Tired of Parenting? Strategies That Actually Work
Key Takeaways
- When you’re too tired to parent “the right way,” you’re depleted. Chronic stress limits your brain’s capacity for patience and empathy. That’s why you can’t use the tools you know.
- Try to treat yourself with the same compassion that you would treat a dear friend who is struggling in the same situation you’re in. Ask friends to reflect to you what they see in you as a parent.
- Repair quickly. A simple “I was tired and got upset. I love you” rebuilds connection faster than hours of guilt.
- Stop setting unnecessary limits like “don’t play with that box.” Save “no” for safety, wellbeing, and respect. When kids hear no constantly, they tune it out.
- Traditional parenting advice on discipline focuses on stopping behavior. But the behavior will keep happening until you address the unmet need causing it. Meeting your child’s need means your needs get met too!
- Teach kids to identify their needs and solve problems together. Once they learn these skills, they can use them without your intervention – saving you enormous energy.
- Information alone often isn’t enough to make the changes you want to see. If you need support to help you do things differently, the Parenting Membership can help.
Finding effective parenting advice on discipline can feel overwhelming especially when your kids won’t listen, and you’re tired of parenting struggles. Many parents wonder why parenting is so hard these days, and look for practical parenting strategies for defiance that actually work.
On the Your Parenting Mojo podcast, I spoke with parents Adriana and Tim about what it’s like to reach that breaking point – when you’re tired of parenting but still want to do right by your kids.
This post explores strategies for parenting that help you navigate those difficult and exhausting moments when parenting feels overwhelming and parenting in the way you want to seems out of reach.
Why Parenting Feels So Hard These Days
Parenting has always been demanding. But today’s parents face unique challenges. We’re trying to stay calm, empathic, and connected while juggling endless responsibilities, limited rest, and constant comparison on social media. No wonder parenting feels so stressful.
Here’s the core problem: Most parents today are emotionally aware enough to know what to do – but they’re too depleted to actually do it. This gap between knowledge and capacity is where exhaustion turns even gentle parenting into frustration.
Adriana captured this perfectly: “My values did not align with my actions as much as I wanted them to.” She and Tim had read so many books, and listened to endless podcasts. They understood respectful parenting. And when they were depleted – when both kids were hungry and screaming and one just threw a toy at the other one’s head – they defaulted right back to what they saw growing up.
Why generic advice falls short
The parenting books don’t know about your specific triggers. They can’t tell you how to work with your nervous system when your child screams “I hate you!” and your whole body floods with cortisol because that’s exactly what your father used to say before things got violent.
Or when your kids start fighting and you freeze because you learned early on that speaking up made things worse.
This happens because our nervous system stores patterns from childhood and activates them before our thinking brain can intervene.
Tim grew up hearing “men don’t cry” and “don’t let anybody disrespect you”. Adriana grew up in an abusive, neglectful environment, basically raising her younger brothers while their mother struggled with alcoholism.
They’d both done recovery work. They had good values. And their bodies still reacted before their brains could catch up.
Even if you had a ‘normal’ childhood, it’s possible that your needs weren’t met during your childhood, which could have created a trauma-like response in you that’s now expressed at anger toward your kids. (This quiz can help you understand whether this is the case for you.)
The impossible conditions
You’re trying to implement new skills during the worst possible conditions. It’s like learning to drive in an empty parking lot and then being thrown onto a highway in a rainstorm. The skills you practiced in calm moments don’t automatically transfer to high-stress situations without support and practice.
That’s why all those memes you’ve saved from Instagram or TikTok don’t help – they make sense in the moment you see them, but when you’re actually stressed everything you know flies out the window.
What Happens When You’re Too Tired to Parent
We’re used to thinking of exhaustion as being about sleep, but parental burnout is different. It’s more like emotional depletion. When your stress levels stay high, your brain’s capacity for patience, reasoning, and empathy drops. You might know the “right” response but find yourself yelling, shutting down, or giving in.
