• Most parenting resolutions don’t stick because they rely on willpower instead of addressing underlying needs. When you’re triggered, your nervous system takes over and willpower can’t stop that.
• Intentional parenting means choosing how you respond instead of reacting on autopilot. You figure out what needs drive your and your kids’ behavior, then set up your day so everyone’s needs get met.
• Realistic resolutions start with tracking what sets you off and which needs aren’t getting met – not promising you’ll yell less.
• Positive parenting strategies: identify the need before you react, solve problems together with your child, and change your environment so you’re not relying on willpower when you’re stressed.
• Goals of parenting: understand and meet multiple people’s needs.  When we teach obedience, kids don’t learn how to truly collaborate.
• Repair time matters more than perfection. When you mess up, say what happened, own your part, and reconnect with your child.
• Getting support helps. You need other parents who get it, research-based guidance, and ways to understand what’s happening when things go sideways.

Most parenting resolutions fail by February.

You know the ones: “I’ll stop yelling at my kids.” “We’ll have peaceful mornings.” “I’ll be more patient.”

We set these goals with the best intentions. But by the end of January, we’re back to the same struggles – and maybe feeling even worse about ourselves because we “failed” again.

Most parenting resolutions rely on willpower. And willpower runs out fast when you’re exhausted, triggered, and your child refuses to put on shoes for the tenth time.

Instead of making resolutions based on behavior change, let’s focus on intentional parenting – understanding what needs aren’t getting met (ours AND our children’s) and building systems that support everyone, including you.

Why Your Parenting Resolutions Keep Failing

Think about the last parenting resolution you made. Maybe it was “I’ll stop yelling” or “I’ll be more patient with my kids.”

These resolutions focus on stopping a behavior without understanding what drives it. When your body is flooded with stress hormones and your child is having a meltdown in the grocery store, no amount of willpower will help you stay calm.

When we experience something that reminds us – even unconsciously – of difficult experiences from our own childhood, our bodies respond. Our heart rate increases. Our blood pressure jumps. The part of our brain responsible for speech can actually shut down.

The traumatic events we experienced in our lives show up in our bodies. And when we’re triggered, we yell, run away, leave emotionally, do anything to get them to stop the tantrum, or freeze (depending on what was the most effective strategy for us as we interacted with our caregivers when we were little).

Your upbringing shapes how you parent today. The ways your parents used power over you becomes the template for how you use power over your own children.  

If you would have been punished for having a meltdown, when your kids have a meltdown you probably feel an intense tension.  The part of you that wants your kids to be able to feel their feelings gets overwhelmed by the part of you that remembers being punished for feeling your feelings.  

Because the punished part has been with you for much longer, in stressful moments it usually wins – and you yell.

Willpower-based resolutions ignore all of this. They assume that if you tried harder, you’d be able to make the change you want to see. But trying harder doesn’t address your underlying needs that aren’t getting met, or the triggers from your past that set you off.

That’s why these resolutions fail.  But that doesn’t mean you can’t change how you interact with your kids.

What Is Intentional Parenting?

Intentional parenting means making conscious choices about how you interact with your child, based on your values.

It’s the opposite of reactive parenting – where you’re constantly putting out fires, saying “no” without thinking about why; just surviving each day.

When you parent with intention, you:

• Understand what needs drive both your behavior and your child’s behavior
• Make choices aligned with your values instead of just following what your parents did or what society says you “should” do
• Build systems that support everyone instead of relying on willpower in the moment
• See your child’s resistance as information rather than defiance

Parenting with purpose takes this a step further. It means knowing WHY you’re making the choices you make. What do you want for your children as they grow up? What qualities do you want to nurture? How do you want them to remember their childhood?

Your answers to these questions shape hundreds of small decisions you make every day.

Do you force your child to hug Grandma, or do you respect their bodily autonomy? 

Do you make them finish everything on their plate, or do you trust them to know when they’re full? 

Do you get frustrated when they don’t ‘listen,’ or do you find ways to meet both of your needs?

Each of these interactions teaches your child something – not just about the specific situation, but about:

• How people with power should treat people with less power. 
• Whether they can trust their own judgment.
• Whether their feelings and needs matter. 

Intentional parenting recognizes that children don’t just learn WHAT we teach them. They learn HOW we teach them. 

If we use shame and control to get compliance, that’s what they learn to do with their own power someday – in their relationships with their own kids, and with others in their lives as well.

What Are the Goals of Parenting? A Needs-Based Perspective

Ask most parents what their goals are, and you’ll hear things like: “I want my child to be successful.” “I want them to be happy.” 

And, in the short term: “I want them to listen” (by which we often mean “do what I tell them to do”).

Our parents basically had these goals too.  They wanted the best for us.  And they were surviving every day the best they could with the trauma they were carrying and the tools they had available to them.

Parenting with these goals created a lot of pain for us, because our parents tried to shape our behavior.

They might have rewarded us for fitting in with gender norms; for doing well in school; for ‘listening,’ and punished us when we didn’t do those things.

Or maybe they didn’t even have to reward us – because we understood it was safest if we didn’t even have needs, and took care of everyone else instead.

Many of the parents work with have spent so many decades suppressing their needs that they don’t even know how to identify them.

Needs drive all of our behavior – ours; our kids’; everyone.  

When we understand and meet our own needs, we feel content; at peace.

When we understand and meet our kids’ needs, they feel content and at peace, and our relationship is strong.  They know our love for them isn’t dependent on them producing certain behaviors.  They’re more willing to collaborate with us to help us meet our needs as well.

This is the foundation for everything you want for your child.  Your child can’t be happy if they don’t understand their own needs.  They can’t be in nourishing, fulfilling relationships with others if they don’t know how to meet multiple people’s needs.  

When you understand these deeper goals, suddenly those daily battles look different. Instead of asking “How do I make my child brush their teeth?”, you start asking “How do I support my child in developing healthy habits while respecting their autonomy and maintaining our connection?”.

How to Pick a Realistic Resolution: Parenting Goals Examples That Work

Click here to download the How to Pick Realistic Resolution: Parenting Goals Examples That Work

So if “I’ll stop yelling” doesn’t work, what does?

The key is moving from willpower to understanding patterns. Instead of resolving to be different, start by noticing when struggles happen and what needs aren’t getting met.

Here’s how this looks in practice:

Parent Goals Example 1: The Morning Battles

Typical Resolution: “We’ll have peaceful mornings”

Why it fails: Too vague, no plan for what creates the chaos

The Intentional Approach:

• Map the morning pattern: What derails you? (finding clothes, making breakfast, finding shoes)
• Your needs: perhaps ease, consistency, order
• Your child’s needs: maybe autonomy, competence, play
• Experiment: Talk with your child about what makes mornings hard for them. Maybe there are too many choices, or they feel rushed, or they’re feeling anxious about school.  When you address the challenges underlying their behavior, they stop resisting.

How to know it’s working: You’re leaving on time more days than not, with less conflict

Parent Goals Example 2: The Bedtime Standoff

Typical Resolution: “My child will go to bed without a fight”

Why it fails: Focuses on your child’s behavior, not the system

The Intentional Approach:

• Notice the pattern: Does your child stall? Ask for things? Get a second wind?
• Your needs: rest, ease, calm
• Your child’s needs: connection, autonomy, comfort
• Experiment: Start bedtime routine 20 minutes earlier, ask them what routine they prefer (“pajamas or teeth first?”), add 10 minutes of Special Time right before bed

How to know it’s working: Bedtime takes less time overall and involves less arguing

Parent Goals Example 3: The Sibling Fighting

Typical Resolution: “My kids will stop fighting with each other”

Why it fails: Siblings will always have conflicts – it’s how they learn

The Intentional Approach:

• Notice when fights happen most (tired? hungry? competing for your attention?)
• Your needs: peace, harmony, competence
• Each child’s needs: belonging, respect, autonomy, connection with you
• Experiment: Schedule one-on-one time with each child, teach them problem-solving tools when they’re calm, step back from minor conflicts

How to know it’s working: They’re solving some conflicts themselves, fights are shorter, and you’re less reactive

Parent Goals Example 4: The Screen Time Struggle

Typical Resolution: “We’ll limit screen time to one hour a day”

Why it fails: Creates power struggles without addressing why screens are appealing

The Intentional Approach:

• Notice the pattern: When do screens become a battle? (transitions? boredom? your need for a break?)
• Your needs: ease, support, safety of children
• Your child’s needs: autonomy, fun, connection
• Experiment: Problem-solve WITH your child about screen time – what do they get from screens that they’re not getting elsewhere? Collaborate on screen time agreements, and acknowledge that sometimes you allow screens so you can rest

How to know it’s working: Less arguing about screens, your child transitions off devices more smoothly

Notice how each example starts with observation instead of judgment because you’re trying to understand what’s happening before experimenting with small changes.

Some experiments will work, others won’t. That’s the point. You’re building collaborative parenting skills and connection-based parenting practices that grow with your family.

Parent Goals Example 5: The Yelling Struggle

Note: This example is last in the list because you will already feel less stressed if you use the other ideas first.  This one is for the times when something comes up that you didn’t anticipate, and you feel dysregulated.

Typical Resolution: “I’ll stop yelling at my kids”

Why it fails: Focuses on willpower when you’re already stressed

The Intentional Approach:

• Notice when yelling happens most (mornings? after work? bedtime?)
• Identify your unmet needs (maybe: ease, order, rest)
• Identify your child’s unmet needs (maybe: autonomy, play, connection)
• Experiment: What if you kept a soft piece of fabric in your pocket to touch when you feel yourself getting frustrated? What if you took three deep breaths before responding? What if you said out loud “I’m feeling really frustrated right now” instead of yelling?

How to know it’s working: You might still raise your voice occasionally, but you’re yelling less often and recovering faster

What Are Positive Parenting Strategies That Support Your Goals?

Once you understand your goals and the needs driving everyone’s behavior, you need strategies to bridge the gap between where you are and where you want to be.

Here are five key strategies:

Positive parenting strategies that support your goals #1: Identify needs before reacting

The next time your child does something that makes you want to yell, pause for just three seconds. Ask yourself: “What need is my child trying to meet right now?”

Maybe they’re dumping water on the floor because they need to experiment and learn. Maybe they’re hitting their sibling because they need your attention and don’t know how else to get it. Maybe they’re refusing to get dressed because they need autonomy.

Your reaction will be completely different when you see the need instead of just the behavior.

Positive parenting strategies that support your goals #2: Problem-solve WITH your child

Instead of declaring what will happen, invite your child into the conversation: “We’re having trouble getting out the door on time in the mornings. I’ve noticed you often can’t find your shoes. What ideas do you have?”

Even young children can contribute solutions. And when they help create the plan, they’re much more likely to follow it. Research shows that supporting children’s autonomy – rather than controlling them – leads to better adjustment and internalization of values.

Positive parenting strategies that support your goals #3: Create systems (not willpower)

Willpower fails, but systems succeed.

Instead of resolving to be more patient, create a system: “When I feel myself getting frustrated, I’ll touch the soft piece of fabric I keep in my pocket to bring myself back to the present moment.”

Instead of resolving to have better mornings, create a system: “We’ll lay out clothes and pack bags the night before.”

Systems remove the need for decision-making in the moment when you’re already stressed.

Positive parenting strategies that support your goals #4: Build in repair time

You will mess up. You’ll yell when you don’t want to. You’ll be harsh when you mean to be gentle. You’ll prioritize getting out the door over connection.

What matters is what you do next.

Repair doesn’t mean apologizing and moving on. It means acknowledging what happened, taking responsibility, and reconnecting: “I yelled at you this morning when you couldn’t find your shoes. That wasn’t okay. I was worried about being late, but that’s not your problem to manage. I’m sorry. Can we talk about how to make mornings easier for both of us?”

This teaches your child that relationships can survive conflict. That mistakes don’t define you. That repair is always possible.

Positive parenting strategies that support your goals #5: Get support

Parents in the Parenting Membership often talk about how much changed when they stopped trying to do this work alone.

One parent, Jenny, spent four years exhausted because she was prioritizing everyone else’s sleep above her own – her son’s sleep, her husband’s sleep because he was “the breadwinner.” When she joined the membership, she realized the best sleep solution is the one that gets YOU the most sleep. She started going to bed at 8pm with her son. She felt a bit sheepish at first, but getting decent sleep for the first time in years changed everything.

Parenting is hard. Changing patterns that have been passed down through generations is even harder. Staying calm when you’re triggered takes practice and support.

You need people who share your values. People who will remind you why this matters when you’re exhausted. People who will help you break down big overwhelming goals into steps you can actually take this week.

Getting Support for Your Intentional Parenting Goals

These strategies work better when you have support. Doing this alone is hard.

Here’s what changes when you have the right support:

You stop spending hours googling solutions at midnight and instead get clear guidance based on research and real parent experiences. You stop second-guessing every decision because you have a framework for understanding what’s happening. You stop feeling disconnected because you’re in community with parents who share your values.

The Parenting Membership gives you:

• Tools for identifying needs – so you can understand what’s really happening in difficult moments
• Coaching on your real situations – not generic advice, but specific help with your actual family
• A community of parents doing this work – who will celebrate your wins and support you through the hard parts
• Resources for specific struggles – whether it’s bedtime, sibling fights, parenting disagreements or something else entirely

Click the banner to learn more about the Parenting Membership.

Final Thoughts

Most parents don’t set out to yell at their kids or have daily battles over shoes. But without intentional planning, we fall back on the patterns we learned from our own parents – even when those patterns don’t match our values.

The New Year is a chance to try something different. Not another willpower-based resolution that will fail by February. But a shift toward understanding needs, building systems, and getting support.

Small experiments over big promises. Progress over perfection. Connection over control.

Links to products on Amazon are affiliate links, which means I receive a small commission that does not affect the price you pay.

Frequently Asked Questions About Parenting Goals & Resolutions

1. What is intentional parenting?

Intentional parenting means making conscious choices about how you interact with your child based on your values rather than just reacting in the moment. When you parent with intention, you understand what needs drive both your behavior and your child’s behavior. You make choices aligned with your values instead of following what your parents did or what society says you should do. You build systems that support everyone instead of relying on willpower when you’re already stressed.

2. What are the goals of parenting?

The goals of parenting should focus on helping children develop three key capacities: autonomy (the ability to make good decisions for themselves), connection (strong relationships where they are accepted and supported), and competence (confidence in their ability to handle challenges). When you focus only on parent-centered goals like obedience, children comply when you’re watching but don’t develop internal motivation to do the right thing when no one’s around.

3. What does parenting with purpose mean?

Parenting with purpose means knowing WHY you’re making the choices you make. What do you want for your children as they grow up? What qualities do you want to nurture? How do you want them to remember their childhood? Your answers shape hundreds of small daily decisions. Each choice teaches your child something about how people with power should treat people without power, whether their feelings matter, and whether they can trust their own judgment.

4. How to pick a realistic resolution?

Pick a realistic resolution by moving from willpower to understanding patterns. Instead of resolving to be different, start by noticing when struggles happen and what needs aren’t getting met. Map the pattern (when does the struggle happen?), identify your unmet needs and your child’s unmet needs, then experiment with small changes. You’ll know it’s working when you see progress, even if things aren’t perfect.

5. What are positive parenting strategies?

Positive parenting strategies include identifying needs before reacting (asking “What need is my child trying to meet right now?”), problem-solving with your child instead of declaring what will happen, and creating systems instead of relying on willpower. Other collaborative parenting strategies include building in repair time when you mess up and getting support from people who share your values. These approaches support respectful parenting by addressing everyone’s needs.

6. What are smart goals for parenting?

Smart parenting goals focus on understanding patterns rather than forcing behavior change. Instead of “I’ll stop yelling,” try “I’ll notice when yelling happens most and identify what needs aren’t getting met.” Instead of “peaceful mornings,” try “We’ll experiment with laying out clothes the night before and starting our routine 20 minutes earlier.” Good parenting goals examples focus on systems and understanding instead on willpower.

7. Why do parenting resolutions fail?

Parenting resolutions fail because they rely on willpower. When your body is flooded with stress hormones and your child is having a meltdown, no amount of willpower helps you stay calm. The traumatic events you experienced in your life show up in your body. When you’re triggered, you go into fight or flight mode. Willpower-based resolutions ignore this and assume you just need to try harder, without addressing underlying needs.

8. What are needs-based parenting goals examples?

For morning battles, identify your needs (ease, consistency, order) and your child’s needs (autonomy, competence, play), then problem-solve together about what makes mornings hard. For yelling struggles, notice when it happens most and experiment with keeping soft fabric in your pocket to touch when frustrated. For bedtime standoffs, add 10 minutes of connection time and let your child choose the routine order. These parenting goals examples address real needs instead of forcing compliance.

References

Conger, R. D., Belsky, J., & Capaldi, D. M. (2009). The intergenerational transmission of parenting: Closing comments for the special section. Developmental Psychology, 45(5), 1276–1283. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0016911

Duncan, L. G., Coatsworth, J. D., & Greenberg, M. T. (2009). A model of mindful parenting: implications for parent-child relationships and prevention research. Clinical child and family psychology review, 12(3), 255–270. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10567-009-0046-3 

Horvath, C. A., & Lee, C. M. (2015). Parenting Responses and Parenting Goals of Mothers and Fathers of Adolescents. Marriage & Family Review, 51(4), 337–355. https://doi.org/10.1080/01494929.2014.955938 

Joussemet, M., Landry, R., & Koestner, R. (2008). A self-determination theory perspective on parenting. Canadian Psychology / Psychologie canadienne, 49(3), 194–200. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0012754

Kochanska, Grazyna & Thompson, Ross. (1997). The emergence and development of conscience in toddlerhood and early childhood. Parenting and children’s internalization of values: A handbook of contemporary theory. 

Lumanlan, J. (2025, October 19). I Don’t Enjoy Playing With My Kid: Why It Happens & What To Do. Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/captivate-podcast/parenting-guilt-playing-with-kids

Lumanlan, J. (2025, May 7). How to Foster Positive Sibling Relationships. Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/foster-positive-sibling-relationships 

Lumanlan, J. (2024, April 28). How to raise a child who doesn’t experience shame. Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/captivate-podcast/noshame/ 

Lumanlan, J. (2023, August 16). The connection between social challenges and power. Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/socialchallenges/ 

Lumanlan, J. (2023, April 30). What I wish I’d known about parenting. Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/captivate-podcast/whatiwishidknown/ 

Lumanlan, J. (2022, September 25). Healing and Helping with Mutual Aid. Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/captivate-podcast/mutualaid/ 

Lumanlan, J. (2021, July 25). The Body Keeps The Score with Dr. Bessel van der Kolk. Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/captivate-podcast/thebodykeepsthescore/ 

Lumanlan, J. (2021, February 7). The physical reasons you yell at your kids. Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/captivate-podcast/yelling/ 

Lumanlan, J. (2018, November 26). You have parenting goals; do you know what they are?. Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/captivate-podcast/goals/ 

Lumanlan, J. (2017, January 8). How do I get my child to do what I want them to do?. Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/captivate-podcast/compliance/ 

Lumanlan, J. (n.d). The Anxious Generation Resources. Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/theanxiousgeneration 

Robichaud, J. M., Mageau, G. A., Kil, H., McLaughlin, C., Comeau, N., & Schumann, K. (2025). Parental apologies as a potential determinant of adolescents’ basic psychological needs satisfaction and frustration. Journal of experimental child psychology, 254, 106204. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jecp.2025.106204 

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1. Intergenerational trauma occurs when effects of past experiences pass to children and grandchildren, even when they never experienced the original traumatic events themselves.
2. Parents may react intensely to small behaviors because trauma survivors often struggle with emotion regulation, especially during stressful parenting moments. Strong reactions happen when children unconsciously remind parents of their own childhood experiences, activating old emotions and survival responses – this is called being “triggered.”
3. Being “triggered” is a clinical term that describes when trauma survivors experience intense reactions because present situations remind them of past traumatic events. Parents without trauma histories may experience emotional overwhelm or “flooding,” but this is different from being triggered.
4. Trauma shows up today when parents blame their child – or themselves – rather than recognizing deeper patterns from their past are at play.
5. Breaking cycles starts with understanding your triggers and pausing before reacting, creating space between past wounds and present responses.
6. Processing your story in safe environments helps organize traumatic memories and prevents both complete silence and constant rehashing from harming relationships.
7. Healing involves keeping focus on your child’s actual needs rather than trying to rewrite your own childhood through your parenting decisions.

My-Linh Le grew up in San José watching her parents explode over small mistakes – when she forgot her backpack in first grade, her mother “kicked that thing across the room and hit the wall so hard it terrified me.” When her sister messed up dinner, her father threw dishes at the wall. The house was filled with an unpredictable rage that left Le lying awake at night, anxious about what mistakes she might make the next day.

As a child, Le assumed all Vietnamese families were like this. But years later, as an adult, she realized something that shook her. During a phone call with her boyfriend, when he didn’t do something she expected by a certain time, rage “just suddenly came out of nowhere, just like totally bubbled up within me.” She wanted to throw the phone across the room. “It was this really depressing moment of realizing that I’m just like my mother,” she said. 

Despite spending her childhood learning to suppress her anger to avoid setting her parents off, their trauma had somehow passed to her too. Her father’s first wife and son had drowned when their boat sank trying to reach America. Her mother had left a daughter behind in Vietnam, too afraid that the girl’s kicking and screaming would mean their escape would be discovered. These losses – never discussed, barely acknowledged – had shaped a family’s emotional landscape and passed their effects to the next generation.

I realized that trauma doesn’t just affect the people who directly experience it. It can ripple through generations, showing up in unexpected ways in children and grandchildren who never experienced the original events.  This blog post draws on my conversation with Dr. Rebecca Babcock Fenerci, a licensed clinical psychologist from Stone Hill College whose research focuses on intergenerational trauma resulting from family-based trauma.

Based on the insights from our conversation, this blog post will explore how intergenerational trauma can show up in parenting and practical strategies to break the cycle of trauma.

What Is Intergenerational Trauma

The definition of intergenerational trauma goes beyond what many people initially think. 

Dr. Fenerci explains that when we first consider intergenerational trauma, we might think about trauma being perpetuated across generations – parents experienced some type of trauma, whether being a victim of abuse or neglect, and then their own child has similar experiences.

But intergenerational trauma encompasses much more than direct repetition. The definition also includes the increased risk these children have for experiencing the consequences of that trauma, such as post-traumatic stress disorder, mood disorders, behavioral problems, and disrupted attachment.

Dr. Fenerci gives this example: 

“A child whose parent survived physical abuse growing up may be at risk if that child also experienced physical abuse. But the child might also be at increased risk for certain mood disorders or behavior problems or disrupted attachment, altered cortisol or stress-response system functioning.”

This means trauma transmission can happen even when the specific traumatic events aren’t repeated. The effects of trauma like the altered stress responses, emotional patterns, and relationship difficulties can pass to the next generation.

Why Do People React So Differently to Trauma

I was surprised to learn how differently people may react to traumatic circumstances. Studies on coping with trauma have looked at Holocaust survivors and children of Vietnam War veterans. Even within these groups, the effects were completely different for different people.  Some people experience truly horrific events, and go on to lead fulfilled lives.  Others see what we might think of as less overwhelming events, but they are profoundly impacted by them.

Dr. Fenerci explains why this happens, using the diathesis-stress model. This shows that our genes and stressful events work together. They shape what happens to us.

“If you’re thinking about the results of trauma and its consequences, whether it’s increased results in psychopathology or developments of mental illness or post-traumatic stress disorder or other negative consequences, it really depends a lot on certain risk factors that may run in a particular family.”

This includes genetics, but also epigenetics – how our experiences can actually change which genes are turned on or off. 

“It’s an ongoing interaction between genetics which may result in a certain predisposition or personality,” she notes. 

Even siblings who grew up in the same family and share half their genes can have very different outcomes.

The severity and chronicity of trauma also matter. As Dr. Fenerci puts it: 

“The more chronic or severe the trauma – such as the Holocaust, that’s exceptionally severe, exceptionally chronic, the more likely it is that the trauma is going to have an impact on a large percent of the population that has endured that.”

How the Brain Processes Trauma

Understanding how trauma works in the brain helps explain why it can affect us and our children for years. The brain handles trauma differently than regular memories.

When an event happens that we find traumatic, our fight or flight response kicks in. Our body gets flooded with stress hormones. When this happens too much, especially with family trauma, it can cause two things. We might have very vivid memories that keep coming back. Or we might forget the trauma completely.

During traumatic events, the limbic system in our brain works extra hard to keep us safe. But the frontal lobe which helps us think clearly and make sense of things shuts down. This is the part of the brain that helps us organize our memories and understand what happened to us.

This survival mechanism becomes problematic when trauma isn’t discussed. When a trauma isn’t talked about, the survivor is never able to process and make sense of the events.

The Extremes: Too Much Silence vs. Too Much Sharing

Through listener stories, we see both ends of the spectrum when it comes to family trauma and communication. Some never talk about it at all. Others talk about it all the time. Both ways can cause problems.

The Danger of Complete Silence

One pattern involves never discussing traumatic experiences. Many Japanese Americans virtually never mentioned their experiences in internment camps during World War II. This left lasting effects on their children. 

When we’re traumatized by something, it affects us in many different ways. If we never get to make sense of what happened, those effects keep playing out in our relationships and everyday experiences.

