1. Parents may argue about parenting due to different childhood experiences, stress, and clashing parenting philosophies.
   
2. The most common parenting disagreements are screen time, bedtime routines, food choices, homework expectations, discipline approaches, and conflicting parenting styles.
   
3. Parenting arguments get stuck because of the “Four Horsemen” communication patterns: criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling make resolution impossible.
   
4. How can parents handle disagreements in the moment? Help everyone regulate first, validate feelings all around, and offer simple solutions that respect both parents.
   
5. What strategies help resolve parenting conflicts? Focus on feelings and needs, use the validation ladder, listen to understand, and remember you’re on the same team

Do you and your parenting partner have the same fights over and over again? Does one of you want to take a more intentional approach to parenting while the other prefers to follow their intuition? Or perhaps you keep hitting the same wall when discussing discipline, screen time, or bedtime routines?  This might sound like:

You: “I wish you wouldn’t yell at the kids.”

Partner: “I don’t yell at them as much as YOU do!”  or: “Yeah, because you’re such a perfect parent, with all your reading and podcasts…” or: [walks away in silence]

Maybe you don’t even bring these topics up anymore, because you know it’s too triggering – so you just exist in uneasy silence.

If you’re nodding your head, I want you to know that you are not the only one. It might have seemed like everything was fine before we had kinds, but we come from such different places that we disagree a lot on how we parent our kids!

In this post we’ll look at why parents argue, what they commonly disagree about, and how to work through these challenges together. The goal isn’t to never disagree, but to handle your differences in ways that make your relationship stronger. This also shows your children how to work through conflicts in healthy ways.

Why do parents argue about parenting?

Parents argue about parenting for several important reasons:

Reason #1: Different childhood experiences shape our expectations

How we were raised strongly affects how we think children should be raised. If you grew up where kids were supposed to be quiet and follow rules, but your partner grew up where kids were encouraged to speak their minds, you might not agree about how much input children should have in family choices.  

These effects are heightened when one or both of you has experienced trauma in childhood, which can shape how you respond to your child’s difficult behavior. (If you need help understanding the root causes of your reactivity and want practical tools to address them, check out the Calm Parent Toolkit.) 

Reason #2: Stress amplifies parenting tensions

When parents are tired, stressed out, or have too much going on, small parenting differences can escalate quickly. When you’re not getting enough sleep with a new baby, or when money is tight, even tiny disagreements can feel like huge problems.

Reason #3: Parenting philosophies often clash

Some parents value structure and rules, while others focus more on freedom and letting children make choices. These basic differences in parenting style can lead to arguments about everyday decisions.

6 Common parenting disagreements

There are six topics that parents tend to argue about more than others:

Argument #1: Managing children’s digital device use

In our digital world, screen time has become one of the most common sources of parenting arguments. A parent might think technology helps kids learn and get ready for the future. The other parent might worry it could become a problem and affect how kids make friends.  And both of you might wish that your child would be able to get off screens without a meltdown, but have different ideas about how to do that.

Argument #2: Bedtime boundaries

How can we get our kids to stay in bed at bedtime? This seemingly simple question sparks countless parenting disagreements. One parent thinks that a strict routine is the answer, while the other wants to be flexible and spontaneous.

Parents frequently disagree about:

• How strictly to enforce bedtimes
• Whether weekends should have different rules
• Bedtime routines and how long they should take
• How to handle bedtime resistance and night wakings

Argument #3: Food and nutrition concerns

Food choices often cause disagreements between parents. One parent might allow occasional treats while another maintains stricter nutritional standards.

Food disagreements often feel so intense because they touch on deep values around health, cultural traditions, and even memories from our own childhoods. When one parent grew up with home-cooked meals every night while the other was raised with more convenience foods, expectations around family meals can clash dramatically.

Parents may disagree not just about what foods to serve but about broader food-related questions:

• Should children be required to try everything on their plate?
• Should they have to try a food once before declining it?
• How to handle picky eating and vegetable refusal
• Whether food should ever be used as a reward or comfort
• How to balance nutrition with flexibility at social events
• Sugar consumption and its effects on children’s behavior

Argument #4: Homework and academic expectations

Parents often disagree about how much to help with homework, appropriate academic pressure, and balancing achievement with childhood enjoyment. 

Academic disagreements can stem from parents’ different definitions of success. One parent might emphasize grades and achievement while another prioritizes curiosity and enjoyment of learning. These differences may reflect each parent’s cultural background, and how well they did in school.

Argument #5: Discipline disagreements

Discipline disagreements are one of the most challenging parenting arguments. These conflicts touch on our deepest values and trigger strong emotional responses.

Parents frequently argue about:

• Whether physical punishment is ever appropriate
• How to handle tantrums and emotional outbursts
• When to enforce consequences versus when to show leniency
• Whether to use rewards and incentives to get the behavior we want to see

When parents disagree on discipline, children quickly learn to play one parent against the other. This undermines both parents’ authority and creates confusion for children about boundaries and expectations.

Argument #6. Conflicting parenting styles

Parenting styles reflect our fundamental beliefs about child development. When parents disagree on parenting styles, daily decisions can become battlegrounds.

According to Dr. Diana Baumrind, the four main parenting styles include:

• Authoritative: High warmth with clear boundaries
• Authoritarian: Strict rules with less emotional warmth
• Permissive: High warmth with fewer boundaries
• Uninvolved: Low warmth and minimal boundaries

When we each use different parenting styles, conflict seems almost inevitable.  Fortunately, these four parenting styles aren’t the only ones we can use (despite what you may have read!). 

Why do we get stuck in the same arguments over and over?

When we argue with our partners, we often fall into patterns that make resolution impossible. According to research by Dr. John and Julie Gottman, four communication patterns can destroy productive conversation. They call these the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse“:

1. Criticism: Attacking your partner’s character rather than addressing a specific behavior. This sounds like “You always…” or “You never…” or “Why do you…?”
2. Defensiveness: Trying to protect yourself or counter-attack when you feel criticized. This might sound like: “I let him have screen time because I needed to make dinner! What about all the chores you weren’t helping with?”
3. Contempt: Showing disrespect through sarcasm, name-calling, eye-rolling, or hostile humor. This is the most destructive pattern.
4. Stonewalling: Withdrawing from the conversation completely – tuning out, shutting down, or giving the silent treatment.

Most arguments begin with criticism, which triggers defensiveness.  This may go on to create contempt or stonewalling, and we leave the argument feeling discouraged, overwhelmed, and hopeless.

How to resolve parenting arguments

The good news is that with the right tools, you can break these patterns and have more productive conversations about parenting. Here’s how:

Click here to download the printable guide on how to resolve parenting arguments

Resolution strategy #1: Manage “In the Moment” Conflicts

When you see your partner disciplining your child in a way that doesn’t align with your values, your instinct might be to intervene immediately. However, this often makes things worse. Instead, try this approach:

• Help everyone regulate first: Move closer, perhaps gently placing a hand on your partner’s shoulder. Use your calm presence to help de-escalate the situation.
• Validate feelings all around: Say something like, “It sounds like you’re really frustrated about the toys not being picked up, and that makes sense after a long day” (to your partner) and “It seems like you were in the middle of your game and weren’t ready to stop” (to your child).
• Offer a simple solution: “What if we set a timer for five minutes to finish the game and then clean up together?”

This approach preserves everyone’s dignity and prevents your children from learning to play one parent off against the other.

Resolution strategy #2: Focus on feelings and needs, not judgments

When sharing your perspective, avoid disguising judgments as feelings (like “I feel criticized”). Instead, identify and share your true feelings (sad, scared, frustrated) and the needs behind them.

For example, instead of saying “I feel like you’re not taking parenting seriously,” try “When we disagree about discipline, I feel worried because I need some consistency in how we respond to challenging behaviors.”

Resolution strategy #3: Use the validation ladder

Dr. Caroline Fleck’s validation ladder provides different levels of validation to use when responding to what your partner shares:

• Be present: Give your full attention without waiting for your turn to speak
• Accurately reflect: “What I’m hearing is that you feel overwhelmed when our son has a meltdown in public. Is that right?”
• Contextualize or equalize: “Given how your parents reacted to misbehavior in public, it makes sense you’d want to stop it quickly” (contextualize) or “Most parents struggle with public tantrums—I certainly do” (equalize)
• Make a proposal: “I’m wondering if you felt that mix of embarrassment and pressure to get them under control before everyone started staring?”
• Express true empathy: Share genuine reactions to what they’re sharing (“That’s so hard!”)
• Take action: Suggest what you will do differently next time to support your partner (“I’m wondering if you felt more stressed because I asked you to stop at the bank before the grocery store.  Maybe next time we could make sure not to stack too many errands up for the person who has the kids.”)

Resolution strategy #4: Listen to understand, not to respond

During disagreements, we often listen just enough to form our counter-argument. Instead:

• Give your full attention to your partner
• Reflect back what you heard to make sure you understand
• Validate their perspective even if you disagree

This creates safety that allows for deeper sharing and understanding.

Resolution strategy #5: Take breaks when needed

If you notice yourself or your partner becoming too emotionally activated (heart racing, face hot, muscles tense, using any one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse), it’s a sign you need a break. The brain simply cannot problem-solve effectively in this state.

Say: “I’m feeling overwhelmed right now. Can we take a 20-minute break and come back to this?”

Resolution strategy #6: Create a culture of appreciation

Make it a habit to notice and express appreciation for the things your partner does well – in parenting, and in other areas as well. This builds goodwill that makes tough conversations easier.  A culture of appreciation is the antidote to contempt, which is the Horseman that is most toxic for relationships.

Resolution strategy #7: Build a support system

Sometimes parenting arguments become entrenched, with both parents convinced they’re right. In these cases, parenting books, classes, family therapy or having a community of other parents you can trust and respect your values can provide valuable perspective and tools for moving forward.

Resolution strategy #8: Remember you’re on the same team

Despite your differences, remember that you both want what’s best for your children. Approaching disagreements from this mindset—that you’re teammates with different perspectives, not opponents—changes the entire tone of parenting arguments.

Need more support with parenting arguments?

If you’re tired of going around in circles with the same parenting disagreements, you’re not alone. Parents in our community have shared how exhausting these ongoing conflicts can be—and how they’ve found relief through our supportive Parenting Membership.

The Parenting Membership provides evidence-based tools and a supportive community to help you navigate parenting with confidence. Instead of endless Google searches or conflicting advice from family members, you’ll gain access to:

• Monthly research-backed modules on common parenting challenges (including a deep dive on how to handle disagreements with partners that takes the best of the Gottmans’ approach and also overcomes its weaknesses if Gottman-based therapy didn’t work for you)
• Monthly group coaching calls where you can get personalized guidance to so you feel confident about the direction you’re headed
• A supportive community of parents to walk this journey alongside you

Parents in our membership often say that being in the membership helps them move beyond stuck points in their parenting journey. 

As parent Sarah shared about how the membership helped them: “It’s been the shift in our relationship and how we navigate our conflict that has been the biggest change.”

Ready to transform your parenting struggles into opportunities for growth? Click the banner to learn more.

Final thoughts

Remember that the goal isn’t necessarily to “solve” every parenting disagreement. The real win is being able to talk about these differences without having a major blowup on an issue. Then you can try different approaches, evaluate how they’re working, and adjust as needed.

Even the most compatible parents will disagree sometimes. The difference between struggling couples and thriving ones isn’t the absence of conflict—it’s how they navigate it together.

What parenting disagreement would you like to approach differently with your partner?

Frequently Asked Questions About Parenting Disagreements

1. Why do my partner and I keep having the same arguments about parenting?

Recurring arguments often happen because of your different childhood experiences, parenting philosophies, and stress levels. How you were raised shapes your expectations for how children should behave. When you’re tired or overwhelmed, these differences feel bigger. Understanding these root causes can help you approach disagreements with more compassion and find common ground.

2. What are the most common things parents argue about? 

The top disagreements include screen time management, bedtime routines, food and nutrition choices, homework expectations, discipline approaches, and conflicting overall parenting styles. These issues often feel intense because they connect to your deepest values about raising children and may reflect different priorities between structure and flexibility.

3. How can we handle a disagreement about our parenting approaches when it’s happening in front of our child? 

First, try to help everyone regulate.  Take a break if needed. Then validate both your partner’s and child’s feelings without taking sides. Finally, offer a simple solution that respects everyone in the moment, even if this isn’t a forever-strategy. This approach prevents your child from playing one parent against the other and models healthy conflict resolution.  You can come back and talk about what to do next time the issue comes up when everyone is fully regulated.

4. What does healthy communication look like during parenting disagreements? 

Healthy communication focuses on feelings and needs instead of judgments. Share what you feel (sad, scared, frustrated) and the needs behind those feelings. Listen to understand rather than to respond. Use the validation ladder: be present, reflect what you hear, contextualize their perspective, and express genuine empathy.

5. When should we take a break from a parenting discussion? 

Take a break when you notice physical signs of being emotionally activated—heart racing, face hot, muscles tense. Your brain literally cannot problem-solve effectively in this state. Say something like, “I’m feeling overwhelmed right now. Can we take a 20-minute break and come back to this?” Then return to the conversation when calmer.

6. How do different parenting styles affect our disagreements? 

The four main parenting styles—authoritative (warm with clear boundaries), authoritarian (strict with less warmth), permissive (warm with fewer boundaries), and uninvolved—often clash when partners favor different approaches. Even though research has shown that authoritative is the ‘best’ parenting style, it’s only the best of the four styles commonly studied.  An approach that considers and meets both parent’s and child’s needs is most sustainable in the long term.

References

Baumrind, D. (1966). Effects of Authoritative Parental Control on Child Behavior. Child Development, 37(4), 887–907. https://doi.org/10.2307/1126611

Durtschi, J. A., Soloski, K. L., & Kimmes, J. (2017). The Dyadic Effects of Supportive Coparenting and Parental Stress on Relationship Quality Across the Transition to Parenthood. Journal of marital and family therapy, 43(2), 308–321. https://doi.org/10.1111/jmft.12194

Gallagher-Squires, C., Isaacs, A., Reynolds, C., & Coleman, P. C. (2023). Snacking practices from infancy to adolescence: parental perspectives from longitudinal lived experience research in England. Proceedings of the Nutrition Society, 1–9. doi:10.1017/S0029665123003592

Gottman, J.M., Cole, C., Cole, D.L. (2019). Four Horsemen in Couple and Family Therapy. In: Lebow, J.L., Chambers, A.L., Breunlin, D.C. (eds) Encyclopedia of Couple and Family Therapy. Springer, Cham. https://doi.org/10.1007/978-3-319-49425-8_179

Greene, C. A., Haisley, L., Wallace, C., & Ford, J. D. (2020, July 23). Intergenerational effects of childhood maltreatment: A systematic review of the parenting practices of adult survivors of childhood abuse, neglect, and violence. Clinical Psychology Review. https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0272735820300799

Lumanlan, J. (2024, April 14). How to get on the same page as your parenting partner. Your Parenting Mojo. Retrieved from: https://yourparentingmojo.com/captivate-podcast/parentingpartners/

Lumanlan, J. (2025, April 20). Parent Conflict Over Discipline: How to Get on the Same Page. Your Parenting Mojo. Retrieved from: https://yourparentingmojo.com/captivate-podcast/parents-disagree-on-discipline/

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1. Sibling relationships are important because they’re a child’s first peer relationship.  They set the foundation for all future social interactions, affecting development from risk behaviors to healthcare access.
   
2. While many assume fighting is “just what siblings do,” constant conflict isn’t inevitable. Some anthropologists suggest sibling rivalry may even be a Euro-centric cultural invention.
   
3. Sibling fighting stems from unmet needs, developmental differences in navigating relationships, and perceived unfair treatment by parents.
   
4. What’s the best way to handle sibling fights? Create a pause before reacting, focus on feelings rather than blame, and have problem-solving conversations later when everyone is calm.
   
5. How can parents foster positive sibling relationships? Dedicate predictable one-on-one time with each child, teach problem-solving skills, and frame sibling bonds positively.

Have you ever found yourself playing referee for the third time before breakfast? 

As a parent of multiple children, those moments when siblings are genuinely enjoying each other can feel like magical but rare occurrences in a sea of “That’s MINE!” and “MOM! He’s looking at me!” 

If you’re exhausted from constantly mediating conflicts and wondering if your children will ever truly be friends, many other parents of siblings are right there with you. You might dream of peaceful family dinners that aren’t interrupted by arguments, or car rides that don’t dissolve into backseat battles over who’s crossing the invisible line. 

This post will guide you through practical approaches to reduce the fighting and help your children build the kind of relationships that will support them throughout their lives.

Why sibling relationships matter

Sibling relationships are incredibly important for child development. They serve as a child’s first peer relationship and set the foundation for their future relationships. How siblings interact with each other is how they learn to engage with people their own age – from friends at school to future colleagues and romantic partners.

Research shows that sibling relationships impact many developmental outcomes including:

• • Risk behaviors in adolescence: Siblings can significantly influence each other’s choices around risky behaviors. Older siblings often serve as role models, with younger siblings sometimes following their lead. 
  • Gender development and relationship competence: Through their interactions, siblings help shape each other’s understanding of gender roles and how to relate to others. These early relationship experiences become templates for future friendships and romantic relationships. Siblings practice important social skills like perspective-taking, empathy, and conflict resolution.
  • Health outcomes: Children in supportive sibling relationships tend to have better immune function and fewer stress-related health issues. The chronic stress from high-conflict sibling relationships can take a physical toll. Additionally, siblings often influence each other’s eating habits, physical activity levels, and attitudes toward health behaviors, creating patterns that can last into adulthood.
  • Access to healthcare as adults: As people age, siblings often become important sources of support for accessing healthcare. Adult siblings frequently help each other navigate the healthcare system, share information about health resources, provide transportation to medical appointments, and offer emotional support during health challenges.

Is sibling rivalry normal?

Many parents assume fighting between siblings is ‘normal.’ We often hear phrases like “that’s just what siblings do” or “all siblings fight.” But does this have to be the case?

What we permit, we promote. When we allow sibling fights to continue without intervention, we’re actually encouraging this behavior to continue. This doesn’t mean jumping in every time, but strategic intervention sends the message to our kids: “I think we can do better than this.  I think we can find ways to meet both of your needs.”

Anthropologists who study sibling relationships around the world have suggested that sibling rivalry might be a Euro-centric invention. In many cultures with strong family values, the idea of fighting over possessions isn’t common because children don’t have “their own” things – everything belongs to the family.

Why do siblings fight?

Understanding why siblings fight is key to addressing the problem. Here are the most common causes:

Sibling fight cause #1: Unmet needs

When children engage in difficult behaviors, it’s always an attempt to meet an unmet need. Our job as parents is to be “needs detectives” to uncover what that need might be.

Common unmet needs include:

• Need for connection with parents: Your child might start a fight to get your attention – even if it’s negative attention!
• Need to be known and understood: Children want to feel seen for who they really are.  If this need isn’t met they can feel generally frustrated, and siblings’ behavior can push them over the edge
• Need for fairness and justice: This doesn’t have to mean that everyone gets exactly the same, but rather that everyone’s specific needs are met.

Sibling fight cause #2: Developmental differences

In many non-Eurocentric cultures, siblings have clearly defined roles based on age or gender. Older siblings may have caretaking responsibilities for younger ones. These established roles can actually reduce conflict because everyone knows their place.

In Eurocentric cultures we value more equal relationships, which can be harder to navigate – especially for young children. Every day, they have to figure out how to interact with each other without established norms guiding them.

Sibling fight cause #3: Perceived unfair treatment by parents

Children don’t like it when they think their parents are treating them unfairly.  They notice discrepancies, even when parents think and say that they treat all children alike. 

Parents often try to address this by making sure that each child gets exactly the same as the other (equality) – but then they’re surprised when this doesn’t address the fighting.  Instead of equality, think equity: each child gets what they need to thrive.  When that happens, they won’t resent the other child getting something different from them.

How to handle sibling fights

When siblings are in conflict, try these strategies:

Sibling fighting strategy #1: Create a pause before reacting

One of the most important things parents can do is create a pause between their child’s behavior and their response. Instead of rushing in when you hear fighting, take a deep breath. Transfer a hair tie from one wrist to another, or look at encouraging phrases you’ve posted around the house.

Remind yourself that you don’t have to completely fix the situation right now or teach your child a lesson at this moment. All you need to do is make sure everyone is safe.

Sibling fighting strategy #2: Focus on feelings and needs

When entering the situation, instead of saying “Stop hitting your sister!” or “Give that back, he had it first!” try something simple like: “Sounds like you’re both having a hard time right now, huh?” This acknowledges what’s happening without immediately taking sides or rushing to fix the problem. 

Then, pause.  Breathe.  Sit together.  Offer a hug, if either child would like one.  Just be present without needing to fix anything or make anyone learn a lesson in that moment.

When everyone is re-regulated, help children identify their underlying feelings. You may find that they’re ready to move on at that point!

This approach creates space for children to move from reaction to reflection, teaching them that all emotions are acceptable while helping them develop the vocabulary to express themselves in more constructive ways.

Sibling fighting strategy #3: Have a problem-solving conversation later

Later, when everyone is calm, approach the older child and say something like: “Hey, I noticed we’ve been having a hard time when your toys are out in the living room. Would it be OK if we chat about it?”

Notice this approach:

• Uses “we’re having a hard time” not “you’re doing something wrong”
• Invites the child into the discussion rather than forcing it

During this conversation:

1. Ask what’s going on for them: “What’s going on for you when your sister knocks over your tower?”
2. Validate their feelings: “It makes sense that you’re feeling frustrated about having to start all over again. Starting over when you’ve already put in effort is tough.”
3. Ask them to consider their sibling’s perspective: “What do you think your sister was trying to do?”
4. Identify everyone’s needs: “So it sounds like you wanted space to build, and your sister wanted to help and be close to you.”
5. Brainstorm solutions that meet everyone’s needs: “I wonder what we could do that meets everyone’s needs?”  Strategies might include:
   1. Giving the little sibling a few toys to play with
   2. Offering a small part of the build for them to lead
   3. Offering play time with a parent to the little sibling while the older one builds

6 Ways to foster positive sibling relationships

Building strong bonds between siblings doesn’t happen by chance—it requires intentional parenting strategies and consistent support. While sibling conflict is normal and even developmentally appropriate, parents play a crucial role in shaping how children learn to navigate these relationships. 

Here are six approaches to help siblings get along that can transform your home from a battleground to a training ground for lifelong friendship:

Positive relationship strategy #1: Dedicate one-on-one time

Spend predictable one-on-one time with each child where they get to decide what you do together. Even just 10 minutes daily can make a huge difference.

Make this “Special Time” predictable so they know it will happen regularly. This reduces their fear that they’ll never get your attention again, which can lead to fighting for attention.

Positive relationships strategy #2: Teach problem-solving skills

Parents can have a huge role in helping children learn problem-solving and conflict resolution skills. 

Parents might think that they should leave young children to figure their disagreements out by themselves, but kids under 10 usually need adult support.

Parents can support siblings by helping them to understand how they each feel, what they each need, and help them come up with solutions that meet both of their needs.

Use the “I do it, We do it, You do it” approach:

• First, you model problem-solving by giving them the words and asking the questions over a period of several months
• Then, you work together as they start doing some of it themselves, particularly when the fight isn’t so severe and they aren’t completely dysregulated
• Finally, you hand it off: “I think you have all the tools you need to solve this together.  I’m here if you need support.”

Positive relationships strategy #3: Talk about siblings positively

The words we use matter tremendously. When you’re talking with one child, always start by validating that child’s experience.  Make it clear you get what’s hard for them.  Then try to help them see things from the other child’s perspective:

“I can see you’re having a really hard time with this.  You don’t like being spoken to like that, or being hit.  I want you to feel safe in our house [validation].  I think your sibling has a hard time in the mornings because they like to wake up slowly, and you’re often ready to go right after you get out of bed.  I wonder how we can make mornings a little bit easier for them?” [taking the other’s perspective]  

Positive relationship strategy #4: Acknowledge each child’s unique experience

Parents often want the older child to be sensitive to the fact that the younger child “doesn’t know yet.” While this is valid, we must also acknowledge how hard that must be for the older child.

If we don’t acknowledge their experience, resentment builds: “I just keep being expected to put up with this behavior.”

This compounds when the older child has to wait for everything because the younger sibling ‘can’t wait,’ and doesn’t get to spend time connecting with caregivers as much as they used to. 

Try to empathize with the child who is struggling.  It’s OK to say: “It’s really hard to be an older sibling sometimes, huh?”

Positive relationship strategy #5: Create physical solutions when needed

Some practical strategies you can try:

• When your Spidey Senses tell you that things are heating up, move closer.  Your supportive presence may be enough…if not, you’ll be present to stop hits if things head in that direction
• Change locations to help reset emotions – even just moving to another room can help calm everyone down
• Create a designated “peace table” or special spot in your home where children go to solve problems
• Use physical barriers when needed (like baby gates) to create separate spaces while still allowing interaction

Positive relationship strategy #6: Talk openly about differences in treatment

Talk openly about why you might treat siblings differently. When children understand the reasons why you’re treating them differently, it becomes less of a big deal. 

For example, if one child needs extra help with homework, explain this to the other child.  Then mention how you make sure to attend their soccer practice like they’ve asked, because that’s meaningful to them.

What’s more important than treating each child the same is treating each child in a way that meets their needs.

Final thoughts

Building strong sibling relationships takes time and intentional effort, but the rewards are enormous. By focusing on meeting each child’s needs, teaching problem-solving skills, and modeling positive conflict resolution, you can help your children develop relationships that will support them throughout their lives.