Research shows that chronic stress limits access to the parts of the brain responsible for self-control and empathy – making parenting feel harder. When your nervous system is dysregulated, no amount of conscious effort can override your body’s stress response.
Adriana struggled with postpartum depression and anxiety for the first two years after having her second child. “Treating my mental health problems is more than just ‘go take a bath.’ The bath totally helped. But there was more to be done.”
She had the values. She understood respectful parenting. She knew what she was supposed to do. And she still couldn’t do it when she was in the thick of it.
Signs you’re operating on empty
You know what to do but can’t actually do it. The responses you know you “should” use require emotional bandwidth you just don’t have right now. You snap before you can stop yourself. You say things you regret. You parent in ways that don’t match your values.
This happens because emotional regulation requires significant cognitive resources. When those resources are depleted by stress, sleep deprivation, or mental health challenges, your brain literally cannot access the tools you know intellectually.
You’re constantly waiting to stop surviving. Adriana and Tim kept asking themselves: “When are we going to stop just surviving?” They were doing everything they could – mindfulness, meditation, reading books, listening to podcasts. And every day still felt like just making it to bedtime.
When you’re chronically stressed, your body stays in a heightened state of alert. Your nervous system prioritizes responding to immediate demands over everything else – connection, planning, patience. When you’re operating this way day after day, even “good enough” parenting feels out of reach.
Your kids’ needs seem impossible to meet. When you have multiple kids, it can sometimes seem impossible to meet all their needs simultaneously. Both kids melting down at the same time. Both desperately wanting to be held. Both refusing to touch each other. One child crying while you’re helping the other. Everyone upset.
And then you explode – and feel guilt and shame for exploding. You apologize to your kids and say it won’t happen again…and feel shame all over again when they say: “But you said that last week too.”
When parenting advice backfires
Well-intentioned advice like “stay calm” or “take a deep breath” can create shame when you can’t implement it. You beat yourself up for not being able to do what seems simple on paper. You wonder what’s wrong with you.
Nothing is wrong with you. You’re trying to use tools designed for calm conditions in emergency conditions. Your nervous system is doing exactly what it learned to do to keep you safe – it’s just not what your kids need right now.
7 Steps for When Parenting Feels Too Hard
Here’s what actually helps when you’re too exhausted to parent the way you want to:
Click here to download the 7 Steps for When Parenting Feels Too Hard
When parenting feels too hard Step 1: Stop blaming yourself
Arguments at breakfast. Getting dressed. Brushing teeth. Transitions. Screen time. Bedtime battles that involved multiple trips back to their rooms. There are endless possibilities for interactions with our kids that end in anger.
Many parents I coach blame themselves when this happens, and tell me: “I feel like a terrible parent.”
They have probably been in this anger-self-blame cycle for a while, and it hasn’t helped them to make the change they want to see. Stopping self-blame is the first step to a different outcome.
When parenting feels too hard Step 2: Practice Self-Compassion
The next question I ask parents who are struggling with self-blame is: “How is your self-compassion practice?”
Then they look at me sheepishly and say: “Ummm…not so good.”
Most of them wouldn’t allow anyone to speak to their kids in the way they speak to themselves.
We work on practices to create a ‘bridge’ to self-compassion, like writing a letter to a friend who is struggling with the same situation, and then reading it to ourselves.
In the Parenting Membership, we host ACTion groups of up to five members plus a trained peer coach. Members come to deeply know and care for each other, and might take turns recording messages for each other that share what they see in each member.
These messages can be a lifeline in a difficult moment when we can’t see the goodness in ourselves.
Why this works: When you stop blaming yourself or your child for struggles and recognize depletion as the actual issue, you can address the root cause instead of managing symptoms. Blame and shame keep us stuck. Understanding creates possibilities for change.
