1. Childhood defiance is rarely about willfulness. When a child pushes back, they’re usually either trying to connect with you or telling you they’ve had too little say over their own day.
2. When your child says a flat “no” instead of melting down, that’s actually progress. Simple refusals show more self-control than defiance does. A child who complies with everything is not the goal.
3. If you’re not sure why you’re setting a limit, your child will sense it – and test it. Limits that stick come from values you actually believe in, not from fear of what might happen if you don’t hold them.
4. Before you add another limit, look at the ratio. If your child is getting five corrections for every one warm moment, the relationship needs attention before the behavior does.
5. Haim Ginott’s three-zone framework sorts behavior into what you welcome, what you tolerate temporarily, and what you never allow. Knowing which zone you’re in stops you from fighting battles that don’t need to be fought.
6. Natural consequences happen on their own – the world does the teaching. Logical consequences are something you set up, and they only work when they’re directly tied to the behavior. Punishment is neither – it’s unrelated to what happened and teaches the child to react to your power rather than take on your values.
7. When you know the need driving the behavior – especially the need for autonomy – you stop managing defiance and start resolving it. Most children have the same three to five needs underneath most of their hardest moments.

You ask your child not to jump on the couch. They look you right in the eye, climb up, and start jumping.

What do you do next? 

You could calmly repeat yourself – and they get off the couch and immediately start emptying the kitchen cupboards. 

You could tell them for the hundredth time to stop, your voice getting louder. 

You could explode and then spend the next hour feeling guilty about it. 

Or you could sigh and look the other way, because you already know how this ends.

None of those feel right. And if you’ve tried all of them and you’re still having the same fight every day, that’s not a you problem. It’s a signal that something different needs to happen.

Childhood defiance is one of the most exhausting things parents deal with. And the instinct is almost always to set more limits, hold them more firmly, and push harder for compliance. But the research tells a different story. 

Most of the time, setting more limits makes defiance worse. What actually helps is understanding what your child’s behavior is communicating, knowing your own needs, and building the kind of relationship where limits rarely have to be set in the first place. .  Let’s see how to do that – because it’s totally possible.

What Childhood Defiance Is Really Telling You

When a child ignores a request, does the opposite of what you asked, hits a sibling, or stalls at bedtime every single night, it’s easy to see that as a character problem. A willful child. A difficult child. A child who just doesn’t listen.

But behavior is communication. And what looks like defiance is usually either a bid for connection or a response to having too many limits placed on their sense of control over their own life.

Testing limits is actually a developmental milestone

When your child says a flat “no” – just a simple refusal, no drama attached – that’s actually progress.

Dr. Grazyna Kochanska’s research on how children experience parental requests found that the way children express noncompliance shifts as they grow. Young children tend toward passive noncompliance – they just don’t do the thing – or direct defiance. 

Over time, those patterns shift toward simple refusals and negotiation. Simple refusals, where the child just says “no”, are viewed in the research as a developmental milestone. They show more autonomy and competence than defiance does, because the child’s goal has shifted from resisting you to asserting themselves.

So when a five-year-old looks you in the eye and says “no, I don’t want to”, they’ve actually leveled up. That’s not the same as a two-year-old screaming and throwing things. It’s a more skilled form of resistance. Which means testing limits, or at least the more sophisticated versions of it, reflects healthy development – not a problem to be eliminated.

Dr. Alan Sroufe put it plainly: “Automatic compliance is not the hallmark of a competent two-year-old.” A child who says yes to everything you ask, every time, is not a parenting success story. Research shows that highly compliant boys at age five were more likely to struggle with anxiety, sadness, and fearfulness. Complete compliance is not the goal.

Is defiance a sign of unmet needs?

Very often, yes. Consider the story of parent Peju, whose daughter was refusing to eat dinner every night and resisting going to Chinese class. Peju couldn’t figure out where all this resistance was coming from.

When we looked at the full picture of their day together, we noticed how many limits Peju was setting – and that most of them had nothing to do with her actual values. 

Once Peju pulled back on those limits and let her daughter make more choices throughout the day – what to eat for breakfast, when to eat it, what to pack for lunch – the resistance dissolved. Her daughter started eating dinner and going to Chinese class without a fight.

The behavior had been communicating: you’re not the boss of me.

What does unmet need mean in this context? It means your child has something they’re trying to get – autonomy, connection, competence, safety – and the strategies they’re using to get it are ones you find difficult or exhausting. When you don’t know what your child’s needs are, their behavior looks like defiance. When you do, it starts to make sense.

The Real Reason Setting Limits Feels So Hard

Most parents don’t struggle because they haven’t found the right script or because children are stubborn. They’re struggling for one of three deeper reasons – and no script fixes any of them.

Why setting limit feels hard reason #1: You’re not sure what your values are

Values and goals are different things. A goal is the summit of the hike. Values are the decisions you make about how you want the journey to feel – whether you take photos, whether you chat or hike in silence, whether you pack trail mix or a gourmet lunch.

Goals tell us where we want to go. Values guide the decisions we make along the way.

When you don’t know what your values are, setting limits becomes guesswork. You’re setting limits based on fear (what if they become someone nobody wants to be around?) rather than on something you actually believe. And children can tell. If you set a limit you don’t believe in, your tone won’t be clear and firm – it’ll be uncertain and slightly apologetic, and your child will test it.

Our couch was about 12 years old when Carys was one and jumping on it, it seemed okay. By the time she was three and still jumping on it, it was creaking, springs were collapsing. And it was clear it was not meant to take that kind of use. So we did institute a limit of not jumping on the couch.

That limit came from a genuine value – respecting property. The limit was enforced simply because I believed in it. When you believe the limit, you don’t have to gear up for conflict. You just hold it.

Why setting limit feels hard reason #2: You’re setting limits to control behavior, not to meet a need

Think of a time when someone told you that you had no choice – that you had to do something. Maybe a parent told you what major to take in college. A boss handed you a project without asking. A partner told you what they wanted you to do and made it clear that wasn’t a discussion.

Did you want to do the thing? Even if you’d wanted it before, maybe you wanted it just a little bit less once someone took away your say.

All humans – including children who can’t yet speak – want a say over what happens to them. That’s the need for autonomy, one of the three core needs identified in self-determination theory (autonomy, competence, and relatedness). And it doesn’t kick in at adolescence or school age. It’s there in infancy. The older children get, the more strongly they feel it.

When we set limit after limit throughout the day, children push back because their need for autonomy is chronically unmet. 

The question worth asking isn’t just “what do I want my child to do?” It’s also “what do I want their reason to be for doing it?” If the answer is fear – fear of me, fear of punishment, fear of what happens if they don’t – then we’re building something that might look like compliance but is actually a child who’s given up on advocating for themselves.

Why setting limit feels hard reason #3: You don’t know your own needs

This one is the most important – and the hardest.

Once when Carys was about six, she was jumping on the deck of a house we were staying in, and she kept jumping toward the steps down to the garden. My first instinct was to say “stop jumping like that, you’re going to hurt yourself.” But I knew what my actual need was: safety. Her safety, specifically. 

So instead I said: “I’m worried you’re going to fall down the steps and hurt yourself. How can we make sure that doesn’t happen?”

She had an idea. I had an idea. Hers conflicted slightly with mine, so she came up with another one – moving pebbles to the side so she could mark her jumps without landing on them. That met both of our needs without a limit. She got play, movement, joy, and competence. I got safety.

None of that would have been possible if I hadn’t known what I actually needed. If I’d been operating on a vague sense of irritation – or if my need had actually been for quiet and I hadn’t recognized it – I would have felt resistant to her suggestions without knowing why. My window of tolerance would have narrowed, and eventually I would have snapped.

Knowing your needs doesn’t just help you set better limits. It often means you don’t need to set one at all.

Connection Before Correction

The most powerful limit-setting tool you have isn’t a consequence or a script. It’s your relationship with your child. A positive relationship between parent and child reduces the need for limits and increases the effectiveness of the ones you do set. 

What the 5:1 ratio means for childhood defiance

Drs. John and Julie Gottman’s research on couples found that relationships stay healthy when there are at least five positive interactions for every negative one. When the ratio drops below that, partners start interpreting even neutral signals as hostile – and reacting accordingly.

Children work the same way (although I often think that because we’re in a position of power over them, ideally we should be aiming for a higher than 5:1 ratio because our position of power is itself a ‘negative’ position).

Many of the parents who feel stuck in a cycle of childhood defiance are running the ratio in reverse. They’re giving five corrections, limit-settings, and redirections for every one warm, connected moment.

If you have or have had a partner, think about what your relationship with them is like when you get five instructions, criticisms, and redirections for each “thanks,” “I appreciate you,” or “I love you.”  We’d want relationship counseling, stat. 

A child can’t ask for relationship counseling, so they become ‘defiant.’  (We might get that way too, if our partner won’t agree to counseling.)

The defiance is a signal. And setting more limits in response to that signal tends to make things worse – just like your partner giving more instructions, criticisms, and redirections would annoy you more.

What connection before correction actually looks like

A parent named Jamie had been working on her relationship with her daughter and was getting better at pausing before responding. One evening, she was walking with her daughter outside a grocery store when her daughter started heading toward a meltdown. Tired, upset, pulling in the other direction, almost tantruming.

The old move would have been to tell her daughter to watch her tone, keep walking, they needed to get the ingredient for dinner. Instead Jamie stopped. She said: “I can see you’re very tired, and you really want to go home. You must have had a really, really hard day today.”

Her daughter stopped. And said yes – she’d had a terrible day. A boy had hit her at school.

The defiance dissolved. Her daughter became talkative, happier, more cooperative. They went into the store. Things were better.

A limit would not have helped there. Correcting her daughter’s tone would not have helped. Her daughter had a need to be heard and understood. Once that need was met, she was able to cooperate with what Jamie needed too.

That’s what connection before correction looks like in practice. It isn’t always a dramatic turnaround. But it works because it addresses what’s actually happening, rather than the surface behavior.

How secure attachment reduces the need for limits

Dr. Kochanska’s research on what she called “committed compliance” – where children genuinely take on a parent’s values rather than complying out of fear or habit – found that it occurred most often when the parent and child had a mutually positive relationship. Children in those relationships didn’t need to be controlled as forcefully to cooperate. And taking on the parent’s values deepened the relationship further. Relatedness leads compliance, and compliance deepens relatedness.

Secure attachment behavior in parents – being responsive, warm, consistent – creates the conditions for children to want to take on your values. Not because you’re forcing them to. Because the relationship is one they want to maintain.

If you want this kind of connection with your child, but are still not sure how to make it work in real life – in your specific situation – the Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits workshop was built for exactly that. In about eight days, you’ll go from understanding these ideas to actually being able to use them. Enrollment for the live workshop is open until April 26. Pay-what-you-want pricing is available until April 16. After that, the price moves up to a fixed rate. Click here to join the workshop.

How to Set Limits That Actually Work

So what does effective limit-setting actually look like? Haim Ginott – an Israeli elementary school teacher who studied psychology at Columbia University and later worked with troubled children in Jacksonville, Florida – proposed a framework that still holds up decades later. It’s built around three zones of behavior, and it starts from a very different place than most parenting advice.

Click here to download the How to Set Limits That Actually Work

Zone 1: Behavior You Actively Welcome (Say Yes as Much as Possible)

The more you can default to yes, the less limit-setting you need. And your 5:1 ratio improves automatically.

When my daughter wants to go outside without shoes, instead of “you can’t go out without shoes”, I say: “Hey, you don’t have shoes on. Last time you went out without shoes you stepped on a rock and hurt your foot. Do you want to put shoes on?” She gets to decide. I don’t need to set a limit. She gets to practice deciding how much risk she’s willing to take.

If I’m not sure whether to say yes to something, I say: “I need a minute to think about it – can you tell me why you want to?” And then, if possible, I say yes. Every time I say yes, I’m making a positive deposit in the relationship account and skipping a potential conflict entirely.

Zone 2: The Gray Area (Where Most Limit-Setting Goes Wrong)

Zone 2 is the gray area: behavior that isn’t welcomed, but that you’re tolerating for specific reasons. Ginott identifies two distinct reasons for tolerance, and they call for different responses.

Leeway for Learners

Some behavior gets a pass because of where the child is developmentally. A twelve-month-old who spills food while learning to use a spoon isn’t being defiant. A toddler who grabs a toy from another child hasn’t yet developed the language to ask for it. A three-year-old who says “no” to almost everything is practicing a developmental skill, not staging a coup.

This kind of tolerance is about matching your expectations to your child’s developmental stage. Magda Gerber, the founder of RIE (Resources for Infant Educarers), put it this way: “Discipline is not a set of rigidly enforced mandates, but a process in which the child learns to become a social being.” We shouldn’t expect things from our children that are against the nature of where they are developmentally.

Leeway for Hard Times

The other reason to temporarily relax a limit is that something hard is happening – for the child, or for you. Illness, a bad day at school, a family move, a death in the family, fatigue, or any other significant stressor can temporarily shrink a child’s window of tolerance. Fatigue belongs on this list too – for parent and child both. 

But the key is to be conscious about it. If you allow usually-prohibited behavior without naming it, it looks inconsistent from your child’s perspective. A better approach: “I’m going to let this go tonight because I can see you’ve had a really hard day. Tomorrow when we’re both rested, let’s talk about it.”

Zone 2 is where most parents get into trouble. You set a limit you’re not sure you believe in, your child protests, and suddenly you’re committed to holding a position you can’t fully defend – or you back down and feel like you’ve undermined your own authority. The way out is to push as many Zone 2 behaviors as possible into Zone 1 (just say yes) or Zone 3 (a clear, held limit), and to stay conscious about the times you’re choosing to tolerate something temporarily.

Zone 3: Hard Limits Around Safety and Respect for People and Property

Zone 3 is non-negotiable. These are the limits you’ve thought through, you believe in completely, and you can actually follow through on.

My Zone 3 limits are about safety and respect for people and property. Running into the street. Riding without a helmet. Sharp knives unsupervised. These are clear, calm, and non-negotiable. My daughter hears it in my tone, and the vast majority of the time she complies immediately.

One important note on Zone 3: a limit you can’t actually enforce isn’t a limit. Setting a hard limit requires being honest about whether you can actually follow through – and finding a different approach when you can’t.

Even with a clear framework for zones and limits, there will be times when a child still doesn’t cooperate. That’s when consequences come in. But not all consequences work the same way – and only one of them actually helps a child take on your values rather than just react to your power.

Natural Consequences vs. Logical Consequences – And Why Neither Is the Same as Punishment

Punishment is unrelated to what the child did. It’s tied to the parent’s mood, the child’s interests, or how severe the offense feels. Taking away a favorite toy because they drew on the wall. Canceling a birthday party because they didn’t clean their room.

The child perceives this as a withdrawal of love rather than information about a value. And when punishment induces strong emotions, research suggests the child is more likely to remember the punishment than the principle behind it.

What is a natural consequence in parenting?

My daughter steps on a rock because she went out without shoes. She gets cold because she skipped the coat. I don’t have to do anything. The world does the teaching. I bring the coat along to make sure the consequence doesn’t outlast the lesson. A natural consequence works best when it is proportionate and happens quickly – not when it’s either trivial or potentially dangerous.

What is a logical consequence?

My daughter was cutting paper snowflakes and leaving tiny scraps all over her room, which is the first thing guests see when they walk into our house. The room kept getting messier. I tried problem-solving conversations – we agreed to ten-minute tidy-ups before bed. That worked for a day, then she refused. We tried a different plan; that one didn’t happen even once. I tried tidying the room for her a few times myself, which I eventually recognized as not a reasonable long-term approach.

So I said to her: “This room is always a mess. I’d like to work with you to figure out some ideas for keeping it cleaner. I have some ideas and I’d like to hear yours.”

I offered one: take the paper out of her room, and before she gets more paper we work together to make sure her room is tidy. She said yes. And it worked. She comes to me, asks for paper, I say “of course – let’s go tidy up first”, and we spend a few minutes tidying together before she gets more paper.

That’s a logical consequence. It’s tied directly to the issue. The control I’m exerting is minimal. And I’m clear that once she demonstrates she can manage the paper differently, I’ll shift the control back to her.

Consequence vs. Punishment

The difference between consequence and punishment is in the connection. A consequence is directly tied to the behavior. A punishment is not. If my daughter leaves her bike in the driveway and I take away her tablet, that’s a punishment – there’s no logical connection between the two things. If I put her bike in the garage for two days so she has to come ask for it and we can talk about where bikes go, that’s a consequence.

What is the main difference between punishment and discipline? Discipline in this framework is about helping them take on your values so they eventually regulate themselves. Punishment keeps the focus on power. Discipline – the kind Ginott and Gerber both described – keeps the focus on relationship and internalization.

What Is RIE Parenting and What Does It Say About Limits?

Gerber’s work goes beyond the zones framework we discussed above. RIE – Resources for Infant Educarers – is a full philosophy of caregiving built on the idea that children are whole, capable people from birth. Respectful caregiving in this framework means treating them as such: offering real choices, explaining what you’re doing and why, and trusting children to develop at their own pace.

On limits specifically, Gerber was clear that structure and control are not the same thing. She said, “Knowing when to give children freedom and when to introduce limits is the backbone of the RIE approach.” Limits in the RIE parenting method are about providing the information and structure children need to understand expectations.

One place where the research and common RIE advice part ways slightly: practitioners often advise saying “make sure to keep the pen on the paper” rather than “don’t draw on the table,” on the theory that children only hear the action and miss the “don’t”. But Dr. Kochanska’s research found that “don’t” can be effective when the parent-child relationship is strong. 

I use a hybrid – “do” when something would be nice but isn’t crucial, and “don’t” for more serious rule violations, usually followed by a couple of “you can do X instead” options. It’s worth experimenting to see what works best for your child.

If Gerber’s approach resonates, Your Self-Confident Baby unpacks how to apply it from the very beginning of a child’s life – including the thinking behind why structure and freedom aren’t opposites.

How Haim Ginott’s Ideas Were Proven Right by Research

Ginott’s two-part equation – accept emotions, be firm with behavior – was untested when he first proposed it. His clinical work was compelling, but there was no quantifiable evidence behind it.

Dr. Gottman provided that evidence, describing in the foreword of his book Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child being able to prove Ginott’s ideas were “essentially correct”. Those ideas became the twin foundations of emotion coaching (accept and name the feeling) and effective limit-setting (be clear and firm about the behavior).

Using Feelings and Needs to Set Fewer (and Better) Limits

Everything I’ve described above comes down to one practice: knowing your feelings and needs and your child’s feelings and needs, and using that knowledge to find solutions that work for both of you.

When you meet the need, the resistance disappears

A parent named Cori came to the Setting Loving (& Effective) Limits workshop in a place that many parents know too well. She was holding her nearly-two-year-old son down to brush his teeth every day. He hated it. She hated doing it to him. She’d tried asking when he’d be ready – he said “never”. She let him brush his own teeth, her teeth, his toys’ teeth. Without fail, she said, “he acts as if I’m torturing him when I go to brush his teeth”.

She suspected he had a need for autonomy. But she didn’t quite know how to address it. So she set toothbrushing aside and focused on giving him more autonomy throughout the rest of their day: letting him choose whether they ate breakfast inside or outside, letting him have a snack he asked for, talking about toothbrushing without forcing it.

She’d also been struggling with him dumping open containers of liquid. Instead of trying to stop it, she came ready one day with a plan: she told him he could dump the water in the bathtub or outside.

Here’s what she wrote: “He was thrilled. His eyes lit up. We went outside and he poured his tiny cup of water several times intensely and excitedly. How was this so easy? I had spent so much time and energy trying to prevent or manage this behavior. Later in the evening, he got a hold of my cup with a little water in it. I saw him start to pour and as my arm reached out instinctively, he stopped himself and asked me, ‘Outside?'”

Two days later, when Cori was working through the workshop, her son let her brush his teeth. She’d kept offering him real choices throughout the process. She wasn’t sure he understood all of it – but she was pretty sure he could sense that she was willing to try to meet him somewhere new, and that she would make accommodations that took him into account. They ended up brushing in the kitchen sink. He opened his mouth and let her brush for the first time in probably a year. She brushed about 80% of his teeth with no struggle.

She concluded with this: “I have the sense that in the future, I will get back all the extra time I’m investing in this process now along with a much deeper relationship between us based on trust and not force.”

Cori didn’t find a better script for getting teeth brushed. She found her son’s need for autonomy and started meeting it throughout their whole day together. The toothbrushing resolved because the underlying need was finally being addressed.

How to find your child’s biggest need

Most children are trying to meet the same three to five needs all day long. In my book Parenting Beyond Power, I describe these as a child’s “cherry needs” – the needs at the very top of their cupcake. Understanding them means you don’t have to go through the whole feelings and needs list in the middle of a meltdown. You go to the cherry needs first. If it isn’t that, you check the next layer. If it isn’t that, you go to the full list.

Finding out what your child’s cherry needs are takes about three minutes using this free quiz. Once you know, a lot of the “random” defiance and resistance starts to look like a very consistent pattern – and that pattern becomes much easier to respond to.

Your free feelings and needs lists

Print them. Put them on the fridge. Pull them out when things get hard.

Even just the act of pulling out the list in a calm moment – before things get hard – shifts the way you see your child’s behavior. Instead of asking “how do I get them to stop?” you start asking “what are they trying to get?” And when you’ve done that work ahead of time, you’re much better placed to recognize what’s happening in the moment – and respond to it.

There are free feelings lists and needs lists with word lists for adults and picture lists for children, so even kids who aren’t reading yet can point to what they’re experiencing.

Final Thoughts

When children learn that their resistance will always be seen as their problem, that their needs don’t change what happens, that compliance is what keeps the peace – we teach them something about themselves. We teach them that what they want and need doesn’t matter much.

The child who stops fighting you is not always the success story. Sometimes they’ve just given up.

Everything in this post points toward the same thing. Know your feelings and needs. Know your child’s. Say yes as much as you can. Hold the limits you actually believe in, calmly and clearly. Build the relationship so your child wants to cooperate – because the relationship between you is one worth maintaining.

The defiance was never the problem. It was a signal. And once you know how to read it, it stops being something to overcome and starts being something useful – a window into what your child needs, and a chance to build something better than compliance.

Still Stuck in the Same Patterns?

If you want the tools to make this work in your house – not just the research behind it – the live round of Setting Limits is now open for enrollment until April 26. And you can sign up with pay-what-you-want pricing until April 16. After that, the price moves up to a fixed rate. Click the banner to learn more and sign up.

Frequently Asked Questions About Childhood Defiance

1. What is childhood defiance?

Childhood defiance is when a child ignores your requests, does the opposite of what you asked, or pushes back repeatedly against limits. But it’s rarely about willfulness. Most of the time it’s communication – either a bid for connection or a sign that your child’s need for autonomy is chronically unmet. Understanding what’s driving the behavior is more useful than finding better ways to stop it.

2. What does it mean to test limits?

Testing limits is when a child repeatedly pushes against a rule or request. I know that can feel exhausting and personal – but research by Dr. Grazyna Kochanska shows it’s actually a developmental milestone. Simple refusals show more autonomy and competence than defiance does. Complete compliance – a child who says yes to everything – is associated with anxiety and fearfulness by age five. When your child negotiates instead of melts down, that’s progress, not regression.

3. What does unmet need mean in parenting?

An unmet need means your child is trying to get something – autonomy, connection, competence, safety – and their current strategies for getting it are ones you find difficult or exhausting.

If you need help in identifying your child’s biggest need, take this free quiz to find out. You’ll also receive practical strategies on how to meet it.

4. What is connection before correction?

Connection before correction means pausing to understand what’s driving your child’s behavior before responding to it. Think about what it’s like to receive five instructions, criticisms, and redirections for every warm moment with a partner. You’d want relationship counseling. A child can’t ask for that – so they become defiant instead. Rebuilding the ratio of positive to negative interactions often resolves the behavior without any consequence being needed at all.

5. What is the difference between boundaries and limits?

In everyday use, these words are often interchangeable. In the research-based parenting framework I use, limits refer to the constraints we set around a child’s behavior, while boundaries more often describe what a parent is willing to do in a relationship. In practice, the more useful question isn’t which word to use – it’s whether the limit you’re about to set reflects a genuine value, and whether there’s a way to meet everyone’s needs without setting one at all.

6. What is an example of a logical consequence in parenting?

A logical consequence is directly tied to the behavior and applied as minimally as possible. If a child keeps leaving art supplies all over a shared space, one logical consequence is that the supplies are stored out of reach temporarily – and before getting more, you tidy the space together. It addresses the actual issue, requires minimal control, and gets removed once it’s no longer needed. That’s what separates it from punishment, which is unrelated to the behavior and focuses on making the child pay rather than on the value behind the limit.

7. What is the main difference between punishment and discipline?

Punishment is unrelated to what the child did. It’s tied to the parent’s mood, the child’s interests, or how severe the offense feels – and it communicates withdrawal of love rather than information about a value. Discipline, in the framework built on Haim Ginott and RIE parenting, is about helping children take on your values so they eventually regulate themselves. 

8. What is connection before consequence?

Connection before consequence means addressing your child’s emotional state before applying any consequence for their behavior. Relationships stay healthy when there are at least five positive interactions for every negative one – what the Gottmans call the 5:1 ratio. When a child is living in an environment weighted toward correction and limit-setting, their behavior reflects that. Rebuilding the ratio through connection first often resolves the behavior without any consequence being needed at all.

Some links to books are affiliate links, which means I receive a small commission that does not affect the price you pay.

References:

Deater-Deckard, K. (2000). Parenting and child behavioral adjustment in early childhood: A quantitative genetic approach to studying family processes. Child Development, 71(2), 468–484. https://doi.org/10.1111/1467-8624.00158

Gershoff, E. T. (2002). Corporal punishment by parents and associated child behaviors and experiences: A meta-analytic and theoretical review. Psychological Bulletin, 128(4), 539–579. https://doi.org/10.1037/0033-2909.128.4.539

Ginott, H. (1965). Between Parent and Child. New York, NY: Macmillan.

Gottman, J. M., & Levenson, R. W. (1992). Marital processes predictive of later dissolution: behavior, physiology, and health. Journal of personality and social psychology, 63(2), 221–233. https://doi.org/10.1037//0022-3514.63.2.221

Joussemet, M., Landry, R., & Koestner, R. (2008). A self-determination theory perspective on parenting. Canadian Psychology / Psychologie canadienne, 49(3), 194–200. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0012754

Kochanska, G., & Aksan, N. (1995). Mother-child mutually positive affect, the quality of child compliance to requests and prohibitions, and maternal control as correlates of early internalization. Child Development, 66(1), 236–254. https://doi.org/10.2307/1131203

Kochanska, G., Barry, R. A., Stellern, S. A., & O’Bleness, J. J. (2009). Early attachment organization moderates the parent-child mutually coercive pathway to children’s antisocial conduct. Child development, 80(4), 1288–1300. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1467-8624.2009.01332.x

Kuczynski, L., & Kochanska, G. (1990). Development of children’s noncompliance strategies from toddlerhood to age 5. Developmental Psychology, 26(3), 398–408. https://doi.org/10.1037/0012-1649.26.3.398

Lumanlan, J. (2026, January 4). Intentional Parenting Goals That Actually Work. Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/intentional-parenting-goals/ 

Lumanlan, J. (2024, April 7). 208: Three reasons why setting limits is hard (and what to do about each of them). Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/captivate-podcast/threereasonssettinglimits/ 

Lumanlan, J. (2023, April 23). 182: How to get frustrating behavior to stop. Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/captivate-podcast/frustratingbehavior/

Lumanlan, J. (202, September 7). 119: Aligning Your Parenting With Your Values. Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/captivate-podcast/upbringing/ 

Lumanlan, J. (2019, April 14). 088: Setting loving – and effective! – limits. Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/captivate-podcast/limits/ 

Lumanlan, J. (2018, December 9). 079: What is RIE?. Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/captivate-podcast/whatisrie/ 

Lumanlan, J. (n.d-a). Feelings list. Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/feelings/ 

Lumanlan, J. (n.d-b). Needs list. Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/needs/ 

Lumanlan, J. (n.d-c). Setting Loving (& Effective) Limits Workshop. Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/settinglimits 

Matas, L., Arend, R. A., & Sroufe, L. A. (1978). Continuity of adaptation in the second year: The relationship between quality of attachment and later competence. Child Development, 49(3), 547–556. https://doi.org/10.2307/1128221

Ryan, R. M., & Deci, E. L. (2000). Self-determination theory and the facilitation of intrinsic motivation, social development, and well-being. American Psychologist, 55(1), 68–78. https://doi.org/10.1037/0003-066X.55.1.68

Sirois, M. S., Bernier, A., Gagné, C. M., & Mageau, G. A. (2022). Early maternal autonomy support as a predictor of child internalizing and externalizing behavior trajectories across early childhood. Social Development, 31, 883–899. https://doi.org/10.1111/sode.12575

Finding this useful? Share with a friend!

1. All parenting book authors promote a vision for society – some prioritize teaching kids to obey authority, while respectful parenting approaches emphasize collaboration (though they often still position the parent’s goals as the ‘right’ ones).
2. The top parenting books I recommend don’t focus on getting compliance. Instead, they help you understand your child’s needs and build relationships where everyone matters.
3. Great parenting books show how to move beyond rewards and punishments using positive discipline and nonviolent communication strategies.
4. Respectful approaches to parenting start in infancy (asking babies permission during diaper changes) and continue through teen years (collaborative problem-solving instead of punishment).
5. Reading respectful parenting books gives you knowledge, but real change happens when you practice these ideas with coaching support and community.

Most parenting books don’t tell you about the world they’re trying to create.

But every single one of them has a vision for what society should look like. And that vision shows up in the strategies they teach you to use with your kids.

When an author gives you methods to get immediate compliance with your demands, they’re really talking about power. They’re saying that people should comply with the demands of those who have more power. That your child’s job is to do what you tell them to do, when you tell them to do it.

If our vision for an ideal world is where people who have power manipulate everyone else, then our values are aligned with our actions when we use tools from these books.

But if we hope to create a world where people work together to meet everyone’s needs, then these obedience-based books won’t get us where we want to go.  We can’t raise a child using compliance-based tools and expect them not to use power over others when they leave our homes. 

If we want to raise children – and adults who can understand their own feelings and needs, and also care about other people’s feelings and needs, we have to model how to do that.  If we want them to work on dismantling racial and gender power structures, we have to dismantle our power structures at home.  If we want them to come to us when they’re teens even when they’re in really dire situations (rather than hiding their mistakes from us) we have to show them when they’re little that we will hear their perspective and try to meet both  of our needs.  In my opinion, the best parenting books help us to put these ideas into practice.

Too often, parenting book authors don’t make these ideas clear.  They simply present ‘parenting tools,’ and because parenting is already hard, it’s assumed by authors and parents alike that anything that gets kids to do what parents say – to ‘listen’ – is a Good Thing.

If we don’t take the extra step of figuring out what the author’s ideas are about how the world should work, and what we want our relationship with our child to be like as they get older, we might end up using tools that aren’t aligned with our values.  

For example, I recently worked with a parent who was struggling to get their toddler to stay in bed in the evenings – bedtime routine that used to take 20 minutes now took two hours of screaming and exasperation.  Another parent had recommended a Time Out each time the child left their room.  The parent said: “That doesn’t feel right to me.”  They wanted to have a great relationship with their kid as she got older.  Using Time Outs says: “I don’t care why you’re coming out of your room; all that matters is that you stay in your room – because I say so.”  

Instead, we worked to understand why the toddler was coming out of her room – she had recently weaned, and was missing that connection with Mom.  She also wasn’t tired, and was afraid she was missing out.  The parent started:

• A daily Special Time practice (10 minutes of predictable daily play time focused on the child’s interests);
• Beginning bedtime routine later, when the child seemed tired, instead of early and before the child was tired;
• Turning off all the lights in the house when the child went to bed (and turning them back on again 20 minutes later once she was soundly asleep).

Within a week, bedtime routine was manageable again – no Time Outs or power-over moves required.

So if you pick up a parenting book, I’d encourage you to try to understand: what kinds of tools is this author recommending?  What do those tools say about what they believe about our relationship with kids, and what the world should be like?  And are those ideas aligned with what kind of relationship I want to have with my kids, and what I believe the world should be like?

This list of top parenting books helped me learn how to parent in a way that creates that world. These books are in the approximate order in which I encountered them. Not all of them are about parenting, but each of them taught me something that I see as important to my parenting today.

These aren’t your typical parenting book recommendations. You won’t find books here that focus on getting kids to behave or comply. Instead, these books focus on understanding children’s needs and building relationships where everyone matters. 

Before we dive in, I want to mention that there while there are many great parenting books available, there are some I specifically don’t recommend. The “Your X-Year-Old Child” series is one example. These books treat children’s behavior as fixed by their age, rather than as responses to their environment and attempts to meet their needs. If you’ve been relying on those books, this podcast episode explains why I suggest putting them aside.

Now, here are the books that have shaped my approach to parenting:

Click here to download the 12 Top Parenting Books That Focus on Connection Over Compliance

Parenting Book Recommendation #1: Your Self-Confident Baby: How to Encourage Your Child’s Natural Abilities – From the Very Start – Magda Gerber.  

A friend told me about this book when my daughter Carys was about three months old. I was standing in the shower one day, thinking: “How am I going to discipline her, and also not be the disliked parent?” (That I was thinking about discipline at three months old tells you something about the parenting I grew up with.)

The friend came over to visit us with their toddler, Jack.  Their child ran down our hallway toward our bedroom, and the parent said: “Jack, please don’t go in the bedroom – it’s private.  You can go in the baby’s room or come back here to the living room.”  Jack stood on the threshold of our bedroom, peeked in, and then ran back to the living room.

My jaw hit the floor, and I said: “How did you DO that??!”

This was the book the parent recommended.  Before reading it, I couldn’t have imagined that it was even possible to treat an infant respectfully (or disrespectfully!).  I started slowing down my diaper changes, talking through what I was going to do (even today, Carys will say to the cats at the animal shelter where we volunteer: “I’m going to pick you up now”!), and asking permission to do things to her body as soon as she was old enough to express a preference.

I later produced two related podcast episodes: one introducing Gerber’s Resources for Infant Educarers (RIE), and the other looking at whether RIE is backed up by academic research (as it wasn’t developed using research as a foundation).

It’s said that kids ‘age out’ of RIE at age two – likely because they become more able to express their ideas about what they think should happen.  And then other tools become more useful…

Parenting Book Recommendation #2: Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason – Alfie Kohn.  