Remember that progress might be slow at first, but keep at it. As parent Adrianna shared, “I literally dreaded parenting. I counted down the minutes until I got a break. What a difference to really look forward to things I used to dread.”

The skills your children learn navigating their sibling relationships will serve them in every relationship they have throughout their lives. That’s worth the effort!

Turn sibling battles into cooperation without losing your cool

Are you tired of mediating endless conflicts between your children? Exhausted by behaviors that leave you feeling frustrated and questioning your parenting choices? There’s a different way—one that doesn’t involve constant punishment or giving in to every demand.

Join my Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits Self-Guided Workshop and discover a more effective approach to setting limits. You’ll learn the real reason why your kids are resisting you (and what to do about it!) and how to nurture cooperation while maintaining your sanity.

As parent Amy said: “Our kids have been so much more helpful and we have all been so much happier without all the power struggles. What a change!”

The skills you’ll learn don’t just apply to sibling conflict—they’ll transform how you handle all challenging behaviors!

Take the first step toward a more peaceful home where siblings know how to work through disagreements and everyone feels heard and respected.

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Frequently Asked Questions About Sibling Relationships

1. Why are sibling relationships important for child development?

Sibling relationships serve as a child’s first peer relationship and set the foundation for all future social interactions. These connections teach children how to engage with people their own age, resolve conflicts, and develop empathy. Research shows sibling relationships significantly impact developmental outcomes including risk behaviors in adolescence, gender development, relationship competence, and even health outcomes later in life.

2. Is sibling rivalry normal, or should I be concerned about constant fighting?

While occasional conflicts between siblings are normal, constant fighting isn’t inevitable. Many cultures don’t experience the same level of sibling rivalry as families in Eurocentric cultures. What we permit, we promote—when we allow fights to continue without strategic intervention, we’re actually encouraging this behavior. 

Rather than accepting “that’s just what siblings do,” step forward and support them while they’re young, and they’ll be able to handle disagreements by themselves before you know it.

3. What are the main causes of sibling fighting?

Sibling fighting typically stems from three main sources: unmet needs (like connection with parents or wanting to be understood), developmental differences in navigating equal relationships (unlike cultures with clearly defined sibling roles), and perceived unfair treatment by parents. Understanding the underlying causes helps address the real issues rather than just managing surface behaviors.

4. How should I respond when my children are fighting?

Create a pause before reacting by taking a deep breath or using a physical reminder like transferring a hair tie from one wrist to another. When you enter the situation, focus on feelings rather than blame with simple acknowledgments like, “Sounds like you’re both having a hard time right now.” Ensure safety, but avoid trying to completely fix the situation in that heated moment.

5. What’s the best way to help siblings develop problem-solving skills?

Use the “I do it, We do it, You do it” approach. First, model problem-solving by providing the words and helping them to understand each other’s feelings and needs, and strategies that will meet both of their needs.. Then, work together as children start doing some of the problem-solving themselves. Finally, hand it off to them: “I think you have all the tools you need to meet both of your needs!” This gradual approach builds confidence and competence.

6. How can I make sure I’m treating my children fairly without treating them the same?

Talk openly about why you might treat siblings differently based on their unique needs and stages. When children understand the reasons behind different approaches (like one child needing extra homework help), negative reactions decrease. Listen to their perspectives and invite their input—they might have solutions that would make situations feel fair to them while still meeting everyone’s needs.

7. What practical strategies can I implement to help siblings get along better?

Create a “peace table” or designated spot for solving problems, ensure children are at the same physical level during conflicts (both sitting or both standing), change locations to reset emotions, and use physical barriers when needed to create separate spaces while still allowing interaction. Also, dedicate predictable one-on-one time with each child to reduce competition for your attention.

8. How should I talk about the sibling relationship to promote positive connections?

The words we use matter. When you’re talking with one child, always start by validating that child’s experience.  Make it clear you get what’s hard for them.  Then try to help them see things from the other child’s perspective.

References

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1. Permissive parenting involves high responsiveness to children’s feelings, often prioritizing freedom over parents’ needs.
2. Parents become permissive through misunderstanding gentle/respectful parenting, a fear of conflict, a mismatch with their child’s temperament, and neglecting their own needs.
3. Effects include children who don’t see others’ needs as important, parents feeling overwhelmed, and frustration for both due as parents swing between permissiveness and strictness when they can’t be permissive anymore
4. Parents can avoid permissiveness by understanding their own needs, using judgments as information about unmet needs, and looking beyond the child’s behavior to their underlying needs.
5. Beginning a practice of understanding and meeting both parent’s and child’s needs helps parents to move beyond the permissive>overly strict cycle.

Have you ever found yourself saying yes to your child’s 15th unreasonable request of the day, to avoid a meltdown? Maybe you’ve agreed to read ‘just one more story’ three times in a row, in a desperate attempt to avoid the tantrum that will follow if you say ‘no’?

If you’re nodding along, you might be doing permissive parenting. It’s a parenting style that’s often misunderstood as simply being “the nice parent.” But what happens when our desire to keep our children happy affects their long-term development?

As parents, we all want what’s best for our children. We want them to feel loved, supported, and happy. But sometimes, taking the easy way can lead to unexpected challenges down the road. Let’s take a closer look at permissive parenting. We’ll discuss what it is, why some parents use this style (even when they might not want to), and how to change it.

What is permissive parenting?

Permissive parenting happens when parents respond with care to their kids’ big feelings, but don’t prioritize their own feelings or needs.

Parent Diana told me: “We’re trying to always meet everybody’s needs…trying to figure out what is it you exactly want and what is it I exactly want, then how can we all get it?”

While this sounds wonderful in theory, Diana realized that she wasn’t putting the ideal into practice. She would suggest what she wanted but would then back down: “anytime I propose something…I’m willing to negotiate on it.”

Permissive parenting often happens when parents don’t recognize or articulate their own needs. As Diana put it, “I’m somewhat high sensitivity…but I’m also 100% introverted, and so I really need time to myself.” Yet she wasn’t consistently honoring these needs in her interactions with her children.

Examples of permissive parenting

1. Bedtime battles: When avoiding conflict takes priority

Your three-year-old pleads for “just one more story,” and wants to tuck in every toy on their shelf. Then they demand that you lie with them for an hour, rubbing their back while you fall asleep.  You agree to each new request, even though you don’t want to.  All the while your rage is barely contained. You haven’t had a moment to yourself all day, and now the time you’d counted on to get some chores done and relax is slipping through your fingers.

2. Mealtime battles: Catering to picky eaters

Your five-year-old refuses to eat the nutritious meal you spent an hour preparing. You immediately get up from your own dinner to make a completely new meal for your child.  You resent the double-work, but it’s easier to do it than to say ‘no’ to your child.

3. Endlessly extended screen time

Your seven-year-old spends most of their free time gaming, often playing for six hours or more on weekends.  When you suggest alternate activities, your child responds with irritation or says they’ll “just do five more minutes.” You accept this – and don’t say anything when you look back at the clock an hour later and your child is still playing.  You don’t want to end screen time because, honestly, it’s easier if your child is occupied on the screen than making demands on you anyway.

4. You say ‘yes,’ even when you’d prefer to say ‘no’

You know you don’t want to be a strict parent.  You want to have a great relationship with your child.  It can seem like the easiest way to do that is to say ‘yes’ to what they ask – even when you’d really prefer to say ‘no.’  Right now, it might seem like there’s no way out of these ‘my way or your way’ battles – but this article will help you find a way to meet both of your needs!

Why do parents become permissive?

Several factors can lead parents toward permissive parenting:

1. Misunderstanding of respectful parenting

Many parents are drawn to respectful parenting approaches. They may mistakenly believe that children should never experience discomfort or disappointment. When parents validate children’s feelings without also advocating for their own needs, they can inadvertently slide into permissiveness.

2. Personality factors

Parents who are easygoing or avoid conflict often say “yes” even when they don’t want to. These traits can make it challenging to stand firm when children push back against limits.

3. Trying to avoid conflict

When children respond to boundaries with big emotions or meltdowns, it’s tempting to remove the boundary or limit to restore peace. Parents might give in to avoid the discomfort of a child’s strong emotions. This creates a cycle. Children learn that getting upset can help them get what they want, and parents learn that it ‘isn’t worth’ setting a boundary or limit in the first place.

4. Mismatched temperaments

When parents and kids have very different temperaments, it can be tough for parents to understand their child’s needs. A parent who is naturally calm might not understand why certain situations trigger such intense reactions in their more sensitive or spirited child.

5. Not understanding how to meet multiple people’s needs

In a traditional view of parenting, only one person can ‘win.’  Because we fear conflict and want to support our kids, we let them ‘win’ by being permissive. Eventually we can’t stand it anymore, and then we set a BIG limit.  Instead, when we find ways to meet multiple people’s needs, we can get out of the ‘you win’ (permissive parenting) or ‘I win’ (strict parenting) cycle.  Both parents and children can get their needs met!

Effects of permissive parenting

I want to be clear that permissive parenting absolutely comes from a place of love and good intentions. Many of us fall into these patterns because we’re trying to be responsive to our children’s needs and emotions. But when we examine the research and what I’ve observed in my coaching practice, we can see several unintended outcomes:

1. Children struggle with self-regulation

Children raised with permissive parenting haven’t practiced adapting to other people’s needs. They may struggle with self-regulation which looks like inflexibility or entitlement. What I see is a child who doesn’t understand that other people have needs, because their parents don’t understand their own needs. Without regular opportunities to experience and work through these feelings in a supportive environment, children miss crucial opportunities to build resilience.

2. The parent-child relationship suffers

When we consistently prioritize our children’s feelings above our own needs, the relationship dynamic can suffer. Parents in my coaching sessions often report feeling depleted, resentful, and even despair. This makes parents less willing to consider their child’s needs (the underlying cause of their child’s behavior), a critical step toward getting out of permissive parenting.

3. Parents and children both experience emotional costs

Both parents and children can experience emotional costs.  I’ve worked with countless parents who feel trapped in cycles of guilt and self-doubt.  They use boundaries and limits as first-line parenting tools, and feel hopeless when their kids push back.  When they finally get sick of their kids’ behavior they explode in anger.  Cycling between permissiveness and anger/strictness is very confusing for kids. They may feel scared by not being able to predict how their parent will react.

4. Potential for parental burnout

When parents don’t understand the concept of needs, they don’t know how to advocate for those needs.  Many parents, especially those who were socialized as female, learned that it wasn’t OK to have or express needs so when children push back, Mom caves.  Then Mom becomes exhausted, because her needs for rest and self-care always come last.

How to move beyond permissive parenting

1. Understand your needs

This is absolutely foundational.  I’ve worked with a lot of parents who tell me: “Before I met you, I didn’t even know I had needs.”  The most important thing to understand about needs is “My child getting in bed / eating their dinner / getting off screens” are not needs; these are strategies to meet needs.  Your needs might be for things like self-care, ease, and competence in parenting.  When you fight with your child over strategies, it can seem like one of you has to ‘lose’ for the other to ‘win.’  When you understand your needs, you can find strategies to meet both of your needs.

2. Articulate your needs

RIght now, you may be defaulting to boundaries and limits in an attempt to get your needs met.  You might feel frustrated, angry, and resentful when your kids push back on these.  When you instead say: “I’m feeling tired.  I have a need for ease right now.  How can we play in a way where I don’t have to think a lot?,” you might be surprised at the creative suggestions your child devises.

3. Use your judgments as information

When you find yourself thinking “my child is being rude” or “my child needs to learn that they can’t expect me to do everything for them,” you’re judging them.  Judgments can be incredibly useful…in our heads!  When they come out of our mouths, we get in trouble.  If I were to tell you: “You’re being rude,” do you feel inspired to work with me?  Probably not.  I can use my judgment of your words and tone to help me understand my needs: “I have needs for respect and support.”

4. Look beyond the behavior to understand your child’s needs

When children resist, try to understand the underlying need they are expressing. For instance, a child saying “no” might be seeking autonomy or predictability.  A child ‘being rude’ might be feeling exhausted or overwhelmed – just as our tone often isn’t perfect when we’re feeling exhausted and overwhelmed.

5. Aim for the 5:1 Ratio…Or More

The Gottman Method, a research-based approach to supporting couples, suggests that we should aim for five positive interactions for every challenging one. I believe this ratio should be even greater for our children.  We may have a partner as well as friends, colleagues, parents, and therapists we can turn to if we’re having a hard time.  Our children have…us.  This makes it even more important that most of our interactions with our kids are not about what they haven’t done or shouldn’t do. Positive interactions can be as simple as sharing a lighthearted moment or showing affection.

6. Set clear and consistent boundaries and limits

Once you’ve addressed most of the conflicts you’re having with your children through the lens of needs, it’s OK to have clear and consistent boundaries.  It’s OK to say: “I’m sitting down to dinner now, and I’m not going to get up again until I’m done.”

It’s OK to say “No jumping on the couch because I hear it creaking and it might break.”  Then, of course, you’re going to work to understand why your child is jumping on the couch.  Do they have a need for movement?  For connection with you, and they know that doing something prohibited will achieve that?  From there, you can identify strategies that meet both of your needs.

Final thoughts

The journey from permissive parenting to meeting both of our needs isn’t always easy. When we didn’t learn that we have needs, never mind how to advocate for and meet them, it can be hard to start doing this as an adult.

In my years of research and coaching, I’ve seen families transform when parents realize they don’t have to choose between their children’s well-being and their own. We can find ways to meet everyone’s needs most of the time. In the relatively few instances where meeting needs is difficult, boundaries and limits are still appropriate tools. When we use each tool where it is most effective, we create family systems where everyone can thrive.

Parenting isn’t about perfection—it’s about connection, understanding, and growth. Your needs matter, your child’s needs matter, and together, you can cultivate a family environment where both can be honored and met.

Breaking the Cycle: Setting Loving and Effective Limits

If your child resists or ignores your requests, and you find yourself desperate for cooperation, you’re not alone.

Go from constant struggles and nagging to a new sense of calm & collaboration. I will teach you how to set limits, but we’ll also go waaaay beyond that to learn how to set fewer limits than you ever thought possible.  You’ll go beyond the permissive > big strict limit cycle to find parenting strategies that truly meet both of your needs.. Sign up for the Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits workshop.

Click the banner below to learn more.

Frequently Asked Questions About Permissive Parenting

1. What Is Permissive Parenting? Signs You Might Be Too Lenient With Your Child

Permissive parenting happens when parents respond to their children’s emotions but don’t understand or articulate their own needs. You might recognize this approach if you find yourself constantly saying “yes” to avoid tantrums, regularly negotiating established rules, or frequently prioritizing your child’s freedom over consistent boundaries. Common signs include giving in to repeated requests (like that third bedtime story), abandoning routines when they become challenging, and feeling unable to maintain firm limits without guilt.

2. Why Do Parents Become Permissive? Understanding The Root Causes

Parents fall into permissive patterns for several understandable reasons:

• Misinterpreting gentle parenting philosophies to mean children should never experience disappointment
• Fearing conflict (perhaps because of trauma related to conflict experienced in childhood)
• Fearing their child’s emotional reactions (because expressing emotions wasn’t allowed in their own childhood)
• Experiencing a mismatch between parent and child temperaments
• Not understanding how it’s possible to meet both parent’s and child’s needs at the same time

3. How Does Permissive Parenting Affect Child Development? The Impact On Kids

Children raised with permissive parenting often struggle to understand that others have needs too.  We might perceive children who don’t understand others’ needs as ‘spoiled’ or ‘lacking resilience.’  In reality, children often don’t learn about parents’ needs because parents don’t even realize they have needs.  When parents become more adept at understanding and advocating for their own needs, and try to meet these alongside their children’s needs, children learn compassion and resilience.

4. Permissive Parenting and Family Dynamics: How It Changes Relationships

Over time, permissive parents may feel increasingly depleted and resentful when their needs remain chronically unmet. Children may become confused by parents who alternate between excessive leniency and sudden strictness when parents can no longer maintain permissiveness. This inconsistency creates anxiety for children who can’t predict how parents will respond, and weakens trust in the parent-child relationship.

5. How To Stop Being A Permissive Parent: Practical Strategies That Work

To move beyond permissiveness, start by identifying your own needs.  When you notice yourself judging your child’s behavior (“they’re being demanding”), use this as information about your unmet needs (perhaps for respect or peace). Look beyond their challenging behaviors to understand what needs your child is expressing. Then you can identify strategies to meet both of your needs. This helps to create a foundation of positive interactions (aiming for at least five positive moments for every challenging one), which research indicates is supportive of satisfying relationships.

6. Balancing Your Needs With Your Child’s: Finding The Middle Ground

The key to moving beyond permissive parenting is recognizing that your needs matter equally to your child’s. Reflect on what you require to feel balanced and fulfilled, then advocate for those needs. Rather than saying “Your room is a mess and needs to be cleaned right now,” try “I’m feeling overwhelmed by the number of toys out and have a need for order. What can we do about this?” This approach models healthy need-expression while teaching children that all family members’ needs deserve respect.

7. Gentle/Respectful Parenting vs. Permissive Parenting: Understanding The Crucial Difference

In permissive parenting, children’s feelings are protected above all else, often because parents fear their child’s big reaction in response to a limit.  They don’t set limits until they can’t stand it anymore, and then they set a big limit all at once.

Even gentle and respectful parenting methods can struggle to navigate the permissiveness/strictness cycle.  Many parents interpret gentle / respectful parenting to mean that they must support their children’s emotional expression at all costs.  Yet the tools it offers, like ‘giving two choices, both of which work for you.’ ignore children’s needs and can create conflict.

When we practice gentle parenting that meets both parent’s and child’s needs, both of you can thrive.

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1. Children procrastinate to avoid negative feelings like anxiety, fear of failure, or uncertainty.
2. Teaching children self-forgiveness and self-compassion reduces shame and guilt, which actually helps prevent future procrastination rather than enabling it.
3. Teaching children to break tasks into small, manageable pieces makes starting easier.
4. Visual exercises like ‘paper doll chains’ help children understand how today’s actions affect tomorrow’s reality.
5. Creating the right conditions (clear expectations, reduced distractions, gentle accountability) helps children develop better habits, while overly strict approaches can increase anxiety and avoidance.

“Just five more minutes of Minecraft first!” your child pleads as you remind them—for the third time—about the science project due tomorrow. Despite having two weeks to work on it, here you are again, facing a night of rushed work and mounting frustration. Sound familiar? If you’re nodding your head, you’re part of the vast community of parents watching your children struggle with procrastination—and feeling powerless to help.

Procrastination is a challenge that affects people of all ages, including children. Whether it’s delaying homework, putting off chores, or avoiding responsibilities, procrastination can create stress, lower confidence, and lead to poor outcomes. As parents, we want to support our children in developing healthy habits, but we often struggle with how to do so effectively.

Based on insights from my interview with Dr. Fuschia Sirois, a professor at Durham University, expert in procrastination research, and author of Procrastination: What it is, why it’s a problem, and what you can do about it, this blog post will explore the roots of procrastination, its emotional underpinnings, and practical strategies to help children navigate and overcome it.

Understanding procrastination: more than just laziness

Many people mistakenly believe that procrastination is simply a result of laziness or poor time management. However, research shows that procrastination is deeply connected to emotional regulation.

Dr. Sirois defines procrastination as the unnecessary, voluntary delay of an intended task despite knowing that it may cause harm. Unlike mere delay, which can sometimes be strategic, procrastination happens when emotions—such as anxiety, uncertainty, or fear of failure—drive avoidance.

Children, like adults, may procrastinate because:

• A task feels overwhelming.
• They are afraid of making mistakes or failing.
• They experience uncertainty about what is expected.
• They are distracted or overstimulated.
• They lack motivation because the task does not feel meaningful.

Instead of seeing procrastination as a flaw, we should understand it as a response to negative emotions.

Why children procrastinate

Procrastination often begins in childhood and can be influenced by parenting styles, academic pressures, and a child’s own temperament.

1. Emotion regulation difficulties

Children who struggle to manage their emotions are more likely to procrastinate. When a child hasn’t yet developed strong skills for regulating emotions, they often avoid tasks that trigger uncomfortable feelings. For example, when homework creates anxiety or boredom, instead of working through these challenging emotions, they might delay starting their assignment.

2. Perfectionism and fear of failure

Some children put off tasks because they fear not meeting high standards.When a child struggles with perfectionist tendencies, they may delay starting rather than risk doing a “bad” job. The child might think, “If I can’t do this perfectly, I shouldn’t do it at all.” What parents often don’t realize is that this avoidance isn’t laziness—it’s an attempt to manage intense emotional discomfort.

3. Social pressures and shame

Kids may also procrastinate due to perceived social judgments. If they think others will see them as “not smart enough” or “not good enough,” they may avoid tasks to protect their self-esteem. This connection between shame and procrastination creates a cycle where children delay work to avoid potential judgment, which provides temporary emotional relief but ultimately reinforces their fears and anxiety about performance. Rather than risk embarrassment, children choose avoidance as a strategy.

4. Task ambiguity and uncertainty

Children often procrastinate when they do not fully understand a task. Lack of clear instructions or expectations can make starting an assignment feel impossible. When a child stares at an assignment sheet or project description and feels confused about what’s being asked, their natural response is often to put it aside rather than risk doing it incorrectly.

5. Habitual avoidance and instant gratification

If children are used to avoiding uncomfortable tasks by turning to distractions (e.g., screens, play), they may develop a habit of procrastination, reinforcing the cycle over time. This pattern is particularly evident in struggles with screen time and video game management that many families experience. When children encounter discomfort with schoolwork or responsibilities, digital entertainment offers immediate escape and gratification.

6. Bedtime procrastination

Many children delay bedtime, even when they know they’ll feel tired the next day. This often happens because they feel like they haven’t had enough fun during the day, they want to avoid tomorrow’s responsibilities, or they use screens or activities to distract from stress.

How parents can help children stop procrastinating

As parents, our role is not to “fix” procrastination but to help children build the skills they need to manage it. Here are some effective strategies.

1. Focus on emotion management, not just time management

Since procrastination is largely about avoiding negative emotions, helping children identify and regulate their emotions is key.

• Explore the emotions behind procrastination. Instead of asking “Why aren’t you doing this?” try “How are you feeling about this task?” to help children identify feelings of shame or anxiety.
• Validate their feelings. If your child is anxious about an assignment, acknowledge their feelings: “I can see this feels overwhelming for you.”
• Help them reframe challenges. Instead of “This is too hard,” encourage a growth mindset: “This is tricky, but I can take it step by step.”
• Practice calming techniques. Breathing exercises, short breaks, or a fun transition activity can help lower stress before starting a task.
• Model healthy emotional regulation. Children learn how to handle difficult emotions by watching us. When you’re struggling with a task, avoid hiding your feelings or simply avoiding the task without explanation. Instead, verbalize your emotions and demonstrate constructive ways to work through them.

2. Teach self-compassion and forgiveness

Children who procrastinate often feel guilty and self-critical. Teach them self-compassion:

• Instead of “I’m lazy,” encourage “I’m learning how to handle difficult tasks.”
• Model self-forgiveness: “I didn’t finish my work today, but I’ll make a plan to do it tomorrow.”

Self-forgiveness has been shown to reduce future procrastination, as it helps children move forward without being weighed down by shame.

3. Break down tasks into smaller steps

Overwhelming tasks can trigger avoidance. Help your child break assignments into tiny, manageable pieces:

• If they need to write a report, start with just brainstorming ideas.
• If they have chores, focus on one step at a time (e.g., “Put away five toys” instead of “Clean your room”).
• Use visual checklists to help them see their progress.

4. Make future tasks feel more immediate

One reason children procrastinate is that they see their future selves as distant and different from their current selves. A useful trick is to help them visualize their “future self”:

• Ask: “How will future you feel if you do a little now vs. waiting until the last minute?”
• Use the paper doll chain exercise, where each paper doll represents “you” across different days. This helps children see that tomorrow’s self is still them, facing the same challenges if they don’t start today.

5. Create a supportive environment

Addressing the external factors that drive procrastination can make it easier for children to develop more productive habits and face challenging tasks with confidence.

• Set clear expectations (“Homework starts at 4 PM”).
• Reduce distractions (a quiet workspace, limited screen time).
• Use gentle reminders (visual timers, post-it notes).
• Create accountability (“Let’s check in on your progress after 15 minutes”).
• Avoid overly strict parenting styles that can increase anxiety and shame around performance. (replacing “You need to get an A on this test or no screen time for a week” with “Let’s focus on your study process and understanding the material”)
• Create a bedtime wind-down routine like reading books, dimming lights, or playing calming music.

6. Encourage “good enough” work

Perfectionism can paralyze children. Teach them that done is better than perfect:

• Set “quick drafts” or “sloppy copies” as the goal.
• Praise effort, not just results (“I love how you tried a new approach”).
• Remind them that mistakes are part of learning.
• Embrace imperfect progress by showing that small, imperfect steps forward are valuable rather than waiting for ideal circumstances.

Final thoughts: raising resilient, self-motivated children

Helping children overcome procrastination isn’t about forcing them to be productive—it’s about teaching them to navigate discomfort, regulate emotions, and break overwhelming tasks into manageable steps.

By modeling self-compassion, breaking tasks down, creating supportive structures, and helping children connect with their future selves, parents can equip kids with lifelong skills to manage procrastination in healthy ways.

Frequently Asked Questions about procrastination for children

1. How does perfectionism lead to procrastination?

Kids afraid of making mistakes may delay tasks to avoid failure. Teaching them that mistakes help learning can reduce this fear.

2. Can social pressure make kids procrastinate?

Yes, fear of judgment or feeling “not good enough” can cause avoidance. Encouraging self-compassion helps break the cycle.