The Problem with Constant Rehashing

On the opposite extreme, one listener shared an example of family trauma. Her grandfather had been so abusive that he once lined up his wife and children at gunpoint, planning to kill them all before killing himself. Only when the mother came out of the bathroom and yelled for him to stop did he drop the gun, allowing the grandmother to sneak all the children out of the house that night.

The four older daughters developed various addiction issues throughout their lives. But there was something else going on:

“Every time they would get together as a family, they would rehash all of their memories of the abuse in absolutely excruciating detail.” 

Despite this constant discussion, the listener, who grew up in an otherwise loving home, found herself very fearful and couldn’t understand why.

This constant retelling can create vicarious traumatization. When we hear about a traumatic event experienced by someone we love, it can make us upset.

6 Ways Trauma Shows Up in Parenting

Parenting after trauma presents unique challenges. Here are several specific mechanisms through which trauma impacts the next generation.

How trauma shows up in parenting #1: Strong emotional reactions

Parents who experienced trauma may get furious over small things – not just annoyed, but experiencing the same fight-or-flight response they had during their original traumatic experiences.

Being “triggered” is a clinical term that describes when something in the present unconsciously reminds a trauma survivor of past traumatic events. Their brain responds as if the original danger is happening again, even when the actual situation is minor.

This might happen when their child asks for something over and over, or when they get interrupted while talking.

This connects to a powerful story from podcast listener Katie. She was adopted from the USSR after her alcoholic, abusive parents spent time in prison. Katie works hard with medication and therapy to build a strong bond with her son. But she knows she gets angry very quickly. Simple things set her off.  She reacts quickly and harshly when her son repeats things over and over, and when he does something she asks him not to do.

It’s important to note that not every strong parenting reaction qualifies as being “triggered.” Parents without trauma histories may experience intense emotions or “flooding” when overwhelmed, but this is different from the trauma-based activation that defines triggering.

How trauma shows up in parenting #2: Children as trauma reminders

A parent’s own child may actually serve as a trauma reminder. This may be conscious or unconscious. When children are traumatized by their caregivers or other family members, it can disrupt their ability to form healthy attachments.

When people who were hurt by caregivers become parents themselves, they’re now on the other side of that attachment relationship. Being close to your child can remind you of how your own parents treated you when you were a kid. 

If you went through something hard or hurtful back then, those old emotions might come back. This happens even if you haven’t thought it through or talked about it. You might not even realize it’s happening. Sometimes, those emotions can affect how you treat your own child, even though you don’t mean for this to happen.

How trauma shows up in parenting #3: When we think our reaction about our kids, but really it’s about our past

Sometimes parents don’t realize their intense reactions are related to their past experiences – especially if things have been ‘fine’ up to the point when they had children. They might think, “My child is making me angry” rather than recognizing deeper patterns at play.

This is what psychologist John Briere calls ‘source attribution errors.’ When parents don’t understand where their upset emotions come from, they blame the wrong thing. They might blame their child or themselves. So even when their child acts normally for their age, the parent gets triggered easily.

The problem gets worse because we often believe everything we think is true. When we think “My child doesn’t respect me” or “I’m a terrible parent”, these thoughts seem like facts. But our explanation is just one way to make sense of what’s happening. There could be many other explanations.  A child might jump on the couch even when you’ve told them not to because they’re deliberately trying to irritate you…or because they’ve had a hard day and they’re trying to get your attention to connect with you.

When you can step back from your automatic thoughts, you might discover your child isn’t trying to disrespect or annoy you at all. They might be trying to meet their own needs in the only way they know how. When we understand what need our child is trying to meet through their behavior that we find difficult, we often find strategies to meet both of our needs.

How trauma shows up in parenting #4: Disorganized memory and trauma-related thoughts

Dr. Fenerci studied disorganized memory, which happens when the person who had a traumatic experience hasn’t processed or understood what happened. She found that mothers who had experienced abuse as children were more likely to have toddlers who seemed sad, withdrawn, or anxious.  

She also studied specific thoughts and emotions that can stick around after traumatic experiences – things like shame, anger, fear, self-blame, and feeling cut off from others. She wanted to understand how these might affect parenting relationships. One key finding stood out: when mothers carried a lot of shame from their past, their toddlers were more likely to struggle with mood and behavior issues.

How trauma shows up in parenting #5: Difficulty regulating emotions

Children learn how to manage their own emotions by observing and interacting with their parents.

But trauma survivors often have trouble with emotion regulation themselves, especially when dealing with challenging or stressful situations. Parenting is already tough, and if your child is acting out or pushing your buttons, it’s even harder.  It can be difficult to teach your child how to manage their emotions when you’re struggling with your own.

This challenge doesn’t just affect your relationship with your children. It impacts your whole family system, including your relationship with your partner. When one parent gets triggered or flooded, it can trigger the other parent too. The stress spreads through the family like ripples in a pond.

How trauma shows up in parenting #6: Sense of loss and unmet needs

When parents didn’t get what they needed as children, it can show up in confusing ways with their own kids. Sometimes trauma survivors unconsciously expect their children to meet needs that weren’t met in their own childhood. This flips the relationship – suddenly the parent’s needs become more important than the child’s.

It might look like this: A child reaches out for connection, but their parent gets angry instead of responding warmly. Why? Because that parent might remember their own childhood, when they reached out for connection their parent reacted angrily. Without realizing it, they’re repeating the pattern.

But there’s another layer that makes this even harder. When parents start giving their children the love and attention they themselves never received, it can bring up painful awareness of what they missed. This puts parents in a tough spot. They’re trying to heal their own wounds while also showing up for a child who depends on them completely. 

9 Steps to Break the Cycle of Trauma

Click here to download the 9 Steps to Break the Cycle of Trauma

How to break the cycle of trauma #1: Understand your triggers

Common triggers often relate to past experiences in ways we don’t immediately recognize. Start by looking closely at what specifically sets off your sudden anger.

When a child’s action triggers us, there’s usually a thread connecting it to something from our own childhood. Maybe their defiance reminds us of times we were punished for speaking up. Or their tears bring back memories of being told our emotions were “too much”.

This awareness doesn’t make the triggers disappear overnight. But when we understand why we’re reacting so strongly, we may be able to create space between the trigger and our response. In that space, we can choose how to respond rather than just reacting from our past wounds.

How to break the cycle of trauma #2: Understand your needs

Understanding your triggers is just the first step. You also want to understand what needs you’re trying to meet when you get triggered. 

Often we think we ‘need’ our child to put on their shoes or brush their teeth, but these aren’t actually needs – they’re strategies. Your real needs might be for ease, collaboration, or connection. 

When you can identify the need underneath your reaction, you open up many more ways to meet that need. If your need is for ease and your child won’t get dressed, maybe you can lay out clothes the night before or let them pick between two outfits. If your need is for connection and they’re pushing you away, maybe you can find a small way to connect that doesn’t involve the thing they’re resisting.

How to break the cycle of trauma #3: Process your own story

As we’ve discussed earlier, too much silence and too much sharing can do more harm. Avoiding the topic altogether can keep old wounds festering, but so can rehashing them in exhaustive detail with anyone who will listen. Aim for a middle ground, whether that’s with a therapist, a trusted friend, or in a journal, where you can tell your story in a way that helps you make meaning of it.

Trauma gets stored differently in our brains. When our fight-or-flight system is activated, the part of our brain that helps us organize and make sense of experiences gets shut down. That’s why revisiting these experiences in a safe, supportive environment can be so helpful because it allows us to use our whole brain to process what happened.

How to break the cycle of trauma #4: Take a breath

When you notice intense anger or other strong emotions, try taking one conscious breath before responding. This gives your brain’s thinking centers a chance to come back online and helps you respond more thoughtfully.

Understanding where these big emotions come from can help make this strategy even more effective. When we’re triggered, our body is responding to something it perceives as a threat – even when that threat is actually just our toddler asking for a snack for the fifth time. Our brain doesn’t always distinguish between real danger and reminders of past pain.

You can also practice family-wide breathing practice. Parents can model these techniques for children and suggest doing it together: “We’re all having a hard time! Is it okay if we take a break to both take some deep breaths?”

This approach has several benefits. Not only does that give us the moment to think, but it also physiologically calms our system down because when we experience anger or other intense emotions, our sympathetic nervous system gets activated, so to be able to calm that system down gives us some time to be able to think things through.

How to break the cycle of trauma #5: When you can’t take a breath, practice self-compassion

You won’t be able to do this perfectly every time. Sometimes you’ll still yell. Sometimes you’ll still react from your triggers before you can catch yourself. This can be really discouraging.

When we mess up, we often beat ourselves up about it. We think things like “I’m a terrible parent” or “I should know better by now”. But this harsh self-criticism actually makes it harder to change our patterns.

Instead, try treating yourself with the same compassion you’d offer a dear friend. If your friend told you they yelled at their child, you probably wouldn’t say “You’re awful and you’ll never get better at this.” You’d likely say something like “Parenting is really hard. You’re doing your best and you’re working on it.”

That same gentle approach with ourselves is much more likely to lead to actual change. When we’re kind to ourselves about our mistakes, we can learn from them without getting stuck in shame. We can repair with our children and try again tomorrow.

How to break the cycle of trauma #6: Be thoughtful with storytelling

If you choose to share aspects of your past with your child, keep their developmental stage in mind and let their questions guide how much you say. The goal is to not overwhelm them with details they can’t yet process.

Consider what you’re hoping to accomplish by sharing:

• What are the pros and cons of saying this to my child? 
• How would I like to express this to them? 
• What could their reaction be to this situation and what is the purpose of telling them? 
• How could this potentially benefit our family? 
• What could it potentially hurt the family dynamic in some way?”
  

There’s no universal right answer – just what works for your family.  By sharing minimal information and then responding to their questions, you’re less likely to share information they aren’t ready for yet.

How to break the cycle of trauma #7: Keep the focus on your child’s needs

It’s understandable to want to “rewrite” our own childhoods through our parenting, but that can easily shift the focus from the child’s needs to our own unmet ones. Our children can’t heal our past – they can only live their own lives, with our support.

Dr. Fenerci found something surprising in her research: mothers who reported “loving being mothers” sometimes had children with lower social-emotional wellbeing. Her hypothesis was that these mothers might be unconsciously using their children to meet their own emotional needs rather than focusing on what their kids actually needed.

How to break the cycle of trauma #8: Consider asking for support in navigating your traumatic experiences

Therapy can be an invaluable tool for uncovering unconscious patterns, making sense of big emotions, and practicing new ways of responding. And if you ever consider revisiting the people or places connected to your trauma, having professional guidance can make that process safer and more productive.

Remember that the people who hurt us might not remember things the way we do or they might not be willing to acknowledge what happened. Going in with realistic expectations and support can help protect you from additional harm.

You might also consider talking with your healthcare provider about your experiences. Research on Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs) shows that early trauma can affect not just our mental health, but our physical health too. People with four or more ACEs have twice the risk for heart disease and over 12 times the risk for thoughts of suicide. Your doctor can help you understand how your experiences might be impacting your overall health and connect you with appropriate resources.

How to break the cycle of trauma #9: Pay attention to the signals

Changes in your child’s mood or behavior, persistent conflicts, or experiences of depression, anxiety, or distress in yourself are all important signs. Sometimes the “problem” we see in our child is actually a sign that something deeper is going on in the family dynamic.

This doesn’t mean everything is your fault. Kids go through normal developmental phases, and plenty of challenges have nothing to do with our past trauma. But it’s worth asking: Could something that’s impacting me also be impacting my child?

Going Deeper: Taming Your Triggers

These nine steps can make a real difference. But if you’re finding that intense reactions are happening frequently, if you’re regularly “seeing red” over small things, or if you notice your child starting to walk on eggshells around your emotions, you might benefit from more targeted support around triggers specifically.

When we’re triggered, our brain’s alarm system takes over. The part that can think clearly and make good decisions goes offline. That’s why simply telling ourselves to “calm down” rarely works because we need different tools.

In my Taming Your Triggers workshop, we dig deeper into understanding what’s happening in your brain and body when you get triggered, and practice specific strategies for:

• Catching yourself before the trigger takes full hold
• Calming your nervous system in the moment
• Responding to your child from a place of connection rather than reaction
• Having conversations after big reactions that actually bring you closer together

Many parents tell me this work has transformed not just their parenting, but their relationships with their partners and even their own sense of self. When you can stay present with your child even in challenging moments, both of you benefit.

K.D., a parent who took the workshop, shared: 

“I’ve been determined to break the generational trauma with my own children while holding my triggers like an inevitable nuisance at best and as only human when I lost it and react. It’s so incredibly freeing to consider that possibility that I could lay down those chains all together. 

The Taming Your Triggers workshop was a clear, concise and actionable path forward. The workshop gave me very clear steps to take toward being the mother I aspire to be by helping me heal my own hurt. Since the workshop I’m more patient and have greater capacity.”

Breaking the cycle comes down to becoming aware of what you’re carrying, and choosing to respond with intention instead of reaction. When you pause, reflect, and respond differently, you’re building new patterns that your children will carry forward into their own lives.

Ready to learn how to tame your triggers and break the cycle of trauma?

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Final Thoughts

Breaking cycles of intergenerational trauma means making intentional choices to respond in ways that are different from the patterns you inherited. This work takes time and patience with yourself. 

You might still get triggered sometimes. You might catch yourself reacting in ways that remind you of your own childhood. That’s part of being human. What matters is that you’re aware, you’re trying, and you’re willing to repair when things go sideways.

The trauma you experienced wasn’t your fault, but the healing you do now is your gift – to yourself, to your children, and to the generations that will come after them. 

This isn’t easy work, but it’s some of the most important work you’ll ever do. And you don’t have to do it alone. Whether through therapy, supportive community, or resources like the Taming Your Triggers workshop, help is available when you’re ready to take the next step.

The chains of trauma that were passed down to you don’t have to be the legacy you leave behind. You have the power to transform pain into wisdom, reactivity into responsiveness, and old wounds into new possibilities for connection. Your children, and their children, will benefit from the courage you show today.

Frequently Asked Questions About Intergenerational Trauma

1. What is intergenerational trauma?

Intergenerational trauma goes beyond direct repetition of traumatic events. It includes the increased risk children have for experiencing consequences of their parents’ trauma, such as mood disorders, behavioral problems, and disrupted attachment. Even when you don’t experience the exact same events that your parents did, effects like altered stress responses, emotional patterns, and relationship difficulties can pass down to you (and potentially to your kids as well).

2. Why do people react so differently to trauma?

People’s reactions depend on the interaction between genetics, epigenetics, and environmental factors. This is called the ‘diathesis-stress model.’ Even siblings in the same family can have very different outcomes because of genetic predisposition, personality differences, and how experiences change which genes are turned on or off. The severity and chronicity of trauma also affect how many people will be impacted.

3. How does trauma affect the brain and memory?

During trauma, the fight-or-flight response floods the body with stress hormones. The limbic system works overtime for safety, but the frontal lobe that helps organize memories and make sense of experiences shuts down. This creates either vivid, intrusive memories or complete memory gaps. When trauma isn’t processed, the survivor never gets to organize these experiences in a coherent way.

4. How does trauma show up in parenting?

Trauma appears through strong emotional reactions to small triggers, children serving as trauma reminders, source attribution errors where parents blame the wrong cause for their emotions, disorganized memories affecting parent-child relationships, difficulty regulating emotions, and unconsciously expecting children to meet needs that weren’t met in the parent’s own childhood, flipping the relationship dynamic.

5. How can parents break the cycle of trauma?

Start by understanding your triggers and the needs behind them. Process your story in safe environments, avoiding both complete silence and constant rehashing. Take conscious breaths when triggered to help your thinking brain come back online. Keep focus on your child’s actual needs rather than trying to rewrite your own childhood through parenting decisions.

6. When should parents seek professional support?

Consider therapy when intense reactions happen frequently, when you’re “seeing red” over small things, or when your child starts walking on eggshells around your emotions. Professional guidance is especially valuable when revisiting people or places connected to trauma. Changes in your child’s mood, persistent conflicts, or your own experiences of depression and anxiety are worth addressing.

7. How should parents share their trauma story with children?

Be thoughtful about developmental appropriateness and let your child’s questions guide how much you share. Consider what you hope to accomplish, potential benefits and risks, and how sharing might affect family dynamics. The goal is to help them understand their own experiences with you, without burdening them with adult emotional work.

References

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Briere, J. (2010). A summary of self-trauma model applications for severe trauma: Treating the torture survivor. Center for Victims of Torture. https://healtorture.org/wp-content/uploads/2023/02/A_Summary_of_Self-Trauma_Model_Applications_for_Severe_Trauma_Treating_the_Torture_Survivor.pdf

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Fenerci, R. L. B., & DePrince, A. P. (2018). Intergenerational Transmission of Trauma: Maternal Trauma-Related Cognitions and Toddler Symptoms. Child maltreatment, 23(2), 126–136. https://doi.org/10.1177/1077559517737376

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1. Emotional awareness is internal (recognizing feelings), while social-emotional skills are action-oriented (using emotions to navigate relationships).
2. Social-emotional skills include five core competencies: self-awareness, self-management, social awareness, relationship skills, and decision-making.
3. Two-year-olds may express big feelings through tantrums; parents can help by naming feelings, offering comfort during meltdowns, and using books to discuss emotions.
4. Three-year-olds are beginning to develop social awareness; they recognize others’ feelings and understand that different people can have different feelings about the same situation.
5. Four-year-olds may identify complex emotions beyond happy/sad/angry and begin managing feelings independently through better communication and impulse control.
6. Five to six-year-olds might demonstrate empathy in action, understand multiple emotions simultaneously, and can follow rules in group settings.
7. A child’s age doesn’t always align with their emotional capabilities – the best guide to what your child should be able to do is what your child can do.

Emotional awareness is an important step in helping children thrive — but it’s only one of a set of skills many children will go on to develop to understand and regulate their emotions. Once children recognize and name how they feel, they start developing more complex skills. These skills help them manage those feelings, connect with others, and respond effectively to the world around them.

In our previous post, How to Teach Emotional Awareness to Children, we explored the importance of emotional awareness and different strategies to nurture them. But being aware of emotions is just the beginning. Now, we’ll build on that foundation and look at what to expect as your child’s emotional development progresses from toddlerhood to kindergarten.

In some ways, I find it very difficult to offer an age-by-age guide.  The study of what we consider to be ‘age-appropriate’ is fraught with cultural assumptions about what children ‘should’ be able to do and when.  It tends to pathologize any behavior that doesn’t fit these guidelines, which means that when children resist our requests, the problem is always their resistance and never our request.

We may want them to ‘share’ and ‘play nicely’ because it helps to spare us from the feeling of embarrassment of being judged by other parents (or our own parents), and we hope it will meet our need for ease when we don’t have to referee their squabbles.

This guide will help you understand key emotional development milestones, what social emotional skills look like by age, and how you can support your child at every stage.  I’ll also offer thoughts on what to do when your child is not yet able to regulate their emotions that help, rather than hurt them.

From Emotional Awareness to Social-Emotional Skills 

Here’s where things get really exciting. If emotional awareness is like learning the alphabet, social emotional skills are like writing poetry. Both are essential, but they serve completely different purposes in your child’s development.

Emotional awareness is largely internal and cognitive. When your three-year-old says, “I’m sad because my toy broke,” they demonstrate emotional awareness. They can identify what they’re feeling and why. 

Social emotional skills, on the other hand, are action-oriented and interpersonal. These skills involve using emotional awareness to get along with others, solve problems, and make decisions that consider both their own needs and other people’s needs.

Think of it this way: emotional awareness asks “Why am I feeling this way?” while social emotional skills ask “What am I going to do about it, and how will it affect others?”

As children grow, they go from just noticing feelings to using social and emotional skills in everyday situations. You’ll eventually see them do things like share, take turns, use words when they’re upset instead of hitting, comfort a sad friend, and wait patiently for their turn.

What Are Social Emotional Skills?

According to leading experts in the field, social emotional skills can be organized into five core competencies. Think of these as five interconnected tools that work together like a Swiss Army knife for navigating relationships and managing life’s ups and downs:

Social emotional skill core competency #1: Self-awareness

This is your child’s ability to accurately recognize their own emotions, thoughts, and values, and understand how these influence their behavior. It’s the difference between a child saying “I’m bad” versus “I made a mistake and I feel disappointed in myself.” When your seven-year-old says, “I get really nervous before tests because I want to do well,” they’re demonstrating self-awareness.

This also includes understanding your own strengths and areas for growth. A child with strong self-awareness might say, “I’m really good at helping friends feel better, but I have a hard time when things don’t go as planned.” This kind of honest self-reflection helps children make better choices and ask for support when they need it.

Social emotional skill core competency #2: Self-management

This involves effectively regulating emotions, thoughts, and behaviors in different situations. Imagine a child who calms down by counting to ten when they’re angry, takes deep breaths when they’re nervous, or asks for a hug when they feel stressed. It also means working toward self-chosen goals (which may be different from the goals you would want them to choose!).

Self-management isn’t about suppressing feelings or always being “good.” It’s about finding healthy ways to express emotions and bounce back from setbacks. A child showing strong self-management might feel frustrated when they lose a game but still congratulate the winner, or feel disappointed about a grade but use that feeling to motivate studying differently next time.

Social emotional skill core competency #3: Social awareness

This means the ability to understand how other people feel and see things, even if they come from different backgrounds. It helps a child notice when a friend looks sad and asks what’s wrong, or see that a younger sibling might need help with something that seems easy to them.

Social awareness also means recognizing the unwritten social rules in different settings. A child with good social awareness understands that the way they talk with friends at recess is different from how they speak during a family dinner, or that their teacher’s frustrated tone might mean the class needs to settle down, even if no direct instruction was given.

Social emotional skill core competency #4: Relationship skills

These involve establishing and maintaining healthy, rewarding relationships with diverse individuals and groups. This includes everything from sharing toys and taking turns as a preschooler to navigating peer pressure and resolving conflicts as a teenager.

Strong relationship skills also mean knowing how to repair connections when things go wrong. A child might apologize sincerely when they’ve hurt someone’s feelings, listen carefully when a friend is upset with them, or suggest a compromise when siblings disagree about what game to play. These skills help children build lasting friendships and feel confident in social situations.

Social emotional skill core competency #5: Thoughtful decision-making

This means making kind and smart choices about how to act and treat others. These actions are based on what’s right, safe, and respectful. When your child invites a new classmate to join a game even though their friends don’t want to, they’re showing thoughtful decision-making.

This also involves considering the longer-term effects of choices, not just immediate consequences. A child demonstrating this skill might choose to tell the truth about breaking something even though they’ll get in trouble, or decide not to share a mean joke because they realize it could hurt someone’s feelings later.

These five competencies don’t develop in isolation. They’re deeply interconnected. Children need self-awareness to practice self-management. They need social awareness to build relationship skills. All of these work together to support thoughtful decision-making.

Social Emotional Development Milestones by Age

Here are the social emotional development milestones in early childhood and how you can best support your child at each stage:

Click here to download the Social Emotional Development Milestones: Ages 2 to 6

Social emotional development milestone for 2-year-olds

At two, toddlers are just beginning to understand that they have feelings, and they don’t always know what to do with them. 

During the toddler years, emotions feel BIG. A two-year-old’s disappointment about the wrong color cup can feel like the end of the world. This intensity is normal and necessary. They’re learning that emotions are temporary and manageable.

Common milestones for 2-year-olds:

• Expresses verbal references to emotions
• Their frustration tends to erupt suddenly in the form of tantrums
• Notices when others are hurt or upset
• Likes to explore and is more independent

How to support social emotional skills at age 2:

• Name their emotions for them, in the form of questions (since we can never be sure how another person is feeling until they let us know): “Are you feeling upset because the toy broke?”
• Offer comfort, not correction, during meltdowns.  Kids need to know we can handle their big feelings and just like us, they won’t remember a lesson someone tries to teach them when they’re feeling overwhelmed.
• Use books and toys to talk about feelings.  These don’t have to be special books – just pause during pivotal moments in any story, wonder aloud what the character might be feeling, and offer a hypothesis from a feelings list.
• Model calm behavior during stressful moments: like saying aloud: “I’m feeling really overwhelmed.  I’m going to take a deep breath.  Would you like to take one with me?” (If you need help to respond with more calm and confidence, and break patterns you don’t want to pass on to your children, the Calm Parent Toolkit can help.)
• Encourage them to try new emotion regulation strategies of their own, and celebrate their effort.

Social emotional development milestone for 3-year-olds

Three-year-olds start to become more socially aware. They begin to recognize emotions in others and may offer hugs or comfort when someone else is upset or in pain.  They begin to understand that different people can feel differently about the same situation. A child might realize that while they love scary movies, their friend finds them frightening.  (This also means that they finally understand that when they hit another child, their own fist isn’t the only thing that hurts!)

Common milestones for 3-year-olds:

• Understanding emotions better and knowing what kinds of situations can lead to upset felings
• Shows concern for others by asking, “Are you okay?”
• Imitates emotional behavior in play (a child might make their doll cry and then comfort it with gentle pats, or they might play “angry monster” and then transform into a “happy helper.”)
• Begins to play cooperatively in short bursts (with lots of ruptures and plenty of solo play along the way)

How to support social emotional skills at age 3:

• Help them label feelings in themselves and others.  Make sure to use real feelings words, not ‘fake’ feelings like “I feel like you never clean up your toys.”
• Discuss strategies with your child that they think might help them to re-regulate when they feel upset, like taking deep breaths, getting a hug, or squeezing a toy.
• Use pretend play to explore emotions and social roles.  This can be a great chance for you to learn about their feelings if they don’t say anything when you ask direct questions.
• Young children often don’t realize that their feelings will change in a few minutes!  Use the construct: “I’m feeling happy” or “Are you feeling exuberant?” (rather than “I’m happy”).  Adding the ‘feeling’ helps to communicate that feelings are temporary rather than permanent states.  
• Parents tend to talk about feelings more with girls (and math concepts more with boys).  If we want boys to feel comfortable sharing their feelings, we have to model that language for them – this is especially important for male parents and caregivers.