When parenting feels too hard Step 3: Stop setting unnecessary limits
Adriana realized she was saying ‘no’ along the lines of seventy-eight times a day for no good reason. “Don’t play with that box.” “Don’t take those spoons out of there.” “Stop ripping that paper.”
She thought she needed a clean house. So she’d step in constantly, redirecting, stopping, saying no in lots of different ways.
When she stopped setting unnecessary limits and instead focused on strategic limits, the necessary ones actually worked. Her kids didn’t run around painting on the walls. Things didn’t descend into chaos. Life got easier.
Why this works: Each limit you set requires enforcement, which drains your energy and your child’s willingness to cooperate. When children hear “no” constantly, they tune it out as background noise – leading to emotional fatigue for everyone.
But when “no” is reserved for strategic situations – those concerning safety, wellbeing, and respect – children can actually hear and respond to it. This approach isn’t permissive; it’s thoughtful and respects the limited energy you have as a parent.
Need help setting limits that actually work? The Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits short course will help.
When parenting feels too hard Step 4: Slow down to understand what’s actually happening
A child resisting bedtime might not be “defiant”. They might be worried they’ll forget their plan for tomorrow’s project.
Tim had a breakthrough when he asked five-year-old Bodhi why he was resisting bedtime. Bodhi didn’t want to forget what colors he wanted to use on his drawing the next day.
Simple solution: they wrote down the colors on a note and taped it above his bed. Bedtime resistance: solved.
Why this works: Most “misbehavior” is actually a child trying to meet a legitimate need in the only way they know how: resistance.
When you can understand the need underneath their behavior, you often find simple solutions that meet both your needs and theirs. (Not sure what need your child is trying to meet? The Tell Me What My Child’s Need Is quiz will help!)
The child gets their needs met (remembering their plan), and you get your needs met (reasonable bedtime). This is fundamentally different from either giving in or forcing compliance.
When parenting feels too hard Step 5: Repair instead of ruminate
Tim came home from work stressed about getting the kids to bed quickly. They had planned to set up a tent for an upcoming camping trip. The kids weren’t listening – they were running around losing tent stakes. Bodhi had a hatchet and was swinging it around. The tent kept falling over.
By bedtime, nobody was having a good time.
Tim paused. “Guys, I’m really sorry that I’ve been short with you. I’m just a little worried that you’re not listening to anything I say, and we’re going camping soon. And a lot of dangerous things could happen if we’re not listening. I love you so much. And you’re so important to me.”
His daughter Remy looked at him and said: “That’s not true. You always go to work and leave us.”
The “misbehavior” wasn’t about the tent or the hatchet or bedtime. It was about an unmet need for connection.
Why this works: Repair builds resilience in your relationship. When you mess up and acknowledge it, you teach your child several crucial things: that mistakes are normal, that relationships can survive conflict, and that they’re worthy of an apology. A simple “I was tired and got upset. I love you” rebuilds safety faster than hours of guilt and rumination. Your child doesn’t need perfect parenting – they need you to show up and reconnect when things go wrong.
When parenting feels too hard Step 6: Teach your kids to solve their own problems
This is where things get exciting for parents. When you shift from controlling behavior to helping kids understand their needs, they start using those skills themselves.
Adriana changed how she responded to sibling conflicts. Instead of jumping in to separate them immediately, she started checking in: “Hey, I hear some loud voices. Do you guys need help? Are you figuring it out?”
When they needed help, she’d grab a favorite stuffed animal. Whoever’s holding it gets to say everything they need to say, without interruption. Then they brainstorm solutions together.
Here’s what happened: Bodhi (4) was coloring. Remy (3) came over and started trying to color on his paper. (Previously, this would have ended in a meltdown all around.)
Bodhi said: “Wait a second, Remy, let’s talk about this. What do you need right now?”
Remy: “I just really wanted some extra playtime with you because you’ve spent so much time coloring lately.”
Bodhi: “Okay, what if I stop coloring for a few minutes and go play with you?”
They solved it themselves. Four and three years old. No parent intervention. No timeout. No consequences. No bribes.