3. Why does my child struggle to start tasks?

Unclear instructions or overwhelming expectations can make starting difficult. Breaking tasks into small steps makes them manageable.

4. Why does my child procrastinate at bedtime?

They may feel they haven’t had enough fun, want to avoid tomorrow’s tasks, or use screens to cope with stress.

5. Does strict parenting reduce procrastination?

Overly strict rules increase anxiety and avoidance. Clear expectations and gentle accountability work better.

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Parents often ask me: “How can I prepare my child for the real world?” This question emerges in three distinct contexts:

• Navigating external influences like junk food and media;
• Dealing with broader social systems that don’t align with our values;
• Concerns about using traditional disciplinary methods, combined with worries that children won’t learn to function in a world where rewards and punishments are part of life.

In this post, I’ll explore practical approaches to addressing these challenges while honoring our children’s authentic selves.

Food Battles and Body Image

Let’s start with a familiar scenario: You’ve prepared a nutritious meal, but your child is munching on bread while ignoring everything else. You remind them about the protein and vegetables. They take a tiny nibble of chicken but refuse to touch the “green stuff.” As frustration builds, you wonder: “How will my child get the nutrients they need if all they eat is carbs?!”

Behind this concern lies a web of social pressures, including:

• Judgment from other parents
• Comments from relatives about your child’s body size
• Medical professionals evaluating growth curves
• A culture that’s unkind to children with diverse body types.

This creates tremendous stress around mealtimes. It goes far beyond your relationship with your child.

In my conversation with Dr. Lindo Bacon, we discussed how Body Mass Index (BMI) was never designed to measure individual health. It was created to assess population trends, not determine if a specific person is healthy. Now it’s used everywhere from schools to doctor’s offices to public health campaigns.

Even more surprising, research shows that the group with the longest lifespan isn’t those in the “normal” weight category – it’s those classified as “overweight.” And most people in the “obese” category live as long as those in the “normal” category.

So why are we so focused on controlling children’s eating habits? It can seem like the least bad option. The food industry has spent billions perfecting irresistible foods. Frito-Lay employs 500 chemists, psychologists, and technicians to find the “bliss point” in snack foods. Scientists engineered Cheetos with what one food scientist called “uncanny ability to melt in the mouth.” This creates “vanishing caloric density” that tricks your brain into thinking “you can just keep eating forever.”

Marketers bombard children with advertisements for these products. At the same time, you face immense pressure to ensure your kids eat “properly.” If your child refuses vegetables, society tells you it’s your fault and your responsibility to fix it.

One approach many parents find helpful is Ellyn Satter’s Division of Responsibility model:

• Parents decide what, when, and where food is offered.
• Kids decide how much they eat—or whether they eat at all.

(In the episode we addressed a lot of the questions parents ask about reading books on DoR as they struggle to apply it in their own lives.)

Making foods forbidden tends to increase our desire for them. Instead, we can include them in our daily consumption, and treat them like any other food.  Serve dessert with dinner, and allow your child to decide which to eat first.  If you’re going to allow them to eat a square of chocolate today, does it matter when they eat it?  If they decide they want to eat it for breakfast, they get to meet their need for autonomy as well as for indulgent food.

We can learn what is a serving size of lots of different foods. When our child has eaten a serving of one food and they ask for another, we can say something like: “You’ve already had a serving of apples today.  Our bodies do best when we eat lots of different kinds of foods.  What else would you like?”

The key is that we treat apples the same as chips apples, so no food is ‘better’ than any other.  (The main exception to this would be with neurodivergent children, where you’ve decided that their emotional regulation is more important right now than what they eat.  A feeding therapist may be able to offer support if you and your child would like to make progress on their ability to tolerate and accept a wider variety of foods.)

Screen Time and Digital Media

Just as with food, parents often struggle with technology. Game designers, like food scientists, have engineered digital experiences to be extraordinarily compelling. They offer immediate feedback, achievable challenges, and social connection. They’re designed to meet children’s psychological needs for competence, autonomy, and relationships.

Contrary to common belief, research doesn’t show a compelling link between video games and violence. In fact, as video game usage has increased globally, violent crime rates have generally decreased. Countries with higher percentages of young gamers than the US often have lower violence rates.

What’s more important are the cultural messages embedded within games and media. Many popular games reinforce limiting gender roles and social hierarchies. It can be tempting to shield children from these ideas. These ideas are out in the world, so we can’t shield our kids forever. Games can give us a way to discuss the topics and support our kids’ developing critical thinking skills.

Many parents’ most immediate concern is how to stop the battles at the end of screen time.  Seeing this as a gradual journey can help both us and our children. Expecting a child to go from having all screen time managed by you to managing it independently isn’t realistic. Break it down into stages:

• First you manage the timer;
• Then they manage it with your backup;
• Then they manage their time independently, with ongoing conversations about balance.

Social Expectations and Human Development

The cultural messages in video games aren’t isolated phenomenon. They’re reflections of broader social expectations that divide human qualities into rigid categories. For instance, games often portray male characters as warriors and female characters as healers. They reinforce the same limiting patterns that show up in children’s books, movies, and everyday interactions.

Our society often elevates certain qualities over others based on these divisions. Research by Dr. Carol Gilligan shows that boys as young as four demonstrate remarkable emotional intelligence. Between the ages of 5 and 7, they begin to shield these qualities, afraid of being seen as “soft.” Many girls learn between ages 9 and 13 that their authentic voice is “too much,” replacing it with a version that says what others want to hear.

Children naturally resist these divisions. They arrive in the world with both voice and desire for connection. They play freely across gender lines until social conditioning teaches them otherwise. When we force them to choose between these fundamental human capacities, they lose an important part of themselves.

You can help your child to see these influences when you read books or watch movies with your kids. I recently read the New York Times bestselling Fablehaven series to my daughter. In the second book, there’s a scene where the main character, Kendra, warns her friend Alyssa about walking home alone with a new boy (who Kendra knows is actually a disguised goblin). Kendra takes Alyssa aside and says: “Think about it. We hardly know anything about him. You just met him today. He’s not a little guy. Are you sure you want to go walking alone in the dark with him? Girls can get in a lot of trouble that way.”

The next day, Alyssa reveals he kissed her: “I was having so much fun. We talked in front of my house for a while after you drove away. He was being really cute and funny, and then he moved in close. I was terrified. I mean, I hardly know him, but it was also sort of exciting until we actually kissed.”

This seemingly innocent middle-grade fantasy novel was teaching troubling lessons:

• That it’s girls’ responsibility to protect themselves from boys (not boys’ responsibility to respect boundaries);
• That feeling “terrified” during a romantic encounter is normal and should be pushed through;
• That boys should pursue while girls should be pursued.

I paused after I read this passage and we discussed how this narrative reinforces harmful expectations for both genders. It teaches girls to ignore their instincts and boys to adopt an aggressive role they might not be comfortable with. These discussions help children develop critical awareness of messaging they might otherwise absorb without questioning.

Rethinking Discipline

Behind questions about managing challenging behavior often lies the concern:

“How do I discipline my child so they’ll be ready for the real world (and also do what I say)?”

Researchers developed tools like Time-outs after they saw that pigeons and chimps would change their behavior to get rewards and avoid punishments. When you give a Time-out, you’re removing the child from the opportunity to get positive reinforcement (your attention) to discourage unwanted behavior.

This approach may reduce immediate problematic behaviors. But we have to wonder: What is time-out teaching our children about relationships? Many children interpret temporary withdrawal of attention as withdrawal of love, even when we don’t intend it that way.

This misses the crucial understanding that behavior is communication. When we look deeper at “misbehavior,” we typically find unmet needs:

• The child hitting a sibling might be desperately seeking connection
• The child throwing toys might be experiencing sensory overload
• The child refusing directions might be trying to meet their need for autonomy

Consider one parent I worked with whose 11-year-old had been diagnosed with Oppositional Defiant Disorder. When she shifted from demanding compliance to asking, “What’s going on? Do you need help?” her son responded with connection rather than resistance. Later, he wrote: “Mom, I’m so sorry I didn’t get us to school on time. I really needed your help. Thank you for giving me grace this morning.”

As she reflected, “My son wasn’t being defiant. His needs weren’t being met.”

The Need for Acceptance

Dr. Marsha Linehan’s memoir Building a Life Worth Living illustrates how parents’ attempts to shape children can create profound harm, even with good intentions.

Dr. Linehan’s mother continually berated her about her weight, her looks, her clothing, and her lack of social graces.  Dr. Linehan was intellectually curious, but her questions were not welcomed by her parents.  She felt completely alone in a family of eight, with nobody who could understand her experience.

This created what Linehan calls “traumatic invalidation.” This is a pervasive misreading of emotions that led her to feel like an outsider in her own family.  What Dr. Linehan needed—what all children need—was acceptance of who she really was.  The irony was that Linehan’s parents tried to shape her behavior because they loved her, and they wanted her to be successful in life.  They wanted to make her acceptable in a world where her only job was to get married to a man who made enough money to maintain a middle class lifestyle.  They appear to have succeeded with Dr. Linehan’s siblings; Linehan’s mental health was the price that the family paid.

Most parents aren’t trying to harm their children; they’re trying to prepare them for what they believe is necessary for success. But in doing this, they communicate: “I’ll give you love and acceptance only when your behavior fits my expectations.” The child learns to cover up their real feelings and needs, and eventually forgets who they really are.

When we think about changing our child’s behavior, we must be clear on why we’re doing it. We might think it’s for their own benefit, just as Dr. Linehan’s mother thought as well. We, too, want our kids to to fit in social systems that dictate appropriate body size, emotional expression, and behavior. But this creates disconnection between us, instead of the validation and acceptance that we all crave. We might have done well in school and work ourselves, and now explode at our kids when they ask us to really ‘see’ them.  Our ‘success’ in life has come at the expense of our mental health, and the same thing may happen with our kids if we don’t make a conscious decision to do things differently.

Bringing It All Together

Whether we’re navigating food choices, screen time, social expectations, or discipline, the underlying question remains:

How do we prepare our children for the real world while honoring their authentic selves?

The thread connecting these areas is the tension between external pressures (from marketers, media, social systems) and children’s innate wisdom about their own needs. Our role isn’t to shield them completely, nor force them to conform, but to help them learn how to to navigate these influences with awareness.

These insights play out in everyday moments. When your child resists getting ready in the morning, instead of assuming defiance, try asking with genuine curiosity: “Why is this hard today?”

Maybe they’re seeking connection or avoiding a problem at school. Understanding the underlying need allows you to address it while teaching valuable life skills.

This approach doesn’t coddle children; it validates them. It teaches them they’re lovable exactly as they are—the foundation they need to navigate our complex world.

To prepare children for the real world, our most powerful tool isn’t protection or control, but connection. We’re working to create relationships where children feel seen, understood, and valued, while developing skills to engage critically with the world around them.

If some of these ideas challenge your current parenting approaches, please be gentle with yourself. We parent from our own histories and with the tools we’ve been given. Your children benefit not from perfect parenting, but from your willingness to learn and grow alongside them.

References

Linehan, M.M. (2021). Building a life worth living. New York: Random House Trade Paperbacks.

Moss, M. (2013, February 20). The extraordinary science of addictive junk food. The New York Times. Retrieved from: https://www.nytimes.com/2013/02/24/magazine/the-extraordinary-science-of-junk-food.html

National Center for Education Statistics (1996). Do rich and poor districts spend alike? Author. Retrieved from:

https://nces.ed.gov/pubs/web/97916.asp#:~:text=Districts%20with%20high%2Dincome%20households,to%20spend%20for%20public%20education.&text=districts%20with%20moderate%2Dto%2Dhigh,student%20(%245%2C411%2D%20%244%2C774).

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Maybe you yell at your child, or swat or spank them – or perhaps you cope by either mentally or emotionally walking away from the situation.

Our ability to handle the ups and downs of parenting is dependent upon our ability to regulate our own emotions and our ability to build and maintain healthy relationships, and difficulty with emotional regulation makes parenting tough. Our children aren’t shy about letting us know about their needs (or what they don’t need, like the other half of that bowl of cereal even though they asked for it…).  This can feel really jarring to us because we were socialized to ignore our own needs – to the point that many of us have a hard time even identifying what are our own needs.

But if we regularly overreact when our child asserts their needs, ruptures in our relationship with our child may appear.  And when we’re in full flip-out mode over that bowl of cereal we aren’t modeling successful emotional regulation for our child, so they’re more likely to struggle to develop those skills themselves.

But there’s a lot you can do to regulate yourself more effectively, once you understand the reasons why you feel this way, and learn some simple tools to navigate situations that make you react explosively.

Haunted by the past

Trauma lives in the automatic response system of our brain.  Maybe a particular smell always makes you think of your grandmother or hearing a particular song reminds you of a friend whom you haven’t seen in years.

We might think we have difficulties digesting certain food, but some scientists think that this may actually be linked to a difficult emotional experience we had while eating that food – so maybe we feel nauseous when we smell calamari because they remind us of the fight we had with our spouse at the Italian restaurant.  And it might seem like we’re angry with our child for wasting food (don’t they know about the starving children?  And greenhouse gas emissions?!) which means they need to change their behavior, the actual cause of our explosive reaction lies within us parents.

When we have an oversized response to something – including our child’s behavior – that originates in a traumatic event we experienced at some other point in our lives, psychologists say we’re being “triggered”.  When triggered, people may find themselves reliving a traumatic event – or if this happened so long ago or our brain has blocked these memories, we might not even be able to identify the trigger.

When triggered, your body goes into fight, flight, freeze, or fawn mode (more about these later). These reactions can be useful during a traumatic event but when the trauma is long-past, changes that occurred in our brains and bodies during and after the trauma leave us with a legacy of health problems from cancer, heart disease, and respiratory disease to drug use and violence directed toward oneself and others.

Parenting is a tough job with often intense emotions. Even if we haven’t experienced trauma we may still have similar reactions to our child’s behavior known as emotional flooding, which is extremely common among parents.  This often flares up when our child does something that reminds us of how our own needs were not met (because they weren’t understood, or were understood but deliberately ignored) as children.  I hear from parents all the time who snap when their child argues, refuses to cooperate, doesn’t use appropriate manners, makes a mess, and wastes food – all of which we were likely punished for doing as children. Like trauma-related triggers, emotional flooding can make us unable to behave rationally.

Body and mind disconnect

You may have heard the brief history of the separation of body and mind that I described in my recent podcast episode on The Physical Reasons You Yell At Your Kids.  For thousands of years in Western culture the body has been thought of like a machine with parts that needed to be maintained so the overall whole looks and functions acceptably, and occasionally replaced when they broke down.  This view sees a separation between body and mind that intensified as we began to view brains essentially as computers that process information rationally – unless they’re defective or broken in some way.

Disconnection between mind and body is incredibly common. It is frequently the result of trauma, but it doesn’t have to be a trauma in the objective sense. There aren’t ‘legitimate’ or ‘illegitimate’ traumatic events. For some people, a job loss might be an inconvenience, while for others, it might be a traumatic event. We can’t change how we respond to the event by telling ourselves it wasn’t a big deal because the reaction we’re experiencing isn’t ‘in our head.’ The reaction is being experienced in our mind and our body.

Our automatic stress response

When we are flooded or triggered, our bodies are “thrown into an unnecessary state of survival mode that does not correspond to any actual or significant risk to survival or well-being.” Our bodies are disconnected from the reality of the situation we’re in.

We struggle to recognize our emotions and assess threats: our child leaving half a bowl of cereal uneaten does not represent an actual threat to us, even if we’re reacting as if it does.

Next, our bodies may go into fight, flight, freeze, or fawn mode. This is a response in our body that is designed to protect us from harm. It is instinctual. You’ve probably heard of fight or flight, where we prepare to attack or run, but additional automatic reactions have been identified. Sometimes people freeze; this is the deer in headlights response and can happen when we have no way out of a situation or when we aren’t able to figure out what is happening. The fawn response can be thought of as the people pleasing response and is often developed to protect us in a situation where we hope we can appease the person threatening us to prevent them from harming us.

The commonality across all of these responses is that they are automatic, and when these are activated our amygdala, which is sometimes referred to as the guard dog of the brain, springs into action to keep us safe.  That can prevent us from using our rational decision making process: our brain believes that we don’t have the luxury of being rational, so that part of our brain shuts down in favor of the fight, flight, freeze, or fawn response. Because the traumatic memories are disassociated in our brains, the memories, smells, tastes, sounds, and feelings are all disconnected. This is why people often don’t understand their reactions – and it seems like it’s the half-eaten bowl of cereal that’s the problem, when actually the problem lies deep within us.

It’s also worth noting that people who have experienced discrimination or persecution based on their race, religion, gender, or sexual preference may not have the luxury of knowing that they are safe.  The threats their bodies are trained to identify and respond to are not relics of the past that no longer serve them. The fear that their child’s behavior could provoke a tragic response from threats outside the home is not unfounded.

If we spend years living with a threat, our body may be stuck in a state of heightened alert. We may have anxiety, high blood pressure, or permanently tense muscles. This can have devastating health effects. While it is impossible to blame any one aspect of discrimination to the overall health of marginalized groups, there’s a goodd eal of evidence that the ongoing trauma caused by racism has negative health impacts on both children and adults.

For some of us, the over-active guard dog that’s still trying to protect us may need some retraining. As a result of past circumstances, it may still jump into action every time someone walks past on the sidewalk and isn’t actually trying to break into our house, and the chronic stress associated with this isn’t good for us – or for our relationship with our child.

Reconnecting our minds and bodies

To respond (rather than reacting) we have to reconnect our minds and bodies.

Slowly, research is changing the Western understanding of the mind-body connection. We now know that the mind and body are not separate entities, and the connection between them is important for health and wellness. Meditation, which takes many forms, has been associated with positive effects on physical and mental health and wellness. During meditation, people reconnect their minds with their bodies by observing what they’re experiencing through their senses (which are located in the body!) right now in the present moment.

One thing that can have an impact is to have physical experiences that directly contradict how our body is programmed to react. Dr. Bessel van der Kolk, author of The Body Keeps Score, gives the example of martial arts and yoga. In the martial arts, you learn and practice ways to protect and control your body, so you know and you feel that you are not helpless, this can help overcome the trauma that taught you you are helpless.

How to stop reacting explosively to your child’s behavior

There are two main approaches we can use to effectively regulate our emotions.

Top down emotional regulation involves changing our thought processes by developing deeper insight into their behaviors and past experiences. I don’t want to give the impression that this type of therapy is wrong or problematic – in fact, the insight we get from understanding why we feel a certain way can sometimes help us to be less impacted by situations we used to find difficult to navigate.

But many people find that there simply isn’t any space between their child’s behavior and their explosive reaction for them to choose the response they decided during therapy would be more constructive.  This is why we might fully comprehend that the way we’re reacting to our child’s behavior isn’t helpful (or aligned with our values as a parent), but still not be able to stop ourselves from doing it in the moment.

I worked with one parent who said it was like she was floating above herself yelling at her child – knowing she would be trying to repair the relationship in just a few minutes – but still unable to stop herself in the moment.  The top-down (brain-based) approach is more effective when it operates in conjunction with bottom-up (body-based) actions.

Bottom up emotional regulation involves taming the autonomic nervous system-actions our body takes without any direction from our rational brain-our heart rate, blood pressure, breathing, and digestion.

Using the bottom up strategy can be summed up with a word you’ve heard me say many times: mindfulness. With basic activities like breathing, moving, and touching, we can affect our body’s “involuntary” functions and improve our ability to remain rational and regulate our emotional responses. In getting out of the stories our brain is telling us about how we can’t cope with the situation, we realize that we can cope in this moment.  That there isn’t an emergency.  By working with our brain in this way, we can improve our emotional regulation.

This is something that can benefit all of us. I think everyone I know has lapses in emotional regulation – including me. It’s amazing how a little bit of growth in this area can have a really dramatic impact on our lives and families, and that’s why I created the Taming Your Triggers workshop.

This 10-week online workshop will help you understand the strong reactions you have to the little frustrations of parenting–unfinished cereal, backtalk, messes, and the insistence on having the “right” cup for their milk even if it is in the dishwasher and unavailable.

If you often find yourself triggered or flooded by your child’s behavior, you’ll find yourself in good company.  We’ll dig deeply so you can find the causes of your triggered feelings and understand these to bring the insight you need.  Then we’ll develop skills to create space between your child’s difficult behavior and your explosive reaction so you can respond to them effectively.

In the workshop you’ll learn:

• The real sources of your triggered/flooded feelings (which aren’t in your child’s behavior!);
• How to feel triggered less often;
• How to repair your relationship with your child on the fewer occasions when it does still happen.

The workshop is recommended by a Licensed Clinical Social Worker who counsels individuals who have experienced trauma and it’s not an exaggeration to say that participants who have engaged deeply with the content have experienced dramatic results.

Here’s what one real parent said about her experience:

“I can honestly say this is the most important and significant accomplishment I’ve had in my personal life… maybe ever.”

“Where do I start saying how this workshop has helped me? It has helped me to identify that I was even being triggered in the first place. I thought I was just an anxious person and there was no other way. Because of this workshop, I can now identify when I am triggered and step away from my narrow perspective, understand the root of the trigger from my past, and see the bigger picture including what my partner or child might be feeling and perceiving in that moment from me.

The whole workshop was really well structured to both give me insight and help find solutions that work for me. Now I understand much more about how the intergenerational trauma that has happened in my family is impacting my relationship with my son. And I had always known I had issues with my mom, but not the extent to which it affected me on an hourly basis – that module of content dropped a bomb on me that I never saw coming. I’m so glad that I learned tools in the workshop so I don’t have to be ruled by that any more. I also learned what hypoarousal is – I saw that I probably spent 50% of my time in this state and had no idea it was even a thing.

I still get triggered and give in to impulse every once in a while now, but FAR less often. What I’ve learned in the workshop has improved my relationship with both my child and husband and even my relationship with myself. I can honestly say this is the most important and significant accomplishment I’ve had in my personal life… maybe ever. I wish there was a way to fully convey the value that parents who are experiencing these feelings will get out of this workshop.

– A.H.

Your powerful feelings are not random and it’s not your fault that you’re having them – but even though it’s not your fault, you can still do a lot to help you navigate them more effectively. By boosting your own coping skills, you’ll increase the sense of calm in your home and become not only a model of emotion regulation, but of being imperfect, and recognizing that imperfection, and taking steps forward anyway – which gives our children ‘permission’ to do the same in their own struggles.

You’re not failing them…you’re helping them.

Click the banner to learn more!

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In this post I’m going to discuss six of the most significant causes of parental anxiety including the newest cause -COVID-19 – which amplifies the other five.

Cause #1 – Unwanted Opinions

We fear our children being seen too spoiled, too selfish, too nice, too overweight/underweight, too addicted to screens, too active, too lazy, too loud, too quiet, too stubborn, too obedient —shall I go on?

We struggle to identify the “just right” qualities we hope our children will develop and waste untold amounts of mental and physical energy trying to manipulate our children into developing these “just right” qualities that we can’t even fully  identify.  And the primary way we evaluate our children’s qualities is through what other people think of them – at school; at the doctor’s office; in the checkout line at the supermarket.

Everyone has an opinion on parenting.  It’s impossible to please them all, and we shouldn’t even try.  We  have to find our own North Star so we can set goals that are uniquely right for our family, so that when the little everyday challenges arise, we’re not just reacting to them based on how we feel in that moment.

I know how hard it is to look behind the headlines and figure out what is true, what is important, and what it means to you.

Once you find your parenting North Star, you’ll be able to get to the root of the problems you’re having with your child and have a plan to confidently address these, which means you can stop feeling overwhelmed by the constant barrage of competing opinions from relatives, friends, and the media.

Cause #2 –Isolation

Loneliness is both very widespread and seriously problematic in Western Society. Parents of young children are particularly vulnerable to isolation and loneliness.

According to psychologist Aisling Leonard-Curtin, loneliness and isolation of parents can lead to anxiety, depression, and parental burnout.

Drs. Moïra Mikolajczak, whom I’ve interviewed for the Your Parenting Mojo podcast, and Isabelle Roskam have researched parenting burnout and how to address it. They’ve  noted that burnout is much more common in Westernized cultures than in other places around the world.

If you can believe it, Western parents with 1 or 2 children were more likely to experience burnout than African parents with 8-9 children.

This is at least partly because of the very different beliefs about raising children. The African phrase “it takes a village” to raise a child means that we need social support to raise a child. The task is too enormous for one or two people to do on their own. In the non-Western World, there is much more social support, whereas in the West, parents are largely left on their own. Compounding the problem, parents in Western cultures often feel they are solely responsible for making sure their children develop strong cognitive and social/emotional skills in addition to being healthy and happy.

When we feel that we’re on the hook for all of it, no-one else can help, and we’ll be judged if we get it wrong, it’s not surprising that we feel anxious about our children.

Cause #3 – Media Sensationalism

The media in general grabs onto any parenting issue that can be sensationalized to draw interest. Rather than presenting nuanced findings from research, correlations and anecdotes are presented as scientific fact. Creating controversy is how they expand their audience, but slight correlations or surprising results from small studies have to be discussed in more nuanced ways. Unfortunately, that practice would be bad for the business of generating clicks for advertising views.

The debate about screen time for children is a perfect example of how the media creates anxiety for parents. Headlines, like “Scientists finally know what screen time does to your toddler’s brain,” promise definitive information and try to guilt parents with assertions about screen time slowing brain development. The truth about screen time is far more nuanced, but that’s less likely to inspire heated Twitter debates or 20 million shares on Facebook.

Compounding the problem, scientific research and expert opinions on parenting have changed substantially in the last hundred years. Best practices in psychological research have definitely improved since the days when pregnant mothers were advised to “avoid thinking of ugly people,” to avoid producing unattractive children.