Social emotional development milestone for 4-year-olds

By age four, many children can identify complex emotions beyond basic happy, sad, angry, and scared. They might recognize feeling “frustrated,” “disappointed,” or “excited.” This expanded emotional vocabulary gives them better tools for communication.  

We aren’t trying to develop the largest possible vocabulary for the sake of having the largest possible vocabulary.  Rather, experts recognize that when you can understand your feelings more precisely, you’re better able to understand what needs you’re trying to meet.  Then you’re better able to meet those needs – a need for indulgence may well be effectively met by a big scoop of ice cream; a need for connection with others may be more effectively met by a call to a friend.

Four-year-olds may begin to manage emotions more independently. They can handle small disappointments and may start solving some of their social problems. They are also developing the critical skill of impulse control.

Common milestones for 4-year-olds:

• May engage in more imaginative play
• Can differentiate between real and imaginary (although will sometimes ‘lie’ because they are describing something they wish had happened)
• Expresses feelings in words more often than actions (saying “I’m feeling mad!” instead of hitting, or “That makes me feel sad” instead of just crying)
• Takes turns and shares more easily, since they know that not having an item right now doesn’t mean they’ll never get it back
• Begins to resolve minor conflicts with peers
• Asks to play with children if none are around
• Likes to help – with tasks they choose (which might not always be the tasks you choose!)
• May change their behavior based on where they are – e.g. knowing that there are different expectations on their behavior at school/home/grandparents’ house

How to support social emotional skills at age 4:

• Create opportunities for cooperative play with peers, staying close if your child needs support during play
• Use emotion-rich vocabulary in everyday conversations (“I’m feeling disappointed that our meet-up got canceled,” “I’m feeling really encouraged because I got help with a difficult project today.”)
• Validate their feelings when they’re having a hard time.  They need to be understood by you before they can consider your perspective and needs.
• Encourage problem-solving: “What could you do when you feel frustrated?”
• Role-play challenging social scenarios to help the child know what to expect
• Give them meaningful responsibilities and acknowledge their contributions

Social emotional development milestone for 5 to 6-year-olds

In kindergarten and early school age, children are ready for group learning and friendships. They understand social rules better and can use emotional skills in more complex ways.

Five-year-olds often show developing empathy in action. They might comfort a friend who’s hurt or share a toy with someone who looks left out. 

Six-year-olds start understanding that they can experience multiple feelings at once – excited about a playdate but nervous about meeting new kids.

Common milestones for 5 to 6-year-olds:

• Follow rules or take turns when playing games with other children – but they may still want to play by their own rules at times!
• Works more cooperatively in group settings
• Uses self-talk to manage frustration (e.g. “I want to play with the train, and it’s not fair that Jane still has it.”)
• Shows empathy and apologizes with meaning – although this may happen on their slower schedule, and not immediately after the incident

How to support social emotional skills at age 5 to 6:

• Have regular family discussions about emotions and relationships.  When your child brings home stories about friend disagreements, create space to hear their feelings and needs, and try to hypothesize what might have been the other child’s feelings and needs.
• Use collaborative problem-solving: “Let’s figure out what to do about this together.”
• Create opportunities for structured group play with gradually decreasing adult supervision.  Try to be in the next room rather than hovering over them, and just step closer when you hear difficulties arise.
• Practice perspective-taking: “How do you think your friend felt when that happened?”  You can also practice this by taking your child’s perspective: “I wonder if you felt excited when you saw the glitter, and didn’t think to check that the cap was on properly before you shook the jar?”
• Many children can have conversations about meeting both people’s needs with their adult caregiver by now, and if this language is used regularly in the home they will likely begin to use it with siblings and peers
• Introduce mindfulness practices appropriate for young children

Social-Emotional Development Red Flags in Children

While every child develops at their own pace, certain patterns may signal that additional support could be beneficial. 

If your child often shows some of these behaviors and you don’t see other children struggling in the same way, it’s a good idea to talk to a pediatrician or parenting coach:

• Persistent, intense tantrums that continue beyond preschool years or occur multiple times daily
• Limited social interest or difficulty connecting with peers and family members
• Emotional recognition challenges, including the inability to identify basic feelings in themselves or others
• Excessive aggression toward others that doesn’t respond to consistent guidance
• Extreme social withdrawal or avoidance of eye contact and interaction
• Rigid behavioral patterns that cause significant distress when routines change
• Delayed emotional regulation skills compared to same-age peers

Helping kids build social-emotional skills early on can make a big difference in their lives. Many behaviors that worry parents are just a normal part of growing up. We can also consider that often their resistance is the best strategy they have available to them to meet their needs.

When we ask a young child to do something they don’t want to do, they may resist by having a tantrum, stalling, refusing to participate, or by stomping their feet as they do what you’ve asked.  It can seem like they have to learn to regulate their emotions, because we ‘need’ them to do what we asked. 

The academic research follows this approach too. Parent-Child Interaction Therapy practitioners teach parents to use Time-Outs to change children’s behavior. The practitioners say it is justified because our children depend on us for love and care.  Withdrawing our love and care gets many children to change their behavior (the ones who resist are often diagnosed with Oppositional Defiant Disorder).

Instead, we can consider why the child is resisting our request.  They are resisting because our request is blocking them from meeting their need – perhaps for connection, play, or autonomy.  When we see their need for connection and our need for ease, we can shift from a strategy. Instead of “Learn to regulate your emotions and put your shoes on yourself,” we can use: “I can see you have a need for connection before we separate for the day.  How about I help you put your shoes on, which will meet my need for ease as well?”

Before, it might have seemed like the only option was that the child learn to regulate their emotions.  When we understand our child’s most important needs and meet these more often, we often find they – and we! – have far fewer problems with emotion regulation.

Final Thoughts

Emotional development is not linear. Your child might soar in one area while needing more time in another. Understanding these milestones simply gives you a roadmap to better support your child as they grow into emotionally aware, socially skilled individuals.

The goal isn’t to raise a child who never feels negative emotions. It’s to raise a child who can work through emotions with skill, compassion, and resilience.

Remember that children’s resistance to our requests often signals an unmet need rather than a lack of emotional regulation skills. When your four-year-old melts down about putting on shoes, they might need connection before separating for the day. When your three-year-old refuses to share, they might need to feel secure in their ownership before they can consider others’ needs. Instead of focusing solely on getting them to regulate their emotions to comply with our requests, we can look deeper at what need their behavior is trying to meet.

This approach shifts us away from seeing emotional outbursts as problems to be fixed and toward seeing them as communication about important needs. When we meet children’s core needs for connection, play, and autonomy more consistently, we often find that both they and we have far fewer struggles with emotional regulation. A child who feels truly seen and understood is much more likely to develop the social-emotional skills that will serve them throughout their lives.

Most importantly, trust your child’s individual timeline. Some children will naturally develop strong empathy early while taking longer to master impulse control. Others might excel at self-awareness but need more support with social situations. These differences don’t indicate problems. They reflect the beautiful complexity of human development. Your loving presence and patient guidance matter far more than hitting every milestone right on schedule.

Ready to Put These Skills Into Practice?

Understanding these milestones is good, but what happens when your child’s big emotions lead to challenging behaviors? When your two-year-old has a meltdown about the wrong color cup or your four-year-old hits their sibling during a frustrating moment, it can feel overwhelming to stay calm and supportive while still setting boundaries.

Many parents want to support their child’s emotional development, but they often struggle when those big feelings turn into tantrums, defiance, or aggression. They end up yelling, bribing, or giving in – none of which helps their child learn to manage emotions effectively.

When you have effective limit-setting tools, along with an understanding of how to meet your child’s needs and your own – you create a safe environment for both of you to practice your social-emotional skills. Instead of getting derailed by challenging behavior, you can stay focused on helping your child learn to navigate their big feelings, and finding strategies that meet both of your needs.

Do you want to respond to your child’s next meltdown with confidence instead of panic? Sign up for the Setting Loving (& Effective) Limits workshop now. Click the banner to learn more.

Frequently Asked Questions About Children’s Emotional Development

1. What’s the difference between emotional awareness and social-emotional skills?

Emotional awareness is internal – a child recognizes and names their feelings. Social-emotional skills are action-oriented and involve using those feelings to navigate relationships. If emotional awareness is like learning the alphabet, social-emotional skills are like writing poetry. One helps children identify “Why am I feeling this way?” while the other addresses “What will I do about it, and how might it affect others?”

2. What are the five core social-emotional competencies children develop?

The five interconnected competencies are: self-awareness (recognizing your own emotions), self-management (regulating emotions effectively), social awareness (understanding others’ feelings), relationship skills (building healthy connections with diverse people), and thoughtful decision-making (making choices based on what’s right and respectful). These work together like a Swiss Army knife for navigating relationships and life’s challenges.

3. How can I support my two-year-old’s emotional development?

Name their emotions for them: “Are you feeling upset because the toy broke?” Always question rather than telling a child how they feel, and offer comfort, not correction, during meltdowns. Use books and toys to talk about feelings. Model calm behavior during stressful moments. Remember that big feelings are normal at this age – a wrong-colored cup can feel like the end of the world to them. This intensity helps them learn that emotions are temporary.

4. What social-emotional milestones should I expect from my three-year-old?

Three-year-olds become more socially aware and begin recognizing emotions in others. They understand what makes people upset and may ask “Are you okay?” when someone seems to feel sad. They imitate emotional behaviors in play and can understand that different people have different feelings about the same situation. They’re beginning to play cooperatively for short periods, which builds their relationship skills.

5. What social-emotional milestones should I expect from my four-year-old?

Four-year-olds may identify more complex emotions beyond basic happy/sad/angry, if you’ve modeled this language for them. They express feelings in words more than actions, take turns more easily, and begin resolving minor conflicts with peers. They engage in imaginative play, can tell real from pretend, and adjust behavior based on settings. They may also show a desire to help and play with others.

6. How can I help my five-year-old develop better social-emotional skills?

Have regular family discussions about emotions. Use collaborative problem-solving: “Let’s figure this out together.” Create opportunities for structured group play with gradually less adult supervision. Practice perspective-taking: “How do you think your friend felt?” Teach conflict resolution steps. Read books featuring characters navigating social situations. Introduce age-appropriate mindfulness practices.

7. What are some red flags in social-emotional development I should watch for?

Look for persistent, intense tantrums beyond preschool years, limited social interest, difficulty identifying basic feelings, excessive aggression that doesn’t respond to guidance, extreme social withdrawal, rigid behavioral patterns causing distress when routines change, or delayed emotional regulation compared to peers. While development varies by child, trust your instincts if these behaviors persist.

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References

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1. Why does emotional awareness matter? It’s key for brain development, social skills, and how children learn to handle life’s challenges.
2. Children with emotional awareness and emotional intelligence build better relationships, achieve more academically, and enjoy better physical and mental health.
3. Even before speaking, infants show emotion by communicating through crying and facial expressions, and begin recognizing others’ emotions around 6 months.
4. How can I help my child identify emotions? Use strategies like being curious about facial expressions, connecting emotions to body sensations, and building emotional vocabulary.
5. How do I help my child understand emotions? Teach cause-effect relationships between events and feelings, validate all emotions while guiding behavior, and meet your child’s needs.

Have you ever worried when your child laughs after they hurt you or another child? Or been shocked when they suddenly hit their sibling, apparently out of the blue? Emotional awareness enables us to understand our inner experiences, as well as the inner experiences of those around us.

Children learn through emotions, which also guide their play activities and relationship development. Young children lack the ability to express their emotions through words because emotions exist as a human-made concept to explain internal processes. That’s something they learn over time, with our help.

Emotional awareness isn’t just a “nice-to-have” skill. It’s a key part of how children connect with others and deal with life’s ups and downs. In this post, we’re going to look at what science tells us about how children’s emotional worlds develop, and more importantly, how you can guide your child through this process.

Why Emotional Awareness is Important in Early Childhood

The link between emotional awareness and brain development

During this time, your child’s early years are critical for brain development. The emotional centers of your child’s brain are developing rapidly during this stage. Harvard University’s Center on the Developing Child found that responsive, emotionally supportive interactions between you and your child directly influence how these neural circuits develop.

Teaching our kids to name and process emotions helps their brains grow in healthy ways. This promotes important skills such as planning, attention, and self-control.

How does emotional awareness impact a child’s social skills?

When kids learn to understand their own emotions and other’s emotions, they’re much more likely to get along well with people. When children develop emotional intelligence, it helps them form friendships, play cooperatively, and handle disagreements without acting out or shutting down.

Children who are able to say what they’re feeling (“I’m feeling upset,” “I’m feeling nervous,” “I’m feeling excited”) help others to understand their experience.  It also helps them to understand the experience of others.  This makes it easier for them to share, wait their turn, and work through problems with their peers. When kids don’t understand how emotions work—either their own or someone else’s—they may act out, become withdrawn, or struggle to make and keep friends.

Other important things that affect how kids develop these skills include:

• Temperament (how they’re naturally wired to respond to the world),
• How well they understand that others can feel differently than they do, which develops with age,
• Neurodivergence, such as Autism, which can affect how well we can perceive others’ emotions, and
• Their language development, which helps them talk about their feelings.

Even though some kids are naturally more shy or get frustrated more easily, parents can still make a big difference in children’s ability to understand their own and others’ emotions.

What Are the Long-Term Benefits of Emotional Intelligence?

Here are three long-term benefits of emotional intelligence:

Benefit of emotional intelligence #1: Develop and sustain social relationships

Emotional intelligence is key to building and keeping good relationships. When we understand our own emotions and recognize emotions in others, it’s easier to handle social situations and get along with people.

This directly impacts our social relationships in many ways:

• Better communication: Emotionally intelligent people are better at saying what they feel and need. They’re also more effective at really listening to others. They are better able to read both verbal and non-verbal cues, picking up on subtle signals that others might miss. This reduces misunderstandings and creates space for more meaningful conversations.
• Conflict resolution: When people disagree, those with emotional intelligence are better able to stay calm and try to see the other person’s point of view. They don’t make the problem bigger, and de-escalate the conflict by working to find a solution that helps everyone.
• Deeper connections: Understanding emotions helps us connect with others. When we acknowledge someone’s feelings and show that it matters to us too, we can form stronger bonds with them.
• Trust building: Emotional intelligence helps us be consistent, reliable, and honest in our interactions. These qualities form the foundation of trust in relationships.
• Social awareness: People with strong emotional intelligence know how to act in different social situations. They understand the rules of social behavior and can adjust how they act to make others feel comfortable and respected. Developing emotional intelligence isn’t just about improving ourselves. It also helps us connect better with everyone around us.

Benefit of emotional intelligence #2: Academic achievement

Emotional intelligence doesn’t just shape our social world. It also plays a surprisingly significant role in academic success. Research shows that students with stronger emotional skills often perform better in school.

They typically demonstrate the following:

• Better focus and attention: They can regulate emotions that might otherwise distract them from learning, helping them stay engaged during lessons and study sessions.
• Reduced procrastination: Academic pressures can trigger stress, which can lead to procrastination as a way to avoid uncomfortable emotions. Emotionally intelligent students recognize these feelings early and develop strategies to cope.
• Enhanced problem-solving: When faced with challenging academic material, these students manage frustration better. They’re better at handling frustration and can push through challenges.
• Better relationships with teachers and peers: Students who understand emotions get along better with others. This can help them build a more supportive learning environment.

Benefit of emotional intelligence #3: Better physical and mental health

Emotional intelligence doesn’t just influence our relationships and academic success. It also has profound connections to both our physical and mental well-being. Research has shown that the ability to understand and manage emotions plays an important role in health outcomes.

Here are some of its health benefits:

Mental health

• Reduced anxiety and depression: People with higher emotional intelligence can identify negative emotions earlier and have more effective coping strategies.
• Greater resilience: Emotionally intelligent individuals recover more quickly from setbacks and challenges. They’re more likely to seek support when needed and use adaptive coping mechanisms rather than turning to harmful behaviors.
• Better stress management: They can recognize when they’re stressed and stay calm under pressure. This may help to protect their mental health and reduce the risk of long-term stress-related issues.

Physical health

• Better immune function: Chronic negative emotions and stress can suppress immune function. Those who manage emotions effectively tend to have stronger immune systems.
• Healthier behaviors: Emotionally intelligent people are more likely to engage in self-care. This can be in the form of exercise, proper nutrition, adequate sleep, and avoiding harmful substances.
• Improved cardiovascular health: People who feel more positive emotions, like joy and gratitude, often have healthier hearts and lower risk of heart problems over time.

Emotional intelligence helps us in many ways—not just in making friends, but also in having healthy minds and bodies.

What Are the Emotional Development Milestones?

When we understand how children grow emotionally, we can support them more effectively. Milestones can be somewhat helpful in understanding how children develop, although we should be cautious about considering these to be hard lines.  Many children struggle with emotion regulation, especially when they’re tired and/or hungry.  Use developmental milestones as a guide rather than hard lines that will be crossed at a particular point in your child’s life.

Here’s a brief overview of the emotional development milestones in early childhood:

Emotional developmental milestone of infants (0-12 months)

Even before your baby can speak, they already communicate emotions through crying, facial expressions, and body language.

Research shows that around 6 months, babies begin recognizing emotional expressions. This emotional recognition is important for social referencing—the process where babies look at their parents’ facial expressions to make sense of uncertain situations.

When you comfort your crying baby or smile while playing, you’re showing them their feelings are important and that others will respond to them. This helps build secure attachment which is linked to healthy emotional development.

Emotional development milestone of toddlers (1-3 Years)

As language develops, your toddler begins naming emotions. “Happy,” “sad,” and “mad” usually appear around age 2. During this stage, they also begin to imitate their surroundings and start displaying early signs of empathy and self-conscious emotions. They may appear upset when others cry or show self-conscious reactions when receiving adult feedback about their behavior.

At this stage, toddlers become more independent and show their own unique personalities. They enjoy pretend play and play next to other kids, but not always with them. They also start learning how to control their emotions in social situations – but their ability to do this very much varies with their capacity at a particular time.  If they feel tired or stressed, their ability to control their emotions will be much less than when they’re better resourced.  Just because you’ve seen your child restrain themselves from hitting another child on one day doesn’t mean they’ll be able to do it on another, when they’ve had a difficult day.

Emotional development milestone of preschoolers (3-5 Years)

By preschool, they begin to talk about more complex feelings and begin to understand that people can feel different emotions. They might say they feel “embarrassed” or “proud” and start to comfort friends who are hurt or sad. While they may show guilt, they don’t fully understand why someone else might feel guilty yet.

As their emotional awareness grows, children also start to experiment with managing their feelings but this process is far from smooth. You might see them trying to hide frustration, laugh when they’re nervous, or claim they’re “not sad” even when tears are streaming down their face. These are signs that they’re beginning to notice their internal experiences, even if they don’t yet have the skills to regulate them effectively. This is where adult guidance becomes crucial: helping them name their emotions, make sense of them, and find safe ways to express what’s going on inside.

Knowing the stages of emotional development gives us a helpful guide, but just knowing the steps isn’t enough. Each child will go through the stages at their own pace, so your child may be ‘ahead’ or ‘behind’ these milestones.  What a child should be able to do is what the child in front of you is actually doing.  They are already doing the best they can with the tools they have.  That said, there are some strategies we can use to support them in developing their emotional awareness, and their emotion regulation skills.

How Does Neurodivergence Impact Children’s Emotional Development?

Neurodivergent children—including those with ADHD, autism, sensory processing differences, or learning differences—may experience and express emotions differently than neurotypical children. Their brains process sensory information, social cues, and emotional regulation in unique ways that require tailored support.

Sensory Processing and Emotions

Many neurodivergent children have heightened or reduced sensitivity to sensory input, which directly affects their emotional experiences.  A child with sensory processing differences might become overwhelmed by the texture of clothing, leading to what looks like a tantrum but is actually sensory distress. Understanding these connections helps parents respond with compassion rather than frustration.

Executive Function Challenges

Children with ADHD or autism often struggle with executive function skills, making it harder to identify, process, and regulate emotions. They might have intense emotional reactions that seem disproportionate to the situation, not because they’re being dramatic, but because their brain’s emotional regulation system works differently.

Communication Differences

Some neurodivergent children may struggle to verbalize their emotions or may express them through behavior rather than words. A child who seems defiant might actually be communicating anxiety or confusion. Creating alternative ways to express emotions through pictures, movement, or sensory tools can be helpful to parents and children (as long as the child has the option to not participate if they prefer).

How to Help Children Identify Emotions

Here are 3 strategies you can use to help children identify their emotions:

Identifying emotion strategy #1: Beginning to recognize emotions through facial expressions

Emotion recognition is often the first step in emotional awareness. It involves noticing that an emotional response is happening.

Dr. Lisa Feldman Barrett’s work tells us that it can be difficult to recognize emotions from an arrangement of our facial features.  Different people’s faces look different when they’re expressing the same emotion, and each of us also uses expressions differently.  Sometimes when I purse my lips I’m feeling frustrated, and other times I’m feeling angry: how could another person possibly know which one I’m feeling if I don’t tell them?!

We also see that relying on facial expressions gets us in trouble when our children laugh after they hit us.  We interpret that laughter as ‘fun/enjoyment,’ but actually it can often mean ‘ashamed.’

Rather than teaching children that specific facial expressions are linked to specific emotions, we can teach them to notice that a person seems to be experiencing an emotion, and helping them to wonder or ask the other person what’s happening by doing things like:

• Pointing out facial expressions in books: “Look, that character is smiling! How do you think they’re feeling now their cake is finished?”
• Observing facial expressions in people: “Liam is crying.  I’m wondering what’s going on for him.  Should we check?”
• Playing games where you act out different emotions, like the ones that come with the Grok card games.

Identifying emotion strategy #2: Connecting emotions to body sensations

Emotions aren’t just experienced in our faces – they live in our bodies too. We can teach children to notice how emotions show up in their bodies:

• How their heart might race when they’re excited or scared
• The way their shoulders might tense when they’re angry
• The heaviness they might feel in their stomach when they’re worried
• The lightness they might feel in their chest when they’re happy

You can start by observing what you see: “I’m noticing that your shoulders are up high and your fists are clenched and I’m wondering if you’re feeling angry?”

Identifying emotion strategy #3: Build an emotion vocabulary

Many children default to simple terms like “good” or “bad” to describe how they’re feeling. Expand their emotional vocabulary by:

• Introducing new emotion words during daily conversations.
• Labeling your own emotions precisely: “I’m feeling frustrated because the computer isn’t working” rather than just “Ugh!” (or yelling at the child later).
• Use a feelings list that helps children identify emotions they experience when their needs are met and when they’re unmet (multiple languages and printable options available!)
• Noticing emotions in children’s books: you don’t have to buy any special books for this.  Just use any story you’re reading, and when you get to a turning point in the plot, ask: “I wonder how that character is feeling right now?  What do you think?”  If your child makes a basic happy/sad/mad guess, try using another word to expand on it: “I think the character might be feeling happy – or maybe even elated, which means really really happy!”
• Playing emotion games: Make learning about emotions more fun by playing emotion charades or matching games where kids have to pair facial expression with emotion words.
• Daily check-ins: Make it a habit to ask “How are you feeling right now?” during transition times like after school or before bedtime.

After kids learn to name their feelings, the next step is teaching them awareness of why they feel that way. While identification answers “What am I feeling?” emotional awareness addresses the crucial “Why am I feeling this way?” question that helps emotions make sense.

By developing emotional awareness, kids can go from saying “I’m mad!” to “I’m feeling mad because I wanted to pour my own milk and you did it for me.” This shift from labeling to emotional awareness is where emotional intelligence develops.

6 Strategies in Teaching Emotional Awareness to Children

Here are 6 ways on how to teach emotional awareness:

Click here to download the 6 Strategies in Teaching Emotional Awareness to Children

Emotional awareness strategy #1: Teaching the cause-and-effect relationship

Help children connect events to their emotional responses:

• “Are you feeling disappointed because we had to cancel the beach trip?”
• “I see you jumping up and down – are you feeling proud right now?  You worked hard on your drawing.”

Simple cause-and-effect talks help children understand that emotions happen for a reason, not just out of nowhere.  (Note: this is a key lesson for parents to learn as well!)  Notice that the observations are phrased as questions, not statements.  We can never be sure how another person is feeling unless they tell us.  They may communicate this non-verbally, using a nod or a grunt.

It’s important not to make a child responsible for your own feelings.  “You yelled, and now I feel angry” isn’t what we’re going for here.

