many adults shared the care. Modern parents face impossible standards with inadequate support, leading to the chronic stress that creates burnout.
8. How to feel less overwhelmed as a parent?
Start by identifying what narrows your window of tolerance: hunger, exhaustion, lack of connection, overwhelm. Make small concrete changes rather than waiting for big solutions. Cook in batches so you don’t decide what’s for dinner when depleted. Ask for specific help: “Can you watch the kids Saturday morning?” not “Let me know if you need anything.” Drop social media if it creates comparison. Find brief moments of adult connection. Eventually you’ll get better at catching yourself getting depleted earlier and doing something about it before hitting the wall.
References
Brianda, M. E., Roskam, I., & Mikolajczak, M. (2020). Hair cortisol concentration as a biomarker of parental burnout. Psychoneuroendocrinology, 117, 104681. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.psyneuen.2020.104681
Coan, J. A., & Sbarra, D. A. (2015). Social Baseline Theory: The Social Regulation of Risk and Effort. Current opinion in psychology, 1, 87–91. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.copsyc.2014.12.021
Deci, E. L., & Ryan, R. M. (2000). The “what” and “why” of goal pursuits: Human needs and the self-determination of behavior. Psychological Inquiry, 11(4), 227–268. https://doi.org/10.1207/S15327965PLI1104_01
Dunn, J., Brown, J., & Beardsall, L. (1991). Family talk about feeling states and children’s later understanding of others’ emotions. Developmental Psychology, 27(3), 448–455. https://doi.org/10.1037/0012-1649.27.3.448
Fries, E., Hesse, J., Hellhammer, J., & Hellhammer, D. H. (2005). A new view on hypocortisolism. Psychoneuroendocrinology, 30(10), 1010–1016. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.psyneuen.2005.04.006
Gross, J. J., & John, O. P. (2003). Individual differences in two emotion regulation processes: Implications for affect, relationships, and well-being. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 85(2), 348–362. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.85.2.348
Kaufman, G. (1989). The psychology of shame: Theory and treatment of shame-based syndromes. Springer Publishing Co.
Laurenceau, J. P., Barrett, L. F., & Pietromonaco, P. R. (1998). Intimacy as an interpersonal process: the importance of self-disclosure, partner disclosure, and perceived partner responsiveness in interpersonal exchanges. Journal of personality and social psychology, 74(5), 1238–1251. https://doi.org/10.1037//0022-3514.74.5.1238
Lunkenheimer, E., Sturge-Apple, M. L., & Kelm, M. R. (2023). The importance of parent self-regulation and parent-child coregulation in research on parental discipline. Child development perspectives, 17(1), 25–31. https://doi.org/10.1111/cdep.12470
Lumanlan, J. (2025, October 19). 257: I Don’t Enjoy Playing With My Kid: Why It Happens & What To Do. Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/captivate-podcast/parenting-guilt-playing-with-kids
Lumanlan, J. (2023, January 29). 176: How to begin healing shame with A.J. Bond. Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/captivate-podcast/discomfortable/
Lumanlan, J. (2022, February 20). SYPM 019: Why are you always so angry?. Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/captivate-podcast/iris/
Lumanlan, J. (2020, April 26). 111: Parental Burn Out. Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/captivate-podcast/burnout/
Lumanlan, J. (n.d). Taming Your Triggers workshop. Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/tamingyourtriggers
Mikolajczak, M., Gross, J. J., & Roskam, I. (2019). Parental burnout: What is it, and why does it matter? Clinical Psychological Science, 7(6), 1319–1329. https://doi.org/10.1177/2167702619858430
Mikolajczak, M., & Roskam, I. (2018). A Theoretical and Clinical Framework for Parental Burnout: The Balance Between Risks and Resources (BR2). Frontiers in psychology, 9, 886. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2018.00886
Office of the Surgeon General. (2024). Parents under pressure: The U.S. Surgeon General’s advisory on the mental health & well-being of parents. U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK606662/
Robichaud, J. M., Mageau, G. A., Kil, H., McLaughlin, C., Comeau, N., & Schumann, K. (2025). Parental apologies as a potential determinant of adolescents’ basic psychological needs satisfaction and frustration. Journal of experimental child psychology, 254, 106204. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jecp.2025.106204
Roskam, I., Aguiar, J., Akgun, E., Arikan, G., Artavia, M., Avalosse, H., Aunola, K., Bader, M., Bahati, C., Barham, E. J., Besson, E., Beyers, W., Boujut, E., Brianda, M. E., Brytek-Matera, A., Carbonneau, N., César, F., Chen, B. B., Dorard, G., Dos Santos Elias, L. C., … Mikolajczak, M. (2021). Parental Burnout Around the Globe: a 42-Country Study. Affective science, 2(1), 58–79. https://doi.org/10.1007/s42761-020-00028-4
Vogel, Erin & Rose, Jason & Roberts, Lindsay & Eckles, Katheryn. (2014). Social Comparison, Social Media, and Self-Esteem. Psychology of Popular Media Culture. 3. 206-222. 10.1037/ppm0000047.
Williamson, T., Wagstaff, D. L., Goodwin, J., & Smith, N. (2023). Mothering Ideology: A Qualitative Exploration of Mothers’ Perceptions of Navigating Motherhood Pressures and Partner Relationships. Sex roles, 88(1-2), 101–117. https://doi.org/10.1007/s11199-022-01345-7
About the author, Jen
Jen Lumanlan (M.S., M.Ed.) hosts the Your Parenting Mojo podcast (www.YourParentingMojo.com), which examines scientific research related to child development through the lens of respectful parenting.