Why this works: When you teach problem-solving skills instead of just managing behavior, you’re investing in long-term capacity building. Your kids learn to identify their needs, communicate them clearly, and work toward solutions that respect everyone involved. Initially, this takes more time and energy than just separating fighting kids.
But once they internalize these skills, they can use them independently – which dramatically reduces the amount of refereeing you need to do. You’re not the referee anymore. You’re the coach. And that saves you enormous amounts of energy in the long run.
When parenting feels too hard Step 7: Get support when you’re stuck
You don’t need more information. You’ve probably already done a lot of research. You understand gentle parenting and respectful parenting concepts.
What you need is someone to help you figure out why it’s not working in your house, with your specific kids, given your specific triggers and history.
Here’s the gap most parents face: they know what respectful parenting looks like in theory, but they don’t know why they keep defaulting to yelling when their four-year-old refuses to put on shoes for the tenth time that week. They understand that children’s behavior is communication, but they can’t decode what their specific child is trying to communicate in the moment when everyone’s melting down.
You need someone who can see the patterns you can’t see yourself. Someone who can say “Here’s what might be happening” when you’re too close to the situation to have perspective. Someone who understands both the research and the reality of implementing it when you’re depleted.
That’s a completely different kind of support than reading another book or listening to another podcast episode.
Why this works: An outside perspective helps you see what’s actually happening underneath the surface struggles – the unmet needs, the patterns from your own childhood, the specific dynamics in your family. This helps you get clarity on why the knowledge you already have isn’t translating into action. With support, you can identify the specific barriers keeping you stuck and develop strategies that actually fit your family’s reality.
When You Feel Tired of Parenting Altogether
Adrianna and Tim were doubtful that joining the Parenting Membership would help them. When I asked them why they did anyway, they looked at each other, laughed, and said: “Desperation!”
The truth is, parenting is hard because it requires constant emotional availability from people who are already exhausted. But things can shift surprisingly quickly once you get the right support.
Not because your kids become perfect. Kids are still kids. They still have big feelings. They still fight with their siblings sometimes. They still resist bedtime occasionally.
What changes is how you show up. Tim said: “I think it’s more about how we responded to stuff that made a bigger difference.”
Adriana described an internal shift where she started feeling real compassion for her children instead of annoyance. “When my kids are having a hard time, I feel that for them. And it makes getting down and having that conversation easier. It’s not always having the problem-solving conversation in the moment, but just being there for them. ‘Ah, you must be really upset right now to say that to me. Yeah, let me know if there’s anything I can do. I’m here for you.’ And I mean it. They can feel that I mean it, you know. So it’s been a game changer.”
How to Discipline a Child When Nothing Works
Sometimes I see parents online asking: “What discipline tools do you use in X situation?” or “What consequence do you give for Y behavior”?
When we’re asking these questions, we’re missing the opportunity to understand why the child was doing the behavior in the first place.
Adrianna and Tim’s kids used to fight constantly, and Adrianna would jump in to send each child to their ‘corner.’
Their fighting triggered memories from her own childhood, and she would tell them: “Siblings aren’t supposed to do that. You guys have to be best friends.”
That approach wasn’t working – Adrianna couldn’t go to the bathroom without one of them pulling the other one’s hair out.
Why Traditional Discipline Stops Working
Kids act out because they have unmet needs and they don’t know how else to communicate them.
Parents whose kids hit each other usually find the hitting happens for one of two main reasons:
- The hitting child wants to play and doesn’t know how to ask the other one
- The hitting child wants connection with a parent, and hitting their sibling is the fastest way to get their parent’s attention.
Traditional discipline methods – timeouts, consequences, taking away privileges, spanking – focus on stopping the behavior. And they might work temporarily. Your child stops hitting because they don’t want to lose screen time or sit alone in their room.
But separating them, punishing them, or bribing them doesn’t teach them what to do instead. It doesn’t address why they hit in the first place. So the same thing happens tomorrow. And the next day. And the next.