Emotional awareness strategy #2: Validating children’s emotions

Validating children’s emotions is a critical strategy for parents; my conversation with Dr. Caroline Fleck shows you exactly how to do it effectively using the Validation Ladder:

• Be present: Give your child your full attention without waiting for your turn to speak or planning what you’ll say next
• Accurately reflect: “What I’m hearing is that you feel frustrated because your tower keeps falling down. Is that right?”
• Contextualize or equalize: “Given that you’ve been working on this for a long time, it makes sense you’d feel upset when it doesn’t work” (contextualize) or “Building with blocks can be really tricky. I get frustrated with puzzles sometimes too” (equalize)
• Make a proposal: “I’m wondering if you felt that mix of disappointment and anger when the blocks fell?”
• Express true empathy: Share genuine reactions to what they’re experiencing (“That sounds really frustrating!”)
• Take action: Consider what you will do differently to support your child (“I’m wondering if you felt more frustrated because we were rushing to clean up. Maybe next time I can give you a longer warning before dinner time?”)

Emotional awareness strategy #3: Use “I’m feeling…”

Instead of the sentence construct: “Are you upset?”, instead try using “Are you feeling upset?”.  Kids often think that their feelings last a really long time.  One time after my daughter had calmed down from an episode of anger, I asked her: “How long do you think you felt angry?”

She thought she had been angry for hours – actually it was more like 10 minutes.  Using “I feel tired” and “Do you feel frustrated?” helps children to see that feelings come and go; they aren’t permanent states.  If they just wait a few minutes, a new feeling will come along.

Emotional awareness strategy #4: Expanding your emotion vocabulary

Move beyond basic emotion words as children grow. Help them develop more nuanced emotion words:

• Instead of just “happy”: content, joyful, pleased, delighted, grateful
• Instead of just “sad”: disappointed, lonely, discouraged, heartbroken
• Instead of just “angry”: frustrated, irritated, annoyed, furious

Studies show that kids who have strong language skills are better at understanding and talking about emotions.

Modeling is a great way to grow this vocabulary. For example: “I’m feeling a little overwhelmed today because we have so many errands to run. That means I have a lot on my mind.”

Print a feelings list and refer to it when a more nuanced word would be helpful.

Emotional awareness strategy #5: Creating an emotion-friendly home environment

The best way to help children develop emotional awareness is to create a safe space where they feel okay sharing any feeling. This means:

• Avoid brushing off their emotions with phrases like “You’re OK” or “It’s not a big deal.”
• Modeling healthy emotion identification and expression yourself
• Taking time to listen and validate emotional experiences
• Offering comfort and support during difficult emotions without rushing to fix the problem

Emotional awareness strategy #6: Meeting your child’s needs

Our emotions are the body and brain’s response to whether our needs are met. When children engage in difficult behaviors, it’s always an attempt to meet a need.

If a child melts down after daycare, they may not be “misbehaving”. They might just need comfort, food, or quiet time.

Meeting those needs helps the emotion settle and teaches them that feelings are manageable. That’s why it’s important for parents to know what their kid’s needs might be.

When a child’s needs are consistently met, they develop a sense of emotional security. This secure foundation allows them to explore emotions without fear, because they trust that someone will be there to help them through it.

Ready to Transform Your Daily Struggles Into Cooperation?

Parenting often feels like going through an unpredictable storm. One minute everything is calm, the next you’re facing a tidal wave of yelling, refusal, or sudden outbursts. You’re doing your best to stay patient, but the constant power struggles and emotional chaos can leave you drained and unsure of what your child really needs. The truth is, behind most challenging behavior is a child overwhelmed by emotions they don’t yet know how to manage and a parent desperate for tools that actually work.

The challenging behaviors you’re seeing – the morning battles, mealtime fights, and bedtime struggles – aren’t signs of a “difficult” child. They’re your child’s way of communicating unmet needs when they don’t have the emotional vocabulary or regulation skills to do it differently.

It can be tempting to teach them to stop expressing their big feelings, especially when these come out as hitting and hurting others.  It is important to know how to set limits on children’s behavior.  But there are much more effective tools we can use to support them in regulating their emotions and creating the calm home environment we so desperately want.  The Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits workshop will help you make a big shift in the emotional climate of your home in just a few days.

Parent Lucy shared: “I feel significantly more confident as a parent: more calm and centered. I have more empathy and patience for my children for sure. I’ve noticed that both of my children are genuinely more at ease as well.”

Ready to move from daily battles to genuine cooperation? The Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits workshop is available right now – you don’t have to wait to make the changes you want to see!

Click the banner to learn more.

Final Thoughts

Helping your child develop their emotional awareness and gain emotional intelligence is one of the most powerful things you can do as a parent. By recognizing emotional milestones, supporting your child in identifying and being aware of emotions, you’re helping them build emotional intelligence that will benefit them throughout their life.

What strategy will you try first with your child today?

Frequently Asked Questions About Children’s Emotional Development

1. Why is emotional understanding important for my child’s development?

Emotional understanding helps your child’s brain grow in healthy ways. The emotional centers in your child’s brain develop rapidly in early years. When you help your child understand feelings, you support their ability to plan, pay attention, and stay in control. Children who understand emotions also connect better with others, handle disagreements without acting out, and build stronger friendships.

2. What are the long-term benefits of emotional intelligence?

Children with strong emotional intelligence tend to develop and maintain better relationships throughout life. They also achieve more in school because they can focus better and handle frustration when learning gets tough. Another major benefit is improved physical and mental health – they experience less anxiety, recover more quickly from setbacks, and often make healthier choices. These advantages help them thrive both now and later in life.

3. When do babies start developing emotional awareness?

Babies communicate emotions through crying, facial expressions, and body language from birth. Around 6 months, they begin recognizing emotional expressions in others. This helps them with social referencing – looking at their parents’ faces to understand uncertain situations. When you respond to your baby’s emotional needs, you’re teaching them that their feelings matter and building secure attachment, which supports healthy emotional development.

4. What emotional milestones should I expect in my toddler?

Around age 2, toddlers begin naming basic emotions like “happy,” “sad,” and “mad” as their language develops. They show early empathy by getting upset when others cry and display pride when praised. Toddlers become more independent and develop their unique personalities during this stage. They enjoy pretend play and play near other children (parallel play), and start learning to manage their emotions in social settings.

5. How can I help my child identify their emotions?

Help your child notice facial expressions in books or play emotion charades together. Teach them to connect emotions with body sensations, like a racing heart when scared or tight shoulders when angry. Build their emotional vocabulary beyond “good” and “bad” by introducing specific feeling words during daily conversations. Print a feelings list (either words or the picture-based version for young kids) point out the feelings characters experience in books, and do regular emotion check-ins to make identifying feelings a natural part of your routine.

6. What’s the difference between identifying and understanding emotions?

Identifying emotions answers “What am I feeling?” while understanding addresses “Why am I feeling this way?” When children understand emotions, they move from simply saying “I’m mad!” to “I’m mad because you poured my milk when I wanted to do it myself.” This connection between events and feelings helps emotions make sense. Understanding that emotions happen for reasons is where true emotional intelligence develops.

7. How can I create an emotion-friendly home environment?

Create a safe space where children feel comfortable sharing any feeling. Model healthy emotion identification by naming your own feelings: “I’m feeling a little overwhelmed today.” Avoid dismissing their emotions with phrases like “You’re OK” or “It’s not a big deal.” Take time to listen and validate their emotional experiences. Offer comfort during difficult emotions without rushing to fix the problem. Remember that meeting your child’s needs helps to create a calmer emotional climate in your home.

8. Why do children have emotional outbursts, and how should I respond?

Children’s emotional outbursts often signal unmet needs. For example, a meltdown after daycare might mean they need comfort, food, or quiet time—not that they’re “misbehaving.” Respond by trying to identify and meet the underlying need. This approach helps the emotion settle naturally and teaches children that feelings are manageable. When children know their needs will be consistently met, they develop emotional security and learn to explore feelings without fear.

References

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1. Children procrastinate to avoid negative feelings like anxiety, fear of failure, or uncertainty.
2. Teaching children self-forgiveness and self-compassion reduces shame and guilt, which actually helps prevent future procrastination rather than enabling it.
3. Teaching children to break tasks into small, manageable pieces makes starting easier.
4. Visual exercises like ‘paper doll chains’ help children understand how today’s actions affect tomorrow’s reality.
5. Creating the right conditions (clear expectations, reduced distractions, gentle accountability) helps children develop better habits, while overly strict approaches can increase anxiety and avoidance.

“Just five more minutes of Minecraft first!” your child pleads as you remind them—for the third time—about the science project due tomorrow. Despite having two weeks to work on it, here you are again, facing a night of rushed work and mounting frustration. Sound familiar? If you’re nodding your head, you’re part of the vast community of parents watching your children struggle with procrastination—and feeling powerless to help.

Procrastination is a challenge that affects people of all ages, including children. Whether it’s delaying homework, putting off chores, or avoiding responsibilities, procrastination can create stress, lower confidence, and lead to poor outcomes. As parents, we want to support our children in developing healthy habits, but we often struggle with how to do so effectively.

Based on insights from my interview with Dr. Fuschia Sirois, a professor at Durham University, expert in procrastination research, and author of Procrastination: What it is, why it’s a problem, and what you can do about it, this blog post will explore the roots of procrastination, its emotional underpinnings, and practical strategies to help children navigate and overcome it.

Understanding procrastination: more than just laziness

Many people mistakenly believe that procrastination is simply a result of laziness or poor time management. However, research shows that procrastination is deeply connected to emotional regulation.

Dr. Sirois defines procrastination as the unnecessary, voluntary delay of an intended task despite knowing that it may cause harm. Unlike mere delay, which can sometimes be strategic, procrastination happens when emotions—such as anxiety, uncertainty, or fear of failure—drive avoidance.

Children, like adults, may procrastinate because:

• A task feels overwhelming.
• They are afraid of making mistakes or failing.
• They experience uncertainty about what is expected.
• They are distracted or overstimulated.
• They lack motivation because the task does not feel meaningful.

Instead of seeing procrastination as a flaw, we should understand it as a response to negative emotions.

Why children procrastinate

Procrastination often begins in childhood and can be influenced by parenting styles, academic pressures, and a child’s own temperament.

1. Emotion regulation difficulties

Children who struggle to manage their emotions are more likely to procrastinate. When a child hasn’t yet developed strong skills for regulating emotions, they often avoid tasks that trigger uncomfortable feelings. For example, when homework creates anxiety or boredom, instead of working through these challenging emotions, they might delay starting their assignment.

2. Perfectionism and fear of failure

Some children put off tasks because they fear not meeting high standards.When a child struggles with perfectionist tendencies, they may delay starting rather than risk doing a “bad” job. The child might think, “If I can’t do this perfectly, I shouldn’t do it at all.” What parents often don’t realize is that this avoidance isn’t laziness—it’s an attempt to manage intense emotional discomfort.

3. Social pressures and shame

Kids may also procrastinate due to perceived social judgments. If they think others will see them as “not smart enough” or “not good enough,” they may avoid tasks to protect their self-esteem. This connection between shame and procrastination creates a cycle where children delay work to avoid potential judgment, which provides temporary emotional relief but ultimately reinforces their fears and anxiety about performance. Rather than risk embarrassment, children choose avoidance as a strategy.

4. Task ambiguity and uncertainty

Children often procrastinate when they do not fully understand a task. Lack of clear instructions or expectations can make starting an assignment feel impossible. When a child stares at an assignment sheet or project description and feels confused about what’s being asked, their natural response is often to put it aside rather than risk doing it incorrectly.

5. Habitual avoidance and instant gratification

If children are used to avoiding uncomfortable tasks by turning to distractions (e.g., screens, play), they may develop a habit of procrastination, reinforcing the cycle over time. This pattern is particularly evident in struggles with screen time and video game management that many families experience. When children encounter discomfort with schoolwork or responsibilities, digital entertainment offers immediate escape and gratification.

6. Bedtime procrastination

Many children delay bedtime, even when they know they’ll feel tired the next day. This often happens because they feel like they haven’t had enough fun during the day, they want to avoid tomorrow’s responsibilities, or they use screens or activities to distract from stress.

How parents can help children stop procrastinating

As parents, our role is not to “fix” procrastination but to help children build the skills they need to manage it. Here are some effective strategies.

1. Focus on emotion management, not just time management

Since procrastination is largely about avoiding negative emotions, helping children identify and regulate their emotions is key.

• Explore the emotions behind procrastination. Instead of asking “Why aren’t you doing this?” try “How are you feeling about this task?” to help children identify feelings of shame or anxiety.
• Validate their feelings. If your child is anxious about an assignment, acknowledge their feelings: “I can see this feels overwhelming for you.”
• Help them reframe challenges. Instead of “This is too hard,” encourage a growth mindset: “This is tricky, but I can take it step by step.”
• Practice calming techniques. Breathing exercises, short breaks, or a fun transition activity can help lower stress before starting a task.
• Model healthy emotional regulation. Children learn how to handle difficult emotions by watching us. When you’re struggling with a task, avoid hiding your feelings or simply avoiding the task without explanation. Instead, verbalize your emotions and demonstrate constructive ways to work through them.

2. Teach self-compassion and forgiveness

Children who procrastinate often feel guilty and self-critical. Teach them self-compassion:

• Instead of “I’m lazy,” encourage “I’m learning how to handle difficult tasks.”
• Model self-forgiveness: “I didn’t finish my work today, but I’ll make a plan to do it tomorrow.”

Self-forgiveness has been shown to reduce future procrastination, as it helps children move forward without being weighed down by shame.

3. Break down tasks into smaller steps

Overwhelming tasks can trigger avoidance. Help your child break assignments into tiny, manageable pieces:

• If they need to write a report, start with just brainstorming ideas.
• If they have chores, focus on one step at a time (e.g., “Put away five toys” instead of “Clean your room”).
• Use visual checklists to help them see their progress.

4. Make future tasks feel more immediate

One reason children procrastinate is that they see their future selves as distant and different from their current selves. A useful trick is to help them visualize their “future self”:

• Ask: “How will future you feel if you do a little now vs. waiting until the last minute?”
• Use the paper doll chain exercise, where each paper doll represents “you” across different days. This helps children see that tomorrow’s self is still them, facing the same challenges if they don’t start today.

5. Create a supportive environment

Addressing the external factors that drive procrastination can make it easier for children to develop more productive habits and face challenging tasks with confidence.

• Set clear expectations (“Homework starts at 4 PM”).
• Reduce distractions (a quiet workspace, limited screen time).
• Use gentle reminders (visual timers, post-it notes).
• Create accountability (“Let’s check in on your progress after 15 minutes”).
• Avoid overly strict parenting styles that can increase anxiety and shame around performance. (replacing “You need to get an A on this test or no screen time for a week” with “Let’s focus on your study process and understanding the material”)
• Create a bedtime wind-down routine like reading books, dimming lights, or playing calming music.

6. Encourage “good enough” work

Perfectionism can paralyze children. Teach them that done is better than perfect:

• Set “quick drafts” or “sloppy copies” as the goal.
• Praise effort, not just results (“I love how you tried a new approach”).
• Remind them that mistakes are part of learning.
• Embrace imperfect progress by showing that small, imperfect steps forward are valuable rather than waiting for ideal circumstances.

Final thoughts: raising resilient, self-motivated children

Helping children overcome procrastination isn’t about forcing them to be productive—it’s about teaching them to navigate discomfort, regulate emotions, and break overwhelming tasks into manageable steps.

By modeling self-compassion, breaking tasks down, creating supportive structures, and helping children connect with their future selves, parents can equip kids with lifelong skills to manage procrastination in healthy ways.

Frequently Asked Questions about procrastination for children

1. How does perfectionism lead to procrastination?

Kids afraid of making mistakes may delay tasks to avoid failure. Teaching them that mistakes help learning can reduce this fear.

2. Can social pressure make kids procrastinate?

Yes, fear of judgment or feeling “not good enough” can cause avoidance. Encouraging self-compassion helps break the cycle.

3. Why does my child struggle to start tasks?

Unclear instructions or overwhelming expectations can make starting difficult. Breaking tasks into small steps makes them manageable.

4. Why does my child procrastinate at bedtime?

They may feel they haven’t had enough fun, want to avoid tomorrow’s tasks, or use screens to cope with stress.

5. Does strict parenting reduce procrastination?

Overly strict rules increase anxiety and avoidance. Clear expectations and gentle accountability work better.

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Maybe you yell at your child, or swat or spank them – or perhaps you cope by either mentally or emotionally walking away from the situation.

Our ability to handle the ups and downs of parenting is dependent upon our ability to regulate our own emotions and our ability to build and maintain healthy relationships, and difficulty with emotional regulation makes parenting tough. Our children aren’t shy about letting us know about their needs (or what they don’t need, like the other half of that bowl of cereal even though they asked for it…).  This can feel really jarring to us because we were socialized to ignore our own needs – to the point that many of us have a hard time even identifying what are our own needs.

But if we regularly overreact when our child asserts their needs, ruptures in our relationship with our child may appear.  And when we’re in full flip-out mode over that bowl of cereal we aren’t modeling successful emotional regulation for our child, so they’re more likely to struggle to develop those skills themselves.

But there’s a lot you can do to regulate yourself more effectively, once you understand the reasons why you feel this way, and learn some simple tools to navigate situations that make you react explosively.

Haunted by the past

Trauma lives in the automatic response system of our brain.  Maybe a particular smell always makes you think of your grandmother or hearing a particular song reminds you of a friend whom you haven’t seen in years.

We might think we have difficulties digesting certain food, but some scientists think that this may actually be linked to a difficult emotional experience we had while eating that food – so maybe we feel nauseous when we smell calamari because they remind us of the fight we had with our spouse at the Italian restaurant.  And it might seem like we’re angry with our child for wasting food (don’t they know about the starving children?  And greenhouse gas emissions?!) which means they need to change their behavior, the actual cause of our explosive reaction lies within us parents.

When we have an oversized response to something – including our child’s behavior – that originates in a traumatic event we experienced at some other point in our lives, psychologists say we’re being “triggered”.  When triggered, people may find themselves reliving a traumatic event – or if this happened so long ago or our brain has blocked these memories, we might not even be able to identify the trigger.

When triggered, your body goes into fight, flight, freeze, or fawn mode (more about these later). These reactions can be useful during a traumatic event but when the trauma is long-past, changes that occurred in our brains and bodies during and after the trauma leave us with a legacy of health problems from cancer, heart disease, and respiratory disease to drug use and violence directed toward oneself and others.

Parenting is a tough job with often intense emotions. Even if we haven’t experienced trauma we may still have similar reactions to our child’s behavior known as emotional flooding, which is extremely common among parents.  This often flares up when our child does something that reminds us of how our own needs were not met (because they weren’t understood, or were understood but deliberately ignored) as children.  I hear from parents all the time who snap when their child argues, refuses to cooperate, doesn’t use appropriate manners, makes a mess, and wastes food – all of which we were likely punished for doing as children. Like trauma-related triggers, emotional flooding can make us unable to behave rationally.

Body and mind disconnect

You may have heard the brief history of the separation of body and mind that I described in my recent podcast episode on The Physical Reasons You Yell At Your Kids.  For thousands of years in Western culture the body has been thought of like a machine with parts that needed to be maintained so the overall whole looks and functions acceptably, and occasionally replaced when they broke down.  This view sees a separation between body and mind that intensified as we began to view brains essentially as computers that process information rationally – unless they’re defective or broken in some way.

Disconnection between mind and body is incredibly common. It is frequently the result of trauma, but it doesn’t have to be a trauma in the objective sense. There aren’t ‘legitimate’ or ‘illegitimate’ traumatic events. For some people, a job loss might be an inconvenience, while for others, it might be a traumatic event. We can’t change how we respond to the event by telling ourselves it wasn’t a big deal because the reaction we’re experiencing isn’t ‘in our head.’ The reaction is being experienced in our mind and our body.

Our automatic stress response

When we are flooded or triggered, our bodies are “thrown into an unnecessary state of survival mode that does not correspond to any actual or significant risk to survival or well-being.” Our bodies are disconnected from the reality of the situation we’re in.

We struggle to recognize our emotions and assess threats: our child leaving half a bowl of cereal uneaten does not represent an actual threat to us, even if we’re reacting as if it does.

Next, our bodies may go into fight, flight, freeze, or fawn mode. This is a response in our body that is designed to protect us from harm. It is instinctual. You’ve probably heard of fight or flight, where we prepare to attack or run, but additional automatic reactions have been identified. Sometimes people freeze; this is the deer in headlights response and can happen when we have no way out of a situation or when we aren’t able to figure out what is happening. The fawn response can be thought of as the people pleasing response and is often developed to protect us in a situation where we hope we can appease the person threatening us to prevent them from harming us.

The commonality across all of these responses is that they are automatic, and when these are activated our amygdala, which is sometimes referred to as the guard dog of the brain, springs into action to keep us safe.  That can prevent us from using our rational decision making process: our brain believes that we don’t have the luxury of being rational, so that part of our brain shuts down in favor of the fight, flight, freeze, or fawn response. Because the traumatic memories are disassociated in our brains, the memories, smells, tastes, sounds, and feelings are all disconnected. This is why people often don’t understand their reactions – and it seems like it’s the half-eaten bowl of cereal that’s the problem, when actually the problem lies deep within us.

It’s also worth noting that people who have experienced discrimination or persecution based on their race, religion, gender, or sexual preference may not have the luxury of knowing that they are safe.  The threats their bodies are trained to identify and respond to are not relics of the past that no longer serve them. The fear that their child’s behavior could provoke a tragic response from threats outside the home is not unfounded.

If we spend years living with a threat, our body may be stuck in a state of heightened alert. We may have anxiety, high blood pressure, or permanently tense muscles. This can have devastating health effects. While it is impossible to blame any one aspect of discrimination to the overall health of marginalized groups, there’s a goodd eal of evidence that the ongoing trauma caused by racism has negative health impacts on both children and adults.

For some of us, the over-active guard dog that’s still trying to protect us may need some retraining. As a result of past circumstances, it may still jump into action every time someone walks past on the sidewalk and isn’t actually trying to break into our house, and the chronic stress associated with this isn’t good for us – or for our relationship with our child.

Reconnecting our minds and bodies

To respond (rather than reacting) we have to reconnect our minds and bodies.

Slowly, research is changing the Western understanding of the mind-body connection. We now know that the mind and body are not separate entities, and the connection between them is important for health and wellness. Meditation, which takes many forms, has been associated with positive effects on physical and mental health and wellness. During meditation, people reconnect their minds with their bodies by observing what they’re experiencing through their senses (which are located in the body!) right now in the present moment.

One thing that can have an impact is to have physical experiences that directly contradict how our body is programmed to react. Dr. Bessel van der Kolk, author of The Body Keeps Score, gives the example of martial arts and yoga. In the martial arts, you learn and practice ways to protect and control your body, so you know and you feel that you are not helpless, this can help overcome the trauma that taught you you are helpless.

How to stop reacting explosively to your child’s behavior

There are two main approaches we can use to effectively regulate our emotions.

Top down emotional regulation involves changing our thought processes by developing deeper insight into their behaviors and past experiences. I don’t want to give the impression that this type of therapy is wrong or problematic – in fact, the insight we get from understanding why we feel a certain way can sometimes help us to be less impacted by situations we used to find difficult to navigate.

But many people find that there simply isn’t any space between their child’s behavior and their explosive reaction for them to choose the response they decided during therapy would be more constructive.  This is why we might fully comprehend that the way we’re reacting to our child’s behavior isn’t helpful (or aligned with our values as a parent), but still not be able to stop ourselves from doing it in the moment.

I worked with one parent who said it was like she was floating above herself yelling at her child – knowing she would be trying to repair the relationship in just a few minutes – but still unable to stop herself in the moment.  The top-down (brain-based) approach is more effective when it operates in conjunction with bottom-up (body-based) actions.

Bottom up emotional regulation involves taming the autonomic nervous system-actions our body takes without any direction from our rational brain-our heart rate, blood pressure, breathing, and digestion.

Using the bottom up strategy can be summed up with a word you’ve heard me say many times: mindfulness. With basic activities like breathing, moving, and touching, we can affect our body’s “involuntary” functions and improve our ability to remain rational and regulate our emotional responses. In getting out of the stories our brain is telling us about how we can’t cope with the situation, we realize that we can cope in this moment.  That there isn’t an emergency.  By working with our brain in this way, we can improve our emotional regulation.

This is something that can benefit all of us. I think everyone I know has lapses in emotional regulation – including me. It’s amazing how a little bit of growth in this area can have a really dramatic impact on our lives and families, and that’s why I created the Taming Your Triggers workshop.

This 10-week online workshop will help you understand the strong reactions you have to the little frustrations of parenting–unfinished cereal, backtalk, messes, and the insistence on having the “right” cup for their milk even if it is in the dishwasher and unavailable.

If you often find yourself triggered or flooded by your child’s behavior, you’ll find yourself in good company.  We’ll dig deeply so you can find the causes of your triggered feelings and understand these to bring the insight you need.  Then we’ll develop skills to create space between your child’s difficult behavior and your explosive reaction so you can respond to them effectively.

In the workshop you’ll learn:

• The real sources of your triggered/flooded feelings (which aren’t in your child’s behavior!);
• How to feel triggered less often;
• How to repair your relationship with your child on the fewer occasions when it does still happen.

The workshop is recommended by a Licensed Clinical Social Worker who counsels individuals who have experienced trauma and it’s not an exaggeration to say that participants who have engaged deeply with the content have experienced dramatic results.

Here’s what one real parent said about her experience:

“I can honestly say this is the most important and significant accomplishment I’ve had in my personal life… maybe ever.”