Unfortunately, the combination of poor research and media sensationalism gives some people the impression that all expert advice is worthless as evidenced by the constant, dramatic shifts seen in the media. Parents absolutely need a reliable resource for research-based information regarding child development and parenting.

Cause #4 – You’re not on the same page as your partner

When I interviewed Dr. Laura Froyen, she explained that parenting and discipline is one of the most common areas where couples disagree. Making matters worse, seeing parental conflict about parenting can be very upsetting for children. It can lead to self-blame, guilt, and insecurity.

On the other hand, children learn about conflict resolution and problem solving within their family. If parents can work together as a team, to resolve conflicts and solve problems, children will learn that people who love each other can disagree and work through their problems respectfully.

Many of us grew up in homes with poor examples of conflict and as a result learned that it is uncomfortable and best avoided. Dr. John Gottman, a prolific couple’s researcher identified four conflict starters as the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.” These argument inciters are:

1. Criticism
2. Defensiveness
3. Contempt
4. Stonewalling

The presence of these four characteristics of conflict is closely related to marital dissatisfaction and potentially even marital breakdown.

Gottman’s research shows that successful couples don’t avoid conflict; they actually welcome it as an opportunity to connect with their partner, to experience acceptance and understanding within a significant attachment relationship.

Getting on the same page with your partner may seem impossible if you are coming from extremely different backgrounds, and when you and your partner don’t know how to discuss disagreements without the Four Horsemen becoming involved.

It can be very difficult to overcome communication habits that have become ingrained, but with the right information and participation by both parties, it is possible.  While it’s true that the only person you can really change is yourself, it’s much easier to make progress if your partner isn’t knowingly or unknowingly doing things that trigger you and take you back to square one each time.

Cause #5 – Parenting is hard!

If you’ve made it this far into the post, you probably don’t need much elaboration on this.  Children are demanding!

Food, messes, safety, potty training, bedtimes, and sibling rivalry create a never-ending drain on our energy.

Then there are the tantrums!

Somehow toddlers seem to have magical powers that help them discern the moments when you are the most exhausted, anxious, busy, or distraught–that impeccable sense of timing should serve them well someday, but that’s little comfort when you’re just trying to get out of the grocery store without a giant canister of cheese curls.

We know young children are learning and developing at an incredibly fast pace, and it is really hard for parents to keep up!

One path forward here is to understand a little more about your child’s development.  Research has shown that parents who understand more about their child’s development have more positive interactions with their children.  This may well be because parents who understand developmental milestones don’t put unrealistic expectations on their children.

For example, 56% of parents surveyed by the organization Zero to Three thought that children under age 3 should be able to resist the urge to do something that the parent has forbidden, but actually this ability often develops between the ages of 3.5-4 – or even later for some children.

If we are continually expecting our children to comply with our wishes when their brain structures don’t yet allow them to do this, we’re making parenting even more difficult for ourselves.

Cause #6 – Parenting and the pandemic

COVID-19 has amplified almost every anxiety-producing aspect of parenting young children.

How can we make sure our children are ‘doing okay’ or exceling cognitively, socially, and emotionally when socialization is limited and schools are closed?

Where can we turn for support when some relatives are isolating and those willing to take the risk to come to our homes and provide childcare pose a risk that we’re not comfortable taking?

What is the truth about the risks posed for children? Are they immune to the virus? (Of course, they aren’t, but the message is out there nonetheless.) Will it have any impact on them? Can they spread it to adults? Are they less likely to contract the virus? Will the virus cause long-term problems for them even if they don’t get terribly sick? If a vaccine emerges, will it be safe enough to give to them? Will it be worse for them to get the virus, or miss out on school?

How are we supposed to co-parent effectively with our partner when we’re together ALL the time?

And how can we do all this while we’re working remotely as well?

One way is to shift from a mindset of scarcity (“there is never enough of me to go around; I can’t do it all…” to a mindset of abundance (“I am enough.  There is enough of me to go around.”). 

Yes, we need to advocate for better social safety nets.  And while we still don’t have them, we can shift our own mindset, which changes the way we feel about the situation and the way we respond to others.

What is the solution?

Parents need unbiased information and non-judgmental support. Combined, these two components combat the conflicting advice, the isolation, and the media sensationalism. With solid information and strategies, parents can approach the incredibly difficult task of parenting from common ground as a team, using strategies that are grounded in a clear understanding of their children’s brain development.

To help, I’m bringing back my popular Finding Your Parenting Mojo membership. If you love the research-based information you hear on the Your Parenting Mojo podcast and read on the blog but struggle to apply the ideas in your real life with your unique family, then the membership is designed for you.

New this year, I’ve restructured the membership to make it even more immediately useful to you.  When you join, you get immediate access to three or 12 modules of content (depending on which option you select).  You can download a Guide to walk you through a series of activities, or watch a video presentation or listen to an audio read-through.  No matter how you learn, I’ve got you covered.

There are pre-recorded Q&As available to watch immediately – not hours-long calls that you have to wade through to find the nuggets of useful information, but a series of 5-10 minute videos with each one addressing a different challenge – so you can find exactly the support you need for your specific problem, and fast.

You’ll also connect with like-minded parents in a supportive private community, and can opt to join a small group of parents to help you bring your learning to life by taking small but meaningful steps toward your goals.

In the first module of the membership, we’ll create some breathing room by developing tools to dramatically reduce the number of tantrums at your house. We’ll introduce a Problem Solving Conversation Tool to help you find solutions to those problems that seem to recur again and again so you can get out of that negative cycle.

In the second module, you’ll learn to parent as a team with your partner.  You’ll figure out where you need to become more aligned in your approaches, and where it’s OK to disagree.  And you’ll gain some new tools to approach these conversations with your partner in a way that doesn’t get their back up but instead invites them to share how they’re really feeling, so you can do the same.

During the third module, you’ll set a family vision and goals based on your unique family values, and you’ll learn how to align daily interactions with long-term goals.  Because if you’re trying to raise a child who is independent but you step in and take over every time they struggle, there’s a misalignment between your goals and what your child is actually learning about how the world works.

These three modules form the core content, and you can choose to start with just those.  Or you could take your family life  to the next level and use your new tools and skills to address topics like raising healthy eaters, navigating screens, and supporting siblings. In each module, you’ll make a plan with goals that are both based on research-based ideas and aligned with your values.

One parent who is in the membership recently said “I think one thing I love about your work is it just makes it OK to hang out, enjoy and do what you want to with your family. Just be together, talk to each other, share yourselves and do what you need. No need to worry…You’ve cured my anxiety about all things parenting.”

Click here to learn more about the Finding Your Parenting Mojo membership, and to sign up.  Enrollment is now open!

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1. Childhood anxiety affects millions of children and often manifests differently than in adults, appearing as behavioral problems rather than verbal expressions of worry.
2. Understanding your child’s anxiety helps you recognize behavior as communication and choose effective support strategies rather than punishing symptoms.
3. What are signs my child has anxiety? Look for increased emotionality, irritability, clinginess, regression, social withdrawal, sleep problems, perfectionism, and physical symptoms.
4. You can track your child’s anxiety symptoms by keeping a symptom journal noting behaviors, timing, and patterns to help identify trends and distinguish anxiety from other issues.
5. Support your anxious child by responding with empathy instead of punishment, validate feelings without enabling avoidance, and prepare for feared situations.
6. When should I seek professional help? If anxiety impairs daily life – affecting sleep, appetite, or preventing enjoyment of normal activities – consult a pediatrician or therapist.

[Note: This post was originally written in the context of COVID-19 lockdowns, and was updated in March 2025]

Childhood anxiety now affects millions of children across different ages and backgrounds. As parents, we may struggle to tell the difference between normal childhood worries and clinical anxiety symptoms that require attention. When I noticed my own daughter following me around the house and becoming unusually clingy, I initially misinterpreted these behaviors. Then I realized they might actually be signs of anxiety.

Children experience anxiety differently than adults. Their symptoms often manifest as behavioral problems rather than verbal expressions of worry. From separation anxiety and generalized anxiety disorder to social anxiety and specific phobias, these conditions can significantly impact a child’s development, learning, and overall wellbeing.

Our bodies are wired to keep us safe. When children sense danger or feel insecure, it becomes nearly impossible for them to function normally. This means they struggle to learn effectively and may revert to behaviors they had outgrown years ago.

Young children rarely have the emotional vocabulary to understand their feelings.  Even if they do know, they might not be willing to tell us their feelings.  This leaves parents with many questions:

• How do we recognize anxiety symptoms in children?
• What level of anxiety is developmentally appropriate?
• What strategies can help anxious children cope?
• And most importantly, how can we ensure we’re not unintentionally making their anxiety worse?

Understanding the clinical signs of childhood anxiety is crucial because they often differ from adult anxiety symptoms. Most children will experience some form of anxiety during their development. It’s essential for parents to learn effective coping strategies they can teach their children to overcome anxiety – tools that will serve them throughout their lives.

Why Understanding Child Anxiety Matters

There are two main reasons to learn more about your child’s potential anxiety:

1. Recognizing Behavior as Communication

Children rarely come to their parents and explain their worries. Rather, their anxiety comes out in ways that may look like ‘behavior problems’ that should be ‘fixed.’  This is a big reason why I don’t believe it’s appropriate to use tools like Time-out to address children’s ‘misbehavior.’

Researchers agree that we shouldn’t use tools like Time-out when children are dysregulated.  But if the vast majority of children’s ‘misbehavior’ is actually dysregulation, potentially caused by anxiety, when is Time-out ever appropriate?

Understanding that anxiety might be causing your child’s challenging behaviors may help you to reappraise the situation. Parent Diana reappraised her daughter’s behavior during our conversation on permissive parenting.  I was intentionally ‘rude’ to Diana, and she agreed that I was “dismissive” and “disrespectful.”  Then I provided some context for my rudeness, and Diana reappraised my behavior, and saw it as understandable.  She allowed me some grace, instead of feeling so frustrated about how I’d spoken to her.  (Jump to the 26:51 timestamp to go right there).

When I see that my daughter’s behavior is a result of anxiety, I can empathize with her.  This meets her deep need to feel heard and understood.  Even if nothing else about the situation changes, simply feeling heard can be enormously helpful in managing anxiety.

2. Choosing Effective Support Strategies

Once we’re more aware about our children’s experiences, we can choose strategies for helping children cope with their anxiety that are more likely to be useful. Often child anxiety is viewed as a behavioral problem to be solved.  Interventions may reinforce “good” behavior and ignore “bad” behavior.  The problem with this approach is that it never deals with the root cause of the anxiety. The behavior may change, the actual underlying feeling probably has not.

There is no silver bullet to blissful family life.  First, I’ll share 12 signs your child may be experiencing anxiety.  Then I’ll suggest some strategies to help you support your child, which may help you to meet more of your needs as well.

In some cases, professional intervention may be necessary. This article cannot be viewed as medical advice. Throughout this article, I hope to show you how to identify anxiety and decide when the time is right to seek professional help.

12 Signs Your Child May Be Experiencing Anxiety

1. Increased Emotionality

Emotional symptoms of anxiety are very common. Children may be excessively worried about themselves, friends, or family. They may worry about events before they happen, and they may worry about events that could happen.

2. Irritability

It’s hard to remember that irritability is a symptom of anxiety. This is a symptom that can sneak up on us. More frequent tantrums, outbursts, and whining could all be described as an increase in irritability. Many parents understandably find these behaviors quite irritating! But trying to get the child to change their behavior doesn’t actually address the root of the problem.

3. Clinginess

When COVID lockdowns started and my daughter followed me all over the house, I thought she was missing her friends and teachers. As time went on, I noticed that she wasn’t talking as much about her friends and teachers, but she still wanted to hang on me – which got pretty frustrating.

It wasn’t until I started researching for this post that it dawned on me—this clinginess isn’t just missing people – it could be an indication of anxiety. Her recent clinginess isn’t a surprise when I consider how different and confusing life has become for her.

After the World Trade Center Attack, researchers studying public school students in New York City found that rates of Separation Anxiety Disorder (SAD) increased.  They concluded,  “SAD should be considered among the conditions likely to be found in children after a large-scale disaster.”

4. Developmental Regression

Regression is so tough for parents. After working for months to get your child to sleep through the night in their own bed or use the toilet consistently, suddenly the problems are back! It’s so tough to maintain your composure. (Remember to be mindful!)

When children are confronted with something new or stressful, regression is a very typical reaction. Expressing empathy for your child – who also worked very hard to move past this behavior – is helpful in this instance. Let your child know that when things change, it’s normal for kids to ‘forget’ things they’ve already learned.

Even if you’d strongly prefer that they not do the regressive behavior, try to accept the child in front of you.  When we compare ourselves to other parents who’ve got their act together, we often feel shame.  (And that shame doesn’t help us to get our act together.)

When we compare our child to their siblings, or theoretical children who don’t do this annoying thing, they may feel shame.  (And it doesn’t help them stop doing the annoying thing.)  When we accept them as they are, they grow up with a sense of right-ness in themselves, knowing that they are lovable exactly as they are.  Many of the thousands of parents I’ve worked with wish so badly that their own parents had been able to see them in this way.

5. Social Withdrawal

Even shy children typically engage with close friends and family. Pay attention if your child seems to be engaging less frequently with familiar people or avoiding family activities.

Withdrawal on its own doesn’t indicate that a child is anxious. There is research that indicates withdrawal has a connection to anxiety and other mental health concerns. We also know that social connection is one of the key resilience-building strategies. Withdrawal from social connections could have negative consequences later on.

6. Apathy

When children lose interest in activities or foods they usually really enjoy, it’s a sign that something might be wrong. This is a tough problem because if you ask the child to explain their change in attitude, you’re likely to just get a shoulder shrug in response.  It isn’t necessarily anxiety, but it could be. It’s worth exploring with a qualified professional.

7. Problems sleeping

Difficulty falling asleep or staying asleep, possibly due to nightmares, is a significant red-flag for anxiety. Difficult sleep can also compound the effects of anxiety because we don’t function as well without proper sleep. If your child is having trouble sleeping, chances are high that they are or will start to display other symptoms simply because there is so much overlap.

Difficulty sleeping could be caused by factors other than anxiety. Exposure to blue light (screens) before bed and bedtime routine inconsistency can all cause sleep disruptions.

8. Appetite Changes

A change in appetite might be hard to identify since children are always growing and the things they like can change from one week to the next. Appetite can fluctuate under normal conditions.

A change that is significant enough to make them lose weight, especially if they are very young, will require intervention. Get in touch with your pediatrician if your child is losing weight.

9. Physical Symptoms

Physical problems won’t always be present, but look out for several potential issues.   The symptoms we commonly associate with panic attacks can occur in children with anxiety: shortness of breath, rapid heart rate, shaking, dizziness, and sweating. They might also just seem tired or worn out most of the time.

Headaches and stomachaches are some of the most common physical symptoms children display. These can also be symptoms of physical problems besides anxiety, so it’s important to get them checked out.

10. Restlessness/Inattention

I put restlessness and inattention together because they have a lot in common. Anxiety makes it hard for children to stick with anything—mentally or physically.

They have intrusive thoughts about whatever they are scared about. Both inattention and restlessness are also symptoms of ADHD, so anxiety can easily be mistaken for and misdiagnosed as ADHD.

11. Perfectionism

Perfectionism frequently occurs in children with anxiety.  Perfectionism isn’t considered a diagnostic symptom, so a physician wouldn’t diagnose anxiety because a child is a perfectionist, but there is a significant correlation between the two.

12. ‘Disrespectful’ Behavior

When I use the word ‘disrespectful,’ I’m thinking of a few behaviors. Primarily, I’m thinking of ‘not listening.’ This can be code for ‘not doing what I tell them to do.’

The child may be distracted or unfocused. They may refuse to do what you ask because this keeps your attention on them for longer – and they have a need for connection.  

They may also speak to you using words or in a tone you don’t like, because they feel overwhelmed by family life and don’t know how to express this.

If you haven’t seen many of the other symptoms on this list in your child besides ‘disrespectful behavior,’ you will likely find the Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits workshop helpful.  You’ll learn how to set limits your child will respect – as well as set way fewer limits than you ever thought possible.

Tracking Anxiety Symptoms

If  you’re seeing some of these symptoms and you’re considering reaching out to a professional, try keeping a symptom journal first.  There are phone apps that make it easy to do this, or you can track in a journal. When tracking, make note of the date and time you notice behaviors. You can track incidents like crying spells or angry outbursts as well as daily trends—lethargic all day; bouncing off the walls all afternoon.

Keeping this journal is important because anxiety can look like other things. We’re all aware that sleepy or hungry children will inevitably try our patience. Anxiety can look a lot like sleep deprivation and hunger. To compound the confusion, anxiety can also cause sleep deprivation and hunger.

Within a week or two you will have enough data to identify trends. This will help your child’s pediatrician to direct you to appropriate resources if necessary.

Effective Approaches for Supporting Your Anxious Child

1. Treat anxiety-driven behaviors with validation and empathy

It’s easy to see how several of the anxiety symptoms can be mistaken for ‘irritating behavior.’ For example, if a child is crying ‘for no reason’ an adult might interpret the crying as attention-seeking behavior that they don’t want to encourage. This might lead an adult to ignore the behavior or walk away from the child, when what they need most of all in that moment is validation.

If instead we view the crying ‘for no reason’ as actually being caused by the child’s anxiety, we understand that the child is not just trying to get something from us, they are struggling to meet their needs for safety. The child might not be fully conscious of the need, or able to articulate it verbally.

“Back-talk,” crying, angry outbursts, and other symptoms of anxiety can be cries for help. When we see them this way, we will respond differently than if we view them as deliberate behavioral choices that we have to discourage. When we perceive the deeper cause of the behavior – the anxiety – and focus on addressing the cause rather than the surface behavior (like the crying), we realize the need for empathy and validation  in our response.

When we react to anxiety-driven behaviors with empathy, we help our child to develop self-regulation. Instead of quickly telling them not to worry because everything is ok, we can help them recognize and understand their emotions. This is an important step toward developing emotion regulation skills.

2. Validate Without Enabling

When children express anxiety, we can try not to say things that might arouse shame in them.

If they could do the thing we were asking, they probably would.  We can explore what it is about the situation that’s hard for them, and see if there are ways to make it easier.

They might be willing to go to a new class accompanied by a friend, or to try a sport that’s related to one they already play rather than something completely different.  We can allow them to take comfort objects with them when they go into stressful situations.  If they struggle with large groups of people, we might see if we can get to a party early when there are fewer people around.  We can see if we can meet a new teacher before the first day of class.  All of these actions can support children in navigating their anxiety effectively, and seeing that it can be managed.

3. Address Fears Through Preparation

We can address our child’s fears by teaching them to be prepared. Some children will feel better understanding the safest way to respond to a crisis they are imagining. Doing a fire drill or acting out a scenario where they have to find help can be very powerful.

Uncertainty can be very frightening. Walking through what would happen in an emergency is reassuring for children. For example, if they are scared of you dying, you can tell them that while you have no intention of dying, they will be ok even if it happened. When my daughter asked me what would happen if her dad and I died, I told her who she would go live with. Knowing what would happen in a worst-case scenario did seem to give her some comfort.

4. Harness the Power of Play

My favorite tool to combat anxiety is play. During play, our brains are thinking, planning, and organizing information. The state of mind we use when we play pushes out the anxious state of mind.

Remember that play is a broad term. You don’t have to do pretend play or search Pinterest for ideas. You can clean up toys or eat a snack in a playful way. My daughter and I have had hours of play rolling a bouncy ball around our living room. There’s no need to make an enormous mess or an elaborate plan.

5. Incorporate Music and Movement

We can also fight anxiousness with music and movement. Dancing to music you enjoy can be a powerful experience. You’re likely to notice new things in your surroundings on a walk. This gives you something to think about other than the thing that’s provoking the anxiety.

By moving our focus from our head to our body, we give our mind a break from worry. Movement is a well-established strategy for maintaining mental health.

When to Seek Professional Help

To be clear, this article does not substitute for professional help. I’ve provided a few strategies that may help you manage mild symptoms of anxiety. No one can provide sound advice regarding your child’s mental health without direct consultation.

When I spoke to developmental psychologist Dr. Mona Delahooke, my major takeaway was this:

If there’s no impairment or impact on the child’s life, then you don’t need to worry. Professionals look for impairment. If the child’s life is impaired, it is time to intervene. If your child’s symptoms are interfering with daily life, I encourage you to reach out to your pediatrician or a child therapist. For example, not getting enough sleep or food can have serious health consequences. If your child is too scared or worried to enjoy a trip to the park or family game night, then the anxiety is getting in the way of their daily life.

If not, then it may well resolve in the coming weeks and months as your child’s brain develops and they begin to access new strategies to manage their worries. And now you have some new strategies to try in supporting them on this journey.

Frequently Asked Questions About Child Anxiety

1. How does anxiety show up differently in children compared to adults?
Unlike adults, children often can’t verbalize their worries. Instead, anxiety often manifests as behavioral problems like increased clinginess, irritability, or what might appear as “disrespectful” behavior. Children rarely come to parents explaining their worries directly, so our work is to see beneath the ‘disrespect’ and find ways to help the child meet their need for safety.

2. What are some physical symptoms of anxiety in children?
Physical symptoms can include headaches, stomachaches, shortness of breath, rapid heart rate, shaking, dizziness, and sweating. Children might also seem constantly tired or worn out. These symptoms should be medically evaluated as they could indicate other conditions besides anxiety.

3. Is my child’s perfectionism related to anxiety?
Yes, perfectionism frequently occurs in children with anxiety. While perfectionism isn’t used alone to diagnose anxiety, there is a significant correlation between the two. If your child shows perfectionist tendencies alongside other anxiety symptoms, it may be worth exploring further.

4. How can I support my child without enabling their anxiety?
It’s important to distinguish between ‘enabling’ and supporting children.  In a behaviorist-based system, we might say that a child who struggles with loud noise at lunchtime is being ‘enabled’ if they’re allowed to escape to a quieter place.  We can also see how allowing them to eat in a quieter place can help them to feel more regulated, so they’re less explosive later in the day.  Strategies like bringing a comfort object, arriving early to events (so there are fewer people around, if your child has social anxiety) or meeting new teachers before the school year help children learn to manage anxiety rather than avoid it.

5. What role does play have in managing child anxiety?
Play is a powerful tool for combating anxiety. During play, the brain is thinking, planning, and organizing information in a way that naturally pushes out anxious thoughts. Even simple activities like rolling a ball around the living room or cleaning up toys in a playful way can help shift a child’s mental state away from anxiety.

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Note: If you’re a person of a non-dominant culture (a term I use to avoid centering whiteness, and to acknowledge the power differential present in systems of structural racism) reading this, then I see you and I’m listening and I’m working to do better to understand my own privilege and work to dismantle it.

[For the rest of this post, to be consistent with language that people who are new to this work have probably seen in other places, and because this issue is largely focused on Black lives right now – although it should be expanded to all people of non-dominant cultures – I will use the words Black and White.]

A lot of (mostly White) parents are reaching out to me right now to ask whether and how they should talk with their preschool-aged children about the Black Lives Matter movement.  As the White parent of a mixed-race (but mostly white-presenting) daughter, I wanted to share some thoughts on how these conversations have been going at our house in the hope that it might help you.

I’ve looked at quite a bit of the scientific research on how children think about race, and on white privilege in parenting and in schools.  (There are a list of episodes and other resources here, all with full peer-reviewed references.). I lost more subscribers after releasing each of these episodes than after episodes on any other topic, but I kept going because I believe this work is important.

I don’t want you to think of me as an ‘expert’ on this.  I’m not.  I’m spending a lot of time listening to Black voices right now – in the parenting world and elsewhere – to understand the most useful things to do.  Part of this work is to shut up and listen when I’m in in diverse spaces.  And part of it is to use the platform that I’ve built to talk with other White parents about our role in this work, to save Black parents from the labor of educating White parents about how to be anti-racist and raise anti-racist children.

So if you’ve never really thought much about your privilege as a White person raising White children, think of me as one step ahead of you, extending a hand backward to support you as you take your own first step.

Why it’s important to have this conversation with your children

It has become increasingly clear to me over the last few years that how we raise our children is one of the most impactful things that we can do to change our society.  This goes for patriarchal systems that privilege maleness above female-ness (and all other genders).  And this goes for systems where one race is privileged above all others.

If we want our world to be different, we can’t just continue to raise our children in the same way that we were raised, shielding them from things that we’re uncomfortable discussing, and failing to acknowledge our own role in the system and the benefits we get from it.  If we tell our children “I don’t see color; all people matter the same to me” then we are simply perpetuating the systems we currently have.  Teaching children ‘not to see race’ is actually one of the most effective ways of raising a child with racially biased attitudes.

We must also acknowledge that we have the privilege to make a choice about whether we talk with our child about these topics.  Black parents don’t have that privilege; they have to make SURE their preschool-aged boys are never seen in public with a NERF gun in case they get shot.  Our privilege allows us to avoid these conversations entirely, and to use delicate words to avoid being clear if it makes us uncomfortable.

This is going to be uncomfortable.

Sit with it.  Be OK with it.  Do it anyway.

I also want to acknowledge that this will not be, and cannot be, a one-time conversation with your child.  It took several generations of systemic racism to get us to where we are right now, and it may take several generations more to recover from it as a society – even if we truly get serious about this work today.

Starting the conversation with books

If you feel completely out of your depth, you might want to start with children’s books containing Black characters (not always an easy task, since only about 10% of children’s books published in 2018 featured Black protagonists.   More books with animals as protagonists were published in 2018 than books featuring American Indian/First Nation, Latinx, Asian American/Asian and Pacific Islander and Black children combined).