This book changed my world, and helped me to see how parenting a child aged 2+ could be about something other than compliance.  Many of Kohn’s ideas – and his use of academic research to underpin his ideas – are still with me today:

• Punishments and rewards are really tightly related (it’s not that one is ‘bad’ and the other is ‘good’; if punishments don’t fit with our values then rewards don’t either)
• Kids (and all people) hide things from those who judge them;
• How we were parented shows up in our reactions to our kids’ behavior today
• When kids aren’t complying with our requests, one path forward is to reconsider whether the request is reasonable (and I’ve subsequently added: and consider whether there are other ways to meet our needs)
• “Attribute to children [I add: and all people!] the best possible motive consistent with the facts.”  E.g. if your child is having a meltdown, it’s more likely that they’re feeling overwhelmed than that they’re trying to manipulate you.
• Children can and should be treated with the same degree of respect with which we want to be treated
• Children can and should be allowed to make real choices about things that affect their bodies and lives
• Trying to see things from our child’s perspective almost always generates useful new information

Parenting Book Recommendation #3: The Hundred Languages of Children: The Reggio Emilia Experience in Transformation – Carolyn Edwards, Lella Gandini, and George Forman (Eds.)

I visited Reggio Emilia, Italy, when Carys was about 18 months old (and I carried her along Cinque Terra at a rate of one village per day afterward – most people hike the whole trail in a day!).  

I was the only parent among a sea of visiting preschool teachers, learning how to treat young children’s learning with the utmost respect.  We saw how to scaffold that learning sensitively so the child ‘owned’ as much of the process as possible, and how to let their ideas guide the learning instead of explicitly trying to ‘teach’ them.  

This book, comprised of a series of essays by different authors, gathers the major principles of the Reggio-based approach to working with children.

Parenting Book Recommendation #4: Becoming Brilliant: What Science Tells Us About Raising Successful Children – Roberta Michnick Golinkoff, PhD and Kathy Hirsh-Pasek, PhD.  

Dr. Golinkoff was a very early guest on the podcast way back in episode 10, just after this book was released.  It introduces the ‘6 Cs’ of children’s learning:

• Collaboration
• Communication
• Content
• Critical Thinking
• Creative Innovation
• Confidence

Schools focus largely on Content, so if we want our children to develop the other skills then that’s most likely to happen at home.  The book shows how this does happen at home, through simple activities like doing laundry together.  This gave me a lot of confidence to know that I could support Carys’ learning at home.

Even a decade and the arrival of AI later, I still find the ideas in the book to be compelling and relevant.

Parenting Book Recommendation #5: Parenting From Your Heart: Sharing the Gifts of Compassion, Connection, and Choice – Inbal Kashtan. 

This book gives a grounding in using principles of NonViolent Communication (which I think should be re-branded, because many people – myself included – have such a knee-jerk reaction to being told we communicate violently!) with kids.  Unconditional Parenting gives the theory of what our relationship with our kids would be like; NVC helps us to actually know what to do in difficult situations.

I know a parent who carries copies of this book to give away, because it’s so incredibly short and accessible.  Readers who actually want to implement the ideas may find it short on detail, but it’s a beautiful exploration of the application of NVC to relationships with children.

Parenting Book Recommendation #6: Dancing with Life: Buddhist Insights for Finding Meaning and Joy in the Face of Suffering – Phillip Moffitt.  

My first thorough introduction to Buddhist principles, that helped me through a tough patch in my own life and also helps me support Carys with her struggles today.  

When we see that only a small part of your suffering comes from the original pain, and most of your suffering comes from our reliving of that pain, we find that being in the present is a powerful path to experiencing less pain.

Parenting Book Recommendation #7: Beyond Behaviors: Using Brain Science and Compassion to Understand and Solve Children’s Behavioral Challenges – Dr. Mona Delahooke.  

Although this is based in Polyvagal Theory, the evidence for which is highly contested, I find Dr. Delahooke’s explanations for difficult behaviors to be compelling and useful.  

Her overall approach is that behavior is like an iceberg: we see the parts on top (that annoy us), but it’s much harder to see the overwhelm, anxiety, and disconnection that can create that behavior.  

When we only focus on changing the behavior, the child might learn to mask what’s underneath it so things seem better in the short term.  But the underlying causes don’t go away, and can pop out in other circumstances…or much further down the road in our relationship, when they realize we’ve been trying to control them – and they aren’t willing to let that happen anymore.

Listener Jamie and I interviewed Dr. Delahooke about the book here.

Dr. Delahooke’s iceberg metaphor shows that the behavior we see on top is driven by needs underneath. Wondering what need is driving your child’s most challenging behavior? Take the Child’s Needs Quiz to find out and get specific strategies that you can use today.

Parenting Book Recommendation #8: Dark Horse: Achieving Success Through the Pursuit of Fulfillment – Todd Rose and Ogi Ogas. 

This book describes how we can use our unique talents to create work we love to do.  

Most of the people profiled in the book – including Todd Rose himself – struggled through school before launching their own self-guided quest for fulfillment.  What if we could work with kids to support them in learning themselves so well that the next step in their future path(s) is obvious, and not one they have to find by themselves after doing a lot of unlearning lessons from school?

We don’t have to know every step in our life’s journey.  These days, we expect to pivot along the way – probably multiple times.

But I think that if we shift the way we support kids from: “Get into a good college, graduate, and the rest will sort itself out,” to: “Learn what lights you up, find ways to do that, and then learn what else lights you up,” I think that both individuals and the world will be much better off.

I interviewed Todd Rose here.

Parenting Book Recommendation #9: How to Stop Losing Your Sh*t With Your Kids: A Practical Guide to Becoming a Calmer, Happier Parent  – Carla Naumburg, PhD.  

This book is short, approachable, and very good at translating academic concepts into readable scenarios.

It gives a thorough grounding in why you lose your shit with your kids – and how to work on doing it less.  

There are some people who can read a book and immediately implement the changes they want to make – if you’re like this, I highly recommend this book.

For those who need more support to make the changes real in your life, my Taming Your Triggers workshop is here for you.

Parenting Book Recommendation #10: The ACT Workbook for Kids: Fun Activities to Help You Deal with Worry, Sadness, and Anger Using Acceptance and Commitment Therapy – Tamar D. Black, PhD.  

I never want to use tools that try to change kids’ behavior first.  I always want to begin by trying to understand: what need is the child trying to meet through their behavior?  And are there ways we can help you meet that need, that also meet my needs?

But there are times when the child recognizes that their actions aren’t helping them to meet their needs, and that they want to choose a different action but don’t yet know how.  Acceptance and Commitment Therapy-based tools can help them do that.  There’s an introduction to ACT here.

Parenting Book Recommendation #11: Validation: How the Skill Set That Revolutionized Psychology Will Transform Your Relationships, Increase Your Influence, and Change Your Life – Caroline Fleck, PhD.  

You’ll hear in my interview with Dr. Fleck that I think the first half of the book, which teaches you how to validate other people’s feelings, is outstanding.  I had no idea that validation and empathy were skills that could be learned, and that it’s possible to see which tools will be most helpful in which circumstances.  Neurodivergent folks who do well with specific instructions (and who might have been told they ‘lack empathy’) will find it especially helpful.  

I hate mutilating books but in this case I suggest ripping out the second half of the book, in which Dr. Fleck shows you how to use your new-found validation skills to manipulate other people into doing what you want them to do.

Parenting Book Recommendation #12: Spinning Threads of Radical Aliveness: Transcending the Legacy of Separation in our Individual Lives – Miki Kashtan

Part memoir, part manifesto, this book brilliantly connects Miki’s experiences growing up with broader societal observations about power.  She describes her father’s explicit project to break her spirit, her mother making feeble attempts to intervene at times but ultimately Father always got his way.  Sometimes he used overt methods (locking her out of the house at age six until she apologized for misbehavior) and sometimes covert (allowing her to make the choice about going to live on a kibbutz, and refusing to speak to her for as long as that was her choice).  

Even when our own punishment methods are less extreme, we often hold the power in our relationship with our kids.  That’s why we train children to ask: “Can I…?” to obtain approval.  Immediately after reading that, and knowing that I didn’t want to be in a power-over relationship with my daughter Carys, I encouraged her to say instead: “I’d like to…/I’m going to…” rather than “Can I…?”.  If I have concerns, we discuss them.  Otherwise, she goes ahead.

Through Miki’s own experiences we see how the coercive methods our parents used with us (and their parents used with them) have created pain in us – which has rippled out into our culture. It gives some starting points to work on addressing this, which I aimed to continue when I wrote Parenting Beyond Power.

Bonus: Parenting Beyond Power: How to Use Connection and Collaboration to Transform Your Family–and the World

Because I wanted to draw attention to this idea of the connection between parenting and what we want the world to be like, I wrote a book that does this explicitly. It also gives practical strategies grounded in real parents’ experience to help you be in a relationship with your kids where everyone’s needs are seen and met.  It ties together all the ideas in the books I’ve mentioned here, and parents who have consumed a lot of parenting books have told me they consider it among the best they’ve read.

Final Thoughts

These are the top parenting books I’ve found for parents who want to move beyond traditional discipline methods. From Magda Gerber’s respectful approach to infants to Alfie Kohn’s groundbreaking work on unconditional parenting, each of these books offers evidence-based strategies for understanding and connecting with your child.

Not all of them are specifically about parenting. Some are about Buddhist ideas, how kids learn, or therapy tools. But each one changed how I think about being in relationship with children.

If you’re looking for great parenting books that focus on meeting everyone’s needs rather than gaining compliance, this list is a good place to start.

Links to books are affiliate links, which means I receive a small commission that does not affect the price you pay.

From Reading to Real Life

These top parenting books teach you the theory. But theory doesn’t help when your child won’t put their shoes on and you’re already late.

That’s when you need to understand: What need is my child trying to meet right now?

Instead of fighting about shoes, you’re solving the actual problem. Instead of losing your temper, you’re responding in ways that work for both of you.

Take my free Identifying Your Child’s Needs Quiz to discover what need your child is trying to meet in your most challenging situation. You’ll receive specific strategies to help you respond in ways that work for both of you.

Click the banner to take the quiz.

Frequently Asked Questions About Best Parenting Books

1. What makes a respectful parenting book different from traditional parenting books?

Respectful parenting books focus on understanding your child’s feelings and needs and meeting their needs AND your needs, rather than on just getting compliance. Traditional books often teach methods to make kids obey quickly, which reinforces the idea that people with more power should be obeyed. The best parenting books help you build relationships where everyone’s needs matter. They teach collaboration instead of control, and help children learn to care about other people’s feelings while understanding their own.

2. What is the best parenting book for beginners?

Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn is excellent for parents starting to explore respectful approaches because it lays the theoretical groundwork for making a change.  My own book, Parenting Beyond Power, offers a practical guide to living the values Kohn lays out in Unconditional Parenting, in the moments when your kid is refusing to do what you ask.

If you have an infant, start with Your Self-Confident Baby by Magda Gerber to learn respectful parenting from the very beginning.

3. Are there evidence-based parenting books that don’t use behaviorism?

Yes. Beyond Behaviors by Dr. Mona Delahooke uses Polyvagal Theory, which attempts to explain what’s happening in kids’ brains when their behavior is difficult. She offers: “When we see a behavior that is problematic or confusing, the first question we should ask isn’t “How do we get rid of it?” but rather “What is this telling us about the child?”

The book helps us to understand that children’s difficult behavior (especially at school) can indicate that they don’t feel safe.  When we change their environment to help them meet their need for safety, they’re much more able to learn than if we try to simply shape their behavior using rewards or consequences.

4. What parenting books help with managing triggers and staying calm?

How to Stop Losing Your Sh*t With Your Kids by Carla Naumburg gives practical strategies for understanding why you get triggered and how to respond differently to your kids.  It’s a great resource for people who can read a book and implement the ideas in it. 

Dancing with Life by Phillip Moffitt offers Buddhist principles.  These helped me to see that worrying about things that have happened or that might happen doesn’t really help – and just adds to my suffering.  When instead we focus simply on what is here in this moment, we find we can cope with it more easily.

For deeper help with your triggered feelings and personalized support, the Taming Your Triggers workshop builds on these concepts with coaching and community.

5. Should I read parenting books if my child is neurodivergent?

Many books on this list work well for neurodivergent children because they focus on understanding needs rather than controlling behavior. Validation by Caroline Fleck offers specific instructions that neurodivergent parents often find especially helpful in their relationships with both co-parents and children.

Beyond Behaviors addresses how to understand challenging behaviors through a compassionate lens. However, focus on the first half of Validation – the second half teaches manipulation tactics that conflict with respectful parenting.

6. What’s the connection between parenting books and creating a better world?

Every parenting book teaches a vision of what society should look like, even when it’s not explicit. Books that teach compliance prepare children to obey authority without question. Books focused on collaboration and meeting everyone’s needs prepare children to build a world where relationships matter more than obedience. Parenting Beyond Power makes this connection explicit, showing how the way we parent shapes the kind of world our children will create.

7. Can parenting books actually change how I parent day-to-day?

Reading gives you the foundation, but real change happens when you practice these ideas in tough moments. Some parents can read a book and make changes on their own. Others benefit from support through coaching, practice opportunities, and community with parents working on similar challenges. The Parenting Membership offers modules, monthly coaching, and community support.

8. What parenting books focus on nonviolent communication with kids?

Parenting From Your Heart by Inbal Kashtan applies Nonviolent Communication principles to relationships with children. It’s short and accessible, though some readers want more detailed implementation guidance. 

Parenting Beyond Power also incorporates needs-based approaches with practical strategies from real parents’ experiences. Both books help you understand your child’s feelings and needs while finding ways to meet everyone’s needs through collaboration.

Finding this useful? Share with a friend!

1. Parent self-care widens your window of tolerance so you can stay regulated and present with your kids instead of constantly triggered.
2. Unmet needs narrow your stress tolerance. When you’re hungry, exhausted, or disconnected, everything your child does can trigger intense reactions you regret.
3. Parental guilt keeps you stuck in shame cycles. You snap, feel terrible, try harder to be perfect, neglect your needs more – making everything worse.
4. Signs of parental exhaustion include persistent irritability, emotional numbness with your kids, and a growing gap between how you want to parent and how you can parent.
5. Small self-care changes matter most: batch cooking, saying no to obligations, asking for specific help, and finding brief moments of adult connection.
6. How to deal with parental guilt: Notice it without judgment, challenge the belief that meeting your needs hurts your child, and practice repair over perfection.
7. Repairing ruptures with your child strengthens your relationship more than avoiding mistakes. Your imperfection followed by genuine repair teaches resilience.

You snap at your child over something tiny:

• They won’t stop asking questions while you’re trying to think. 
• They’re taking forever to put on their shoes. 
• They’re resisting toothbrushing.  Again.

And you feel terrible for snapping at them.  Again.

Maybe you believe that good parents sacrifice everything for their children. 

That putting yourself first is selfish. 

That if you just tried harder…had more patience…were a better person…you wouldn’t lose it over something so small.

But what if none of those ideas are true?

Iris, a parent I worked with, told me about a day at the park with her three-year-old daughter, Malaya. She’d packed snacks for both of them, but she was still hungry – really hungry, the kind where your blood sugar is dropping and everything starts to feel hard. 

Iris asked her toddler for some of the snacks. Malaya said: “No.” Wouldn’t share. Then a crow swooped in, knocked over the container, and all the food spilled onto the ground.

Iris told me she felt a hot rage coming up from her gut. Malaya started crying because she could sense that energy. And Iris felt awful – she recognized something primal in being denied food, even though logically she knew Malaya wasn’t actually denying her anything on purpose.

But the real gut punch came later, when Malaya asked out of genuine curiosity: “Mama, why are you always angry?”

Not “why are you angry right now?” But always angry.

That’s when Iris knew she needed more help. Her daughter was looking at the parent who was supposed to take care of her, and seeing someone who erupted constantly.

Here’s what she learned through that process, and what research on parental burnout tells us: Meeting your own needs is actually how you become the parent you want to be.

The Problem: When Your Needs Go Unmet

The window of tolerance

There’s a concept in psychology called the window of tolerance. It’s basically the zone where you can handle stress and stay regulated. When you’re inside that window, your child whines and you can breathe, maybe even get curious about what’s really going on for them.

When you’re outside that window – when it’s gotten really narrow – that same whining seems unbearable. Everything your child does triggers you: the mess, the defiance, the constant requests for your attention.

Hunger narrows your window of tolerance. So does exhaustion. So does lack of connection. So does the overwhelm of everything you’re trying to juggle.

The physical reality of this is striking. Researcher Moïra Mikolajczak at UC Louvain studied hair cortisol levels in hundreds of parents experiencing burnout, compared to parents who weren’t burned out but had the same family situations. (Hair cortisol gives you a measure of stress hormones over the past three months)

Parents in burnout had cortisol levels that were twice as high as other parents. Their stress levels were even higher than people experiencing severe chronic pain. Higher than people experiencing marital abuse.

That’s the physical reality when your needs go unmet for too long. (If you need help identifying your needs, this list can help).

The isolation of modern parenting

One parent in a research study on parental burnout said: “I am the one who is responsible for what they will be later. What they will become depends on what I do now.”

Can you sense the weight in that statement? The pressure?

Modern parenting carries this impossible burden. You’re told you’re responsible for everything your child becomes. There’s pressure from other parents, from social media where everyone posts only their best parenting moments, from schools, from society at large.

And you’re trying to do all of this essentially alone. Maybe it’s you and a partner – or maybe just you. But that’s not how humans raised children for most of our history – in communities where many adults shared the care.

There’s a reason that African proverb says “it takes a village to raise a child”. Because it does. And most of us don’t have that village.

Research bears this out. In countries with strong community support systems, less than 1% of parents experience burnout. In Euro-centric countries where parents are more isolated? Up to 9%.

This creates a vicious circle: Your needs go unmet, which narrows your window of tolerance, which means you get triggered more easily, which leads to shame about not being a good enough parent, which makes you neglect your needs even more…because good parents shouldn’t need breaks, right?

Kelly, another parent I spoke with, described it as racing like a train that couldn’t be stopped. Her husband said it was like trying to stop a very heavy train – he couldn’t do it. She just kept going and going and going.

Until one day she had a breaking point. She was away for work in another city, sat down on a low wall, and had a total blackout. She didn’t know what to do or where to go. 

She called her husband, and he helped her find a train. He drove halfway to meet her. When she got in the car, she collapsed. She cried for hours. For days afterward, she was in bed, feeling like she had a terrible flu. Her body ached. She was so emotional.

The day before, she’d had plenty of energy. Then suddenly, she couldn’t do anything.

That’s what happens when you push through for too long. Your body’s stress response system – the hypothalamic pituitary adrenal axis – eventually collapses. You literally run out of the cortisol that gives you energy to face life.

Why Parental Guilt Makes Self-Care Harder

The shame story

When Iris first started the Taming Your Triggers workshop, she couldn’t fully engage with it. She’d lurk in the community but not really participate. She went through the workshop multiple times before she could truly take it in.

Why? Because there was a voice in her head saying: “I should be able to handle this.”

She’d grown up in a poor urban neighborhood in the Philippines. Her mother worked long hours. They didn’t have much materially, but they had a community – neighbors who shared rice when you ran out, who watched each other’s children, who showed up for births and deaths and everything in between.

Now here she was in Canada with almost everything she thought she wanted materially. A safe home. Food. Enough money. And she was struggling.

The voice said: “Your mother managed with so much less. What’s wrong with you?”

Comparing ourselves with other people – whether it’s our own parents, a friend, or a theoretical parent who doesn’t lose their mind when their kid says “No” – almost always creates shame.  

The shame cycle

Here’s how this plays out:

You believe good parents don’t need breaks, so you push through your exhaustion. You snap at your kid. 

Now you feel shame about snapping. You also feel shame about not being the patient, present parent you wanted to be. 

So what do you do? You double down. You try even harder to be that perfect parent, which means neglecting your needs even more.

The parental guilt and shame actually makes you a less present parent. Because when you’re running on empty, you’re not really there. You’re going through the motions, but you’re feeling irritable and disconnected.

Kelly noticed this pattern in herself. At work, she could hold it together. She’d put on her ‘mask’ and pretend to be a nice person, which took a lot of energy. Then at home, everything came out. Especially with her daughter, who seemed to know exactly which buttons to press.

That’s because when you’re depleted, everything becomes harder. Home is where we finally let down the mask we’ve been wearing all day to hold ourselves together.

Healing shame and guilt is about understanding where these emotions actually come from. Your shame is a response to impossible standards combined with inadequate support. Your guilt is keeping you stuck in patterns that aren’t working.

Breaking the guilt pattern

What helped Iris start to shift? A moment in one of our coaching calls where I guided her to just sit with something: “This is hard.”

Her life in the Philippines was hard. Her life in Canada is hard. They’re both hard. You can’t compare them. Your hard is your hard.

Something clicked for her at that moment. She’d been carrying this story that because she had material advantages now, she shouldn’t struggle. That her stress wasn’t “real” somehow.

But the research on cortisol levels tells us: your struggle is real. Even if you have advantages. Even if other people have it worse. Your nervous system is responding to the chronic stress of trying to meet impossible standards with inadequate support.

Both Iris and Kelly had to learn the same lesson: Meeting your needs is how you stay regulated enough to be the parent you want to be.

The shift is from “I should be able to handle this” to “What do I actually need right now?”

If you’re recognizing yourself in Iris and Kelly’s stories and want support to make this shift, the Taming Your Triggers workshop can help you understand why your child’s behavior creates such intense reactions – and heal the root causes so you’re triggered less often. Learn more about the workshop here.

What Happens When You’re Running on Empty

Signs of parental exhaustion

How do you know if you’ve crossed from regular tiredness into something deeper? These are the warning signs to watch for:

Persistent irritability and anger that lasts for weeks, especially at home. You might hold it together at work or in public, but the moment you walk through the door, everything your child does sets you off.

Emotional numbness or distance from your children. You go through the motions of parenting, but you can’t access the warmth or connection you used to feel.

You lose the pleasure in parenting. The things that used to bring you joy – watching them discover something new, snuggling together, their laughter – now just seem like one more thing you have to get through.

Physical exhaustion that sleep doesn’t fix. You wake up tired. You go to bed exhausted. Rest doesn’t restore you anymore.

A growing gap between who you are as a parent and who you wanted to be. You notice yourself doing or saying things you swore you’d never do.

If you’re experiencing these signs, learning how to recover from parental burnout starts with recognizing when your needs aren’t being met – and actually doing something about it before you completely collapse.

Impact on your children

When you’re just exhausted, it mostly affects you. Your kids might notice you’re tired, but they’re probably okay.

But when that exhaustion leads to emotional distancing, there’s a higher risk of neglect – you’re just too depleted to notice what they need. There’s a higher risk of harsh responses – snapping, yelling, maybe even physical reactions you never thought you’d have.

Researcher Gershen Kaufman talks about “the breaking of the interpersonal bridge” – that moment when the connection between you and your child ruptures. And when that happens repeatedly without repair, children don’t feel seen or safe.

Iris’ daughter Malaya experienced her mother as someone who erupted like a volcano on the regular. And children in that situation tend to internalize it as “something is wrong with me” rather than “my parent is struggling”.

That’s the heartbreaking part. Your child doesn’t understand that you’re depleted. They just know you’re angry or distant, and they assume it’s somehow their fault.

The turning point

One afternoon, Iris looked at the messy kitchen and recognized she was getting depleted. Instead of pushing through to clean it, she went down to the courtyard of her apartment building. She chatted with neighbors for about 15 minutes. Just adults talking about nothing important. It recharged her (Iris is an extrovert and loves to socialize – for you, doing something quiet might be more effective!).

When she came back upstairs, Malaya came home from school and asked to watch TV. Iris said yes. But when it was time to turn off the TV, Malaya had a big meltdown. She screamed: “You’re mean! You’re a bad mama! You’re the worst ever!”

The old Iris would have erupted right back at her.

But because she’d taken those 15 minutes to recharge, Iris had space inside herself. She could pause. She could just let Malaya have her emotions without getting flooded by them herself. She didn’t try to fix it or make it stop. She just held space.

After a while, Malaya calmed down. She went to play with her toys. Later, while Iris was making dinner, Malaya called out: “Mama! I love you. You’re the best mom ever.”  She had been overwhelmed and dysregulated and said something she didn’t mean – just like we do when we’re having a hard time.  Iris’ calm presence helped her to re-regulate.

That’s what parent self-care actually does. It shows up in the moments that matter most.

Your child doesn’t experience your self-care as you being selfish. They experience you as actually being present with them.

Self-Care Tips for Overwhelmed Parents

Click here to download the Self-Care Tips for Overwhelmed Parents

Self-care tips for overwhelmed parents #1: Identifying what you actually need

Let’s start with something simple. The HALT framework helps you identify the basic states that make everything harder. HALT stands for Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired – and when you’re in any of these states, your window of tolerance gets narrower.

These are the basic states that make everything harder. When you’re in any of these states, your window of tolerance gets narrower. When you’re in multiple states at once, that window can get very narrow indeed.

So before you can think about some elaborate self-care routine, start here:

Physical needs: Do you have food that’s actually easy to eat? I mean food you can grab, not ingredients you’ll have to prepare when you’re already depleted. Are you getting actual rest, or just scrolling through your phone in the few minutes you have alone? Are you moving your body in ways that feel good to you, or have you been stuck sitting or standing in one position all day?

Emotional needs: When was the last time another adult really saw you? Someone who actually asked how you’re doing and listened to the answer, not just “how are you doing” in passing?

Connection needs: Brief conversations with people who get it can matter more than you think. This doesn’t have to be deep processing of your struggles. Sometimes it’s just being around other people who treat you like a person instead of just someone’s parent.

Autonomy: Do you get to make any choices about your own time? Even small ones help – choosing what to eat, when to go to bed, whether to read or watch something.

Use this list if you need help identifying your needs.

Self-care tips for overwhelmed parents #2: What small changes actually look like

When parents finally start making progress with their triggers, they usually don’t do anything dramatic. The changes are small and concrete:

Reduce the number of decisions you make when you’re already depleted. Cook batches of food on the weekend so you don’t have to think about what’s for dinner when you’re exhausted. Lay out clothes the night before. Create simple routines that require less mental energy.

Schedule support before you’re in crisis. If therapy helps, book sessions in advance. If you have family or friends who can give you breaks, set up a regular time instead of waiting until you’re desperate. If you want personalized guidance on your parenting struggles, you could book some parent coaching sessions.

Protect your energy by saying no. This is hard because there’s always something you “should” be doing. Another volunteer opportunity, another activity for your child, another social obligation. But each yes to something else is a no to your own capacity to stay regulated.

Ask for specific help. Try: “I’m going for a walk on Thursday, want to come?” Or “Could you watch the kids Saturday morning so I can rest?” Make it easy for people to actually help.

Find small moments of connection. Brief conversations with neighbors, a text exchange with a friend who gets it, five minutes of chat with another parent at pickup. These aren’t solving any big problems. They’re just… connection. Being seen as a person, not just as someone’s parent.

None of these changes are huge. But together, they can widen your window of tolerance. The process of learning to recognize when you’re getting depleted and actually doing something about it takes practice. You might try things that don’t work. You might forget and push through anyway. That’s part of it. Eventually, you get better at catching yourself earlier, at staying regulated more of the time.

Self-care tips for overwhelmed parents #3: When you’re already depleted

Maybe you’re reading this and thinking, “That sounds nice, but I’m already past that point. I’m already depleted. What do I do right now?”

How to deal with parental exhaustion

When you’re already running on empty, the advice to “practice self-care” can sound impossible. You don’t have time for a bath or a yoga class. You can barely keep everyone fed and clothed.

But dealing with parental exhaustion doesn’t require big blocks of time or elaborate plans. It requires recognizing that you’re depleted and making small, concrete choices that create tiny pockets of relief throughout your day.

Immediate strategies that actually work:

Use screens strategically. Yes, I’m giving you permission. Put on a show your child will actually watch, and rest. Don’t scroll through social media comparing yourself to everyone else. Actually close your eyes and rest, or do something that replenishes you.

Go outside if you possibly can. Even if all you do is sit while your child plays. Fresh air and a change of environment can help reset your nervous system a little bit.  Or you might walk a few laps around the playground while they play to move your muscles a bit.

Ask yourself: What’s ONE thing I can remove from today? Can you eat a frozen pizza instead of cooking? Skip one activity? Let some things stay messy?

How to talk with your child about this:

Be honest in age-appropriate ways. “I’m feeling very tired. Even sleeping doesn’t help right now.”

Use metaphors that kids understand. “You know how when you’re tired, you go to sleep and wake up with energy? For me right now, my tank is so empty that sleep isn’t enough. It’s like a car with no gas. There’s no gas station available. It takes time to refill.”

Be clear about what’s yours: “When I’m this tired, I get impatient. That’s about me, not about you. You didn’t do anything wrong.”

Don’t use terms like “parental burnout”. That sounds to a child as though it’s their fault for being too much.

After you recharge, even a little bit, repair: “I was grumpy earlier. That wasn’t about you. I was very tired and I didn’t handle it well. I’m sorry.”

Self-care tips for overwhelmed parents #4: Building ongoing support

If you have a partner:

They can compensate when you’re depleted. You’re recognizing when one person’s tank is lower and shifting the load temporarily.

Talk together about the balance of stressors and resources. What’s draining each of you? What helps? Make it concrete. Write it down if that helps.

Problem-solve as a team: What can each of you remove? What resources can you add?

Finding your village (even when it feels impossible):

Neighbors matter more than you think. Even brief chats can help. Iris’s 15 minutes in the courtyard made the difference between erupting at her daughter and being able to hold space for her emotions.

Friends who won’t judge are worth their weight in gold. Kelly had a breakthrough when she stopped caring what others thought about her parenting. She stopped performing for an imaginary audience.

Online communities can help if they actually support rather than create more comparison. If a group makes you feel worse about yourself, leave it. Kelly dropped Facebook entirely, and it helped.

If you want to get the guidance you need to to create the relationship you want in your family and be a part of a community of parents who share the same values you have, sign up for the Parenting Membership.

Getting professional support:

Therapy if you can access it. Both Iris and Kelly worked with therapists. Kelly worked with her therapist on letting go of caring so much about how her parenting appeared to others – that internal pressure was as much a drain as the external demands.

Support groups for parents exist in many areas. Sometimes through hospitals, sometimes through community centers, sometimes online.

There’s a free online tool called the Parental Burnout Assessment developed by researchers at UC Louvain. It can help you see where you are and which factors are weighing on you most heavily.

Some places have hotlines for parents in distress. In Belgium, researchers created one specifically because the need was so great. Check what’s available in your area.

Self-care tips for overwhelmed parents #5: What this actually looks like

Researcher Moïra Mikolajczak puts it this way: It’s better to be truly present for shorter periods than depleted all day.

That might sound like this: “I’ll play with you for 10 minutes and we can build blocks together. Then I need some quiet time. After that, we’ll have a snack together.”

The key is follow-through. When you say you need quiet time, actually take it. And when you say you’ll reconnect, actually do it.

This is where Special Time comes in. Special Time is about 10 minutes of consistent, daily play where your child chooses the activity and you offer your full attention. Consistency matters more than duration. Ten minutes every day is far more powerful than an hour that happens unpredictably.

This routine communicates something essential to your child: “You’re special. I love you. I want to spend time with you.” It also teaches trust because your child learns that your words mean something.

They also learn something else: Adults have needs too. Meeting those needs is healthy and normal and not something to apologize for.

You’re modeling self-care. You’re showing them how to recognize when their own tank is getting low and honor that. That’s a gift that will serve them for their whole life.

How to Deal with Parental Guilt

Reframing your thinking

The shift is a practice. From “I should be able to handle this” to “What do I actually need right now?”

Something that might help: Research on attachment and child development tells us that repairing ruptures matters more than avoiding them in the first place. You don’t have to get it right every time – or even most of the time. What matters is coming back.

When guilt shows up

Because it will. Even after you’ve intellectually understood that meeting your needs helps your children, the guilt will still show up sometimes.

When it does, try this:

Notice it without judgment: “I’m having thoughts that I’m selfish for needing a break.”

Challenge it gently: “Is meeting my needs actually hurting my child? Or is it helping them have a parent who’s more present?”

Look at the evidence: Iris recharged for 15 minutes, then held space for Malaya’s meltdown instead of erupting. Malaya went from “You’re the worst mama” to “You’re the best mom ever” in the span of an hour because Iris was actually there with her.

Letting go of comparison

Kelly’s turning point came when she stopped caring so much about what others thought of her parenting. This wasn’t easy – she described it as one of the things she had to work on with her therapist. But dropping Facebook helped enormously. No more seeing everyone else’s perfectly curated parenting moments.

Iris learned something similar. She’d been stuck in what she called “the terrible endless math of comparison”. Her mother had worked long hours with fewer resources. Other parents seemed to manage better. Her daughter should be easier than she was.

What helped was recognizing: “My struggles are my struggles”. Not better or worse than anyone else’s. Just hers. And they were real, even though she had material advantages her mother didn’t have.

Comparison doesn’t help. Your hard is your hard.

The repair practice

You’re going to snap sometimes. You’re human. Your window of tolerance will get narrow, and you’ll react in ways you wish you hadn’t.

What matters more than getting it right every time is coming back.

“I was grumpy earlier. That was about me being really tired, not about anything you did.”

“I yelled, and that scared you. That wasn’t okay. I’m sorry.”

“I wasn’t able to hear you properly this morning. Can we try again now?”

This repair practice teaches your child something important: People make mistakes. And when you make a mistake, you can acknowledge it and reconnect. You don’t have to be perfect to be loved.

AJ Bond, who studies shame, talks about how rupture and repair actually strengthens relationships. The repair creates a deeper level of understanding and connection than if the rupture had never happened.

So your imperfection, followed by genuine repair, might actually teach your child more than if you somehow managed to be calm and patient 100% of the time.

Final Thoughts

The cycle we’ve been talking about goes like this: Unmet needs lead to a narrow window of tolerance, which leads to more triggers, which leads to shame, which leads to neglecting your needs even more, which narrows your window further.

But there’s another way this can go: Meeting your needs, even in small ways, widens your window of tolerance. That wider window means you can stay regulated more of the time. When you’re regulated, you can be present with your child. When you’re present, you create connection. And connection is what both of you actually need.

Self-care doesn’t always mean elaborate spa days or expensive self-care. For Iris, it was 15 minutes chatting with neighbors. For Kelly, it was dropping Facebook and letting go of invisible standards. For both of them, it was learning to notice when their tank was getting low and doing something about it before they completely collapsed.

Your children don’t need a perfect parent. They need a present one.

So here’s my question for you: What’s one need you can meet today?

Maybe it’s eating something nourishing. Maybe it’s asking someone specific for help instead of waiting for someone to offer. Maybe it’s saying no to one thing on your list. Maybe it’s just noticing when your tank is getting low and honoring that information instead of pushing through.

Small changes in how you care for yourself create space for the parent you want to be because you’re actually there.

Going Deeper: Taming Your Triggers Workshop

If you need help with your own big feelings about your child’s behavior, register for the Taming Your Triggers workshop.

We’ll help you to:

• Understand the real causes of your triggered feelings, and begin to heal the hurts that cause them
• Use new tools like the ones Katie describes to find ways to meet both her and her children’s needs
• Effectively repair with your children on the fewer instances when you are still triggered

Click the banner to learn more.

Frequently Asked Questions About Parent Self-Care

1. What is self-care in parenting?

Parent self-care means meeting your basic needs like eating when hungry, resting when exhausted, and connecting with other adults, so you can stay regulated with your children. When your needs are met, you’re actually present with your kids instead of just going through the motions while irritable and disconnected.