“Where do I start saying how this workshop has helped me? It has helped me to identify that I was even being triggered in the first place. I thought I was just an anxious person and there was no other way. Because of this workshop, I can now identify when I am triggered and step away from my narrow perspective, understand the root of the trigger from my past, and see the bigger picture including what my partner or child might be feeling and perceiving in that moment from me.

The whole workshop was really well structured to both give me insight and help find solutions that work for me. Now I understand much more about how the intergenerational trauma that has happened in my family is impacting my relationship with my son. And I had always known I had issues with my mom, but not the extent to which it affected me on an hourly basis – that module of content dropped a bomb on me that I never saw coming. I’m so glad that I learned tools in the workshop so I don’t have to be ruled by that any more. I also learned what hypoarousal is – I saw that I probably spent 50% of my time in this state and had no idea it was even a thing.

I still get triggered and give in to impulse every once in a while now, but FAR less often. What I’ve learned in the workshop has improved my relationship with both my child and husband and even my relationship with myself. I can honestly say this is the most important and significant accomplishment I’ve had in my personal life… maybe ever. I wish there was a way to fully convey the value that parents who are experiencing these feelings will get out of this workshop.

– A.H.

Your powerful feelings are not random and it’s not your fault that you’re having them – but even though it’s not your fault, you can still do a lot to help you navigate them more effectively. By boosting your own coping skills, you’ll increase the sense of calm in your home and become not only a model of emotion regulation, but of being imperfect, and recognizing that imperfection, and taking steps forward anyway – which gives our children ‘permission’ to do the same in their own struggles.

You’re not failing them…you’re helping them.

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1. Childhood anxiety affects millions of children and often manifests differently than in adults, appearing as behavioral problems rather than verbal expressions of worry.
2. Understanding your child’s anxiety helps you recognize behavior as communication and choose effective support strategies rather than punishing symptoms.
3. What are signs my child has anxiety? Look for increased emotionality, irritability, clinginess, regression, social withdrawal, sleep problems, perfectionism, and physical symptoms.
4. You can track your child’s anxiety symptoms by keeping a symptom journal noting behaviors, timing, and patterns to help identify trends and distinguish anxiety from other issues.
5. Support your anxious child by responding with empathy instead of punishment, validate feelings without enabling avoidance, and prepare for feared situations.
6. When should I seek professional help? If anxiety impairs daily life – affecting sleep, appetite, or preventing enjoyment of normal activities – consult a pediatrician or therapist.

[Note: This post was originally written in the context of COVID-19 lockdowns, and was updated in March 2025]

Childhood anxiety now affects millions of children across different ages and backgrounds. As parents, we may struggle to tell the difference between normal childhood worries and clinical anxiety symptoms that require attention. When I noticed my own daughter following me around the house and becoming unusually clingy, I initially misinterpreted these behaviors. Then I realized they might actually be signs of anxiety.

Children experience anxiety differently than adults. Their symptoms often manifest as behavioral problems rather than verbal expressions of worry. From separation anxiety and generalized anxiety disorder to social anxiety and specific phobias, these conditions can significantly impact a child’s development, learning, and overall wellbeing.

Our bodies are wired to keep us safe. When children sense danger or feel insecure, it becomes nearly impossible for them to function normally. This means they struggle to learn effectively and may revert to behaviors they had outgrown years ago.

Young children rarely have the emotional vocabulary to understand their feelings.  Even if they do know, they might not be willing to tell us their feelings.  This leaves parents with many questions:

• How do we recognize anxiety symptoms in children?
• What level of anxiety is developmentally appropriate?
• What strategies can help anxious children cope?
• And most importantly, how can we ensure we’re not unintentionally making their anxiety worse?

Understanding the clinical signs of childhood anxiety is crucial because they often differ from adult anxiety symptoms. Most children will experience some form of anxiety during their development. It’s essential for parents to learn effective coping strategies they can teach their children to overcome anxiety – tools that will serve them throughout their lives.

Why Understanding Child Anxiety Matters

There are two main reasons to learn more about your child’s potential anxiety:

1. Recognizing Behavior as Communication

Children rarely come to their parents and explain their worries. Rather, their anxiety comes out in ways that may look like ‘behavior problems’ that should be ‘fixed.’  This is a big reason why I don’t believe it’s appropriate to use tools like Time-out to address children’s ‘misbehavior.’

Researchers agree that we shouldn’t use tools like Time-out when children are dysregulated.  But if the vast majority of children’s ‘misbehavior’ is actually dysregulation, potentially caused by anxiety, when is Time-out ever appropriate?

Understanding that anxiety might be causing your child’s challenging behaviors may help you to reappraise the situation. Parent Diana reappraised her daughter’s behavior during our conversation on permissive parenting.  I was intentionally ‘rude’ to Diana, and she agreed that I was “dismissive” and “disrespectful.”  Then I provided some context for my rudeness, and Diana reappraised my behavior, and saw it as understandable.  She allowed me some grace, instead of feeling so frustrated about how I’d spoken to her.  (Jump to the 26:51 timestamp to go right there).

When I see that my daughter’s behavior is a result of anxiety, I can empathize with her.  This meets her deep need to feel heard and understood.  Even if nothing else about the situation changes, simply feeling heard can be enormously helpful in managing anxiety.

2. Choosing Effective Support Strategies

Once we’re more aware about our children’s experiences, we can choose strategies for helping children cope with their anxiety that are more likely to be useful. Often child anxiety is viewed as a behavioral problem to be solved.  Interventions may reinforce “good” behavior and ignore “bad” behavior.  The problem with this approach is that it never deals with the root cause of the anxiety. The behavior may change, the actual underlying feeling probably has not.

There is no silver bullet to blissful family life.  First, I’ll share 12 signs your child may be experiencing anxiety.  Then I’ll suggest some strategies to help you support your child, which may help you to meet more of your needs as well.

In some cases, professional intervention may be necessary. This article cannot be viewed as medical advice. Throughout this article, I hope to show you how to identify anxiety and decide when the time is right to seek professional help.

12 Signs Your Child May Be Experiencing Anxiety

1. Increased Emotionality

Emotional symptoms of anxiety are very common. Children may be excessively worried about themselves, friends, or family. They may worry about events before they happen, and they may worry about events that could happen.

2. Irritability

It’s hard to remember that irritability is a symptom of anxiety. This is a symptom that can sneak up on us. More frequent tantrums, outbursts, and whining could all be described as an increase in irritability. Many parents understandably find these behaviors quite irritating! But trying to get the child to change their behavior doesn’t actually address the root of the problem.

3. Clinginess

When COVID lockdowns started and my daughter followed me all over the house, I thought she was missing her friends and teachers. As time went on, I noticed that she wasn’t talking as much about her friends and teachers, but she still wanted to hang on me – which got pretty frustrating.

It wasn’t until I started researching for this post that it dawned on me—this clinginess isn’t just missing people – it could be an indication of anxiety. Her recent clinginess isn’t a surprise when I consider how different and confusing life has become for her.

After the World Trade Center Attack, researchers studying public school students in New York City found that rates of Separation Anxiety Disorder (SAD) increased.  They concluded,  “SAD should be considered among the conditions likely to be found in children after a large-scale disaster.”

4. Developmental Regression

Regression is so tough for parents. After working for months to get your child to sleep through the night in their own bed or use the toilet consistently, suddenly the problems are back! It’s so tough to maintain your composure. (Remember to be mindful!)

When children are confronted with something new or stressful, regression is a very typical reaction. Expressing empathy for your child – who also worked very hard to move past this behavior – is helpful in this instance. Let your child know that when things change, it’s normal for kids to ‘forget’ things they’ve already learned.

Even if you’d strongly prefer that they not do the regressive behavior, try to accept the child in front of you.  When we compare ourselves to other parents who’ve got their act together, we often feel shame.  (And that shame doesn’t help us to get our act together.)

When we compare our child to their siblings, or theoretical children who don’t do this annoying thing, they may feel shame.  (And it doesn’t help them stop doing the annoying thing.)  When we accept them as they are, they grow up with a sense of right-ness in themselves, knowing that they are lovable exactly as they are.  Many of the thousands of parents I’ve worked with wish so badly that their own parents had been able to see them in this way.

5. Social Withdrawal

Even shy children typically engage with close friends and family. Pay attention if your child seems to be engaging less frequently with familiar people or avoiding family activities.

Withdrawal on its own doesn’t indicate that a child is anxious. There is research that indicates withdrawal has a connection to anxiety and other mental health concerns. We also know that social connection is one of the key resilience-building strategies. Withdrawal from social connections could have negative consequences later on.

6. Apathy

When children lose interest in activities or foods they usually really enjoy, it’s a sign that something might be wrong. This is a tough problem because if you ask the child to explain their change in attitude, you’re likely to just get a shoulder shrug in response.  It isn’t necessarily anxiety, but it could be. It’s worth exploring with a qualified professional.

7. Problems sleeping

Difficulty falling asleep or staying asleep, possibly due to nightmares, is a significant red-flag for anxiety. Difficult sleep can also compound the effects of anxiety because we don’t function as well without proper sleep. If your child is having trouble sleeping, chances are high that they are or will start to display other symptoms simply because there is so much overlap.

Difficulty sleeping could be caused by factors other than anxiety. Exposure to blue light (screens) before bed and bedtime routine inconsistency can all cause sleep disruptions.

8. Appetite Changes

A change in appetite might be hard to identify since children are always growing and the things they like can change from one week to the next. Appetite can fluctuate under normal conditions.

A change that is significant enough to make them lose weight, especially if they are very young, will require intervention. Get in touch with your pediatrician if your child is losing weight.

9. Physical Symptoms

Physical problems won’t always be present, but look out for several potential issues.   The symptoms we commonly associate with panic attacks can occur in children with anxiety: shortness of breath, rapid heart rate, shaking, dizziness, and sweating. They might also just seem tired or worn out most of the time.

Headaches and stomachaches are some of the most common physical symptoms children display. These can also be symptoms of physical problems besides anxiety, so it’s important to get them checked out.

10. Restlessness/Inattention

I put restlessness and inattention together because they have a lot in common. Anxiety makes it hard for children to stick with anything—mentally or physically.

They have intrusive thoughts about whatever they are scared about. Both inattention and restlessness are also symptoms of ADHD, so anxiety can easily be mistaken for and misdiagnosed as ADHD.

11. Perfectionism

Perfectionism frequently occurs in children with anxiety.  Perfectionism isn’t considered a diagnostic symptom, so a physician wouldn’t diagnose anxiety because a child is a perfectionist, but there is a significant correlation between the two.

12. ‘Disrespectful’ Behavior

When I use the word ‘disrespectful,’ I’m thinking of a few behaviors. Primarily, I’m thinking of ‘not listening.’ This can be code for ‘not doing what I tell them to do.’

The child may be distracted or unfocused. They may refuse to do what you ask because this keeps your attention on them for longer – and they have a need for connection.  

They may also speak to you using words or in a tone you don’t like, because they feel overwhelmed by family life and don’t know how to express this.

If you haven’t seen many of the other symptoms on this list in your child besides ‘disrespectful behavior,’ you will likely find the Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits workshop helpful.  You’ll learn how to set limits your child will respect – as well as set way fewer limits than you ever thought possible.

Tracking Anxiety Symptoms

If  you’re seeing some of these symptoms and you’re considering reaching out to a professional, try keeping a symptom journal first.  There are phone apps that make it easy to do this, or you can track in a journal. When tracking, make note of the date and time you notice behaviors. You can track incidents like crying spells or angry outbursts as well as daily trends—lethargic all day; bouncing off the walls all afternoon.

Keeping this journal is important because anxiety can look like other things. We’re all aware that sleepy or hungry children will inevitably try our patience. Anxiety can look a lot like sleep deprivation and hunger. To compound the confusion, anxiety can also cause sleep deprivation and hunger.

Within a week or two you will have enough data to identify trends. This will help your child’s pediatrician to direct you to appropriate resources if necessary.

Effective Approaches for Supporting Your Anxious Child

1. Treat anxiety-driven behaviors with validation and empathy

It’s easy to see how several of the anxiety symptoms can be mistaken for ‘irritating behavior.’ For example, if a child is crying ‘for no reason’ an adult might interpret the crying as attention-seeking behavior that they don’t want to encourage. This might lead an adult to ignore the behavior or walk away from the child, when what they need most of all in that moment is validation.

If instead we view the crying ‘for no reason’ as actually being caused by the child’s anxiety, we understand that the child is not just trying to get something from us, they are struggling to meet their needs for safety. The child might not be fully conscious of the need, or able to articulate it verbally.

“Back-talk,” crying, angry outbursts, and other symptoms of anxiety can be cries for help. When we see them this way, we will respond differently than if we view them as deliberate behavioral choices that we have to discourage. When we perceive the deeper cause of the behavior – the anxiety – and focus on addressing the cause rather than the surface behavior (like the crying), we realize the need for empathy and validation  in our response.

When we react to anxiety-driven behaviors with empathy, we help our child to develop self-regulation. Instead of quickly telling them not to worry because everything is ok, we can help them recognize and understand their emotions. This is an important step toward developing emotion regulation skills.

2. Validate Without Enabling

When children express anxiety, we can try not to say things that might arouse shame in them.

If they could do the thing we were asking, they probably would.  We can explore what it is about the situation that’s hard for them, and see if there are ways to make it easier.

They might be willing to go to a new class accompanied by a friend, or to try a sport that’s related to one they already play rather than something completely different.  We can allow them to take comfort objects with them when they go into stressful situations.  If they struggle with large groups of people, we might see if we can get to a party early when there are fewer people around.  We can see if we can meet a new teacher before the first day of class.  All of these actions can support children in navigating their anxiety effectively, and seeing that it can be managed.

3. Address Fears Through Preparation

We can address our child’s fears by teaching them to be prepared. Some children will feel better understanding the safest way to respond to a crisis they are imagining. Doing a fire drill or acting out a scenario where they have to find help can be very powerful.

Uncertainty can be very frightening. Walking through what would happen in an emergency is reassuring for children. For example, if they are scared of you dying, you can tell them that while you have no intention of dying, they will be ok even if it happened. When my daughter asked me what would happen if her dad and I died, I told her who she would go live with. Knowing what would happen in a worst-case scenario did seem to give her some comfort.

4. Harness the Power of Play

My favorite tool to combat anxiety is play. During play, our brains are thinking, planning, and organizing information. The state of mind we use when we play pushes out the anxious state of mind.

Remember that play is a broad term. You don’t have to do pretend play or search Pinterest for ideas. You can clean up toys or eat a snack in a playful way. My daughter and I have had hours of play rolling a bouncy ball around our living room. There’s no need to make an enormous mess or an elaborate plan.

5. Incorporate Music and Movement

We can also fight anxiousness with music and movement. Dancing to music you enjoy can be a powerful experience. You’re likely to notice new things in your surroundings on a walk. This gives you something to think about other than the thing that’s provoking the anxiety.

By moving our focus from our head to our body, we give our mind a break from worry. Movement is a well-established strategy for maintaining mental health.

When to Seek Professional Help

To be clear, this article does not substitute for professional help. I’ve provided a few strategies that may help you manage mild symptoms of anxiety. No one can provide sound advice regarding your child’s mental health without direct consultation.

When I spoke to developmental psychologist Dr. Mona Delahooke, my major takeaway was this:

If there’s no impairment or impact on the child’s life, then you don’t need to worry. Professionals look for impairment. If the child’s life is impaired, it is time to intervene. If your child’s symptoms are interfering with daily life, I encourage you to reach out to your pediatrician or a child therapist. For example, not getting enough sleep or food can have serious health consequences. If your child is too scared or worried to enjoy a trip to the park or family game night, then the anxiety is getting in the way of their daily life.

If not, then it may well resolve in the coming weeks and months as your child’s brain develops and they begin to access new strategies to manage their worries. And now you have some new strategies to try in supporting them on this journey.

Frequently Asked Questions About Child Anxiety

1. How does anxiety show up differently in children compared to adults?
Unlike adults, children often can’t verbalize their worries. Instead, anxiety often manifests as behavioral problems like increased clinginess, irritability, or what might appear as “disrespectful” behavior. Children rarely come to parents explaining their worries directly, so our work is to see beneath the ‘disrespect’ and find ways to help the child meet their need for safety.

2. What are some physical symptoms of anxiety in children?
Physical symptoms can include headaches, stomachaches, shortness of breath, rapid heart rate, shaking, dizziness, and sweating. Children might also seem constantly tired or worn out. These symptoms should be medically evaluated as they could indicate other conditions besides anxiety.

3. Is my child’s perfectionism related to anxiety?
Yes, perfectionism frequently occurs in children with anxiety. While perfectionism isn’t used alone to diagnose anxiety, there is a significant correlation between the two. If your child shows perfectionist tendencies alongside other anxiety symptoms, it may be worth exploring further.

4. How can I support my child without enabling their anxiety?
It’s important to distinguish between ‘enabling’ and supporting children.  In a behaviorist-based system, we might say that a child who struggles with loud noise at lunchtime is being ‘enabled’ if they’re allowed to escape to a quieter place.  We can also see how allowing them to eat in a quieter place can help them to feel more regulated, so they’re less explosive later in the day.  Strategies like bringing a comfort object, arriving early to events (so there are fewer people around, if your child has social anxiety) or meeting new teachers before the school year help children learn to manage anxiety rather than avoid it.

5. What role does play have in managing child anxiety?
Play is a powerful tool for combating anxiety. During play, the brain is thinking, planning, and organizing information in a way that naturally pushes out anxious thoughts. Even simple activities like rolling a ball around the living room or cleaning up toys in a playful way can help shift a child’s mental state away from anxiety.

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I didn’t really even have any words to fully explain it; I had half an idea that something wasn’t fully right but I was too focused on getting over it and moving on to really know that there was anything more that I should understand about this.

During a conversation with my friend, who was not someone I considered to be ‘emotional,’ he told me he felt like he’d been hit by a bus. He described the tightness he felt in his throat all the time, and the constriction in his ribs, and how he felt these were connected to the emotional loss he had just experienced. 

When my friend said he was experiencing physical issues as well (even though his exact experience was different from mine) – as a result of a psychological situation – I found it incredibly validating. 

I wasn’t making it up. 

My body ached, and I was feeling lost and vulnerable and wounded, and it WAS connected to the break-up. The exact same thing was happening to my friend. 

In a way, I hadn’t fully connected how I was feeling physically to the break-up.  And the part of me that was aware of it was embarrassed about letting it ‘get to me.’  After all, I consider myself to be a pretty rational person, and this relationship clearly wasn’t going anywhere so it was for the best that we ended it now.  

And yet…I still had this ever-present aching that I wouldn’t have even thought to try to understand in any greater depth – I didn’t even know I could understand it in any greater depth.  

It was like I didn’t even trust myself to identify my own physical sensations, and that these were trying to tell me something about my experience.

Is it all in your head?

There’s a persistent myth in our society that causes us to disconnect our bodies from our brains; we see them as two separate systems.  When our bodies are sick we go to our general practitioner. When our minds feel unwell we go to a psychiatrist. And since both of these doctors usually avoid discussing each other’s issues, we ourselves don’t see the connection between what’s happening in our bodies and our minds.

This issue is, of course, compounded by the stigma that says when physical ailments are connected to psychological factors, they are less valid than other ‘real’ ailments. We don’t even connect physical problems like heart disease and Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease to psychological challenges we might have faced decades before, even though the links between the two are well-understood by scientists and doctors. The implication is that if we are suffering physically because of something psychological, it’s our own fault. We aren’t tough enough.

We are supposed to be in control of our emotions. 

Of course, being ‘in control’ of our emotions looks a lot like pretending they don’t exist.

This belief encourages us to separate our minds from our bodies, and it ignores what centuries of wisdom and modern science prove: the mind and body are inextricably linked.

Yoga has more than 5,000 years of history. To the yogi, the fact that your mind can influence the functioning of your body is obvious. 

Thanks to a growing body of research, the medical profession is gradually realizing that “the causes, development, and outcomes of an illness are determined by the interaction of psychological, social, and cultural factors with biochemistry and physiology.” 

When I think about what science has proven about the long-term effects of childhood trauma on our health, I’m amazed that there was ever a time when the connection between our minds and our bodies was brought into question.  It is even possible to map the places in the body where we feel different emotions. 

Many of us were taught to apply logic to our feelings; to cognitively understand them so we can ‘fix’ them.  This can be helpful, but it ignores an entirely different avenue that’s available to us to process our emotions in a way that is sensational, emotional, and intuitive.

Continuing the body/brain divide: applying logic to emotions

In their book The Whole-Brain Child, Drs. Dan Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson talks about the problem of ‘dis-integration.’ When the different areas of our brain – like the logical reasoning and emotional areas – aren’t integrated, we aren’t able to think rationally about our problems. As parents, he says, we can learn some simple techniques to help our children’s brains integrate. When our children’s brains are integrated, they will be more able to manage their emotions.

Everything that we experience impacts the ‘wiring’ in our brain structure. Children’s brains develop rapidly, but it doesn’t stop when they reach adulthood. Your brain is still developing as well.

According to Siegel and Bryson, well-being is dependent on our ability to stay in a place of balance between chaos and rigidity. When we’re cut off in traffic, or when our child is pushed out of the way on the playground, it feels chaotic. The rules are being broken. Our world isn’t predictable. As a result, we may swing as far away from the chaos as possible and become very rigid. Suddenly we’re angry about people who forget a turn signal or children who are running too fast.

We need to get back to a place of balance, or flow, where we are flexible, adaptive, and stable.

Brain development, of course, is very complex, so Siegel and Bryson simplify it. They tell us that the left side of the brain is focused on logic and order, while the right side is more emotional and whimsical. The left side is verbal, while the right side is non-verbal and experiential. Children develop first on the right side of the brain. Their language isn’t yet developed, so they are more dependent on feelings and images. 

To manage big emotions, we need to help our children integrate the different areas of their brains. We want children to find the balance between emotions and logic; between chaos and rigidity.

One of the main strategies Siegel and Bryson recommend using with young children is called “name it to tame it.” To use this strategy, parents engage their children in telling the story of an event that the child found upsetting. This takes the event from a completely emotional, experience-based memory and applies order to the experience. As the child tells the story, they sort out the order of events and put the experience into words. They draw the experience from being entirely right-brained and chaotic using words and logic. Now they are able to have an integrated perspective and approach the situation more logically.

Telling the story of an event helps us make sense of the world and our place in it.

Should emotions be tamed?

When children are thinking about an event purely in terms of the emotions they experienced, the emotions are overwhelming. When we help them put the event into words, they are able to make sense of the emotions. 

I do think that storytelling is an incredibly valuable tool to use with children, but the way the “name it to tame it” strategy is presented presumes the superiority of reason and logic over being with the physical sensations and emotions. The authors are apparently unknowingly buying into the terms of a patriarchal society, in which emotion is inferior to reason and logic. Emotions need to be ‘named and tamed’ so we can get back to communicating on a ‘rational’ basis again. 

To explain my thinking, I want to put us on the same page with regard to the word ‘patriarchy,’ since this is commonly conflated with the idea of ‘man-hating.’ When I’m speaking of patriarchy, I’m referring to an underlying force in our society. 

This is the force that defines human characteristics as either masculine or feminine, equates male with masculine and female with feminine, and then and prioritizes the masculine over the feminine.

Patriarchy tells us that experiencing emotions is feminine; communicating using logic is masculine. 

Looking inward and understanding intuitively are feminine; looking outward and taking an active stance are masculine.

Tenderness, kindness, and nurturing are feminine; confidence, discipline, and being assertive are masculine.

Both boys and girls experience the force of the patriarchy as they grow up. This isn’t an idea that says all men are bad or pits women against men. It’s the idea that our culture isn’t working for us as humans. Feelings are not feminine. Thoughts are not masculine. Feelings are human. Thoughts are human. And one isn’t superior to the other.

While “name it to tame it” has been shown to help people to regulate their emotions, the assumption that the physical experience of the emotion, as well as the emotion itself, have nothing to tell us, is flawed.  In fact, the dissociation between our brains and our physical sensations and emotions creates enormous problems for us as we age. The longer we ignore the signals our body is trying to tell us, the harder the body tries to work to convey its message.  We feel distressed – and we can’t tell why!

Using mindfulness to understand big feelings

So what can we as parents do to help our children learn to manage their feelings and yet still teach our children that what they feel in their bodies and minds has just as much to tell them about their experience as what they can put into words? 

How can we support our children in understanding the knowledge of their bodies and emotions that they intuitively already possess (remember, these skills develop before the logical/verbal ones!)?

How do we help our children with their big feelings without subtly teaching them that logic is superior to feelings and all the patriarchal baggage that goes with that idea?

Rather than trying to tame emotions, I think we teach our children to notice their emotions. We teach them that experiencing their emotions – even when they feel difficult – is a useful practice.  The book Dancing With Life by Phillip Moffitt provides some guidance that I find helpful with my daughter – as well as for myself.

When something goes wrong for a child, their feelings can spiral out of control. What starts out as, “I don’t want to brush my teeth,” becomes, “it isn’t fair that I have to brush my teeth, and it isn’t fair that I have to share a room! My sister annoys me. No one else has to share a room. I just want to have my own room so my sister can’t break all my stuff the way she broke my necklace. I loved that necklace! I’m never going to get another necklace as beautiful as that one and my sister broke it!”