So, start with books if you can find them.  Make sure your collection includes books that discuss difficult topics like racism, slavery, and the Civil Rights Movement.  Do be aware that no children’s book discusses any of these topics accurately and completely, so you must read more than one book.  The majority leave children with the impression that systemic racism is a thing of the past; that Rosa Parks sat down on a bus and things are all better now.

I worked with a professor to curate a book list that, when read as a set, covers every one of the principles on slavery and the Civil Rights Movement that the Southern Poverty Law Center says we should teach (you can download the book list for free on this page).  You will still likely need to supplement these books with conversations about how systemic racism is still very much a part of our lives.

So read books about these important topics – but also read books with featuring Black children and characters just living their lives.  We don’t want the only impression that our White children have about Black people is that they are oppressed – they are also vital, vibrant, active contributors to our world.

Starting the conversation about killings of Black people

White parents are often worried about scaring their children by talking about guns and murder.  That’s understandable.  Recognize, again, that you have the privilege to not have this conversation if you don’t want to do it.

The way I approached it was that when my daughter was old enough to know that people can kill other people (which she picked up at school at about age 4), I also considered her to be old enough to know that Black people are murdered by White people.  When she was old enough to know that guns and bullets kill people, she was old enough to know that Dr. Martin Luther King was shot and killed.

Now she’s almost six, I don’t make a conscious effort to protect her from any specific ideas.  She knows that George Floyd was murdered when a White police officer put his knee on George Floyd’s neck so he couldn’t breathe.

If your child is highly stressed by current COVID-19-related events (as some children are, as a result of being at home for extended periods of time and unable to meet up with friends), you might make the decision to wait a little while before having this conversation.  But again, know that it is your privilege that allows you to do this.

Having the conversation about the riots

Parents seem to be struggling particularly to discuss the riots that have been happening in many cities around the U.S.., perhaps partly because we seem to spend half our lives telling our children to stop destroying stuff around the house and stop hitting their siblings.

Honestly, I didn’t understand this issue myself until quite recently – I couldn’t see why Black people would destroy businesses, and even Black-owned businesses, in their own community.

But then I learned about Black anger toward, and trauma from, the entire racist system they live in.

A system that forced them to work for free and then branded them lazy.

A system that makes nutritious food unavailable to Black communities and then tells them their health problems are their own fault for being fat.

A system that exposes Black people disproportionately to COVID-19, and then fails to provide adequate healthcare for them.

A system that funnels money disproportionately to White-owned businesses to enable their recovery from COVID-related financial pressures.

A system that allows White people to kill Black people without fear of punishment.

A system that Black people have been protesting for centuries, and they have been ignored and told to “speak calmly” and “be logical” and that we “can’t engage with their anger.”

If you and your family had experienced this, wouldn’t you be angry?  Would you be traumatized?  And if you’d already tried civil conversations on White people’s terms and voting, and peaceful protests, wouldn’t you feel like you needed to take greater action to make people listen?

(And, as a side note, I’ve been in some conversations lately on what to actually call the riots… ‘riot’ actually doesn’t seem to be an appropriate term when you put it in the context of this anger and trauma.  Neither does vandalism, or insurrection, or any of the other alternatives.)

Continuing the conversation about systemic racism

One of the hardest parts about the conversation about systemic racism is acknowledging that we White parents are complicit in it.  We don’t have to apologize for being White; we didn’t ask to be born with White skin.  But throughout our lives we have benefitted from this privilege even without knowing it.

And as parents we have used it to our advantage: we have been able to access healthcare services and engage with our obstetricians to protect our health and our infant’s health.   We may have shared spreadsheets of information with other White parents about preschool and school application procedures; information that Black parents might have found more difficult to access.  We have selected summer camps and sports and music classes to help our children to develop skills that will continue to help them to get ahead for the rest of their lives – while also extending our own networks to the other (White) parents whose children are attending these classes.

Even today, as I sit here typing this post, already on my own anti-racist journey, I’m still benefitting from my white privilege.  I own my house (well, the bank still owns most of it right now) – but Whites are approved for mortgage loans and receive lower interest rate loans than Black and Latino applicants.  If I need to run to the store to get some milk, I can be reasonably sure that cars will stop for me when I cross the street.  If I accidentally lock myself out of my house and need to break in, nobody will call the police and have me arrested.  I can even let my daughter play out on the street lightly supervised (with me upstairs with the door open and other neighborhood children around) without risking getting arrested and having my daughter removed from my care.

If we talk with our children about George Floyd and Dr. Martin Luther King and the riots and we don’t also talk about how we ourselves have benefited and continue to benefit from our White privilege, we aren’t having the full conversation.  Having privilege doesn’t make us bad people.  We can be nice and benefit from privilege at the same time.  But if we’re going to be anti-racist, we need to acknowledge that privilege and do what we can to redistribute it: to take less for ourselves, and give more to others.

How to actually have the conversation

I know a number of folks reading this might be seeing all of this conceptual information but still struggle to actually have the conversation, so here’s a place to get started.  Don’t take it as a script; take it as some phrases that you might find useful and adapt as you see fit, perhaps over a period of several days rather than all at once.

If you can, start with a question your child has – perhaps about something they saw on the news, or boarded up shops in your town.  If your child isn’t asking questions, you can just share what’s on your mind.  Obviously you’ll pause to check for understanding and answer any questions your child has that come up as you’re going through.

“Hey, could we talk about something I’ve been thinking about a lot lately?  It’s important to me, and I want to share it with you.

There’s a lot going on in the country right now, and a lot of people are angry.  A couple of weeks ago a Black man called George Floyd bought something in a store and the worker in the store thought he used a $20 bill that wasn’t real.  We aren’t supposed to use money that isn’t real and the worker called the police.  When the police came, they held George on the ground and one of the police officers put his knee on George’s neck so he couldn’t breathe, and George died.  

It isn’t right that any person should die because they did something that might have been just a little bit wrong, and because they happen to have dark skin, and a lot of people are very angry about it.  I’m very angry about it. 

This isn’t the first time something like this has happened – actually a lot of Black people have been killed by White people – even by White police officers.  Because it’s happened so many times before, and because Black people have been saying so long that this isn’t fair, they’re tired of telling us using polite words.  Some people are protesting by going out together and holding signs, and some people are so angry that they have broken windows and taken things that don’t belong to them, and even set cars on fire.  Normally we say that those things are wrong, and people shouldn’t do them.  But in this case, because we haven’t listened when Black people have asked us nicely and told us using polite words, they are now telling us in a different way and we have to listen to what they’re saying.

We have pretty light colored skin, right?  Mine is very light, and Daddy’s is a bit darker, and yours is kind of in between.  And we’ve talked about how people who have dark colored skin are more likely to have to go to jail than someone with light colored skin, even when they do exactly the same thing wrong.  Because I have light skin I’m called a White person, and because your skin is almost as light as mine people will probably often think you’re White too, even though Grandma and Grandpa came from the Philippines so your skin is a little bit darker than mine. 

Because I’m White and you look White, people treat us differently than they treat a Black person who has dark colored skin.  Sometimes we might see that happening, when a worker in a store is polite to us and then rude to a Black person.  But sometimes you might not see it happening, and even Daddy and I might not see it happening.  Did you know that when we applied to your preschool, that one of the reasons that you were able to go there was because we already knew some of the families who went to the school, and they called the school and said that they’d love to have you go there?  I know it’s been great going to school with so many of your friends, but if there was a Black child who wanted to go to the school at the same time and they didn’t know any of the families at school, they wouldn’t have been able to go.  That didn’t seem fair to me, so I wrote to the teachers to ask them to think about changing the way they choose which children will go to your school in the future.

And you know how we sort of own this house, right?  We say it’s ours but really the bank owns it until we pay all the money back that the bank loaned to us to buy it.  Well sometimes banks will say to Black people: “I’m sorry; we’re not going to lend you the money to buy a house,” or they might say “You can have the money,” but then they make the Black person pay more money back to the bank than the White person.  Those kinds of things happen all the time without you or me even knowing about them.

So when we do see something happening that isn’t fair, it’s really important that we do something about it.  If you are by yourself and you see something that isn’t fair, look to see who else is there and will also say it isn’t fair, and if you can find at least one other person, then speak up right then and there. 

But there may be times when you see something that isn’t fair and it doesn’t feel safe to say something.  Maybe the person doing the unfair thing is a teacher or a police officer.  If it doesn’t feel safe to say something right then, you can always come and tell me or Daddy about it afterward, and then we can help to talk to the people who were there.

And it’s really important that we think about how some things that are unfair might be happening even if normally they might be hidden from us, or if it’s easier for us to choose not to see them.  When we do see them, we need to learn as much as we can about them and then do what we can to make them more fair.

Do you have any questions about this?  It’s OK if you don’t right now; if you think of any later you can come back and ask me at any time.

So I’m wondering if you’d like to help me to do something right now?  I’ve been doing a lot of work on this myself – I’ve been writing a lot of things to try to help parents who are just thinking about these things for the first time so they can talk with their children about them.  And I’ve donated money to an organization that helps people who are arrested while they’re protesting to get out of jail.  I called our police department to ask them what they’re doing to make sure that they treat Black people fairly.  I’m also in a [reparations] group [on Facebook] where Black people who need things ask for them, and White people give them things.  You have some money in your Donation [pocket money] jar right now – would you like to give some of that to some Black people who need help?  Let’s get the jar and see how much you have, and then we can give the money to people right now.”

If you mess up at some point during this conversation, that’s OK.  (Accept that you probably will mess it up!).  After the conversation, you’ll think about ways you wish you could have done it differently.  Then you can go back to your child and say “Remember when we talked about George Floyd a couple of days ago?  I remember telling you [idea], and then I had a chance to think about it and I realized that that isn’t quite right.  What I meant to say was…[new idea].  Do you have any questions about that?”.

This is the journey of a lifetime – of several lifetimes.  Will you join me in taking the first step?

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Remember playing the telephone game at school and summer camp? The leader would give a message like, “There’s supposed to be a storm tonight with thunder and lightning.” Everyone whispered the message to the person next to them and by the time the statement got to the last person in line, it was something like, “The reporter was wearing sneakers with glow-in-the-dark laces.”

It’s a fun game for summer camp, but when it happens in real life, it’s a serious problem.

Contradictory messages about screen time

The telephone game is what I think of when I see all the contradictory messages for parents about screen time. Screen time is an issue many parents struggle with, so sensationalizing it is sure to draw an audience. This is why so many of the headlines are incredibly dramatic. Headlines promise answers to the question that haunts parents — how bad is screen time for my children – especially when they’re getting so much of it while schools are closed?

In reality, dramatic headlines usually lead to stories with inconclusive information, misinterpretation of scientific data, or controversial opinions. The more disconnected an article is from solid research, the more opportunity there is for manipulation and misunderstanding. Writers, especially those who are not experts in the field they are writing about or familiar with best practices in research, depend upon the researchers to present their findings clearly. Unfortunately, all research, and research papers, are not equal.

The authors of one tiny research project which studied only 47 children concluded that “further study” was needed to look at screen time and brain development. Based on this research, we got headlines like, Scientists finally know what screen time does to your toddler’s brain. That article asserts that “more screen time leads to slower brain development.”

But when we actually look at the research behind the article, we can see that children who watch more screen time have some structural differences in the white matter of their brains.  We don’t know how much more screen time needs to be watched for these differences to occur, and the researchers also acknowledge that many of the differences disappear once socioeconomic status was taken into account.  Because the results were correlational, the changes in brain structure could have been caused by something entirely unrelated to screen time, and actually related to socioeconomic status.  It hardly seems like we “finally” know what screen time does to our child’s brain at all.

Screen time is hard to study – like most aspects of early childhood – because there are so many variables at play. Considering the complexity of the issue, it’s irresponsible to present the correlational results from one tiny study as a definitive answer.

What do the experts say about screen time?

One way I combat all the misinformation is to focus on statements made by the experts. When it comes to children, the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) is one of my most trusted resources. There’s an episode of Your Parenting Mojo called Understanding the AAP’s new screen time guidelines.

In short, there was a change in the AAP’s Policy Statement on Media and Young Minds in 2016. Here are the highlights:

• No screen time other than video chatting for infants under 18 months
• Children ages 2-5 should be limited to high-quality programming and they should be exposed to less than 1 hour a day
• Parents and children should view media together
• Have set times and places that are media-free (like at the dinner table)
• Make sure media time does not reduce time spent sleeping or engaging in physical activity

After looking at the AAP statement and some of the research studies that they based their statement on, I had three major takeaways:

1. Media use should not replace activities that children need for proper development (more about that later.)
2. High-quality, developmentally-appropriate media, is best.
3. Even when studies found a relationship between screen time and behavioral functioning or cognitive development, they were not able to demonstrate that screens caused these differences in cognitive development.

For example, if researchers find children consuming more media have more behavioral problems, is the media causing the behavior, or are parents more inclined to allow more screen time when their children have behavioral problems? Is there some other factor at play? We just don’t know.

And how can we use these guidelines in a time when we may feel reliant on screens to keep our children entertained for at least part of the day while we work?

A developmental perspective

Current research is inconclusive with regards to screens and childhood, so I think the best thing we can do is focus on what we do know and apply it to our child’s life. In my interview with Dr. Kristy Goodwin, one of Australia’s leading digital parenting experts and the author of Raising Your Child in a Digital World, we discussed the 7 basic developmental needs children have: relationships, language exposure, sleep, play, movement, good nutrition, and opportunities to develop executive function skills (skills related to setting goals, planning, and carrying out our plans).

Dr. Goodwin has a helpful exercise to help parents figure out how screens should fit into their child’s life. If we think of our child’s day – a 24 hour period as a jar, the top priority is to ensure we are meeting the 7 basic needs. The amount of sleep will vary, but if we go with an average of 12 hours, which is within the recommended range of time for 3-5 year-olds to sleep, it makes the math easier. Next, consider the amount of time required for eating. Again, this will vary from child-to-child, but if we have 3 meals and 2 snacks each day, that might be 2 hours spent on nutrition. Now we need to determine how much time should the child be spending on the other building blocks. Obviously, there’s some overlap. If you are helping your toddler get dressed, you are working on social, executive function, physical movement, and language.

This is where I believe most articles that advise (or shame) parents about screen time fall short.

It makes sense that a single activity, like getting dressed, touches on multiple needs. I think screen time can also overlap with some of these needs. We need to be mindful about the screen time we allow. Of course, screen time isn’t necessary to develop these skills, but it doesn’t have to take time away from them either.

“How much screen time is ok for my child?” isn’t the right question. I prefer to ask: “What developmental necessity is this particular screen time activity building?”

How screen time contributes to the developmental building blocks

Most of the parents I talk to worry about the amount of screen time their children are getting, especially now it may seem like one of the few options we have to keep our child busy while we work.

Some screen time activities overlap nicely with the developmental needs children have. Lisa Guernsey, director of the teaching, learning and tech program at New America says, “What people are really concerned about is not screen time. It’s mindless time, or it’s sedentary time or it’s being alone,” There are ways to use technology and screens that are not mindless, sedentary, or lonely. If we look for those kinds of activities, the conversation around screen time becomes much more nuanced – and productive.

Video chatting with relatives is a nice way to help children build stronger social connections. Even the AAP separates video chatting from other kinds of undesirable screen time – digital babysitters can be enormously helpful right now.  My five-year-old can easily spend an hour video chatting with her aunt or grandparents, which also frees up time for me.

Benefits of reading with children are widely acknowledged. Digital books, or eBooks can widen your child’s reading options almost infinitely. Most public libraries can provide access to eBooks. I use the Libby app to access audiobooks for myself, but Libby can also provide access to eBooks and audiobooks for children; all I needed to get started was my library card. Some books for children are packed with ‘bells and whistles’ to make them interactive. Although interactivity is usually a good thing in media, the AAP warns that these features can decrease a child’s comprehension. It’s best to use books that are more similar to print.

Isolation is frequently listed as a problem associated with technology, but if children are playing a game with a parent, relative, or friend, they might be discussing strategy, collaborating, and taking turns. By sharing the screen with another person, children are developing relationships and language. They may even be working on executive functioning skills if they are working on a building or strategy-based game. Ideally this sharing a screen would mean two people are in the same location using the same screen, but playing a game or reading a book via an app works, too.

Apps and activities where children have the opportunity to create can develop executive function and language skills. My daughter really enjoys watching videos of herself. Recently I took a video of her “reading” a book. When children see themselves doing things like reading, it helps motivate them to read more. Having a grandparent or other relative record themselves reading a book or two each week can be a lovely way to build family connections but that takes away the pressure that both grandparent and grandchild can feel on a face-to-face video call.

There are also apps available that allow children to create their own animated cartoons, and then record a story to go along with the action.  My daughter needed about five minutes of instruction on the basic features before she was off and running.  As she narrates her videos, she is developing her language and story-telling abilities.

If you have an old digital camera kicking around, children can have great fun with those too – children can make slideshows of things around the house that interest them.  More than a few of ours have featured images of the toilet.  Sometimes with its contents.

The internet can make literacy activities more authentic for children. Adults read and write for a purpose. Educators work hard to give students authentic reading and writing experiences. This means they are reading and writing for a real, not contrived, purpose. A child who is reluctant to read on their own might be interested in reading on video if they can then send the video to a relative (or just watch themselves being awesome later.)

Don’t completely neglect ‘passive’ media like videos, although we have to acknowledge that some videos are better than others. If you can’t be with your child while you’re watching, you’ll want to stick with content that aims a little lower so your child can understand the content even without an explanation from you.  If you and your child can watch a video together and talk about it, then you’re developing language and relationships with the video and you can also aim the content a little higher.  I really like the collection of videos on The Kid Should See This, which are created for adults but are child-friendly with a little explanation.

Other videos encourage kids to exercise. Lots of schools use GoNoodle to give students “brain breaks.” These videos that get kids moving are also available to families. Kids can learn dance moves, yoga, and relaxation techniques. Learning Station is a Youtube Channel that gets kids moving. When playing outside isn’t an option, videos can inspire physical activity that is much safer than jumping on the bed.

Play may be the toughest developmental need to meet with technology. That’s because the play that children need is not the kind where they repeatedly push a button or mindlessly tap on things. The play they need should involve creativity and planning. It should also involve manipulating objects.  I don’t know a whole lot about Minecraft, but my understanding is that it’s all about building, exploring, and crafting. That seems like an activity where children could get some of the required play, but I think it could also be used in a way that isn’t effective (and it’s for older children.) If you engage in techno-play with your child, you’ll be able to tell if what they are doing is helpful or not.

In general, if the activity a child is doing on a screen is interactive in some way, it’s more likely to be beneficial. Instead of focusing on the number of minutes your child is using screens, focus on how they are using the screens and what needs are being met.

Screen time in the “new normal” life

As many of us are spending less time with people outside our families and more time at home, screen time has increased dramatically for both adults and children. The CDC website states that it is very important to stay connected to friends and family we don’t live with, and that the safe way to do this during the pandemic is through technology.

We need to give ourselves some grace right now. Pay attention to how online activities are influencing your child’s mood. Encourage activities that seem to be a positive influence, and try to reduce the time spent doing less helpful activities.

Perhaps in the story of our children’s lives, this pandemic will be remembered as the time in their lives when they had the freedom to go a little wild–they stayed in their pajamas all day, played video games, and sat in their parents’ laps while they had Zoom meetings for work. I think whatever positive memories we can create are essential to getting through this time.

Right now screen time is more likely to have a positive impact on mental health than a negative impact. If allowing screen time right now makes you a calmer happier parent, I hope you’ll give yourself permission to let loose.

Putting it all together

Remember that not all screen time is equal. School work and video chats are completely different from mindless videos – which can also have an occasional role to play (don’t we adults zone out in front of mindless videos sometimes??). I’ve seen lots of local places offering opportunities for kids to take virtual painting classes, dance lessons, and even soccer practice online using social media or video chat. Teachers are sharing videos of themselves reading stories. Rather than counting the Screen Time minutes, a much more nuanced approach will both get us through Shelter in Place restrictions and even contribute to our children’s learning and development.

Nusheen Ameenuddin, a Mayo Clinic doctor and chair of the American Academy of Pediatrics council on communications and media, was recently quoted in the Washington Post saying, “I don’t want parents to beat themselves up about anything. These are really extraordinary, unusual circumstances and we don’t expect anyone — even before covid-19 — to follow rules 100 percent.”

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“Although the world is full of suffering, it is full also of the overcoming of it.”

Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs) hadn’t been formally named and studied yet back in Helen Keller’s day (the landmark study was published in 1998), but she still recognized both trauma and resilience in the world.

We all have oddities, habits, or beliefs we can trace back to our parents. One friend I have saves used cottage cheese and yogurt containers to put leftovers in. She washes them out by hand and has stacks of them in her cupboard. She uses them occasionally, but I don’t see how she could ever use all of them. Reducing waste and recycling are great habits, but this is a bit out of control. She’s confessed to me that her parents always saved containers, and it’s just something she’s always done. I suspect her husband throws them away sometimes when she’s not home, or her house would be completely overrun! This is a harmless example of a habit passed down through generations, but not all things passed down are harmless.

When people have a childhood filled with trauma, they are far more likely to have all sorts of problems as adults. Blaming our parents for all our adult problems isn’t the solution here, but acknowledging our childhood trauma is an important part of the healing process. In many cases, trauma is unintentionally inflicted on children by adults who are struggling with their own trauma from the past.

In this post, I’ll explain Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs) and discuss some of the ways trauma from a person’s childhood impacts their life and their own parenting. My next post will discuss strategies for building resilience – for both you and your child. I’ll also tell you about a workshop I’m offering called Taming Your Triggers to support you on your healing journey.

What are Adverse Childhood Experiences?

A significant study in the 1990s demonstrated – for the first time – that childhood trauma increases an individual’s risk of developing a remarkably wide range of physical and psychological health problems.

In the study, participants answered a 10 question survey and received an ACE Score between 0-7. Broadly, the ACE questionnaire asks about these experiences:

• Physical abuse
• Sexual abuse
• Emotional abuse
• Domestic violence in the household
• Criminal activity in the household
• Mental illness in the household
• Substance abuse in the household

If you’d like to, you can find out your own ACE Score by taking the survey located here. For us as parents, I think the takeaway here is that if you experienced traumatic events as a child, it may still be impacting your well-being and health. One traumatic event can lead to more traumatic events. In short, traumatic events from your past may be making it hard to be the parent you want to be.

Imagine a child who grows up in a home where they saw one parent control and beat the other or their parents were regularly too drunk to provide safe care. This child may grow up assuming their lives are normal; they may not realize they’re experienced trauma. That doesn’t mean the trauma doesn’t affect them. They might notice they are quick to get angry, unable to express emotion, or that they struggle to hold down a long-term job.

One of the most shocking aspects of the ACE study was the prevalence of childhood trauma.  The ACE Study has been replicated many times since the original research in 1998. On average, the CDC says 61% of adults in the US have an ACE score of at least 1. About 15% reported having a score of 4 or higher.

One important limitation of the various studies on ACEs is that they only tend to examine trauma associated with abuse and household dysfunction. They don’t address trauma due to factors like structural racism, natural disasters, wars, or other factors – so if you have experienced these kinds of events then your ‘official’ ACE score is likely underestimated.

These kinds of events can cause trauma in individuals that has lasting effects. People with high ACE scores are significantly more likely to abuse drugs and alcohol or be violent with their partners which in turn creates adverse childhood experiences for their children. Adults with 4 or more ACEs are twice as likely to develop liver disease, 4.5 times more likely to develop depression, 6.1 times more likely to receive treatment for mental illness, and 11 times more likely to use intravenous drugs.

This is why it’s important for us, as parents, to try to heal from our own traumatic experiences and develop our resilience, so we can break the cycle of trauma and raise our children to be more completely fulfilled than we have been.

Trauma changes the structure of our brains

Our reactions to trauma aren’t just based on the type and severity of trauma; the field of epigenetics tells us that experiences can actually determine which of our genes get turned off or turned on.  So our reaction  to things that happen to us is a result of of environmental factors, genetic risk, and personality. This is why some people can experience what psychologists call ‘Big T Trauma’ like the Holocaust and emerge relatively unscathed, while others go through ‘little t trauma’ like feeling a lack of attachment to their parent and it ends up severely impacting their lives.

When we experience trauma, we go into “fight, flight, freeze mode” and our brain is flooded with a hormone called cortisol. When this system is over-activated, as it would be in a case of ongoing family trauma, we might have intense and vivid memories, flashbulb memories (having a very detailed memory of a specific moment), intrusive memories (which pop up at apparently rando times), or completely forgetting the trauma through the process of dissociation. When we are in this state, our frontal cortex – where we process information and construct meaning – is shut down.  When we can’t think clearly ourselves and may also feel we can’t discuss the subject with others our memories of the event may be vivid and distressing, but very disorganized.

Your ACEs can have a huge impact on your parenting

People with higher ACE scores are more likely to engage in risky behavior. The behavior may begin as a solution – a way to release stress or escape. When parents engage in high-risk behaviors, the whole family suffers the consequences. Alcoholism, domestic violence, rocky relationships, and legal trouble are just a few of the potential family stressors.

When we think about intergenerational trauma, we often think of the cycle of violence. If a parent was abused or mistreated, their child is more likely to experience abuse or mistreatment. In addition, the consequences of the parent’s trauma – posttraumatic stress, anxiety, or even physical conditions like altered levels of cortisol affect their child’s life as the parent finds they have a short fuse and feels ‘triggered’ by everyday situations.