2. Why is it important to take care of yourself as a parent?

When your needs go unmet, your window of tolerance narrows. Everything your child does triggers you – the whining, the mess, the defiance. Research shows parents in burnout have cortisol levels twice as high as other parents, even higher than people experiencing chronic pain. Meeting your needs widens your window of tolerance so you can respond from a place aligned with your values instead of erupting in ways you regret. 

3. How can parents take care of themselves?

Start with the HALT framework: Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired. Keep easy-to-eat food available, get actual rest instead of scrolling, and find brief moments of adult connection. Make small changes like cooking in batches, scheduling therapy ahead of crisis, saying no to extra obligations, and asking for specific help. Create 15-minute blocks where your child plays independently while you recharge. These small actions widen your window of tolerance so you stay regulated more often.

4. How to parent when you are exhausted?

Use screens strategically so you can actually rest, not scroll social media. Go outside even if you just sit while your child plays. Ask yourself what ONE thing you can remove today- eat a frozen meal, skip an activity, let things stay messy. Talk honestly with your child using age-appropriate language: “Mommy is very tired. Even sleeping doesn’t help right now. When I’m this tired, I get impatient—that’s about me, not you.”

5. How to let go of parental guilt?

Notice guilt without judgment: “I’m having thoughts that I’m selfish for needing a break.” Then challenge it gently: “Is meeting my needs actually hurting my child?” Look at the evidence- when you recharge, you can hold space for your child’s emotions instead of erupting. Research shows repairing ruptures matters more than avoiding them. You don’t have to get it right most of the time. What matters is coming back: “I was grumpy earlier. That was about me being tired, not about you.”

6. How to deal with parental exhaustion?

Dealing with parental exhaustion doesn’t require big blocks of time. It requires recognizing you’re depleted and making small choices that create tiny pockets of relief. Reduce decision burden by laying out clothes the night before. Schedule support before crisis hits. Protect your energy by saying no to obligations. Find small moments of connection – brief chats with neighbors, texts with friends who get it. These changes widen your window of tolerance so you catch yourself getting depleted earlier, before you collapse completely.

7. How common is parental burnout?

Research shows that in countries with strong community support, less than 1% of parents experience burnout. But in Euro-centric countries where parents are more isolated, up to 9% of parents are burned out. The difference is systemic. We’re trying to raise children essentially alone when humans evolved to raise kids in communities where many adults shared the care. Modern parents face impossible standards with inadequate support, leading to the chronic stress that creates burnout.

8. How to feel less overwhelmed as a parent?

Start by identifying what narrows your window of tolerance: hunger, exhaustion, lack of connection, overwhelm. Make small concrete changes rather than waiting for big solutions. Cook in batches so you don’t decide what’s for dinner when depleted. Ask for specific help: “Can you watch the kids Saturday morning?” not “Let me know if you need anything.” Drop social media if it creates comparison. Find brief moments of adult connection. Eventually you’ll get better at catching yourself getting depleted earlier and doing something about it before hitting the wall.

References

Brianda, M. E., Roskam, I., & Mikolajczak, M. (2020). Hair cortisol concentration as a biomarker of parental burnout. Psychoneuroendocrinology, 117, 104681. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.psyneuen.2020.104681

Coan, J. A., & Sbarra, D. A. (2015). Social Baseline Theory: The Social Regulation of Risk and Effort. Current opinion in psychology, 1, 87–91. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.copsyc.2014.12.021

Deci, E. L., & Ryan, R. M. (2000). The “what” and “why” of goal pursuits: Human needs and the self-determination of behavior. Psychological Inquiry, 11(4), 227–268. https://doi.org/10.1207/S15327965PLI1104_01

Dunn, J., Brown, J., & Beardsall, L. (1991). Family talk about feeling states and children’s later understanding of others’ emotions. Developmental Psychology, 27(3), 448–455. https://doi.org/10.1037/0012-1649.27.3.448

Fries, E., Hesse, J., Hellhammer, J., & Hellhammer, D. H. (2005). A new view on hypocortisolism. Psychoneuroendocrinology, 30(10), 1010–1016. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.psyneuen.2005.04.006

Gross, J. J., & John, O. P. (2003). Individual differences in two emotion regulation processes: Implications for affect, relationships, and well-being. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 85(2), 348–362. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.85.2.348

Kaufman, G. (1989). The psychology of shame: Theory and treatment of shame-based syndromes. Springer Publishing Co.

Laurenceau, J. P., Barrett, L. F., & Pietromonaco, P. R. (1998). Intimacy as an interpersonal process: the importance of self-disclosure, partner disclosure, and perceived partner responsiveness in interpersonal exchanges. Journal of personality and social psychology, 74(5), 1238–1251. https://doi.org/10.1037//0022-3514.74.5.1238

Lunkenheimer, E., Sturge-Apple, M. L., & Kelm, M. R. (2023). The importance of parent self-regulation and parent-child coregulation in research on parental discipline. Child development perspectives, 17(1), 25–31. https://doi.org/10.1111/cdep.12470

Lumanlan, J. (2025, October 19). 257: I Don’t Enjoy Playing With My Kid: Why It Happens & What To Do. Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/captivate-podcast/parenting-guilt-playing-with-kids 

Lumanlan, J. (2023, January 29). 176: How to begin healing shame with A.J. Bond. Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/captivate-podcast/discomfortable/ 

Lumanlan, J. (2022, February 20). SYPM 019: Why are you always so angry?. Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/captivate-podcast/iris/

Lumanlan, J. (2020, April 26). 111: Parental Burn Out. Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/captivate-podcast/burnout/

Lumanlan, J. (n.d). Taming Your Triggers workshop. Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/tamingyourtriggers 

Mikolajczak, M., Gross, J. J., & Roskam, I. (2019). Parental burnout: What is it, and why does it matter? Clinical Psychological Science, 7(6), 1319–1329. https://doi.org/10.1177/2167702619858430

Mikolajczak, M., & Roskam, I. (2018). A Theoretical and Clinical Framework for Parental Burnout: The Balance Between Risks and Resources (BR2). Frontiers in psychology, 9, 886. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2018.00886

Office of the Surgeon General. (2024). Parents under pressure: The U.S. Surgeon General’s advisory on the mental health & well-being of parents. U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK606662/

Robichaud, J. M., Mageau, G. A., Kil, H., McLaughlin, C., Comeau, N., & Schumann, K. (2025). Parental apologies as a potential determinant of adolescents’ basic psychological needs satisfaction and frustration. Journal of experimental child psychology, 254, 106204. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jecp.2025.106204 

Roskam, I., Aguiar, J., Akgun, E., Arikan, G., Artavia, M., Avalosse, H., Aunola, K., Bader, M., Bahati, C., Barham, E. J., Besson, E., Beyers, W., Boujut, E., Brianda, M. E., Brytek-Matera, A., Carbonneau, N., César, F., Chen, B. B., Dorard, G., Dos Santos Elias, L. C., … Mikolajczak, M. (2021). Parental Burnout Around the Globe: a 42-Country Study. Affective science, 2(1), 58–79. https://doi.org/10.1007/s42761-020-00028-4

Vogel, Erin & Rose, Jason & Roberts, Lindsay & Eckles, Katheryn. (2014). Social Comparison, Social Media, and Self-Esteem. Psychology of Popular Media Culture. 3. 206-222. 10.1037/ppm0000047. 

Williamson, T., Wagstaff, D. L., Goodwin, J., & Smith, N. (2023). Mothering Ideology: A Qualitative Exploration of Mothers’ Perceptions of Navigating Motherhood Pressures and Partner Relationships. Sex roles, 88(1-2), 101–117. https://doi.org/10.1007/s11199-022-01345-7

Finding this useful? Share with a friend!

• Most parenting resolutions don’t stick because they rely on willpower instead of addressing underlying needs. When you’re triggered, your nervous system takes over and willpower can’t stop that.
• Intentional parenting means choosing how you respond instead of reacting on autopilot. You figure out what needs drive your and your kids’ behavior, then set up your day so everyone’s needs get met.
• Realistic resolutions start with tracking what sets you off and which needs aren’t getting met – not promising you’ll yell less.
• Positive parenting strategies: identify the need before you react, solve problems together with your child, and change your environment so you’re not relying on willpower when you’re stressed.
• Goals of parenting: understand and meet multiple people’s needs.  When we teach obedience, kids don’t learn how to truly collaborate.
• Repair time matters more than perfection. When you mess up, say what happened, own your part, and reconnect with your child.
• Getting support helps. You need other parents who get it, research-based guidance, and ways to understand what’s happening when things go sideways.

Most parenting resolutions fail by February.

You know the ones: “I’ll stop yelling at my kids.” “We’ll have peaceful mornings.” “I’ll be more patient.”

We set these goals with the best intentions. But by the end of January, we’re back to the same struggles – and maybe feeling even worse about ourselves because we “failed” again.

Most parenting resolutions rely on willpower. And willpower runs out fast when you’re exhausted, triggered, and your child refuses to put on shoes for the tenth time.

Instead of making resolutions based on behavior change, let’s focus on intentional parenting – understanding what needs aren’t getting met (ours AND our children’s) and building systems that support everyone, including you.

Why Your Parenting Resolutions Keep Failing

Think about the last parenting resolution you made. Maybe it was “I’ll stop yelling” or “I’ll be more patient with my kids.”

These resolutions focus on stopping a behavior without understanding what drives it. When your body is flooded with stress hormones and your child is having a meltdown in the grocery store, no amount of willpower will help you stay calm.

When we experience something that reminds us – even unconsciously – of difficult experiences from our own childhood, our bodies respond. Our heart rate increases. Our blood pressure jumps. The part of our brain responsible for speech can actually shut down.

The traumatic events we experienced in our lives show up in our bodies. And when we’re triggered, we yell, run away, leave emotionally, do anything to get them to stop the tantrum, or freeze (depending on what was the most effective strategy for us as we interacted with our caregivers when we were little).

Your upbringing shapes how you parent today. The ways your parents used power over you becomes the template for how you use power over your own children.  

If you would have been punished for having a meltdown, when your kids have a meltdown you probably feel an intense tension.  The part of you that wants your kids to be able to feel their feelings gets overwhelmed by the part of you that remembers being punished for feeling your feelings.  

Because the punished part has been with you for much longer, in stressful moments it usually wins – and you yell.

Willpower-based resolutions ignore all of this. They assume that if you tried harder, you’d be able to make the change you want to see. But trying harder doesn’t address your underlying needs that aren’t getting met, or the triggers from your past that set you off.

That’s why these resolutions fail.  But that doesn’t mean you can’t change how you interact with your kids.

What Is Intentional Parenting?

Intentional parenting means making conscious choices about how you interact with your child, based on your values.

It’s the opposite of reactive parenting – where you’re constantly putting out fires, saying “no” without thinking about why; just surviving each day.

When you parent with intention, you:

• Understand what needs drive both your behavior and your child’s behavior
• Make choices aligned with your values instead of just following what your parents did or what society says you “should” do
• Build systems that support everyone instead of relying on willpower in the moment
• See your child’s resistance as information rather than defiance

Parenting with purpose takes this a step further. It means knowing WHY you’re making the choices you make. What do you want for your children as they grow up? What qualities do you want to nurture? How do you want them to remember their childhood?

Your answers to these questions shape hundreds of small decisions you make every day.

Do you force your child to hug Grandma, or do you respect their bodily autonomy? 

Do you make them finish everything on their plate, or do you trust them to know when they’re full? 

Do you get frustrated when they don’t ‘listen,’ or do you find ways to meet both of your needs?

Each of these interactions teaches your child something – not just about the specific situation, but about:

• How people with power should treat people with less power. 
• Whether they can trust their own judgment.
• Whether their feelings and needs matter. 

Intentional parenting recognizes that children don’t just learn WHAT we teach them. They learn HOW we teach them. 

If we use shame and control to get compliance, that’s what they learn to do with their own power someday – in their relationships with their own kids, and with others in their lives as well.

What Are the Goals of Parenting? A Needs-Based Perspective

Ask most parents what their goals are, and you’ll hear things like: “I want my child to be successful.” “I want them to be happy.” 

And, in the short term: “I want them to listen” (by which we often mean “do what I tell them to do”).

Our parents basically had these goals too.  They wanted the best for us.  And they were surviving every day the best they could with the trauma they were carrying and the tools they had available to them.

Parenting with these goals created a lot of pain for us, because our parents tried to shape our behavior.

They might have rewarded us for fitting in with gender norms; for doing well in school; for ‘listening,’ and punished us when we didn’t do those things.

Or maybe they didn’t even have to reward us – because we understood it was safest if we didn’t even have needs, and took care of everyone else instead.

Many of the parents work with have spent so many decades suppressing their needs that they don’t even know how to identify them.

Needs drive all of our behavior – ours; our kids’; everyone.  

When we understand and meet our own needs, we feel content; at peace.

When we understand and meet our kids’ needs, they feel content and at peace, and our relationship is strong.  They know our love for them isn’t dependent on them producing certain behaviors.  They’re more willing to collaborate with us to help us meet our needs as well.

This is the foundation for everything you want for your child.  Your child can’t be happy if they don’t understand their own needs.  They can’t be in nourishing, fulfilling relationships with others if they don’t know how to meet multiple people’s needs.  

When you understand these deeper goals, suddenly those daily battles look different. Instead of asking “How do I make my child brush their teeth?”, you start asking “How do I support my child in developing healthy habits while respecting their autonomy and maintaining our connection?”.

How to Pick a Realistic Resolution: Parenting Goals Examples That Work

Click here to download the How to Pick Realistic Resolution: Parenting Goals Examples That Work

So if “I’ll stop yelling” doesn’t work, what does?

The key is moving from willpower to understanding patterns. Instead of resolving to be different, start by noticing when struggles happen and what needs aren’t getting met.

Here’s how this looks in practice:

Parent Goals Example 1: The Morning Battles

Typical Resolution: “We’ll have peaceful mornings”

Why it fails: Too vague, no plan for what creates the chaos

The Intentional Approach:

• Map the morning pattern: What derails you? (finding clothes, making breakfast, finding shoes)
• Your needs: perhaps ease, consistency, order
• Your child’s needs: maybe autonomy, competence, play
• Experiment: Talk with your child about what makes mornings hard for them. Maybe there are too many choices, or they feel rushed, or they’re feeling anxious about school.  When you address the challenges underlying their behavior, they stop resisting.

How to know it’s working: You’re leaving on time more days than not, with less conflict

Parent Goals Example 2: The Bedtime Standoff

Typical Resolution: “My child will go to bed without a fight”

Why it fails: Focuses on your child’s behavior, not the system

The Intentional Approach:

• Notice the pattern: Does your child stall? Ask for things? Get a second wind?
• Your needs: rest, ease, calm
• Your child’s needs: connection, autonomy, comfort
• Experiment: Start bedtime routine 20 minutes earlier, ask them what routine they prefer (“pajamas or teeth first?”), add 10 minutes of Special Time right before bed

How to know it’s working: Bedtime takes less time overall and involves less arguing

Parent Goals Example 3: The Sibling Fighting

Typical Resolution: “My kids will stop fighting with each other”

Why it fails: Siblings will always have conflicts – it’s how they learn

The Intentional Approach:

• Notice when fights happen most (tired? hungry? competing for your attention?)
• Your needs: peace, harmony, competence
• Each child’s needs: belonging, respect, autonomy, connection with you
• Experiment: Schedule one-on-one time with each child, teach them problem-solving tools when they’re calm, step back from minor conflicts

How to know it’s working: They’re solving some conflicts themselves, fights are shorter, and you’re less reactive

Parent Goals Example 4: The Screen Time Struggle

Typical Resolution: “We’ll limit screen time to one hour a day”

Why it fails: Creates power struggles without addressing why screens are appealing

The Intentional Approach:

• Notice the pattern: When do screens become a battle? (transitions? boredom? your need for a break?)
• Your needs: ease, support, safety of children
• Your child’s needs: autonomy, fun, connection
• Experiment: Problem-solve WITH your child about screen time – what do they get from screens that they’re not getting elsewhere? Collaborate on screen time agreements, and acknowledge that sometimes you allow screens so you can rest

How to know it’s working: Less arguing about screens, your child transitions off devices more smoothly

Notice how each example starts with observation instead of judgment because you’re trying to understand what’s happening before experimenting with small changes.

Some experiments will work, others won’t. That’s the point. You’re building collaborative parenting skills and connection-based parenting practices that grow with your family.

Parent Goals Example 5: The Yelling Struggle

Note: This example is last in the list because you will already feel less stressed if you use the other ideas first.  This one is for the times when something comes up that you didn’t anticipate, and you feel dysregulated.

Typical Resolution: “I’ll stop yelling at my kids”

Why it fails: Focuses on willpower when you’re already stressed

The Intentional Approach:

• Notice when yelling happens most (mornings? after work? bedtime?)
• Identify your unmet needs (maybe: ease, order, rest)
• Identify your child’s unmet needs (maybe: autonomy, play, connection)
• Experiment: What if you kept a soft piece of fabric in your pocket to touch when you feel yourself getting frustrated? What if you took three deep breaths before responding? What if you said out loud “I’m feeling really frustrated right now” instead of yelling?

How to know it’s working: You might still raise your voice occasionally, but you’re yelling less often and recovering faster

What Are Positive Parenting Strategies That Support Your Goals?

Once you understand your goals and the needs driving everyone’s behavior, you need strategies to bridge the gap between where you are and where you want to be.

Here are five key strategies:

Positive parenting strategies that support your goals #1: Identify needs before reacting

The next time your child does something that makes you want to yell, pause for just three seconds. Ask yourself: “What need is my child trying to meet right now?”

Maybe they’re dumping water on the floor because they need to experiment and learn. Maybe they’re hitting their sibling because they need your attention and don’t know how else to get it. Maybe they’re refusing to get dressed because they need autonomy.

Your reaction will be completely different when you see the need instead of just the behavior.

Positive parenting strategies that support your goals #2: Problem-solve WITH your child

Instead of declaring what will happen, invite your child into the conversation: “We’re having trouble getting out the door on time in the mornings. I’ve noticed you often can’t find your shoes. What ideas do you have?”

Even young children can contribute solutions. And when they help create the plan, they’re much more likely to follow it. Research shows that supporting children’s autonomy – rather than controlling them – leads to better adjustment and internalization of values.

Positive parenting strategies that support your goals #3: Create systems (not willpower)

Willpower fails, but systems succeed.

Instead of resolving to be more patient, create a system: “When I feel myself getting frustrated, I’ll touch the soft piece of fabric I keep in my pocket to bring myself back to the present moment.”

Instead of resolving to have better mornings, create a system: “We’ll lay out clothes and pack bags the night before.”

Systems remove the need for decision-making in the moment when you’re already stressed.

Positive parenting strategies that support your goals #4: Build in repair time

You will mess up. You’ll yell when you don’t want to. You’ll be harsh when you mean to be gentle. You’ll prioritize getting out the door over connection.

What matters is what you do next.

Repair doesn’t mean apologizing and moving on. It means acknowledging what happened, taking responsibility, and reconnecting: “I yelled at you this morning when you couldn’t find your shoes. That wasn’t okay. I was worried about being late, but that’s not your problem to manage. I’m sorry. Can we talk about how to make mornings easier for both of us?”

This teaches your child that relationships can survive conflict. That mistakes don’t define you. That repair is always possible.

Positive parenting strategies that support your goals #5: Get support

Parents in the Parenting Membership often talk about how much changed when they stopped trying to do this work alone.

One parent, Jenny, spent four years exhausted because she was prioritizing everyone else’s sleep above her own – her son’s sleep, her husband’s sleep because he was “the breadwinner.” When she joined the membership, she realized the best sleep solution is the one that gets YOU the most sleep. She started going to bed at 8pm with her son. She felt a bit sheepish at first, but getting decent sleep for the first time in years changed everything.

Parenting is hard. Changing patterns that have been passed down through generations is even harder. Staying calm when you’re triggered takes practice and support.

You need people who share your values. People who will remind you why this matters when you’re exhausted. People who will help you break down big overwhelming goals into steps you can actually take this week.

Getting Support for Your Intentional Parenting Goals

These strategies work better when you have support. Doing this alone is hard.

Here’s what changes when you have the right support:

You stop spending hours googling solutions at midnight and instead get clear guidance based on research and real parent experiences. You stop second-guessing every decision because you have a framework for understanding what’s happening. You stop feeling disconnected because you’re in community with parents who share your values.

The Parenting Membership gives you:

• Tools for identifying needs – so you can understand what’s really happening in difficult moments
• Coaching on your real situations – not generic advice, but specific help with your actual family
• A community of parents doing this work – who will celebrate your wins and support you through the hard parts
• Resources for specific struggles – whether it’s bedtime, sibling fights, parenting disagreements or something else entirely

Click the banner to learn more about the Parenting Membership.

Final Thoughts

Most parents don’t set out to yell at their kids or have daily battles over shoes. But without intentional planning, we fall back on the patterns we learned from our own parents – even when those patterns don’t match our values.

The New Year is a chance to try something different. Not another willpower-based resolution that will fail by February. But a shift toward understanding needs, building systems, and getting support.

Small experiments over big promises. Progress over perfection. Connection over control.

Links to products on Amazon are affiliate links, which means I receive a small commission that does not affect the price you pay.

Frequently Asked Questions About Parenting Goals & Resolutions

1. What is intentional parenting?

Intentional parenting means making conscious choices about how you interact with your child based on your values rather than just reacting in the moment. When you parent with intention, you understand what needs drive both your behavior and your child’s behavior. You make choices aligned with your values instead of following what your parents did or what society says you should do. You build systems that support everyone instead of relying on willpower when you’re already stressed.

2. What are the goals of parenting?

The goals of parenting should focus on helping children develop three key capacities: autonomy (the ability to make good decisions for themselves), connection (strong relationships where they are accepted and supported), and competence (confidence in their ability to handle challenges). When you focus only on parent-centered goals like obedience, children comply when you’re watching but don’t develop internal motivation to do the right thing when no one’s around.

3. What does parenting with purpose mean?

Parenting with purpose means knowing WHY you’re making the choices you make. What do you want for your children as they grow up? What qualities do you want to nurture? How do you want them to remember their childhood? Your answers shape hundreds of small daily decisions. Each choice teaches your child something about how people with power should treat people without power, whether their feelings matter, and whether they can trust their own judgment.

4. How to pick a realistic resolution?

Pick a realistic resolution by moving from willpower to understanding patterns. Instead of resolving to be different, start by noticing when struggles happen and what needs aren’t getting met. Map the pattern (when does the struggle happen?), identify your unmet needs and your child’s unmet needs, then experiment with small changes. You’ll know it’s working when you see progress, even if things aren’t perfect.

5. What are positive parenting strategies?

Positive parenting strategies include identifying needs before reacting (asking “What need is my child trying to meet right now?”), problem-solving with your child instead of declaring what will happen, and creating systems instead of relying on willpower. Other collaborative parenting strategies include building in repair time when you mess up and getting support from people who share your values. These approaches support respectful parenting by addressing everyone’s needs.

6. What are smart goals for parenting?

Smart parenting goals focus on understanding patterns rather than forcing behavior change. Instead of “I’ll stop yelling,” try “I’ll notice when yelling happens most and identify what needs aren’t getting met.” Instead of “peaceful mornings,” try “We’ll experiment with laying out clothes the night before and starting our routine 20 minutes earlier.” Good parenting goals examples focus on systems and understanding instead on willpower.

7. Why do parenting resolutions fail?

Parenting resolutions fail because they rely on willpower. When your body is flooded with stress hormones and your child is having a meltdown, no amount of willpower helps you stay calm. The traumatic events you experienced in your life show up in your body. When you’re triggered, you go into fight or flight mode. Willpower-based resolutions ignore this and assume you just need to try harder, without addressing underlying needs.

8. What are needs-based parenting goals examples?

For morning battles, identify your needs (ease, consistency, order) and your child’s needs (autonomy, competence, play), then problem-solve together about what makes mornings hard. For yelling struggles, notice when it happens most and experiment with keeping soft fabric in your pocket to touch when frustrated. For bedtime standoffs, add 10 minutes of connection time and let your child choose the routine order. These parenting goals examples address real needs instead of forcing compliance.

References

Conger, R. D., Belsky, J., & Capaldi, D. M. (2009). The intergenerational transmission of parenting: Closing comments for the special section. Developmental Psychology, 45(5), 1276–1283. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0016911

Duncan, L. G., Coatsworth, J. D., & Greenberg, M. T. (2009). A model of mindful parenting: implications for parent-child relationships and prevention research. Clinical child and family psychology review, 12(3), 255–270. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10567-009-0046-3 

Horvath, C. A., & Lee, C. M. (2015). Parenting Responses and Parenting Goals of Mothers and Fathers of Adolescents. Marriage & Family Review, 51(4), 337–355. https://doi.org/10.1080/01494929.2014.955938 

Joussemet, M., Landry, R., & Koestner, R. (2008). A self-determination theory perspective on parenting. Canadian Psychology / Psychologie canadienne, 49(3), 194–200. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0012754

Kochanska, Grazyna & Thompson, Ross. (1997). The emergence and development of conscience in toddlerhood and early childhood. Parenting and children’s internalization of values: A handbook of contemporary theory. 

Lumanlan, J. (2025, October 19). I Don’t Enjoy Playing With My Kid: Why It Happens & What To Do. Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/captivate-podcast/parenting-guilt-playing-with-kids

Lumanlan, J. (2025, May 7). How to Foster Positive Sibling Relationships. Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/foster-positive-sibling-relationships 

Lumanlan, J. (2024, April 28). How to raise a child who doesn’t experience shame. Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/captivate-podcast/noshame/ 

Lumanlan, J. (2023, August 16). The connection between social challenges and power. Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/socialchallenges/ 

Lumanlan, J. (2023, April 30). What I wish I’d known about parenting. Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/captivate-podcast/whatiwishidknown/ 

Lumanlan, J. (2022, September 25). Healing and Helping with Mutual Aid. Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/captivate-podcast/mutualaid/ 

Lumanlan, J. (2021, July 25). The Body Keeps The Score with Dr. Bessel van der Kolk. Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/captivate-podcast/thebodykeepsthescore/ 

Lumanlan, J. (2021, February 7). The physical reasons you yell at your kids. Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/captivate-podcast/yelling/ 

Lumanlan, J. (2018, November 26). You have parenting goals; do you know what they are?. Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/captivate-podcast/goals/ 

Lumanlan, J. (2017, January 8). How do I get my child to do what I want them to do?. Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/captivate-podcast/compliance/ 

Lumanlan, J. (n.d). The Anxious Generation Resources. Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/theanxiousgeneration 

Robichaud, J. M., Mageau, G. A., Kil, H., McLaughlin, C., Comeau, N., & Schumann, K. (2025). Parental apologies as a potential determinant of adolescents’ basic psychological needs satisfaction and frustration. Journal of experimental child psychology, 254, 106204. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jecp.2025.106204 

Finding this useful? Share with a friend!

1. Family holiday stress signals unmet needs – yours (e.g. rest, autonomy) bumping against theirs (e.g.. connection, belonging, competence in their role as a parent/grandparent). Both sets of needs are valid.
2. We all feel best when our needs are met.  Starting by looking for strategies that meet both of your needs always helps.  
3. Where you can’t find strategies that meet both of your needs, boundaries can help to protect your needs.
4. Healthy family holiday boundaries are clear statements about what works for you across time, location, gifts, food, and parenting while staying connected to people you care about.
5. You have to (really) believe you’re worthy of your needs being met.
6. Setting boundaries without guilt: Get clear on your needs, consider their needs too, be specific, offer alternatives when possible, and start conversations early.
7. When family pushes back on boundaries, acknowledge them but don’t give in. Repeat boundaries calmly, follow through with consequences, stay consistent.
8. Guilt when setting boundaries means you’re changing a pattern, not doing something wrong. You can care about their feelings without being responsible for fixing them.
9. During gatherings, check in with yourself regularly, and have an exit plan to help you stay calm and grounded.
10. Boundaries get easier with practice for everyone. Consistency helps people take you seriously and relationships often adjust after the initial reaction period.

The songs, the sparkly lights, families coming together – everything says the holidays should be the most wonderful time of the year.

But if you’re dreading this period, you’re not the only one wondering “is it normal to dread the holidays?”

You’re rushing from one gathering to the next while trying to spend quality time with family.  One minute everyone’s getting along fine, and the next your preschooler refuses to thank Grandma for a gift and there are hurt feelings on both sides. Then your child declines vegetables at dinner and the “When I was a child…” lecture begins.

Maybe you’re struggling with family holiday stress because Uncle Rob makes comments you don’t want your kids hearing. Or Grandma ignores your requests about gift experiences, not things, and goes overboard anyway. Or your partner expects you to say yes to everything while you’re barely holding it together.

You love these people, but the thought of another holiday gathering feels exhausting before it even starts.

The holidays get hard when we haven’t learned how to establish boundaries with family. Most of us grew up learning that “family comes first” – which meant: “sacrifice your own needs so other people can be happy.”

In this post, you’ll learn why setting family boundaries feels so difficult, what healthy boundaries actually look like, and how to set boundaries with family – especially your parents – without feeling guilty. You’ll also get practical strategies for how to deal with family conflict at holidays and reduce the family holiday stress that’s making you want to skip the whole season.

Why Setting Family Boundaries Feels So Hard During the Holidays

When you think about setting boundaries with your mom, or telling your in-laws you won’t be there for the holidays this year, what happens in your body?

Maybe your throat tightens. Maybe your stomach clenches. Maybe you start thinking of all the reasons you should just go along with what they want.

That reaction didn’t come out of nowhere. It came from years of learning that keeping the peace was more important than speaking your truth.

The cultural messages we absorbed run deep:

• “Family comes first” (but they never explained what that costs you)
• “It’s just one day” (except it’s never just one day – it’s the lead-up, the event, and the recovery)
• “Don’t be selfish” (even though taking care of yourself isn’t actually selfish)
• “They mean well” (even though good intentions don’t erase the impact)
• “Don’t rock the boat” (because you pointing out a problem is inconvenient to them)
• “It’s the holidays!” (so normal boundaries don’t apply)

What’s really happening here is that your needs are bumping up against other people’s needs. Your needs for rest, comfort, autonomy, and to understand and be understood. Their needs for connection, belonging, and appreciation.

Both sets of needs are valid.

And here’s where guilt shows up. 

Guilt appears when you’re breaking an old pattern. When you’re doing something different than what’s expected. 

Guilt shows up when someone else might be disappointed.

But guilt doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong. It means you’re changing how things have always been done, and change feels uncomfortable – for you and for them.

Family holiday stress signals that something isn’t working well for you – your needs aren’t being met.  Ideally, we want to be in a situation where both people’s needs are met in a relationship.  If you’re able to talk with your family about what’s not working well for you, and you’re willing to hear what they’d like to shift as well, this will be the most fulfilling path forward.

But where that isn’t possible, boundaries are our next best tool.  

What Are Healthy Family Boundaries

Boundaries expert Nedra Glover Tawwab told me that a boundary is a way we express our needs in a relationship.  

When we can’t find a way to meet both people’s needs, we’re essentially saying: “Until we can find a way to work together on this, I’m choosing to prioritize my needs in this relationship.”

Boundaries matter because they let you protect what’s important to you while staying connected to the people you care about.

Here are family boundaries examples across different areas:

Time boundaries:

• Visiting for two hours instead of staying all day
• Leaving at a set time even if others want you to stay longer
• Choosing which holiday events you attend based on your/your kids’ capacity, not what others want you to do

Location boundaries:

• Staying in a hotel instead of at your parents’ house
• Hosting at your home so you have control over the environment
• Meeting at a neutral location like a restaurant

Gift boundaries:

• Agreeing on a spending limit
• Requesting specific types of gifts (or no gifts at all)
• Talking with grandparents about the number of presents to give your kids (Nedra Glover Tawwab suggests dropping off any extras on their back porch!)

Food boundaries:

• Serving meals that work for your family
• Not forcing kids to eat certain foods to please relatives
• Bringing your own food if needed

Parenting boundaries:

• How relatives talk to your kids (like commenting on their looks, or whether they’re acting like a “proper” boy or girl)
• Who enforces rules with your children
• Comments about your parenting choices

These boundaries aren’t punishment. 

You are not rejecting your parents if you set them.

You are not being ‘mean’ or ‘selfish.’

Boundaries protect your capacity to actually enjoy time together. When you take care of your own needs, you can be your real self – perhaps in a way you weren’t able to when you were younger and didn’t set boundaries.

6 Steps on How to Set Boundaries with Family

Setting healthy boundaries with family starts with getting clear on what you actually need.

Click here to download the 6 Steps on How to Set Boundaries with Family

How to set boundaries with family Step 1: Get clear on what you need

Before you can set a boundary, it’s important to know what’s working and what’s not, and notice these with some self-compassion.

Ask yourself:

• What parts of holiday gatherings do I enjoy? (e.g. seeing family in small groups; cooking with others; continuing traditions with my kids)
• What parts of holiday gatherings leave me drained? (e.g. meals with more than 10 people; my Mom telling my kid what to eat and getting offended when they don’t; my Dad telling me that he would spank a kid for talking to him the way my kid talks to me)
• What do I need more of? (e.g. rest/sleep, comfort, mental space)
• What do I need less of? (e.g. loud places, criticism, pressure)

Your needs are information. They’re telling you something important about what would help you show up in a way that feels good to you.

How to set boundaries with family Step 2: Believe that you deserve to have your needs met

This can be a big challenge for many parents in my coaching practice.  

They can understand in their brains that they are people with needs, but they don’t really believe in their bodies that they’re worthy of having their needs met.

That’s one reason why they can slide into permissive parenting with their kids, and why it just seems easier to throw their hands up and do whatever their own parent wants.

If you don’t believe deep down that your needs matter as much as everyone else’s, you’ll keep overriding them. You’ll set a boundary and then cave when someone pushes back. 

You’ll say “We’re leaving at 4pm” and then stay until 7pm because you know your parent will be disappointed.  When you were a child, your parent’s disappointment and rejection was almost impossible for you to bear.

Now you’re older, you have other potential sources of love and belonging (partner, friends, extended family, therapist…).  Your parent isn’t the only person who can meet those needs for you.  And you are worthy of having your needs met.

How to set boundaries with family Step 3: Consider the other person’s needs too

Understanding their needs helps you find solutions that work for everyone.

It’s common for our parents to need connection, appreciation, and competence as parents.

They want to feel connected to us and to their grandchildren, to know they’re important to us, and to be appreciated for the sacrifices they’ve made for us. 

Very often, the comments we find so hurtful are related to their sense of competence – they criticize our bodies, our parenting choices, and our kids’ behavior because they care (this doesn’t make it right!).  

They recognize that people with certain body shapes are more successful, and they want us to do well.

They see our parenting as validating (or criticizing) the decisions they made as parents.

They want our kids to do well, and they’re afraid that our kids will be hurt by the world.

Listening to their perspective (as long as that perspective isn’t directly hurtful to us) can really help.  Validate their ideas: “Given how important education was when you immigrated to this country, it makes sense that you would be concerned that our child can’t read yet.”