While we might feel that the child is overblowing their frustration, we need to accept that these kinds of things are a big deal in a child’s life – just like your struggles are a big deal to you. We can express empathy by saying, “It is really frustrating when we have to do something we don’t want to do. I don’t like it either.” 

Then we can use mindfulness-related techniques by asking them where they feel the frustration in their bodies (is it a rock in their stomach?  A tightening in their throat?). We aren’t necessarily trying to stop them from feeling frustrated. We want them to put 5% of their focus on naming the emotion, and the other 95% on just being with the experience of frustration in their body.  

Then as they practice this over time, they will begin to notice the rock in their stomach or the tightening in their throat, they can think “Oh, I know this.  This is frustration. When I’m frustrated I can…[insert tools that we’ve previously discussed with our child, like taking a break, asking an adult for help, or trying a different approach to the issue].”  The felt physical sensation and the emotion become important tools our children can use to better understand themselves, not just things that have to be named and tamed on the way to logically reasoning the problem away.

Introducing emotional and body awareness to children

This technique will take time to practice (perhaps your whole lives!). Don’t be surprised or discouraged if they say – or scream – that they don’t know what they’re feeling; after all, up until now we haven’t been using this language and might not even have known that it was important ourselves.

There are some things parents can do to support this new way of approaching big feelings.

Ask the child where in their body they feel ‘good’ feelings. Ask them where they feel excitement, pride, and surprise. Ask about where they feel embarrassment, nervousness, and jealousy. 

Some children will struggle to find the words they need to answer your questions. You can have them point to places where their body feels different. Another strategy is to ask yes or no questions. Do you feel it in your feet? Do you feel it in your knees? Do you feel it in your stomach? By following the same logical sequence when you ask these questions you’ll be teaching them how to do a body scan, which is a key tool that parents can use too to better understand the body-mind connection.

Talking to your child about feelings when they are calm is also important (and may initially be more effective than trying to do it in the moment).  When your child comes running to you with stiff limbs that are vibrating with anger because another child ripped a page out of their sticker book, you can first empathize and then work to fix the book, and while you’re doing that you can chat about what they experienced when they felt angry and how fast their experience of this emotion shifted.

Books provide a great opportunity for discussing emotions. Not only do they show situations that children can relate to, but in many cases illustrations support the idea that we experience feelings in our bodies. Characters might have red faces or even smoke coming out of their ears when they are angry. They might be slumped over when they are very sad. They stand up straight when they are proud.  You don’t need any special books to work on this but if you’d like one, we found Listening to My Body to be particularly useful.

You can also work with your child to learn to describe different sensations. You can offer choices of ways to describe a sensation. Is the feeling big or small? Is it hot or cold? Is it sharp or dull? You can invite your child to draw a picture of what their body feels like.

By allowing and encouraging your child to acknowledge their emotions and explore them, you’re encouraging them to use their whole self, not just their rational mind, to process their emotions, which takes the ideas presented in The Whole-Brained Child to the next level. Siegel and Bryson encourage teaching children to develop the left – logical – side of their brains so they can tame their emotions. I’m also in favor of using our right-brained tools to help us better understand ourselves.

When we teach our children to sit explore their emotions and understand how their bodies are functioning, we’re developing the right side of the brain. If we’re focused on applying logic and pulling emotions from the ‘messy’ right side of the brain into the ‘orderly’ left side of the brain, we’re implying that one side is better than the other. To truly use a whole-brain approach, we need to develop both sides of the brain equally and see the value and validity of both the rational and the emotional.

Many of us are just learning about patriarchy and the fact that we (women) have likely been ignoring the signals that our bodies have been trying to tell us for years – or even decades – by now.  By uncovering this information now, and by helping our children to understand the connection between their bodies and their emotions, we are equipping them for a lifetime of understanding themselves in a way that was never even an option for us.  Our children won’t have to question their own emotions or wonder why they have these physical sensations that are trying to tell them something but they just don’t know how to figure out what.

In a way I’m almost jealous of my daughter for this – but I’m also incredibly grateful that she will get to live her life more fully than I have been able to do.  My hope is that we will support each other in developing this understanding together.

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Resilience is often thought of as the ability to ‘bounce back’ from bad situations; it’s what enables us to move past our trauma and heal. Some people seem to have natural resilience, but it is something we have the capacity to develop and strengthen. Building our resilience will help us as individuals, and it will increase our ability to parent the way we want to. Importantly, by taking steps to improve our lives, we’re also modeling self-care, good habits, and self-improvement for our children.

What helps us to develop resiliency?

If we imagine our trauma on one end of a see-saw and our coping skills and resiliency factors on the other end, we can visualize how resilience and coping skills help balance the effects of the trauma.  Research from the Harvard Center on the Developing child has identified four key factors that help develop resilience. These factors interact with our biology in complex ways, but we’ll focus here on what we can control.  These four methods of developing resilience work for both children who have recently experienced trauma and adults for whom it is a more distant yet still intrusive memory.

1. Relationships

Having one or more stable, positive, supportive caregivers is the factor most likely to support the development of resilience in children. A relationship with a safe, positive adult can be a buffer that protects children from developmental disruption.  In fact, it’s best for children if they have a few adults they can trust to keep them safe and love them unconditionally. If you didn’t have this relationship with an adult during or shortly after your trauma, then this could be an important reason why this experience has had an outsized impact on your life.

We can use some specific techniques for developing relationships with our children and others which are helpful for all children, but but their effects are particularly important in building resilience that can act as a buffer for trauma that occurs anytime in life.  If a child demonstrates interest in something or makes an attempt to interact with an adult, the way the adult responds is critical. When we respond positively, we help children learn about the world and demonstrate that we value their thoughts and feelings. Sharing your child’s interest is incredibly powerful. By looking at the object that interests them, encouraging them with smiles, giving the child words to describe what they see we show children that we care about them as individuals. Keep these interactions interactive by allowing wait time after your response and letting the child take the lead. Don’t try to force extended attention if they’ve moved on.

If a child has already experienced some trauma, there are additional techniques to try. The top priority is ensuring safety and reassuring the child that they are safe. Children also benefit from calm adults who try to maintain a normal routine as much as possible. It may be tempting to try to hide a traumatic event from a child and make up a story that seems less upsetting, but experts warn against this practice. It helps children to hear about what happened from a person they trust. Keep the explanation brief and developmentally appropriate, but don’t lie to the children. As their trusted adult, they need to know they can rely on you to tell them the truth.

It’s also important to ask the children questions. They may be worried about things you didn’t think to talk to them about. One friend of mine had to go put down her dog. While she was gone, her daughter asked her dad when the dog was coming home. He explained that the dog wasn’t going to be coming home. The next question she asked was, “Is Mommy coming home?” Children don’t understand events in the same way adults do. They may come to terrifying conclusions that never occurred to us.

2. Autonomy

When children believe they have some autonomy over their circumstances, they are more likely to develop resilience. This is accomplished by giving children choices, treating them with respect, and helping them recognize the relationship between their actions and the consequences.

When we develop supportive relationships with children, as discussed above, we show that we value them as people. We are part of the child’s environment, so when we respond to them, we show them that what they do impacts their environment. This doesn’t mean they are controlling or manipulating us. Giving comfort when they are upset, addressing their needs, and engaging with them in two-way interactions shows them that their actions have an effect on the environment around them.

Giving children some responsibility and having them help with tasks they can do successfully also instills a sense of self-efficacy, or control. Putting toys away and helping you with chores shows them that they are part of the family and that their actions make a meaningful contribution to family life.

3. Learning

We can give children the opportunity to learn how to regulate their own behavior and build the skills they need in life. Young children need to learn things like how to zip their coats, tie their shoes, and take care of their bodies. When they get older, children need to learn how to get a job, drive a car, and manage their money. This allows them to be independent.

Learning is integrally connected to supportive relationships and control. When we are talking with children and including children in chores, we are helping them learn about the world. When we take turns with them and offer comfort, we are teaching them how people interact with each other in ways that are respectful and caring.

4. Spiritual and cultural community and support

Being part of a group gives children a sense of identity. This is particularly important when they aren’t getting hope, support, or a positive self-image from their immediate family. If you belong to a spiritual or cultural community, this is probably already part of your child’s life.

Teaching tolerance for spiritual and cultural communities and sharing a philosophy of life is one way will also be helpful. Focusing on the importance of living out your beliefs, learning from mistakes,  and striving for self-improvement would also fit into this category.

You can also accomplish this by establishing family traditions and participating in community groups and events. Friends and mentors can be an important source of support as well – children may well find that connecting with another adult through a shared interest allows them the space they need to open up about the struggles they are facing.

Overcoming your own trauma

While you may be able to do some work by yourself, many people need professional support to work through their Adverse Childhood Experiences.  As with most things, none of these methods are ‘guaranteed’ to work; what works best for one person may not work for another. Time does tend to help us heal, but if we aren’t proactive about our healing, time alone will probably not help us overcome our trauma and create the lives we want. The activities that follow may help this process along.

Disclaimer: This information should not be considered medical or psychiatric advice and is not a substitute for professional services.

1. Tell your story

When you explore your feelings and reflect on your experiences you may be able to make some sense of things. Making sense of the trauma does not imply there was a reason for it or that it was ultimately a good thing to go through.

When you tell your story, it doesn’t have to be something shared publicly. It doesn’t have to be shared at all, but it certainly could be something you work on with support from a trusted friend, a therapist or counselor, or a support group. In fact, some experts warn that the practice of writing your story can open up old wounds and retraumatize victims in some cases. Before diving in to writing your trauma narrative, consider if this should be done with support from a therapist.

At the heart of telling your story is building awareness. When you tell your story, you increase awareness of what happened. In addition to building your awareness of the past, you need to build awareness of the present – tell the story of where you are right now.  If you can, write down what you can remember about your traumatic experience.  Don’t edit; just write for twenty minutes.  If you finish before the time is up, just start over – new details may come out the second time around.

Handwriting (instead of typing) increases the benefit of this strategy. Research shows that when people write their trauma stories down, they actually experience fewer physical problems and less psychological distress than if they just thought about their trauma.

2. Practice mindfulness

I hope I don’t sound like a broken record since I know I’ve mentioned the benefits mindfulness before, but the research is quite clear on its benefits. One strategy many people find helpful is to focus on gratitude.

You could include your child in developing a habit of gratitude. This is part of my evening routine with my daughter. After stories, we spend a minute talking about things we’re grateful for. It started with just me telling her I was grateful for her, then it developed.

We reflect on the day and discuss some of the good things that happened. We talk about how nice it is to have a bed to sleep in where she can get a good night’s sleep and prepare her mind and body tomorrow’s adventures. Recently, she’s started contributing. If I mention how we’re grateful for some people we visited that day, she’s quick to point out that I’ve forgotten to be grateful for their pets. We also practice sending ‘good wishes’ out to people in the world – both friends and family, and humanity in general.  Hearing her contributions does wonders for my mood!

3. Take care of yourself

Self-care is a phrase that is thrown around a lot, and advertisers would have us believe it’s all about getting massages, taking bubble baths, and burning lavender scented candles. That’s all fine if you want to do that, but please don’t think that is the full picture of self-care. Many of us are so focused on caring for others in our lives, that we need to get more fundamental about self-care.

When I think of self-care, the first thing that comes to mind is health.

Are you taking care of your own health? This means getting your annual physical, going to the dentist, keeping up-to-date with preventative screenings and taking prescribed medicine.

Are you eating right and getting enough sleep?

Are you wearing clothes that fit?

Do you make time to speak with (or better yet, visit) friends and family who you care about?

I know plenty of parents who neglect these basic elements of self-care, and research actually shows how important this is.

4. Seek connections and support

Being a parent can be a very lonely job. Even those of us lucky enough to have a partner at home may find we spend very little time in adult conversation. If we don’t make a conscious effort to make and maintain connections, we become isolated very quickly. This is particularly true for those in need of healing. If you are a trauma survivor, it’s harder to maintain social connections. You may not have a good relationship with your family. You may be coping with depression, anxiety, or physical illness that makes socializing harder.

Try to identify some way to increase your connection with others. Maybe you can schedule times to call old friends, find a support group, or connect with others through a shared interest. Lots of communities have softball leagues or city bands. Sometimes there are clubs that meet at libraries to play games or study books.  There are often groups of parents who connect on social media and plan gatherings that include parents and children, and while the children play together the parents actually get time to talk.

5. Cultivate positivity and hope

We have to maintain hope. Dwelling on negativity and ruminating on problems can eventually make us hopeless. There’s no need for blind optimism. We don’t need to pretend life is a ‘bowl of cherries’ if it isn’t, but we do need to find some way to have hope for a better future. One of the best ways to do this is by reframing our thinking, and to let go of trying to control things that we really can’t control.

Here’s how this can work:

Negative thought: My child is so defiant. This will lead to a terrible future for them and me!

Reframed thought: My child won’t be pushed around by others in this world. They will stand-up for themselves. They have such a bright future!

Negative thought: I have told them not to do that 100 times. Why are they still doing it? They are purposely pushing my buttons!

Reframed though: My child has perseverance! They stick with a task that’s meaningful to them.

Negative thought: My child is so loud. This is embarrassing.

Reframed thought: My child is confident and has a commanding voice that won’t be ignored. A powerful voice is an invaluable tool for a leader!

Negative thought: My child won’t finish their food. This is so wasteful.

Reframed thought: My child stops eating when they are full. If only we could all do that! They are in touch with their bodily needs. (Or, “I guess I the next meal is already made, that makes my life easier!”)

Another way to cultivate positivity and hope is to learn to give and receive compliments. Look for things other people do well and give them a compliment. Look for things you’ve done well, and make note of them. When someone gives you a compliment, don’t deflect it. Just say thank you.

Focus on things that make you feel positive and limit things that bring you down. If looking at everyone’s perfect life on Facebook makes you feel inadequate, don’t look at it. If the news makes you hopeless about the future, don’t pay so much attention to it.

Find ways to resolve feelings of guilt. Some trauma survivors develop a habit of feeling guilty. We may have blamed ourselves for what happened. This may have become a pattern. Are you blaming yourself for something that you can’t control?

One day I heard someone mention that she had recently realized she wasn’t responsible for solving world hunger and it was very freeing. At first, I thought, that’s ridiculous. Of course you aren’t personally responsible for ridding the world of hunger. Why would you have ever thought that?

Then I looked at some of the guilt I was carrying. We’re often inundated with worthy causes to support. I was feeling bad about my failure to contribute money or time to multiple causes, contributing to global warming, and patronizing businesses with unethical practices. When I started to consider all the things I felt guilty about, I realized the list of things I felt responsible for was absurd. Releasing yourself from an inflated sense of responsibility will help you let go of negativity and cultivate positivity.

Learn to Tame Your Triggers

If you’d like to work with a supportive community to put these ideas into practice, I hope you’ll consider joining the Taming Your Triggers Workshop. In this workshop, you’ll learn:

• What is a trigger, and how to identify yours;
• Where triggers come from – examining previously experienced trauma, as well as the stresses of daily life;
• How to stop feeling triggered in the first place, and respond more effectively on the fewer occasions when you are still triggered;
• How to recognize when you’re in a frame of mind that makes you susceptible to being triggered, and take specific steps to make yourself more trigger-proof;
• How to help your child WANT to cooperate with you, so you don’t have to lose your cool.

The workshop takes place over a period of ten weeks. You’ll get:

• A concise weekly email explaining a new content and offering some homework to practice
• Access to our private, not-on-Facebook community where your interactions with other parents and caregivers on the same journey will accelerate your own learning and progress
• The option to be matched with an AccountaBuddy to hold you (gently!) accountable to complete the content, where you will likely also form a deeply supportive relationship
• Group coaching calls with me (available for an additional fee).

By the end of the workshop, you will:

• Understand why your child’s behavior leaves you so frustrated and angry (hint: it isn’t really about your child!);
• Feel triggered less often;
• Know what to do on those occasions when you are still triggered, and how to use them as a way to deepen your relationship with your child;
• Use these interactions with your child to model problem-solving skills that your child can use throughout their lives.

Click the banner to learn more.

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“Although the world is full of suffering, it is full also of the overcoming of it.”

Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs) hadn’t been formally named and studied yet back in Helen Keller’s day (the landmark study was published in 1998), but she still recognized both trauma and resilience in the world.

We all have oddities, habits, or beliefs we can trace back to our parents. One friend I have saves used cottage cheese and yogurt containers to put leftovers in. She washes them out by hand and has stacks of them in her cupboard. She uses them occasionally, but I don’t see how she could ever use all of them. Reducing waste and recycling are great habits, but this is a bit out of control. She’s confessed to me that her parents always saved containers, and it’s just something she’s always done. I suspect her husband throws them away sometimes when she’s not home, or her house would be completely overrun! This is a harmless example of a habit passed down through generations, but not all things passed down are harmless.

When people have a childhood filled with trauma, they are far more likely to have all sorts of problems as adults. Blaming our parents for all our adult problems isn’t the solution here, but acknowledging our childhood trauma is an important part of the healing process. In many cases, trauma is unintentionally inflicted on children by adults who are struggling with their own trauma from the past.

In this post, I’ll explain Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs) and discuss some of the ways trauma from a person’s childhood impacts their life and their own parenting. My next post will discuss strategies for building resilience – for both you and your child. I’ll also tell you about a workshop I’m offering called Taming Your Triggers to support you on your healing journey.

What are Adverse Childhood Experiences?

A significant study in the 1990s demonstrated – for the first time – that childhood trauma increases an individual’s risk of developing a remarkably wide range of physical and psychological health problems.

In the study, participants answered a 10 question survey and received an ACE Score between 0-7. Broadly, the ACE questionnaire asks about these experiences:

• Physical abuse
• Sexual abuse
• Emotional abuse
• Domestic violence in the household
• Criminal activity in the household
• Mental illness in the household
• Substance abuse in the household

If you’d like to, you can find out your own ACE Score by taking the survey located here. For us as parents, I think the takeaway here is that if you experienced traumatic events as a child, it may still be impacting your well-being and health. One traumatic event can lead to more traumatic events. In short, traumatic events from your past may be making it hard to be the parent you want to be.

Imagine a child who grows up in a home where they saw one parent control and beat the other or their parents were regularly too drunk to provide safe care. This child may grow up assuming their lives are normal; they may not realize they’re experienced trauma. That doesn’t mean the trauma doesn’t affect them. They might notice they are quick to get angry, unable to express emotion, or that they struggle to hold down a long-term job.

One of the most shocking aspects of the ACE study was the prevalence of childhood trauma.  The ACE Study has been replicated many times since the original research in 1998. On average, the CDC says 61% of adults in the US have an ACE score of at least 1. About 15% reported having a score of 4 or higher.

One important limitation of the various studies on ACEs is that they only tend to examine trauma associated with abuse and household dysfunction. They don’t address trauma due to factors like structural racism, natural disasters, wars, or other factors – so if you have experienced these kinds of events then your ‘official’ ACE score is likely underestimated.

These kinds of events can cause trauma in individuals that has lasting effects. People with high ACE scores are significantly more likely to abuse drugs and alcohol or be violent with their partners which in turn creates adverse childhood experiences for their children. Adults with 4 or more ACEs are twice as likely to develop liver disease, 4.5 times more likely to develop depression, 6.1 times more likely to receive treatment for mental illness, and 11 times more likely to use intravenous drugs.

This is why it’s important for us, as parents, to try to heal from our own traumatic experiences and develop our resilience, so we can break the cycle of trauma and raise our children to be more completely fulfilled than we have been.

Trauma changes the structure of our brains

Our reactions to trauma aren’t just based on the type and severity of trauma; the field of epigenetics tells us that experiences can actually determine which of our genes get turned off or turned on.  So our reaction  to things that happen to us is a result of of environmental factors, genetic risk, and personality. This is why some people can experience what psychologists call ‘Big T Trauma’ like the Holocaust and emerge relatively unscathed, while others go through ‘little t trauma’ like feeling a lack of attachment to their parent and it ends up severely impacting their lives.

When we experience trauma, we go into “fight, flight, freeze mode” and our brain is flooded with a hormone called cortisol. When this system is over-activated, as it would be in a case of ongoing family trauma, we might have intense and vivid memories, flashbulb memories (having a very detailed memory of a specific moment), intrusive memories (which pop up at apparently rando times), or completely forgetting the trauma through the process of dissociation. When we are in this state, our frontal cortex – where we process information and construct meaning – is shut down.  When we can’t think clearly ourselves and may also feel we can’t discuss the subject with others our memories of the event may be vivid and distressing, but very disorganized.

Your ACEs can have a huge impact on your parenting

People with higher ACE scores are more likely to engage in risky behavior. The behavior may begin as a solution – a way to release stress or escape. When parents engage in high-risk behaviors, the whole family suffers the consequences. Alcoholism, domestic violence, rocky relationships, and legal trouble are just a few of the potential family stressors.

When we think about intergenerational trauma, we often think of the cycle of violence. If a parent was abused or mistreated, their child is more likely to experience abuse or mistreatment. In addition, the consequences of the parent’s trauma – posttraumatic stress, anxiety, or even physical conditions like altered levels of cortisol affect their child’s life as the parent finds they have a short fuse and feels ‘triggered’ by everyday situations.

1. Reenacting our past trauma

We may unconsciously reenact trauma. For example, if we grew up constantly being ignored by our primary parent, we may tend to seek out partners who will ignore us. We’re drawn to these people subconsciously. On some level, it seems that if we can find a way to make our relationship work or to ‘fix’ our partner, we’ll be able to heal from the trauma of the past because our brains trick us into believing that we can ‘have another chance’ at succeeding in an unhealthy relationship. If we were mistreated by a parent, we may find ourselves in relationships where we are mistreated. Our brains tell us that if we can make this relationship work, we’ll somehow make the past alright. We unintentionally recreate the family situation that we are familiar with. We might have these unhealthy relationships with partners, with a job or a friend, or some other project we take on.

2. Losing your rational thinking ability because of triggering

Maria can hear her husband and daughter playing in the next room. It’s a lovely sound. There’s lots of giggling. Then she hears her daughter say, “Stop!” A few seconds later she hears it again. She goes into the next room and sees her daughter being tickled. She’s squirming and trying to get away. Maria trusts her husband, but seeing and hearing this scene triggers past memories of abuse. How she reacts could leave a lasting impact on her child, her marriage, or both, but in the moment, she isn’t able to think rationally and make a conscious choice.

Our children can remind us of our past trauma, and when this happens we may feel ‘triggered.’. When we’re triggered, we stop acting with our rational brain and slip into our ‘reptile brain.’ We perceive danger. We react with “fight, flight, or freeze.” We developed this instinctive response to protect ourselves when we were young but now we’re adults, the instinctive response often prevents us from effectively managing situations and solving problems.

Anger is a common response to traumatic events, especially when the person who inflicted the trauma was a caregiver (this is called ‘complex trauma’). When we experience events that remind us – consciously or unconsciously – of a traumatic incident, we may unleash that anger onto others. Some survivors of childhood trauma find themselves getting severely angry for reasons they can’t identify or having strong angry responses that are disproportionate to the apparent cause of the anger. It’s also common for anger to be misdirected, so a person might feel angry at the whole world rather than toward specific people or circumstances. These reactions can be reactions to trauma we acknowledge, trauma we try to minimize, or trauma we haven’t identified.

3. Imitating our abusers

Mike sees his kids playing. In a flash, they go from laughing and fun to an all-out wrestling match. One child is significantly bigger than the other. Mike snaps at the older child, “What the hell do you think you’re doing! You’re an idiot! Get out of my sight!” The older child bursts into tears and runs off. Mike feels like he’s going to be sick.

People have a tendency to ‘turn into’ their parents. Especially when we become parents, it’s very common to notice ourselves saying specific words or using particular tones that we recognize as our parents. In the example above, Mike heard those phrases so frequently as a child, that they came out of his mouth automatically. It’s something he never wanted to say to his own children. Without noticing this behavior and making a conscious effort not to turn into our parents, it’s very likely that we will imitate their parenting style, whether it fits with our personal values and goals for raising our children – or not.

4. Distorted thinking

When children hear repeated messages about their own inadequacy, they internalize negative messages. They may believe they are incapable of success or unworthy of love. This can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. If a parent believes they are incapable of breaking the cycle of abuse or caring for their child, it can come true.

5. Overcompensating in an effort to do things differently

If a parent remembers feeling controlled as a child and decides they will not be like their parent, they may go too far in the other direction and fail to give their child enough structure. If a parent recalls getting into dangerous situations as a child, they may smother their child in an effort to keep them safe.

6. Family stress resulting from your mental and physical illness

One of the most surprising effects of childhood trauma is the increased likelihood of developing illnesses and diseases. An ACE score of 4 or more significantly increases the risk of developing serious, often fatal, diseases and conditions: cancer, Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease (COPD), heart disease, stroke, and several others.

Parenting is tough for all of us. If we have poor health, it is tougher. It’s not really possible to definitively say that childhood trauma causes physical diseases and conditions later in life, but the correlation between higher numbers of ACEs and health problems is undeniable.

The cycle can end with you

If this is the first you’ve heard of ACEs, all this information can be overwhelming. Maybe you see the connections between ACEs and behavior you’ve seen in yourself, your partner, or a friend.  If you are trying to recover from childhood trauma, it’s wise to work with a therapist trained in trauma-informed care. Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) and Trauma-Informed Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (TI-CBT) are two examples of evidence-based trauma-informed therapy. Ask about your therapist’s specific training regarding trauma-informed care before you start therapy.