1. Reenacting our past trauma

We may unconsciously reenact trauma. For example, if we grew up constantly being ignored by our primary parent, we may tend to seek out partners who will ignore us. We’re drawn to these people subconsciously. On some level, it seems that if we can find a way to make our relationship work or to ‘fix’ our partner, we’ll be able to heal from the trauma of the past because our brains trick us into believing that we can ‘have another chance’ at succeeding in an unhealthy relationship. If we were mistreated by a parent, we may find ourselves in relationships where we are mistreated. Our brains tell us that if we can make this relationship work, we’ll somehow make the past alright. We unintentionally recreate the family situation that we are familiar with. We might have these unhealthy relationships with partners, with a job or a friend, or some other project we take on.

2. Losing your rational thinking ability because of triggering

Maria can hear her husband and daughter playing in the next room. It’s a lovely sound. There’s lots of giggling. Then she hears her daughter say, “Stop!” A few seconds later she hears it again. She goes into the next room and sees her daughter being tickled. She’s squirming and trying to get away. Maria trusts her husband, but seeing and hearing this scene triggers past memories of abuse. How she reacts could leave a lasting impact on her child, her marriage, or both, but in the moment, she isn’t able to think rationally and make a conscious choice.

Our children can remind us of our past trauma, and when this happens we may feel ‘triggered.’. When we’re triggered, we stop acting with our rational brain and slip into our ‘reptile brain.’ We perceive danger. We react with “fight, flight, or freeze.” We developed this instinctive response to protect ourselves when we were young but now we’re adults, the instinctive response often prevents us from effectively managing situations and solving problems.

Anger is a common response to traumatic events, especially when the person who inflicted the trauma was a caregiver (this is called ‘complex trauma’). When we experience events that remind us – consciously or unconsciously – of a traumatic incident, we may unleash that anger onto others. Some survivors of childhood trauma find themselves getting severely angry for reasons they can’t identify or having strong angry responses that are disproportionate to the apparent cause of the anger. It’s also common for anger to be misdirected, so a person might feel angry at the whole world rather than toward specific people or circumstances. These reactions can be reactions to trauma we acknowledge, trauma we try to minimize, or trauma we haven’t identified.

3. Imitating our abusers

Mike sees his kids playing. In a flash, they go from laughing and fun to an all-out wrestling match. One child is significantly bigger than the other. Mike snaps at the older child, “What the hell do you think you’re doing! You’re an idiot! Get out of my sight!” The older child bursts into tears and runs off. Mike feels like he’s going to be sick.

People have a tendency to ‘turn into’ their parents. Especially when we become parents, it’s very common to notice ourselves saying specific words or using particular tones that we recognize as our parents. In the example above, Mike heard those phrases so frequently as a child, that they came out of his mouth automatically. It’s something he never wanted to say to his own children. Without noticing this behavior and making a conscious effort not to turn into our parents, it’s very likely that we will imitate their parenting style, whether it fits with our personal values and goals for raising our children – or not.

4. Distorted thinking

When children hear repeated messages about their own inadequacy, they internalize negative messages. They may believe they are incapable of success or unworthy of love. This can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. If a parent believes they are incapable of breaking the cycle of abuse or caring for their child, it can come true.

5. Overcompensating in an effort to do things differently

If a parent remembers feeling controlled as a child and decides they will not be like their parent, they may go too far in the other direction and fail to give their child enough structure. If a parent recalls getting into dangerous situations as a child, they may smother their child in an effort to keep them safe.

6. Family stress resulting from your mental and physical illness

One of the most surprising effects of childhood trauma is the increased likelihood of developing illnesses and diseases. An ACE score of 4 or more significantly increases the risk of developing serious, often fatal, diseases and conditions: cancer, Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease (COPD), heart disease, stroke, and several others.

Parenting is tough for all of us. If we have poor health, it is tougher. It’s not really possible to definitively say that childhood trauma causes physical diseases and conditions later in life, but the correlation between higher numbers of ACEs and health problems is undeniable.

The cycle can end with you

If this is the first you’ve heard of ACEs, all this information can be overwhelming. Maybe you see the connections between ACEs and behavior you’ve seen in yourself, your partner, or a friend.  If you are trying to recover from childhood trauma, it’s wise to work with a therapist trained in trauma-informed care. Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) and Trauma-Informed Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (TI-CBT) are two examples of evidence-based trauma-informed therapy. Ask about your therapist’s specific training regarding trauma-informed care before you start therapy.

Also, keep in mind:

1. ACEs are preventable. While we can’t completely control the environment our child grows up in, and some stress is necessary for a child’s normal development, our child does not have to experience the trauma you may have experienced. You can protect your child.
2. Even as an adult, you can build your resilience in a way that reduces your triggered feelings and improves the emotional climate in your home. In my next post, I’ll discuss some action steps you can take to build your resilience and stop the cycle of trauma and abuse. In my Taming Your Triggers workshop, we’ll work on recognizing and managing your triggers and learning new strategies to stop the cycle. Endorsed by a trauma-informed therapist and used by hundreds of parents to better understand how their experiences have impacted their parenting, you’ll learn how to begin healing yourself and walk a path toward clarity and calm. Click the banner to learn more.

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As I’ve mentioned before, teaching children about Thanksgiving – and even celebrating it – can be extremely problematic once you look beyond the myths that have been perpetuated about it for generations.  The traditional narrative of the Pilgrims with tall black hats and “Indians” wearing headdresses (what is it about the headwear?!) who sat down together to eat turkey and sweet potatoes simply didn’t happen.  There probably was a meal at some point, but the Wampanoag had been practicing giving thanks for thousands of years before White settlers arrived, so to herald this single event as the ‘origin’ of Thanksgiving is simply inaccurate.

And besides the inaccuracy there’s the issue of setting aside a day which essentially celebrates the attempted (and partially achieved) genocide of Native people – and once we know this, how do we explain it to our children?  I believe that the best way to start is to talk with children about the ways we might have celebrated Thanksgiving in the past, and why we’re choosing to differently this year.  You might choose to attend an event like the National Day of Mourning march in Massachusetts or Unthanksgiving Day on Alcatraz Island (maybe we’ll see you there?).  Check with your local tribe to see if they have any events planned.

Books for Children

Another thing you can do is to read books written by and about Native Americans.  Many books on this topic are written by White authors who might even have good intentions about their depictions of Native peoples, but who nevertheless commit microaggressions in their stories.  For this reason, all six of the books I’m recommending were written by the people whose culture is depicted in the story and as you broaden your horizons on books beyond this list I’d encourage you to consider using this selection criteria as well (the #OwnVoices hashtag can be very helpful here).

Only one of these books (We Are Grateful) is specifically about giving thanks; I’ve selected the others to provide an illustration of the types of books about Native Americans that you may choose to seek out in the future – books about historical events; about the ways cultural traditions are still part of Natives’ daily lives; about the use of story to guide children’s behavior; and about ongoing Native struggles and activism.

And as a ‘bonus’ I include one book (1621: A New Look At Thanksgiving) which is co-written by a White/Abenaki duo along with staff of the Plimoth Plantation museum, which aims to provide “a new look at the real history that inspired the myth of The First Thanksgiving.”  While this volume is a step in the right direction it also glosses over a lot, and leaves the otherwise-uninformed reader with the impression that Native people exist only in the past.  The book is included to support you in taking first steps toward a fuller understanding of the origins of Thanksgiving, while also helping you to think critically about how stories are told by outsiders.

[Note: This post contains affiliate links, which means that I earn a small commission if you purchase these books after clicking on a link here.  This does not affect your purchase price.  I would encourage you to choose whatever balance of saving money/reducing environmental impacts (e.g. borrowing from your library or purchasing used) and supporting Native authors (buying new) feels right to you.]

Crossing Bok Chitto – Tim Tingle (Oklahoma Choctaw) and Jeanne Rorex Bridges (Echota Cherokee)

This book is a fictional account of a Mississippi Choctaw family (where the Choctaw lived before being forcibly marched to Oklahoma in the 1830s) who helped slaves to escape.  If a slave could make it across the Bok Chitto River, they would become free and their owner could not pursue.

The Choctaw girl Martha Tom knows about the path of stones that the Choctaw had built just under the surface of the river, and uses it to cross in search of blackberries.  She strikes up a friendship with enslaved boy Little Mo, and when Little Mo’s mother is about to be sold to a new owner (which would break up the family), Little Mo requests Martha Tom’s help to use the secret river crossing.

Think that slavery is a topic too heavy for young children?  I encourage you to listen to this podcast episode before making that decision – there’s a list of books on the topic suitable for preschoolers available to download there as well.  Age 4-8

The Good Luck Cat – Joy Harjo (Muskogee-Creek) and Paul Lee

The narrator’s cat, Woogie, is working through her nine lives too quickly.  Woogie gets into the tumble dryer, the street, and the car engine – and makes it out each time.  It’s almost all over when the little girl puts Woogie in a box in the car to take to a powwow and then forgets about her.  There is little to explicitly mark this book as a story ‘about Native Americans,’ providing an opportunity for children to see modern people with concerns just like their own instead of people who exist only in the past.  Age 2-5

Wild Berries – Julie Flett (Cree-Métis)

This short, simple story about the day that Clarence spends picking wild berries with his grandmother is beautiful to read and look at.  Each page contains a word or phrase set apart in a script font, showing the English in black and the same word in Cree in red text.  Pronunciation will be completely unfamiliar to non-native readers, so there’s a helpful phonetic guide in the back of the book.  No, your child is not going to learn enough Cree from this book to do anything useful.  But they can still learn that other people speak different languages, that a first encounter with something we don’t understand is an opportunity to respectfully learn more, and how to gracefully attempt a new skill like language learning even if we don’t get it right immediately.

The story is quiet and yet emotionally full, as Clarence observes the creatures of the woods – and leaves a handful of berries behind for them, and is beautifully complemented by the author’s own illustrations.  I’d also recommend seeking out other books she has written or illustrated.  Age 2-5

We Are Grateful/Otsaliheliga – Traci Sorell (Cherokee) and Frané Lessac

This book contains many layers beneath its deceptively simple story.  On the surface it’s a book about giving thanks – the Cherokee new year begins in Autumn, but the story is a reminder to give thanks throughout the year.  And look!  Giving thanks didn’t start when White people arrived!

Cherokee vocabulary is sprinkled throughout the text (with a pronunciation guide at the end of the book and you can hear the Cherokee words pronounced in audio clips here) and we see how Cherokee people celebrate the passing of seasons.  Yet we also see how children teach each other new skills (something I don’t often see in WEIRD cultures!), men taking care of babies (I see this often in real life, but rarely as a random detail in a WEIRD children’s book!), and the planting of strawberries to remember a traditional story about cooperation.

And, one level deeper, we see the kinds of cognitive dissonance that is embedded in modern Native American life: they book’s characters collect plants to weave baskets as a reminder of their ancestors who walked the Trail of Tears – and two seasons later a relative is embraced as they head off to serve in the military of the very country that was enforced the Trail of Tears march.  These events are touched on lightly enough that you can decide how much additional information to provide to your child.  Age 3-8

Raccoon’s Last Race – Joseph Bruchak & James Bruchac (Abenaki) and Jose Aruego & Ariane Dewey

In Abenaki culture Azban the Racoon is a trickster (although never a malevolent one).  Rather than punishing children for misdeeds Abenaki parents prefer to tell stories about what kinds of mishaps can befall those who commit misdeeds and this book fits with that tradition.

Azban once had long legs and was the fastest of all the animals, but was also very boastful.  One day Azban challenges Big Rock to a race down the mountain, but falls in front of Big Rock and gets flattened.  Only the ants will agree to help Azban try to recover his former shape, but in his impatience Azban brushes them away without a ‘thanks’ before his legs are long again – leaving him a slower, and humbler, animal.  Age 2-5

The Water Walker – Joanne Robertson (AnishinaabeKwe)

This book requires a little more effort to connect with than the average children’s book – effort is ultimately richly rewarded.  I found the first few pages difficult to understand because unlike most books by Native authors, this one uses Ojibwe language in the text without translation or explanation on the same page (yes, Nokomis (Grandmother) and Nibi (Water) are both translated on the dust jacket which does appear before the first page, but I don’t always read the dust jackets first…).

One of the things I like most about this story is the way it connects traditional ideas and culture to present-day life and activism as Nokomis walks around the Great Lakes to draw attention to the need to protect our water sources.  Nokomis loves the water and is depicted paddling a traditional canoe – but the story is very much set in the present.  The wise leader uses a microphone to spread his message about the need to protect water; factories, power plants and pipelines threaten water supplies, and Nokomis lives in a very modern house.  Even as Nokomis’ sneakers connect her with her ancestors’ migrations, they also connect her with the children of today who will be able to put into context how many steps it takes to wear out one pair – never mind seven!

Nokomis sings thanks, respect and love to the water – but also gets three knee replacements to enable her to keep walking to bring attention to issues impacting water, and is equally at home using the internet to organize activists as in front of TV cameras.  The author shares enough details about the ceremonial aspects of the walk for the reader to understand that this was a different experience than the kind of walk that many people might undertake, yet keeps the details of these private – as they should remain.

At the end of the book the reader is challenged to think of ways that they will help to protect water – and an address is provided where they can mail letters telling about their work to Nokomis.  Age 4-8.

1621: A New Look at Thanksgiving – Catherine O’Neil Grace and Margaret M. Bruchac (Abenaki), with Plimoth Plantation

If you’ve only ever heard the “Native Americans sat down and had a nice meal with the Pilgrims” version of the Thanksgiving story then this book will be an eye-opener.  The book makes it clear that the Pilgrims didn’t even call themselves Pilgrims at the time, Native Americans were not a monolithic group (the settlers interacted primarily with members of the Wampanoag Nation), and what events really (most likely) happened at the time we now think of as the first thanksgiving.

Yet the book also glosses over a lot.  European people imposed “their culture, politics, and religion onto Native people” and the Native people have “persisted through plagues, war, and invasion,” but it seems like the word ‘genocide’ was just too difficult to include.  Even the United States government acknowledges the “official depredations, ill-conceived policies, and the breaking of covenants by the Federal Government regarding Indian tribes,” but voter suppression, denial of the rights of tribes to manage their own lands (by the Federal government, no less!), and the Federal government continues to weaken environmental regulations that protect land and water on which Native Americans depend are ongoing.  No, this book can’t cover everything – but it could make a better attempt to describe the scope of impact that White settlers had on Native people, and also acknowledge that they are still here and carrying forward cultural traditions in their modern lives.

This book is published by National Geographic which has now acknowledged the racist nature of its magazine coverage and while this book is a step in the right direction it’s far from perfect.  I include it here as an example of the way that even well-intentioned Whites’ descriptions of Native perspectives can leave readers with an incomplete picture – which can itself provide a useful conversation starter that supports the development of critical thinking.

The book is a bit long to read with younger children, but you might use the text as a jumping off point to discuss the images with them, even as you’ll need to provide additional detail not found in the book.

If you’d like to learn more about ways to celebrate Thanksgiving respectfully this year, please check out this post.

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I actually have never been furious like this with my 5-year-old daughter.  Don’t get me wrong; there are regular occasions when I’m really frustrated.  Just last night she was manipulating Daddy into tumble drying her Chickies (some old over-the-head infant towels that she claimed as lovies after we unearthed them last year to block the smoke from coming under the doors during the Camp Fire) before she would go to sleep.

He offered other stuffed toys, his favorite sweater, his favorite fluffy sweater; all were summarily rejected.  When he left the room to restart the dryer she turned to me with a glint in her eye and the upturned corners of Jack Nicholson’s Joker smile and whispered: “I’m making him do that.”

I was mildly amused myself until she announced that once the Chickies were ready for sleep, she wanted to repeat our nightly ritual of hiding from us in her bedroom before she would go to bed: any attempt to speed this process up by ‘searching’ in less than five potential locations before ‘finding’ her under the covers is met by tears and protestations that we “didn’t look in enough places.”

I told her firmly (unkindly?) that I didn’t appreciate being manipulated and that we were not going to search for her again, before leaving her room and closing the door.  Also firmly. (I don’t think it quite rose to the level of ‘slammed.’)

Stalling winds me up as well: the dramatic collapsing on the floor because she wants me to put her shoes on; the bowed-head, slumped-shouldered foot-dragging that results from an announcement that we do, in fact, have to walk one more block to the restaurant; the extra seconds playing with the toothpaste before opening her mouth to brush teeth that are seemingly precisely timed to poke me like a hot needle.

But my really special triggers are reserved for my husband.

When I was growing up my father used to lecture me on my shortcomings.  I no longer remember many of the specifics, but I do recall their frequency, and duration, and that I was not allowed to express an opinion.  And I clearly recall the shame.  I learned to tune out and go somewhere else in my mind, inserting minimally committal mumblings during gaps where it seemed like a response was required.

As an adult, I cannot stand to be interrupted.  I get that same white-hot anger that Minna Dubin feels toward her child, but it’s directed at my husband instead.

I’m trying to explain what the Post Office’s website says about his options for mailing a package as he interrupts me to ask…what the Post Office’s website says about his options for mailing a package.

“Don’t interrupt me!” I scream.  My daughter seems unperturbed.  She isn’t especially attuned to emotions.  She doesn’t notice if I’m distracted or sad or afraid.  The last time my husband and I had argued in front of her about something that doesn’t matter any more I slammed the lid of the bar-b-que in fury so hard that it put the flames out before she calmly observed: “Mama’s not very happy, is she?”

But a couple of weeks after the Package Incident we were in the car and she was describing something to me.  I thought she had finished speaking so I started to respond and she shouted “Don’t interrupt me!”

My husband gave me a side-long look and said “She is you…”.

It might seem like an obvious connection, but until then I didn’t realize that my childhood experiences had so profoundly shaped my parenting experiences.  You can actually hear me realize the connection between the childhood lectures and being interrupted as an adult live during a podcast interview with an expert on intergenerational trauma.

And this is what’s missing from Dubin’s piece: an understanding of where these triggers come from in the first place.  We’re not just angry with our child.  We’re not feeling uncontrollable rage because our child won’t get in the car; because they hit another child at school; because they’re ignoring us.

It’s not even about our child. 

It’s about the hurt that we felt as children when we weren’t allowed to assert our preferences; when we were shamed as we learned how to regulate our emotions; when we were ignored as we sought reassurance.

Kaiser Permanente surveyed 9,500 of its patients in and around San Diego, CA in the mid-90s about the traumas they had experienced in childhood, as well as their current health status.  More than half of the respondents reported exposure to traumatic experiences like psychological, physical, and sexual abuse; substance abuse, mental illness, criminal behavior in the household, and their mother having been treated violently.  A quarter reported exposure to two or more of these factors.  10% said they lived with a parent who would swear at them, insult them, or put them down.  19% said that an adult or other person at least five years older than them touched or fondled them in a sexual way.

People who had experienced four or more categories of exposure had a 1.4-1.6-fold increase in physical inactivity, a 2.4-fold increase in the prevalence of smoking and poor self-rated health, and a 4-12-fold increased risk for alcoholism, drug abuse, depression, and attempted suicide.

If you’d like to learn more about your own exposure to Adverse Childhood Experiences, you can take this survey.

There’s no competition for a high score; even a score of one is powerful.   And while being humiliated by a parent might seem like a ‘lesser’ trauma than being sexually abused, both represent a failure of what’s called the ‘attachment relationship’ between the parent and child which can harm the child’s developing sense of self.  (It’s also possible that your own parents experienced trauma which caused a ruptured attachment bond with you, which is a contributing factor to your own anger.)  And the researchers failed to examine stressors like systemic racism, homelessness, and being in the foster care system that disproportionately impact parents – and children – of non-dominant cultures that really should be reflected in the ACE scoring system.

I know I’m not the only one who struggles with this.  I see parents posting about it in online forums all the time.  Parents are frustrated; they’re angry; they want to know when their child will grow out of the behavior that they find triggering.  That’s why I created an online workshop – grounded in the latest research on the origins of trauma and the best tools we have to manage it – that helps parents to identify the true sources of their triggers, feel triggered less often, and manage their emotions on the fewer occasions when it does still occur.  So you can close a door firmly, rather than wanting to tear your house apart.

The bad news about intergenerational trauma is that if we don’t understand it, acknowledge it, and use the right tools to manage it, it is so easily transmitted to our children.

When we think back to our parents freaking out when we make a mess, and we see ourselves freaking out when our child tips allll of the Legos and crayons and stickers allll over the floor, and we see the fear and anger and shame in our child’s eyes as we shout at them to CLEAN IT UP NOW OR I’M GOING TO THROW ALL OF YOUR TOYS AWAY, it’s easy to see how these things get passed down.

But the good news is that there’s a lot you can do.

Recognizing that triggers lie within you – and not in your child’s behavior – is an enormous first step.  The next is to understand the true sources of these triggers, and to accept that our parents were doing the best job that they could in the face of the trauma that they had experienced.

Only then do tools to manage your emotions make sense.  And actually work.

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The biggest paradox with Black History Month is that it provides parents and educators with a convenient ‘teachable moment’ to help their children learn about slavery and the civil rights movement but then we abandon the concept again for another year, and usually fail to even mention the ongoing presence of both racial prejudice and structural racism in our society.

What we currently teach about race and racism is grossly inadequate:

• A parent in a Facebook group I’m in recently commented that for Martin Luther King, Jr. Day, her elementary schooler had learned that Black people had been oppressed but Dr. Martin Luther King made a speech and Rosa Parks sat at the front of a bus and the child was left with the impression that structural racism is no longer an issue in American society because everything had been fixed;

• The view of Black history that the White establishment teaches is highly problematic at best and at worst it continues to promote systemic racism. Think that Lincoln abolished slavery because he thought it was immoral?  In short, Lincoln said that “I am not, nor have ever been in favor of bringing about in any way the social and political equality of the white and black races” (it really is worth reading a slightly longer excerpt of this speech to see how he joked about equality and that just “because I do not want a Negro woman for a slave, I must necessarily want her for a wife [Cheers and laughter]”). Lincoln thought slaves shouldn’t have to work for others (although he didn’t believe they should have full civil rights), but he wanted above all else to save the Union, and actually blamed people of African descent for fomenting the crisis between slave-holding and Northern states as he asked them all to move to Panama: “You and we are different races. We have between us a broader difference than exists between almost any other two races. Whether it is right or wrong I need not discuss, but this physical difference is a great disadvantage to us both, as I think your race suffer very greatly, many of them by living among us, while ours suffer from your presence.  If this is admitted, it affords a reason at least why we should be separated.”  This idea that “President Lincoln thought that all American people should be free…Abraham Lincoln wanted to set the slaves free” (without clarifying that Lincoln didn’t really mean “free” in the way we might think of it: with all of the rights of citizenship) and many other historical inaccuracies (like the Emancipation Proclamation occurring before the Civil War!) permeate the kinds of trade paperbacks that elementary school teachers use as an escape from the dry prose of textbooks.  And if all the slaves are free now, doesn’t that mean that everyone is equal and no person has any advantage over any other?

• We might think that the inclusion of texts by Black authors and study of Black leaders is a positive step, but the Whites who create school curricula are either willfully ignorant about the history their own textbooks describe or deliberately choose to present a biased view. (The process of textbook adoption in the U.S. doesn’t help, whereby a 15-member panel in Texas essentially approves the majority of textbooks used in the entire country and routinely selects textbooks with information that is biased or just plain wrong.)  This is how we end up with textbooks that present slaves as immigrant workers, and resources from textbook company Scholastic suggesting students celebrate Black History Month using “math to determine how many meters per second [Jesse Owens] ran during his gold-medal races” and bake sesame seed cookies because “In Africa, sesame seeds bring good luck” – technically including African Americans in this curriculum but failing to address any issues of value related to prejudice or racism.  Even worse, the website suggests that teachers “have students study an African American historical figure, then dress up as their subject” without warning about the inappropriateness of blackface, which continues to be a problem in colleges, high schools, junior high schools, and even elementary schools across the country.  While state academic standards now devote considerable space to African Americans during the formation of the United States, African American narratives are presented in a way that helps students to avoid thinking critically about racial tension or systemic racism and also fail at conveying factual accuracy: only 8% of American high school seniors can accurately identify slavery as a cause of the Civil War.  (Unfortunately there are few comprehensive online resources that can help you to understand these issues, but this book is pretty easy to read and discusses the myths around Lincoln’s image.)

Around 80% of teachers in the U.S. are White, and many of them feel highly uncomfortable discussing race with students (so if your child’s teacher is making an effort to do this, please support them by letting them know you appreciate their work and continuing the conversation at home!).  Many teachers attempt to avoid the discomfort of an actual conversation by using classroom simulations of racist situations.  While there’s a dearth of actual evidence on their effectiveness several groups warn against these because they perpetuate stereotypes, oversimplify history, and leave students with the impression that the problem has been solved when in fact racism still today causes disparities in health and wealth, experiences with the justice system, and access to credit and housing.

Parents who want their children to understand the implications of prejudice and structural racism cannot rely on schools, textbooks, and teachers.  We must take on some of this responsibility ourselves.

Here are six ideas to get you started:

1. Learn about the difference between racial prejudice and racism. They are not the same, and discussing issues related to prejudice and racism does not make you racist.  In fact, not talking about race (aka the “colorblind approach”) is one of the most effective ways to raise a child who is prejudiced and perpetuates racist societal structures (you will see from that episode title that my own learning on prejudice and racism has evolved over the last couple of years!);

2. Read Carol Anderson’s book White Rage, which is where I first learned about many of the ideas in this article. (Unless you already knew that Lincoln didn’t care about freeing the slaves, or that newly-freed Blacks in the South were required to sign annual labor contracts with plantation, mill, or mine owners and would be whipped and sold into slavery if they left this “job” – in other words, they were “slaves in everything but name,” – and that white liberals are hardly free of either racially prejudiced ideas or innocent of perpetuating racist systems.)