You might find that once you’ve truly heard them, they’re willing to back off a bit on their pressure.  Then you might find your needs for competence in parenting and integrity with your values can be met without changing anything you do.  When your needs are met, there’s no reason to set a boundary.  

You might even make a request, e.g.: “Would you be willing to read to [child’s name]?”  I want to nurture their love of books and stories even though they aren’t reading fluently yet.”

How to set boundaries with family Step 4: Be clear and specific

Where your family member is unwilling to have a conversation about needs, or where it ends with more blame and shame, a boundary can be helpful.

Vague boundaries don’t work. “We’ll try to stop by” leaves everyone confused. “We’ll be there from 2-4pm” is clear.

How to establish boundaries with family:

• Say what you will do (not just what you won’t do)
• Be specific about timing, location, or limits
• Don’t ask permission – you’re informing, not requesting

The power of saying “This is what works for us” is that you’re not defending or justifying. You’re simply stating what’s true for your family.

Believing that you are worthy of having your needs met has to happen first.  Knowing this may help you to cope with their disappointment, knowing that you aren’t setting the boundary vindictively.  If you could find a way to meet both of your needs, you would.  And until then, you’re going to protect your own needs for a change.

How to set boundaries with family Step 5: Offer alternatives when you can

Offering meets their need for connection while honoring your boundaries.  The key to offering viable alternatives is that you have to genuinely believe the alternatives really will meet the other person’s needs.  (This is why ‘giving choices’ often doesn’t work to gain kids’ compliance – because we don’t consider whether the choices will meet their needs.)

Examples:

• “We won’t be there on the day itself.  We’d love to see you earlier that week” (Meets their need for connection; perhaps not for tradition/meaning-making)
• “We’re looking forward to coming for dinner.  We’d prefer not to exchange gifts, so we don’t plan to bring any ourselves.” (Meets their need for tradition/meaning making; perhaps not for the way they show love)
• “We won’t stay overnight, but we’ll come for the afternoon” (Meets their need for connection)

Sometimes you might not be able to think of an alternative to offer, and that’s okay too. (If your parent suggests an alternative, consider whether it meets your needs before reflexively accepting or declining.)  

You can acknowledge their disappointment while still holding your boundary.

How to set boundaries with family Step 6: Start early

Don’t wait until you’re overwhelmed or they’ve already made plans based on assumptions.

The earlier you communicate, the easier it is for everyone to adjust. Having the conversation well before the holidays gives people time to process and adapt.

What to skip:

• Over-explaining (you don’t need to justify your needs)
• Apologizing excessively (being sorry won’t make the boundary clearer)
• Asking permission (you’re an adult making decisions for your family)

How to set visiting boundaries with family during the holidays:

Think about length of visits based on your energy, your kids’ limits, and travel time. For overnight stays, ask yourself what you need – e.g. space, sleep, consistency.

When you’re facing multiple family obligations, remember: you actually can’t be everywhere, despite what guilt tells you.

Working through common scenarios helps. What happens when both sides of the family expect you on the same day? What if the “standard” visit length doesn’t work for you anymore? What if you need more space than in previous years?

Pushing yourself to comply with your parent’s requests when they don’t meet your needs will only create resentment. Instead, notice any budding frustration, anger or resentment you feel as a signal that a boundary may be helpful.

Why you’ll still experience guilt (and what to do about it):

Guilt usually means that your actions aren’t aligned with your values, and that you should change the thing you’re doing.

But where you’ve been going along with your parent’s needs for too long, you may feel guilty that you aren’t doing this anymore.

You may feel guilty that you’re prioritizing your own needs over your parent’s needs.

In this case, your feelings of guilt doesn’t mean their disappointment is your responsibility to fix.

You can acknowledge guilt without letting it make your decisions. You can notice “I’m feeling guilty right now” and still hold your boundary because you know your boundary is in service of your needs.

How to Deal with Family Conflict During Holidays

When they push back on your boundaries:

“But we always do it this way!”

What they’re really expressing is their need for consistency. You’re not responsible for maintaining every tradition, especially ones that don’t work for you anymore.

You can acknowledge their need while holding your boundary: “I hear that this tradition matters to you. We’re choosing to do it differently this year, and I hope we can find other ways to connect.”

“You’re keeping the kids from their grandparents!”

This one stings because it touches the fear that you’re somehow harming your children. But you’re not keeping anyone from anyone. You’re making choices about what works for your family.

The false choice here is that connection can only happen one specific way. You can maintain connection in different ways – video calls, shorter visits, meeting at a park instead of someone’s home.

“Just this once…”

Why “just this once” often becomes every time: because you’re teaching people that if they push hard enough, you’ll give in.

When flexibility makes sense: when circumstances genuinely change and the boundary isn’t serving you anymore.

When it undermines your boundary: when you’re caving because you’re uncomfortable with their reaction, not because your needs have shifted.

How to deal with a family who doesn’t respect boundaries:

What it looks like when boundaries aren’t respected:

• They agree but then push back again later
• They ignore what you said and make their own plans
• They try to negotiate every single time

Your options:

• Repeat the boundary (without anger or lengthy explanations)
• Follow through with consequences (if you said you’d leave at 4pm, leave at 4pm)
• Adjust your boundary if you learn something new about the situation

The difference between being flexible and having no boundaries is whether you’re making a conscious choice that serves you, or whether you’re just giving in to make someone else comfortable.

When relatives don’t invite you (because you set a boundary):

This happens sometimes, and it hurts. Their disappointment is real – and it’s still not your responsibility to fix.

You can reach out if you want connection: “I’d love to see you. Would you like to get together in January?”

Sometimes relationships need space before people can adjust to the new way you’re showing up.

Setting healthy boundaries when family members are difficult:

There’s a difference between difficult and harmful. Difficult pushes your boundaries. Harmful crosses safety lines.

When someone keeps testing your boundaries, stay consistent. Changing your boundary teaches them to keep pushing. You don’t need to explain again. Your boundary can be “We’re taking a break from visits right now.”  Staying calm and consistent helps you hold your boundary without getting pulled into emotional reactions. 

Dealing with family drama during the holidays without getting pulled in means remembering you don’t have to engage with every comment or conflict. “I’m staying out of this” is a complete sentence. Protecting your peace is valid.

When your partner isn’t on the same page:

This happens a lot – you want boundaries, they want to keep the peace with their family.

Get aligned before the gathering, not during it. Discuss each of your needs, and what resources you have available as a family.  Maybe your partner can take the kids to their parents’ house while you take a break.

Try to avoid the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse if you can (holidays have a way of increasing the stress level).  Try to find strategies that meet both of your needs.

Staying grounded when emotions run high:

Notice when you’re getting activated – tension in your jaw, defensiveness rising, wanting to shut down.

Simple tools: Take a break. Step outside. Focus on your breath.

You can hold a boundary even when you’re uncomfortable. Their feelings are intense AND you can still take care of yourself.

Dealing with Family Holiday Stress After You’ve Set Boundaries

Before the gathering:

Review what you need and what your boundaries are. Talk through the plan with your partner or a friend. Remind yourself why this boundary matters.

Have a plan for when you’ll leave or take breaks. Knowing you have an exit strategy can help you stay calmer.

During the gathering:

Check in with yourself throughout the day. Am I okay? Do I need a break?

Hold your boundaries without announcing them repeatedly. If someone pushes back, respond briefly and move on. You don’t have to engage with every attempt to change your mind.

After the gathering:

Processing your feelings is part of the work. You might experience guilt, relief, sadness, or frustration – sometimes all at once.

Your guilt is real AND not a sign you did something wrong.

Managing other people’s disappointment gets easier when you remember: you can care about their feelings without fixing them. Their disappointment doesn’t mean you made the wrong choice. They’re capable of handling their own emotions.

When repair is needed:

If you snapped or said something harsh, you can acknowledge it. Repair doesn’t mean dropping your boundary.

“I’m sorry I raised my voice. We’re still leaving at 4pm.”

Taking care of yourself when relationships are strained:

Some relationships might be tense for a while. Give it time – people often adjust after the initial reaction.

Keep reaching out in ways that work for you. Some relationships might not survive boundaries, and that tells you something important about whether the relationship was serving you.

Remembering why you set the boundary:

When guilt or doubt creeps in, ask yourself: What was I trying to protect? How did taking care of my needs help me show up better? What did I learn about what works for my family?

Building trust over time:

Boundaries get easier with practice – for you and for them. Consistency helps people take you seriously.

As they see you’re not abandoning the relationship, they often adjust. You might surprise yourself with what becomes possible when you’re not constantly overriding your own needs.

Ready to Do This Work With Support?

Setting boundaries is powerful work – and it can bring up a lot of old patterns and wounds. If you’re realizing how deeply these patterns run and want support as you navigate them, the Parenting Membership offers the community, coaching, and tools to help you make lasting changes.

Inside, you’ll work on getting your own needs met (not just providing an ideal environment for your children), align your parenting with your values, and get support from coaches and other parents who understand what it’s like to parent differently than how you were raised.

Click the banner to learn more about the Parenting Membership.

Final Thoughts

Setting family boundaries during holidays isn’t about cutting people off or being difficult. Holiday boundaries protect your capacity for real connection.

You can love your family AND take care of your needs. In fact, when you take care of your needs, you have more to give in your relationships.

The boundary that seems hardest to set is often the one you need most.

What’s one boundary you need to set this year? Start with that one. Notice what happens in your body when you think about it. Notice what shifts when you actually set it.

You’re not just changing your holidays – you’re modeling something important for your kids about what it means to honor your own needs while staying in relationship with others.

That’s a gift that lasts far beyond this holiday season.

Frequently Asked Questions About Setting Family Boundaries During the Holidays

1. Is it normal to dread the holidays?

Many parents experience dreading the holidays when their needs for rest, comfort, and autonomy bump up against family expectations. That tight feeling in your throat or clenched stomach when thinking about family holiday gatherings comes from years of learning that keeping the peace matters more than speaking your truth. Family holiday stress signals that something needs to shift. When you take care of your own needs, you actually show up with more capacity for real connection with family during the holidays.

2. How to deal with family holiday stress?

Family holiday stress happens when your needs aren’t being met. Start by getting clear on what parts of gatherings leave you drained and what you actually need more of (like rest or comfort) or less of (like chaos or criticism). Setting healthy boundaries with family protects your capacity to enjoy time together. Before gatherings, review your boundaries and have an exit plan. During visits, check in with yourself regularly and take breaks when you notice tension building in your body.

3. How do you politely set boundaries with family?

Setting family boundaries politely means being clear and specific while acknowledging their needs too. Say what you will do, not just what you won’t. Instead of asking permission, inform them: “This is what works for us.” When possible, offer alternatives that meet their need for connection while honoring your needs, like “We won’t be there on the day itself, but we’d love to see you earlier that week.” Start conversations early so everyone has time to adjust to the new plan.

4. How to set boundaries with family without feeling guilty?

Guilt appears when you’re breaking an old pattern, but it doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong. To establish boundaries with family, first get clear on what you need. Then consider what they need (often connection, belonging, appreciation). Be specific about timing or limits. Offer alternatives that you think might meet their needs when you can. Your guilt is real AND not a sign you made the wrong choice. You can acknowledge their disappointment while still holding your boundary because your needs are as worthy as theirs.

5. What are some family boundaries examples?

Family boundaries examples include time limits (visiting two hours instead of all day), location choices (staying at a hotel instead of their house), gift agreements (setting spending limits or requesting no gifts), food decisions (bringing your own food or not forcing kids to eat certain things), and parenting limits (how relatives talk to your kids or who enforces rules). Holiday boundaries protect what matters to you while staying connected. They’re not punishment or rejection – they help you show up with more to give.

6. How to set visiting boundaries with family during the holidays?

Think about visit length based on your energy, your kids’ limits, and travel time. Be specific: “We’ll be there from 2-4pm” works better than “We’ll try to stop by.” For overnight stays, ask yourself what you need – space, sleep, consistency – and communicate that clearly. When facing multiple family holiday gathering obligations, remember you actually can’t be everywhere. Staying in a hotel or meeting at neutral locations gives you more control over your environment and helps reduce stress.

7. How to deal with family conflict during the holidays?

When family pushes back on boundaries, stay calm and consistent. If they say “But we always do it this way,” acknowledge their need for consistency while holding yours: “I hear this tradition matters to you. We’re choosing to do it differently this year.” Don’t negotiate every time – repeat your boundary briefly without lengthy explanations. Follow through with consequences (if you said you’d leave at 4pm, leave at 4pm). You don’t have to engage with every comment. “I’m staying out of this” is a valid response.

8. Why does setting family boundaries feel so hard during the holidays?

Setting family boundaries feels difficult because of messages we absorbed: “Family comes first,” “It’s just one day,” “Don’t be selfish.” Your body might react with a tight throat or clenched stomach when thinking about how to establish boundaries with family. This reaction comes from years of learning that keeping peace matters more than your truth. But boundaries actually help relationships work better long-term. When you show up as your whole self instead of saying yes to everything, you have more capacity for real connection.

References

American Psychological Association. (2023, November 30). Even a joyous holiday season can cause stress for most Americans [Press release]. https://www.apa.org/news/press/releases/2023/11/holiday-season-stress 

Brown, J., & Errington, L. (2024). Bowen family systems theory and practice: Illustration and critique revisited. Australian and New Zealand Journal of Family Therapy, 45(2), 135–155. https://doi.org/10.1002/anzf.1589

Leach, C. (2017). Understanding Shame and Guilt. 10.1007/978-3-319-60573-9_2.   

Lumanlan, J. (2025, September 24). Intergenerational Trauma: How to Break & Heal the Anger Trigger Cycle. Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/intergenerational-trauma-guide/ 

Lumanlan, J. (2025, May 20). What to Do When Parents Disagree on Parenting. Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/parents-disagree-on-parenting/

Lumanlan, J. (2022, October 9). How to take care of yourself first with Liann Jensen. Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/captivate-podcast/liann/ 

Lumanlan, J. (2022, February 13). How to set the boundaries you need. Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/captivate-podcast/boundariesrevisited/ 

Lumanlan, J. (2021, February 21). Introduction to mindfulness and meditation with Diana Winston. Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/captivate-podcast/mindfulness/ 

Lumanlan, J. (2020, November 29). How to Set Boundaries in Parenting. Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/captivate-podcast/boundaries/ 

Lumanlan, J. (2020, October 18). Self-Compassion for Parents. Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/captivate-podcast/selfcompassion/ 

Lumanlan, J. (2019, December 5). The ultimate holiday gift-giving guide. Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/ultimategiftguide/ 

Lumanlan, J. (2019, December 5). The respectful parent’s guide to surviving the holidays. Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/survivingholidays/ 

Lumanlan, J. (2018, December 2). The Your Parenting Mojo holiday survival guide! Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/holiday/ 

Lumanlan, J. (2017, October 22). How to raise a girl with a healthy body image. Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/captivate-podcast/beauty/ 

Lumanlan, J. (2017, March 26). Parenting beyond pink and blue. Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/captivate-podcast/pink/ 

Lumanlan, J. (n-d.) Needs List. Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/needs/

Finding this useful? Share with a friend!

1. When you’re too tired to parent “the right way,” you’re depleted. Chronic stress limits your brain’s capacity for patience and empathy. That’s why you can’t use the tools you know.
2. Try to treat yourself with the same compassion that you would treat a dear friend who is struggling in the same situation you’re in.  Ask friends to reflect to you what they see in you as a parent.
3. Repair quickly. A simple “I was tired and got upset. I love you” rebuilds connection faster than hours of guilt.
4. Stop setting unnecessary limits like “don’t play with that box.” Save “no” for safety, wellbeing, and respect. When kids hear no constantly, they tune it out.
5. Traditional parenting advice on discipline focuses on stopping behavior. But the behavior will keep happening until you address the unmet need causing it.  Meeting your child’s need means your needs get met too!
6. Teach kids to identify their needs and solve problems together. Once they learn these skills, they can use them without your intervention – saving you enormous energy.
7. Information alone often isn’t enough to make the changes you want to see.  If you need support to help you do things differently, the Parenting Membership can help.

Finding effective parenting advice on discipline can feel overwhelming especially when your kids won’t listen, and you’re tired of parenting struggles. Many parents wonder why parenting is so hard these days, and look for practical parenting strategies for defiance that actually work. 

On the Your Parenting Mojo podcast, I spoke with parents Adriana and Tim about what it’s like to reach that breaking point – when you’re tired of parenting but still want to do right by your kids. 

This post explores strategies for parenting that help you navigate those difficult and exhausting moments when parenting feels overwhelming and parenting in the way you want to seems out of reach.

Why Parenting Feels So Hard These Days

Parenting has always been demanding. But today’s parents face unique challenges. We’re trying to stay calm, empathic, and connected while juggling endless responsibilities, limited rest, and constant comparison on social media. No wonder parenting feels so stressful.

Here’s the core problem: Most parents today are emotionally aware enough to know what to do – but they’re too depleted to actually do it. This gap between knowledge and capacity is where exhaustion turns even gentle parenting into frustration.

Adriana captured this perfectly: “My values did not align with my actions as much as I wanted them to.” She and Tim had read so many books, and listened to endless podcasts. They understood respectful parenting. And when they were depleted – when both kids were hungry and screaming and one just threw a toy at the other one’s head – they defaulted right back to what they saw growing up.

Why generic advice falls short

The parenting books don’t know about your specific triggers. They can’t tell you how to work with your nervous system when your child screams “I hate you!” and your whole body floods with cortisol because that’s exactly what your father used to say before things got violent. 

Or when your kids start fighting and you freeze because you learned early on that speaking up made things worse.

This happens because our nervous system stores patterns from childhood and activates them before our thinking brain can intervene. 

Tim grew up hearing “men don’t cry” and “don’t let anybody disrespect you”. Adriana grew up in an abusive, neglectful environment, basically raising her younger brothers while their mother struggled with alcoholism. 

They’d both done recovery work. They had good values. And their bodies still reacted before their brains could catch up.

Even if you had a ‘normal’ childhood, it’s possible that your needs weren’t met during your childhood, which could have created a trauma-like response in you that’s now expressed at anger toward your kids.  (This quiz can help you understand whether this is the case for you.)

The impossible conditions

You’re trying to implement new skills during the worst possible conditions. It’s like learning to drive in an empty parking lot and then being thrown onto a highway in a rainstorm. The skills you practiced in calm moments don’t automatically transfer to high-stress situations without support and practice.

That’s why all those memes you’ve saved from Instagram or TikTok don’t help – they make sense in the moment you see them, but when you’re actually stressed everything you know flies out the window.

What Happens When You’re Too Tired to Parent

We’re used to thinking of exhaustion as being about sleep, but parental burnout is different.  It’s more like emotional depletion. When your stress levels stay high, your brain’s capacity for patience, reasoning, and empathy drops. You might know the “right” response but find yourself yelling, shutting down, or giving in.

Research shows that chronic stress limits access to the parts of the brain responsible for self-control and empathy – making parenting feel harder. When your nervous system is dysregulated, no amount of conscious effort can override your body’s stress response.

Adriana struggled with postpartum depression and anxiety for the first two years after having her second child. “Treating my mental health problems is more than just ‘go take a bath.’ The bath totally helped. But there was more to be done.”

She had the values. She understood respectful parenting. She knew what she was supposed to do. And she still couldn’t do it when she was in the thick of it.

Signs you’re operating on empty

You know what to do but can’t actually do it. The responses you know you “should” use require emotional bandwidth you just don’t have right now. You snap before you can stop yourself. You say things you regret. You parent in ways that don’t match your values.

This happens because emotional regulation requires significant cognitive resources. When those resources are depleted by stress, sleep deprivation, or mental health challenges, your brain literally cannot access the tools you know intellectually.

You’re constantly waiting to stop surviving. Adriana and Tim kept asking themselves: “When are we going to stop just surviving?” They were doing everything they could – mindfulness, meditation, reading books, listening to podcasts. And every day still felt like just making it to bedtime.

When you’re chronically stressed, your body stays in a heightened state of alert. Your nervous system prioritizes responding to immediate demands over everything else – connection, planning, patience. When you’re operating this way day after day, even “good enough” parenting feels out of reach.

Your kids’ needs seem impossible to meet. When you have multiple kids, it can sometimes seem impossible to meet all their needs simultaneously. Both kids melting down at the same time. Both desperately wanting to be held. Both refusing to touch each other. One child crying while you’re helping the other. Everyone upset. 

And then you explode – and feel guilt and shame for exploding.  You apologize to your kids and say it won’t happen again…and feel shame all over again when they say: “But you said that last week too.”

When parenting advice backfires

Well-intentioned advice like “stay calm” or “take a deep breath” can create shame when you can’t implement it. You beat yourself up for not being able to do what seems simple on paper. You wonder what’s wrong with you.

Nothing is wrong with you. You’re trying to use tools designed for calm conditions in emergency conditions. Your nervous system is doing exactly what it learned to do to keep you safe – it’s just not what your kids need right now.

Understanding this distinction between your capacity and your values is essential for healing the shame that keeps you stuck.

7 Steps for When Parenting Feels Too Hard

Here’s what actually helps when you’re too exhausted to parent the way you want to:

Click here to download the 7 Steps for When Parenting Feels Too Hard

When parenting feels too hard Step 1: Stop blaming yourself

Arguments at breakfast. Getting dressed. Brushing teeth. Transitions. Screen time. Bedtime battles that involved multiple trips back to their rooms.  There are endless possibilities for interactions with our kids that end in anger.

Many parents I coach blame themselves when this happens, and tell me: “I feel like a terrible parent.”

They have probably been in this anger-self-blame cycle for a while, and it hasn’t helped them to make the change they want to see.  Stopping self-blame is the first step to a different outcome.

When parenting feels too hard Step 2: Practice Self-Compassion

The next question I ask parents who are struggling with self-blame is: “How is your self-compassion practice?”  

Then they look at me sheepishly and say: “Ummm…not so good.”  

Most of them wouldn’t allow anyone to speak to their kids in the way they speak to themselves.  

We work on practices to create a ‘bridge’ to self-compassion, like writing a letter to a friend who is struggling with the same situation, and then reading it to ourselves.  

In the Parenting Membership, we host ACTion groups of up to five members plus a trained peer coach.  Members come to deeply know and care for each other, and might take turns recording messages for each other that share what they see in each member.  

These messages can be a lifeline in a difficult moment when we can’t see the goodness in ourselves.

Why this works: When you stop blaming yourself or your child for struggles and recognize depletion as the actual issue, you can address the root cause instead of managing symptoms. Blame and shame keep us stuck. Understanding creates possibilities for change.

When parenting feels too hard Step 3: Stop setting unnecessary limits

Adriana realized she was saying ‘no’ along the lines of seventy-eight times a day for no good reason. “Don’t play with that box.” “Don’t take those spoons out of there.” “Stop ripping that paper.”

She thought she needed a clean house. So she’d step in constantly, redirecting, stopping, saying no in lots of different ways.

When she stopped setting unnecessary limits and instead focused on strategic limits, the necessary ones actually worked. Her kids didn’t run around painting on the walls. Things didn’t descend into chaos. Life got easier.

Why this works: Each limit you set requires enforcement, which drains your energy and your child’s willingness to cooperate. When children hear “no” constantly, they tune it out as background noise –  leading to emotional fatigue for everyone. 

But when “no” is reserved for strategic situations – those concerning safety, wellbeing, and respect – children can actually hear and respond to it. This approach isn’t permissive; it’s thoughtful and respects the limited energy you have as a parent.

Need help setting limits that actually work?  The Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits short course will help.

When parenting feels too hard Step 4: Slow down to understand what’s actually happening

A child resisting bedtime might not be “defiant”. They might be worried they’ll forget their plan for tomorrow’s project.

Tim had a breakthrough when he asked five-year-old Bodhi why he was resisting bedtime. Bodhi didn’t want to forget what colors he wanted to use on his drawing the next day.

Simple solution: they wrote down the colors on a note and taped it above his bed. Bedtime resistance: solved.

Why this works: Most “misbehavior” is actually a child trying to meet a legitimate need in the only way they know how: resistance. 

When you can understand the need underneath their behavior, you often find simple solutions that meet both your needs and theirs. (Not sure what need your child is trying to meet?  The Tell Me What My Child’s Need Is quiz will help!)

The child gets their needs met (remembering their plan), and you get your needs met (reasonable bedtime). This is fundamentally different from either giving in or forcing compliance.

When parenting feels too hard Step 5: Repair instead of ruminate

Tim came home from work stressed about getting the kids to bed quickly. They had planned to set up a tent for an upcoming camping trip. The kids weren’t listening – they were running around losing tent stakes. Bodhi had a hatchet and was swinging it around. The tent kept falling over.

By bedtime, nobody was having a good time.

Tim paused. “Guys, I’m really sorry that I’ve been short with you. I’m just a little worried that you’re not listening to anything I say, and we’re going camping soon. And a lot of dangerous things could happen if we’re not listening. I love you so much. And you’re so important to me.”

His daughter Remy looked at him and said: “That’s not true. You always go to work and leave us.”

The “misbehavior” wasn’t about the tent or the hatchet or bedtime. It was about an unmet need for connection.

Why this works: Repair builds resilience in your relationship. When you mess up and acknowledge it, you teach your child several crucial things: that mistakes are normal, that relationships can survive conflict, and that they’re worthy of an apology. A simple “I was tired and got upset. I love you” rebuilds safety faster than hours of guilt and rumination. Your child doesn’t need perfect parenting – they need you to show up and reconnect when things go wrong.

When parenting feels too hard Step 6: Teach your kids to solve their own problems

This is where things get exciting for parents. When you shift from controlling behavior to helping kids understand their needs, they start using those skills themselves.

Adriana changed how she responded to sibling conflicts. Instead of jumping in to separate them immediately, she started checking in: “Hey, I hear some loud voices. Do you guys need help? Are you figuring it out?”

When they needed help, she’d grab a favorite stuffed animal. Whoever’s holding it gets to say everything they need to say, without interruption. Then they brainstorm solutions together.

Here’s what happened: Bodhi (4) was coloring. Remy (3) came over and started trying to color on his paper.  (Previously, this would have ended in a meltdown all around.)

Bodhi said: “Wait a second, Remy, let’s talk about this. What do you need right now?”

Remy: “I just really wanted some extra playtime with you because you’ve spent so much time coloring lately.”

Bodhi: “Okay, what if I stop coloring for a few minutes and go play with you?”

They solved it themselves. Four and three years old. No parent intervention. No timeout. No consequences. No bribes.

Why this works: When you teach problem-solving skills instead of just managing behavior, you’re investing in long-term capacity building. Your kids learn to identify their needs, communicate them clearly, and work toward solutions that respect everyone involved. Initially, this takes more time and energy than just separating fighting kids. 

But once they internalize these skills, they can use them independently – which dramatically reduces the amount of refereeing you need to do. You’re not the referee anymore. You’re the coach. And that saves you enormous amounts of energy in the long run.

When parenting feels too hard Step 7: Get support when you’re stuck

You don’t need more information. You’ve probably already done a lot of research. You understand gentle parenting and respectful parenting concepts.

What you need is someone to help you figure out why it’s not working in your house, with your specific kids, given your specific triggers and history.

Here’s the gap most parents face: they know what respectful parenting looks like in theory, but they don’t know why they keep defaulting to yelling when their four-year-old refuses to put on shoes for the tenth time that week. They understand that children’s behavior is communication, but they can’t decode what their specific child is trying to communicate in the moment when everyone’s melting down.

You need someone who can see the patterns you can’t see yourself. Someone who can say “Here’s what might be happening” when you’re too close to the situation to have perspective. Someone who understands both the research and the reality of implementing it when you’re depleted.

That’s a completely different kind of support than reading another book or listening to another podcast episode.

Why this works: An outside perspective helps you see what’s actually happening underneath the surface struggles – the unmet needs, the patterns from your own childhood, the specific dynamics in your family. This helps you get clarity on why the knowledge you already have isn’t translating into action. With support, you can identify the specific barriers keeping you stuck and develop strategies that actually fit your family’s reality.

When You Feel Tired of Parenting Altogether

Adrianna and Tim were doubtful that joining the Parenting Membership would help them.  When I asked them why they did anyway, they looked at each other, laughed, and said: “Desperation!” 

The truth is, parenting is hard because it requires constant emotional availability from people who are already exhausted. But things can shift surprisingly quickly once you get the right support.

Not because your kids become perfect. Kids are still kids. They still have big feelings. They still fight with their siblings sometimes. They still resist bedtime occasionally.

What changes is how you show up. Tim said: “I think it’s more about how we responded to stuff that made a bigger difference.”

Adriana described an internal shift where she started feeling real compassion for her children instead of annoyance. “When my kids are having a hard time, I feel that for them. And it makes getting down and having that conversation easier. It’s not always having the problem-solving conversation in the moment, but just being there for them. ‘Ah, you must be really upset right now to say that to me. Yeah, let me know if there’s anything I can do. I’m here for you.’ And I mean it. They can feel that I mean it, you know. So it’s been a game changer.”

How to Discipline a Child When Nothing Works

Sometimes I see parents online asking: “What discipline tools do you use in X situation?” or “What consequence do you give for Y behavior”?

When we’re asking these questions, we’re missing the opportunity to understand why the child was doing the behavior in the first place.

Adrianna and Tim’s kids used to fight constantly, and Adrianna would jump in to send each child to their ‘corner.’  

Their fighting triggered memories from her own childhood, and she would tell them: “Siblings aren’t supposed to do that. You guys have to be best friends.”

That approach wasn’t working – Adrianna couldn’t go to the bathroom without one of them pulling the other one’s hair out.

Why Traditional Discipline Stops Working

Kids act out because they have unmet needs and they don’t know how else to communicate them.

Parents whose kids hit each other usually find the hitting happens for one of two main reasons:

1. The hitting child wants to play and doesn’t know how to ask the other one
2. The hitting child wants connection with a parent, and hitting their sibling is the fastest way to get their parent’s attention.

Traditional discipline methods – timeouts, consequences, taking away privileges, spanking – focus on stopping the behavior. And they might work temporarily. Your child stops hitting because they don’t want to lose screen time or sit alone in their room.

But separating them, punishing them, or bribing them doesn’t teach them what to do instead. It doesn’t address why they hit in the first place. So the same thing happens tomorrow. And the next day. And the next.

Why this matters: When you understand that behavior is communication, you ask different questions. Instead of asking “How do I make this stop?” you start asking “What is my child trying to tell me?” That shift opens up entirely different responses – ones that actually address the underlying issue rather than just suppressing the symptom.

What Actually Works

When we talk about our own feelings and needs with our kids, they then start doing it with each other.  

That’s what happened for Adrianna and Tim.  Bodhi didn’t ask about Remy’s need for play out of nowhere.  Adrianna had laid the groundwork in first working to understand Bodhi’s needs:

“I see you don’t like either of the options I’m proposing.  Do you need autonomy?  Do you want to make this decision yourself?”

“I see you not wanting to go to bed, and I’m wondering if you have a need for more connection with me?  Could we do that after dinner tomorrow?”

“It’s hard for me to hear you ask for help in that tone.  Are you feeling overwhelmed right now?  Are you hoping for help to make things a bit easier this evening?”

The next step was Bodhi resisting going to bed with Tim’s ‘help’ – and Bodhi saying: “Mom would ask me what my needs are!”  That’s how they uncovered his concern that he would forget the colors he wanted to use the next day.

Then just a few weeks after that, the kids were using these tools with each other.

And… (drumroll please…) Adrianna could finally go to the bathroom by herself.  

With the door closed.

And know that all kids would still have all body parts when she re-emerged.

Why this works: Children are capable of far more emotional intelligence than we typically give them credit for. When we model problem-solving – identifying feelings and needs, and brainstorming strategies to meet everyone’s needs – they absorb those patterns. 

Then they start applying them in their own relationships. My own daughter’s preschool peers would look to her to help facilitate their conflicts.  This doesn’t happen overnight, but it happens faster than you might think when you consistently use these tools.

Getting Support When Parenting Strategies Aren’t Working

If you’re stuck in a cycle of exhaustion and reactivity, it might be time to get support. You need three things to make actual change happen:

Research-based information tailored to your family. Not just the latest trending parenting advice, but an understanding of what the whole body of scientific research actually says and how to apply it to your specific situation. Generic advice fails because it doesn’t account for your unique nervous system, your triggers, your family dynamics.

A supportive community. Other parents who share your values. Who won’t judge you when you admit you yelled at your kid this morning. Who understand what you’re trying to do and can offer perspective when you’re stuck. Community provides both validation that you’re not alone and practical wisdom from people navigating similar challenges.

Help when you get stuck. Because you will get stuck. We all do. When that happens, you have two choices: drop back into your old habits, or figure out what didn’t work and why, and how to try differently next time. This is where coaching makes the difference – someone who can help you see the patterns you can’t see yourself and identify the specific barriers keeping you stuck.

That third piece is what makes the difference between reading another book and actually changing your family dynamics.

Inside the Parenting Membership, we help parents rebuild emotional capacity and learn strategies that actually work – especially when nothing else does. You get monthly content on different parenting challenges, access to a private community, group coaching calls where you can talk directly with me, and small groups of peers who meet weekly and form deep connections as you work through challenges together.

Tim said something unexpected: “If someone was to ask me, I would say it’s as valuable for our marriage as it is for the kids.” He and Adriana realized they weren’t extending the same respect to each other that they were learning to give their children. The tools you learn for parenting help with every relationship in your life.

Join the Parenting Membership waitlist and get notified when doors reopen in January 2026. Click the banner to learn more.

Final Thoughts

Parenting will always have hard days. You’ll still get tired, frustrated, and overwhelmed – but each time you pause, repair, or rest, you’re changing the pattern.

You don’t need to parent perfectly.  (Perfect parents don’t actually exist.) You just have to keep showing up with compassion for yourself as well as your child.

Adriana gained confidence in seeing her own needs as valid: “I spent a long time trying to be somebody that I wasn’t. And doing that totally makes seeing your own needs impossible. Because even if you do see them, they’re not valid.”

Tim learned to show emotion with his kids despite his “men don’t cry” upbringing: “I was totally raised on not showing emotion and not letting people see your weaknesses. But I do know the value in it. And it makes it possible for me, and I know it’s going to get us to where we need to be.”

These weren’t small shifts. These were fundamental changes in how they understood themselves, their kids, and their relationships. And it happened faster than they expected.

Links to products on Amazon are affiliate links, which means I receive a small commission that does not affect the price you pay.

Frequently Asked Questions About Parenting

1. Why is parenting so hard these days?

Today’s parents face a unique challenge: they know what to do but are too depleted to actually do it. You’re trying to stay calm and connected while juggling endless responsibilities with limited rest. Your nervous system stores patterns from your own childhood and activates them before your thinking brain can intervene. When you’re chronically stressed, your brain literally can’t access the parenting tools you know intellectually. This gap between knowledge and capacity is where exhaustion turns even the best intentions into frustration.

