129: The physical reasons you yell at your kids

Why do we yell at our children – even when we know we shouldn’t?

Why isn’t just knowing what to do enough to actually interact with our children in a way that aligns with our values?

For many of us, the reason we struggle to actually implement the ideas we know we want to use is because we’ve experienced trauma in our lives. This may be the overt kind that we can objectively say was traumatic (divorce, abuse, death among close family members…), or it may simply be the additive effect of having our needs disregarded over and over again by the people who were supposed to protect us.

These experiences cause us to feel ‘triggered’ by our children’s behavior – because their mess and lack of manners and resistance remind us subconsciously of the ways that we were punished as children for doing very similar things. These feelings don’t just show up in our brains, they also have deep connections to our bodies (in spite of the Western idea that the body and brain are essentially separate!).

If we don’t decide to take a different path and learn new tools to enable us to respond effectively to our child rather than reacting in the heat of the moment, and because our physical experience is so central to how this trauma shows up in our daily lives, we also need to understand and process this trauma through our bodies.

If you need help understanding the source of your triggered feelings and learning new ways to navigate them so you can feel triggered less often, my popular and highly effective Taming Your Triggers workshop is open for registration through midnight Pacific on Sunday February 28 for a Monday March 1 start. Sliding scale pricing is available, and the community meets on a platform that isn’t Facebook! Please reach out to support@yourparentingmojo.com if you have questions about the workshop.

Click here to learn more about Taming Your Triggers

 

Jump to highlights:

  • (01:00) This episode’s rationale
  • (03:12) The two ways trauma shows up in broader family relationships
  • (05:27) The separateness of the brain and the body has a long history in Western culture
  • (06:05) Rene Descartes on the schism of mind and body
  • (07:12) The held belief of the mind as superior to the rest of the body
  • (08:09) The inherent bias of data
  • (09:42) The lies our brain tells us
  • (12:54) The so-called 4 ‘truths’ of the physical experience of trauma
  • (16:22) When we are not attuned to the signals that our body is giving us
  • (19:01) Difficulty in identifying feelings for people who experienced trauma
  • (22:16) Saying OK when you aren’t really OK
  • (26:19) The difference between reacting and responding
  • (27:10) Using physical experience to bring order to the chaos in our minds
  • (31:15) The first step to creating a safe environment for your child
  • (33:26) The root of our inability to create meaningful relationships
  • (34:18) Equipping ourselves with the tools to regulate our arousal

 

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About the author, Jen

Jen Lumanlan (M.S., M.Ed.) hosts the Your Parenting Mojo podcast (www.YourParentingMojo.com), which examines scientific research related to child development through the lens of respectful parenting.

Her Finding Your Parenting Mojo membership group supports parents in putting the research into action in their real lives, with their real families. Find more info at www.YourParentingMojo.com/Membership

She also launched the most comprehensive course available to help parents decide whether homeschooling could be right for their family. Find out more about it – and take a free seven-question quiz to get a personalized assessment of your own homeschooling readiness at www.YourHomeschoolingMojo.com

And for parents who are committed to public school but recognize the limitations in that system, she has a course to help support children's learning in school at https://jenlumanlan.teachable.com/p/school

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