3. Read books with your child about children of many races, not just white children (which is admittedly made more difficult because only 12% of children’s books published in the U.S. are about people of color – although at least this is better than the 1% in the U.K. market!).  But do pre-read books before you share them with your child, and be alert for microaggressions in the text (this article contains a very helpful list of things to watch out for; one simple shortcut is to check whether a book about children or people of color is written by an author of color).  If you find microaggressions, consider reading the book with your child anyway and making a point to discuss them.  There are some good lists of books to consider here and here.

4. Answer your child’s questions honestly and completely, using age-appropriate language and ideas. If your child asks about issues related to race, don’t ignore them or change the subject.  If you can’t think of the right words in the moment, use the technique that sex educator Saleema Noon suggests when children ask about sex: “I’m so glad you came to me with that question because I think it’s really important that we talk about it.  I need a bit of time to think about how to explain it to you.  Let’s chat after school, OK?” Then make sure to come back to it, or the child learns that the topic is something that shouldn’t be discussed.

5. By all means, teach about Black history during Black History Month. Teach about slavery and civil rights – but don’t leave out the fact that the struggle against the oppression of Blacks specifically and members of non-dominant cultures more generally by Whites – even those whites who ‘aren’t prejudiced’ but nevertheless benefit from racist system – is still very real today.  Teach that Black History does not begin with slavery and end with the Civil Rights movement: advanced, rich, and vibrant cultures existed in Africa before slavery and Black culture today is both distinct from American culture and makes large contributions to it.  Teach your child to be an ally for members of non-dominant cultures: there are lots of resources for learning how to do this here and here (and books for children here and here), and moving even beyond allyship to becoming a “co-conspirator” here.

6. Be an anti-racist role model. Accept that racism is not something that poor, uneducated people do: it’s a system in which you and I participate.  We must educate ourselves and our children, but we also can’t stop there.  We must be willing to call out prejudice where we see it.  We must be willing to look for racist systems in which we participate in our daily lives and do what we can to change them (we’ll have lots of information coming up in podcast episodes soon on how to do this).

You can learn more about these topics through a series of podcast episodes that I’m running right now.  I’ve already released a conversation with Dr. Margaret Hagerman, author of White Kids: Growing Up with Privilege in a Racially Divided America, on the topic of white privilege in parenting. Up soon will be an interview with Dr. Allison Roda, author of Inequality in Gifted and Talented Programs: Parental Choices about Status, School Opportunity, and Second-Generation Segregation on white privilege in schools.  Then we’ll talk with the renowned educator on race relations in the U.S. and author of Why Are All the Black Kids Sitting Together in the Cafeteria?: And Other Conversations About Race, Dr. Beverly Daniel Tatum, and we’ll conclude the series by asking Dr. John Bickford about what children learn about race and racism in schools, and what needs to be our role in this process.

Click here to listen to the first episode in the series and subscribe (it’s free!) to make sure you catch the rest, then join us in the Your Parenting Mojo Facebook group to continue the conversation (just search for the #whiteprivilege thread).

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Dressing up in costumes can be fun at Halloween, but then you have to deal with the negotiations over how much candy is too much candy.

Our children receive gifts on their birthdays, but then we’re embarrassed when they refuse to thank the gift-givers.

And on Valentine’s Day we arm them with cards for the entire class, but when they return from school either they didn’t get as many valentines as everyone else or the one child they hoped to particularly impress spurned their offering, leaving us with tears and echoes of the disappointment and rejection we felt as children when the same thing happened to us.

A brief history of Valentine’s Day

While it might seem obvious that the day celebrates the life of St. Valentine, the real origins of the celebration are actually quite murky and likely lie in a pagan Roman purification and fertility ceremony.  It’s possible that a Roman emperor wanted single men who would fight in an army outlawed marriage and that a priest named Valentine continued to perform marriage ceremonies anyway.  Dozens of Christians named Valentine were martyred and became saints in the early church, and two priests named Valentine were reportedly both executed on February 14th sometime in the third century.  Later, the Church converted the pagan festival into a Christian holiday to make conversion to Christianity more palatable.

It was the poet Chaucer who provided the first written record of coupling Valentine’s Day with romanticism:

“For this was on seynt Valentynes day,

When every foul cometh there to chese his make.”

Many other poets and playwrights continued in this vein over the years and St. Valentine was transformed from an intermediary between humanity and God to one between lovers.  By the 17^th century, the meaning of the word “valentine” had shifted to becoming a person or relationship: in Britain, young people would draw lots to gain some hint of their future marital fortune, and would refer to their suitor as a “valentine.”  In the 19th century the meaning had shifted again and was most often used to refer to the fancy lace-paper card which a young person would buy and send to their valentine.

The commercialization of these cards actually originated in Britain but quickly made the leap to the colonies, with a Boston newspaper from 1845 noting that merchants had been reminding consumers of the upcoming holiday for two weeks, and it wasn’t long before the holiday was extended for the entire month of February to allow for return valentines to be sent.  Marketers also expanded the groups of people who were eligible to receive a valentine: “Remember that Valentines are appropriate for brothers, sisters, relatives and friends, as well as for sweethearts and lovers.”

The 19^th century also marked the transformation of our view of children from contributors to the family income to an object of sentimental devotion, beginning the elevation of children’s needs above those of adults.  Cherubic youngsters pictured in juvenile valentines of the period mirrored the newly refashioned image of a cherubic Cupid – a far cry from the Roman God whose arrows were sharpened on a grindstone whetted with infants’ blood.

Even early on, Valentine’s Day had an insidious underside, with “attack valentines” depicting assertive women, flirts, and coquettes implying that the first wave of women seeking suffrage around this period were overstepping their bounds.  And one early observer of a valentine mill commented on the “disenchanting” and “dingy” sight of workers piecing together layers of lace and paper for eleven hours a day.

Today lovers are once again the primary focus of marketing related to Valentine’s Day, perhaps because a holiday geared toward a celebration of their relationship has the potential to generate more expensive purchases than one that is celebrated by everyone.  Children are the exception to this rule because it helps marketers to sell us more stuff as adults: many of us have memories of arts and crafts, candy, time off from school work (permitted due to the secular nature of the holiday) and an egalitarian exchange of sometimes handmade, but often purchased, cards – with thousands of designs available in handy class-sized quantities.  These fond memories set the stage for the heightened expectations of a lifetime of recognition, with many young women anticipating a shower of gifts and affection, and young men uncertain about how to meet these expectations (card?  Flowers?  Chocolates? Movies?  Dinner?  Do I really need to do more this year than I did last year?).

Many of the people that researchers surveyed said they exchange gifts because it is “the thing to do” or because the holiday is about “going to dinner and exchanging gifts”: far from representing an exchange of intimacy, the pressure is on men to make expensive purchases that function as a sexual lubricant.

Must we spend money to express love?

When we talk with children about holidays it’s tempting to try to go back to the source; to make the holiday about what it used to be about.  But with Valentine’s Day, does this mean we go back to just the simple exchange of cards from the 1800s?  Or the games to draw lots and test your luck in love of the 1500s?  Or the non-specific martyred saint(s?) of the third century?  Or we could just say “Valentine’s Day is about love” (which it sort of is…) and be done with it?

But if it’s really about love, why do we need to buy so much stuff?

In part, it’s the peer pressure: not giving a gift when everyone else does sends the signal that a relationship is not important or the desire to terminate that relationship.  We thus feel compelled to give gifts lest we send a message of hostility by not giving one.  We also have to give the right gift: perhaps the man doesn’t realize there’s something ‘off’ about gifting a woman an exercise tape until she gives him “sand gathered from the beach where they first said ‘I love you,’”  but he will pretty soon afterward and he won’t make the same mistake twice.

The average consumer will spend $143.56 on Valentine’s Day this year, with total spending expected to reach $19.6 billion.  “With the holidays behind them and the winter months dragging along, consumers are looking for something to celebrate this time of year” said National Retail Federation President and CEO Matthew Shay.  And, fortunately for those children not yet in romantic relationships, Prosper Executive Vice President of Strategy Phil Rist added “Valentine’s Day has become a holiday consumers take advantage of not only to spoil their loved ones but themselves.”

It’s helpful that the $19.6bn is very close to the $19bn that Facebook paid for WhatsApp, because a number of websites put together lists of what Facebook could have bought instead with that money.  Like an MMR vaccine for every child in the world.  Clean drinking water for every person on the planet would only have cost $10bn.

Let me be clear: I don’t think there’s anything wrong with going out to dinner or buying a box of chocolates every once in a while if in that moment it feels like these gifts express love to your partner.  But I do think there’s something wrong with teaching our children that gifts are the best way to express that love.

So what’s a parent to do?

If you celebrate…

If you decide to celebrate Valentine’s Day, talk with your child about what the day means to you personally.  Discuss the practice of giving cards and gifts, and ask if your child wants to participate.  Most schools have a ‘cards for everyone or cards for no-one’ policy so nobody feels left out, and if your child wants to celebrate a particularly special relationship with another child they should do this outside of school hours.

It may be confusing to children to give them a message that ‘we give gifts to people we love’ but then tell them they have to give valentines to everyone in their class.  You may want to frame valentines as something that are given out in the spirit of fairness (most children have some understanding of fairness at a relatively early age) rather than representing a true gift.

If your child chooses to give valentines, talk with them about the money spent on them and what it could be used for instead.  Consider cutting simple hearts out of paper you already have on-hand, which will make the process cheap and fast.

If you don’t celebrate…

Prepare your child for what will likely happen at school.  Even though schools may have rules about everyone giving cards in the younger grades these may be relaxed as children get older.  Not giving cards in the early years might be remembered and children may decline to send your child cards once this happens.

Discuss how your family shares that you love each other, and reiterate that you are confident that your child loves you even if they don’t give you a valentine.

You might suggest that they privately approach their special friends during the day with a message: “I’m so glad you’re my friend because…”.

Whether or not you celebrate at school or in your family…

Consider doing some good with the $143.46 you saved by not spending on themed gifts.  Maybe your family could use the money for a rainy day fund.  Or you could bring a home-cooked meal to a senior in your community who would enjoy some company.  Or give to a charity that is meaningful to you, your child, and your community.  A child who is old enough to understand valentines is also old enough to understand a conversation about what love is, how we express it, and how not everyone has the luxury of spending money on valentines.

My aim with this post is not to take all the joy out of Valentine’s Day.  If you do genuinely enjoy the occasion and celebrating it is important to you then there’s absolutely no harm in sharing this with your children.  I aim to encourage you to not just do Valentine’s Day because everyone else does it, but to approach the day with intention that reflects your values and parenting goals.

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Also, check out the recently released podcast episode that explains more on how researchers judge preschool quality (and its links to child outcomes)

It seems easy enough, right? It’s just preschool after all; does it really matter whether the child attends a Reggio Emilia, Montessori, or Waldorf-based program? But as I’ve learned since becoming a parent, seemingly small decisions seem to carry with them the weight of deciding what our values are as a family, and how both large and small decisions convey and pursue those family values. Preschool and childcare are certainly one of these crossroads. It’s where our children have their first relationships and experiences away from the cocoon of family and home.

I have a couple of favorite quotes that act as my North Star to guide my way when choosing a program:

“Let the child be the scriptwriter, the director and the actor in his own play” – Magda Gerber, founder of Resources for Infant Educarers (RIE)

“Our image of the child is rich in potential, strong, powerful, competent and most of all connected to adults and other children” – Loris Malaguzzi, one of the founders of the Reggio Emilia approach

In my extensive studies and practice in the classroom (I’ve been an educator for 12 years, have run my own preschool and have also been a preschool director), I have found that learning takes place:

1. when children feel secure and grounded in caring, respectful relationships with their teachers and peers;
2. when they have a predictable routines and consistent expectations; and
3. when the environment invites curiosity and guides their attention and behavior acting as a ‘third teacher.’

1. Respectful, responsive caregiving

Firm, loving limits, predictable and realistic expectations: young children thrive with predictability and firm boundaries, but lots of freedom and agency within those limits. Even newborns/young infants should be spoken to as whole competent people, and invited to participate and help themselves. Children really flourish when they feel known by their caregivers/teachers and when their teachers focus on what they CAN do, above what they can’t yet do.

Questions to ask:

• Do teachers tell children what they will do to them before or during caregiving routines, transitions and during play?
• What do teacher do and say when a child is struggling to get a play object out of reach of an infant?
• What do teachers do and say when two children want the same toy?
• What do teachers do and say when one child is having a long turn and doesn’t want to share?
• What do teachers do and say when a child has hurt another child or property?

What to look for on a tour and ask yourself after the tour:

• Look for “floor time” – when caregivers are on the floor with children observing or playing. Look for eye contact at or below child’s level when speaking. Look for caregivers talking to children as another human, announcing what will happen, giving children time to respond, and involving children.
• What are your impressions of the caregiver’s attitude, communication skills, management of difficult situations, etc.?
• Are the children treated with respect?
• What interventions did you see when children: cried, separated from family, were aggressive, got frustrated, and struggled during transitions?

2. Program Philosophy & Free Play

I think this is where families have to do some soul searching. There are many pedagogical philosophies that all have their merits, and at the end of the day much of the decision about which school to send your child to will come down to availability and logistics (cost, proximity to work and home, ages served, etc.) So I advise touring and “feeling” out preschools on a gut level; you have to choose a preschool that you can fit into your life without making yourself so stressed out with the commute or cost.

However, as you have heard on the Your Parenting Mojo podcast there is a lot of research that indicates that play in the early childhood settings is the best way for young children to learn – so my preference is always a program that has a healthy dose of free, uninterrupted play.

Many parents want to see teachers engaging, entertaining, and interacting constantly, but giving children time and space to explore, experiment, negotiate with peers, and lead their own play required teachers taking a more observational and quiet role that parents necessarily know to appreciate. Some things I personally look for are when teachers refrains from telling children to be careful or deliver quick, neat and tidy verdicts or solutions for children who are struggling. I would prefer to see teachers bring their calm attention and allow children freedom of movement, real choices, and time to learn how to negotiate social, physical and cognitive challenges mostly on their own so they can have their own sense of accomplishment, learn to assess risks, and appreciate that mistakes are a healthy part of learning.

Questions to ask:

• What is the curriculum/philosophy of the program?
• What chunks of time are children able to play uninterrupted? How do teachers engage children during play? Are there opportunities for observation/intentional selective (reduced) interventions?
• What is the stance on clean up, sharing, and discipline?

What to look for on a tour and ask yourself after the tour:

• What opportunities for real choice do children have?
• Are children allowed to select their own play objects and can they play as long as they like with those objects?
• How many transitions and adult-directed activities are there?

3. Rhythm of the Day

As most parents can understand, transitions are some of the most conflict-ridden and difficult times to navigate. Simplicity, having a child-paced (slow) rhythm, and lots of predictability in routines help to smooth out the day. Many parents wonder how teachers can get a room full of kids to participate cooperatively in clean up, setting tables, bussing their own meals, and go willingly to the toilet at school. It almost never looks like a well-choreographed ballet in the classroom, but quality programs have spent time building classroom rhythms, routines and rituals so that children know what is expected and that they are valued, needed members of the community.

Their schedule may seem boring to adults, but I can tell you the children in my program felt great comfort, excitement, and confidence the more routine our days and weeks were. For example, we always gardened on Tuesday in preparation for the children cooking soup on Wednesday morning, to have soup and bread for lunch. We sang the same songs at clean up and focused on it as not just a time to rush through, but a meaningful time full of learning and community building.

Questions to ask:

• What is the schedule/rhythm of the day? What rituals are there for greeting, clean up, eating, sleeping, etc?
• What happens when a child is not done with something they are working on but it is time for a transition?
• How much time do they get to spend outside? How many children are outside at once? What do they do outside?

What to look for on a tour and ask yourself after the tour:

• Do the children seem engaged in play independently and cooperatively?

4. Environment as a Third Teacher

The environment of an early childhood program can help or hinder children’s and teachers’ experiences. Well-designed environments invite and direct children’s attention, reduce conflict, and “tell” children how many people can be in a given area at one time. Environments should be filled with passive (not battery operated), open-ended play objects, materials accessible to children without adult help, limit overstimulation (neutral colors, sound reducing, clutter free), and be developmentally appropriate. Program environments for toddlers and preschoolers typically have defined areas such as dramatic play, library, quiet area, sensory/art/science, gross motor, construction, group/open space. Classrooms and outdoor areas should be safe, yet challenging.

Questions to ask:

• Tell me about how children interact in each of the classroom areas? How many kids tend to play there? How do they interact with the materials, each other and the teachers?
• What ways do teachers encourage play?

What to look for on a tour and ask yourself after the tour:

• If you were your child over the next two to three years would you want to spend large amounts of time in this environment?
• Is it safe, yet challenging?
• Does it focus children’s attention and invite them to explore?

5. Continuity of Care

Two structural mechanism that helps teachers/caregivers deeply know children in the program is a commitment to continuity of care and primary care assignments. Even if they don’t use these terms, continuity of care means having the same caregivers/teacher and children together for as long as possibly, ideally 3 years. And primary caregiving means that caregivers/teachers are assigned a cohort of children that they develop a deeper bond with and they have primary responsibility over doing routine caregiving such as meal times, potty/diapering, sleep, and separation. My preference is to have my kids in programs that are mixed-age or where a teacher loops and moves with them from room to room with the same cohort of kids. Many schools have children move to a new classroom and teacher when they reach certain ages, but for young children learning is optimal in a setting when children feel securely attached to significant adults.

Questions to ask:

• How long have your teachers been in your center/childcare?
• How long will children stay with each caregiver/teacher?
• When will they switch rooms? When they do, do the children and teachers stay together?

What to look for on a tour and ask yourself after the tour:

• Does this setting (teacher + environment) seem to meet the needs of my child for 2 to 3 years?
• Does this setting meet our family’s logistical needs/situation for 2-3 years – price, location, commute?

6. Relationship-building care

When programs use primary caregiving a natural result is a focus on each child as a unique individual. It takes observation and time for a teacher to know a child and develop a trusting relationship. Following children’s unique rhythms and styles promotes well-being and a healthy sense of self. When a child feels understood they experience less stress, remain self-regulated, and use cues that are subtle rather than exaggerated to get the caregivers attention. When they feel secure in the relationships they can now go onto tackle larger cognitive, social, and physical challenges. When caregivers focus on an individual child they often feel more connected and rewarded in their work.

Questions to ask:

• Do the teachers/caregivers have assigned children that they care for during routine caregiving (eating/feeding, sleeping, diapering, toileting, getting dressed, greeting/separation, soothing)?
• How many caregivers are assigned to each child?

What to look for on a tour and ask yourself after the tour:

• How many adults interact with the child to perform routine caregiving?
• Do the children know which teacher to go to for help? Do they get passed around from adult to adult?

7. Small Groups and low ratios

Small group size and good child:teacher ratios tend key components of quality care (although the other factors in this article may be at least as important). The Program for Infant/Toddler Care recommends primary care ratios of one teacher to every three or four children, in groups of 6-12 children, depending on the age. The guiding principle is: the younger the child, the smaller the group. Small groups facilitate the provision of personalized care that infants and toddlers need, supporting peaceful exchanges, freedom and safety to move and explore, and the development of intimate relationships. For older children (3-6 years old), a group of four to eight children per teacher can work well. The total group size that works for your child will depend largely on your child’s temperament, their (over)stimulation in a large, noisy, busy environment and the design of the environment. For example, most co-ops have a large groups with many adults and children. This may work well for some children (and adults) and not so well for others.

Personally, I chose a smaller home-based 12-child Waldorf preschool for my daughter who I felt thrived in a smaller, less noisy, more intimate and predictable setting. She cares deeply about forming relationships, telling stories, being heard and has some sensitivities to loud noises and being “too close” to too many people. For my son, who loves loud noises, hustle and bustle, and prefers anyone who will play with him while digging holes and playing trucks, we’re starting him in a large co-op soon with around 35 children, 5 teachers and 5 parents in the room at one time.

Questions to ask:

• How many children and adults are in the room at one time? What ages are enrolled and how are they grouped by primary care group or room?
• How do the teachers communicate about their charges in between shifts?

What to look for on a tour and ask yourself after the tour:

• If many children and adults are in one room, what efforts (physical environment, time usage, or are taken to reduce overstimulation and create a sense of intimacy and small groups?
• Do teachers spend a lot of time talking to each other? Or do they spend more time observing children and interacting/responding to children?

8. Family-Focused Care

A strong, collaborative, respectful relationship between caregivers and parents is extremely important for children, especially in their earliest years. Parents should generally be seen as the experts on their child. Parents and caregivers can share insights and observations, struggles and exciting developments. It’s important to choose a caregiver that you can trust to be honest, communicate with about the good and bad, and work together with to problem solve. Caregivers and parents should see each other as partners!

Questions to ask:

• Are you welcome to drop in at any time?
• How and when do they communicate with parents?
• What do they do when a child is injured (large or small) at school?

What to look for on a tour and ask yourself after the tour:

• Do caregivers respect the language, culture and values of families in the program?

Some advice about getting into childcare in places where there are more children than childcare spaces
It is much easier to get children into childcare / preschool after 24 months of age, due to licensing rules about ratios based on age. In general, it is easiest to get into childcare around August because that is when children graduate on to preschool or if you are flexible and can take immediate openings mid-year.

And lastly, don’t give in to the total panic all around you among parents making this decision. Most children adapt well to preschool within a month, and if the transition is difficult most teachers and administrators will be happy to work with you. Ultimately this doesn’t have to be a one-and-done decision: some parents do end up moving their child to another setting and find a better fit – and the child is no worse for wear.

About Evelyn

Evelyn has a Masters in Education, several teaching credentials, served as the director of a large alternative private school, ran her own family childcare at her home in San Francisco, and has mentored many new childcare directors through Wonderschool.

She lives with her family in San Francisco, teaches parent-child classes, and trains nannies and teachers virtually and in person in groups and individually.

As a reminder, you can download the checklist to take with you on preschool tours that summarizes this blog post by entering your name and email address at the bottom of the page.

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Why is that?

Perhaps, we think, if we get our own stuff figured out an improved family life will follow. Or perhaps we don’t see family life as an area where we should set goals. Or maybe we just don’t know how to set goals for our family life?

All these thoughts are valid, but so is the research that supports goal setting. In fact, some psychologists think that the process of setting the goal and working toward it is just as important as achieving the aim.

Three reasons to set goals

The anthropological and psychological research on this topic suggests three main reasons to set family goals:

• Many of us are raising children away from our own families. As a result, we are missing the cultural and historical context that informed family life in past generations. Think: we are the Smiths, we are cobblers.  Alternatively, some of don’t agree with the messages our family or culture sends or discover that scientific evidence tells us these messages do not support raising our children in the way we want. Note: I have discovered such messages in every one of the almost 80+ podcast episodes I’ve recorded, including telling girls they’re pretty doesn’t support their body image, granting dessert in exchange for eating vegetables helps a child to learn how to eat a balanced diet, improving a child’s self-esteem will help to improve their life outcomes…

• Having a sense of direction in life is a key indicator of psychological and social well-being. According to the body of research, having a plan and working toward a goal are generally more important than actually reaching the goal. Family dynamics being what they are, you may find that the original goal isn’t achievable or doesn’t fit your family after all, but the act of goal setting is valuable progress in itself.

• Having parenting goals does impact parent’s behavior and thus children’s outcomes. One study found that parents who said they valued long-term academic goals talked more on academic topics with their children; another study of Central American parents found that mothers’ goals explained 29% of the variance in children’s scores on a measure of social cooperation and 18% of the variance in children’s scores on a measure of their ability to learn in school.

Convinced? Now what?

How to set family goals

• Have a conversation. Discuss your values with your partner (if you have one, or perhaps work with a friend if you don’t).  What kinds of qualities do each of you hope to imbue in your child?  What kind of adult do each of you hope they’ll grow up to be.

• Hold a family meeting (if appropriate for your family).  Ask your child(ren) to contribute ideas about the kinds of values that are important to your family (e.g., community service, kindness, the value you put on learning new things…).  Write them all down and work together to refine them. *Remember, there are not right answers, just what’s right for your family.

• Think about where and with whom your child spends their time.  Are they spending it in ways and with people that support these values and qualities?  For example, if you want your son to grow up being comfortable expressing all of his emotions but his caregiver tells him “boys don’t cry,” then you may not achieve your aim.  If community service is important but you don’t make the time to volunteer or include your child in charitable giving, your child is not likely to take on this value.  In what ways could you make adjustments to help you work toward your goals?

• Think about the ways you interact with your child related to your goals. Are your interactions aligned with your goals?  For example, if you would like to raise a child who is independent, but you step in and ‘help’ your child every time they struggle, your interactions may not support your child in achieving that goal.  How could you shift your interactions?

• Print out your goals and display them prominently. This will remind your family of what you mutually decided was important to you.

Don’t feel as though you need to get the goals 100% right and carve them in stone on the first go-around. Your priorities might change. You might refine your ideas and update some of the goals.  As long as you’re not making a 180 degree shift, the work you’ve done on the old goal still has value.

Conversation starter cards to uncover values and support cognitive development

One tool that you can use to uncover your family’s values is a set of conversation starter cards.

While you can purchase these in many places, the majority of these sets ask questions like “what is your favorite movie?,” a question with a single answer that makes it difficult to “strive for five” (five conversational turns, which supports your child’s language development through a high quality conversation).

I’ve developed a unique set of conversation starter cards based on the thousands of books and peer-reviewed articles that I’ve read to help you have exactly these kinds of meaningful conversations. They contain questions like “Is it ever right to tell a fib?” that both young children and adults can answer (and debate!), and that will both support and reveal your child’s cognitive and social development as they grow.