2. What to do when parenting is too hard?

Start by recognizing you’re depleted, not failing. Stop setting unnecessary limits – save “no” for things that truly matter so your kids actually listen. Slow down to understand what’s driving the behavior instead of just reacting to it. When you mess up, repair quickly with a simple “I was tired and got upset. I love you.” Teach your kids to identify their own needs and solve problems together. And get support from someone who can help you figure out why things aren’t working with your specific kids and triggers.

3. How do you discipline a child when nothing works?

Traditional discipline fails because it focuses on stopping behavior without addressing why it’s happening. Kids don’t act out because they’re “bad” – they have unmet needs and don’t know how to communicate them yet. Instead of asking “How do I make this stop?” ask “What is my child trying to tell me?” Teach them to identify and communicate their needs. They can often find highly creative strategies that meet your needs as well! This addresses the actual issue instead of just suppressing the symptom.

4. How do you deal with parental exhaustion?

Parental exhaustion isn’t just about getting more sleep.  You may be emotionally depleted as well. It’s important to address the root causes, not just manage symptoms. Stop blaming yourself and recognize that constant conflict happens when everyone’s operating on empty. Reduce unnecessary demands by only setting limits that truly matter. Focus on repair instead of rumination when things go wrong. Teach your kids problem-solving skills so they can handle conflicts without you. And treat underlying mental health issues – it’s more than just taking a bath or practicing self-care.

5. Can you get burnout from parenting?

Absolutely. When your stress levels stay high, you might know the “right” response but find yourself yelling, shutting down, or giving in anyway. You’re constantly waiting to stop just surviving. You snap before you can stop yourself and parent in ways that don’t match your values. Chronic stress keeps your body in a heightened state of alert, and your nervous system prioritizes responding to immediate demands over connection and patience. When you’re operating this way day after day, even “good enough” parenting seems out of reach.

6. What are the best parenting strategies when kids won’t listen?

Kids often aren’t listening because they have an unmet need they can’t communicate. Instead of repeating commands, slow down and ask what’s going on. One dad discovered his son resisted bedtime because he worried about forgetting the colors he wanted to use on his drawing the next day – they wrote it down and bedtime resistance disappeared. Teach kids to identify their needs and brainstorm solutions together. When siblings fight, ask if they need help or if they’re figuring it out themselves. Give them problem-solving tools they can use without you, which saves enormous energy long-term.

7. Why do I find parenting so stressful?

Parenting asks for constant emotional availability from people who are already exhausted. Research shows chronic stress limits access to the parts of your brain responsible for self-control and empathy. When you have multiple kids, it’s physically impossible to meet all their needs simultaneously sometimes. Both kids melting down at once. Both wanting to be held. Nobody’s needs getting met. This isn’t a problem you solve by trying harder. You need different tools that work within your capacity limitations and address why your body reacts the way it does.

References

Bogdán, P. M., Varga, K., Tóth, L., Gróf, K., & Pakai, A. (2025). Parental Burnout: A Progressive Condition Potentially Compromising Family Well-Being-A Narrative Review. Healthcare (Basel, Switzerland), 13(13), 1603. https://doi.org/10.3390/healthcare13131603 

Coyne, S. M., McDaniel, B. T., & Stockdale, L. A. (2017). Do you dare to compare? Associations between maternal social comparisons on social networking sites and parenting, mental health, and romantic relationship outcomes. Computers in Human Behavior, 70, 335–340. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.chb.2016.12.081

Cross, D., Fani, N., Powers, A., & Bradley, B. (2017). Neurobiological Development in the Context of Childhood Trauma. Clinical psychology : a publication of the Division of Clinical Psychology of the American Psychological Association, 24(2), 111–124. https://doi.org/10.1111/cpsp.12198 

Dubois, A. C., Roberti-Lintermans, M., Mallien, Z., François, A., Lahaye, M., De Mol, J., & Aujoulat, I. (2024). How do exhausted parents experience their interactions with their children? A qualitative and participative study. Frontiers in public health, 12, 1340748. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpubh.2024.1340748 

Farhadipari, M., Mirzaie, N., & Dasht Bozorgi, Z. (2024). The Mediating Role of Emotion Regulation and Shame in the Relationship Between Parental Perception and Anxiety in Adulthood. KMAN Conseling and Psychology Nexus, 2(1), 200-209. http://doi.org/10.61838/kman.psynexus.2.1.26 

Goulet, J., Ratelle, C. F., Guay, F., Plamondon, A., Bureau, J. S., Litalien, D., & Duchesne, S. (2025). Children’s externalizing behaviors and parenting practices in school-related tasks: Parental basic psychological needs as mediators. Journal of Family Psychology. Advance online publication. https://doi.org/10.1037/fam0001372

Kim P. (2021). How stress can influence brain adaptations to motherhood. Frontiers in neuroendocrinology, 60, 100875. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.yfrne.2020.100875 

Lumanlan, J. (2025, April 29). Are You A Permissive Parent?. Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/are-you-a-permissive-parent/ 

Lumanlan, J. (2025, February 16). Feeling exhausted and overwhelmed? Tools to help you cope. Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/captivate-podcast/key-skills-overcome-parental-burnout/ 

Lumanlan, J. (2024, April 7). Three reasons why setting limits is hard (and what to do about each of them). Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/captivate-podcast/threereasonssettinglimits/ 

Lumanlan, J. (2022, May 15). From desperation to collaboration. Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/captivate-podcast/desperation/ 

Lumanlan, J. (2021, July 25). The Body Keeps The Score with Dr. Bessel van der Kolk. Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/captivate-podcast/thebodykeepsthescore/ 

Lumanlan, J. (2017, November 5). How to raise emotionally healthy boys. Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/captivate-podcast/healthyboys/ 

Lumanlan, J. (n.d.-a). Needs list. Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/needs 

Lumanlan, J. (n.d.-b). Identifying your child’s needs quiz. Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/childs-needs-quiz 

McEwen B. S. (2017). Neurobiological and Systemic Effects of Chronic Stress. Chronic stress (Thousand Oaks, Calif.), 1, 2470547017692328. https://doi.org/10.1177/2470547017692328 

Office of the Surgeon General. (2024). Parents under pressure: The U.S. Surgeon General’s advisory on the mental health & well-being of parents. U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK606662/

Robichaud, J. M., Mageau, G. A., Kil, H., McLaughlin, C., Comeau, N., & Schumann, K. (2025). Parental apologies as a potential determinant of adolescents’ basic psychological needs satisfaction and frustration. Journal of experimental child psychology, 254, 106204. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jecp.2025.106204 

Rutherford, H. J., Wallace, N. S., Laurent, H. K., & Mayes, L. C. (2015). Emotion Regulation in Parenthood. Developmental review : DR, 36, 1–14. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.dr.2014.12.008 

Wenling, L., Muhamad, M. M., Fakhruddin, F. M., Qiuyang, H., & Weili, Z. (2023). Exploring the Impact of Emotional Education in Parent-Child Interactions on Early Childhood Emotional Intelligence Development. International Journal of Academic Research in Progressive Education and Development, 12(3), 733–742.

Finding this useful? Share with a friend!

1. Why do Halloween candy rules cause fights between parents and kids? Kids want autonomy over decisions that seem important to them, indulgence in delicious treats, and belonging with their friends. But parents worry about children’s health, which can create conflicts.
2. Is sugar actually addictive for children? Research shows kids prefer sweetness more than adults. But restriction often creates obsession rather than true addiction.
3. What really happens when kids eat too much candy? Most effects are mild (constipation, moderate energy spikes) rather than the extreme hyperactivity parents often fear.
4. How can I tell if my candy rules aren’t working? Watch for sneaking behavior, constant negotiation, obsessive focus on rules, or binge eating at parties.
5. What works more effectively than strict candy limits? Work together with kids using a collaborative approach. Start with understanding needs, create agreements you both actually agree to, plan scenarios, and adjust.
6. Should I allow candy every day during Halloween season? Focus on reducing restriction feelings and building autonomy rather than perfect dietary compliance.
7. How do I build a healthy long-term relationship with treats? Prioritize trust and shared decision-making over control.  

The Healthy Approach to Halloween Candy: Four Steps to Halloween Candy Agreements That Stick

This research-backed four-step process that supports your child in understanding their own bodies and developing internal decision-making skills around treats. Read on for the science that supports this method and step-by-step implementation details.

Click here to download the 4 Steps to Halloween Candy Rules That Actually Work

How Most Halloween Candy Rules Miss the Point

Why does Halloween turn even the most confident parent into someone making deals with a tiny sugar-loving boss?

Every October, parents suddenly find themselves fighting with their kids about candy rules. While parents worry about Halloween candy hurting their kids’ health, the real problem isn’t what happens when you eat too much candy. It’s the fights that rip through families faster than kids can open Fun Size Snickers.

This challenge gets right to the heart of parenting. We worry about what too much sugar does to our kids’ bodies while our kids only see us being ‘mean’ and ‘unfair.’ We want to keep them safe, but our rules often blow up in our faces and create sneaking behavior – or at the very least, a lot of arguments.  

Halloween originated as a festival to mark the end of summer and start of winter; the transition between the living and the dead.  We’ve changed it to focus much more on decorations and candy.  When you think about it, celebrating a holiday so focused on candy and then denying our kids access to this candy must be pretty confusing for them!

Moving beyond these yearly battles requires understanding why traditional Halloween candy rules fail. We can learn from my conversations with Dr. Michael Goran, co-author of Sugarproof, sociologist Dr. Karen Throsby who studies sugar’s social meanings, and parent Rose navigating daily candy battles with her child. Together, we can find a way that respects both our kids’ right to make choices and our job as parents.

Why Halloween Candy Rules Create Such Big Problems

Halloween candy fights happen when parents and kids have different underlying needs. When we understand what everyone really needs, we can find ways that work for the whole family.

Children often have a need for autonomy – they want some control over their own choices. They find candy delicious, and want to indulge in treats they enjoy.  They also have a need for belonging and inclusion, especially when they see friends freely enjoying – and maybe even trading – Halloween treats. 

Parents usually need competence in taking care of their kids’ health and wellbeing. We need a sense of safety and competence about our kids’ future relationship with food.  We also don’t want endless fights with our kids!  We have needs for ease and harmony.

Many parents also have a deep need to feel competent as caregivers – to know we’re supporting our children’s wellbeing in ways that align with our values. When we worry about candy, we’re often experiencing fear that something harmful might happen if we don’t step in. This fear can drive us toward trying to control the situation, but what we’re really seeking is confidence that our children will be okay and that family life can flow with more ease.

Conflicts intensify because Halloween candy carries deep cultural meaning beyond nutrition. As Dr. Throsby explains, sugar is tied up with fun, love, celebrating, and eating with other people. When we create rigid rules around Halloween candy, we’re inadvertently asking children to separate the treat from the social connection and celebration it has come to represent.

The traditional approach – where parents make the rules, while kids are expected to follow them – doesn’t meet anyone’s needs well. Kids’ needs for autonomy and inclusion stay unmet, while parents’ needs for ease harmony in the house also don’t get fulfilled.

Can Sugar Be Addictive?

A lot of our worry about Halloween candy comes from hearing that sugar is addictive. Dr. Throsby studies how people talk about sugar in news stories and health messages. She says that when we call sugar “addictive”, it makes us panic and think we need to do something right away, but it doesn’t actually fix the real problems.

When parents hear that sugar might be addictive, it can trigger our need for competence as caregivers. We want to feel confident that we’re protecting our children from potential harm. This fear of ‘getting it wrong’ can drive us toward rigid control, but what we’re really seeking is the ease that comes from knowing our approach supports both our child’s wellbeing and our family’s harmony.

Dr. Michael Goran studies how much sugar kids eat. His research shows that kids do like sweet things more than grown-ups do. And that built-in preference gets amped up even higher with exposure to sweet foods. But this doesn’t make sugar addictive like drugs or alcohol.

The bigger problem is that when we don’t let kids have something, they usually want it even more. When we control something children enjoy, we might make it seem more special and exciting. This can lead to kids thinking about sugar all the time, and if they know they’re not allowed to have it, they may start sneaking food.

Rose, a parent who shared her story on the Your Parenting Mojo podcast, experienced this firsthand. Despite following expert advice about limiting sweets, she noticed that her daughter had begun hiding sugary food to eat it when her parents weren’t around. The very rules designed to create a healthy relationship with sugar were undermining that goal.

What Happens If You Eat Too Much Candy

Understanding what happens when kids eat a lot of sugar can help us to approach this topic in a way that’s aligned with our values.

Dr. Goran explains that fructose is a big part of many candies. When kids eat it, their liver turns it into fat through a process that causes swelling in the body. This sounds scary, but what parents actually see is often not as bad as they expect.

Real symptoms parents notice include constipation instead of the extreme behavior changes we’re often told about. Sugar can give kids a quick burst of energy, then crash and become hungry and want more sugar. But this isn’t the same as the wild hyperactivity many parents worry about.

We might also worry that kids won’t eat enough nutritious food if they’re eating so much candy.  My own daughter has noticed a paradox in how my husband talks to her about candy: if she asks for it before dinner, he says: “Don’t eat candy before dinner, or you’ll be full and won’t eat your meal.”  But if she asks for candy at dinner time, he says: “Candy isn’t real food; it won’t fill you up!”  Getting clear in our own minds about what we believe can help us to give our kids more consistent messaging.

Signs Your Halloween Candy Rules Aren’t Working

Several red flags indicate that your Halloween candy approach might be creating more problems than it solves:

• Sneaking and hiding behavior suggests your child’s access to candy is overly restricted. When children go hide and eat things, they’re telling us the rules are too hard to follow the way we set them up.
• Constant negotiation around treats creates ongoing stress for everyone. If you’re hearing “Are we having cookies tonight?” followed by tears and upset no matter what you say, the system isn’t working for anyone.
• A heavy focus on candy rules can prevent children from enjoying Halloween activities. When kids worry so much about candy rules that they can’t enjoy other parts of the holiday, our rules are making things worse.
• Going overboard at parties or events might mean the rules at home are too strict. Rose talked about her daughter sitting for two and a half hours eating cookies at a party while other kids played. This showed that the child thought she had to eat as much as possible whenever she got the chance.

If you recognize these patterns in your family, it’s because the restrictive approach that many of us learned about candy isn’t working for us.   Here’s a way to create a new relationship with candy for your child.

4 Steps to the Problem-Solving Approach to Halloween Candy Rules

Instead of imposing rules, consider involving your child in creating a Halloween candy plan that works for your family. This approach acknowledges that sustainable solutions need buy-in from everyone affected.

Problem-solving approach to Halloween candy rules #1: Understand everyone’s feelings and needs

When conflicts arise around Halloween candy, both parents and children are typically experiencing real feelings that point to important underlying needs. Taking time to understand these can transform your approach.

Your child might be experiencing frustration when they want autonomy over their treats. Or sadness when they see friends participating freely in Halloween traditions like trading that they can’t be a part of (because they don’t have candy) – they want to belong in their friend group.

You might feel worried about your child’s health and eating, or overwhelmed by regular arguments about food. Your underlying needs might include competence as a parent – feeling confident that you’re supporting your child’s wellbeing – and ease in your daily family life. When we feel uncertain about how to handle candy, we might try to control the situation because we fear something bad will happen if we don’t. But often what we’re really seeking is the confidence that comes from knowing our approach aligns with our values and supports our child’s long-term relationship with food.

And of course, this emotional work often gets dumped on mothers. Dr. Throsby’s research shows that food decisions become “women’s work,” and our performance as mothers is judged by what our kids eat, as well as their body shape and size.

When you can identify the specific feelings and needs involved, you move beyond the surface-level battle of “I want candy” versus “No more candy”. Instead, you can explore creative strategies that address everyone’s underlying needs.

If you’d like help identifying specific feelings and needs in your family’s candy conflicts, you can reference this feelings list and needs list to get more precise about what’s really driving the struggle.

Problem-solving approach to Halloween candy rules #2: Work together to create agreements

Instead of having predetermined Halloween candy rules, shift into a collaborative approach. Invite your child to share their perspective and ideas. This process has two parts: exploring possibilities and then committing to specific agreements.

Start by exploring possibilities together

Invite your child to share their perspective and ideas. Start with open-ended questions that invite creativity. Ask questions like:

“How much candy do you think would work well for our family?”

“When would be good times to enjoy treats?” 

“What would make this fair for everyone?”

“How could we make sure you still eat your meals, and don’t feel so amped-up you can’t go to sleep?” 

These kinds of questions position you as partners working toward shared solutions.

Listen for the needs behind your child’s initial suggestions. If they say “I want unlimited candy”, you might hear their need for autonomy and inclusion. You can acknowledge those needs while exploring strategies that also meet your needs. You may say: “You want to be able to make choices about your treats and not miss out when friends are having fun. I want to make sure your body gets the nutrition it needs to feel good. Let’s think about ways to honor both of those things.”

Then create concrete agreements

Once you understand each other’s perspectives, work toward concrete agreements. These might include:

• How many pieces of candy per day seems reasonable to both of you
• Whether candy comes before or after meals
• How to handle special occasions or parties
• What happens to the candy stash over time
• How to navigate peer situations where other kids have different rules

The key is that these agreements emerge from your conversation rather than being imposed unilaterally. Your child is more likely to follow agreements they helped create.

A collaborative agreement might sound like: “I want one sweet daily, but I also want to join friends at the ice cream truck. What if I save my daily sweet for those times, or what if we agree on flexible amounts for social situations?”

If your family is new to collaborative problem-solving, start practicing on less emotionally charged issues before tackling Halloween candy, like a request for ice cream or candy on a day before Halloween.

Success in smaller negotiations builds skills and trust for more challenging conversations. Your child learns that their input matter to you. And that you’re genuinely interested in finding solutions that work for everyone.

It’s very important that you don’t go into the conversation with a fixed idea of a single outcome that will work for you (“One piece of candy per day or nothing!”).  Your child will sense this inflexibility and will likely refuse to engage.

If you’re new to collaborative problem solving and your child won’t participate, you might say something like: “Last year I made the rules and you didn’t like them.  I really think we can find a way to meet both of our needs, and I’m willing to try to do it if you’re willing to participate.  If we can’t talk about it then I’ll make the rules again like I did last year, and they might not work for you.  I’d prefer not to do that, though, if we can avoid it.”  

Your tone of voice can be the difference between making this a threat and an invitation to collaborate, so you might want to practice this in your head before you say it out loud to your kids.

Problem-solving approach to Halloween candy rules #3: Plan for the unexpected

Halloween rarely goes exactly as planned. Discuss scenarios together:

• What if you get way more candy than expected?
• What if someone offers candy when you’ve already had your agreed amount?
• What if a friend wants to trade or share?
• What if you’re at a party with different rules?

Having these conversations beforehand helps everyone be prepared and reduces in-the-moment conflicts.

For example, your child might suggest “I can have extra candy at parties”. You might agree while adding “and could we pause candy the next day to balance it out?”  You might find your child is willing to come toward you on the day after the party when you come toward them on the party day itself.

Problem-solving approach to Halloween candy rules #4: Adjust and experiment

People’s needs change, so even perfect collaborative agreements will evolve over time. If you see your child hiding candy or always asking to change the rules, you might want to try something different.

Dr. Goran suggests approaching this as a family experiment. You can see for yourself and record the changes in how your child relates to sweets under different conditions.

During these experiments, help children connect their food choices to how their bodies respond. Comments like “You had the ice cream, and you didn’t become hungry at dinnertime, right? But now you’re super hungry again” help kids develop their own internal awareness rather than relying solely on external rules.

You may also decide to keep a journal for a period of time, recording what your child eats and what else is going on in their lives.  Many parents uncover that the bedtime meltdown is less about candy and more about waking up early that morning, or challenges at preschool/school.

When children do overeat, address the underlying feelings rather than just the behavior. If your child wonders why does everyone else get all of this stuff and they don’t, that sense of unfairness needs attention alongside any conversations about moderation.

Help kids understand how their bodies respond to sugar, which may change over time.  When my daughter was two, a lollipop given by a kind server at a restaurant led to an hour of running around.  Now she’s 11, that same lollipop no longer has the same effect on her.

Long-Term Halloween Candy Health Strategy

When thinking about Halloween candy health over time, sustainable approaches focus on overall nutrition patterns rather than micromanaging individual treats. Dr. Goran emphasizes reducing sugar, increasing fiber, increasing protein, and increasing more fruits and vegetables as general principles. This supports health without creating food anxiety.

One really useful tool that Dr. Goran introduced me to is to offer another food with candy. This can look like:

Child: “Can I have a lollipop?”

Parent: “Yes, although I’m a bit worried you’ll suddenly have a lot of energy and then you’ll crash afterward.  Would you like to have some yogurt with it, so you get some protein as well?”

Remember that learning to have a positive, nourishing relationship with food is a lifetime journey for many of us. It will change as you and your child learn together. Halloween is just one part of a much bigger conversation about how your family thinks about food and celebrating.

The goal is helping kids learn what they like and how to make their own choices instead of having parents control everything forever. This means accepting that kids will make mistakes. This also includes Halloween nights when they might eat more candy than you want them to.

Making Peace with Halloween Candy

Is It OK to Eat Candy Every Day? A Realistic Answer

World Health Organization recommendations about sugar focus mainly on dental caries rather than dramatic health effects. This suggests that moderate candy consumption isn’t the emergency we sometimes imagine.

Parent Rose tried allowing “one sweet thing a day” and found it initially helped. But it created new problems when opportunities arose for additional treats. The real question isn’t whether daily candy is “okay” but whether your approach is creating restriction and obsession.

Sometimes it’s better to have more but less frequently. Especially if that approach reduces conflict and sneaking while maintaining overall nutrition goals.

Building a Healthy Relationship with Halloween Treats

Dr. Throsby reminds us that we get a lot of pleasure from eating, – not just via taste, but socially as well.  We may struggle with children’s candy intake at Halloween because we see so much enjoyment and indulgence in our kids – but we’ve been continually warned about the ‘dangers’ of eating too much and of eating the ‘wrong’ kinds of food.  

It can help to separate out our own feelings about our children’s body shape and size from theirs.  

If we choose to celebrate Halloween, we probably hope it will be enjoyable rather than anxiety-provoking. Creating positive associations with celebration and food serves children’s long-term wellbeing.

The path forward is in the direction of autonomy over decision making rather than external control. This means helping children develop internal tools for making food decisions.

We want to raise kids who can make good choices while still enjoying parties and eating with friends.

Final Thoughts

Successful Halloween candy rules prioritize relationships and trust over perfect compliance. This year, try talking with your child about Halloween candy rules before the big day. Ask your child what they think would be fair, what they worry about, and what they want from Halloween.

Giving up some control over what your kids eat may ultimately help you to meet your broader goals for your children’s long-term health and balanced relationship with food.   

Remember that your need for competence as a parent is valid. You want to feel confident that your approach supports your child’s wellbeing. The collaborative method honors this need while also meeting your need for ease in daily family life – reducing the exhausting negotiations that rigid rules often create.

Most importantly, remember that this is not going to be something that gets fixed in one problem-solving conversation. Be patient. Your child is learning. You are learning too as you deal with these hard situations.

This Halloween, don’t just try to limit how much candy your child eats. Think about how your approach affects your child’s relationship with food. Think about their independence. Think about whether they trust you. The goal is to raise kids who can make good choices. We also want them to enjoy the celebrations that make childhood special.

Note: Links to Amazon are affiliate links.

Turn Daily Power Struggles Into Collaboration

Do your Halloween candy battles also show up as arguments about bedtime, screen time, chores, and every other rule your child pushes back on? You’ve tried everything – rewards, consequences, pleading, getting tough – but the same patterns keep repeating.

You already see how collaboration works better than control. Now learn how to create that calm partnership on every topic where your child tests limits.

The Setting Loving (& Effective) Limits workshop gives you the exact tools to make this shift. You’ll learn how to move from constant struggles and nagging to genuine partnership with your child – without bribes, threats, or giving in.

Sign up for the workshop today!

Frequently Asked Questions About Halloween Candy

1. Why is Halloween candy so addictive?

Research shows kids do like sweet things more than grown-ups – and that built-in preference gets amped up even higher with exposure to sweet foods. However, calling sugar “addictive” creates urgency that isn’t really backed by research. The real issue is that restriction often creates obsession and sneaking behaviors.

2. What happens if you eat too much candy in one day?

The effects are usually milder than parents expect. Dr. Michael Goran’s research shows fructose gets processed by the liver and can cause inflammation. But observable symptoms typically include constipation and energy spikes followed by crashes. Controlled studies often find that these energy spikes are much lower than parents might imagine (in one study, researchers had to create a new category of movement to distinguish between baseline and slightly above baseline when kids ate a sugary breakfast).

3. How much is too much Halloween candy?

Instead of focusing on exact amounts, watch for signs your approach isn’t working. This may include sneaking and hiding candy, constant arguments about treats, or going overboard at parties. These red flags show your restrictions may be creating the problems you’re trying to avoid.

4. Should I let my kids eat all their Halloween candy?

Most children benefit when we focus more on their relationship with food than the specifics of what they’re eating.  You may find that allowing more freedom reduces your child’s sense of ‘not enough-ness’ as well as fights over food, which keeps interactions around food more positive.  Overall, we’re trying to help kids navigate their own food intake rather than controlling it ourselves.

5. How to limit kids’ Halloween candy?

Use collaborative problem-solving instead of imposing strict rules. Understand everyone’s needs. Generate solutions together and create specific agreements your child helps make. Plan for unexpected scenarios, and adjust as needed. Children are more likely to follow agreements they helped create.

6. What are the signs of too much sugar in your body?

Help children connect food choices to how they feel: “You had ice cream and didn’t want dinner, but now you’re hungry again.” Explain sugar’s effects without shame: “This gives you energy fast, then it wears off.” This builds internal awareness rather than reliance on external rules.

7. How to get rid of excess Halloween candy?

You might feel tempted to just throw excess candy away, but this may undermine trust in your relationship with your child.  They may also think it’s unfair because their friends get candy and they don’t.  When we create scarcity around highly palatable foods like candy, kids may respond by wanting it more.  Restricting their access to candy when they’re young may not necessarily lead to the healthy eating habits you want to instill.  You may find that kids eat a wider variety of foods when we back off from controlling what’s available to them.

8. Is Halloween candy healthy?

Halloween candy isn’t nutritious, but the social and emotional aspects matter too. Dr. Karen Throsby notes that food is “an important site of pleasure,” tied to celebration and connection. Focus on overall nutrition patterns while allowing children to participate fully in cultural traditions without shame.

9. What is a healthy alternative to Halloween candy?

Don’t focus on replacing Halloween traditions. Focus on building a healthy relationship with all foods. Emphasize increasing fiber, protein, and vegetables year-round while reducing sugar gradually. Remember this is an ongoing journey.

References

Brown, R., & Ogden, J. (2004). Children’s eating attitudes and behaviour: a study of the modelling and control theories of parental influence. Health education research, 19(3), 261–271. https://doi.org/10.1093/her/cyg040

Guideline: Sugars intake for adults and children. Geneva: World Health Organization; 2015. Hu F. B. (2002). Dietary pattern analysis: a new direction in nutritional epidemiology. Current opinion in lipidology, 13(1), 3–9. https://doi.org/10.1097/00041433-200202000-00002

Ludwig D. S. (2002). The glycemic index: physiological mechanisms relating to obesity, diabetes, and cardiovascular disease. JAMA, 287(18), 2414–2423. https://doi.org/10.1001/jama.287.18.2414

Lumanlan, J. (2022, January 9). Sugar Rush with Dr. Karen Throsby. Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/captivate-podcast/sugarrush/

Lumanlan, J. (2021, October 3). How to Sugarproof your kids with Dr. Michael Goran. Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/captivate-podcast/sugarproof/

Lumanlan, J. (2021, August 15). Division of Responsibility with Ellyn Satter. Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/captivate-podcast/dor/ 

Lumanlan, J. (2019, July 7). Using nonviolent communication to parent more peacefully.  Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/captivate-podcast/nvc/ 

Lumanlan, J. (2019, May 5). SYPM002: Sugar! with Rose Amanda. Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/captivate-podcast/roseamanda/ 

Lumanlan, J. (2016, October 10). Help! My toddler won’t eat vegetables. Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/captivate-podcast/007-help-toddler-wont-eat-vegetables/ 

Patrick, H., & Nicklas, T. A. (2005). A review of family and social determinants of children’s eating patterns and diet quality. Journal of the American College of Nutrition, 24(2), 83–92. https://doi.org/10.1080/07315724.2005.10719448

Wolraich, M. L., Wilson, D. B., & White, J. W. (1995). The effect of sugar on behavior or cognition in children. A meta-analysis. JAMA, 274(20), 1617–1621. https://doi.org/10.1001/jama.1995.03530200053037

Finding this useful? Share with a friend!

1. Intergenerational trauma occurs when effects of past experiences pass to children and grandchildren, even when they never experienced the original traumatic events themselves.
2. Parents may react intensely to small behaviors because trauma survivors often struggle with emotion regulation, especially during stressful parenting moments. Strong reactions happen when children unconsciously remind parents of their own childhood experiences, activating old emotions and survival responses – this is called being “triggered.”
3. Being “triggered” is a clinical term that describes when trauma survivors experience intense reactions because present situations remind them of past traumatic events. Parents without trauma histories may experience emotional overwhelm or “flooding,” but this is different from being triggered.
4. Trauma shows up today when parents blame their child – or themselves – rather than recognizing deeper patterns from their past are at play.
5. Breaking cycles starts with understanding your triggers and pausing before reacting, creating space between past wounds and present responses.
6. Processing your story in safe environments helps organize traumatic memories and prevents both complete silence and constant rehashing from harming relationships.
7. Healing involves keeping focus on your child’s actual needs rather than trying to rewrite your own childhood through your parenting decisions.

My-Linh Le grew up in San José watching her parents explode over small mistakes – when she forgot her backpack in first grade, her mother “kicked that thing across the room and hit the wall so hard it terrified me.” When her sister messed up dinner, her father threw dishes at the wall. The house was filled with an unpredictable rage that left Le lying awake at night, anxious about what mistakes she might make the next day.

As a child, Le assumed all Vietnamese families were like this. But years later, as an adult, she realized something that shook her. During a phone call with her boyfriend, when he didn’t do something she expected by a certain time, rage “just suddenly came out of nowhere, just like totally bubbled up within me.” She wanted to throw the phone across the room. “It was this really depressing moment of realizing that I’m just like my mother,” she said. 

Despite spending her childhood learning to suppress her anger to avoid setting her parents off, their trauma had somehow passed to her too. Her father’s first wife and son had drowned when their boat sank trying to reach America. Her mother had left a daughter behind in Vietnam, too afraid that the girl’s kicking and screaming would mean their escape would be discovered. These losses – never discussed, barely acknowledged – had shaped a family’s emotional landscape and passed their effects to the next generation.

I realized that trauma doesn’t just affect the people who directly experience it. It can ripple through generations, showing up in unexpected ways in children and grandchildren who never experienced the original events.  This blog post draws on my conversation with Dr. Rebecca Babcock Fenerci, a licensed clinical psychologist from Stone Hill College whose research focuses on intergenerational trauma resulting from family-based trauma.

Based on the insights from our conversation, this blog post will explore how intergenerational trauma can show up in parenting and practical strategies to break the cycle of trauma.

What Is Intergenerational Trauma

The definition of intergenerational trauma goes beyond what many people initially think. 

Dr. Fenerci explains that when we first consider intergenerational trauma, we might think about trauma being perpetuated across generations – parents experienced some type of trauma, whether being a victim of abuse or neglect, and then their own child has similar experiences.

But intergenerational trauma encompasses much more than direct repetition. The definition also includes the increased risk these children have for experiencing the consequences of that trauma, such as post-traumatic stress disorder, mood disorders, behavioral problems, and disrupted attachment.

Dr. Fenerci gives this example: 

“A child whose parent survived physical abuse growing up may be at risk if that child also experienced physical abuse. But the child might also be at increased risk for certain mood disorders or behavior problems or disrupted attachment, altered cortisol or stress-response system functioning.”

This means trauma transmission can happen even when the specific traumatic events aren’t repeated. The effects of trauma like the altered stress responses, emotional patterns, and relationship difficulties can pass to the next generation.

Why Do People React So Differently to Trauma

I was surprised to learn how differently people may react to traumatic circumstances. Studies on coping with trauma have looked at Holocaust survivors and children of Vietnam War veterans. Even within these groups, the effects were completely different for different people.  Some people experience truly horrific events, and go on to lead fulfilled lives.  Others see what we might think of as less overwhelming events, but they are profoundly impacted by them.

Dr. Fenerci explains why this happens, using the diathesis-stress model. This shows that our genes and stressful events work together. They shape what happens to us.

“If you’re thinking about the results of trauma and its consequences, whether it’s increased results in psychopathology or developments of mental illness or post-traumatic stress disorder or other negative consequences, it really depends a lot on certain risk factors that may run in a particular family.”

This includes genetics, but also epigenetics – how our experiences can actually change which genes are turned on or off. 

“It’s an ongoing interaction between genetics which may result in a certain predisposition or personality,” she notes. 

Even siblings who grew up in the same family and share half their genes can have very different outcomes.

The severity and chronicity of trauma also matter. As Dr. Fenerci puts it: 

“The more chronic or severe the trauma – such as the Holocaust, that’s exceptionally severe, exceptionally chronic, the more likely it is that the trauma is going to have an impact on a large percent of the population that has endured that.”

How the Brain Processes Trauma

Understanding how trauma works in the brain helps explain why it can affect us and our children for years. The brain handles trauma differently than regular memories.

When an event happens that we find traumatic, our fight or flight response kicks in. Our body gets flooded with stress hormones. When this happens too much, especially with family trauma, it can cause two things. We might have very vivid memories that keep coming back. Or we might forget the trauma completely.

During traumatic events, the limbic system in our brain works extra hard to keep us safe. But the frontal lobe which helps us think clearly and make sense of things shuts down. This is the part of the brain that helps us organize our memories and understand what happened to us.

This survival mechanism becomes problematic when trauma isn’t discussed. When a trauma isn’t talked about, the survivor is never able to process and make sense of the events.

The Extremes: Too Much Silence vs. Too Much Sharing

Through listener stories, we see both ends of the spectrum when it comes to family trauma and communication. Some never talk about it at all. Others talk about it all the time. Both ways can cause problems.

The Danger of Complete Silence

One pattern involves never discussing traumatic experiences. Many Japanese Americans virtually never mentioned their experiences in internment camps during World War II. This left lasting effects on their children. 

When we’re traumatized by something, it affects us in many different ways. If we never get to make sense of what happened, those effects keep playing out in our relationships and everyday experiences.

The Problem with Constant Rehashing

On the opposite extreme, one listener shared an example of family trauma. Her grandfather had been so abusive that he once lined up his wife and children at gunpoint, planning to kill them all before killing himself. Only when the mother came out of the bathroom and yelled for him to stop did he drop the gun, allowing the grandmother to sneak all the children out of the house that night.

The four older daughters developed various addiction issues throughout their lives. But there was something else going on:

“Every time they would get together as a family, they would rehash all of their memories of the abuse in absolutely excruciating detail.” 