Also, keep in mind:

1. ACEs are preventable. While we can’t completely control the environment our child grows up in, and some stress is necessary for a child’s normal development, our child does not have to experience the trauma you may have experienced. You can protect your child.
2. Even as an adult, you can build your resilience in a way that reduces your triggered feelings and improves the emotional climate in your home. In my next post, I’ll discuss some action steps you can take to build your resilience and stop the cycle of trauma and abuse. In my Taming Your Triggers workshop, we’ll work on recognizing and managing your triggers and learning new strategies to stop the cycle. Endorsed by a trauma-informed therapist and used by hundreds of parents to better understand how their experiences have impacted their parenting, you’ll learn how to begin healing yourself and walk a path toward clarity and calm. Click the banner to learn more.

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Key Takeaways

1. Children have meltdowns over small things because they process accumulated stress, making minor incidents trigger big emotional reactions.
2. What’s the difference between suppressing emotions and reappraising? Suppression hides feelings while reappraisal acknowledges and manages them.
3. Parents say “you’re ok” when children cry because adults feel uncomfortable with crying and want to stop pain, often repeating patterns from childhood.
4. How to respond when your child cries: pause-breathe-empathize instead of dismissing feelings with “you’re ok” or “stop crying.”
5. Benefits of emotional regulation: better physical health, stronger social relationships, and improved academic performance.
6. How empathy helps children develop emotion regulation: validating feelings teaches them emotions are normal and manageable.

My daughter was having a meltdown this afternoon when I picked her up from preschool. A friend had ‘taken’ a creation she had made – a plastic bottle and a tube of cardboard, and it had broken. The friend fixed the toy and gave it back to us, but the crying didn’t stop. I leaned on the car, holding her, for a good ten minutes until she said she was ready to go home.

As she climbed into her seat she started crying again, and was still crying as I pulled out of the lot. My daughter has a special friend at school (let’s call him Louis). She said: “I just want Louis! I feel like I’m never going to see him again!”

Even though I knew she was going to see him at school the next day, I didn’t try to make her feel better. I didn’t say “You’ll be fine,” or “You’ll see him tomorrow!”, I just empathized: “Oh, that sounds really hard! You love to play with him and you really miss him, huh?” 

She wailed, “Yeah!” and cried even harder. Had I failed in my bid to comfort her? Should I stop on the way home and get her an ice cream cone? I know that’s not a good idea, but it’s tempting sometimes. 

When my child is upset, I start to wonder if I’m really doing what’s right. After all, if I’m doing things the right way, shouldn’t my child be able to regulate her emotions? How can she be so devastated by something so insignificant?

A few minutes later, she suddenly told me she saw some holiday lights: the tears were over and she started eating her apple.

Now that everyone is calm, I can reflect on the event with a clear mind. While sometimes it can be frustrating when our child seems to overreact, I managed to stay calm. I didn’t try to control her emotions with threats or bribery; I was able to empathize.  

But sometimes I do wonder: how did some of the other parents see me when I was holding my daughter in the parking lot?  Did they see a loving mother, or did they see a mother ‘spoiling’ her child by allowing her to ‘indulge in self-pity?’

Were they wondering why – since I’m supposed to know how to do this parenting thing – my five-year-old is still having meltdowns over a plastic bottle and a cardboard tube?  And sometimes, self-doubt begins to creep in. 

Then I remember: although it feels like I’ve been ‘doing the right thing’ for a long time, I know my child is still very young. I also know that doing ‘the right thing’ as a parent doesn’t make my child immune from sadness. Just because they cry more when we’re physically, mentally, and emotionally present with them doesn’t mean we’ve failed to help them. In fact, it means the opposite.

Healthy (and not healthy) ways to manage stress

We might think that the things that stress us out are much bigger and more important than a bottle and a cardboard tube coming apart. But to our children, these kinds of events ARE a big deal.  And it’s in learning to respond to stress about their creations breaking that they learn how to respond to the ‘big’ stressors of adulthood.  

So how do we adults handle stress?  Typically, we respond in one of two ways: we either suppress or reappraise our feelings. 

When we suppress our feelings – as we teach children to do when we tell them ‘you’re ok’ – we’re stuffing our feelings down.  We’re experiencing a negative emotion and deciding that it’s too difficult or scary for us, so we deny that we’re experiencing it.

Sharing intimate feelings is a critical component of adult relationships. When we suppress emotions, we may get to a point where we can no longer tell what we’re feeling. This makes it very difficult to have authentic relationships with others.

When we reappraise, we manage stress in a healthy way. To reappraise a situation, we consciously view it in a way that is less stressful. We aren’t ignoring our emotions – in fact, we’re acknowledging them. Then we reinterpret the situation and choose how to respond (rather than feeling like our response is determined by our emotions).

We can help our children develop emotion regulation by treating them with empathy.

And how do we feel when someone treats us with empathy?  When they show us through their words or actions that they truly understand our experience?  For a short time, it often causes us to feel the emotion even more deeply. We cry harder – because it feels amazing to be so fully understood. The same is the case for children.

Why do parents tell children ‘you’re ok’ when they are crying?

It’s common to hear parents telling their children, ‘You’re okay.’ after a fall or disappointment.

Children crying can make adults feel uncomfortable.

We’re accustomed to responding to our child’s tears by finding out what’s wrong and solving the problem. When our children are babies, crying is their only way to communicate. It’s essential for caregivers to respond. When the baby’s problem is solved—they’re fed, they’re safe, their pain stopped—they stop crying, and we know we’ve done our job. (And on the occasions when we can’t figure it out we worry that we’re failing.)  We’re wired to want to stop our children from crying. 

As our children get a bit older, we still want to protect them. It’s painful to see your child in pain. We instinctively want to make the pain stop, and since crying is an indicator of pain it needs to stop too.

Unfortunately, many parents grew up in houses where emotions weren’t allowed. Many parents grew up hearing messages like, “shut up,” “stop being silly,” or “big boys don’t cry.” We were trained to see crying as shameful; something to be hidden; as an emotional expression that could earn us “something to really cry about.”

Especially if we were socialized female, we may have grown up thinking it was our job to keep everyone else happy. A crying child provides obvious evidence that everyone is not happy.

For many parents, the automatic response – as we are being triggered and suppressing our own feelings – is to tell a child, ‘stop crying,’ ‘calm down,’ or ‘you’re ok.’

Unfortunately, it turns out that this approach didn’t help us to experience and regulate our emotions – that’s why we feel triggered by our children’s behavior. It won’t help our children either.

We might be able to get them to stop crying, but this isn’t real emotion regulation. The child has learned is how to suppress their feelings and put on a happy face.

Gentle parenting in practice

When trying to imagine what is the appropriate way to respond to my child, I often try to think about how I would respond to an adult in a similar situation.

So imagine you are on a bike ride with a friend. They take a corner too fast and fall. They scream and cry. It looks and sounds a bit different than if a child fell and got hurt, but they are definitely upset. 

The first thing most of us would do is go over to them and see if they are OK. We’d ask: “Where are you hurt?” If medical attention was obviously needed, we’d act. Otherwise, we’d give them a minute to figure out how badly they were hurt. We’d try to understand what happened: “It seemed like you turned a bit hard into the corner and the wheel slipped out from under you?”  If our friend doesn’t seem physically injured but is still obviously upset, we might say “That must have been really scary!” and if our friend really had been scared, they might even cry a bit harder when we say it.

But I can’t imagine anyone telling an adult friend in this situation: “Oh, you’re OK!  Look, it’s barely even a scrape! There’s nothing to cry about!” 

We also wouldn’t leave our friend behind or ignore their pain while they figured it out on their own (as we might think about doing after our child falls for what seems like the fiftieth time today). 

We would be present with our friend. We’d offer assistance. If we didn’t know what to do, we’d ask if there was something we could do. We’d express empathy. 

Our children are no different. They need our empathy to develop their own emotion regulation skills.

How will emotion regulation help our children?

Emotion regulation skills help children in three critical ways. 

First, emotional regulation makes children physically and mentally healthier. Chronic stress leads to physical problems that show up decades after the original stressor, like:

• High blood pressure
• Alcohol and illicit substance use
• Mental health challenges like depression
• Hormonal imbalances
• Weakened immune system
• Changes in brain development

Second, children who can regulate their emotions have better social relationships with peers.  It’s easier to like peers who can understand what their friends are thinking and deescalate conflicts.

Third, the ability to regulate emotions at a young age predicts later academic success – if only because it is associated with the ability to sit still in class and pay attention to the teacher.

How can we support our children in learning emotion regulation?

It may seem like children are ‘overreacting’ to slight injuries, and they need to learn to determine the seriousness of an issue rather than making everything a crisis. And a cracker breaking is not a crisis.  Yes, they do need to learn this skill! Children react strongly to issues that aren’t particularly serious in an adult’s mind—this is normal and expected. 

Try to put yourself in your child’s shoes for a few minutes.  You’re small and young and people older and bigger than you spend a lot of time telling you where to go, what to do, and how to do it.  Maybe you have a new sibling and suddenly you have to wait for everything all the time.  Maybe you’re in a new childcare setting, or with a new teacher, or you’re having trouble with a friend in your class, and things seem really hard.  Perhaps a sibling is poking at you all morning, and Mom said ‘no’ when you asked for more candy, AND THEN THE CRACKER BROKE!  

When our child cries over a broken cracker, it isn’t really about a broken cracker – it’s probably about all the other things they’ve struggled with that day.

Emotion regulation develops with age. Parents can support this process, over time. 

There are three primary ways children learn about emotional regulation:

• Direct teaching – when we tell them, ‘you’re ok!’ (or, conversely: ‘Wow, it looked like you were scared when you went down the slide so fast.  Would you like to come and sit with me for a minute?’)
• Parental modeling –how do you react to upsetting situations?  Do you swear at bad drivers – or wonder aloud if they’re from out of town?  Are you quick to anger – and slow to apologize?
• The emotional climate of the family – how do family members get along with the child and how do they get along with each other?

We can use each of these factors to help our children learn how to regulate their emotions with our support rather than our judgment. When we validate our children’s feelings, they learn: my feelings make sense. I’m OK. I’m lovable. That’s a message many of us desperately needed to receive when we were young. Because nobody told us our experience is valid, we struggle with our own emotion regulation today.

How mindful parenting helps children develop emotional regulation

The way to help children learn emotion regulation is to practice mindfulness in our parenting. When we are mindful, we can stop our automatic response and observe without automatically reacting or judging. When we respond to a meltdown with acceptance and compassion, we are working toward the long-term goals of supporting our child’s healthy development – and having a strong relationship with them. 

When our children stop crying on command, they’re learning to stifle, or suppress, their emotions. They’re learning that pleasing others is more important than honoring their own feelings. They’re learning to ignore their feelings, when what we want our child to learn is how to recognize and manage their feelings. Telling them they are OK – when they clearly are not OK at all – sends the opposite message.

That leaves the question, what should we do when our children are crying?

Four steps to take when your child starts crying

Next time your child is upset, try to avoid saying, “You’re OK.” Instead, try these steps: 

First, pause and watch (it might not feel like you’re doing anything, but this is really important!). The pause will give you time to check your own emotions and allow time for your child to react on their own terms – they may get right back up and return to play.

Second, set an intention. While you pause, take a breath to center yourself. Check in with your own feelings. Remind yourself not to say, ‘You’re OK.’

Third, take action. Go over to your child. Assess what your child needs. Sit with your child and demonstrate empathy. While you sit with your child, you can try to breathe deeply and audibly. This will help you stay calm, and your child is likely to notice your breathing (consciously or unconsciously) and imitate it without prompting. 

Instead of, “You’re OK,” try saying something that shows respect for the pain your child is feeling. You can (slowly and calmly; without making it seem like an interrogation) say whichever of the following feels most natural: “That’s a big scrape. Does it hurt?  Would you like a hug? Should we go sit on the bench for a while? Is there something I can do to help you feel better?” 

When your child seems ready, describe what you saw happened, “It looked like you tripped on that crack in the sidewalk.” 

Fourth, move on. After the crying subsides, decide what to do next. Your child may have an idea, but if not, offer some options. Ask if they are ready to play again or if they want to take a break. 

Gentle parenting is a long game. It doesn’t mean our children won’t have meltdowns – at home, at school, at the park, or at the grocery store (ugh – those are so hard, right?). 

Sometimes it might seem like our methods aren’t ‘working’ to support our kids in developing skills like emotion regulation.

We’re working with the idea that being a good parent means our kids won’t always be ‘well-behaved’ as our own parents would have defined it. 

We can try to stop thinking that a crying child means we’re messing up, and that we have to make the crying stop.  

We can have confidence that our child’s crying is a sign we’re doing this parenting thing right.

Frequently Asked Questions

1. What’s the problem with telling kids to stop crying? 

When we tell children to “stop crying” or say, “You’re OK,” we unintentionally teach them to suppress their emotions rather than process them. Emotional suppression can lead to difficulty recognizing and regulating emotions later in life, making it harder to form healthy relationships and manage stress. Instead of helping children build resilience, this response may make them feel their emotions are wrong or unimportant​.

2.  How can parents help kids develop emotional regulation?

Parents can foster emotional regulation by modeling calm responses, validating their child’s feelings, and creating a supportive environment. Acknowledging emotions instead of dismissing them helps children feel understood. Teaching reappraisal also builds emotional resilience. A child who feels heard and supported learns that emotions are normal and manageable, rather than something to be ignored or hidden​.

3. What are the steps to respond mindfully to a crying child?

Pause (so you can respond based on your values, rather than reacting), set an intention for the interaction based on your values, offer empathy, and help them decide what to do next. These steps help children feel safe in expressing emotions while gradually building their ability to self-regulate.

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The songs, the sparkly celebration lights, families coming together – everything says that this is the most wonderful time of the year.

And most of the time, it is.

Although at other times it can be extremely stressful!

If you have young children, I’m sure you know what I mean: one minute everyone is getting along fine and the next minute your preschooler has refused to thank Grandma for a gift and there are meltdowns – on both sides! Truth be told, the most wonderful time of the year can also be the most stressful when we’re rushing from one place to the next while also trying to spend ‘quality time’ with family.

We want to enjoy the holidays – and with a bit of advanced preparation we might actually be able to do this, rather than just surviving them.

So what can we do to bring more ease to our holidays?

1. Carefully consider where you will stay

Be intentional and set boundaries around you and your child’s need for space and privacy. If your family house is not spacious enough or quiet enough, then you may need to ask yourself if it’s a better idea to simply book a room or a house nearby your family’s home and scheduling time for visits with them.

As much as you love your parents, chances are that you having access to your own space to retreat to can be the difference between a successful trip and one that leaves you tearing your hair out, giving you the peace of mind to really enjoy the time you do spend with family.

Of course there are financial considerations; staying with family may save some money. But if you end up more stressed and tired then having a place to escape to at the end of the day could save your sanity especially if your relationship with your family is less than perfect.

2. Plan in advance about where to set boundaries around family members

Sensitive topics: yup! They’ll happen, so let’s prepare for them.

Wouldn’t parenting be so much easier if everyone from your family would know what to say and how to interact with your child?

But what we can do in our less-than-ideal world is to think and plan in advance about how to handle sensitive situations and where to set boundaries around family members’ interactions with your child.

What will happen if Uncle Rob makes racist comments has he has in years past, and now your child is old enough to understand? How will you explain that Aunt Maria won’t be there this year because Grandma disapproves of her girlfriend? What will you do if Grandpa offers your child a soda with every meal because he drinks one with every meal?

How do you feel as you imagine these scenarios?

Probably not great, right?

Out of control?

Overwhelmed?

Ideally we would have conversations with our family members in advance of our visit and consider any boundaries that we will not allow to have crossed. We can get crystal clear inside our own mind what we are and aren’t willing to tolerate, which makes it easier to take action when the situation arises.

When we talk with family members about our concerns, approaching the conversation from a place of openness and curiosity rather than a desire to “make them see things our way” is more likely to be productive and less likely to raise hackles.  No one wants to feel put in the corner and criticized, even if you know that drinking a soda with every meal isn’t a healthy habit.  So we might start:

“Can you tell me more about…?”

“What would happen if…?

“[Child’s name] has been having a hard time lately when…”

These are some great conversation openers because they create a space of trust and sincerity around the subject without making anyone feel judged, criticized or rejected. The idea is to make sure that the focus is kept on the problem itself, not on the people involved in the conversation which invites both parties to work on potential solutions rather than jumping to protect themselves from attack.

We also don’t have to have deep and meaningful conversations with every member of our family.  If other family members have made life choices that we don’t agree with it’s OK to realize that different people serve different functions in our lives, and not every family relationship needs to be an intimate one.

3. Accept that your family members will have different relationships with your child than you do.

It’s OK if Grandma tells your child they are beautiful or strong, or doles out candy as rewards. Given that old habits die hard, there can be the case where they can’t handle your child’s meltdowns as you would prefer and may hear some of the old “Big boys don’t cry”, “Good little girls eat their dinner before they get dessert” and “Think of the poor children in (Wherever) and eat your food.”

You are the main guide in your child’s life and a few days of hearing these messages isn’t the end of the world.  Overall the benefits of a good relationship with Grandma probably outweigh hearing the ideas that don’t jibe with your approach – as long as the boundaries you defined earlier aren’t crossed.

Where family members struggle in interactions with your child, you can comfort your child while explaining “It’s OK for anyone to cry if they feel like it, even big boys,” or “[Child’s name] will finish dinner later, if they’d like to.”  You can briefly explain to your relative that children learn about their emotions by experiencing them, and that you aim to raise a child who has a healthy relationship with food even if that means they don’t clean their plate.

Many grandparents do love to treat their grandkids with cookies, candy and other sweet confections just as much as kids love to receive them. It may help letting them know that there are other ways in which they can show their love without necessarily handing out candies all the time. You can say something like: “There will be candies later as well, let’s play a game for now with Grandpa”.

4. Be ready to protect your child when necessary

Your child might need you to hold them when entering a crowded room and explain to the others that they will say ‘Hi’ when they’re ready, or offer Great Aunt Hilda a high five instead of a hug and kiss before leaving.

Some family members may insist or simply lean to hug or kiss your child – especially if it’s a cultural norm in your country.  Depending on what you’ve decided about whether this is a non-negotiable boundary for you, you can step up and reinforce your child’s boundaries and let them know that “right now you can give [Child] a high five, and maybe they will be ready for a kiss/hug later.”

You might hear: “But Grandma needs a hug for the holidays!” Maybe she does, but if you have decided that this is a non-negotiable boundary, then you can feel confident that not allowing Grandma’s needs take priority over the needs of your child is in line with your values, which makes it easier to stand your ground. If an adult says he/she “needs” a hug, then this also magnifies the reasons for your child to have permission to keep their boundaries. When children don’t feel they can say who can touch their body, they may be at greater risk for abuse.

By being there when your child needs you, as a protector of its boundaries and limits, you are setting them up for self-acceptance. And even more importantly, you are showing them that they can speak their truth and still be loved and accepted.

5. Try to keep the routines if possible (e.g. bath, books, bed) – but accept that disruptions to routines are part of what makes the holidays fun

While routines help you keep your child’s schedule organized, gets enough rest, and avoids overstimulation, during the holidays it can be very difficult to have the same schedule in place.  You know your child’s needs best, and you can use this knowledge to set up environments that work for your child.  If your child simply cannot function without bedtime at 7pm and a daily two-hour nap, then you’ll know that protecting these is a top priority.  Be proactive by communicating your scheduling needs by saying something like, “We are so excited to visit and spend time together! I know we have a lot of activities scheduled, so I just want to make sure that my child is able to nap daily from 12-2pm so you and [Child] can have lots of fun together!”

Other children are much more flexible and will be fine with a short car nap or an occasional late night and in these cases you can simply try to preserve as much as possible of the normal routine (bath, books, bed) at the different time to help your child settle.

Whatever your child’s needs, we do need to accept that holidays come with some scheduling disruptions – visits to family members’ houses; outings to the cinema or theater; meals that stretch late into the night.  I vividly recall the time when I was first allowed to stay up past midnight – aged around six – it was a highlight of that family vacation for both my sister and me, and is part of the magic of childhood.

6. Demonstrate compassion for your child – and yourself

It can be super-stressful to be around our families at the best of times, and during the holidays the pressure is on to try to be a big, happy family that gets along.

Keep this in mind and hang in there. Be gentle with yourself and your child during holidays.

Remember that your child depends on you not only to regulate their environment but also to help them regulate their moods. The early periods are an extremely sensitive time when children absorb all the stimulation and energy in their environments. Holidays are actually stressful for children – even at the same time as they are enjoying all the attention, candy, and gifts.  All of the sights and sounds and crowds during the holidays can be a lot for kids to digest.  You might hear:

“Mommy, I want to go home.”

“I don’t like grandpa.”

“I don’t want to stay here anymore.”

These are some early signs that things may be too much for your little one, if your child has enough vocabulary to express this.  If not – or if they’re already so flooded they can’t talk with you, flailing on the floor might be the first warning you get.

In these moments, try to be flexible – if your child is over stimulated they might cry and not be able to use words to describe their feelings, seem tired or upset, throw themselves on the floor in tears or anger, refuse to do a particular activity…you know how it goes.  Even if there are plans or gathering you need to attend to, if things are not working for your child, it’s okay to give it up.  You might say:

“I seems like you’re having a hard time right now.  Should we go to a quiet room?”

“I think you’re trying to tell me you need a break. Shall we step away from this for a bit and go for a walk outside?”

“It looks like you might be feeling a bit overwhelmed.  Would a hug help?”

Most of the time, making it clear that your child is allowed to express their emotions makes them feel connected and safe again.

Your relatives might expect that if your approach to parenting is ‘working,’ then your empathy for your child will result in an end to the tantrum.  But if we think about a time when someone has deeply empathized with us, we might recall that experiencing that empathy can actually open the floodgates so we express more emotion, not less.  This doesn’t mean that respectful parenting ‘doesn’t work’ – in fact, it means the complete opposite.

And while we’re on the topic of compassion, don’t forget to save some for yourself.  You might not be a perfect parent in stressful moments either – you might snap at your child in a way that you wouldn’t do at home because you’re tired or hungry or overwhelmed.  Acknowledge that you are doing the best you can under the circumstances, forgive yourself for any mistakes you make, and try again tomorrow.

Holidays are a time of celebration and fun activities. There are so many wonderful opportunities during holidays when we can connect with other family members and pass on family traditions to our children. Not everything will go perfectly all the time, and if we can let go of the expectation that this will happen, we’ll have an easier time.

If we can find a good balance of preparing ourselves – and our family members – for successful interactions, along with a willingness to go with the flow while we’re there, we can set both us and our child up for success this holiday season.

Respectful Parenting and Supporting Your Child’s Learning Memberships

If you appreciated my approach to surviving the holidays with a research-backed and respectful point of view, then you would be a perfect fit for my Parenting Membership or my Supporting Your Child’s Learning Membership. Inside the memberships we provide Learning + Support + Community. We will hold your hand as your family transitions from a place of chaos and overwhelm to a home filled with harmony, confidence and cooperation.

• You’ll get a learning summary of the most up to date research on a variety of challenging topics in parenting and education, along with tools and methods to implement within your own family.
• You’ll also get support directly from myself and a team of trained leaders that use coaching to help you meet the goals you set for lasting change in your family.
• And you’ll be a part of a private, respectful community of like-minded parents with stories and solutions to share.

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I actually have never been furious like this with my 5-year-old daughter.  Don’t get me wrong; there are regular occasions when I’m really frustrated.  Just last night she was manipulating Daddy into tumble drying her Chickies (some old over-the-head infant towels that she claimed as lovies after we unearthed them last year to block the smoke from coming under the doors during the Camp Fire) before she would go to sleep.

He offered other stuffed toys, his favorite sweater, his favorite fluffy sweater; all were summarily rejected.  When he left the room to restart the dryer she turned to me with a glint in her eye and the upturned corners of Jack Nicholson’s Joker smile and whispered: “I’m making him do that.”

I was mildly amused myself until she announced that once the Chickies were ready for sleep, she wanted to repeat our nightly ritual of hiding from us in her bedroom before she would go to bed: any attempt to speed this process up by ‘searching’ in less than five potential locations before ‘finding’ her under the covers is met by tears and protestations that we “didn’t look in enough places.”

I told her firmly (unkindly?) that I didn’t appreciate being manipulated and that we were not going to search for her again, before leaving her room and closing the door.  Also firmly. (I don’t think it quite rose to the level of ‘slammed.’)

Stalling winds me up as well: the dramatic collapsing on the floor because she wants me to put her shoes on; the bowed-head, slumped-shouldered foot-dragging that results from an announcement that we do, in fact, have to walk one more block to the restaurant; the extra seconds playing with the toothpaste before opening her mouth to brush teeth that are seemingly precisely timed to poke me like a hot needle.

But my really special triggers are reserved for my husband.

When I was growing up my father used to lecture me on my shortcomings.  I no longer remember many of the specifics, but I do recall their frequency, and duration, and that I was not allowed to express an opinion.  And I clearly recall the shame.  I learned to tune out and go somewhere else in my mind, inserting minimally committal mumblings during gaps where it seemed like a response was required.

As an adult, I cannot stand to be interrupted.  I get that same white-hot anger that Minna Dubin feels toward her child, but it’s directed at my husband instead.