Why this matters: When you understand that behavior is communication, you ask different questions. Instead of asking “How do I make this stop?” you start asking “What is my child trying to tell me?” That shift opens up entirely different responses – ones that actually address the underlying issue rather than just suppressing the symptom.
What Actually Works
When we talk about our own feelings and needs with our kids, they then start doing it with each other.
That’s what happened for Adrianna and Tim. Bodhi didn’t ask about Remy’s need for play out of nowhere. Adrianna had laid the groundwork in first working to understand Bodhi’s needs:
“I see you don’t like either of the options I’m proposing. Do you need autonomy? Do you want to make this decision yourself?”
“I see you not wanting to go to bed, and I’m wondering if you have a need for more connection with me? Could we do that after dinner tomorrow?”
“It’s hard for me to hear you ask for help in that tone. Are you feeling overwhelmed right now? Are you hoping for help to make things a bit easier this evening?”
The next step was Bodhi resisting going to bed with Tim’s ‘help’ – and Bodhi saying: “Mom would ask me what my needs are!” That’s how they uncovered his concern that he would forget the colors he wanted to use the next day.
Then just a few weeks after that, the kids were using these tools with each other.
And… (drumroll please…) Adrianna could finally go to the bathroom by herself.
With the door closed.
And know that all kids would still have all body parts when she re-emerged.
Why this works: Children are capable of far more emotional intelligence than we typically give them credit for. When we model problem-solving – identifying feelings and needs, and brainstorming strategies to meet everyone’s needs – they absorb those patterns.
Then they start applying them in their own relationships. My own daughter’s preschool peers would look to her to help facilitate their conflicts. This doesn’t happen overnight, but it happens faster than you might think when you consistently use these tools.
Getting Support When Parenting Strategies Aren’t Working
If you’re stuck in a cycle of exhaustion and reactivity, it might be time to get support. You need three things to make actual change happen:
Research-based information tailored to your family. Not just the latest trending parenting advice, but an understanding of what the whole body of scientific research actually says and how to apply it to your specific situation. Generic advice fails because it doesn’t account for your unique nervous system, your triggers, your family dynamics.
A supportive community. Other parents who share your values. Who won’t judge you when you admit you yelled at your kid this morning. Who understand what you’re trying to do and can offer perspective when you’re stuck. Community provides both validation that you’re not alone and practical wisdom from people navigating similar challenges.
Help when you get stuck. Because you will get stuck. We all do. When that happens, you have two choices: drop back into your old habits, or figure out what didn’t work and why, and how to try differently next time. This is where coaching makes the difference – someone who can help you see the patterns you can’t see yourself and identify the specific barriers keeping you stuck.
That third piece is what makes the difference between reading another book and actually changing your family dynamics.
Inside the Parenting Membership, we help parents rebuild emotional capacity and learn strategies that actually work – especially when nothing else does. You get monthly content on different parenting challenges, access to a private community, group coaching calls where you can talk directly with me, and small groups of peers who meet weekly and form deep connections as you work through challenges together.
Tim said something unexpected: “If someone was to ask me, I would say it’s as valuable for our marriage as it is for the kids.” He and Adriana realized they weren’t extending the same respect to each other that they were learning to give their children. The tools you learn for parenting help with every relationship in your life.
The Parenting Membership is opening for enrollment soon with Black Friday pricing. Click the banner to learn more.
Final Thoughts
Parenting will always have hard days. You’ll still get tired, frustrated, and overwhelmed – but each time you pause, repair, or rest, you’re changing the pattern.
You don’t need to parent perfectly. (Perfect parents don’t actually exist.) You just have to keep showing up with compassion for yourself as well as your child.
Adriana gained confidence in seeing her own needs as valid: “I spent a long time trying to be somebody that I wasn’t. And doing that totally makes seeing your own needs impossible. Because even if you do see them, they’re not valid.”