Despite this constant discussion, the listener, who grew up in an otherwise loving home, found herself very fearful and couldn’t understand why.

This constant retelling can create vicarious traumatization. When we hear about a traumatic event experienced by someone we love, it can make us upset.

6 Ways Trauma Shows Up in Parenting

Parenting after trauma presents unique challenges. Here are several specific mechanisms through which trauma impacts the next generation.

How trauma shows up in parenting #1: Strong emotional reactions

Parents who experienced trauma may get furious over small things – not just annoyed, but experiencing the same fight-or-flight response they had during their original traumatic experiences.

Being “triggered” is a clinical term that describes when something in the present unconsciously reminds a trauma survivor of past traumatic events. Their brain responds as if the original danger is happening again, even when the actual situation is minor.

This might happen when their child asks for something over and over, or when they get interrupted while talking.

This connects to a powerful story from podcast listener Katie. She was adopted from the USSR after her alcoholic, abusive parents spent time in prison. Katie works hard with medication and therapy to build a strong bond with her son. But she knows she gets angry very quickly. Simple things set her off.  She reacts quickly and harshly when her son repeats things over and over, and when he does something she asks him not to do.

It’s important to note that not every strong parenting reaction qualifies as being “triggered.” Parents without trauma histories may experience intense emotions or “flooding” when overwhelmed, but this is different from the trauma-based activation that defines triggering.

How trauma shows up in parenting #2: Children as trauma reminders

A parent’s own child may actually serve as a trauma reminder. This may be conscious or unconscious. When children are traumatized by their caregivers or other family members, it can disrupt their ability to form healthy attachments.

When people who were hurt by caregivers become parents themselves, they’re now on the other side of that attachment relationship. Being close to your child can remind you of how your own parents treated you when you were a kid. 

If you went through something hard or hurtful back then, those old emotions might come back. This happens even if you haven’t thought it through or talked about it. You might not even realize it’s happening. Sometimes, those emotions can affect how you treat your own child, even though you don’t mean for this to happen.

How trauma shows up in parenting #3: When we think our reaction about our kids, but really it’s about our past

Sometimes parents don’t realize their intense reactions are related to their past experiences – especially if things have been ‘fine’ up to the point when they had children. They might think, “My child is making me angry” rather than recognizing deeper patterns at play.

This is what psychologist John Briere calls ‘source attribution errors.’ When parents don’t understand where their upset emotions come from, they blame the wrong thing. They might blame their child or themselves. So even when their child acts normally for their age, the parent gets triggered easily.

The problem gets worse because we often believe everything we think is true. When we think “My child doesn’t respect me” or “I’m a terrible parent”, these thoughts seem like facts. But our explanation is just one way to make sense of what’s happening. There could be many other explanations.  A child might jump on the couch even when you’ve told them not to because they’re deliberately trying to irritate you…or because they’ve had a hard day and they’re trying to get your attention to connect with you.

When you can step back from your automatic thoughts, you might discover your child isn’t trying to disrespect or annoy you at all. They might be trying to meet their own needs in the only way they know how. When we understand what need our child is trying to meet through their behavior that we find difficult, we often find strategies to meet both of our needs.

How trauma shows up in parenting #4: Disorganized memory and trauma-related thoughts

Dr. Fenerci studied disorganized memory, which happens when the person who had a traumatic experience hasn’t processed or understood what happened. She found that mothers who had experienced abuse as children were more likely to have toddlers who seemed sad, withdrawn, or anxious.  

She also studied specific thoughts and emotions that can stick around after traumatic experiences – things like shame, anger, fear, self-blame, and feeling cut off from others. She wanted to understand how these might affect parenting relationships. One key finding stood out: when mothers carried a lot of shame from their past, their toddlers were more likely to struggle with mood and behavior issues.

How trauma shows up in parenting #5: Difficulty regulating emotions

Children learn how to manage their own emotions by observing and interacting with their parents.

But trauma survivors often have trouble with emotion regulation themselves, especially when dealing with challenging or stressful situations. Parenting is already tough, and if your child is acting out or pushing your buttons, it’s even harder.  It can be difficult to teach your child how to manage their emotions when you’re struggling with your own.

This challenge doesn’t just affect your relationship with your children. It impacts your whole family system, including your relationship with your partner. When one parent gets triggered or flooded, it can trigger the other parent too. The stress spreads through the family like ripples in a pond.

How trauma shows up in parenting #6: Sense of loss and unmet needs

When parents didn’t get what they needed as children, it can show up in confusing ways with their own kids. Sometimes trauma survivors unconsciously expect their children to meet needs that weren’t met in their own childhood. This flips the relationship – suddenly the parent’s needs become more important than the child’s.

It might look like this: A child reaches out for connection, but their parent gets angry instead of responding warmly. Why? Because that parent might remember their own childhood, when they reached out for connection their parent reacted angrily. Without realizing it, they’re repeating the pattern.

But there’s another layer that makes this even harder. When parents start giving their children the love and attention they themselves never received, it can bring up painful awareness of what they missed. This puts parents in a tough spot. They’re trying to heal their own wounds while also showing up for a child who depends on them completely. 

9 Steps to Break the Cycle of Trauma

Click here to download the 9 Steps to Break the Cycle of Trauma

How to break the cycle of trauma #1: Understand your triggers

Common triggers often relate to past experiences in ways we don’t immediately recognize. Start by looking closely at what specifically sets off your sudden anger.

When a child’s action triggers us, there’s usually a thread connecting it to something from our own childhood. Maybe their defiance reminds us of times we were punished for speaking up. Or their tears bring back memories of being told our emotions were “too much”.

This awareness doesn’t make the triggers disappear overnight. But when we understand why we’re reacting so strongly, we may be able to create space between the trigger and our response. In that space, we can choose how to respond rather than just reacting from our past wounds.

How to break the cycle of trauma #2: Understand your needs

Understanding your triggers is just the first step. You also want to understand what needs you’re trying to meet when you get triggered. 

Often we think we ‘need’ our child to put on their shoes or brush their teeth, but these aren’t actually needs – they’re strategies. Your real needs might be for ease, collaboration, or connection. 

When you can identify the need underneath your reaction, you open up many more ways to meet that need. If your need is for ease and your child won’t get dressed, maybe you can lay out clothes the night before or let them pick between two outfits. If your need is for connection and they’re pushing you away, maybe you can find a small way to connect that doesn’t involve the thing they’re resisting.

How to break the cycle of trauma #3: Process your own story

As we’ve discussed earlier, too much silence and too much sharing can do more harm. Avoiding the topic altogether can keep old wounds festering, but so can rehashing them in exhaustive detail with anyone who will listen. Aim for a middle ground, whether that’s with a therapist, a trusted friend, or in a journal, where you can tell your story in a way that helps you make meaning of it.

Trauma gets stored differently in our brains. When our fight-or-flight system is activated, the part of our brain that helps us organize and make sense of experiences gets shut down. That’s why revisiting these experiences in a safe, supportive environment can be so helpful because it allows us to use our whole brain to process what happened.

How to break the cycle of trauma #4: Take a breath

When you notice intense anger or other strong emotions, try taking one conscious breath before responding. This gives your brain’s thinking centers a chance to come back online and helps you respond more thoughtfully.

Understanding where these big emotions come from can help make this strategy even more effective. When we’re triggered, our body is responding to something it perceives as a threat – even when that threat is actually just our toddler asking for a snack for the fifth time. Our brain doesn’t always distinguish between real danger and reminders of past pain.

You can also practice family-wide breathing practice. Parents can model these techniques for children and suggest doing it together: “We’re all having a hard time! Is it okay if we take a break to both take some deep breaths?”

This approach has several benefits. Not only does that give us the moment to think, but it also physiologically calms our system down because when we experience anger or other intense emotions, our sympathetic nervous system gets activated, so to be able to calm that system down gives us some time to be able to think things through.

How to break the cycle of trauma #5: When you can’t take a breath, practice self-compassion

You won’t be able to do this perfectly every time. Sometimes you’ll still yell. Sometimes you’ll still react from your triggers before you can catch yourself. This can be really discouraging.

When we mess up, we often beat ourselves up about it. We think things like “I’m a terrible parent” or “I should know better by now”. But this harsh self-criticism actually makes it harder to change our patterns.

Instead, try treating yourself with the same compassion you’d offer a dear friend. If your friend told you they yelled at their child, you probably wouldn’t say “You’re awful and you’ll never get better at this.” You’d likely say something like “Parenting is really hard. You’re doing your best and you’re working on it.”

That same gentle approach with ourselves is much more likely to lead to actual change. When we’re kind to ourselves about our mistakes, we can learn from them without getting stuck in shame. We can repair with our children and try again tomorrow.

How to break the cycle of trauma #6: Be thoughtful with storytelling

If you choose to share aspects of your past with your child, keep their developmental stage in mind and let their questions guide how much you say. The goal is to not overwhelm them with details they can’t yet process.

Consider what you’re hoping to accomplish by sharing:

• What are the pros and cons of saying this to my child? 
• How would I like to express this to them? 
• What could their reaction be to this situation and what is the purpose of telling them? 
• How could this potentially benefit our family? 
• What could it potentially hurt the family dynamic in some way?”
  

There’s no universal right answer – just what works for your family.  By sharing minimal information and then responding to their questions, you’re less likely to share information they aren’t ready for yet.

How to break the cycle of trauma #7: Keep the focus on your child’s needs

It’s understandable to want to “rewrite” our own childhoods through our parenting, but that can easily shift the focus from the child’s needs to our own unmet ones. Our children can’t heal our past – they can only live their own lives, with our support.

Dr. Fenerci found something surprising in her research: mothers who reported “loving being mothers” sometimes had children with lower social-emotional wellbeing. Her hypothesis was that these mothers might be unconsciously using their children to meet their own emotional needs rather than focusing on what their kids actually needed.

How to break the cycle of trauma #8: Consider asking for support in navigating your traumatic experiences

Therapy can be an invaluable tool for uncovering unconscious patterns, making sense of big emotions, and practicing new ways of responding. And if you ever consider revisiting the people or places connected to your trauma, having professional guidance can make that process safer and more productive.

Remember that the people who hurt us might not remember things the way we do or they might not be willing to acknowledge what happened. Going in with realistic expectations and support can help protect you from additional harm.

You might also consider talking with your healthcare provider about your experiences. Research on Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs) shows that early trauma can affect not just our mental health, but our physical health too. People with four or more ACEs have twice the risk for heart disease and over 12 times the risk for thoughts of suicide. Your doctor can help you understand how your experiences might be impacting your overall health and connect you with appropriate resources.

How to break the cycle of trauma #9: Pay attention to the signals

Changes in your child’s mood or behavior, persistent conflicts, or experiences of depression, anxiety, or distress in yourself are all important signs. Sometimes the “problem” we see in our child is actually a sign that something deeper is going on in the family dynamic.

This doesn’t mean everything is your fault. Kids go through normal developmental phases, and plenty of challenges have nothing to do with our past trauma. But it’s worth asking: Could something that’s impacting me also be impacting my child?

Going Deeper: Taming Your Triggers

These nine steps can make a real difference. But if you’re finding that intense reactions are happening frequently, if you’re regularly “seeing red” over small things, or if you notice your child starting to walk on eggshells around your emotions, you might benefit from more targeted support around triggers specifically.

When we’re triggered, our brain’s alarm system takes over. The part that can think clearly and make good decisions goes offline. That’s why simply telling ourselves to “calm down” rarely works because we need different tools.

In my Taming Your Triggers workshop, we dig deeper into understanding what’s happening in your brain and body when you get triggered, and practice specific strategies for:

• Catching yourself before the trigger takes full hold
• Calming your nervous system in the moment
• Responding to your child from a place of connection rather than reaction
• Having conversations after big reactions that actually bring you closer together

Many parents tell me this work has transformed not just their parenting, but their relationships with their partners and even their own sense of self. When you can stay present with your child even in challenging moments, both of you benefit.

K.D., a parent who took the workshop, shared: 

“I’ve been determined to break the generational trauma with my own children while holding my triggers like an inevitable nuisance at best and as only human when I lost it and react. It’s so incredibly freeing to consider that possibility that I could lay down those chains all together. 

The Taming Your Triggers workshop was a clear, concise and actionable path forward. The workshop gave me very clear steps to take toward being the mother I aspire to be by helping me heal my own hurt. Since the workshop I’m more patient and have greater capacity.”

Breaking the cycle comes down to becoming aware of what you’re carrying, and choosing to respond with intention instead of reaction. When you pause, reflect, and respond differently, you’re building new patterns that your children will carry forward into their own lives.

Ready to learn how to tame your triggers and break the cycle of trauma?

Click the banner to learn more!

Final Thoughts

Breaking cycles of intergenerational trauma means making intentional choices to respond in ways that are different from the patterns you inherited. This work takes time and patience with yourself. 

You might still get triggered sometimes. You might catch yourself reacting in ways that remind you of your own childhood. That’s part of being human. What matters is that you’re aware, you’re trying, and you’re willing to repair when things go sideways.

The trauma you experienced wasn’t your fault, but the healing you do now is your gift – to yourself, to your children, and to the generations that will come after them. 

This isn’t easy work, but it’s some of the most important work you’ll ever do. And you don’t have to do it alone. Whether through therapy, supportive community, or resources like the Taming Your Triggers workshop, help is available when you’re ready to take the next step.

The chains of trauma that were passed down to you don’t have to be the legacy you leave behind. You have the power to transform pain into wisdom, reactivity into responsiveness, and old wounds into new possibilities for connection. Your children, and their children, will benefit from the courage you show today.

Frequently Asked Questions About Intergenerational Trauma

1. What is intergenerational trauma?

Intergenerational trauma goes beyond direct repetition of traumatic events. It includes the increased risk children have for experiencing consequences of their parents’ trauma, such as mood disorders, behavioral problems, and disrupted attachment. Even when you don’t experience the exact same events that your parents did, effects like altered stress responses, emotional patterns, and relationship difficulties can pass down to you (and potentially to your kids as well).

2. Why do people react so differently to trauma?

People’s reactions depend on the interaction between genetics, epigenetics, and environmental factors. This is called the ‘diathesis-stress model.’ Even siblings in the same family can have very different outcomes because of genetic predisposition, personality differences, and how experiences change which genes are turned on or off. The severity and chronicity of trauma also affect how many people will be impacted.

3. How does trauma affect the brain and memory?

During trauma, the fight-or-flight response floods the body with stress hormones. The limbic system works overtime for safety, but the frontal lobe that helps organize memories and make sense of experiences shuts down. This creates either vivid, intrusive memories or complete memory gaps. When trauma isn’t processed, the survivor never gets to organize these experiences in a coherent way.

4. How does trauma show up in parenting?

Trauma appears through strong emotional reactions to small triggers, children serving as trauma reminders, source attribution errors where parents blame the wrong cause for their emotions, disorganized memories affecting parent-child relationships, difficulty regulating emotions, and unconsciously expecting children to meet needs that weren’t met in the parent’s own childhood, flipping the relationship dynamic.

5. How can parents break the cycle of trauma?

Start by understanding your triggers and the needs behind them. Process your story in safe environments, avoiding both complete silence and constant rehashing. Take conscious breaths when triggered to help your thinking brain come back online. Keep focus on your child’s actual needs rather than trying to rewrite your own childhood through parenting decisions.

6. When should parents seek professional support?

Consider therapy when intense reactions happen frequently, when you’re “seeing red” over small things, or when your child starts walking on eggshells around your emotions. Professional guidance is especially valuable when revisiting people or places connected to trauma. Changes in your child’s mood, persistent conflicts, or your own experiences of depression and anxiety are worth addressing.

7. How should parents share their trauma story with children?

Be thoughtful about developmental appropriateness and let your child’s questions guide how much you share. Consider what you hope to accomplish, potential benefits and risks, and how sharing might affect family dynamics. The goal is to help them understand their own experiences with you, without burdening them with adult emotional work.

References

Babcock Fenerci, R. L., Chu, A. T., & DePrince, A. P. (2016). Intergenerational Transmission of Trauma-Related Distress: Maternal Betrayal Trauma, Parenting Attitudes, and Behaviors. Journal of Aggression, Maltreatment & Trauma, 25(4), 382–399. https://doi.org/10.1080/10926771.2015.1129655

Bonanno G. A. (2004). Loss, trauma, and human resilience: have we underestimated the human capacity to thrive after extremely aversive events?. The American psychologist, 59(1), 20–28. https://doi.org/10.1037/0003-066X.59.1.20

Briere, J. (2010). A summary of self-trauma model applications for severe trauma: Treating the torture survivor. Center for Victims of Torture. https://healtorture.org/wp-content/uploads/2023/02/A_Summary_of_Self-Trauma_Model_Applications_for_Severe_Trauma_Treating_the_Torture_Survivor.pdf

Dembosky, A. (2025, May 1). Just like my mother: How we inherit our parents’ traits and tragedies. KQED. https://www.kqed.org/news/11616586/just-like-my-mother-how-we-inherit-our-parents-traits-and-tragedies 

Fenerci, R. L. B., & DePrince, A. P. (2018). Intergenerational Transmission of Trauma: Maternal Trauma-Related Cognitions and Toddler Symptoms. Child maltreatment, 23(2), 126–136. https://doi.org/10.1177/1077559517737376

Fonagy, P., Steele, M., Steele, H., Higgitt, A., & Target, M. (1994). The Emanuel Miller Memorial Lecture 1992. The theory and practice of resilience. Journal of child psychology and psychiatry, and allied disciplines, 35(2), 231–257. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1469-7610.1994.tb01160.x

Fraiberg, S., Adelson, E., & Shapiro, V. (1975). Ghosts in the nursery. A psychoanalytic approach to the problems of impaired infant-mother relationships. Journal of the American Academy of Child Psychiatry, 14(3), 387–421. https://doi.org/10.1016/s0002-7138(09)61442-4

Lumanlan, J. (2024, October 6). Where emotions come from (and why it matters) Part 1. Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/captivate-podcast/emotionspart1/ 

Lumanlan, J (2024, February 2). The Real Reasons You Feel Triggered by Your Child’s Behavior. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/parenting-beyond-power/202402/the-real-reasons-you-feel-triggered-by-your-childs-behavior 

Lumanlan, J. (2024, January 28). How to Heal from Adverse Childhood Experiences with Dr. Nadine Burke Harris and Jackie Thu-Huong Wong. Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/captivate-podcast/aces/ 

Lumanlan, J. (2023, October 8). Regulating for the kids…and for your marriage. Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/captivate-podcast/foryourmarriage/ 

Lumanlan, J. (2023, October 1). You don’t have to believe everything you think. Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/captivate-podcast/thoughts/ 

Lumanlan, J. (2022, February 20). Why are you always so angry?. Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/captivate-podcast/iris/ 

Lumanlan, J. (2021, July 25). The Body Keeps The Score with Dr. Bessel van der Kolk. Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/captivate-podcast/thebodykeepsthescore/ 

Lumanlan, J. (2021, February 21). Introduction to mindfulness and meditation with Diana Winston. Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/captivate-podcast/mindfulness/ 

Lumanlan, J. (2020, October 18). Self-Compassion for Parents. Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/captivate-podcast/selfcompassion/ 

Lumanlan, J. (2018, July 22). Reducing the impact of intergenerational trauma. Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/captivate-podcast/intergenerationaltrauma/ 

Lumanlan, J. (2018, May 7). How family storytelling can help you to develop closer relationships and overcome struggles. Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/captivate-podcast/familystorytelling/ 

Lumanlan, J. (n.d.-a). Identifying your child’s wants quiz. Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/quiz 

Lumanlan, J. (n.d.-b). Needs list. Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/needs/

Lyons-Ruth, K., & Block, D. (1996). The disturbed caregiving system: Relations among childhood trauma, maternal caregiving, and infant affect and attachment. Infant Mental Health Journal, 17(3), 257–275. https://doi.org/10.1002/(SICI)1097-0355(199623)17:3<257::AID-IMHJ5>3.0.CO;2-L 

Main, M., Kaplan, N., & Cassidy, J. (1985). Security in infancy, childhood, and adulthood: A move to the level of representation. Monographs of the Society for Research in Child Development, 50(1-2), 66–104. https://doi.org/10.2307/3333827

McEwen B. S. (2007). Physiology and neurobiology of stress and adaptation: central role of the brain. Physiological reviews, 87(3), 873–904. https://doi.org/10.1152/physrev.00041.2006

Minuchin, S. (1974). Families & family therapy. Harvard U. Press.

Monroe, S. M., & Simons, A. D. (1991). Diathesis-stress theories in the context of life stress research: implications for the depressive disorders. Psychological bulletin, 110(3), 406–425. https://doi.org/10.1037/0033-2909.110.3.406

Morelen, D., Shaffer, A., & Suveg, C. (2016). Maternal emotion regulation: Links to emotion parenting and child emotion regulation. Journal of Family Issues, 37(13), 1891–1916. https://doi.org/10.1177/0192513X14546720

Nagata, D. K. (1991). Transgenerational impact of the Japanese-American internment: Clinical issues in working with children of former internees. Psychotherapy: Theory, Research, Practice, Training, 28(1), 121–128. https://doi.org/10.1037/0033-3204.28.1.121

Schauer, M., Neuner, F., & Elbert, T. (2011). Narrative exposure therapy: A short-term treatment for traumatic stress disorders (2nd rev. and expanded ed.). Hogrefe Publishing.

Schechter, D. S., & Willheim, E. (2009). Disturbances of attachment and parental psychopathology in early childhood. Child and adolescent psychiatric clinics of North America, 18(3), 665–686. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.chc.2009.03.001

Willcott-Benoit, W., & Cummings, J. A. (2024). Vicarious Growth, Traumatization, and Event Centrality in Loved Ones Indirectly Exposed to Interpersonal Trauma: A Scoping Review. Trauma, violence & abuse, 25(5), 3643–3661. https://doi.org/10.1177/15248380241255736

Yehuda, R., & Lehrner, A. (2018). Intergenerational transmission of trauma effects: putative role of epigenetic mechanisms. World psychiatry : official journal of the World Psychiatric Association (WPA), 17(3), 243–257. https://doi.org/10.1002/wps.20568

Yehuda, R., Daskalakis, N. P., Lehrner, A., Desarnaud, F., Bader, H. N., Makotkine, I., Flory, J. D., Bierer, L. M., & Meaney, M. J. (2014). Influences of maternal and paternal PTSD on epigenetic regulation of the glucocorticoid receptor gene in Holocaust survivor offspring. The American journal of psychiatry, 171(8), 872–880. https://doi.org/10.1176/appi.ajp.2014.13121571

Finding this useful? Share with a friend!

1. AI tools in education offer personalized learning and efficiency benefits, but risk reducing critical thinking when students rely on instant answers.
2. Over-reliance on AI may hinder creativity, problem-solving skills, and independent thinking as students become consumers rather than creators of ideas.
3. Future success requires four skill categories: cognitive, interpersonal, self-leadership, and digital literacy.
4. Parents can prepare kids by nurturing curiosity, practicing metacognition, and creating open-ended projects that encourage experimentation and iteration.
5. Human skills like emotional awareness, ethical reasoning, and collaborative problem-solving become more valuable as AI handles routine tasks.
6. The best preparation for future success focuses on low-tech approaches: following children’s interests, having conversations, and trusting their intrinsic learning abilities.

We’re living in what many are calling the age of AI, and it’s moving faster than most of us expected. Just as our parents couldn’t imagine social media when they were young, we’re watching our world transform in ways we never anticipated.

Companies are already using AI to screen job applications and help call center employees respond to customers. Students are using it for research and homework, and parents even use it to get answers to parenting questions.  (Just be careful to check its answers against your own values – I’ve found it pretty hard to ‘break’ it of the habit of recommending rewards and punishments!)

If you have kids under 10, they’re going to need a different set of skills to thrive in a world where technology is becoming ever more embedded in our daily lives. Even if the basic idea of working for pay doesn’t change completely by the time they’re adults, the landscape they’ll be working in certainly will.

So how do we prepare our children for this AI-integrated future while making sure they don’t lose the uniquely human skills that will matter even more in the years ahead?

How Is AI Affecting Our World and Our Kids

The speed of AI’s expansion caught many of us off guard. While tech companies have been working on artificial intelligence for decades, the public release of ChatGPT-3 in November 2022 marked a turning point. 

Suddenly, everyday people could interact with AI using natural language. They could ask it to refine answers and get responses that pulled information from multiple sources rather than just providing a list of websites to visit.

For our children, this integration is happening in ways that are totally different from what we experienced. Voice helpers like Alexa and Siri answer toddlers’ questions about dinosaurs or play their favorite songs. YouTube’s computer brain learns what gets a three-year-old excited and shows them more videos just like it. 

Smart toys can understand what kids say and change how they respond based on how old the child is. Now AI companions offer something even more appealing: relationships without the messiness, unpredictability, and occasional hurt feelings that help children develop social skills.

These early experiences with AI aren’t big or obvious. A four-year-old asking Alexa to play “Baby Shark” for the hundredth time isn’t thinking about computers being smart. They’re just talking to something that always responds when they speak. But these simple talks are teaching kids that technology can understand them, talk back to them, and even guess what they want.

This creates a fundamental shift in how children relate to technology. While we had to learn to work around technology as it became available, our children are growing up right alongside AI systems that are learning to work around them. They’re developing expectations that technology will be intuitive, responsive, and personalized.

For parents, this creates a unique challenge. We’re trying to prepare our children for a world that’s changing so rapidly that we can’t fully predict what it will look like by the time they’re adults. The skills that served us well in our careers may not be the ones our children need most.

When the world our children are growing up in is fundamentally different from the one we knew as kids, our parenting approaches must also evolve accordingly.

The Impact of Artificial Intelligence on Education

Artificial intelligence is changing how students learn, how teachers teach, and how schools work. As AI tools that adapt to each student’s learning pace and identify struggling students early come into classrooms, teachers’ roles are evolving from information delivery to individualized coaching.

How is AI being integrated into schools?

AI is already part of many areas of education. There are learning programs that change to fit each student’s needs. Computer tools grade papers so teachers don’t have to spend hours doing it. In colleges, AI helps make class schedules, chatbots answer student questions, and computer programs can spot students who might need extra help before they fall behind.

Schools are beginning to experiment with tools like:

• AI-powered tutoring assistants (e.g., chatbots available 24/7)
• Automatic essay grading platforms
• Speech-to-text and translation tools for neurodivergent learners

These systems can help streamline administrative work and allow teachers to focus more on human connection, mentorship, and guidance.

What are the benefits of AI in education?

AI offers several advantages across teaching and learning:

• Personalized learning: AI tailors content to each student’s pace, strengths, and needs. This is difficult to do in large classrooms with lots of kids.
• Accessibility and equity: Students with disabilities or language barriers can access learning in more flexible ways (although AI tools can also exacerbate inequality in other ways, discussed below)
• Real-time feedback: Students can find out right away how they’re doing, while teachers can step in earlier to help.
• Efficient workflows: Teachers and administrators can automate grading, attendance, and lesson planning. This frees up time for relationship-building and classroom innovation.

Does AI have a positive impact on education?

When used thoughtfully, AI has the potential to improve educational outcomes. It can foster deeper engagement, close learning gaps, and offer support that would be difficult to achieve with human resources at current funding levels.

But, experts in both K–12 and higher education say that people need to monitor how AI is used. AI should be used as a tool, not to replace teachers. It should make teachers’ jobs stronger, not get rid of them.

Negative Effects of Artificial Intelligence in Education

While AI in education sounds great, there are some downsides too. Using more computer tools makes people worry about keeping student information safe. There’s also concern that kids might lose important skills like critical thinking and emotional intelligence. As schools use more AI systems, we need to ask not just what AI can do, but what it might accidentally take away from learning.

How does AI negatively affect critical thinking skills?

AI affects critical thinking when these tools can do the mental work that builds strong thinking abilities. When students can ask AI for answers instead of working through problems themselves, they miss important chances to learn logical reasoning and how to solve problems step by step.

Think about what happens when a child gets stuck on a math problem. Usually, they might try different ways to solve it, make mistakes, and slowly figure out the answer. This process builds strength and teaches them to break big problems into smaller pieces they can handle. But when AI can give the answer right away, why work through that learning process?

Research from McKinsey Global Institute shows that logical reasoning is one of the most important skills for future success. This means being able to make logical conclusions based on facts and find the strong and weak parts of arguments. But if students get used to having AI put information together for them, they may never learn how to think critically about sources, spot unfairness, or build their own well-thought-out arguments.

What are the disadvantages of AI in academic performance?

The negative effects of artificial intelligence in education extend beyond individual assignments. When students rely on AI for writing, research, and problem-solving, they’re basically letting it do the cognitive work that builds academic competence.

There are students who can make great essays with AI help but have trouble sharing their own ideas clearly when talking. They’ve learned how to ask AI the right questions, but they haven’t built their own voice or learned to think through big ideas by themselves. This can give them the idea that they’re more skilled than they really are, and it doesn’t help them in real life when they need to think quickly.

What is the negative impact of artificial intelligence on learning?

Perhaps most concerning is how AI may hinder the development of creativity and original thinking. When students can generate ideas, essays, and even art with AI prompts, they may never learn to sit with uncertainty, explore multiple possibilities, or develop their own creative voice.

Real creativity often emerges from constraints and challenges. When my daughter Carys spent days at Tynkertopia iterating on her bottle cap tree design, she was developing creative problem-solving skills that can’t be replicated by asking AI for craft ideas. 

She had to work within the limitations of available materials, experiment with different approaches, and learn from failures. This kind of hands-on, trial-and-error learning builds both creativity and resilience.

AI’s ability to provide instant solutions can short-circuit this essential learning process. Students may become consumers of AI-generated content rather than creators of their own ideas.

The business-centric dangers of AI in education

When we look at how some companies think about AI and human growth, we see worrying patterns. McKinsey’s research, while big and detailed, shows a business-focused view that we need to fight against in education. When they say adaptability means being able to “easily adapt to new situations or ways of working, even when new skills are required,” they’re basically saying people should be able to change however companies want them to.

This reminds me of a member in our community whose boss was shocked when she said people shouldn’t have to work during painful menstrual periods. He saw her body as “a resource to be used for work” instead of seeing her as a human being. In the same way, AI-driven education risks treating children as future workers to be made better rather than whole human beings to be cared for.

When educational AI systems prioritize efficiency and measurable outcomes over deep learning and personal growth, we risk creating a generation that’s skilled at following AI prompts but struggles with independent thought, emotional intelligence, and creative problem-solving.

Inequality and access issues

AI in education also threatens to widen existing inequalities. Students who can use AI tools and learn digital skills will have big advantages over those who can’t. This creates a new kind of school inequality where doing well depends not just on normal resources but on having AI access and skills. 

This gap is already causing brain drains, with top students leaving countries with limited computing power for places like the United States or Europe where they can access better AI resources.

There’s also a very real concern about data privacy. Educational AI systems collect lots of data about how children learn, what they have trouble with, and even how they feel. As people talking about safe AI have said, this information can be misused.

Over-reliance and lost skills

Perhaps most troubling is the risk of over-reliance on AI tools. When students become dependent on artificial intelligence for basic cognitive tasks, they may lose essential human capabilities that no amount of technological sophistication can replace.

We need to remember that the goal of education isn’t to produce efficient AI prompt writers, but to develop thoughtful, creative, empathetic human beings who can think for themselves and contribute meaningfully to society. If we let AI handle too much of the learning process, we risk raising kids who are good with technology but need help thinking on their own.

Given these concerns about how AI might impact learning, we need to think carefully about what skills our children will actually need to thrive in an AI-integrated world. 

While there’s no crystal ball for predicting the future, recent research offers some guidance. McKinsey’s comprehensive study of future workforce skills identifies 56 specific capabilities that will become increasingly important as AI handles more routine tasks. 

These aren’t just technical skills. They span everything from digital literacy to entrepreneurship. Understanding this framework can help us make more intentional choices about what to prioritize in our children’s development, even as we remain mindful that our goal isn’t to optimize our kids for workplace efficiency, but to nurture their full humanity.

What Skills Are Needed in the AI Era

McKinsey’s research identifies four main categories of skills that will be crucial for the future workforce. They call these 56 individual skills “DELTAs”. They’re a combination of distinct elements like talents, attitudes, and skills. The four categories are:

1. Cognitive – thinking and processing skills
2. Interpersonal – working with others
3. Self-leadership – managing yourself and your goals
4. Digital – navigating technology

Before diving in, it’s important to remember that not every child needs every single one of these 56 skills. Neurodivergent children especially might excel in some areas while struggling in others. Instead of focusing on weaknesses to bring them up to some minimum standard, we’re often better served helping children develop their natural strengths.

Skills needed in the AI era #1: Cognitive skills

Communication

Communication skills include active listening. This means being present and remembering what people say. It also means understanding why people do things. If we think about why people do things as needed, this connects to the work many of us do. We try to understand our own needs and find ways that meet everyone’s needs.

Other communication skills include asking good questions, telling stories, public speaking, and putting together lots of information. AI tools are getting better at putting information together. But people still do better at understanding context and small details.

Critical thinking

Critical thinking starts with logical reasoning. This means making conclusions based on facts. It also means finding the strong and weak parts of arguments. It includes understanding our own biases. The report says we should make sure biases don’t hurt our thinking, but I think understanding we have biases is more realistic and important. We need to make sure our inevitable biases match our values.

Structured problem-solving rounds out this category. This means breaking down complex problems like climate change into simpler parts. But having knowledge isn’t enough by itself. We also need communication skills, entrepreneurship abilities, and understanding of how organizations work.

One thing I notice about this list is how it focuses on logical, rational thinking. This is a very traditionally masculine way of seeing the world. Energy and passion show up later in business skills. But there’s little room for gut feelings, caring for others, or understanding right and wrong. Not every plan we come up with through logical reasoning is one we should use.

Mental flexibility

This category includes straightforward skills like learning ability, adaptability, and creativity. But I want to highlight the willingness to learn, not just the ability. Having the skill to learn something new doesn’t matter if the motivation is missing.

The adaptability skill description concerns me a bit. It talks about easily adapting “even when new skills are required”. This sounds like a business telling employees their skills are no longer needed, and they must learn new ones to stay valuable. This removes the idea of humanity from work relationships.

One skill that’s really important is moving knowledge from one place to another. I saw this recently when my daughter Carys moved knowledge from one video game to another. She remembered that fishing generated lots of points in the game Stardew Valley. When she started playing Sneaky Sasquatch, she used fishing to quickly get more points and buy a scuba diving kit. This transfer of learning helps children face new challenges without starting from scratch each time.

Planning and ways of working

Agile thinking means working iteratively and testing ideas to create solutions. This is hard to do in school because there’s usually one right answer that the teacher already knows. But we can value experimentation outside school.

I saw this in action when we visited Tynkertopia in Flagstaff, Arizona. It’s a converted house where each room has different creative supplies and tools. Carys spent time in the craft room making tree structures out of bottle caps and sticks. Over several visits, she iterated on her design. First she made a simple version, then a stronger one with plastic leaves, then focused on detailed bird’s nests. She was following her own creative ideas and learning to improve through trial and error.