Click here to learn more about the cards.

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Only a few generations ago, it made sense to ignore expert parenting advice. Most of it was nonsense.

In the early 20th century, parents were instructed by books and manuals to always keep their childrens’ heads pointed north, so as to somehow be in line with electrical currents traveling the globe.

Pregnant mothers were told to “avoid thinking of ugly people,” because their thoughts might somehow transform the appearance of the child.

On the advice of experts, parents fed their children kerosene and turpentine to cure croup and the common cold.

That wasn’t that long ago. There are still nearly half a million people alive today who were alive then (although they probably weren’t the kids drinking fuel oils and volatile solvents). But we’ve surely come a long way since then in terms of scientific standards, and the ability for anyone to quickly research and fact check information themselves.

Nevertheless, a long history of misguided recommendations and misleading media has created the perception that “parenting expert” is an utter misnomer. Again and again, supposedly professional advice on how to raise children has done nothing but lead parents astray, chasing dubious trends only to be turned 180 degrees a short while later.

“America’s parenting experts, in short, have fared no better or worse than the rest of us in the quest for calm consistency in child-rearing technique and theory,” writes Ann Hulbert in “Raising America: Experts, Parents, and a Century of Advice About Children.” “The story of the popular advisers’ search for clarity about children and for authority with mothers is marked by controversies, contradictions, and unintended consequences. Among the most ironic of those consequences has been to leave parents, teachers, policymakers, ministers and the media – to say nothing of the experts themselves – convinced that expert counsel is precisely what it was not supposed to be: constantly shifting and conflicting, throwing both grown people and children here and there like balls.”

Today, everyone knows someone, a friend, family member or coworker, who has said something along these lines: “I don’t listen to any of that expert advice. What’s the point? It changes all the time anyway.”

That attitude may be causing many parents to throw out their babies with the bathwater, so to speak. Recommendations for raising children do change often, but there are many legitimate, reasonable reasons that recommendations evolve. It’s not just haphazard and reckless.

The problem is, researchers and authorities often take for granted, or don’t appreciate the importance of, parents understanding the full context of why recommendations are made, and why they change. Breaking this down can help make what looks like nonsense start to make a lot more sense.

Why the science changes

First things first: science itself has changed dramatically in the very recent past. If it seems like researchers can’t make up their minds, a major reason is because modern standards have only recently evolved.

In the 1960s and ‘70s, when modern psychological studies were beginning to take off, the characteristics of a “good” study were much different than they are today. Consider Mischel & Ebbesen’s 1970 study, which, along with a series of similar experiments, became known as the “Marshmallow Test.” The researchers put two tiny cookies or pieces of pretzel (or sometimes marshmallows) in front of a child, asked the child to indicate their favorite, and then said “you can eat all of the [non-preferred snack] if you like, but I have to leave the room now and if you can wait until I come back, you can have the [preferred snack].” Then they timed how long the child was willing to wait to get the preferred snack.

The problems with this study are many, so we will list only some of them here:

• The study participants were 32 children – a tiny sample size by any definition.
• These children were what is called a “convenience sample” – the researchers worked at Stanford University, and the children all attended Stanford’s Bing Nursery School, and were thus the children of Stanford professors and graduate students – hardly racially or economically representative of the broader population.
• The age range of the children studied was quite large: 3 years, 6 months to 5 years, 8 months. A massive amount of cognitive development occurs in those two years that could have impacted the results; no analysis was conducted on this factor.
• Subsequent researchers found that a shift in the way the rewards are presented can impact the results: if one sticker is presented as the immediate reward, and then four others are added to the same pool to identify the delayed reward, 3-year-old children actually outperformed 4-year-old children on their desire to wait for five stickers instead of take one now. This means that apparent changes in cognitive processes may just be an artifact of the study design, an impact that was not considered by Mischel & Ebbesen.
• While we do still use laboratory-based experiments to try to understand behavior, it is possible that what we learn may not have “ecological validity” – in other words, people might behave differently in real life. Professor Angela Duckworth found that the ability to wait for sticker rewards in the lab were only weakly related to children’s performance in real-life delays.

We say all that not to pick on that particular study, but just to highlight that even this widely referenced research has some obvious flaws from today’s perspective. Today, there’s a greater focus in the scientific community to eliminate, or at least account for, these issues.

Then again, it’s not as if experiments done today can be executed flawlessly in every case.

In an ideal world, we might start by developing a hypothesis that we could test in the lab. If it works, we could apply it in naturalistic settings, and test if it works again. Then we could further test to see whether the effect holds over a period longer than the few weeks that typical studies normally run.

In reality, a variety of factors confound the goal to see whether an intervention really works.

For example, let’s say an early-career professor is interested in asking The Big Questions, but might only be able to get funding to study a very small, limited question. They might want to study a large, nationally-representative sample but the majority of parents and schools who signed up to participate in experiments at their institution are middle class and white. They still might want to claim they answered a Big Question, and those findings might be hailed as successful in secondary sources, but it isn’t until years later that further analysis finds those findings unconvincing.

“Too often, intervention studies are characterized by very small experimental samples, the lack of control groups, and the absence of appropriate statistical tests for whether attitude changes occur,” one meta-analysis found, in examining years of research on programs meant to counter racism in children. “Furthermore, when well-documented evidence of attitude change is presented, intervention effects are weak at best.”

This problem is compounded when we consider that journals want to publish new, exciting findings, which leaves us with a significant publication bias. That means that researchers finding “no effect” typically can’t get their study published, so following analyses may falsely conclude that most interventions do actually produce the desired outcomes when more often than not, they don’t.

Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on your perspective), scientific findings do get reversed, in many different disciplines. Dr. Vinay Prasad and his colleagues conducted an analysis of around 1,300 articles in the New England Journal of Medicine and found that 77% of the articles discussing some kind of new treatment or therapy found that the new way was better. But 40% of the 360 articles that looked at something doctors were already doing found that the current practice was contradicted. (The study is behind a paywall but Dr. Prasad discusses his results in this short video.)

Dr. Prasad has argued elsewhere that we can reduce the number of reversals by conducting randomized controlled trials on new technologies and procedures before performing them routinely at scale. Randomized controlled trials are the gold standard in psychology research as well, with the added complications that we would need long-term studies that help us to understand whether an intervention holds over time and or washes out eventually, as well as whether an effect size is small but cheap to implement and thus interesting in spite of the small effect size (as may be the case regarding the impact of fantasy play on children’s executive function).

A true long-term study may take decades. But we honestly haven’t even been studying these issues with consistent rigor, for that long. Looked at this way, it’s completely expected that the science will change, for a long time to come.

Why the recommendations change … even if the science doesn’t

So, there aren’t nearly as many definitive answers as parents might think, and even some really solid work can be legitimately overturned over time. That’s merely the scientific method in action. But it’s still tempting to think that once we get good science, we’ll finally have everything we need.

Unfortunately, communication is a further fundamental problem that often makes parents more confused than they should be. Just like all science isn’t equal – there is proper science and junk – the same goes for how information is spread by different sources. There are some sources that offer honest, accurate and thorough information, and many others that are misleading, careless and generally unreliable.

These lesser sources are highly motivated to make it seem like their messages are new, different, and more important than anything else out there. Just like academic journals, even respected media outlets are essentially biased toward anything new – it’s called the news, after all – so anything that isn’t somehow surprising doesn’t become a story. As it relates to research and ideas about raising children, this creates the impression that it’s changing all the time, when in reality the large majority of reality hasn’t changed at all.

The problems with the parenting media alone take up a lengthy article. The problems with marketing targeted at parents take up a book. Suffice it to say here that parents should not take mainstream news and advertising at face value, and instead seek out high-quality sources of parenting information.

It’s tempting to instead simply say that you should talk to your doctor, but doctors often simply regurgitate recommendations from health authorities, and that advice can come with a number of caveats as well. That’s because, even if you have lots of good science to use, good science rarely leads to actionable, everlasting answers for everyone in the world. Society is always changing, and it’s not easy to offer simple, universal answers for an incredibly diverse populace.

For one, consistent answers require consistent questions, but there is an unfortunate discrepancy in the types of questions parents want answers to, and the ways science can provide these answers.

One of the most common parenting questions is “what’s the best way to get a child to sleep?,” but sleep is incredibly culturally and individually specific. It’s a simple question, but answering it at any large scale is incredibly complicated. Recommendations may change dramatically from place to place and time to time.

For instance, much of modern parenting advice on this topic revolves around getting a child to sleep on their own, but children have slept close to their parents for thousands of years. For most of human history, this would be a strange question. It’s still strange based on where you live. When told that German babies commonly sleep alone, a group of Nso mothers in Cameroon decried this arrangement as a form of maltreatment that would need immediate action, like sending a Nso woman to Germany to teach German mothers how to care for babies.

So what’s an authority to do? Often, they make educated guesses. In lieu of precise answers to specific questions, they extrapolate from what from what they do know to apply guidance to a wide range of questions that often don’t perfectly align with what experimenters have examined.

For instance, you may have heard your doctor recommend that, in order to encourage good sleep habits, you should ideally put your child down in their crib while they’re drowsy, but not fully asleep. The idea is that this will teach them to go to sleep on their own. But this specific recommendation is mostly based on opinion, not purely data.

“If you talk to specialists who see 12-, 15-, 18-month-olds with sleep problems … there is a huge overrepresentation of babies who never were given the chance to be put down on their own. Is that evidence? Well, sort of,” Dr. Joseph Hagan, an editor of the American Academy of Pediatrics’ (AAP) guidelines on sleep, was quoted in Slate.

Essentially, the AAP is trying to give parents answers to their questions, in lieu of having definitive proof. When science becomes clearer, those answers may change, because they weren’t ironclad to begin with. But parents don’t always realize the recommendations they get from doctors, which are based on guidelines from groups like the AAP, aren’t always set in stone.

Peanut butter is one famous recent example in which authorities seemed to abruptly change their recommendations in a relatively short span of time. In 2000, the AAP recommended that any children under age 3 avoid peanut butter, for fear of peanut allergies. Subsequent research suggested this was exactly the wrong direction – children who ate peanut butter more often actually had lower instances of peanut allergies – so the AAP reversed itself in 2008. Today, authorities state that introducing potential allergens like peanut butter can potentially be a good thing, but the science is continuing to evolve, and so will recommendations.

In other cases, recommendations change not because science has changed, but because of how parents reacted to the original recommendations, and how people in general are changing habits.

Take screen time. Before 2016, the AAP once offered straightforward limits: kids under age 2 should avoid screens of all kinds. Some parents liked that simplicity, but otherwise were confused. Did that apply to every type of screen? Even FaceTiming with a grandparent, or watching an educational show on a long car ride?

Now, the AAP has a more nuanced approach, acknowledging that hardly anyone seemed to be following the previous recommendations in our increasingly connected world.

“By moving away from the finger-wagging and diving deep into the shades of gray, the recommendations put more onus onto parents to decide what’s best for their families,” Laura Sanders summarized in the Growth Curve section of Science News.

That entire dynamic makes parenting recommendations an art as much as a science. And when you’re dealing with art, all kinds of preferences and biases come into play.

The AAP tends to be risk averse. For example, the AAP’s latest guidance on Safe Infant Sleeping Environments finally acknowledges that co-sleeping does happen, but implies that it only happens accidentally, and recommends that “if the parent falls asleep while feeding the infant in bed, the infant should be placed back on a separate sleep surface as soon as the parent awakens.”

A more nuanced look at this information would acknowledge that co-sleeping is a lot less dangerous in countries where everyone in the family sleeps on hard beds with light coverings or no coverings at all, and that when practiced safely, co-sleeping is unlikely to increase the risk of SIDS. Instead, the AAP’s “reduce risk at all costs” gets translated into advertising campaigns likening co-sleeping to putting your baby to bed with a cleaver.

But even if health authorities and scientists have nuanced recommendations, that all goes out the window in the hands of lawmakers and administrators. Elected officials and leaders of all kinds often awkwardly apply science in ways it wasn’t intended, leading parents to blame the science itself.

Take, for example, Dr. Carol Dweck’s work on Growth Mindset – the idea that you can improve your intelligence and skills through hard work, rather than accepting that these are fixed abilities. Schools in California are piloting a program to evaluate teachers and schools on their students’ growth mindset, despite Dr. Dweck’s insistence that this is not an appropriate use of the concept. One Master’s student describes how these programs are sometimes implemented: administrators describe the new strategies that teachers must use, with no opportunity for discussion, one week before classes were scheduled to begin, when teachers had already planned their work for the semester, with no support to integrate the new curriculum and the one teachers had already developed. All this, when the research points toward growth mindset being a useful tool for some children, but that implementing this on a large scale by teachers in classrooms is extremely problematic.

Understanding all the dynamics at work in these situations is often far too much for a normal parent to wrap their mind around.

What can parents do in the face of all this change?

So, science changes, society changes, authorities change the philosophy behind their recommendations, and dubious experts and uncareful decision-makers distort recommendations. How are parents supposed to keep track of all this?

Well, we won’t prevent all reversals of advice related to child psychology and parenting. There simply aren’t enough organizations willing to fund the type of long-term, randomized controlled trials it would take to be sure that an intervention “worked” for us to do this for every topic we want to understand. Even if we could, we wouldn’t want to wait the extra decade or two it would take to do these studies before trying to implement the results.

And in the time we were waiting, our culture would likely have shifted in that time anyway – much as we are now shifting away from the overparenting of children (which can cause higher levels of depression and less satisfaction with life in college students) and (slowly) toward an increased acceptance of risky play.

Your best bet are sources that tell you how they judge the quality of their sources, so you can judge for yourself whether you agree with these criteria. Both the Your Parenting Mojo podcast and Parentifact website tell you about small sample sizes, samples that are not representative of the general population, and implicit biases in the way questions are asked or instructions are framed that could impact the validity or applicability of the results in the work we cite. Not many sources will do this for you – mainly because it takes so long to go back to the original sources and check through them individually.

It’s also generally helpful to recognize that there are so many variables influencing a child’s outcomes that it is highly unlikely that any single one of them alone will have a meaningful impact – from predetermined genetic factors through micro-scale factors like the amount of money your family earns and whether your neighborhood is safe to macro-scale factors like national policies on maternity leave and free childcare to psychological interventions related to growth mindset, grit, and the ability to delay gratification – all of these have some impact, and I could probably find a psychologist to argue that each one of these factors is the most important of all of them. In reality, they all exert some influence, and some of them are out of your control.

That’s why the best place to be may be the middle ground between ignoring all expert advice and constantly bouncing back and forth between the latest sensationalist headlines. Becoming so jaded that you refuse to listen to those people working tirelessly to discover the truth will likely make life harder than it needs to be. Feverishly trying to keep track of every piece of advice, no matter the source, will also likely hurt more than help.

In between those extremes is understanding that good science, validated by multiple studies, is worth listening to, even though it might change in the future. It’s cultivating high-quality sources of information, but not even taking those at face value. It’s understanding that experts and authorities have agendas, which may be legitimate, but don’t necessarily align with every individual’s situation or philosophy.

Ultimately, parenting advice may seem to change extremely often, but the reality is parents don’t need to.

About Us

This article was co-authored by Jen Lumanlan of  Your Parenting Mojo and Lee and Elisa Procida of Parentifact.

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I saw a lot of articles in the weeks immediately after the Florida school shooting discussing how parents were considering homeschooling because they were afraid; another recent spate of articles note that there have been more than 20 school shootings so far this year (and it’s only May!) where someone was either hurt or killed.

Kathy Lowers of Collier County, FL had a son who was one month old when the Columbine shootings happened, and decided that schools were no longer safe.  Her perspective is underscored by a statement in the same article by Michelle Estes, the secretary of the Children’s Home Educators Association of Collier County, who said that “the only way too guarantee your kids are safe is to have them by your side.”

And it’s not just in Florida – parents as far-flung as Arkansas, Pennsylvania, and Missouri report thinking about or actually pulling their children out of school because of concerns about safety.

We shouldn’t need bulletproof backpacks to protect our children at school, but we cannot harden all schools against all forms of attack.  As long as there are guns essentially freely available to pretty much anyone who wants to buy one, we will continue to see attacks on schools, movie theaters and workplaces.

It’s natural to want to avoid things that scare us and things that might hurt us.  And at the same time, we want the best for our child.

Don’t homeschool because you’re afraid of school shootings

But being afraid of gun violence is not a good reason to pull your child out of school – because you or your child could just as easily get shot at the mall, at a concert, or at work – or (if you own a gun) in your own home.

Indeed, if there is a gun in your home it seems possible that your child might be less safe there than in school, given that living in a home with guns present increases the risk of homicide by 40-170%.

But even if safety is the wrong reason to homeschool, there are many great reasons to consider it.  In fact, homeschooling may be one of the hottest trends in education, since more children are now homeschooled than attend charter schools.

And believe me, this is not your mother’s homeschooling – when I first learned about homeschooling I thought they were a particular type of the population but actually secular homeschoolers may be the fastest-growing group.

These parents are worried about budget cuts; about class sizes; about standardized testing; about what their children are learning in school; about how school might be one of the more effective ways of squashing curiosity and a love of learning out of a child.

People just like you are thinking “could homeschooling actually work for me?”

(By and large, teachers are NOT among the “reasons to consider homeschooling.”  I’ve interviewed teachers across the country and am continually impressed by their talent and dedication.  On more than one occasion they’ve been moved to tears when they talk about how much they care about their students.  Teachers are not the problem: the system they are forced to work within is the problem.)

Five reasons to consider homeschooling – besides safety

1. I was shocked to learn that compulsory schooling was not developed to help children reach their potential, or even to teach basic skills (there was no need: literacy rates – admittedly primarily among White males – in New England reached 90% between 1787 and 1795), but was actually developed by states to control what students learned and shape them into compliant citizens. The first countries to enact compulsory education laws were those that were less reliant upon child labor.  We need a school system that actually supports children’s learning (but reformers have been agitating for this for over a century now so it seems unlikely to happen anytime soon).

2. We created factories to manufacture standardized components in an assembly line, and the school system segregates students according to ability and uses standardized curricula to teach in standardized ways to ensure good results on standardized tests, which allows us to measure the performance of students and teachers and reward or punish them accordingly. Meaningful assessment of children’s learning is not the enemy, but testing that does not tell a child anything useful about his learning is.

3. Despite this focus on test scores, test results are abysmal. Between 30 and 40% of students score at above a proficient level in reading and math in both fourth and eighth grades; the rest score at a basic or below basic level with a 25-30-point difference in scores between black and white children.  Results are only “improving” in that they are better than the 13-30% of students scoring at or above proficient level in 1992, when we started the standardized testing push.  It is very difficult to obtain data to empirically test this, but studies indicate that homeschooled children perform at least as well on standardized tests as children who attend school.

4. Schools aren’t preparing our children for success in the real world: they’re actually really good at preparing our children for the kinds of jobs that existed in the 1950s (the height of the factory assembly-line era). Schools treat content (i.e. facts) as if it was the most important thing in education, when actually students leave education with few of the skills they need in the working world.  Instead, content is perhaps the least important (because we have Google now, after all) of six critical skills they should be learning – the others are Collaboration, Communication, Critical Thinking, Creative Innovation, and Confidence.  Ironically, one of the reasons the students at Marjorie Stoneman Douglas school seem so poised when they argue for gun control is because they attend school in an affluent neighborhood which enables programs like school newspapers, debate, and drama programs – these are not kids sitting around memorizing content all day.

5. Homeschooling might actually be better preparation for both college and life than being in school. I did well in school because I learned how to understand and follow rules.  The words “will this be on the test?” strike fear into the hearts of educators because they know that our children – like I did – are learning only as much as they need to pass the test.  The only cure for that kind of thinking is to learn about things that interest you.  Which you can do, if you’re not beholden to a curriculum.

Some of the most common reasons given keeping children in schools are that they allow children to learn life skills and social norms, and that they expose children to diversity in people and in ideas.  Plus there’s always the concern: how will they ever get into college?

Learning social norms by being separated from society

But isn’t it ironic that we expect children to learn how to behave in society by separating them from society and putting them in a group of individuals exactly their age, where they learn things (as we have already seen) that don’t prepare them for life outside school?

Think of the last training you did for your work.  Now, did you ever apply what you learned to your work?  If not, chances are it’s because you learned it in isolation and never practiced integrating the new knowledge into what you actually do all day.  Maybe the things you spend most of the day thinking about aren’t even remotely related to the training.

Students don’t learn to manage money, manage their mental health, how to buy, sell, repair, manage, or maintain a car or house, how to be a good spouse or take care of and raise a child, how to communicate professionally, and how to cope with failure in school.  They don’t learn skills like self-control, motivation, focus, and resilience.  They don’t learn how to learn beyond rote memorization.  (If you prefer to hear this in the form of a rap, click here.)

This article summarizes five critical social skills, and concludes by asking “What can happen when kids don’t follow social rules?” The response given is that your child may find himself being bullied by other children – as roughly 35% of children in school are.  But should we lay this blame on the children being bullied – or does some of the fault lie with the bullies?  And is it possible that these lessons about social skills could be more effectively learned in environments outside of school?

Exposing children to diversity…but not too much

Parents say that they value diversity in schools (one national survey found that 73% of parents say that having a racially diverse student body is “very” or “somewhat” important for their children to attend a diverse school), but their actions show that their support for diversity is actually rather limited.  One mother involved in a research study on the importance of student body diversity was asked whether racial or ethnic makeup was an important factor in her school choice decision, and responded “It is ideally, but I didn’t have a lot of choices so I went with a school that I felt had the best educational program even though I would like a school to be more diverse.”

White parents want diversity in schools, but they also want to make sure there’s a critical mass of other white students in their children’s schools and classrooms: one white mother in the same study said “I don’t want to be the minority.  I want a comfortable place for my children.”

Privileged families move to different houses in the attendance zones of desirable schools, use information they get from the directors of their expensive preschools, and use their extensive networks to navigate the application system and get their children into “good” schools, defining those schools more by the racial makeup of the school than by what is taught.  They opt in to “Gifted and Talented” programs which effectively segregate otherwise diverse schools.

It’s true that where diversity exists in schools, it tends to benefit students (although the picture may be more nuanced than is often reported).  But our schools are actually highly segregated: 52% of white students attend schools with less than 25% minority enrollment, while 57% of black and 60% of Hispanic students attend schools with 75% or more minority enrollment.

Diversity is great for your kids…when they can get it.  It’s possible they might be exposed to more diversity just by living life in society than by being in school.

How can a homeschooled child get into college?

Three of Grant and Micki Colfax’s four children got into Harvard.

In the late 1960s the couple protested the Vietnam War and worked for the civil rights movement.  One night in 1968 they received a phone call threatening their son’s life – and the police called David a “goddamned draft dodger” and refused to help.  David was later denied tenure at two different universities, and he received a settlement from one of them for violation of his academic freedom due to his political activities.

After that, the couple bought a plot of land in remote Northern California – one the real estate agent told them was “no place to raise children.”  They carved out a homestead and began homeschooling.  When their oldest son, Grant, won a full scholarship to Harvard the family made the national news.  The next two sons followed Grant to Harvard, and the fourth works in the software industry.  (Read all about it in their book Hard Times in Paradise.)

Homeschooling is no impediment to college acceptance and later success, and it may even be an advantage as their self-directed accomplishments distinguish your child from all the other suburban children with straight As and seven extracurricular activities.  Stanford even tags homeschooled applicants with a special code so they can be found more easily among other applicants.  Why?  Because of their intellectual vitatility.

So why should you consider homeschooling?

Well, we’ve implicitly covered a number of these reasons by now.

Your child wouldn’t have to learn the same thing that every other child in the country is learning.  She could follow whatever curriculum you wanted: heavier on science, or math, or writing, or whatever is most important to your family.  Or you could do away with the curriculum entirely and just follow your child’s interest.  (Remember the part about Content being the least important of the six Cs?  If you spend less time on that, it frees up a whole host of time for the other five Cs.)

If you don’t believe that standardized testing is an accurate representation of what children know, you could opt out of testing in school but then your child would still have to go through the test-based teaching geared toward the rest of the class.  (Keep in mind that civil rights groups oppose opting out of testing because it demonstrates the achievement gap between children of dominant and non-dominant cultures.)

But if you aren’t wasting time on standardized testing, you can assess children’s learning in meaningful ways – through formative assessments (used to monitor learning) and authentic assessments (used to provide rich, meaningful assessments of a final work product).  You know, the kinds of assessments teachers would do if they didn’t have to teach to the standardized tests.

Alternatively, you could do away with assessments entirely and just encourage your child to share his knowledge with others who are interested in the same topic – both peers and adults.  They will offer critiques for him, suggest different strategies, and provide the guidance he needs.

She can socialize with children and adults of all ages, doing away with the notion that only socialization with children of exactly her age is valuable.  Indeed, she may get far more out of relationships with both younger and older children, as well as with adults of all ages – based on their shared interests rather than their age.

Most importantly, he can learn – about himself, about the world, and about his place in it.  From actually living in it, rather than memorizing facts about it in school.

Don’t homeschool because you’re afraid of school shootings.  Do it because it facilitates the best kind of learning there is – learning how to learn, in a way that inspires her to love learning.  Don’t we all want that for our children?

Jen Lumanlan (M.S., M.Ed.) hosts the Your Parenting Mojo podcast (www.YourParentingMojo.com), which examines scientific research related to child development through the lens of respectful parenting.  She also launched the most comprehensive course available to help parents decide whether homeschooling could be right for their family.  Find out more about it – and take a free seven-question quiz to get a personalized assessment of your own homeschooling readiness at www.YourHomeschoolingMojo.com

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