I’m trying to explain what the Post Office’s website says about his options for mailing a package as he interrupts me to ask…what the Post Office’s website says about his options for mailing a package.

“Don’t interrupt me!” I scream.  My daughter seems unperturbed.  She isn’t especially attuned to emotions.  She doesn’t notice if I’m distracted or sad or afraid.  The last time my husband and I had argued in front of her about something that doesn’t matter any more I slammed the lid of the bar-b-que in fury so hard that it put the flames out before she calmly observed: “Mama’s not very happy, is she?”

But a couple of weeks after the Package Incident we were in the car and she was describing something to me.  I thought she had finished speaking so I started to respond and she shouted “Don’t interrupt me!”

My husband gave me a side-long look and said “She is you…”.

It might seem like an obvious connection, but until then I didn’t realize that my childhood experiences had so profoundly shaped my parenting experiences.  You can actually hear me realize the connection between the childhood lectures and being interrupted as an adult live during a podcast interview with an expert on intergenerational trauma.

And this is what’s missing from Dubin’s piece: an understanding of where these triggers come from in the first place.  We’re not just angry with our child.  We’re not feeling uncontrollable rage because our child won’t get in the car; because they hit another child at school; because they’re ignoring us.

It’s not even about our child. 

It’s about the hurt that we felt as children when we weren’t allowed to assert our preferences; when we were shamed as we learned how to regulate our emotions; when we were ignored as we sought reassurance.

Kaiser Permanente surveyed 9,500 of its patients in and around San Diego, CA in the mid-90s about the traumas they had experienced in childhood, as well as their current health status.  More than half of the respondents reported exposure to traumatic experiences like psychological, physical, and sexual abuse; substance abuse, mental illness, criminal behavior in the household, and their mother having been treated violently.  A quarter reported exposure to two or more of these factors.  10% said they lived with a parent who would swear at them, insult them, or put them down.  19% said that an adult or other person at least five years older than them touched or fondled them in a sexual way.

People who had experienced four or more categories of exposure had a 1.4-1.6-fold increase in physical inactivity, a 2.4-fold increase in the prevalence of smoking and poor self-rated health, and a 4-12-fold increased risk for alcoholism, drug abuse, depression, and attempted suicide.

If you’d like to learn more about your own exposure to Adverse Childhood Experiences, you can take this survey.

There’s no competition for a high score; even a score of one is powerful.   And while being humiliated by a parent might seem like a ‘lesser’ trauma than being sexually abused, both represent a failure of what’s called the ‘attachment relationship’ between the parent and child which can harm the child’s developing sense of self.  (It’s also possible that your own parents experienced trauma which caused a ruptured attachment bond with you, which is a contributing factor to your own anger.)  And the researchers failed to examine stressors like systemic racism, homelessness, and being in the foster care system that disproportionately impact parents – and children – of non-dominant cultures that really should be reflected in the ACE scoring system.

I know I’m not the only one who struggles with this.  I see parents posting about it in online forums all the time.  Parents are frustrated; they’re angry; they want to know when their child will grow out of the behavior that they find triggering.  That’s why I created an online workshop – grounded in the latest research on the origins of trauma and the best tools we have to manage it – that helps parents to identify the true sources of their triggers, feel triggered less often, and manage their emotions on the fewer occasions when it does still occur.  So you can close a door firmly, rather than wanting to tear your house apart.

The bad news about intergenerational trauma is that if we don’t understand it, acknowledge it, and use the right tools to manage it, it is so easily transmitted to our children.

When we think back to our parents freaking out when we make a mess, and we see ourselves freaking out when our child tips allll of the Legos and crayons and stickers allll over the floor, and we see the fear and anger and shame in our child’s eyes as we shout at them to CLEAN IT UP NOW OR I’M GOING TO THROW ALL OF YOUR TOYS AWAY, it’s easy to see how these things get passed down.

But the good news is that there’s a lot you can do.

Recognizing that triggers lie within you – and not in your child’s behavior – is an enormous first step.  The next is to understand the true sources of these triggers, and to accept that our parents were doing the best job that they could in the face of the trauma that they had experienced.

Only then do tools to manage your emotions make sense.  And actually work.

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Everyone’s most stressful time of the year is almost here: big gatherings of family members with different political opinions; beautiful holiday decorations that need to be kept out of the toddler’s grasping hands; endless treats to entice your child so they have no space left for ‘real food.’

Ain’t the holidays great? 😊

We want to enjoy them, but sometimes we just have to get through them.  Here are some ideas to help you spend less time getting through, and more time enjoying.

1. Carefully consider where you’ll stay. If your parents’ house has paper-thin walls, small rooms, and little extra space, then as much as you love your parents, it might not be a great fit for your introverted, noise-sensitive toddler.  Perhaps your family can clear some space in an unused room to create a retreat for your child, but if you end up in there as well for half of the holiday then you may be less than happy.  It might end up being better for everyone if you stayed somewhere close by and visited your parents for a few hours each day rather than being constantly in each other’s space, particularly if your relationship is less-than-perfect.

2. Talk with your family about reasonable expectations for your child’s behavior. Given the stresses of being around unfamiliar people in an unfamiliar environment, opportunities are ripe for big emotions (aka ‘tantrums’).  If your family will respond to your child with “Oh come on; big boys don’t cry” or “I don’t want to hear any more of that noise!” or “If you stop crying, I’ll give you a candy,” set expectations before you arrive of what behavior your family is likely to see and what you’ve found to be helpful to do in response (aka what you would like them to do in response).

3. Consider any hard boundaries that you will not have crossed, and let your family know about these in advance as well. These topics might include comments about anyone’s weight, or racist comments, or anything-but-supportive comments about your child’s shifting gender identity.  Be clear in your own mind about what you will do if these boundaries are crossed, and then don’t be afraid to do that thing if it happens.

4. Let family members know about any strong preferences (that don’t quite meet the ‘hard boundary’ threshold) that you would prefer to have honored. These examples might include not offering soda to your child, offering nutritious foods before junk food, or not having the TV on in the background aaaaaalllllllllll day.  Explain your reasons for these preferences and discuss – in advance – whether your family members are willing to work with you at least some of the time (perhaps you could agree to have the TV off one day and on another day, to catch one important football game rather than all of them).  Be open to ideas that could meet your needs as well as meet your family member’s needs.

5. Protect your child where necessary. If they’re expressing big emotions and Grandpa is being vocal about not wanting to hear them, remove your child to a quiet space.  If Grandma insists on a hug and your child doesn’t want one, step in and say “perhaps [child] will be ready for a hug later!”.  If it’s clear that your child is getting overwhelmed, don’t force them to stay at the dinner table because your family expects it.  You’re not ‘setting the stage for bad habits;’ you’re setting your child up for success in the current situation – and it’ll only be for a few days.

6. Know when to let go. Your parents might not interact with your child in exactly the way you would wish, but they will have their own relationship and (for the most part) that relationship is likely to be fine.  If you’re taking an hour for yourself, you hear your child screaming upstairs at their sibling, and your spouse is close by – let your spouse handle it.  They won’t do it in exactly the same way that you would, but it will end up fine.  Your family isn’t perfect (and – surprise! – neither are you).  It’s OK if not everyone has perfect interactions with your child – children are resilient, and they will know that you are still their parent and how you interact with them is the most important thing in the end.

7. Appreciate what your family DOES bring to your child. Whether it’s exposure to different viewpoints to family history to just knowing that Grandma and Grandpa care about them, your child gets something positive out of the holiday experience, even if it’s stressful for you.  Keep your eyes on the prize, and appreciate the value that your family brings to your child, through your child’s eyes.

Enjoy the holidays!

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Key Takeaways

1. Most children develop sharing abilities around 3.5-4 years old, not at 1-2 years as many parents expect.
2. Use “taking turns” instead of “sharing” and model sharing behavior yourself rather than forcing children to give up toys.
3. Children under 3 lack understanding of others’ perspectives and time concepts, making sharing difficult developmentally.
4. Forcing sharing teaches obedience, not genuine sharing. Focus on supporting turn-taking and respecting ownership.
5. Normal sharing behavior by age looks like: Before 3: parallel play; Ages 3-5: increased interest in sharing; Age 5+: most sharing conflicts resolve naturally.

Child 1: “Nooooooo, it’s mine!”

Child 2: “I want it!” [Grabs for the toy]

Child 1: [Hangs on tight and won’t let go]

Child 2: [Hits Child 1]

How many parents have ever been in that scenario?

(I’d be surprised if any of you haven’t.)

And how many parents are sick of hearing it?

(I’d be surprised if any of you who have more than one child aren’t…)

Young children find sharing difficult!

We know that children develop the mental skills needed to engage in sharing behavior over time, and yet we find ourselves in a pickle over sharing all the time.  Our own children take things from each other.  Our child takes something from another child at preschool.  Someone else’s child takes something from our child at the park.

When it’s just our own children at home, we might just step in and say: “Well if you can’t stop fighting over it, I’m just going to take it away so neither of you can have it.”  In a public place, we immediately find ourselves getting hot and anxious.  We see other parents watching and we worry that they’re judging our children – and our parenting. 

Being judged is hard, right?

We also get ourselves in trouble when we expect children to be able to share before they’re developmentally ready.  Many parents expect their one- or two-year-olds to be able to share, when most children don’t develop the mental ability to be able to do this until at least 3.5-4.  

So how should we handle these types of situations?

Our goals in raising our children are important here.  We also have to understand what is developmentally appropriate by age.

Parents in Eurocentric cultures are usually trying to socialize their children (especially girls) to be liked by others, and adults see this sharing behavior as an indication that their child will be liked.  We also want them to share with others spontaneously, of their own volition: because we (in our society) think it’s the right thing to do, and not just because someone is telling them to do it.

Parents in different cultures use a variety of approaches at home to encourage sharing.  In cultures where individualism is less pronounced and members of society are interdependent, parents may state that there are no privately owned toys: all toys belong to all the children in a household.

Teachers in Japanese preschools may start the school year with several of a usually-favored toy, and over the course of a few months they withdraw some of these to ‘force’ children to figure out arrangements to share the toys.

At the more individualistic-oriented end of the spectrum, parents who follow the Resources for Infant Educarers (RIE) approach to parenting might have separate gated areas within their house where children spend some portion of the day when they are not actively supervised.

When the children are in the same space the parent is close by, narrating what the children are doing during tricky situations: “Maria, you’re playing with the truck.  Nate would like to play as well.  When you’re done with the truck, please let us know because Nate is waiting.”  Maria might continue to play with the truck for some minutes but quite often she will voluntarily offer the truck to Nate sooner than you might expect, because there was no pressure on her to share and she was able to do it while saving face.

We should also acknowledge that, most of the time, we say “sharing” when we don’t really mean it: children are “sharing” when they split a banana or a cookie.  “Sharing” a toy really means “giving up the thing you have and really want to keep to someone else” – a concept that young children can find confusing and irritating.  When they have little understanding of how time works, toddlers know they have the toy now, and if they give the toy up they can’t understand how long it will be until they get it back again. 

Using the phrase “taking turns” rather than “sharing” can help a child understand what is expected of them much more easily.  “Taking turns” helps the child to see that they will get the toy back again.

Ready to stop the fighting over toys (and everything else)?

Sharing struggles often come with other challenging behaviors like tantrums, hitting, and talking back. The Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits workshop shows you how to handle all of these – and cut the number of limits you need to set by at least half.

Click here to learn more about the workshop.

When do kids learn to share?

Any discussion of sharing by age will, of course, depend on your child’s own temperament, experience with sharing, and development.  So feel free to ‘size up’ or ‘size down’ depending on your child’s own abilities and experience.

Before age ~3

Very young toddlers don’t understand the concept of sharing very well.  Some studies have found that a child as young as 10-12 months will bring toys or offer food to parents in apparent acts of sharing, but they are likely seeking a positive reaction or approval from the parent, or it may be part of how the two play together, or they might even be trying to keep a toy away from a sibling.  Many children will hold out an object as if to share it and then withdraw it, as they test what happens during social interactions.

By around age two, children can usually understand the concept of ownership.  They’ve likely been told many times by then: “No, we can’t use that item – it isn’t ours.”  

The opposite of “not mine” is “mine,” and will begin to protest their own toys being taken away more than neutral toys.  But they have very little understanding of how others think.  They don’t know that the other child doesn’t know they want the toy if the other child didn’t ask directly, which is why you find yourself in the following exchange:

“I want the toy!  Johnny won’t give it to me!”

“Well, did you ask him for a turn?”

“Noooooooo…”.

Parents’ tasks at this age focus around modelling sharing behaviors: “I’m going to have a cookie.  Would you like to share it with me?” or “You have a lot of toys there.  Would you mind if I use it now, please?  Thanks!  We’re sharing!”

You can set your child up for success by not taking favorite toys to playdates (and by putting these away for playdates at your home), and by playing outdoors where there are lots of “toys” (sticks, rocks, sand, and the like).

Outside of situations where sharing is required, you can support the development of these capabilities by encouraging your child to name their own feelings and the feelings of other people and characters in books.  Many young children can recognize facial expressions but may not understand what emotions go with those expressions.  Their vocabulary around emotions might initially be limited to “happy” and “sad,” so introduce them to the names for other emotions as well.  Expand both of your vocabularies using a feelings list – there’s a printable version available, as well as a picture-based option for pre-readers.

Importantly, parents are NOT telling children to share, or forcing one child to give up an item so another child can play with it.  This just teaches children that a strong person can force a smaller person to give something up, which isn’t the lesson we want them to take from this interaction.  We can tell children to share, but if they do offer up their toy then they’ve learned how to be obedient, not how to share.  

In a public place, sit close to the children to block any hits that may occur.  Talk them through what you see: “I see Maria is reaching for the toy.  Luca, are you still playing with it?  Luca is holding on tightly to the toy.  I don’t think he’s done yet.  What can we do while we wait, Maria?”

Age ~3 to ~5

Around this age children become much more interested in playing together rather than ‘parallel playing’ next to each other, so sharing suddenly becomes relevant: a child who doesn’t share might find that their friend doesn’t want to play with them again tomorrow.  Children are also starting to develop the capability to understand what others think and want, and can take a short break from their own play to consider that another child might want the toy they currently have.

Their concept of time is evolving over this period too; at around age 3 they might still be focused entirely on the present and cannot foresee “five minutes from now” when they can have the toy.  You can scaffold this knowledge by being honest about time: don’t say you’ll be there “in a minute” or “in just a sec” when you know it’s actually going to be at least five: say “I’ll be there in five minutes, which is when the big hand on the clock reaches the four.”

They are also developing some impulse control: the ability to wait and not just grab what they want, which is an enormous help with sharing.  Parents can scaffold this ability by empathizing: “I know you want to play with the truck.  Maria has it right now.  It can be hard to wait.  When Maria has finished, you can have the truck.”  You can also suggest other toys the child might want to play with while they are waiting.

By this time the child might have a new sibling and you may find you need new strategies to deal with sharing than you had used with an only child.  You may decide that all toys belong to everyone, or each child has a special few toys that they keep aside, or (if the age difference is pronounced) that small toys need to be kept away from baby and large toys are fair game for anyone as long as they aren’t currently being used.  

If the child is old enough, you can involve them in the process of deciding how to keep baby safe.  If both children are old enough, they can both have input into what strategies they want to use for preferred toys.

You can begin to scaffold the development of sharing strategies: things like taking turns, setting a timer, playing with another toy while waiting, and playing with the toy together.  In the beginning you might need to suggest these strategies but over time, children will use these by themselves and will develop their own strategies too.

It’s important that the children involved agree to the strategies, rather than having you (or the older/bigger child) impose them, so the smaller/younger child gets to understand that their needs are important too.  The child who has the toy should also have the option to say “I’m using this right now.  I don’t want you to play with it.”

In public places, where a conflict between children is brewing, you might ask the other parent “Are you OK with letting them work it out by themselves?”  You may still want to move in closer so you can support the children by narrating what you see if they’re having a hard time.

Age 5+

Hopefully by this age you’re starting to reap the benefits of the work you’ve put in thus far as the children become more able to use the skills you’ve been working on.  The child may have a few very special possessions that they don’t want others to play with – special Lego structures, for example – which works in most families as long as there’s enough Lego to go around.  

If you’re still not seeing sharing behavior by this point, it might be time to step in with some new tools.  You could role-play with your child: play alongside them, and when they ask you if they can use something that’s already in your hands, say ‘No, I’d like to keep playing with it.’  Then talk about how the child feels, and how their friend probably feels in a similar situation.

You might be tempted to praise “good sharing” when you see it, but a whole host of research suggests we should resist doing this. Children are less likely to engage in an activity again after being praised for it, and are especially less likely to do the activity spontaneously (i.e. without first looking around to see if a suitable adult is watching).  If you feel you need to reinforce the benefits of sharing, focus on the impact on the other child: “Carly looked so happy when you gave her the toy!  She waited so patiently, and you gave it to her right when the timer went off, just like you said you would.”

Most of all, have confidence that your child will learn to share when they are ready!

For a deeper dive on sharing, check out my podcast episode on this topic.  You’ll learn:

• The concept of altruism as distinct from sharing
• More specific research findings about sharing behavior
• The concept of ownership development, including when children recognize their own possessions versus others’
• Alfie Kohn’s theories and specific research studies on intrinsic motivation

Frequently Asked Questions About Sharing

1. Should I force my child to share?
Forcing sharing teaches obedience, rather than genuine sharing. Instead, focus on supporting turn-taking with toys.  It’s OK to put some highly prized toys away during a playdate!

2. How do I handle sharing conflicts in public?
Stay close, narrate what’s happening (“I see two children who both want the bucket…”, and guide children in resolving conflicts. If needed, check with the other parent before intervening.

3. What’s the best way to handle sibling toy fights?
Sibling toy fights are almost never about the toys!  You may buy two of everything and find that they still fight.  Instead, consider what needs each child has, and whether these are currently being met.  They will likely fight less once their needs – especially for connection – are met more regularly.

4. Does praising sharing help kids do it more?
Overpraising can backfire – it may make children more likely to share when an adult is present to observe their ‘good sharing,’ but when the adult (or the praise) is absent, the sharing behavior disappears. Instead of praising sharing, you could (1) say nothing; or (2) observing the impact of sharing on the other child: “Rosa is smiling!  I think she appreciates getting a turn with the truck.”  Try framing your observation as an idea rather than a fact (so, not: “Rosa is happy she’s getting a turn with the truck!”) because you don’t know for certain that Rosa is feeling happy.

How do you set effective limits on your child’s challenging behaviors?

When parents are having a hard time with their kids’ sharing behavior, there are often other challenges happening as well.  If your child is doing things like:

• Having tantrums
• Talking back
• Stalling, so daily tasks take forrreeeevvveeerrr
• Biting/hitting/kicking
• Using mean words

…then help is here!  Thousands of parents have taken my Setting Loving & Effective Limits workshop and have discovered how to set limits their kids will respect – and also set way fewer limits than they ever thought possible.

By joining the workshop, you’ll discover:

• The 10-minute practice that makes your child want to cooperate with you
• Ways to cut the number of limits set by at least half – without letting your child walk all over you or becoming a permissive parent
• How to stop arguing, tantrumming, yelling, disrespectful tone, ignoring you – as well as bickering, hitting, and fighting between siblings!

It’s available in two different forms:

• Mid-May to Mid-March each year: Take the course at your own pace
• Mid-March to Mid-May each year: Sign up and take the course with my support in early May!

Click the image below to learn more and sign up:

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We’ve all been there.

Your preschooler wakes up in a foul mood (don’t we all, every once in a while?), and starts crying before she even gets out of bed.  Nothing you do can make it right: she doesn’t want the same thing she has for breakfast every morning; she can’t choose something she does want; she hits her brother; she collapses in a sobbing heap on the floor.

Or maybe your “witching hour” comes later in the day, after school or at bedtime: he doesn’t WANT to go in the bath.  He doesn’t want a bath with bubbles OR without bubbles.  He refuses to brush his teeth, with either bubblegum OR strawberry toothpaste.

Toddlers have tantrums, and to some extent we just need to be supportive and get through them because they don’t really have the mental skills or vocabulary to express what they need.  But by the time your child is about three, some new abilities start to open up that create enormous opportunities for you.  They are able to think about more than one way to do something, and their vocabularies are expanding so they can begin to express these new ideas.

They probably aren’t yet fully able to regulate their own emotions, which is why they still have these occasional tantrums.  But what if there was a way to use some of their new skills to avoid tantrums in the first place?

The good news: there is!

The bad news: this method does require you to go through one tantrum to figure it out.  But isn’t that a small price to pay?

The best news is that this method is most powerful for the types of tantrums that are related to issues you face repeatedly related to their ideas about how things should work in your house (like whether it’s OK to eat ice cream right before bed).  You may still get the ones that result from being over-tired or hungry/hangry, but you already know the fix for those ones…

Here’s your action plan:

1. Your child is having a tantrum about something. Maybe you said “no” to something they really want to do, and they’ve had a tantrum about this same issue at least once before.  If the limit was set for safety reasons, hold the line.  If the limit wasn’t set for safety reasons, come up with a way you can “give in” without sacrificing your original goal.  If your child wants ice cream right before bed, give them a little bit on a teaspoon.  If they just DO NOT want to get dressed for preschool, allow them to go to school in pajamas.  Just get through the current issue as best you can, allowing them to get “their way” to the extent reasonably possible.

  This likely goes against everything you’ve done as a parent: holding the line so your child knows they can’t walk all over you.  Don’t despair –    this method does NOT rely on your child walking all over you – in fact, it’s going to invite your child to WANT to cooperate with you.

2. When you reach a natural separation point (your child has to leave for school, or at bedtime, etc.) say “I’m so sorry we had a rough morning/evening. Let’s talk about it some more tonight/tomorrow, OK?”  Over time, this phrase is going to become a signal between you and your child that a brainstorming session is coming.

  It’s important that “let’s talk about it later” isn’t delivered in a threatening way – you’re not going to spend the day/night thinking about ways to punish your child.   Rather, it’s an invitation for what I’m about to describe.

3. Pick a time after preschool/the next day when you’re both calm, well-fed, and engaged with each other (perhaps doing a puzzle, or sitting together at the park).

 Say: “I’m sorry this morning was tough.  It was really hard for me, and it looked like it was hard for you as well.  [If necessary, add “I’m so sorry I had to…(insert action that you took that you now regret).]  Can you help me to understand what happened?”

Depending on your child’s age and cognitive/verbal abilities, you may need to provide more or less scaffolding in this process.  If your child is on the older side, they might be able to immediately explain what happened.  If they’re on the younger side, you might need to ask “It seemed like you just woke up not feeling great – did you get enough sleep?” or “It seemed like your brother did something to irritate you – is that right?”.  Keep probing until you feel like you’ve found the root cause of the issue.

4. Brainstorm ways to avoid having this happen again. Invite your child’s suggestions first.  Say “It would be really nice if we didn’t have to have mornings like that.  I feel terrible, and it makes me late for work, and it really doesn’t seem as though you enjoy it either.  Let’s think of some things we can do that could help us avoid going through this again.”  Again, scaffold as needed: if your child is older/you’ve done this before, ask: “Do you have any ideas?”  If your child is younger/this is your first time doing this, say “Let’s start with some of my ideas, and if you have ideas too then I’d like to hear them.”

Write ALL the ideas down!  It helps the child to see that you’re taking their ideas seriously.

Don’t throw out any ideas to start with.  If they suggest eating a mountain of ice cream for breakfast every day, write it down.  You’re not committing to it yet.

5. Think through (together!) which ideas will work for both of you. Ask your child if there are any ideas on the list that won’t work for them (you’ll need to read the list to them to remind them).  Cross those ideas out.  Cross out ideas that absolutely won’t work for you, explaining why each one won’t work for you.

6. Examine the ideas that are left. See whether any of them could really be workable if you made a slight tweak.  Come up with a plan that works – for both of you.  This is really the key here: this isn’t you making a plan and saying “do you agree?” in a tone that makes it clear there really is no other option.

7. The next time you see the first hint of a potential tantrum (or the conditions that lead to it) related to this issue, remind your child of the plan you made together, and put it into action.

Avoiding tantrums through skill development, not distraction

The key to this method is that it’s backed by science.  Self-Determination Theory is a theory about what motivates people to act.  Calling it a “theory” implies that we don’t really know much about it but that isn’t the case here – SDT has been studied for decades and is supported by many empirical studies.  The three components of SDT are connectedness, competence, and autonomy.

You connect when you close the immediate issue by saying “I’m so sorry we had a rough morning/evening” and by ensuring that you’re both in a good mood before broaching the issue again in a gentle, loving way.

You support your child’s competence by inviting them to bring their own ideas to the brainstorming session.  You’re saying “I know that together we can find a solution to this issue.”

You support your child’s autonomy by showing you value their ideas, by writing them down and by giving them just as much weight as your own ideas.  Over time, you may find that the kinds of ideas your child brings to these sessions are creative and fresh and solve the problem in a way that you would never have imagined by yourself.

Yes, you do have to get through a tantrum to use this method.  But I typically find that I can make it through any tantrum with grace as long as I know that it’s pretty likely to be the last one I see on this topic.  And since many children tend to be triggered by similar things over and over again, by addressing each of their triggers as they come up you may pretty soon find yourself mostly tantrum-free.  In the process you will have supported them in developing skills that they’ll be able to use with you, with other children, and for the rest of their lives.

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