Time management and work planning are other skills in this category. At Tynkertopia, I usually set a two-hour limit for our visits. So Carys had to plan her time and choose what she wanted to make first. For big projects that took multiple sessions, she learned to identify what needed to be done first and what could wait.

People with ADHD might struggle with some of these planning skills. We should support them in developing the skills they need for their own goals (rather than goals we choose for them). We also need to learn from the ADHD community about non-traditional ways of succeeding. For example, instead of making lists, some people with ADHD create schedules of repeated tasks. They use sensory, emotional, and spatial cues to remember next steps rather than looking at the next item on a list.

Skills needed in the AI era #2: Interpersonal skills

Mobilizing systems

This category starts with crafting inspiring visions. This means bringing to life an idealized future that inspires others. I see Carys doing this on a small scale at her not-school program. She regularly has eight kids following her around the farm pretending to be turkeys. 

But not every child wants to be a leader. The world needs supporters and behind-the-scenes people too.

Organizational awareness means understanding both formal and informal procedures and politics. This was always challenging for me in consulting. I could handle the formal rules but struggled with the back-channel communications. We can help children notice not just official rules but informal ones. For example, how long to wait after texting about a playdate before calling to follow up.

Win-win negotiation appears in this category. We can reframe this as finding strategies that meet everyone’s needs. McKinsey actually phrases this well in another section. They say we should “consider the needs of other human beings to be as important as our own,” which is the foundation of all of my work.

Developing relationships

Empathy, humility, and sociability make up this group. I want to connect empathy with digital ethics from the digital category because I think we have work to do here. Empathy means understanding others’ feelings. Digital ethics involves understanding that digital interactions have ethical impacts like privacy concerns and algorithm bias.

McKinsey found that digital ethics had the lowest correlation with education. People with many years of school have about the same level of digital ethics as people with no education. 

Middle schoolers in Pennsylvania impersonated their teachers on TikTok by posting disparaging and offensive videos. When caught, they posted an “apology”. They claimed it was just a joke and that teachers blew things out of proportion. These students showed no understanding of how their actions affected others. They actually made themselves the victims. The biggest failure here is in the children’s ability to see others’ needs as important as their own.

And middle schoolers are hardly alone; high school students have shared racist harassments, and and college students at the University of Georgia created and shared a video mocking slavery and using racial slurs, showing several people laughing as they repeated offensive phrases. 

What McKinsey calls a ‘sociability’ skill bothers me because it assumes a neurotypical disposition. It assumes people should mask their neurodivergence to appear “friendly and sociable”. I’d rather focus on accepting people as they are, whether or not they fit traditional definitions of sociable behavior.

Teamwork effectiveness

This includes empowering others (which seems like delegation), motivating different personalities, resolving conflict, and fostering inclusiveness. I don’t think we need a separate skill for motivating different personalities if we already understand people’s needs. Needs are what motivate action.

The conflict resolution skill is valuable because it recognizes that disagreement is normal. We get into trouble when we assume disagreement means something’s wrong. We think it must be fixed immediately. Many of us didn’t learn healthy disagreement in our families. So, learning to see the different needs underneath conflict becomes crucial.

The inclusiveness skill definition seems to stop at giving everyone a voice. It doesn’t center historically marginalized perspectives. It’s like the difference between giving everyone the same box to stand on versus giving people the support they actually need to succeed.

Skills needed in the AI era #3: Self-leadership skills

Self-awareness and self-management

This category includes integrity, self-confidence, self-control, self-motivation, understanding emotions, and knowing your strengths. I find it slightly ironic that McKinsey emphasizes integrity given some of their past ethical challenges. But the pairing of integrity with self-confidence is important. Confidence without integrity leads to ethical failures.

The self-control skill defines ideal performance as never letting emotions interfere with work performance. This continues the theme of preferring rational approaches over emotional ones. But sometimes an emotional response is wholly appropriate. Imagine a manager discovering their company is engaging in corrupt behavior. An emotional response might be exactly what’s needed.

Even in normal situations, there should be some space for us to exist as emotional beings at work. We should be able to acknowledge when we’re having a hard day or feeling frustrated. We just need to own those feelings and work toward understanding everyone’s needs.

Understanding your own strengths is really important. Schools often focus on weaknesses rather than developing unique talents. At home, you’re not constrained by curriculum or what other children are learning. 

Goals achievement

This category includes achievement orientation, coping with uncertainty, grit, ownership, and self-development.

When someone works on a self-chosen goal, they automatically feel ownership. When they’ve practiced making decisions about pursuing their goals, they develop confidence in their decision-making abilities. This is why children learn so much more about topics that interest them (and why they learn skills like planning, follow-through, and confidence much more easily when they do it through their own business, rather than when we try to teach them!)

Self-development means reflecting on performance and seeking feedback to improve continuously. When a child gets an assignment back two weeks later with a grade and brief comment, they learn little about what they did well or could improve because they can barely remember what they submitted.

The grit skill gives me pause. It’s often used to justify not addressing structural conditions that make life harder for some children. If we tell struggling students that grit and growth mindset are the answer, we’re making their challenges their responsibility to overcome. But really, it should be our responsibility to create a world that they don’t need as much grit to live in.

Entrepreneurship

This category includes breaking orthodoxies, courage, risk-taking, driving change, and having energy and passion. Neurodivergent people, especially those with ADHD, often have these skills in abundance! A 2021 study found that 29% of entrepreneurs had ADHD symptoms in childhood. This is compared to a general population rate of 2.5-6.7%.

The traits that make neurodivergent people successful entrepreneurs aren’t usually valued in childhood. Things like breaking orthodoxies and taking risks often get kids in trouble. Parents might try to redirect these qualities by saying things like “you’ll be a lawyer because you love arguing.” We often try to get children to stop moving their bodies so much. We miss chances to meet their need for physical movement while showing them they’re loved for who they truly are.

When we see and meet these needs, children can learn to embrace their neurodivergence and the benefits it brings, along with the challenges. 

Skills needed in the AI era #4: Digital skills

Digital fluency & citizenship

This category includes digital learning and research literacy, evaluating online sources, and digital collaboration. Digital literacy goes far beyond simply being able to navigate the internet. The real skill lies in developing valid knowledge from the vast sea of digital information available to us.

Many parents rush to answer their child’s questions by cueing up YouTube playlists or doing quick Google searches. But this approach misses the most important part of digital learning. The facts your child learns about salamanders or fire trucks or how the universe was created matters much less than how they learn to find and evaluate that information.

Let’s say you’re trying to identify a salamander with your child. This becomes a perfect opportunity to develop critical thinking skills. What words should you put into a search engine? If you just type “brown salamander,” do you get anything useful? If all your results come from the East Coast and you’re in California, perhaps you should specify your location too.

Once you get some results, how can you trust them? Can you tell whether a site is trying to sell you something? Do you trust sites with a .edu domain more than a .com site? If you find a video, does it make a difference if the thumbnail shows a cartoon or a person in a suit?

All of these conversations are more important than the actual answer to their question. They form a habit of how we approach learning that will stick with our child far longer than any specific facts. As AI models get more sophisticated, the ability to critically evaluate sources will become even more essential.  These are the kinds of issues we support you in understanding and navigating in the You Are Your Child’s Best Teacher workshop.

Understanding digital systems

This category includes cybersecurity literacy, data literacy, and smart systems. Cybersecurity literacy is critically important even for our youngest kids. If they’re playing online, they are probably our family’s weakest cybersecurity link. If anyone’s going to give out their name, address, and birthday, it will probably be our child.

Smart systems involve using smart devices to improve daily efficiency. But, I would add understanding the privacy trade-offs involved. Maybe having every entry to our home recorded is an acceptable price for a security system. But, having every conversation recorded might not be acceptable just to order groceries by speaking.

Software use & development

This category includes algorithmic thinking and programming literacy. We might think that because there’s a skill called Programming Literacy, we should sign our child up for coding camp immediately. But software developer Joe Morgan wrote a beautiful piece called “I’m a developer, I won’t teach my kids to code and neither should you.”

He observed that coding books for kids present coding as problems with correct solutions. But that’s not how programming works. Programming is messy. Programming is a mix of creativity and determination. Most children won’t actually go on to code in their careers (and most of the ones who do will probably use AI to do it!). Even if they do decide to be programmers, they can learn the syntax pretty easily if it’s a self-chosen goal.

But an understanding of quality and creativity are much more important skills than knowing how to code. Joe Morgan noticed this as his son observed their family making sugar cookies. His son watched the texture and color of the mixture after each ingredient, whether it was mixed evenly, and how to roll the dough thinly. They weren’t just executing steps. They were teaching the child about quality, which can only be passed on through physical experience.

In school, everything worth learning is learned by your brain through your eyes or ears. In the real world, children learn with their bodies. Joe Morgan’s son learned by closely observing the cookie dough using multiple senses. It’s through looking, listening to different sounds as ingredients mix, smelling the vanilla, touching the dough, and tasting the end product. Baking cookies is a whole body experience.

5 Ways to Build Skills AI Can’t Replace

With AI capabilities increasing rapidly, our kids need a different set of skills than what traditional education typically provides. But here’s what many parents don’t realize: you don’t need to sign your child up for coding camps or buy expensive gadgets to teach them specific skills. The most important preparation happens through everyday interactions at home.

Click here to download the 5 Ways to Build Skills AI Can’t Replace

How to build skills AI can’t replace #1: Start with mindsets, not modules

The most important thing you can do for your child’s future is to nurture their inherent curiosity. By doing this, you’ll also support them in learning how to learn, and in maintaining the motivation to do it.

Emphasize interest-led learning

Children don’t need more test prep. They need thinking tools, not just content. Following a child’s curiosity leads to deeper, more durable learning than any curriculum ever could. The willingness to learn matters more than the ability to learn. That willingness grows when children feel ownership over their discoveries.

Practice metacognition daily

Metacognition means thinking about thinking. It’s one of the most powerful learning tools your child can develop. This isn’t just about making a plan before starting an activity (although that’s part of it). Help your child analyze tasks, develop expectations for outcomes, determine their interest level, and estimate how effective they’ll be. Teach them to decide which projects deserve 100% of their focus and which can get by with less effort. This is actually a smart way to use energy.

Master the art of scaffolding 

Pay close attention as your child works on tasks. When they give their sign that they’re working hard (e.g. pursed lips), sit forward but don’t say anything. Look out for their next sign that they don’t think they can do it (maybe they look up at you and seem tired or overwhelmed), offer a few words or guide their hands briefly. 

As soon as they’ve got it, back off so they maintain ownership of the project. The key is to provide just enough support to help them without taking over the project.

How to build skills AI can’t replace #2: Create real-world learning opportunities

The future will need people who can adapt, iterate, and transfer learning across contexts. You can build these skills through everyday activities that feel like play.

Embrace open-ended projects

Set up spaces in your home where children can create, experiment, and iterate. This might be a craft corner, or a container to hold things they’re taking apart and putting back together.  We’re giving children time and materials to follow their own creative ideas. Letting children lead their own learning is also helpful when they complain of boredom.

Practice project planning together

When your child wants to build a fort, bake cookies, or organize their room, use it as a chance to practice planning skills. What should happen first? What materials do we need? What will happen if we run out of something – do we have a backup plan?  Do we have time to do this today? How will we know when we’re done? This kind of thinking can’t be taught through worksheets. It has to be practiced in meaningful contexts.

Highlight the learning process

Point out when they try something new, adapt their approach, or solve a problem creatively. “I noticed you tried three different ways to balance those blocks. That’s exactly what engineers do!”

How to build skills AI can’t replace #3: Build connection-centered tech skills

Technology should support relationships and curiosity, not replace them. We’re trying to help children develop a healthy relationship with technology that serves their learning and growth.

Model intentional tech use

Instead of reflexively reaching for your phone to answer every question, pause and think together first. “I wonder what kind of animal that is. What do you notice about it that might help us search?” They quickly learn through trial and error that typing “salamander” into a search engine isn’t going to help them identify the one in front of them.  Typing “California orange salamander” gets you to a likely identification.

This approach teaches children to observe, hypothesize, and then use technology as a tool for confirmation. It’s not a replacement for thinking.

Practice privacy protection as a family value

Have age-appropriate conversations about what information is safe to share online and why. Help them recognize sites that might be trying to steal information and assess whether downloads can be trusted.  Make sure they know not to share information about how they’re feeling with AI tools.  We want to help kids develop good judgment around these decisions.

How to build skills AI can’t replace #4: Focus on human skills that AI can’t match

While AI gets better at processing information, humans excel at understanding context, building relationships, and making ethical decisions.

Encourage collaborative problem-solving

Instead of solving problems for your child, ask them to think through solutions with you. “The playdate got canceled and you’re feeling disappointed. I’m also feeling frustrated because I rearranged my schedule for this. What are some things we could do that might help both of us feel better and make good use of our afternoon together?”

Make ethics conversations normal

When you see examples of people being kind or unkind online, in the news, or in your community, talk about them. “What do you think about how those kids treated their teacher? How do you think the teacher felt?” These conversations build moral reasoning that will guide your child’s choices throughout their life.

Practice emotional awareness together

Help your child understand that emotions give valuable information about unmet needs. They’re not something to control or push down. Practice naming emotions when they come up. Explore what needs might be underneath them. Teaching children emotional awareness means helping them understand what they’re feeling, why, and what to do with it.

How to build skills AI can’t replace #5: Reframe “failure” as learning

The ability to adapt, iterate, and learn from mistakes will be more valuable than any specific skill or knowledge base.

Celebrate experiments that don’t work

When your child’s tower falls down, their recipe doesn’t taste right, or their plan doesn’t work out, focus on what they learned rather than what went wrong. Instead of saying “Good job trying!” or “That’s okay, you’ll do better next time”, try supportive questions like “What do you think would happen if we tried it this way?” 

This approach helps children develop problem-solving skills while feeling genuinely supported.

Share your own learning process

Let your child see you struggling with new technology. Try different ways to solve problems together. “I’m having trouble with this app. Want to figure it out together?”

Value questions over answers

When your child asks “Why do birds fly south?” or “How do computers work?” resist the urge to immediately provide the answer. Instead, wonder together: “What do you think might be the reason? How could we find out?”

The future doesn’t need more children who can code. It needs more children who can think critically, adapt to change, work collaboratively, and maintain their humanity in an increasingly digital world. And the beautiful thing is, you can start building these skills today. You just need your curiosity, your attention, and your willingness to learn alongside your child.

Want to go deeper? Join the Learning Membership

Preparing your kids for the future of AI is about developing the skills that will truly matter: critical thinking, communication, collaboration, creative innovation, and confidence.

The Learning Membership helps you nurture these essential skills by following your child’s natural curiosity. Instead of fighting to drag them through lessons they don’t care about, you’ll learn to identify what truly interests them and use that as a springboard for deep learning.

In the membership, you’ll discover how to:

• Find your child’s true interests (not just the random ones they announce when you ask)
• Identify the theories your child is building about how the world works and use these to guide their learning
• Become a facilitator who connects your child with the resources they need to answer their own questions
• Document your child’s learning so you can see their growth over time
• Help your child ask deeper questions that expand their understanding
• Support your child in solving problems that have real meaning to real people

Here’s what Parent Iris shared about being part of the Learning Membership:

“Being an immigrant in the country I live now, I don’t have the wide network of support that I did in my home country – and I know I can’t do this on my own. Through the membership, I’ve slowly let go of my own agenda, follow my child’s interest and give her the space and time for her own learning discovery. I feel confident that she will learn in her own time, in her own pace.”

When you follow your child’s interests, you don’t have to drag them through learning. They will want to learn.

Ready to help your child develop the skills they’ll really need for the future? 

Click the banner to learn more.

Final Thoughts

The future we’re preparing our children for isn’t some distant, unknowable thing. It’s shaped the choices we make today:

• how we respond to their questions
• what we prioritize in our homes
• whether we trust them to be active participants in their own learning.

The research tells us that success in the AI era won’t come from mastering the latest app or memorizing coding syntax. It will come from the very human skills that emerge when children feel seen, valued, and trusted to explore their world.

The beautiful irony is that preparing our children for a high-tech future requires us to focus on the most low-tech approaches: paying attention, having conversations, creating time and space for real experiences, and trusting that children are naturally wired to learn.

You don’t need to become an AI expert. You don’t need to overhaul your entire family life. You just need to start where you are, with what you have, following your child’s lead. 

The future they’re heading into will be different from the world we knew. But, the path forward is the same one humans have always taken: staying curious, supporting each other, and never losing sight of what makes us human.

The question isn’t whether our children will be ready for the future. It’s whether we’ll be brave enough to let them help create it.

Frequently Asked Questions About Artificial Intelligence

1. How is AI affecting our world and kids?

AI is transforming daily life faster than expected. Children today interact with voice assistants, AI-powered videos, and smart toys that respond to their age and interests. This creates a fundamental shift where kids expect technology to understand and adapt to them, unlike previous generations who had to learn to work around technology.

2.How is AI used in early childhood?

Young children interact with AI through voice assistants answering questions, YouTube algorithms selecting videos based on preferences, and smart toys that adapt responses to the child’s age. These early experiences shape expectations that technology should be intuitive, responsive, and personalized to their needs.

3. What is the impact of artificial intelligence on education?

AI offers personalized learning, real-time feedback, and efficient grading systems that help teachers focus on relationships and mentorship. However, it also risks reducing critical thinking skills when students rely on instant answers instead of working through problems themselves, potentially creating superficial learning without deep understanding.

4. How does AI negatively affect critical thinking skills?

When students can ask AI for immediate answers, they miss opportunities to develop logical reasoning and problem-solving abilities. Instead of working through challenges step-by-step, making mistakes, and building mental strength, children may become dependent on AI to do the cognitive work that develops critical thinking skills.

5. What are the disadvantages of AI in academic performance?

Students may develop false confidence in abilities they haven’t truly mastered, like creating essays with AI help while struggling to express their own ideas clearly. This creates a gap between perceived competence and actual skills, leaving students unprepared for real-world situations requiring independent thinking.

6. What skills are needed in the AI era?

Four key categories emerge: cognitive skills (critical thinking, communication, mental flexibility), interpersonal skills (empathy, collaboration, conflict resolution), self-leadership (self-awareness, goal achievement, entrepreneurship), and digital skills (digital literacy, cybersecurity awareness, understanding smart systems). These complement rather than replace AI capabilities.

7. How to prepare your kids for AI?

Focus on nurturing curiosity and metacognition rather than teaching specific tech skills. Create open-ended projects, practice planning together, and emphasize the learning process over outcomes. Model intentional technology use and help children develop critical evaluation skills when researching information online.

8. What skills are needed that AI can’t replace?

Human skills like emotional awareness, ethical reasoning, collaborative problem-solving, and creative innovation remain uniquely valuable. Children need to understand that emotions provide information about needs, practice moral reasoning through real-world examples, and learn to adapt and iterate when facing challenges.

9. Why are people’s skills still important in the age of AI?

While AI excels at processing information, humans excel at understanding context, building relationships, making ethical decisions, and creative problem-solving. The ability to transfer learning across contexts, work collaboratively, and maintain emotional intelligence becomes more valuable as AI handles routine tasks.

10. How to prepare for a future with AI?

Start with everyday interactions at home rather than expensive tech programs. Follow your child’s interests, practice thinking about thinking together, create real-world learning opportunities, and focus on building human connections. The most important preparation happens through curiosity, attention, and trusting children’s natural learning abilities.

Links to products on Amazon are affiliate links, which means I receive a small commission that does not affect the price you pay.

References

Akgun, S., & Greenhow, C. (2022). Artificial intelligence in education: Addressing ethical challenges in K-12 settings. AI and ethics, 2(3), 431–440. https://doi.org/10.1007/s43681-021-00096-7

Amer, Hona. (2016). Learning Leadership: The Five Fundamentals of Becoming an Exemplary Leader. Human Resource Development Quarterly. 33. 10.1002/hrdq.21277. 

Andrews, J. & Walker, Kristen & Netemeyer, Richard & Kees, Jeremy. (2023). EXPRESS: Helping Youth Navigate Privacy Protection: Developing and Testing the Children’s Online Privacy Scale (COPS). Journal of Public Policy & Marketing. 42. 074391562311652. 10.1177/07439156231165250. 

Barsade, S. G., & Gibson, D. E. (2007). Why does affect matter in organizations? The Academy of Management Perspectives, 21(1), 36–59. https://doi.org/10.5465/AMP.2007.24286163

Belliger, A., & Krieger, D. J. (2022). New Directions in Digital Ethics. IKF Research.

Chen, L., Chen, P., & Lin, Z. (2020). Artificial intelligence in education: A review. IEEE Access, 8, 75264–75278. https://doi.org/10.1109/ACCESS.2020.2988510

Cleveland-Stout, N. (2023, February 3). Do McKinsey’s defense contracts clash with foreign clients? Responsible Statecraft. https://responsiblestatecraft.org/2023/02/03/do-mckinseys-defense-contracts-clash-with-foreign-clients/ 

Deci, E. L., & Ryan, R. M. (2000). The “what” and “why” of goal pursuits: Human needs and the self-determination of behavior. Psychological Inquiry, 11(4), 227–268. https://doi.org/10.1207/S15327965PLI1104_01

Dondi, M., Klier, J., Panier, F., & Schubert, J. (2021, June 25). Defining the skills citizens will need in the future world of work. McKinsey & Company. https://www.mckinsey.com/industries/public-sector/our-insights/defining-the-skills-citizens-will-need-in-the-future-world-of-work

Habib, S., Vogel, T., Anli, X., & Thorne, E. (2023, December 6). How does generative artificial intelligence impact student creativity?. Journal of Creativity. https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S2713374523000316   

Eshet-Alkalai, Y. (2004). Digital literacy: A conceptual framework for survival skills in the digital era. Journal of Educational Multimedia and Hypermedia, 13(1), 93–106.

Gerlich, M. (2025). AI tools in society: Impacts on cognitive offloading and the future of critical thinking. Technologies, 13(1), 6. https://doi.org/10.3390/technologies13010006

Holmes, W., Bialik, M., & Fadel, C. (2019). Artificial intelligence in education: Promise and implications for teaching and learning. Center for Curriculum Redesign.

Hwang, G. J., Xie, H., Wah, B. W., & Gašević, D. (2020). Vision, challenges, roles and research issues of artificial intelligence in education. Computers and Education: Artificial Intelligence, 1, 100001.

Interaction Institute for Social Change (2016, January 13). Illustrating equality vs. equity. Author. Retrieved from: https://interactioninstitute.org/illustrating-equality-vs-equity/

Lumanlan, J. (2025, August 4). How to Deal with Kids Always Asking Why. Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/kids-asking-why/ 

Lumanlan, J. (2025, August 3). Why Your 8-12 Year Old Should Start a Business (And How to Support Them Without Taking Over!). Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/captivate-podcast/kids-starting-business 

Lumanlan, J. (2025, July 15). What If Summer Boredom Is Actually Good for Your Child?. Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/summer-boredom/ 

Lumanlan, J. (2025, June 3). How to Teach Emotional Awareness to Children. Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/teach-emotional-awareness-children/ 

Lumanlan, J. (2025, May 12). 55 Ways to Support, Encourage, and Celebrate Your Child Without Praise. Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/55-ways-to-support-encourage-and-celebrate/

Lumanlan, J. (2024, August 4). The skills your child will need in the age of AI. Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/captivate-podcast/ai/ 

Lumanlan, J. (2023, July 16). How to learn way beyond ‘doing well in school’. Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/captivate-podcast/beyondschool/ 

Lumanlan, J. (2023, March 5). I Never Thought of It That Way with Mónica Guzmán and Lulu. Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/captivate-podcast/ineverthoughtofitthatway/ 

Lumanlan, J. (2022, August 26). How grit helps (and how it doesn’t). Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/captivate-podcast/gritrerelease/ 

Lumanlan, J. (2022, August 21). Supporting Neurodivergent Children with Dr. Hanna Bertilsdotter-Rosqvist. Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/captivate-podcast/neurodivergent/ 

Lumanlan, J. (2020, February 23). Patriarchy is perpetuated through parenting (Part 1). Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/captivate-podcast/patriarchy/ 

Lumanlan, J. (2018, April 9). Can Growth Mindset live up to the hype?. Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/captivate-podcast/growthmindset/ 

Lumanlan, J. (2016, September 26). How to “scaffold” children’s learning to help them succeed. Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/captivate-podcast/005-how-to-scaffold-childrens-learning/ 

Lumanlan, J. (2016, September 18). How to encourage creativity and artistic ability in young children – Interview with Dr. Tara Callaghan. Your Parenting Mojo. Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/captivate-podcast/004-how-to-encourage-creativity-and-artistic-ability-in-young-children/ 

Lumanlan, J. (n.d.a). Needs list. Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/needs 

Lumanlan, J. (n.d.b). The Anxious Generation Resources. Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/theanxiousgeneration/ 

Macnamara, B. N., Berber, I., Çavuşoğlu, M. C., Krupinski, E. A., Nallapareddy, N., Nelson, N. E., Smith, P. J., Wilson-Delfosse, A. L., & Ray, S. (2024). Does using artificial intelligence assistance accelerate skill decay and hinder skill development without performers’ awareness?. Cognitive research: principles and implications, 9(1), 46. https://doi.org/10.1186/s41235-024-00572-8

Mascheroni, Giovanna & Ponte, Cristina & Jorge, Ana. (2018). Digital Parenting: the challenges for families in the digital age. 

Milton, Damian. (2012). On the ontological status of autism: The ‘double empathy problem’. Disability & Society – DISABIL SOC. 27. 1-5. 10.1080/09687599.2012.710008. 

Morgan, J. (2018, December 6). I’m a developer. I won’t teach my kids to code, and neither should you. Slate. https://slate.com/human-interest/2018/12/against-teaching-kids-to-code-creativity-problem-solving.html 

Mozur, P., & Satariano, A. (2025, June 21). The Global A.I. Divide. The New York Times. https://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2025/06/23/technology/ai-computing-global-divide.html?unlocked_article_code=1.aU8.GrU2.-A9sSPidsuMI&smid=url-share 

OpenAI. (2022, November 30). ChatGPT Release Notes. https://openai.com/blog/chatgpt

Pew Research Center. (2024, May 15). A quarter of U.S. teachers say AI tools do more harm than good in K-12 education. Pew Research Center. https://www.pewresearch.org/short-reads/2024/05/15/a-quarter-of-u-s-teachers-say-ai-tools-do-more-harm-than-good-in-k-12-education/

Rajah, N., Bamiatzi, V., & Williams, N. (2021). How childhood ADHD-like symptoms predict selection into entrepreneurship and implications on entrepreneurial performance. Journal of Business Venturing, 36(3). https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jbusvent.2021.106091

Riess, R., & Levenson, E. (2019, March 25). A UGA fraternity was suspended over a video mocking slavery that included a racial slur. CNN. https://edition.cnn.com/2019/03/24/us/uga-fraternity-video   

Rivas, S. F., Saiz, C., & Ossa, C. (2022). Metacognitive strategies and development of critical thinking in higher education. Frontiers in Psychology, 13, 913219. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2022.913219 

Shaw, R. (2025, July 11). Ai will never be your kid’s friend. The Atlantic. https://www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2025/07/ai-companion-children-frictionless-friendship/683493/ 

Singer, N. (2024, July 6). Students target teachers in group TikTok attack, shaking their school. The New York Times. Retrieved from: https://www.nytimes.com/2024/07/06/technology/tiktok-fake-teachers-pennsylvania.html

Slater, D. (2023, August 17). The Instagram account that shattered a california high school. The New York Times Magazine. https://www.nytimes.com/2023/08/17/magazine/california-high-school-racist-instagram.html 

Tegmark, M. (2017). Life 3.0: Being Human in the Age of Artificial Intelligence. Alfred A. Knopf.

Lourdu, V. (2025, March). Digital Divide in AI-powered education: Challenges and Solutions for Equitable Learning.  Journal of Information Systems Engineering and Management. 10. 300-308. 10.52783/jisem.v10i21s.3327.  

Willcutt, Erik & Doyle, Alysa & Nigg, Joel & Faraone, Stephen & Pennington, Bruce. (2005). Validity of the Executive Function Theory of Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder: A Meta-Analytic Review. Biological psychiatry. 57. 1336-46. 10.1016/j.biopsych.2005.02.006. 

Zhai, C., Wibowo, S., & Li, L. (2024). The effects of over-reliance on AI dialogue systems on students’ cognitive abilities: A systematic review. Smart Learning Environments, 11, Article 16. https://doi.org/10.1186/s40561-024-00316-7

Finding this useful? Share with a friend!

1. Children ages 3-5 enter the “Why Phase” when they ask endless questions to understand how the world works.
2. Quick Google (or AI) answers teach fact-collecting instead of thinking skills and can actually shut down your child’s curiosity
3. Try responding with: “Hmmm…what do you think?” first to engage their reasoning before providing answers and show you value their thinking.
4. Turn questions into mini investigations by exploring together rather than jumping straight to final answers – or trying to teach a lesson.
5. Let children lead their own learning without forcing teachable moments.
6. Their questions build critical thinking, problem-solving, and communication skills that matter more for future success than content knowledge.
7. The questioning phase develops lifelong learning foundations and intrinsic motivation – it’s something to celebrate!

You’re barely three sips into your coffee when it starts. “Mama, why is the sky so blue today?” Before you can even formulate an answer, the next one comes: “Why are the birds singing so loud? Why can’t I go swimming right now? Why do we have to eat breakfast when it’s already so hot outside? Why does the sun make everything bright?”

By the time you’ve managed to pour cereal into a bowl you’ve fielded seventeen questions, and you still have the looooong summer day stretching ahead of you.

Nearly every parent of a young child has experienced this at some point – that mix of pride in your child’s curiosity and complete overwhelm at the sheer volume of questions coming your way. (The other parents have kids who rarely ask questions, and we have ideas for them, too!)

Summer seems to make it even more intense, with longer days, less structure, and more time for those little minds to wonder about everything they see, hear, and experience.

Here’s what I want you to know: your child isn’t trying to drive you up the wall (even though it might feel that way). They’re not just asking random questions. They’re actively trying to connect the dots in their world.

The challenge isn’t that your child asks too many questions. The challenge is that most of us were never taught how to handle this phase of development in a way that supports both our child’s growth and our own sanity.

The Science Behind All Those Questions

If your child is between the ages of three and five, you’re in what researchers call the “Why Phase“.  While children ask who, what, where, why questions throughout their development, the Why Phase specifically refers to when ‘why’ questions dominate their curiosity. 

Around this age, children begin to understand something pretty remarkable: that people have knowledge, and that this knowledge can be accessed simply by asking questions. Think about how sophisticated that realization actually is. Your child has figured out that you know things they don’t know, and that they can get access to that information just by putting their thoughts into words.

This surge in curiosity happens alongside huge leaps in brain development. Language is exploding – not just vocabulary, but the ability to use words to explore ideas. Logical reasoning is emerging, helping them connect cause and effect. And they’re starting to develop what psychologists call “theory of mind“, basically, they’re figuring out that other people have different thoughts and knowledge than they do.

What’s fascinating is that this learning isn’t happening just in their brains. Research shows that we think with our whole bodies through movement, through our hands as we explore objects, through our environment. When your child picks up a stick and examines it while asking about trees, or jumps up and down while wondering about gravity, they’re not getting distracted from learning. They’re actually enhancing it by engaging their extended mind.

I like to think of it this way: your child has turned into a tiny researcher. They notice something that doesn’t fit with what they already understand, they form a guess about how it might work, and then they test that guess by asking you about it. When you give them an answer, they’re not just filing it away. They’re connecting it to other things they know, seeing where it fits in the bigger picture.

The Hidden Problem: Why “Just Answering” Doesn’t Actually Help

When your child asks “Why is the grass green?” your instinct is probably to pull out your phone and ask Google, Alexa, or ChatGPT. Quick answer delivered: “Because of something called chlorophyll.” Question answered, right? You can move on with your day.

But here’s what research shows us: jumping straight to answers can actually do more harm than good. It teaches children that learning is about collecting facts, not exploring ideas. They learn that questions have quick, simple answers that come from others, not from their own thinking.

Imagine giving a quick Google answer about chlorophyll. Your child says, “Oh, okay,” and moves on. But did they actually learn anything meaningful? Probably not. They didn’t explore what chlorophyll does, why plants differ in color, or how it connects to the sun. What they learned is that questions get answered by devices – and they’ll likely forget what you told them in an hour anyway.

This creates answer-seeking behavior instead of thinking behavior. Kids start to believe every question has one “right” answer out there and their job is to find it fast. Curiosity becomes a finish line, not a doorway to discovery.

Here’s the thing that might surprise you: research shows that by the end of first grade, most kids stop asking the rich, wondering questions they asked as toddlers. Instead, they only ask “Do I have to learn this?” and “How do I do this thing you’re telling me to do?” We’ve accidentally trained them out of their inherent curiosity.

But what if we approached their questions differently? What if, instead of jumping in with an answer, we paused to wonder together? This simple shift changes everything. It often means re-examining our own relationship with learning.

3 More Effective Ways to Respond to Your Child’s Constant Questions

Supporting your child’s endless curiosity doesn’t mean you need to be an expert or create elaborate Pinterest-worthy activities. In fact, the most powerful approaches are surprisingly simple and they work better than traditional ‘teaching’ methods.

Click here to download the 3 Better Ways to Respond to Your Child’s Constant Questions

Responding to your child’s questions #1: Start With “What Do You Think?”

The next time your child asks, “Why is the sky blue?”, pause. Look up at the sky together. And then say something like: “Huh. That’s a great question. What do you think?”

This simple shift is more than just a way to buy yourself a second to think. It tells your child:

• I take your question seriously.
• I believe you’re capable of thinking about this.
• We can explore this together.

This gives your child time to engage their own thinking before being handed an answer. It strengthens their ability to reason, hypothesize, and make connections.

When we respond immediately with facts (or a quick “Alexa, why is the sky blue?”), we accidentally send the message that learning comes from outside themselves and not from within. Over time, that can squash the very curiosity we want to nurture.

Responding to your child’s questions #2: Turn their questions into mini learning investigations

Rather than seeing each question as something to answer and move on from, think of them as launching points for exploration. This doesn’t mean turning everything into a formal lesson. It means following their curiosity one step further.

Here’s what this might look like in real life: When your child asks about why fish live in water, you might say: “I wonder about that too. Do we have any books about fish? Should we see what we can find out?” Or: “What do you think would happen if a fish tried to live on land like we do?”

The key is taking just one step forward, not jumping to the final answer. This is what’s called scaffolding. You provide just enough support to keep your child engaged and learning, but not so much that you take over their thinking process. 

Maybe you look at a book together. Maybe you watch a short video. Maybe you have a conversation while you’re doing dishes. The goal isn’t to become experts on fish biology.  It’s to show your child that their questions are worth exploring.

Responding to your child’s questions #3: Let kids lead without needing to teach a lesson

This might be the hardest shift for many of us, especially if we went to school ourselves and learned that adults ask questions and children provide answers. But when we let children lead their own learning, they stay engaged much longer and go much deeper than we ever could have pushed them.