Tim learned to show emotion with his kids despite his “men don’t cry” upbringing: “I was totally raised on not showing emotion and not letting people see your weaknesses. But I do know the value in it. And it makes it possible for me, and I know it’s going to get us to where we need to be.”
These weren’t small shifts. These were fundamental changes in how they understood themselves, their kids, and their relationships. And it happened faster than they expected.
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Frequently Asked Questions About Parenting
1. Why is parenting so hard these days?
Today’s parents face a unique challenge: they know what to do but are too depleted to actually do it. You’re trying to stay calm and connected while juggling endless responsibilities with limited rest. Your nervous system stores patterns from your own childhood and activates them before your thinking brain can intervene. When you’re chronically stressed, your brain literally can’t access the parenting tools you know intellectually. This gap between knowledge and capacity is where exhaustion turns even the best intentions into frustration.
2. What to do when parenting is too hard?
Start by recognizing you’re depleted, not failing. Stop setting unnecessary limits – save “no” for things that truly matter so your kids actually listen. Slow down to understand what’s driving the behavior instead of just reacting to it. When you mess up, repair quickly with a simple “I was tired and got upset. I love you.” Teach your kids to identify their own needs and solve problems together. And get support from someone who can help you figure out why things aren’t working with your specific kids and triggers.
3. How do you discipline a child when nothing works?
Traditional discipline fails because it focuses on stopping behavior without addressing why it’s happening. Kids don’t act out because they’re “bad” – they have unmet needs and don’t know how to communicate them yet. Instead of asking “How do I make this stop?” ask “What is my child trying to tell me?” Teach them to identify and communicate their needs. They can often find highly creative strategies that meet your needs as well! This addresses the actual issue instead of just suppressing the symptom.
4. How do you deal with parental exhaustion?
Parental exhaustion isn’t just about getting more sleep. You may be emotionally depleted as well. It’s important to address the root causes, not just manage symptoms. Stop blaming yourself and recognize that constant conflict happens when everyone’s operating on empty. Reduce unnecessary demands by only setting limits that truly matter. Focus on repair instead of rumination when things go wrong. Teach your kids problem-solving skills so they can handle conflicts without you. And treat underlying mental health issues – it’s more than just taking a bath or practicing self-care.
5. Can you get burnout from parenting?
Absolutely. When your stress levels stay high, you might know the “right” response but find yourself yelling, shutting down, or giving in anyway. You’re constantly waiting to stop just surviving. You snap before you can stop yourself and parent in ways that don’t match your values. Chronic stress keeps your body in a heightened state of alert, and your nervous system prioritizes responding to immediate demands over connection and patience. When you’re operating this way day after day, even “good enough” parenting seems out of reach.
6. What are the best parenting strategies when kids won’t listen?
Kids often aren’t listening because they have an unmet need they can’t communicate. Instead of repeating commands, slow down and ask what’s going on. One dad discovered his son resisted bedtime because he worried about forgetting the colors he wanted to use on his drawing the next day – they wrote it down and bedtime resistance disappeared. Teach kids to identify their needs and brainstorm solutions together. When siblings fight, ask if they need help or if they’re figuring it out themselves. Give them problem-solving tools they can use without you, which saves enormous energy long-term.
7. Why do I find parenting so stressful?
Parenting asks for constant emotional availability from people who are already exhausted. Research shows chronic stress limits access to the parts of your brain responsible for self-control and empathy. When you have multiple kids, it’s physically impossible to meet all their needs simultaneously sometimes. Both kids melting down at once. Both wanting to be held. Nobody’s needs getting met. This isn’t a problem you solve by trying harder. You need different tools that work within your capacity limitations and address why your body reacts the way it does.
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About the author, Jen
Jen Lumanlan (M.S., M.Ed.) hosts the Your Parenting Mojo podcast (www.YourParentingMojo.com), which examines scientific research related to child development through the lens of respectful parenting.