Instead of becoming the “sage on the stage,” try being the “guide on the side“. Your job isn’t to lecture about everything you know on the topic (which often makes kids’ eyes glaze over). Your job is more like being a helpful travel companion – someone who helps them find resources, asks good questions, and celebrates their discoveries.

This might mean biting your tongue when they’re building something and you can see it won’t work the way they think it will. It might mean letting them spend way more time on something than you think is “productive.” It might mean following their interests into territory you know nothing about, which, by the way, is perfectly fine.

This kind of trust in your child and in yourself doesn’t always come easily, especially if you went through traditional schooling yourself. Many parents find themselves feeling like their job is to rush and provide answers or resources the moment their child shows interest in something. But learning to step back and trust both your child’s own learning process (and your own instincts as a parent) is often the most powerful thing you can do.

Whether your child asks three questions a day or thirty. Whether they’re obsessed with bugs or want to know why people have different skin colors.

The method stays the same:

• Pause.
• Wonder together.
• Take one step forward.
• And let them lead the way.

Why This Phase Matters More Than You Think

I get it. Sometimes it can feel like you’re trapped in an endless loop of questions from your child.

But here’s what I want you to know: those questions aren’t just something to endure until your child grows out of this phase. They’re actually building the exact skills your child will need to thrive in the future.

When your child seems compelled to ask all these questions throughout the day, they’re not just being curious. They’re developing critical thinking skills.

When I looked into what skills will actually matter for our children’s success, I found something surprising. A McKinsey report identified 56 critical skills for the future job market. Want to guess how many had to do with coding or technology?

Eleven. Just eleven out of 56.

The other 45 skills? Things like critical thinking, communication, self-awareness, and problem-solving. In other words, exactly what your questioning child is practicing right now. While schools focus heavily on content knowledge, these other skills are primarily developed through the kinds of interactions you’re having at home every single day.

The Hidden Skills Behind Your Child’s Endless Questions

When your child fires off what seems like their millionth question of the day, “Why do dogs wag their tails?” followed immediately by “What makes the sky blue?”, it’s easy to feel like they’re just trying to drive you to distraction. But something much more important is happening.

Your child isn’t just hunting for random facts. They are developing the thinking skills they will need throughout their lives. Every time they notice something and wonder about it, they’re strengthening their ability to see patterns and make connections. When they ask why water freezes or how birds know where to fly, they’re doing the same work scientists do, trying to make sense of the world around them.

And when they keep asking follow-up questions? That’s not them being difficult. That’s their way of exploring ideas from different angles and learning to think flexibly. 

Perhaps most importantly, when your child follows their own curiosity, they’re learning to set their own learning goals and stick with them, even when understanding gets challenging. These are the foundations of intrinsic motivation that will serve them far better than any external reward system ever could.

The questioning phase isn’t something to survive. It’s something to celebrate – because it’s building the very foundation of lifelong learning.

What to say when kids keep asking why?

Not all ‘why’ questions are equal…sometimes your child will just ask ‘why’ endlessly, even when it doesn’t seem like they’re trying to understand:

Child: Why are we going to Grandma’s house?

You: Because we haven’t seen her since last week.

Child: Why?

You: Because we’ve been busy.

Child: Why?

Your child has discovered a new tool for connecting with you!  Very often, these kinds of questions are a way to prolong the conversation, rather than get information.  If you sense this is happening, try getting down on their level and asking: “It seems like you’d really like to connect with me right now.  Is there something you’d like to do together?” or “Would you like a hug?” (depending on how much time you have available).  

In the Learning Membership we call this ‘looking for the question underneath the question: this child isn’t really asking about Grandma; they’re asking for time with you.

If Your Child Isn’t Asking Questions

If your child isn’t asking many questions, that doesn’t mean they’re not curious. They might just be showing their curiosity differently. 

Some children are more hands-on learners who prefer to explore through doing rather than asking. Others might be processing quietly, taking in information before they’re ready to wonder out loud. 

The key is to become a detective of your child’s interests by watching what they gravitate toward during free time. What do they choose to do when you’re not directing their activities? What lights them up when you suggest it? 

Parent Anne discovered this when she sat with a notebook and observed her son’s LEGO play, realizing there was “SO MUCH going on”. He was working through ideas about solar power and movement that she’d never noticed before. 

Try sitting quietly and watching your child for just five or ten minutes during their play. Notice what captures their attention, what they return to again and again, what makes them lean in with focus. 

Then you can gently offer related experiences: “I noticed you’ve been really interested in how water moves. Want to see what happens when we pour it through different things?” This approach meets children where their curiosity already lives, rather than trying to manufacture interest in topics that don’t resonate with them.

Final Thoughts

When your kids ask you question after question, try to keep your eye on how amazing this stage of your child’s development is! Their questions are a window into how your child’s mind works. 

You don’t need to become Google/Alexa/ChatGPT in human form. You don’t need to craft perfect educational moments with Pinterest-worthy setups. What your child really needs is to know that their questions matter to you and that their curiosity is seen and valued.

You also don’t have to have the answers to every question they ask. Your job is to show your child that their questions matter, and that thinking together is more valuable than knowing everything.

Instead of feeling drained by constant questions, you start noticing the incredible mind at work behind them. Your child learns that their curiosity matters. They develop confidence in their own thinking. And you get to rediscover the world through their eyes – which, honestly, is pretty magical.

Those questions aren’t interrupting your day. They’re showing you exactly how to connect with the remarkable little person you’re raising.

Transform those daily questions into meaningful learning moments

If you want more support turning your child’s everyday curiosity into meaningful learning without pressure, lectures, or constant Googling, my ‘You Are Your Child’s Best Teacher masterclass’ can help.  It gives you practical tools to turn everyday curiosity into rich learning and connection without lectures, pressure, or overwhelm.

You’ll discover how to:

• Support your child’s intrinsic curiosity (without becoming their personal Googler)
• Turn everyday moments into rich learning opportunities
• Help your child develop confidence as an independent thinker and learner
• Navigate challenging phases (like constant questioning) with understanding instead of exhaustion
• Build your relationship while supporting their development

Click the banner to learn more and sign up.

Frequently Asked Questions About Kids’ Endless Questions

1. Why does my child constantly ask questions?

Your child isn’t trying to drive you crazy. They’re in the “Why Phase” (typically ages 3-5) when their brain is developing critical thinking skills. They’ve realized that other people have knowledge they can access by asking questions. This constant questioning shows they’re connecting dots in their world, developing language skills, and building the foundation for lifelong learning.

2. How to deal with kids asking why?

Instead of jumping straight to answers, pause and ask “What do you think?” first. This strengthens their reasoning abilities and shows you value their thinking. Turn their questions into mini investigations by saying “I wonder about that too” and exploring together. Let them lead the learning process rather than lecturing with facts.

3. At what stage of development does the child ask many questions?

The Why Phase typically occurs between ages 3-5 when children experience huge leaps in brain development. During this stage, language explodes, logical reasoning emerges, and they develop “theory of mind” – understanding that other people have different thoughts and knowledge. This is when “why” questions dominate their curiosity about the world around them.

4. What to say when kids keep asking why?

Try responses like “That’s a great question – what do you think?” or “I wonder about that too. Should we see what we can find out?” Take one step forward in exploration rather than jumping to final answers. This scaffolding approach provides just enough support to keep them engaged without taking over their thinking process.

5. Why is children’s curiosity valuable to learning?

Children’s questions build exactly the skills they’ll need for future success. Research shows 45 of 56 critical future job skills involve critical thinking, communication, and problem-solving – not just content knowledge. When kids ask questions, they’re developing pattern recognition, flexible thinking, and intrinsic motivation that serves them better than any external reward system.

6. How to help kids answer why questions?

Don’t rush to provide answers yourself. Instead, help them explore by asking follow-up questions, looking at books together, or having conversations during daily activities. Be a “guide on the side” rather than “sage on the stage.” Trust their learning process and follow their interests, even into territory you know nothing about.

References

Deci, E. L., & Ryan, R. M. (1985). Intrinsic motivation and self-determination in human behavior. https://doi.org/10.1007/978-1-4899-2271-7 

Dondi, M., Klier, J., Panier, F., & Schubert, J. (2021, June 25). Defining the skills citizens will need in the future world of work. McKinsey & Company. https://www.mckinsey.com/industries/public-sector/our-insights/defining-the-skills-citizens-will-need-in-the-future-world-of-work

Engel, S. (2011). Children’s need to know: Curiosity in schools. Harvard Educational Review, 81(4), 625–645. https://doi.org/10.17763/haer.81.4.h054131316473115 

Frazier, B. N., Gelman, S. A., & Wellman, H. M. (2009). Preschoolers’ search for explanatory information within adult-child conversation. Child development, 80(6), 1592–1611. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1467-8624.2009.01356.x

Gopnik, A. (2012). Scientific thinking in young children: Theoretical advances, empirical research,and policy implications. Science, 337(6102), 1623–1627. https://doi.org/10.1126/science.1223416

Kuhn, D. (2000). Metacognitive development. Current Directions in Psychological Science, 9(5), 178–181. https://doi.org/10.1111/1467-8721.00088 

Lumanlan, J. (2024). The skills your child will need in the age of AI. Your Parenting Mojo.

https://yourparentingmojo.com/captivate-podcast/ai/ 

Lumanlan, J. (2023, July 16). How to learn way beyond ‘doing well in school’. Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/captivate-podcast/beyondschool/ 

Lumanlan, J. (2022, September 11). Learning to trust your child – and yourself. Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/captivate-podcast/claire/ 

Lumanlan, J. (2021, September 5). The Extended Mind with Annie Murphy Paul. Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/captivate-podcast/extendedmind/ 

Lumanlan, J. (2020, December 17). Doing Self-Directed Education. Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/captivate-podcast/freepeople/ 

Lumanlan, J. (2016, September 26). How to “scaffold” children’s learning to help them succeed. Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/captivate-podcast/005-how-to-scaffold-childrens-learning/ 

Schulz, L. (2012). The origins of inquiry: Inductive inference and exploration in early childhood. Trends in Cognitive Sciences, 16(7), 382-389. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.tics.2012.06.004

Wang, X., Wang, C., Ye, P., & Tao, G. (2025). The role of intrinsic motivation in enhancing deep learning in early childhood education: Intrinsic motivation and deep learning in ECE. International Theory and Practice in Humanities and Social Sciences, 2(6), 274-290. https://doi.org/10.70693/itphss.v2i6.847

Wellman, H. M., Cross, D., & Watson, J. (2001). Meta-analysis of theory-of-mind development: the truth about false belief. Child development, 72(3), 655–684. https://doi.org/10.1111/1467-8624.00304 

Finding this useful? Share with a friend!

1. The teen mental health crisis may be less severe than headlines (and The Anxious Generation) suggest. Much of the scary data shows better screening and diagnosis rather than new cases caused by social media. The changes are not as widespread as the book makes them appear. They are at least partly explained by changes in how we diagnose and label mental health conditions.
2. Social media’s impact on youth mental health is surprisingly small. Research shows social media explains less than 1% of teen wellbeing. It’s about the same as whether or not the teen eats potatoes. While statistically significant in large studies, this effect on an individual child is tiny compared to factors like family relationships and academic pressure.
3. The most vulnerable teens aren’t the ones that The Anxious Generation focuses on. While The Anxious Generation prioritizes (assumed: White middle class) teenage girls, suicide rates and signs of youth depression remain much higher for boys and men. LGBTQ+ teens and some Native American communities face the biggest mental health risks. These problems often have nothing to do with social media. Helping these groups would make a much bigger difference than just keeping white middle-class girls off social media.
4. Family relationships, friendships, and school stress matter way more than screen time for youth mental health. When teens go to emergency rooms for self-harm, 64% say family problems are their biggest worry. School stress, friend drama, money troubles, and school problems matter way more than technology for Gen Z mental health.
5. Phone bans address symptoms while ignoring underlying needs. Kids use phones because they meet needs for independence and connection. School often doesn’t provide these. Banning devices without addressing why kids want them is like taking away a crutch without healing the broken leg.
6. Control-based parenting approaches often backfire with technology. Just like the failed “Just Say No” drug campaigns, strict phone rules can damage trust and push teens away when they need guidance most. Kids who fear punishment can’t come to parents when they encounter problems online.
7. Building connection works better than imposing restrictions for mental health for teenagers. The best protection for teen mental health isn’t limiting screen time. It’s creating relationships where kids feel seen and supported. Working together on technology rules works better than forcing blanket rules.

Note: This blog post is based on a four-part podcast series, where we took a deep dive into Jonathan Haidt’s The Anxious Generation. 

• The Anxious Generation Review (Part 1): Is There Really a Mental Health Crisis in the U.S.?

• The Anxious Generation Review (Part 2): Does Social Media Actually Cause Kids’ Depression and Anxiety?

• The Anxious Generation Review (Part 3): Should we ban cell phones in school?

• The Anxious Generation Review (Part 4): Should we ban cell phones at home? 

Find a collection of resources related to The Anxious Generation on this page.

If you’re a parent, you might worry when you see your child on their phone all the time. You might feel upset when they pick their screen over talking at dinner. Or maybe you’re scared that their phone is somehow changing their brain in bad ways. You might wonder: Is this normal teen stuff, or is something different happening to kids today?

Jonathan Haidt’s bestselling book The Anxious Generation seems to confirm our worst fears. The book shows scary charts of teen depression and anxiety going way up. Haidt says this is clear proof that smartphones and social media are causing a mental health crisis in our kids like never before.

The book’s central claim is compelling in its simplicity.  Between 2010 and 2015, Haidt says kids stopped having a “play-based childhood” and started having a “phone-based childhood.” He thinks this change rewired kids’ growing brains and caused more suffering than any kids before them had experienced.

For worried parents, The Anxious Generation offers both validation and a clear villain. Those endless battles over screen time? The way your once-chatty teen now grunts responses while staring at their phone? The anxiety you see in their eyes that wasn’t there a few years ago? According to Haidt, these changes are not just connected to but caused by their phone.

But before we panic and ban our kids’ phones (at school or at home), we should look more closely at what the research actually shows. Our parental worries about technology might feel urgent. But the scientific picture is far more complex than Haidt’s compelling narrative suggests.

What if the crisis isn’t as big as those graphs make it look? What if the jump in reported mental health problems just shows changes in how we find and track these conditions? Not new cases caused by social media? What if focusing only on screens makes us miss the real things causing our teens’ problems?

Parents everywhere are asking: Is social media really destroying our kids’ mental health? The answer isn’t as simple as The Anxious Generation makes us believe.

What Is The Anxious Generation About?

Haidt’s book presents a clear narrative. Between 2010 and 2015, we saw the decline of what he calls the “play-based childhood” and the rise of the “phone-based childhood.” This shift, he argues, is responsible for dramatic changes in Gen Z mental health. The evidence seems compelling at first glance. The seemingly endless graphs show rising rates of teen depression, anxiety in teenagers, and self-harm episodes.

He also points to the front-facing camera on the iPhone 4 as a key driver of the shift in 2010, as well as Instagram reaching mass usage in 2012. This means that Haidt sometimes points to 2010 as the beginning of a key shift, and sometimes to 2012. His collaborator Dr. Jean Twenge was raising the alarm as early as 2007, when the first iPhone came out. This raises the question of whether the data have been picked to confirm a theory, rather than the theory coming from the data.

And when we dig deeper into this data, some troubling patterns emerge. Many of these dramatic-looking increases might not be what they seem. 

The Hockey Stick Graphs: Crisis or Perception?

The Anxious Generation review of data includes dozens of alarming statistics, many on graphs that are shaped similarly to the ‘hockey stick’ graph responsible for convincing many people that climate change is real:

In the first of my detailed podcast episodes on The Anxious Generation, I focused heavily on suicide data. I figured it would be easier to understand than the many different measures of whether someone is experiencing mental health challenges.

Here’s the data I found on the suicide rate for girls age 10-14:

Data Source: https://wonder.cdc.gov/mortsql.html  (Note: Haidt’s graph continues with data from 2017-2020, which I couldn’t independently verify from CDC sources)

According to Haidt’s data, the suicide rate for girls is up 167% from 2010 to 2020.  Haidt also says that the rate for girls age 15-19 doubled from 2010-2020, which may be true, but 2009 was a historic low point and overall the rate isn’t a lot higher than it was in the late 1980s:

Data source: https://wonder.cdc.gov/mortsql.html

But the Pew Research Center found that older teens are much more likely to be online ‘constantly,’ with half of 15-17 year olds saying they were online ‘constantly’ in 2024, compared to 38% of those aged 13-14 (and we can assume that kids younger than 13 are spending less time than this online).  So if being online is driving girls to suicide, why aren’t the girls spending most time on social media committing suicide at higher rates?

What this means for you: Those scary numbers you see in The Anxious Generation aren’t happening everywhere like the book makes it seem. The author picks one number from one place and another number from somewhere else to make his point. Some teens really are struggling, but the problem is not universal across all teens.

Here are some other explanations I discovered when we examined the data more carefully:

Changes in mental health screening and diagnosis affect reported rates

Between 2009 and 2015, we made big changes in the U.S. in how we identify and track youth mental health issues:

• 2009: The US Preventive Task Force recommended depression screening for teens aged 12-18.
• 2011: The Affordable Care Act required coverage for evidence-based mental health services.
• 2012: Health insurance plans were required to cover annual depression screenings for girls aged 12 and older.
• 2015: Mandatory new diagnostic codes made it easier to identify intentional self-harm in hospital records.
• 2016: CDC guidance changes ICD-10 coding guidelines to include symptoms and signs codes (R40-R46) as an Exclusion 2 note for mental disorder codes (F01-F99) implies that SI should be coded as a secondary disorder when other mental health disorders are primary.

Figure source: https://jhr.uwpress.org/content/59/S/S14

Author’s notes: These figures plot trends in suicide-related hospital visits, suicide deaths, and suicidal ideation hospital visits in New Jersey. The vertical lines at 2011 and 2016 help to visualize the changes related to the implementation of the Women’s Preventive Services Guidelines in 2012, as well the difference between 2015 and 2016 (implementation of ICD-10) and between 2016 and 2017 (implementation of the “include SI” [Jen’s note: as a secondary diagnosis when other mental health conditions are present] guidance).

The authors conclude: “These results suggest that underlying suicide-related behaviors among children, while alarmingly high, may not have risen as sharply as reported rates suggest.”

What this means for you: The dramatic increases in reported teen depression might say more about our healthcare system getting better at identifying, treating, and classifying problems. They aren’t about phones making things worse. Before panicking about your teen’s screen time, consider other changes in their life. These may be academic pressure, family stress, or friendship issues, might be more important to address.

The scale of the increases look worse than they really are

Haidt also visually manipulates data on the graphs in the book. When he describes “dramatic increases” in school alienation worldwide, he’s actually talking about changes of about 0.2 points on a 4-point scale (Figure 1.12, Alienation in School, Worldwide) but the graph is zoomed in to the scale between 1.6 and 2.2 so those 0.2 points look like a huge increase. 

Figure 1.8 shows Excellent or Very Good Mental Health, Canadian Women; those aged 15-30 visually appear to have reported near-perfect mental health in 2003 and are now close to the baseline.  But the baseline is 50%, and the top of the scale is at 80%, so the decline appears far more dramatic than it really is.

In a collaborative Google doc that Haidt maintains, Haidt observes two ‘big’ jumps in suicides of 10-14-year-old females in the U.S., from 66 to 88 in 2009, and from 85 to 141 in 2013. He says that the rate for the last five years of data is nearly triple the rate for the first five years. Dr. Chris Ferguson’s counter-argument in the document is that the raw increase in the number of suicides among 45-49-year-old men is 1000 deaths, which is a 900% increase, among comparably-sized populations of about 10 million each. 

I want to be clear that I believe that any suicide death is one too many for the families who are left behind. I can’t even imagine the pain and suffering of each of the families who have lost a child in this way, and I’m so sorry they have to experience that. But if you’re looking at raw numbers rather than an increase in rates, you’d do a lot more to prevent deaths by focusing on older men than on teenage girls.  Ferguson would fail a senior student research project for trying to make the inferential leaps that Haidt is trying to reach. 

The language we use matters. When we talk about a “mental health emergency” or “surge of suffering”, it shapes how we think about solutions. If we believe there’s a tsunami, we reach for emergency measures like blanket phone bans. If we recognize it’s a modest tide, we might consider more thoughtful responses.

The International Data Doesn’t Add Up

Haidt often points to similar trends across multiple countries as evidence for his theory. But when you look closely at the data from the US, UK, Canada, Australia, and New Zealand, the patterns aren’t as consistent as they first appear.

Haidt says that “we see similar trends in the other major Anglosphere nations, including Ireland, New Zealand, and Australia” (p.40-41).  Again, while you can see an overall increase from 2009 to 2015 in New Zealand, the suicide rates for girls and young women are within historical averages, and have declined for boys and young men.

Data Source: https://www.health.govt.nz/publications/suicide-facts-data-tables-1996-2015

The Australian Institute of Health and Welfare did the hard work of the graphing for me (although I couldn’t find data by gender), and yes, there was a substantial increase in suicides among 15-17 year-olds from around 2010 to 2018, and among 18-24 year olds from around 2009-2020. But the preliminary data shows that the rate has dropped pretty sharply for both groups since 2022, and I don’t think social media has been banned in Australia.

Data Source: https://www.aihw.gov.au/suicide-self-harm-monitoring/population-groups/young-people/suicide-self-harm-young-people 

In the U.K., the suicide rate for girls has doubled from 1.4 per 100,000 in 2007 to 3.1 per 100,000 in 2023. But, the rate for boys is a third less than it was at its peak in 1990.

Data Source: https://www.ons.gov.uk/peoplepopulationandcommunity/birthsdeathsandmarriages/deaths/bulletins/suicidesintheunitedkingdom/2023

Haidt’s graphs describing mental health crisis symptoms do seem dramatic when the graphs are shown one right after another.  When he shows suicide rates for young teens in the U.S., self-harm for U.K. teens, and mental health hospital visits for Australian teens, The Anxious Generation gives the impression that the changes are happening consistently across all the different types of data, across the entire Anglosphere.  But this isn’t always the case.

What this means for you: If smartphones were really the main cause of teen mental health problems, we’d see the same patterns in all countries where lots of kids use phones. Since we don’t, it means the real causes are more complicated. This means the solutions need to fit your specific child’s situation.

Only Looking at Gender Camouflages Other Trends

Haidt fails to analyze risk factors other than gender in The Anxious Generation.  Among Australian First Nations people aged 0–24, suicide rates were 3.1 times as high compared to non-Indigenous Australians. 

Inuit females age 15-24 had a suicide rate that was 33 times higher than non-Indigenous females between 2011-2016.  

I have yet to find suicide data that breaks out transgender youth statistics, but in 2021, more than a quarter (26.3%) of high school students identifying as lesbian, gay, or bisexual reported attempting suicide in the prior 12 months. This was five times higher than the prevalence among heterosexual students (5.2%).

The photo of the slim, blonde, straight, and White-presenting girl looking at her phone on the front of The Anxious Generation isn’t really representative of the actual suicide risk that teens face.

Depression Doesn’t Always Lead to Self-Harm

Studies of people who have considered suicide reveal that different communities experience distress very differently:

• Latinx Americans are more likely to see suicide as escape from poverty, discrimination, and social problems rather than internal mental health issues
• Asian Americans showed higher suicide risk related to interpersonal problems and academic pressure
• LGBTQ+ people aged 18-44 had lifetime suicide attempt rates of 38-44%, often driven by rejection and discrimination

School problems are more than twice as likely to contribute to suicide for Asian and Pacific Islander-Americans compared to white teens. This might be because many Asian-Americans and their parents put a lot of pressure on them to do well in school. But this pressure isn’t only an Asian-American problem. A study of Latina teens who had attempted suicide included one girl named Lola who said:

“I guess I started thinking about, like, my life, like about school. I’m not doing so good. I’m like, “What am I doing with my future?” And I guess it made me kind of sad. [My mom] screams at me. She’s like, “Why don’t you do better? Why don’t you try?” I do try.” 

Lola’s mom said: 

“I don’t remember these issues growing up. You just did what you had to do, and that was pretty much the end of it. You just do it. You don’t get a gold star.” 

Sofia described frequent arguments with her mother about chores. When Sofia did her chores, she believed her mother didn’t notice. 

Sofia’s mom told her during a fight: “I don’t care what you do no more. I don’t care!” 

Sofia thought her participation in the family was inconsequential, and concluded: “So you don’t care if I die,” and then she took pills. 

Her mother interpreted Sofia’s behavior in terms of resistance: “She just doesn’t want to listen. I hope it’s a phase, I just don’t think it’s a phase. I wanna know what it is with her. Because what happens is her anger comes to, ‘I don’t have to do this’. That attitude, it’s like, it’s disrespectful. I’m not your child. I’m your mother.”

A Scottish meta-analysis of ethnographic studies found that teens who self-harmed were often deeply frustrated by adult efforts to link their behavior to social media. Many felt frustrated by attempts to blame social media for their behavior. They saw the narrative that social media was driving their self-harm as wrong and unhelpful. In fact, trying to pin their struggles to one cause often increased their sense of shame and isolation.

These young people talked about self-harm in complicated ways. They said it helped them cope, process big feelings, or they couldn’t explain why they did it at all. If we try to make their pain sound simple, we might miss what they really need for help.

This matters because Haidt thinks that measuring depression and suicide rates shows us what’s wrong with teens. But if different communities understand and feel distress in different ways, we might be missing huge pieces of what’s really going on.

Most research on social media focuses on similar groups of college students. So we might not fully understand how screen time, mental health problems, and suicide connect.

So if the crisis isn’t as bad as claimed, what about the other half of Haidt’s argument? Does social media really cause the mental health problems that teens do face?

Does Social Media Actually Cause Teen Depression?

Jonathan Haidt is adamant that social media causes teen depression. In The Anxious Generation, he writes: “Taken as a whole, the dozens of experiments that Jean Twenge, Zach Rausch, and I have collected confirm and extend the patterns found in the correlational studies: Social media use is a cause of anxiety, depression, and other ailments, not just a correlate.”

That’s a bold claim. But when we dig into those “dozens of experiments,” we find research that’s far less convincing than it first appears.

The Problem with Social Media Research

When students know what you’re studying

Let’s start with one of the studies supporting Haidt’s position: Melissa Hunt’s “No More FOMO” experiment. Researchers told 143 psychology students they were studying social media use, then asked some to limit Facebook, Instagram, and Snapchat to 10 minutes per platform per day for three weeks.

Here’s the problem: the students knew exactly what the study was about. They’d heard countless times that social media is bad for mental health. When researchers then asked them to report on their wellbeing, is there any chance they didn’t know the “right” answer?

Here’s the problem: when you tell college students you’re studying whether social media is bad for them, and they’ve heard this message their whole lives, what do you think they’re going to report?  Dr. Peter Gray, who has extensively critiqued this research, points out that despite this built-in bias toward finding negative effects, the study still found:

• No significant effect on overall psychological wellbeing
• No effect on anxiety
• No effect on self-esteem
• No effect on autonomy
• No effect on self-acceptance

Even with this built-in bias toward finding problems, the study barely found anything. No effects on anxiety, self-esteem, or overall wellbeing. Just small changes in loneliness and depression, and only for students who were already struggling.

The Instagram “beauty filter” study

Another study Haidt cites (Kleemans et al. 2018) randomly assigned teen girls to view Instagram selfies, some original, some digitally enhanced to look “extra attractive.” The researchers found that viewing the enhanced photos led to lower body satisfaction.

But again, every teenage girl has heard that perfect Instagram images harm body image. When you tell participants you’re studying “facial preferences” and then show them obviously manipulated photos before asking about body satisfaction, you’re practically telegraphing what you want them to say.

The study also had other limitations:

• Participants viewed 10 selfies in a row (not typical Instagram use)
• Only Dutch girls from similar backgrounds participated
• Effects were measured immediately, not over time
• No control for participants’ mood or baseline body satisfaction

When researchers make it obvious to the study participants that they’re studying whether social media is bad for you, it isn’t surprising when they find that social media is bad for you.

What this means for you: The research claiming to prove that social media harms teens is far weaker than headlines suggest. Studies with serious flaws shouldn’t drive major family decisions. Your energy might be better spent on building a strong relationship with your teen rather than battling over their phone.

The “Natural Experiment” Problem

Given the obvious issues with controlled experiments, researchers have turned to “natural experiments”, studying what happens when broadband internet rolls out to different regions at different times. The logic: if social media really harms mental health, we should see clear declines in mental health as internet speed improves.

Haidt cites studies from England, Spain, and Italy. But the results don’t support his thesis as cleanly as he suggests:

Spain: Effects for men only (or men and women?)

Researchers in Spain tried to look at the connection between the timing of negative mental health effects and the rise of Instagram and TikTok. 

They did find a link between broadband and depression, but only for men born between 1985 and 1995, not women. Yet the study’s abstract claims effects for “both males and females.” This kind of inconsistency between results and reporting undermines confidence in the findings.  

Italy: Mental health impacts likely aren’t only caused by social media

The Italian study mostly covers a period before widespread social media use, yet still found mental health effects. This suggests that mental health impacts aren’t uniquely tied to social media. They could come from other online activities like gambling or pornography.

England: Confusing results

The English study was the most rigorous, tracking 6,000 children across 3,765 neighborhoods as broadband speeds improved. But the results were puzzling:

• Broadband was associated with better exam performance at age 10-11
• But worse performance at age 16
• The largest effect was a 0.6% decrease in how children felt about their appearance
• No statistically significant relationship between the use of social media and girls’ satisfaction with their friends or family relationships
• Spending 5+ hours on social media per day had an effect size comparable to bullying or family conflict found in other research

One challenge with both the English and Spanish studies is that the researchers split their data by factors like gender, age, and urban/rural areas.  But they didn’t state up-front that they were planning to do this analysis.  This is a red flag in research when you keep slicing data different ways until you find something that looks significant, you might just be finding statistical noise.

Dr. Jean Twenge’s Work: A Clear Finding of Harm

I looked at all of the papers Dr. Twenge lists on her website that are related to screen time, and I can see why she would be alarmed!

She looks at multiple large datasets, often of over 100,000 people that represent the U.S. population. She finds that teens who use a lot of digital media, especially social media, are twice as likely to report low well-being, depressive symptoms, and suicide risk factors compared to light users.

She finds that this pattern happens in the U.K. as well and is especially strong for girls. The relationship isn’t straight. Teens who use social media for up to an hour a day often have slightly higher well-being than teens who don’t use it. But well-being goes down steadily as you go beyond 1-2 hours per day.

Most of Twenge’s findings are correlational. This means she can say that screen time and wellbeing are linked, but can’t prove that one causes the other. She does cite studies that follow people over time. She does cite longitudinal studies suggesting that more social media use can predict later declines in well-being, rather than a decline in well-being preceding social media use. 

She proposes that sleep disruption, displacement of in-person interactions and exercise, social comparison, and cyberbullying create the negative effects.

The Potato Problem: When Big Data Misleads

This brings us to one of the most revealing critiques in this entire debate. Dr. Amy Orben, a leading researcher at Cambridge University, looked at teens’ digital technology use and their wellbeing to see if there was a relationship.  She found that there was an association: one approximately the same size as the one between teen wellbeing and eating potatoes.

Both correlations were statistically significant in a dataset of over 60,000 people. Both explained similar tiny amounts of variance in teen wellbeing (less than 1%).

We don’t blame potatoes for teen depression. So why do we blame social media?

This illustrates a crucial problem with big datasets. When you have enough participants, you can find statistically significant correlations between almost anything. The question isn’t whether the correlation exists. It’s whether it matters in the real world.

What the Research on the So-Called Harms of Social Media Actually Shows

When we look at the full body of research on social media and teen mental health, here’s what emerges:

The effects are tiny: Even studies that find bad effects usually explain less than 1% of how teens feel. That’s like saying a teen feels sad because they didn’t eat breakfast while ignoring their family problems, money stress, school pressure, and sleep. Dr. Twenge says 1% matters when you’re talking about millions of people. But other things are still way more important.

The effects aren’t consistent: Dr. Orben’s research shows that scientists can get very different results from the same information depending on how they look at it. Some studies (including Dr. Twenge’s) that show social media is bad pick “the most negative possible” way to look at the data.

Within-person effects are even smaller: Studies that track how changes in one person’s social media use affect their own wellbeing over time show even smaller effects than studies comparing different people at one point in time.  This is important because when we think about banning social media or screen time, we’re trying to create a change in a specific person which may not happen.

What this means for you: If social media affects your teen’s mood less than 1%, trying to control their phone all the time might not help much. You should address things like your relationship with them, their sleep, their stress, and how supported they feel at home and school.

What Affects Teen Mental Health More Than Social Media

If social media explains less than 1% of teen wellbeing, what explains the other 99%? Research consistently points to several factors:

What affects teen mental health #1: Family relationships 

In the UK study of teens who showed up at emergency rooms for self-harm, 64% cited family relationships as their primary problem. Mental health issues – supposedly driven by social media – ranked fifth.

There’s a significant association between positive supportive relationships with parents and young people’s wellbeing and life satisfaction.

What affects teen mental health #2: Social connections

This isn’t just about having friends, but the quality of those friendships. Strong friendships can be especially protective when teens aren’t getting support from family.

What affects teen mental health #3: Economic security

The stress of poverty affects everything from where families live to whether parents are home or working multiple jobs. Financial instability has massive impacts on teen mental health that dwarf any effects from screen time. 

Children’s suicide rates are higher in counties with a higher concentration of poverty than counties with less poverty. Having money is protective for the people who have it, but not having money can be incredibly difficult for those who don’t.

What affects teen mental health #4: Sleep and physical health

Poor sleep is both a cause and effect of mental health struggles. While screens can interfere with sleep, other factors can too. This may include family stress, feeling unsafe in your neighborhood, and early school start times.

What affects teen mental health #5: Academic pressure

A meta-analysis of 52 studies found evidence linking academic pressure to mental health problems in 48 of them. 

In research on communities like Palo Alto, CA and the anonymized ‘Poplar Grove’ in the book Life Under Pressure where suicide rates are many times national averages, kids don’t describe social media as being an important component of their distress.  

These case studies are important because the Palo Alto and ‘Poplar Grove’ teens had everything Haidt says should protect them from social media’s harms. They have tiight community bonds, involved parents, shared values. Yet they experienced suicide rates four to five times the national average.  These are the statistically significant risk factors for past year suicidal ideation among the six school districts in Santa Clara County (in which Palo Alto sits):

1. Drank alcohol, ever in lifetime
2. Use illicit drugs (marijuana, ecstasy, cocaine), ever in lifetime
3. Used pain medication, ever in lifetime
4. Smoked a cigarette, ever in lifetime
5. Female gender
6. Self-identify as lesbian, gay, or bisexual
7. Feeling sad or hopeless almost every day for two weeks or more, past 12-months
8. Experienced violent victimization at school, past 12-months
9. Experienced psychological bullying at school, past 12-months
10. Experienced cyberbullying on internet, past 12-months > The only item related to phones/social media
11. Ever skipped school, past 12-months